Original subtitles

Thames VTR 18063 part 1 take 1

laughter

Geoffrey, do you want one sausage or two?

Huh?

Tristram, ask your father how many sausages he wants.

How many sausages do you want?

6 ,365 ,000.

Oh, I'll get the big pan out.

Working day is lost to strike action. I blame the TUC.

What a rude word.

It most certainly is.

I thought it was.

Outro's worse.

Conservatives have the right idea.

Daddy, is the Conservatives the same thing as a Tory twit?

Where did you pick up that sort of phrase?

Mr Roper.

Here we are, George.

Your favourite breakfast.

Bacon doorstep, peanut butter and brown sauce.

Oh, yeah.

Is he strong?

poured the milk in it, then it bounced out again.

I like it hot and strong, like I used to get it in the old days. Yes, don't we

all?

And I've left the pan, George, so you can wipe round it with the crust.

Oh, yeah.

You've been very nice, Mildred. What are you after, eh?

Oh, George, can't a wife be nice to her hubby without wanting something?

No. Oh, you're right, I do want something.

Look, I want to talk about our holiday.

Oh, yeah.

Majorca? Yeah. That's abroad.

Oh, only just.

Well, hang on. We always go to Mrs Muldoon's boarding house in Blackpool

year. What's wrong with that?

We always go there every year. That's what's wrong with it. Yeah, but we meet

people we know, friends.

Like that fat woman with the water and a stupid husband.

Friends. We always get the room next to the toilet.

So? When she serves curry on a Thursday, I don't think...

holiday, George?

Well, we could try a donkey ride this year.

I want to feel the sun caressing me on the beach.

What, young Fred?

Not Mrs Muldoon's son.

That son.

In Mallorca.

No, I never liked foreign parts, Mildred. Not since I was overcharged in

Llandudno.

You like Mallorca? It's got sun and plant and wine and guitars.

Do they play darts?

We don't speak a word of Majorcan.

I mean, it's a bit like Spanish, I expect, George.

And don't tell me you can't afford it. Oh, yeah, no, we can't afford it. Ah, we

can. If we travel with a club or a group, we can save up to 40%. Well, if

don't go, we can save 100%. Anyway, what sort of club?

Well, there are all sorts, George.

Oh, I mean, there's...

There's the Women's Institute.

There's the Boys' Brigade. I'm not a woman. I'm not a boy.

And that cuts out the Working Man's Club as well.

Oh, George, there are all sorts of others.

And it would cost no more than Blackpool. Yeah, with all that foreign

Mildred. Sheep's eyeballs and sauerkraut.

Unlike the honest British whelk. Oh, George, come on.

Just think about it.

Yeah, all right. I'll tell you what I'll do. Yeah?

I'll think about it, and then I'll say no.

What did he say?

No. Oh, dear.

Oh, don't worry about it, dear. He always says no on principle.

He's been saying it ever since we were married.

Do you think he always weighed it?

Every man has his breaking point.

Oh, I know. I mean, Geoffrey.

I always get round him by putting on my see -through nightdress and nibbling his

ear. Oh, well.

I only want to persuade George, not terrify him out of it.

I've got the forms for you to join the association.

Oh, good. You don't think Mr. Cormier will mind us coming to Mallorca, you

with all of you?

Well, he hasn't said anything.

Mind you, he might when I tell him.

Oh, it'll be lovely.

I haven't been abroad since we went on our honeymoon to Dunkirk.

And even then I was let down by the weather, amongst other things.

I think I've got a touch of wind, Mildred, indigestion.

Amazing. Yeah, it's probably that pickled onion and liver sausage I had

breakfast.

Probably.

Now, George, about my Yorker. Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about that all

morning, Mildred, and I've taken into consideration your well -reasoned

argument, you know, about Mrs Muldoon's and wanting to change a touch of glamour

like you get in my Yorker, you know, the wine, sun and guitars, and I've made my

decision. Yes?

I'm not going.

It's not for me, Mildred.

Look, Mallorca does not have to be glamorous, George.

Oh, you can get English beer, fish and chips, mugs of tea.

It can be quite dull.

Real British cake beer.

Oh, yeah. And you can paddle with your trousers rolled up, knotted hanky on

head, your braces dangling.

Well, you make it sound good, Mildred.

You'll love it, George.

You'll sit on the beach sucking whelks.

Candy floss in your eyebrows.

Your boots round your neck.

Oh, God.

I'm not taking you with me, George.

I'm not. I'm not going to take you with me. Don't upset yourself, Mildred. No,

you're going to stay here. You'll just spoil it for me, George.

All right, I will come.

Right.

Sign that.

What is it?

Ah, well, this is... John, the association, you see, George, will give

cheap package tour, you know, so that we're eligible for it. Do you sign

Oh, yeah.

What association is it, exactly?

On the bottom, George.

Why are you covering the top with your hand, Mildred?

What organisation is this?

The Conservative Association.

I've brought him a little present.

He's outside. What have you brought him?

The Conservative Party political pamphlet.

Oh, true. Just what he wanted.

And he has been brainwashed by Arthur Scargill next door. He's only heard one

side of the picture.

It's up to me to tell him the truth.

For instance, this one will help him understand the Conservative policy

the unions.

Good. Then he can explain it to me.

Mr Roper says they just want to bash them.

Yes, well, that is an oversimplification. You see?

Sit down, soldier.

In a way, yes.

Let's see.

The economics of freedom.

Now, I may paraphrase a little here.

Once upon a time... Are there any cowboys in it?

Janet Healy does get a mention, yes.

Once upon a time, there was this golden -haired Thatcher. He was wise and good

and had magic powers.

Oh, boy.

I'm Labour.

My father was Labour. And his father was probably Labour. Only they never knew

who he was.

George, he's only on the social side.

They organise things.

Yeah, wish drives in aid of the death penalty.

Dances, fakes, trips abroad.

A leper cannot change his spots, Mildred. You can keep your spots.

I mean, George, I'm not asking you to become a Tory.

Just join the Conservatives.

What? Lie, George.

Pretend. Oh, come on.

You're good at pretending.

I mean, night after night, you lie there, your eyes wide open, snoring.

Don't start that again.

Look, George, just fine it.

I mean, you don't have to do anything afterwards.

Just think of it as our marriage certificate.

Why is it when we have an argument, you always bring bed into it?

All right, George.

All right, I won't mention it again.

I won't mention bed ever.

What, never?

Well, I... All right.

Never. Oh.

See, it's easy to lie, and I find it.

You're asking me to betray a lifetime of deeply held political principles,

convictions which to me are dearer than life itself.

I'll pay for the holiday out of me own savings.

On the bottom here, is that right?

Yes. So that's agreed. We fit the dinner dance in between the raffle and the

cheese and wine party. Yeah, yeah.

Now, tickets for all three have been selling very well, thanks to Geoffrey.

good old Geoffrey. And it is most encouraging to see such a revival of

in politics.

Indeed, yes.

Fidelity. Thank you.

New membership.

Well, so far this month, we've had no fewer than seven applications.

Six of them following the party political broadcast.

That's the Labour one, not us.

They're all local people.

Indeed, one of them lives next door to our own Mr. Forman.

So I suggest we call him... Just a moment.

What name is that?

Mr. Roper.

He's a Bolshevik.

We can't.

Good Lord, Penelope.

That man, he's one of them.

What, as well as being a Bolshevik?

No. We can't allow his thought to infiltrate us. It'll be like Reg

Newham North East.

Francis, there's a good chap.

Well, perhaps this Mr Roper has seen the light as well. No, no, no, no. I'm

sorry, Penelope. I cannot believe that this man is a conservative.

I mean, at the very best, he's a... He's a... Liberal.

Oh, shocking.

However, I don't wish to be vindictive about this, so let's just tear up his

application form and send it back.

Continental breakfast.

What's that exactly?

Um... With Spanish bacon, with Spanish doorsteps, Spanish peanut butter and

Spanish brown sauce.

Oh, yeah, it sounds all right.

Oh, yeah, they've got twin beds. That's good.

Sauna, swimming pool, cocktail bar.

There's no mention of a dance board here, Mildred. Of course there is,

Look, you see?

You know, they make visits to it. Plaza del Toro. Yes.

That's Mallorcan for dartboard.

Oh, yeah?

Why have they got a drawing of a ball?

Well, you have a ball on a dartboard, don't you, George?

Oh, yeah, that's true.

International cabaret in the sombrero lounge.

Ah, El Loco Golf, for residents only.

Oh, I see they've got flamingo lessons in the ballroom.

Yes, Lord.

Mr. Pallmeyer wants a word with you.

Oh, please sit down. Thank you.

Evening. It's to do with your application to join our Conservative

I'm on the committee, you know.

No, I did not know that.

We felt we'd like to have a little chat about you, about your political views,

before we make our decision.

This is your idea, isn't it?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I favoured a completely different form of action.

It's a form I've had nice of you.

Yes. We want to be convinced that you are sincere in your desire to become a

Tory twit. Tomorrow afternoon, all right?

I've decided, Mildred, I'm not going.

Ah, so we're back to square one, are we?

Now, look, George... I'm not going to stand there being terror -garotted by

lot.

It'll be like the Inquisition.

George, there are going to be no rack, no thumbscrews, no red -hot pokers, not

unless you let me down.

I'm sorry, Mildred, I'd rather we change the subject, if you don't mind.

Oh, all right then, George.

Last night in bed... Oh, yeah, all right.

Well, supposing I do go and see them, what do I say?

Well, you simply tell them you want to join the Conservative Party.

I don't. You do?

I mean, what alternative is there?

Mrs Muldoon's in Blackpool.

It's like an instant replay.

Now, look, George, look.

I have tried bribery.

I have tried reason.

There is only one thing left.

Give me a little finger. No, no, no.

No, but it will make me feel better. Give it to me.

Up you get, Tiger.

That's it. That way.

Good boy.

Everything all right?

Good, good.

That's my best briar.

I thought I'd clean it for you.

Tell me what's not liquid.

Well, that's very... I think it's clean enough.

Go and find something else to do.

Yes, I have.

Have you finished with the others?

Mm -hmm. Good.

Let's see.

Education. Oh, transport policy.

Thank you.

That's all right. Enjoy yourself.

Ann?

Ann? Look at this.

Look.

Oh, very clever, Geoffrey.

Aren't you a bit old for that?

Still, he is taking an interest in politics.

By blowing bubbles?

What? No, no, no. Those pamphlets seem to have caught his little imagination.

Oh, yeah.

Will you be late tonight?

I shouldn't think so. The moment Roper opens his mouth, they'll see right

through him.

You are going to give him a fair trial.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are.

Although I doubt if he'll even turn up.

Hurry it up, Mildred. My legs are getting cold.

I want a perfect crease, George.

By the time I've finished, you'll be able to slice tomatoes with it.

George, why are you whitening your plimsoll?

You said you wanted me to look smart.

Go and put your best shoes on.

Oh, no, they hurt me feet last time.

Only because you left the shoe on in them.

Here you are, George.

There we are.

Have you washed your moustache?

What? Yeah, yeah, of course I have.

What's the trouble with you, Mildred? You always try to...

They're hot.

And they've got a perfect crease in them, George.

So don't go bending your legs.

Suppose they offer me a chair. What do I do? Stand on it?

Use your initiative.

Right, there's your clean anky.

That's it.

Now I'll give you a little brush down.

You're molting.

I mean, can't you use a new hair cream?

Try our old diet.

You don't leave a man much dignity, do you, Mildred? Oh, John, don't be so

silly. Oh, get off.

Right, now, let's have a look at you.

Come on, give us a twirl. No.

Come on.

Yes, yes.

Who's a clever little dick, then?

a red tie.

I like it.

Blue? Oh, George, all this messing about just for a cheap holiday.

George, it'll be worth it.

And I know you won't let me down, because I'm coming with you.

We don't usually vet people like this, you know. This man needs vetting,

me. Thank you, Penelope, but...

Is it really necessary?

In this case, yes. I've told you, he's a lefty. Ah, thank you.

I then see if he's arrived.

Yes. I think I'll adjust the lighting.

All a bit mastermind, isn't it?

Mr. and Mrs. Roper.

Mrs.? Oh, good afternoon.

Excuse me, let me get you a chair. Yes.

You know Mr. Ford. Of course, and this is Mr West, our chairman.

How do you do?

How do you do, I'm sure.

Do sit down. Oh, thank you.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, most kind.

Mr Roper? I wish to join the party because it upholds the freedom of the

Not you!

This is, of course, completely informal.

Oh, right.

See, I could have warned him, George.

We'd just like a little chat about your political views.

Oh, he's very much one of you.

Aren't you, George? Oh, yeah.

I'm all for subsidising caviar, top acts, hanging and flogging, especially

unions.

Do you have any views on the assignment of fiscal powers and the controversy

over devolution?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

What are they?

Well... Same as yours.

Ah. Well, mine are considered rather unorthodox by the party hierarchy.

Oh, so are his.

Oh, yes.

What about the unions?

Oh, well, I'll go along with that fellow, you know, Sir Keith... What's

name? Joseph.

Yes, Sir Joseph. What's his name? Yeah, I'll go along with him.

So you're against the closed shop? Oh, absolutely.

Especially on Sunday when you run out of firelight.

answer for him. He doesn't always know what he thinks.

He's doing very well.

Hang on, Mildy, I can speak for myself.

I read it's about time that all the bloated capitalists, see, like

were given a fair crack of the whip.

I mean, let's say at one stroke that all men were born more equal than others.

If you squeeze our pips, do we not bleed?

Well... England.

Our England.

This precious jewel set in a sea of troubles.

We may never see the pound in our pocket in our lifetime again.

But let there be light, even though they're going out all over Europe.

Yes.

Perhaps Mrs Roper should answer for him.

Quite.

Europe, how do you feel about coming out of the market?

Well, I usually come out of Kingston Street.

Then I turn left by the War Memorial.

The EEC.

Yeah, the EEC War Memorial, yeah.

Then I'll go right. Thank you, Mr Roper. I think we've heard enough.

But surely if you turn right, it's a one -way street. Thank you, Penelope.

Bernard, shall we... Yes.

Excuse us.

How do you feel about this?

He seems perfectly harmless to me.

The man's a fool.

That has never been a bar to entering politics.

I made a distinct impression there, Mildred. Yes, I'm afraid you did.

Do you think it'd help if I did my impersonation of Ted East? No.

Yes, well, now.

First of all, thank you for coming along to see us.

And you'll be pleased to know that we voted that you should be allowed to join

the association by a majority of two to one.

So, um...

Welcome. Oh, yes. Right.

Right, well, now we're in, I'd like to put our name down for the cheap trip.

Cheap trip?

Yes, the package tour to Mallorca.

Though it's happening a bit early to mention it.

Oh, Mallorca. Yes, yes. Geoffrey.

The package tour.

Of course.

Sorry, fully booked up. Weeks ago.

What? Not a place left. Sorry.

You mean I joined your lot for nothing?

I wouldn't quite say that. There is the question of your subscription.

You'll be lucky.

I found that very humiliating, Mildred. So did I.

EEC War Memorial.

Well, you do have to turn right.

Anyway, don't let's quarrel about it, Mildred. Let's be friends for once, eh?

Well... All right, then, George.

Little fingers.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry about my joker, but you wouldn't have liked it, all that sun and

that. You know you always peel.

You'd add a nose like a rotten pineapple.

You know how to flatter a woman, George.

Anyway, it's boring flying. You can't see anything.

You could, if you opened your eyes.

We're better off in Blackpool with our own sort.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll phone Mrs. Madoon right now, see her and book our holiday. How's that?

Oh, brilliant.

You'll never believe this, Anne.

He wanted to join our association just to go on that tour to Mallorca.

Surely not. He could have been in the room next to us, drunk and singing at

o 'clock in the morning.

And you know those Spanish hotels?

You can even hear the beds creak.

I don't think we'd have been bothered much by that.

Well, he's not coming.

Well, why not? There's plenty of room on the trip.

Is there?

Is there really?

Well, you should know. You're organising it. Well, he's not eligible. He's

resigned.

I've brought back some more of our pamphlets, Tristan. Oh, good. He's been

asking for them.

Has he really?

He says they're very useful.

Useful? For what? Oh, all sorts of things.

I've

found

Mrs Muldoon, Mildred.

We can't get in. She says she's fully booked up. She says the whole town's

booked up.

But why?

Well, they're holding a conference there. Who are?

The bloody Labour Party.