Original subtitles

Thames VTR 18060, part one, take one.

Wakey, wakey, come on, George.

Come on.

Come on, wake up.

Come on.

Otherwise I'll pour hot tea right down your ear.

What did you say?

Tea, George.

And crumpets.

Oh,

yeah.

What's the time? Eleven o 'clock.

Oh, you know I like to sleep late on Sunday.

Oh, George.

Not today.

It's a special... It's a special day, George.

It's our wedding anniversary.

24 years.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

George.

Wake up.

I've got something for you. Oh, not now, Mildred. It's too early.

This. Oh, what is it?

It's something, George, that might make you a little more masculine.

I'm not going back on them pills again.

Oh, see.

Oh, it's a worst name. It's a pipe. Yeah. And some tobacco.

Oh, yeah.

Ready rubbed.

Yes.

Well, very nice, I'm sure.

Did you say 24 years?

Yes, George.

Seems longer than that.

Pass the sugar, will you?

George, I don't suppose you remember to buy me one, did you?

I didn't know you wanted a pipe.

An anniversary present.

Well, that's where you could be wrong, Mildred.

you know I may have bought you something. I may have put it in the

nicely wrapped.

Oh, George, did you?

No, I didn't.

Now,

I'll put it under the bed. Here.

Oh, George, you did remember.

Well, you talked about nothing else for the last six weeks.

It's only a cloth.

Oh, it's a carriage.

Oh, George, it's lovely.

Yeah, it cost me ten quid, that, did it? Yeah.

Is that all?

I got off with a fellow in a pub, retired antique dealer.

He was clearing out the last of his stock because he was emigrating.

Yes, well... Oh, George, it's lovely.

You deserve a kiss.

What? Ow, gold.

All right.

300 miles of silence is enough.

Let's have it.

When you said winter holiday, I thought you meant skiing.

You can't... go skiing with golf clubs, Anne.

Goes your balance.

Tristram enjoyed himself.

I mean, you enjoyed taking the flag out of the hole for me, didn't you?

I'll be glad to get back to...

Well, I thought you'd like learning to play golf. Well, I might, if you didn't

criticise. I'm standing all wrong, my grip's all wrong, I'm not holding my

properly. And that's just when I'm carrying a golf bag.

It was boring.

You wouldn't let me dig holes in the sand.

Certainly not.

You did.

It's all right, the holiday's over.

Let's talk about something more pleasant.

Like the gas bill, the electricity bill, the race.

I'll tell you what, soldier.

Next year we'll do something you like.

How do you feel about salmon fishing?

Boring.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Good grief.

We've been burglaring.

There you are, you see.

Your daddy brought that for your mummy.

Yeah, I see what you mean, Mildred.

It does give me a certain panache.

Here, who's this remind you of?

Thirteen years of Charlie Misrule.

Mike Yarwood. Yeah, that's right.

Well, I forget to like this.

Of course, I still roll my own occasionally.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, I did try a pipe before, Mildred, when I was younger. It got caught in a

tube doorway at Oxford Circus.

I'll never start again.

It suits you, George. Yeah. Well, apart from that... It is better for your

health. Yes, exactly.

You know, Mr Paul Mile next door sometimes smokes a pipe.

Oh, I see what this is all about. It's a middle -class image, isn't it? Well,

let me tell you, I could smoke one of these and still remain working class.

Yeah, I can see that, George.

Oh, by the way, I think they're back from Scotland.

How do you know? The wall's warm. I think they've turned the central heating

George, do you think you could puff at it gently?

I mean, you're not trying to screen a convoy.

I thought pipe smoke got women going.

Well, even if it did, I couldn't find you.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

No, it's true. I see it on the telly.

Telly, one whiff of this and they're chasing you down the street.

Oh, you open that window, they'll be near like flies. Oh, don't be

George?

There's a police car drawing up. Yeah, well, they may be needed.

looking at this house.

Eh? Have you paid the television licence?

Of course I have. Years ago.

It's that dog. You haven't got a licence for her.

I didn't mean to, George, but... Well, they've probably been round with the

detector van.

Oh, no. It's all right. They're going up the four -mile path.

God, I wonder why.

I mean, they never... Detector van?

Yes, they broke the glass and reached in.

Don't know why they bothered.

They could have forced that lot with a butterfly's wing.

Well, I didn't expect criminals to come through the back garden. Can't they see

the lawn's just been seeded?

They're not all garden lovers, sir.

Just as well, in a way.

They might have nicked your greenhouse.

We never used to have crime in this area.

It's that new council estate.

Really? It's probably an Aladdin cave down there. Search the houses.

Do you know where it is? Just down the road from... I do know it, sir. I live

there.

Oh, well, I'm not saying they're all criminals.

Very broad -minded of you, sir.

You got that, Mills?

Keep an eye out for working -class fingerprints.

Will do.

Well, I checked through the kitchen, and the only thing missing there is an egg

whisk. Looks like the work of the Omelette Gang.

But I may have lent that to our next -door neighbour.

Oh, yes, you don't happen to know if they've been turned over as well, do

Shouldn't think so.

They haven't got anything worth stealing.

Check. Still, it might be worth talking to them. I've never found it so.

Not your sort, eh, sir?

More your council estate type, no doubt.

I'd better have a word, though. Meanwhile, if you could complete your

what's missing, madam.

That man is a prat with class.

Hello. Who have we got here, then?

I'm a cop from the 47th Precinct.

Ah, a colleague.

Perhaps you can assist me on this cape.

We'll catch the criminals together, eh?

All right.

But we're not allowed to cross the road.

Well, I'll do that part.

What's the first thing we should do, Sergeant?

Captain.

Right. Then you can leap out and arrest them single -handed.

How's that?

See, I'm not really a policeman.

Oh, well, it's nice pretending, though, isn't it?

You mean you're not really a policeman either?

Ah.

Now, how's it to guess why the police are there, Mildred? Oh, it's probably a

mistake, George.

No, he's been up to something.

I mean, I'm not one to make wild accusations, but did they ever catch all

train robbers? You ask yourself that?

George!

George!

Really?

You're frightening the dog.

George?

It's one of those policemen.

They've come here.

Well, just you remember, he's your dog.

Good morning.

Mrs. Roper, is it?

Yes. Detective Sergeant Burks, the I .D. Could I have a word?

Yes. Yes, of course. Come in.

Look, I mean, she's only just over six months old and, I mean, I'll have to be

mean to get a license. Well, I don't deal with dog licenses myself, madam.

I'll leave that to the chief superintendent.

Oh, good.

Would you like to go in?

That's it.

And this is my husband, Mr Roper.

Oh, yes, how do you do? Morning, sir.

Oh, God!

Yes, I believe you're acquainted with the Four Miles.

Yes. Oh, such a nice class of person.

Quite.

Well, there's been a break in and entering.

Oh, yeah, and you reckon he did it? Yeah, well, it wouldn't surprise me. No,

no, no, sir, no. Into their premises.

Oh.

Oh, what do you mean? Have you been burgled? Oh.

It's easier to go on winter holidays, wasn't it?

George. Yes?

Do please sit down.

I must apologise for my husband.

It's his nervous reaction to any bad news.

He, er...

Oh, no, it's a shame, though, isn't it? I mean, they've got a lot of nice

possessions next door, haven't they?

Well, they did have, didn't they?

Yes. I don't suppose you're missing anything, are you, madam?

Well, I... Oh, no, no.

Not us, no, no.

Have you seen any strangers in the area recently?

Strangers? Oh, yeah, come to think of it, there was one.

Tall, thin fellow, little moustache.

Ah, tall, thin... Little moustache. He went up their path next door. Did you

notice the colour of his hair, sir?

Oh, that's a bit difficult. He had his helmet on.

No, sir, I'm not interested in my constable.

Anybody else?

Madam? Oh, no. No, I don't know anything about it at all. No, I haven't seen

anybody, I haven't heard anybody, no, nothing at all.

Will I be called to give evidence?

I doubt it, madam.

What a shock.

I mean, poor Anne.

Oh, I must go and have a word.

Oh, unless you'd like me to continue to help you with your inquiries.

Continue? No, thank you. Oh, well, excuse me.

Now, sir, have you heard any unusual noises during the past few days?

Oh, what have you been up?

Footprints, whispering, glass smashing, that sort of thing?

Yes, sir.

No, no, I haven't heard anything.

Oh, it was such a shocker.

If there's anything at all I can do to help... Well, that's very kind of him,

though. Well, I can't get over the nerve of them. I mean, breaking in, rummaging

around, turning the place upside down as if they were VAT inspectors.

Have you lost much?

Well, I lost a bit of jewellery, some earrings.

Oh, and Geoffrey's best cufflinks and your electric razor. We'll never see any

of it again.

They sell it down in the market or in the pubs. The one thing that upsets us,

they took Geoffrey's mother's wedding present, an antique carriage clock.

Went down the wrong way.

Carriage clock.

It was insured for 150, but I think it was worth more.

We'll never see it again.

Tell me something.

How long do the police sort of, well, keep a crime on their files if it's not

solved?

What sort of crime, sir?

Stealing cigarette cards.

Well, now, that depends.

Was there any violence involved?

Any GBH?

Any shooters?

Well, no, it's just that he, or she...

Nicked him from a school satchel, see, and it's been playing on his mind. Or

hers.

Did he, or she, leave any clues?

Only a note. The hooded terror strikes again.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I recall the case, eh?

It was the one regret of Sir Robert Mark that he had to retire with that one

unsolved.

George, I want a word with you.

Oh.

You're still here.

Good.

Not for long, madam. I must be on my way. Oh, all right. I'll see you out.

No, I won't.

No, George will. George.

Oh, all right.

Thank you for your help, madam.

You don't really remember the case, do you?

What, the hooded terror and the cigarette cards? Oh, yes.

For a long time, we suspected Ronald Biggs.

But what you've told me throws a new light on the matter.

Goodbye, son. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, and, um, don't leave the country without

letting us know.

He knows all about you nicking those cigarette cards.

What?

Oh, George, we've got more important things. Now, this clock.

Tell me about the man who's told it to you.

Well, he was in a pub.

I know, a retired antique dealer, but what did he look like?

Oh, little fellow with a twitch, cap and muffler.

Needed a shave.

He didn't have a bag marked swag, did he?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, you think he may have dropped off the back of a lorry?

No, George.

I think he might have stolen it. Oh, well, that's the way of the world, isn't

it, Mildred? I mean, that price.

George, has it never crossed your mind who it might have been stolen from?

Eh?

Do you think there's much chance of getting any of it back?

Possibly, madam. We're always recovering stolen property.

Watches, jewellery, cigarette cards.

Cigarette cards?

I may have a lead on the hooded terror.

The what?

Never mind.

Thank you for your help, madam. We'll be in touch.

Oh. Right, then. Bye.

I can't wait till Monday.

Oh, the only boy in my park has been burglared. Well,

let's hope you get a house point for it.

matching, ma 'am. Well, I expect he fought them off.

Well, there's one good thing about it. At least we were insured. I renewed the

policy last month.

At least I think I... Oh, good grief.

I can't seem to keep it going, Mildred. Yes, that's always

been your trouble, George.

Aren't you worried at all?

Oh, we don't know. It's their plot.

Oh, look, Anne described it to me.

Theirs had a white face, Roman numerals.

Ours had a white face, Roman numerals, a little handle on top.

Theirs were stolen last week.

You bought ours last week from some scruff in a pub.

What do you mean, ours? It's yours.

But you bought it for me.

I think I may have the answer, Mildred.

What? I put less tobacco in the bowl.

Oh, sure.

They will... They will have you for receiving stolen goods.

Oh, no, they wouldn't do that, would they? Well, how will they find out? I'll

tell them, unless you start taking this thing seriously.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We'll get rid of it. How's that?

We'll give it to your mother for Christmas.

You'd do that, wouldn't you?

Well, if she gets caught, she can plead insanity if they believe her.

I mean, it's a family heirloom, George. We've got to give it back to the four

miles. Oh, yeah, then they get done for receiving. It belongs to them.

No, we've got to take it back tomorrow, George.

We've got to tell them, quite frankly, that you bought it for a fraction of its

value from a complete stranger.

In a pub?

I don't even believe it myself.

Well, why don't we leave it on their doorstep? Oh, lovely, yeah.

Then it'll end up on the milkman's mantelpiece.

Couldn't we sneak it back without them noticing? Oh, George, really.

That is the most ridiculous... Oh.

Sit down, Charles.

Do you know, for a dreadful moment yesterday, I thought that I hadn't

the policy.

No such luck, I'm afraid.

You're fully covered for everything by an earthquake.

I suppose it was a burglary, not an earthquake.

Definitely. Here's the list.

It's probably too early for a sherry. Yeah, probably.

Medium or dry? Dry, please.

You've got it quite lightly.

You're claiming £20 for an electric razor?

It had great sentimental value.

Our money has great sentimental value, too.

They might agree to 15.

Oh, well, that's twice what I paid for it.

Only joking.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, yes, 12 sherry glasses.

Great, sir. Cheers.

Ah, that may be Anne. Excuse me.

Hello,

Mr. Formile. It's me, Mildred, from next door.

And, um...

This is my husband.

George.

Mr and Mrs Roper. What can I do for you? Well, George thought he ought to call

round and express his sympathy about what happened, you know. Yeah, yeah,

right. Oh, thank you.

Yes, it could have been worse. Oh, yeah, it could have been ours. Quite.

Is that all?

No. He felt that... George felt that he ought to come round and express his

sympathy to Anne as well.

Your wife.

She's not in. Oh, good.

George.

Do you think we might come in and wait?

What? Oh, yes, yes, I suppose so. Oh, thank you. Do you need me, Mildred? Yes,

do.

Will she be long? I shouldn't think so.

She's just gone down to the police station.

Charles.

This is... Neighbours.

Charles Newman of the Scottish Widows.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

It's an insurance company.

Oh, I see.

Sit down, George.

Bits. You don't mind if we carry on? Good.

Some form -fitting, I'm afraid, Geoffrey. Rather a bore.

If you could copy your list into this column, with your estimate of the value

the right there.

That's it.

Electric razor, £15.

Cherry glasses. We ought to get away with that valuation.

Cufflinks.

Solid gold, obviously.

Oh, go on, Miss Riley.

This next one's a bit tricky.

Hard to put a value on it. Ah, the carriage clock.

Right.

I was expecting me late.

Well, it is an antique.

Her mother had it valued at £150.

That was a few years ago.

Right,

well, allowing for inflation, shall we say.

Well, I don't think we will wait for Anne. What? No, no, no, sit down. She

she'd be back by 12.

Ah. I can't stay too long myself. Is that the right time?

Well, maybe a bit past, but... Good heavens.

I don't think we will wait.

What on earth is this doing here?

Oh, isn't it strange how something can be right under your nose and you

You just don't see it.

Geoffrey, marvellous news. Oh, hello, Mildred, Mr Robert. Hello, Anne.

It will please you too. We've got some of our stuff back. We have?

They caught two teenagers, public schoolboys, from the private estate.

Ah. Sergeant Burke said be sure and tell you that.

We've got your cufflink, my earring, your electric razor.

It's just like Christmas.

And best of all, your mother's clock.

Oh.

What? Eh?

Oh, yes, you're quite right. It is a fine piece.

Yeah, but just a minute. Hang on a minute. Isn't that your clock?

This? Good Lord, no, I don't buy rubbish like this.

Rubbish? Yes, made in Hong Kong. Cost about a fiver down the market.

Fiver? Well, it cost me ten.

It's yours?

Yeah.

Well, yes, you see, I brought it round because, well, I thought you might like

to borrow it, seeing as you've lost yours, but obviously you wouldn't want

mean, not cheap Hong Kong rubbish like that. Give me that.

Excuse us.

Neighbours.

And take that filthy thing out of your mouth.