Original subtitles

Thames VTR 18061 part 1, take 1.

Every boy in my class has got a skateboard except for me.

Now, don't exaggerate, Crystal.

Well, one boy's got one, Alistair Smith.

His father's probably rich.

He is. He makes skateboards.

He already tears around the house like a hurricane. I am not giving him wheels.

Anyway, it's just a passing fad, like the hula hoop.

What's that?

Oh, well, it was a big plastic hoop you used to swing round and round on your

hip. It was great fun.

Go and get ready for school.

You know, Anne, we spoil that boy.

What, by not giving him anything?

By encouraging him to expect something for nothing.

He must learn to work for what he wants.

I don't think they take them at the coalface till the nine.

There's too much of it about. Look at him next door, Roper.

Oh, has he got a skateboard?

No job, lives off the Social Security, never does a stroke of work, lazy.

Speaking of work... Ah, I didn't think I'd go into the office today. I thought

I'd, er...

Pop down the golf club. Polish up my golf swing.

George, are you going to get dressed?

What for?

It's not the day for collecting me doll money.

I mean, you could be out looking for a job.

Oh, well, no.

I've been looking, Mildred, and I've found one. Hey, listen to this.

Petrol pump attendant.

Overalls provided.

48 -hour week. Good wages.

Well, it's better than nothing.

Right, I'll give him a ring for you. When do you want to start? Oh, no.

Ah, no, no.

You are the man of the house.

Oh, the man.

You should be out working, not me.

Well, I tried for jobs, Mildred. Oh, yeah.

Male model.

Airline pilot.

And what was the other one?

Orthopaedic surgeon.

I mean, you never try for jobs you might get.

Well, there's no point.

I wouldn't get much more than I'd get on the doll.

George, every little will help.

I'm not fed up with you hanging about the house doing nothing all day.

I put up the shelf in the kitchen.

Yes, I know you did.

Seven times.

It's fallen down again.

Well, you keep putting things on it.

I mean, we need more money.

I'm tired of pretending that all the meat I buy is for the dog.

Yeah, well, I have had an idea, Mildred, to bring in a little bit more, but

you're not going to like it.

I am not taking a paper round.

No, no, of course not. Look,

Mildred. Yeah?

Why don't we do what we used to do?

For at this time in the morning?

No, not that. I mean, why don't we take in lodgers?

Lodgers? Yeah, lodgers. We've got a spare room up there doing nothing. Oh,

George, it's tiny.

I mean, you can't swing a cat in it.

Oh, you could get an animal lover.

It's a ridiculous idea.

Oh, sorry you feel that way, Mildred, because I've already put an advert in

local paper.

You've what?

I tell you, it's him.

He's advertising for a lodger. Look, 46 peacock crevice.

Yes, well... That's all we need, a common lodging house next door.

Well, it's not really any of our business. It could affect the property

Anne. The next thing you know, he'll have 15 doorbells with names on it you

can't pronounce.

And they'll all be...

Skateboarding up the street to collect the social security.

Now you're exaggerating. Oh, boy.

Ah, well, if you want Tristram to go up in a slum... Are you going to take him

to school or not, Jeffrey? All right, all right.

But don't blame me when they're all sitting on the front doorstep drinking

wine. And make sure you take his homework.

Come along, Tristram, we're going to be... Why are you taking that helicopter

school? I'm going to swap it for a hundred conkers.

What are you going to do with a hundred conkers?

Swap them for a skateboard.

Well, leave it here.

It's an educational establishment, not a multicoloured swap shop.

Go on.

Aren't you going to ask me if I've got the homework?

Have you got your homework?

Yes. Good, come on.

Well, how are things in school, then, eh, Tiger?

Well, talk of the first invitation.

Oh.

Um, this is Peacock's Crescent, is it?

Oh, uh, yes, yes.

Thank you.

Well, we...

You had no right, George, to do that without telling me first.

What if I told you? We'd only had a row.

What do you think? What are we having now?

I mean, I agree we need more money, George, but... You certainly do. I took

fibre out of your purse to pay for the advert.

I mean, what happens when my mother comes?

She'll have nowhere to stay.

Well, there you are. That's another advantage.

I am not having a lodger in this house, and that is final.

Oh, yeah, but listen, Mildred... Oh, you...

It's a ridiculous idea. I've never heard anything like it in the whole... Yes?

Good morning. My name is Rogers. I understand you have a room to let.

Oh, uh, I, uh, we would, uh... Yes.

Yes, indeed.

Oh, come in.

That's it.

Um,

I'm Mrs. Roper.

Mildred. How do you do?

I would have rung first, only the development didn't have your telephone

Oh, quite, yes, and it's just as well not to guess at these things.

Would you like to go in?

There you are.

Well, well.

George, it's a gentleman.

I called about the position of paying guest.

Paying guest? Yes.

You said just now that we were... Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, George.

This is my husband, George Roland Roper.

Mr... Rogers, Edward Rogers.

It's ten quid a week. No cooking in your room, no pets, and a month's rent in

the barn.

George, he hasn't even seen the room yet.

Would you like to sit down? Thank you.

Now then, first things first.

How about references?

Oh, we can give you all you need.

Oh, no.

You give them to us, don't you?

Oh, silly me.

That won't be necessary.

Hang on.

For all we know, he may be a crook.

Or a swindler. Oh, don't be so ridiculous, George. You're not, are you?

No, no. Oh, there you are, then.

No, I'm a representative for George and Coley. They're shipbuilding, you see.

I'm sales representative.

Oh.

Sales, eh?

I thought they ran on steam these days.

Now, I'm more on the small boat side, you know.

Accessories and so forth.

Small boat side?

Oh, how fascinating.

And accessories and so forth. I'm down here for a month sizing up new retail

outlets and I need somewhere to stay.

It needn't be large.

You're in luck, it isn't.

Only a month. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we were looking for someone more permanent

than that. No, I'm sorry, it's out of the question, isn't it, Mildred?

Would you like to see your room?

Here we are. Oh, mind the steps, please.

Thank you.

There we are. Thank you.

Yes, it's cosy.

Compact and...

Tiny? Yes, tiny.

But, yes, it's very... Cosy and compact?

Absolutely.

I will take the tea chest off the bed before you move in. Thank you.

We have a wardrobe, of course.

Here.

Oh!

And I'll take the lawnmower out before you... I mean,

that is if you intend to. I think this room would suit me very well, Mrs Roper.

No baths after 10 o 'clock.

A shilling of time to watch the telly.

George, well, we seem to have got our paying debt.

Hang on.

I haven't decided if he's the right sort.

If it was full board, I'd be willing to go up to £30 a week.

I'll have a key cut for you in the morning.

Oh, yeah, there's one other thing. No member of the opposite sex allowed in

room. Oh, well, excuse me, George. You can clean it.

I didn't mean you. I meant no women.

As a matter of fact, I've drawn up a list of rules and regulations here. Oh,

thank you.

When would you like to move in?

Well, would tomorrow morning be convenient?

Oh, perfectly.

There you are.

Oh, they're lovely.

Thank you again, Mr Rogers.

Oh, it's my pleasure. And please, Edward.

Edward. Thank you.

Would you care for wine yourself?

Oh, thank you.

Why not?

Oh,

did you want a sherry, George?

No. Feed yourself.

Dinner won't be long.

It's veal cordon bleu.

I've never tried it before.

I don't like veal. I'm doing you fish fingers.

And to follow, you're going to have my apple pie that you said you liked so

much. Now, you spoil me. You really do.

Tell me, is there anything I can do to help? I mean, lay the table? Oh, no, no,

no. There's no job for a man.

George will do it later.

Well, um... I think I'll just pop upstairs and freshen up before dinner.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, you spoil me, you really do. Oh, not at all. Oh, what lovely towers.

Makes you sick.

Just watch it, George.

You're favouring him over me, Mildred. Oh, rubbish.

Well, last night he had eight chips on his plate. I only had seven.

He goes out to work, George.

He does not lie around. all day, drawing on page three of The Sun.

He deserves an extra chip.

Why do you two keep nattering on about theatres and books and art galleries?

Well, it's only conversation, George.

Yeah, well, it's killing the art of television. I can't hear it half the

And all that banging and hammering on Saturday.

Well, he was fixing the shelf in the kitchen, George. I mean, properly.

You wouldn't do it. Yeah.

No, and he's mended that squeaky door. You wouldn't do that either.

In fact, there are lots of things that you won't do that...

He might be able to.

And another thing.

Since he's been staying with us, Mildred never listens to a word I say.

Half the time, I might as well be talking to myself.

Sorry, did you say something?

Oh, God, we were discussing this at this lodger of hers.

Oh, yes.

Mr Rogers.

He's nice, isn't he?

Nice? I can stand and chat with him for hours.

Excuse me.

Yeah, but the point is, you see... As usual, Brenda.

Yeah, but the point is, you see... Oh.

Oh. Afternoon.

Oh, yes.

It's a nice day, isn't it? Yes, it was.

Here, listen, you met this lodger fellow, haven't you? Oh, Edward, yes.

nice chap. Oh, God.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of reading this beer mat.

Well, if a fellow can't have a bit of polite conversation with his mates, he's

pretty poor lookout, isn't he?

Mate? Well, no, what I mean is... Look, I'd like to have a word with you. All

right, what is it?

Well, it's nothing really.

Well, that didn't take long. No, actually,

there is one thing.

I've got this friend, you see.

You've surprised me.

Yeah, well, anyway, and this friend... Can we sit down for a minute? Oh, very

well.

Yeah, and this friend...

This friend, you see, he's beginning to get a bit worried about, well, about...

About what?

Well, he thinks his wife, you see, he thinks his wife may be beginning to sort

of, well, fancy another man.

Oh, yes.

So it's been a worthwhile trip, then? Yes, it's been a very good month for me.

I've managed to interest several people.

Yes.

There's all sorts of opportunities down here. Oh, there must be, yes.

For instance, I've had a lot of reaction to my fiddle and jamming blocks.

Yes, well, you would have.

So you'll be leaving us tomorrow, then? Afraid so, yes.

No more home cooking.

Oh, surely.

Your wife?

Oh, no, I never got around to marriage.

I never met a cook like you.

Oh.

It's little things.

You know, like... Not the way she sighs when she's ironing his underpants.

This is the wife of your friend that your friend thinks is beginning to fancy

the chap that's staying with your friend and his wife?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

And has your friend said anything about this? Oh, no, no, no, he hasn't told us

all. Then how do you know about it?

Oh, well, apart from me, that is.

Mm -hm.

I see. Well, I have to ask you this.

What sort of chap is this friend of yours?

Oh, he's one of the best.

Got nothing to worry about, then? No? No, no, no. It's probably all in the

Yeah. Yeah, you could be right.

I don't think he's got as much to worry about as you have.

What do you mean?

I saw your lodger going down the path at lunchtime. Does he always finish work

that early?

What's this one? The single speed top action winch.

Oh, that's for clawing on the sheet.

Clawing on the sheet?

How fascinating.

Yes, that's been one of my best selling lines.

Yeah.

I think there's someone in your garden.

What?

I came for the back way to have a look at the roses.

What, at this time of the year?

Yeah, there's not a lot there.

You're back early, aren't you? Yes, well, I finished my business. It's just

question of tidying up before I leave in the morning.

Oh, yeah, of course.

He's leaving in the morning, Mildred.

Yes, George.

Oh, no, it's a pity, really, isn't it?

Well, I think I'll carry on in the bedroom. You are.

I'm making too much mess down here. Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

George, I thought we might have a special little farewell dinner tonight.

What for?

Oh, it'll be nice, George.

Just the three of us. Oh, yeah, all right.

Oh, no, I can't. I've got this darts match tonight.

It's the British Legion. Oh, it'll be nice, just the two of us.

Oh, don't be like that.

I'm on the team the first time.

Please yourself.

87, 88, 89 and a half.

Oh, I'll never save up enough.

Ah. Well, I've been thinking about this, Tristram, and I've decided.

You can have a skateboard for your birthday. How's that?

Don't want a skateboard.

We've all gone off skateboards.

You've what?

I want a Star Wars robot.

Alice here's got a Star Wars robot.

Go and clean your teeth before the babysitter arrives.

Can I have a Star Wars robot?

No, you can't. Teeth.

Careful.

What time have you got the table for?

Oh, 8 .30ish.

Anne? How would you like a skateboard for your birthday?

Would you like a wafer thin after dinner, Mint?

No, I couldn't manage it. That was a marvellous meal, Mildred.

I'm going to miss all this, you know. Oh, so am I.

I suppose this is the last chance we'll get for a little chat.

Well, um... Oh, perhaps a brandy.

I've bought a couple of bottles, especially for the occasion.

Yes.

Here we are, then.

Oh, I'm not sure I should have had that third glass of wine. No.

I hadn't realised that George wouldn't be here tonight.

Darth. Ah.

Well, I mean, even if he was here, he'd just be sitting in front of the

television as usual.

As it is, he'll be out for hours.

Oh, will he?

What is on the television tonight?

Nothing much.

Would you like to hear another record?

Do you like Mantovani? No.

Well, I mean, sometimes, yes, but... Are you sure you want this brandy?

Yes, I think I do.

It's been a very pleasant month, my stay here. Oh, it's been very pleasant for

me, too.

Yes, but you see... You know, I do sometimes get a bit lonely.

Mildred, Mrs Roper, I'm not sure that I... We...

I think there's something you ought to know.

About me. What?

I'm... I'm gay.

I'm pretty cheerful myself.

No, no. You see, I mean... I mean, I'm gay.

You... Oh, you mean you're... Gay.

Yes.

Oh, well, yeah.

Terrible waist.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

I thought I was going to be on the team. He's better with his left than you are

with your right, George.

Might as well stay at home.

Still, it's a nice chance to get away from the wife, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

And get away from the lodger.

Left them alone together, did you?

Your Mildred and Roger.

The lodger.

Very trusted of you, George.

Oh, nice one, George.

What do you mean?

Well, they're known for it, aren't they? Travelling salesmen in there with this

month's special offer of a drop of a sample skate.

Would you care to step outside and repeat that insinuendo?

All right.

Oh, yeah, well, no.

You probably didn't mean it that way.

You are wet, George. I've got nothing against your missus. I'm not saying

anything against her.

She's a very good -looking woman.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.

Yes, she is.

And these fellas, well, it's all part of their training course, isn't it?

Oh, no.

I mean, Mildred wouldn't call for a thing like that.

Definitely not Mildred. I mean, she's far too sort of, well, excuse me.

Rogers.

Oh.

Mildred.

Mildred.

Mildred.

George, what are you doing?

Where were you?

In the kitchen.

Oh, I see.

Right, come on out there.

I'm already out.

Not you.

Rogers.

Where is he?

Well, he went for a walk after dinner.

Oh. What do you want him for? Oh, well...

I thought I'd invite him out for a drink. Oh, well, he's not here.

So you can take me instead.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, get your coat on, then.

Oh,

um... What happened to the darts match?

Oh, well, I decided some things are more important than playing darts. Might

take my own little wife out.

Oh, George.

I think you've had a couple of drinks already.

Still, um... Gin and tonic. Right, leave it to me, my sweet.

A large one.

Not really.

It's not funny. It's a bit sad, really. What else can I do?

A frustrated middle -aged woman makes a pass at me. I had to tell her I was gay.

You? Gay?

Not after last night.

I suppose it's understandable.

After all, look at that husband of hers. He's a bit wet.

I've got you a packet of crisps.

George.

George, I've just been insulted.

You what?

Insulted. You're coming back to my place, then?

Why not?

Can't be too long tonight.

It's him. I know who it is.

Oh, what did he say?

Never mind. He insulted me.

Ah, Edward.

Care for a drink? Oh, I'm afraid we're just leaving.

Thank you very much, Geoffrey.

I've got a prospect to see to. Always on the job, eh? Yes, bye.

I'll tell you what I would like for my birthday. What's that? A Star Wars

You've been got at.

Let me see if I've got this straight.

You say you were insulted, but you won't tell me what you said. Well, it's too

hurtful, George.

I'm not having that. No one's allowed to insult my wife except me.

And he said you were a bit wet.

A bit wet, eh? Yes. Oh, we'll see who's a bit wet.