Original subtitles

Thames VTR 18062, part 1, take 1.

Thank you.

See you.

George, how did a pair of your breakers get behind this

settee? I don't know.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Remember that time that you won a bottle of Spanish brandy on the bingo?

Yeah, and we drank it, and you got a bit frisky.

That night, yes.

You mean they've been down there for ten years?

I suppose so. Hey, they've got all knots in them, Mildred. Yes.

Oh, what a night that was.

Well,

you may seem to remember it that way. It would not have hurt a certain person to

have said please.

There you go, George.

They're both past it.

Go on, move yourself.

It's a good film on telly tonight, Mildred.

The tentacles of Dr. Evil.

It's about this scientist who creates the most frightening monster in the

George, have you forgotten my sister?

You're all right, the second most frightening.

Ethel and Humphrey are coming to dinner tonight, George. You are not watching

television. You said they were coming next week.

That was last week.

This week is next week.

Oh, God, that's all I need, isn't it? The night with Madam Moneybags and her

husband. Oh, what a sweet little house.

We must get another one like it for me dog.

George. I am perfectly well aware that you don't like my sister.

I've seen the dart holes in her photographs.

Right, George, you are going to be the perfect host.

You are not going to flick peas about.

You are not going to make a gravy moat round your mashed potatoes.

And most of all, George, at the end of the meal, you are not going to blow your

nose on your napkin.

You're talking about last time, aren't you? Yeah.

The time before that I am trying to blank out of my mind.

It wasn't my fault. It was a new top set and I had a cough.

If your Ethel had had any manners, she'd have eaten her suit and said nothing.

George!

I don't know what to do

next. Oh, there's lots you could do.

I mean, you could take my piece there.

Not at all, not at all.

Now then.

Here we are.

You've taken all my pieces.

Of course. You must learn to be a good loser, Tristram.

I am a good loser. I get a lot of practice.

Now, now, now, that's a defeatist attitude.

That's because I keep getting defeated.

Yes, well, go and get washed and chained for granite.

Yes, you do.

She may give you a game of draught.

She always wins two.

Mum, do I have to go to Granny's? I'm afraid so.

She always looks in my ear to see if there's any potatoes there.

I know.

She does the same to me.

So go on and make sure they're clean.

Ah, Anne.

Are you going to ask me who won? I don't need to. You never... Let him win.

Well, it's for his own good. He's got to learn to cope with life as it really

is. It can be disappointing.

It can be hard.

Like a visit to your mother? Yes.

But let's not forget that she has a large house that someday will be left to

somebody. Well, you're her only child.

Right, so it's a toss -up between me and her cats.

Well, I wouldn't put it past that ginger Tom to put it straight on the market.

That looks finger -licking horrible.

It's poulet roti, George, with stuffing.

I don't know how you can bring yourself to do that, Mildred. Step this way and

I'll show you.

Oh, thank you.

What are we eating with it?

Pommes frites.

Well, aren't we having any potatoes?

No, we're not, George. We're having pommes frites. As soon as your apple

round, you get all fancy. Take the salt out the packet.

I want everything to be properly done, George. You know, snowy white napkins,

gleaming cutlery, freshly cut flowers on the table.

And for a start, you can wipe the gunge off that sauce bottle.

Oh, fancy.

You can't compete, Mildred. She's got a different knife and fork for every

course, without having to wash up in between.

Well, we'll have a full set, George, as soon as you buy another ten gallons.

And you've got proper wine glasses.

So have we.

Yeah, but ours have got British Rail on them. Well, not all of them.

Anyway, George, it's the food that makes us successful.

Oh, no.

I've run out of stuffing.

There's a packet of polyfitter in the shed.

I've never liked cats.

Selfish creatures.

When they look at Mother, they don't see a frail old lady. They see a warehouse

full of catamete.

Nonsense. I'm very fond of my mother.

I'm even wearing the tie she gave me.

And greater love hath no man.

Hmm, red and blue.

If you had a white suit, we could run you up a flagpole.

Don't smear, Anne. The day may well come when you're old and lonely and

colourblind.

And I just don't like the way she makes Tristram recite his tables before he

gets any pudding.

It never did me any harm.

All right.

What's seven nines?

What?

Not I'm so childish.

Incidentally, I wouldn't wear that dress. Mother's very superstitious about

blue. It's green.

Yes, but she's not to know that.

Fifty -six.

Oh, Geoffrey, shame on you.

I never liked pudding anyway.

Oh, hello, love.

Sorry to bother you, but I've got this slight problem.

Ah, as long as it's not arithmetic.

No, no, love, no. No, I was stuffing this chicken, you see, and it seems to

bit bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, so I need more stuffing.

Right,

well, come through, Mildred. OK, thank you.

Mummy? Hmm?

Do I have to wash them both in? Yes, you do.

But do you only ever wash them once?

Well, she might pick the wrong one.

I'll take a chance. You will not both of them. Come here, there.

You could not.

Honestly.

Geoffrey Mildred. What? Ah, Mrs. Roper. Good afternoon, Mr. Fulmar. Ooh.

What an interesting tie.

It's the official tie of the Cat Lovers Association.

Oh, I didn't know you liked cats.

I don't. There's no point in letting them know that.

63.

About time, too. Come on through, Mildred. Thank you, love.

And don't forget to wash behind our ears before we go.

Would you like a cup of tea, Mildred? Oh, lovely.

My sister and her husband are coming to dinner.

Oh, yes, the one you call the awful King of Oxshot.

Oh, they've got a lovely house out there.

All built on pig livers.

Will sage and onion do? Oh, yes, lovely. Oh, and do you think I could borrow

your carving knife? Only George has ruined ours trying to sharpen his dart.

Anything else? Well, we might need your pastry brush.

If I can't get the creosote out of ours.

Oh, and that great big roasting tin of yours.

Oh, and... I'll tell you what, Mildred. I'll tell you what. You take the key,

and if there's anything else you need, pop in and help yourself, because we're

going out. Oh, lovely.

Thank you, dear. Anyone I? Oh, we're just going to see Geoffrey's mother.

And Sammy and Marmalade, Tiddles and Ginger, Smokey and Fluff.

I mustn't hold you up. Oh, please do.

Have a biscuit with your tea.

All

right,

all right.

Keep your hair on.

Hello, George.

Hello, Ted.

Oh, this is a surprise.

Oh, come in.

Oh, tell her. I thought this was your address.

Yeah. Go through.

Oh, yes. Oh.

I haven't seen you since the darts match at British Legion.

Remember, when I got my dart through your hand?

I remember, yes.

And you had to have a course of injections.

That's right, I did.

Sure, it's nice to see you again. I don't get a lot of mates dropping round.

they wouldn't.

Well, I keep inviting them, but they never seem to get round to me somehow.

Would you thank me a drop of scotch? Oh, tar, yeah, I wouldn't say no.

Oh, good.

You, uh, you still got the job with the gas board?

Electricity board.

Oh, yeah, well, same difference.

I suppose you were working nearby and you thought you'd drop in for a chat,

Ah, not exactly. Oh, tar.

Well, I've just come round. Cheers. Cheers.

I've just come round to cut your electricity off.

I thought I'd give them a nice homemade apple pie.

Providing they remember their tables.

Pardon? Oh, nothing, Mildred. So you're going to be flaving over a hot stove all

afternoon? Yes.

Yes. Well, that's done that, then.

Well, it's nothing personal, George. I mean, but if you don't pay your

electricity bill... Well, I meant to pay, but I got let down very, very

Why, less the picket.

How would it be if I gave you a cheque right now?

Well, you gave it a cheque last time, but according to this, the bank sent it

back. I don't understand it. It says on the door, assets of 300 million quid.

They're not yours.

And you did have a lot of warnings.

But I didn't open them, so it doesn't count.

Besides, I'm not allowed to accept payment. Now, I'll just check that

everything's not working properly.

Oh, that's fine, yes.

Listen, Ted, what about friendship?

Oh, you can have that, but you can't have the electricity.

Ah, see.

So that's all this means, eh?

Well, I don't mind telling you, Ted, this is a dark day for me.

It will be later on, won't it?

We've got people coming round tonight. I mean, well, the central heating won't

be working, the refrigerator will be off, we'll be eating our dinner in the

dark. Oh, no, you won't, cos your cooker won't be working either.

Cheerio.

Oh my god.

You see, Mildred, what happened was that I was on my way to the electricity

board place to pay the bill with the money you gave me and these four masked

hooligans.

Well, six masked hooligans.

They fell on me and I was... Oh, God.

George? Oh, you're back. How are they all next door?

Anne gave him the key to the back door.

They've gone to visit his mother. Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.

We must do that sometimes.

We don't know his mother.

No, no, no, I mean my mother.

Apart from the fact she's been dead for years.

Your mother.

Are you all right?

Fine, fine, fine. Don't, don't, don't. Turn on the kettle.

Why not?

Well, President Carter says we've got to save energy.

Well, if President Carter can make chicken stock with cold water, he's

to come and try.

Oh, the little light hasn't gone on. Oh, good, that saved a bit.

Well, phone him up and tell him.

George, the light in the oven hasn't gone on either.

Oh, perhaps it's a fuse.

Oh, yeah, that's right, it's probably a fuse, see? Oh, no, it's probably a power

cut, yes, that's what it is, it's a power cut. All right, then.

I'll phone the electricity board and find out. No, you can't do that.

Why can't I? I mean, a power cut doesn't affect the telephone.

Oh, wait.

No, it is a fuse. Pardon? Yeah, I can smell it.

You leave it to me. And no. No, George, no.

The last time you mended a fuse, you didn't have any eyebrows for three

And you ruined a perfectly good hairpin.

I'll do it. No, no, wait a minute.

It's not a fuse. It's a... How much do you know about electricity?

Well, not a lot.

Oh, yeah.

You've heard of a short circuit, haven't you?

Yeah. Well, this is a long circuit.

Very tricky.

I'll phone them. Yeah, no, no, I'll fix it.

Well, hurry up, George.

I mean, they'll be here by six o 'clock.

I haven't got the dinner in the oven yet.

All right, Mildred.

Are you

sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah. I'll bypass the meter.

Shorten the long circuit, and I'll wire it into the hooker junction wash lane.

Yeah, all right?

Yes, I suppose so.

Over.

George, it's still not working. I haven't finished yet.

Right. Now then, we put this plug in here, you see, and... Viola.

George, I really don't think you know what... George?

The cooker's come on.

You have no faith in me, have you? Well, there's faith in George.

The last time you mentioned a water pipe, we had gas coming through the hot

Well, that's a mistake anybody could make. Yeah. Every time I wanted to fill

kettle, I had to turn the gas fire on.

Well, I've done this right. Look here.

See? We've got two lamps in here and a lamp in the cooker in there.

Is that all?

Oh, truth be told, if I put any more on the cable, it'll dilute the voltage.

Right. Here, do for tonight. I'll just tuck this lot away.

Well, if you... Ah, one advantage.

they won't be able to see what they're eating.

You've got to put your tie on.

Oh,

come in. Hello, George.

Here. Your front doorbell doesn't seem to be working.

Oh, it's gone in for its 3 ,000 -mile service.

The light bulb's gone, too.

Shall I take your coat, Ethel?

Well, I... Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh! Oh!

Mind the step.

Thank you.

He touched my bottom.

Really? He was lucky to find it.

Oh, it's in here.

Oh, hiya, Mildred. Hello, Humphrey. Lovely to see you.

lighting. Yes.

How very wise.

Sherry, George. I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

Sherry. Sherry. Your

cocktail cabinet doesn't play the

bells of St Mary's anymore.

No, no, no. We haven't plugged it in.

We are heeding the government's warning.

Why? Was it dangerous to your health?

we're trying to save energy.

Well, we're doing our bit. We turn off the underwater lighting in the pool

during the day.

You mean you keep it open during the winter? Oh, yes.

Mainly for the dog.

What a lucky little Baffet.

Would you care for a Knabe?

Oh.

I made them from a magazine article.

Yeah, it tastes like it.

Dinner will be in about an hour, so we've got lots of time to chat.

Oh, good.

Yes.

Isn't this nice?

Did you count those kittens, hmm?

I swear they're trying to outbreed us.

They have four or five at a time, Geoffrey. I can't compete with that.

All right, I know you did.

She's probably cutting you out of her will at this very moment.

Go up and get your homework, Tristan.

All right.

What have you got?

I've got to write an essay.

What? I don't know about how I'll be granny. Up.

I'll be granny.

You did not help by pitting on Tiddles.

Well, I apologise.

Not to Tiddles.

Mother noticed it. Well, I'll write it a note.

Well, that might help.

Why, don't it?

What's the back door doing there?

I don't know.

Oh, it might be Mildred. I left her the key.

What's this?

It seems to be going into next door.

Yes.

Another sherry, I'm thinking. Oh, no, thank you.

Very nice.

Unusual, isn't it?

Not often you see a sparkling sherry.

No,

it's Moroccan, you know.

Very nice.

Yeah, very cheap.

Yes.

That lamp moved.

It's supposed to move.

No, not up and down.

Sideway.

I'll just put the potatoes in. Mildred, it moved.

Pardon? When you came into the room, it moved.

Who did it?

Oh, did it really?

Not up and down.

Sideways.

Let's do it again. Look, look, look.

Perhaps the house is tilting. These inexpensive properties do sometimes

Don't be ridiculous.

Hey, here.

they wanted.

Yes, but what's on the end of this, that's what I'd like to know.

Hello, son.

Mr Roper.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pull on this.

Right, well, I'll plug it then. No, no, you can't do that. It's hard to plug. In

my pocket. Oh, well, just a minute.

We seem to be having trouble with the electrics.

Yes, I'd spotted that.

We have our own generator, of course.

How lucky for you.

Do you have a stuffed olive?

Eh? Oh, yeah, just a minute.

Thank you. I like stuffed olives.

Are you going anywhere nice for your holidays?

Oh, well, we thought that we might...

Blackpool ourselves.

Shouldn't you be doing something about it? Oh, no. No, no, no, love.

We never book until January.

Well, I'll just go and see if I can find some candles.

Help yourself to Sherry. No, thank you.

I will kill him.

I will.

Ow!

Just wait till I get hold of him.

I'll fix it.

Don't you worry.

I'll...

Mildred. Come here.

You have just ten seconds to explain.

One, two, three, four, five, six... I was only waiting to pay the electric

see, and these eight masked hooligans... George, you didn't pay it.

They've cut us off. Well, it could have been nine masked hooligans, Mildred.

I mean, the chicken is only half cooked.

Well, couldn't we give them the half that's cooked?

What am I going to tell Ethel and Humphrey?

Well, you can blame me if you like.

I do.

Well, it wasn't altogether my fault. It's partly Lester's.

You will not.

I'm not going to have my sister think that I can't pay my bills.

Oh, look at him.

What are we going to give him to eat?

Here,

George. It's a funny kind of power cut. All the artists across the street are

holding it up.

It's a bit odd, that, isn't it?

Here we are, then.

I, uh... I hope nobody minds cold soup.

Or is it vichy soy or gazpacho?

Er, oxtail.

Not for me, thank you. What are we having to follow?

Fish paste salad.

But there's not enough to go round.

Thank God for that.

So I'm just having a wheat a bit.

Oh, God.

Oh, Bill.

Bill, please.

I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault about the power, you know, and all that.

Look, why don't we go round to the Grand Hotel, eh?

I'll pay.

I mean, we could have a nice bit of roast beef round there.

Oh, of course.

I wouldn't mind that, Mildred. And we could get some decent wine as well.

All right. I'll give them a ring and book a table.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no. Why don't we stay here, see? Fish -based salad. Yum, yum, yum, yum,

yum, yum.

Ten minutes away and then we can get... Hello?

Your phone's gone.

We could have a sing -song later, eh?

Oh, that's funny.

It's gone right dead.

Seats have been cut off. Are you sure?

Yeah. I mean, it was all right yesterday when I... George.

George.

Did you pay the bill?

Well, I was going to, see, but these ten -mark duly...