Original subtitles

Oh, I love you.

Oh, here. I see Lady Mountbank has had a Knightsbridge flat gun over by David

Hick. Oh, don't worry. The police are getting for it.

Where's the pickles?

Decorated, George.

Oh, look at it. That lovely washed Chinese carpet on the wall.

On the walls?

What's he put on the floor? Oil paintings?

Oh, and a completely circular bath.

Hmm. Not sure I'd like that.

Well, you'd spend hours chasing the soap.

Yeah. And you wouldn't know which end to get in.

Have we got any beer, Ruth? Oh,

and a bedroom look.

Oh. Little fleur -de -lis all over the ceiling.

Oh, well, you get those if you leave the window open.

Where did you get that rubbish from? The dentist gave it to me.

Well, he left it in his waiting room for me.

Look, George, now, that is how I'd like our lounge done out.

What, with a bog in the middle?

The other page.

Oh, oh, yeah, very nice, very nice. Yeah.

Oh, plain magnolia walls.

Those lovely velvet curtains.

We should not... George?

George?

You left me before I finished, George.

You're making a habit of doing that.

Well, well, wacky races he's on, Mildred. Leave it, George.

You can do without dastardly and muckly for once.

Promises are made to be kept.

And I promised myself you're going to decorate this lounge.

Now, look here, Mildred, I intend to enjoy my holiday.

Here, I've drawn up a detailed itinerant.

I've drawn up a plan.

What plan?

Well, after Wacky Races, there's the World of Sport, then there's the Woody

Woodpecker Show.

George! George, you cannot watch television for a whole week.

I mean, you'll go blind.

I thought that was when you... No, that's television.

used to do before you got it?

Well, I used to watch the radio. Oh.

Now, look, George, this is the colour I want. Look, magnolia. Well, that's

cream. It's magnolia, George, and I think two coats would do... Cream.

It's magnolia, George, and two coats would do very nicely.

What did you say?

Magnolia.

Can I turn the telly on now? Yeah.

Now,

think about it, Mildred.

That's all I'm going to do.

Oh, blimey, the picture's gone now.

Oh, George.

What a shame.

Oh, ivory.

Ivory would be nice.

I just think of it, Anne, the mitt clearing off the river, four -mile fancy

flicking across the water.

Oh, it hardly seems fair.

Someone should go to Scotland and warn the salmon I'm coming.

I think it's a bit cruel catching fish.

Well, you never said that before.

You never caught any.

What are Tristram and I supposed to do while you're out there flicking your

fancy? Well, you'll be tying up my flies.

Well, I might as well.

Last year I hardly saw you, but for the whole week... What, last year?

Do you remember that one I nearly caught?

Made Moby Dick look like a sardine.

Shall I pack your underpants or are you going native?

Eh? You know, just... a kilt and a stiff upper lip. Oh, not likely.

I've seen the height of the thistles up there.

Yeah, there was a sort of low hum, a crackle, a quick flash of Penelope

then nothing.

I'll go there, cut the kicks in the thump.

Yeah, well, we've recently introduced even more sophisticated methods than

How old is this thing?

Oh, well, about 20 years.

They don't build them to last, do they?

It is electric, I suppose. I mean, it's not run on gas or paraffin, is it?

No. No?

Blimey, look who's in here. Gilbert Hardin.

Here we are.

Do you take sugar?

Well, only if it's in tea or something. Yes, Tom.

Well,

Tom. Will it live?

It's hard to tell.

Oh, it's all those years of crossroads.

It's perhaps the will to survive.

It's like the government.

Bloody big cabinet and nothing works.

I'll have to take you back to the shop.

It'll be a week, mind.

Oh, no.

Oh, sure.

We'll have to entertain ourselves in the old -fashioned way.

Not while I'm on holiday, Mildred.

What's wrong with it? I don't know. It might be pregnant.

It's big enough.

Oh, just think, George.

You could be the proud father of a little black -and -white portable.

Oh, you don't care, do you? What am I going to do all next week?

Oh, primrose.

I mean, primrose would go over the carpet.

Let me see.

The gas is off, the paper's cancelled, the milk... Ah, who's watering the

plants? Mrs Roper. Oh, I must give them the key.

You mean they'll actually be allowed in here while we're away?

No, I thought she could do it with a water pistol through the letterbox.

Actually,

I think he's on holiday too. He'll be home all next week. I know, I know he

Why do you think I chose this week to go away?

Oh, I'll drive the first 100 miles, then you take the wheel. But you'll still be

driving? Absolutely.

Have you entered Tristram? Yes.

Good, good. Then we may as well go home.

Yes, that's the one with the kitchen sink in. Yes, I believe you.

Oh, do you think I ought to take somebody to Scotland to bring back my

No, I think they sell jam jars in Scotland.

Check the back door, Anne.

Danny!

It's just... Hang on.

What is it?

All my toys want to come with us. I've told you, Tristram, one toy only.

I can't bring my mind up. You pick one.

That one.

What's wrong with this one?

All right, that one.

I'll take this one. Oh, good heavens.

Anne, out of this lot, which one do you want to take?

Uh, Tristram.

His toys.

He wants to bring all his toys.

Well, why not?

You're taking all yours.

A whole week?

How would it be if I slipped a fibre in your pocket?

Oh, well, that's different.

Oh, yeah? How long would it take then? Seven days. Oh, good.

Well, what's different about that?

Oh, well, I'd be working with a fibre in me pocket then, wouldn't I?

Yeah, but I'll be... Oh, God.

I'll have to go to bed early every night. Take as long as you like, love.

to each other, George. I could tell you what's been happening over the last 20

years. I wish he had an on and off switch.

Is it really going to be a week?

Look, you can come and visit or send a get well card.

It'll be like losing a friend.

I'm going to take it out now.

No, don't look round.

Best you remember it as it was.

Come on in, love.

Have you got time for a cuppa? Not really, Mildred. We're rushing a bit.

Oh, well, give my love to the Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, I will. He's loading up the car. Oh.

There's just one more thing, Mildred. Yeah. When I water the plants, I

talk to them. Yeah.

You're barmy.

No, no, no. It's when they start talking back, you're barmy.

Ah, I think that's Morse code for something rude. I'd better go. All

love. Say goodbye, George.

Barmy. Oh, God.

You must excuse him. He's in mourning.

Your television set's just died. Well, you're welcome to go in and watch out,

Mildred. Oh, no, no, no, shh.

It's the first week I've had him to myself since the opening night of ITV.

Have a good week.

Thank you.

I'd be starting just now.

Hudson would be saying, come along, Ruby.

Lift sharp.

Put your money in trusty saving bank rules.

Heaven's sake, George.

I've sat here the entire evening listening to impersonating Amy Turtle,

Frank Spencer, and they all sound exactly the same.

Yeah, well, I miss it, Mildred.

Oh, yeah. Who's this?

I don't know.

Only wise on a windy day.

For heaven's sake, George, stop talking about the television.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I mean, let's talk, George. Or play a game of cards.

Or have an early night.

Let's talk or have a game of cards.

Yeah, poker.

Now, that's a good game. All right, then. As long as you promise not to

No.

You spoil everything you do.

Well, I wouldn't mind if you were subtle about it.

But you bite the corners off the aces.

All right, all right, we'll talk.

What do you want to talk about?

Decorating.

I'm not going to do it. Right, so much for that. You pick a subject.

Yeah, right.

Do you think Elsie Tanner will ever get married again?

Oh, for God's sake, George, go next door and put on their set. Watch that one.

Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of that.

Oh, uh, hello?

Is that, um, oh, uh, Farrell and Lyons decorators, prompt and efficient

estimates free?

Yes, speaking.

Oh, um, I'd like a job doing.

My husband can't manage it, so I thought I'd try you.

Hang about. This could be an obscene phone call.

It's just that I want my Lyons decorating.

Magnolia. And I want it done as soon as possible.

I'll raise you a quid.

Uh, well, I don't know about that, madam. I have got a full house. Um...

Schedule. All yours.

Ah. However, let me just have a look in my diary.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well.

We can't let Sir Charles down, can we?

Ah, you're in luck.

I've just had a cancellation.

I can just fit you in this afternoon.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, you only had a pair of jacks. Yeah, I know.

Roundhouse.

Roundhouse here.

Oi, come on.

Hey, get off.

That's all you think about, isn't it? Food and whittling.

Have a good mind to it.

Oh, there's a nice dog in here.

It's all settled, George.

The man's coming round to give us an estimate this afternoon.

Who, David Hicks? The decorator.

And they can start straight away.

Oh, right. Well, I'll be next door.

There's cartoons on, in colour.

George, you spent all... Weak next door. We've hardly spoken to each other.

No. It's nice, isn't it?

There are bones inside him, you know.

You can go for them if you like.

Oh, go away.

Oh, go.

Oh, go on. That concludes our presentation, children.

Next time, we'll be making some next time, starting with the wonderful play.

Hang on, I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, we are honoured. What happened? Did the set burst into flames?

No, I ran out of beer.

Where do you spot it?

You're like a sponge on legs.

Your lunch is nearly ready.

Hey, what is it?

Deviled fish fingers.

Oh, I'm not hungry. Besides, they're racing on. Look, George, I warn you. If

aren't here when I put this on, the dog's going to get it. Oh, serves it

Mr Roper. Yes, that's me.

Farrell and Lyons.

Decorators. Oh, yeah. I'm in a hurry. There's a race on the box, you see.

But you said you wanted an estimate.

I do, but it's just started and I've got a bet on.

Yeah, roll up a cumulator. Six horses.

All it needs is for this one to win.

Oh, and the other five, of course.

Yeah. Lucky George, his name is.

It's a gelding. Oh, it seemed an omen.

The name, I mean.

Now then, your wife said you want your lounge done in magnolia.

Cream? Yes, cream. Or magnolia.

Oh, now, let's see.

Oh, it's not a very big job, is it? Hey, hey, look, that's him. Number seven.

She's on the rails.

Don't involve the large and crazy white class, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on. You're the wit. Oh, I say we could do

lot for, oh, 35 quid? Two coats, mate. Hey, look, he's taking the lead.

Yeah, right.

We'll bring our gear in through the back door. Let's take tramping over your

whole carpets.

Oh, that's not fair. They're passing him.

Okay, Dave.

You bring the round round the back. I'll open the back door.

Oh, look at that, you stupid cart horse.

He's going backwards.

Come on, come on. Use the whip, use the whip.

Oh, blimey.

Did you see that?

Hard enough, he'd have done better than me.

Oh, well.

They want to boil him down for glue.

Yeah. Oh, blimey.

Food, glory of food.

Melty, where's the bottle opener? Sit down, your lunch is nearly ready.

Oh, yeah, but there's racing on. Right.

Now, you've never had anything like this before, George?

That is a cordon bleu dish.

It should be made with freshly caught river trout.

But the supermarket had a special offer on of fish fingers.

Well? Yeah, it's up to your usual standard, Mildred. Oh.

Unfortunately.

What for afters? Oh.

Come on, then.

I think we're going to have to disturb you a bit, Cub.

Oh. Maybe he's gone to collect his winnings. What on that whole... I could

that with John Rickman on my back. Well... Sooner we start, sooner we

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh, you don't know what you're making, George.

That dessert is really delicious.

Yeah, well, I don't like it, Mildred. Goodsbury twit.

Fool.

Well, there's no call for that.

Goodsbury fool.

Yeah, well, anyway, can I go next door and watch the telly? No, you cannot.

I want you to have a word with the decorators. I've already had one word.

About an hour ago. They're bringing their stuff round the back.

Well, they're taking their time about it. Where did you see them?

Oh, outside.

Then they came into the... Oh, my God.

What, George?

Nothing, nothing, Milted. I'll see you later.

Well,

I think they're daft, myself.

A pricey wallpaper like this, and they want a plain...

Cream. Well, whatever.

Lucky hell.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Hey, stick it back up again.

What? It's the wrong room.

It's the wrong house. You should be number 46.

No, no, this is 46.

Look, it says it there. Yeah, I know what it says down there. Oh, God, you

stupid bird.

Oh, just a minute, squire. Stupid.

Oh, come on, come on.

Oh, for heaven.

Hey.

Mildred. Shh, George.

I'm trying to get on to the decorators.

They don't seem to be there.

No, they're here.

What? Yeah, well, they were, but they walked off.

Why? Well, on account of the names I called them.

Well, they were very quick to take offence, especially when I said I

pay them.

What for? They haven't done anything yet.

Oh, yeah, well, they have.

Next door.

Perhaps if we put the furniture back, they wouldn't notice.

They'll notice.

Yeah, well, we could say a burglar done it, like on that commercial.

Phone the decorators.

Oh, I don't think they would come, not after what I said about his father.

Right, then you're going to have to do it. And before the four -mile, get back.

Me?

Good afternoon, Lockside Hotel.

You're not even trying to enjoy yourself.

I am, Geoffrey. It's just that I've got to have the same sort of holiday,

standing in the shower for a week.

Well, Tristram's enjoying himself.

Tristram? Tristram?

He's probably hiding under the bed again.

Well, go and get him. It's his holiday as well.

Paul, there's a call for you. It's from abroad.

London.

Hello? Hello, son.

It's me, George.

George?

Well, it's going well.

Isn't it costing you rather a lot of money to phone and ask me?

Well, not really. I'm using your phone.

Son, that stuff that's on the walls in your lounge, what's it called?

Wallpaper.

Yeah, I know, I know, yeah, but what's it called?

Why?

Oh, well, no, it's nice, that's all. I like it. Give it to me. Don't let me

speak to him.

Mr Fourmile, how's your holiday going?

It's still going well.

Good.

About the wallpaper.

Look, look, look. Can we discuss it tomorrow when I get back? Oh, no.

No, not really.

Well, I got it in Wilson's on the high street. It cost about £6 .50 a roll.

Oh, I say, that is expensive.

Well, I could afford it then. I didn't have such big telephone bills.

No?

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, goodbye.

George.

Wilsons, in the high road. Get going.

It's nice to be home.

Oh, don't feel too badly, Geoffrey. I can always buy a tin of salmon.

I might wish you if you want, Daddy. No, thank you.

Oh, good morning.

Morning.

We're in there watering the plants.

We? Yes, George is in there watering the plants.

Did you have a nice holiday?

You mean since you phoned yesterday to ask?

Yes.

Haven't you got any snapshots?

Oh, oh, well, you caught a fish.

George and I have been keeping an eye on the place while you've been away,

haven't we, George?

Yeah, morning, sir.

Here, we've just come in to wallpaper the plants. Water.

Yeah,

everything since you left it.

Very kind.

Mummy. Daddy.

The paper's upside down. Don't be so silly.

It is.

Oh, George.

I can explain.

It is upside down.

when I tell you.