Original subtitles

You're making me an A.

Oh, I love it. What have all those people been driving about? I know, love.

It's just dress. Go inside, my love. There you go.

That's it. Yes.

Oh! I hope you don't mind me parking my new, bottle -green, automatic Jaguar XJ6

outside. Only Humphrey gave it to me for my birthday.

You're still having birthdays, are you, dear? Oh, well, there you go.

George, it's my sister, Ethel. Yeah, I could hear her credit card rattling.

So what do we owe this unexpected pleasure? It is not unexpected, George.

No, it's not a pleasure either.

Stop. I just popped in to have a chat about Mother. Well, I thought we needed

blinking Mother in North Carolina.

Actually, that reminds me. On Saturday, I'm selling flags for the pig ignorant.

Well, uh, George isn't too keen on having Mother stay with us for the week.

he's hiding it well.

I must say, Humphrey gets on with her all right.

Yes, well, I mean, he's more used to older women, isn't he, dear?

Uh, Sherry?

Sherry, you served the last time. Yes.

No, thank you.

Now, about Mother, she is not getting any younger. Oh, well, dear, none of us

are. Apart from you, of course.

What we need to say is, she's living in the past, just a little.

Every time the planes fly over from Heathrow, she can't understand why the

guns aren't firing out.

I think most of us feel that way, dear.

And Hilda, mother, for a week last year, she said she's getting very forgetful.

Oh, Hilda can talk.

Five kids, she's supposed to be on the pill.

Five and a half, the chemist was shut again. Oh, no.

Anyway, I thought I'd better just drop in and mention it. Yeah, and so is your

bottle green all the Maddy XJ was named.

Oh, George. It's a wonder she didn't bring it in with her.

It's perfectly all right, Mildred.

Mother was right, you should never have married him.

Your mother was against you and me getting married?

Oh, yes.

God, how I've wronged that woman.

Anne, I want a word with you.

I have just found a sticky toffee apple in the glove compartment.

Oh, well, don't eat it now. You'll spoil your dinner.

Where is Tristram?

Well, why blame him? It could be that Mr. Michael down at your garage.

Well, I've never seen him eating toffee apples.

Well, he probably sees you coming and then hides them in the glove

Right. Where is he? Oh, just a minute, Geoffrey.

Listen, he's a bit upset.

He, uh... Well, he got a black eye at school today.

He got a... a black eye?

In school?

You mean he's been... fighting?

My lad.

Did he put up a good show? You know, win, that sort of thing? No, he lost.

And you know I disapprove of fighting. Who was it?

He wouldn't say.

Right.

Hello there, soldier.

All right?

I've got a black eye.

Yes, yes.

Oh.

Look, I don't want you to feel you've let me down at all by not winning,

I imagine your opponent was what, twice your size?

Probably a council child, wiry and cunning. They develop their reflexes

doing paper rounds.

It was Leslie Wilkinson.

All right, Anne.

Tell you what we do, soldier.

First thing Monday, your mother will go out and buy a pair of boxing gloves.

And hit Leslie Wilkinson? Yes. No, no.

We'll do boxing lessons and you can do it.

You said I shouldn't hit girls.

Girls?

Oh, it's been ages. Well, you're looking very well, Ethel.

Mildred, dear.

Yes. Now, where are the children? Bring them in to see Granny.

You're thinking of Hilda, Mother.

Yes. Well, go on, in you go. There you are.

There we are.

Now, mind the stairs, dear. That's right.

Oh, we have been looking forward to this visit.

George, George wants to say something to you, Mother, don't you, George? Yeah.

Welcome,

Mother -in -law. We hope your stay with us will be a... Pleasant one. It'll be a

pleasant one, yes.

Oh, thank you, Humphrey.

George?

Yes?

George, go and get Mar's bag from the taxi, will you, and pay him. Oh, cool.

sit down, dear. There we are.

Cool. You were lucky, getting a taxi from the station.

Oh, I didn't, dear.

I got one from Dagenham. I can't afford the train.

But it's ever so much more expensive by taxi.

Yes, but I'm free paying for it.

Oh, you've got a Yorkshire terrier. Yes.

Oh, come on.

Oh, love, it's truffled, look. Here, Mildred's got one of them.

Yes, dear, yes.

Um, well, this is knife, mother, yeah. How are you keeping?

Oh, very well.

I've not had a day's illness since that new woman doctor came.

Oh, yeah? Oh, is she good? Oh, no.

I just don't like her.

She hasn't got a man's hands.

Oh, blimey.

You know how much he wanted?

Nearly six quid. And he expected a tip.

Here, look at that. 5p change.

Oh, thank you, George.

Leave it, George.

At least you got the name right.

Right, Chester, here we go.

Lesson one.

Lead with your left.

Like this.

Right, now hit me on the chin.

I can't reach it.

Oh, no.

Well, er...

How about this?

Oh, you'd better take your glasses off.

Then I won't be able to see.

Ah, no.

Well, I'll take my glasses off as well.

Neither of us will be able to see. That's fair.

Anne? Anne?

Yes? Could you take those glasses off before we start, please?

Oh, I bet Ali and Foreman never had this trouble.

Right.

Have you taken his glasses off?

Yes. Good, good. Where are you?

Right,

you ready?

I think so.

No, you're not, Sonny, you see, because your guard's open. Look. You see? You

see? Oh, I can't stand it.

Oh, get that for me, Geoffrey. I've got a pan on.

Oh, Anne, but... Oh.

Can you see my glasses?

No, of course you can't.

Keep your guard up.

It's up.

Is it? Well, keep it up.

Yes, yes, yes, I'm trying to open the... Ah, who is it?

Oh, it's me, Mr Fourmile.

Oh, Mrs Roper.

What can I do for you?

Well, I was wondering if you could possibly fill this for me. Well, I might

able to. What is it?

Well, it's a peppermint.

I've run out of peppercorns, you see, and I thought I might... Ah.

I haven't called it a bad moment, have I? I mean, no, you're not having a

disagreement with Anne.

What? Oh, no, no, no.

She's in the kitchen. Do come in. Oh, sure, thank you. I'll close the door.

There we are.

I'm knitting this for Hilda.

It never fit her.

For the baby.

She's expecting again.

Oh, yeah. Gets pregnant if she shares her husband's bathwater, she does.

Oh, they're lovely kiddies. Got five, she has.

Haven't you ever wanted one, George?

Why, is she giving them away?

I'd like another grandson.

Before I go.

Oh, it's a bit short notice you're only here for a week.

Someone to carry on the family name.

I suppose only Arthur can do that.

Arthur? Who's Arthur?

My eldest.

Oh, you've never met him, have you?

He's in New Zealand.

Oh, yeah, well, that's probably why.

Emigrated.

He's still the bachelor guy, of course.

Oh, well, so much for the family name.

Here we are then.

Dinner's nearly ready, Mother.

I've made you some nice steamed fish in milk.

Oh, I'd rather have a lamb chop.

They smell nice.

Oh, well, you can have mine.

Oh, good thinking, Miltry. And I'll have yours. You can have the fish.

Next you'll be giving away brown ale.

Oh, thank you, George.

Isn't he kind?

Oh, blimey, it's going to be hell of a week, this is.

That's Mother's, George.

And I expect you like the paper, too.

Oh, that's typical, isn't it? For the past week, I've come second in this

household. Third, George, of forgetting the dog.

Waiting on her hand and foot. If she had an itchy nose, you'd sneeze for her.

Well, she needs looking after.

And so do I.

But you're not an old lady, George.

You're a bit of an old woman, but you're not an old lady.

Now, when we see the back of her... Well, don't hold your breath while

waiting, George.

What? because I am seriously thinking of having my mother stay with us

permanently.

Now look here, Mildred, your mother is not living with us. Oh, don't get

yourself in a state, George.

I mean, I know they're a drawback, but there are advantages too.

If she stays, I go.

Yes, that's one of them.

She's got her own home in, in what's name?

Dagenham. If it's good enough for the girl pipers, it's good enough for her.

George, she's all alone there.

I mean, how would you like to be all alone in your old age?

As a matter of fact, that's one of my ambitions.

I see.

You know, George, sometimes you can say the most hurtful things.

Yeah, well, don't turn on the waterworks.

We used to be happy once, George, you and I.

Sometimes.

I mean, what happened to us?

Well, we got married, Mildred.

Yes, but people who get married don't have to hate each other. Well, we don't

hate each other. You speak for yourself.

Don't misunderstand me, dearest. I mean, I've got a lot of affection and respect

for your mother.

I just don't see why we should be lumbered with the old boot.

Why can't one of the others look after her? Because Hilda is expecting us.

so's Ethel, expecting us to lumber ourselves.

Look, your mother is nothing but an old, old... Isn't lunch ready yet?

Gannet, that's the word I was searching for.

George! Gannet?

What's he mean, Gannet?

Oh, well, it's a sort of raincoat, Mother. You see, George was thinking of

buying one.

There's some tea in the pot, if you'd like a cup. Oh, thank you very much.

you are, dear.

You!

I am your husband, Mildred. I do have certain rights.

But it's months since you... Other rights!

Privacy in my own home.

I mean, she's not just our responsibility.

Well, no. I gave you my advice what to do with her at the beginning of the

I am not having her put down.

That's it, soldier. Keep them coming.

Now, don't worry about the fact you're not getting through. It's just I'm

good at it.

And don't forget to use your feet.

You mean I can kick you?

No, no, no, no.

Footwork. That's it. In my case, knee work.

Try and catch me with a guard down.

I'd rather learn kung fu. We are not having any of that foreign rubbish in

house. You learn a good British straight left, you won't have to worry about

being bullied at school.

No, you can be bullied at home instead.

End of round 37.

He's getting rather good at it, Anne.

It's here, Anne, isn't it? Yes.

Actually, you look more attractive without your glasses on.

Yeah, so do you.

Oh, thank you.

You were a really good hard right.

Any more of that and I will.

Well, I wasn't actually talking to you. Zoof!

Sit yourself down. Ethel over there, dear. And Humphrey over there. That's

By the lamp.

George? What?

Oh, yeah.

Anyone care for Sherry? No. No.

Is the Hilda coming to this... Family conference yesterday, she is, yes. What

about Fertile Fred?

Yes, well, her husband will be here too, I think, yes.

George. All right, all right.

It must all be such a rush, Mildred. When you rang, I hadn't even got my face

on. Oh, you should have said, dear.

We could have made it next week.

Well, I've told you what I think you should do with your mother.

Humphrey. Quite right, Ethel. I think we should wait till Hilda gets here before

we start any conference.

Oh, she's here.

Oh, hello, darling.

How are you?

Little thing.

Oh, look at that.

Looks like the opening scene from Macbeth, doesn't it?

All they need is a bubbling cauldron. What was that, Humphrey? Oh, no, I was

just saying, dear, it's been a long time since we had a family get -together

like this, hasn't it, George?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was a good night, though, wasn't it? You know, drinking a

bit of an ease -up.

That's the only time I've ever seen your mother have a really good laugh.

When was that?

My father's funeral.

Oh, yeah.

Is Frederick not with you, dear?

No, he's not. He's a bit tired.

Oh, that's understandable.

He sends his love? Yes, we can see he does.

Well, now that we're all here, now, I want to talk about my... Isn't he ready

yet? Oh, what a surprise.

Oh, Ethel, Hilda, Mildred, Frederick and George.

Yeah, well, I live here.

see me?

Yes, Mother, now, isn't that nice?

And now that they have all seen you, George is going to take you down the pub

for a little drink.

Am I?

Is he?

You can't blame him, Geoffrey. You did ask him to try and hit you.

Not when I wasn't looking.

Um, how is it?

Well,

it's, um, oh, you look like half a panda.

So nice to see all the family together again.

Is Arthur coming?

Who? Oh, no. Not all the way from Newfoundland.

New Zealand?

Yeah, well, it's the same place.

No, no, there's a bus stripe on, see.

Right, well, sit down. What are you drinking?

Hear the comments now.

You know what people will think, don't you? No.

Oh, evening, sir.

Oh,

God. She's been bashing you about, you see.

That's what people will think.

Oh, clocked in with her rolling pin, did you?

What, not out with the lads? Mr Roper.

It's all right, son. I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, we all

our little tips.

I should tell people that lad of yours did it. He did. Ah, yeah, that's the

I can't take her.

Oh, I can see your point about leaving her on her own, but, well, there's not a

lot of space in our house.

I mean, Frederick needs a room of his own.

He's left it a bit late for that, hasn't he?

To study.

He wants to be a producer.

Looks like he's doing all right.

Now,

I, too, would be only too happy to have Mother come and live with us.

But... But the one spare room we have, we've had plans drawn up to turn it into

a... Billion room. Sauna bar.

Come, billiard room.

Well, what about you?

George says he's going to leave if Mother comes here. Oh, good, then you'll

plenty of room. All right. Come on, come on, come on. Now, look here, let's be

reasonable about this.

Now, why don't we put her into the by -the -wee home for retired gentlefolk?

I mean, the walls must be ten feet high. She'd never get out.

Push her into a home.

You're trying to push her into mine?

Oh, look, you've got a great big house, a great big swimming pool. Yeah, I

wouldn't mind pushing her into that.

This is our mother we're talking about.

She's given us the best years of her life.

I mean, here we all are, trying to palm her off onto someone else. Well, I don't

know how you feel about it, but I feel ashamed.

So you'll take her? No, I won't. You take her.

Yeah, well, this is a bundle of fun, isn't it?

Do you want a game of football?

We haven't got a ball.

No, no, on the machine.

Oh, forget it.

Do you fancy a packet of crisps?

Oh, yes, please.

Yeah, well, get me one while you're up there.

My legs aren't what they were, you know.

I'm not long for this world.

Oh, but you've got time to get a packet of crisps, don't you?

I've had a good life, though.

Seen all my daughters, happily married.

Apart from Mildred, of course.

Eh?

The world of me, they do.

Oh, do they?

They're having a barney at this moment about which one of them gets stuck with

you. Oh?

Well, I mean, you're getting a bit past it, aren't you?

I mean, look at last Tuesday when you couldn't get out of the bath and I had

help you. I did not enjoy that.

It didn't do very much for me either.

That's for getting stuck with me. They needn't bother.

I'm going to a far better place.

Yes, but that might not be for years.

New Zealand.

Oh, I see. Where?

My eldest, Arthur.

Now, where's that last letter of his?

There.

There. He's asked me to go and live with him.

And he sent me the tickets, and I've accepted.

Well, why didn't you mention it?

Well, I thought the girls would be so upset.

Upset? They'd be thrilled to bits. Well, they're upset as well, yeah.

I'm going to have my own room, and he says I can help him brand the sheep.

When?

Whenever they need branding.

No, no, no. When are you going?

Oh. On the 15th. 15th? Well, that's only a couple of days.

Yes.

Here, let's go back and break the good news. Yeah, I mean, prepare them for the

sad party. I haven't finished my drink.

Oh, all right.

Hey, son.

Keep an eye on the old lady, will you? What?

The good eye.

No, I've just got to pop back and... Oh, this is Geoffrey... What's his name?

He's a friend of mine.

Oh, here. Here, get you a packet of crisps.

Uh, hello.

You ought to learn to defend yourself, young man.

Why don't you take up boxing?

We could draw straws.

I saw it in a film once.

Somebody had to jump out of the lifeboat. Eh?

Kirk Douglas drew the short straw.

Oh, well, that settles it. She can go and live with him.

Oh. That is just like you, isn't it? What are you talking about? Look here,

do more than a lot of people do for your mother.

Please. That's better.

Perhaps I could put in a word. Thank you.

I've listened, more in sorrow than in anger, to this sad,

sad spectacle of a family divided against itself.

Oh, God, he's drunk.

I am not drunk.

I am sick.

Sick at heart to think that you, all of you, could turn away this...

Poor old lady in the twilight of her years.

Please, there is more to life than material possessions, such as swimming

and kids.

There is charity and love and the pursuit of happiness.

I hold these truths to be self -evident.

Never in the field of human investment.

Well, what I'm saying is that I'm willing to welcome my mother -in -law to

humble home for as long as she wishes to stay.

George!

Yeah, well, I'll go and get your coat.

Stole.

Allow me.

She hasn't got any money, you know.

What care I for wealth?

Oh.

Yeah, go and get the coat, then.

George.

George, I'm so proud of you.

Yes, well, it might not be for long, Mildred.

And it was one in the eye for that lot, eh?

Well, well done, George.

Of course, I must say, you'd never have had this trouble in the first place if

she'd gone to live with your Arthur in New Zealand.

No, that's right, yeah.

What was that, Mildred?

Arthur. Oh, he sent her the tickets and everything.

Oh, she was all set to go and then he died.

1950,

that was.

And do you know she's been carrying his letters around with her ever since? Poor

old soul.

Oh, my God.