Original subtitles

Ah, seven years old, Mildred. Seems like only yesterday was a five -minute

contraction.

Oh, well, the years seem to fly past when you're over 30. Do they really?

So I'm told.

Oh, am I kidding? Yes, they do.

Will he like this cake?

Oh, of course he will.

Oh, when I was his age, I was lucky if I got a biscuit with happy birthday

penciled on it.

And I never got what I asked for. What did you ask for?

Oh, you know...

Clark Gable to Rome. Oh, Tristram's easy. He's after an action man with

hands.

Aren't we all?

Oh, Mildred. Oh, excuse me, it's morning.

Morning. Mildred, I can't find my braces.

They're hanging down the back of your trousers.

Yeah, hey? Oh, yes, they are.

What a damn silly place to leave them.

Oh, Mildred, have you been using my razor on your legs?

Certainly not.

It's a bit blunt. I'll nick my throat.

Trust you not to do the job properly.

I don't see the point in getting tarty up just to go to a pub.

George, I want us to look nice.

All right, all right.

I'll blanco me Yankee.

We're going to have lunch at that nice little pub, you know, on the green. The

Genevieve. Oh, yes, Geoffrey goes there. It's a bit snobby. They have draught,

gin and tonic.

Well, it's better than the pub George likes.

I mean, if the glasses aren't filthy, the landlord's queer.

Well, I think I'd better go and see what... Oh, Mildred, keep him busy while

hide the cake. Right.

Mummy!

Oh, hello.

Hello. I was teaching Pennypin to swim, and he's gone all soggy.

Oh, what is it?

I'm going to put him in the oven. No, not just now. Why don't we go and sit

down?

There we are, then.

That's it.

I hear you're having a party tomorrow.

Yes, I'll be seven.

I won't be allowed to go to Mummy's bed anymore.

Oh, dear.

Not fair. See, that's Darian. And she's older than I am.

Yes, love. Well, you see, but... Oh, good.

I'm afraid he's wet his paddington. Oh, not again.

Oh, that!

I dropped your hairdryer, but it went bang.

What? Yes, dear. Well, I think I'll leave you to it.

I'd had quite a few, of course.

Staggering a bit, but perfectly fit to drive.

Yes. Got the car keys out, all set to drive.

The chap comes up to the window.

One of the laddies in blue.

Excuse me, sir, he said.

I'd rather you didn't drive off.

Oh, I said. Why not?

Because, he said, you're sitting in my panda car.

Oh, jolly good.

Say it again all round, please.

I'd rather go to the pig and welly, Mildred. They have a drag act on a

Oh.

We're coming here.

And look, I want to create a good impression, so stay in the background.

Look. It's Mr. Formile.

Coulee. Oh, good God.

Friends of yours? No, neighbours. Just neighbours.

Excuse me. Oh, Mr.

Formile. Fantastic seeing you here. Hello.

Hello. And all your friends, too.

Yes. Well, Peter.

Peter Foulkes.

One larger from one small one.

Really? Oh.

George Roper, perfectly normal in every way.

This is Nigel, Charles.

Oh, you remember Bunny?

This is Mrs Roper and him.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yeah, I'll have a pint of brown ale and she'll have a port and lemon.

Ah, yes. Sydney?

Here we go, then. Have a few.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

Roper. Oh.

Tell me, are you by any chance related to the Oxford row?

No. Are you by any chance related to the folks who live on the hill?

I thought we might get in a spot of golf this afternoon.

Oh,

George, golf.

Oh, George has always wanted to learn golf.

Yeah, I don't mind.

I'll have to borrow a club or someone.

Members only, I'm afraid. Sorry.

There is very good crazy golf in the park.

They let anyone in.

Oh, look.

What's this stuff?

That is real ale from the wood. Of course, it tastes like Natchwater.

I'm here.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's not fair, is it, dressing up as a customer?

The weather.

What? The weather.

Are you by any means interested in the weather?

Well, yes. Oh, good.

You see, because I think when there's weather around, well, you can do

can't you? I mean, you can...

You can mow lawns. Well, I can't. Your husband borrowed my lawnmower three

ago. Ah, yeah, well, that's Mildred, you see. She said before I give it back, I

ought to get it repaired.

Repaired? Ah, yeah, well, you see, I ran it over your lawn sprinkler.

Oh, I borrowed that as well.

Oh, what a lot of toffee -nosed lard he does, Mildred.

They spurned their noses up at me.

And do you wonder, juggling with your pickled onion?

I thought nobody would talk to me, Mildred.

I'm not surprised, after you told that joke about the nun and the banana.

I did think that a bit. The original version was... I know what the original

version was, George. I heard you telling the vicar.

Yeah, well, he laughed.

Well, he didn't understand it.

Come to that, I'm not sure I do.

Ah, well, there you are, you see, there was this nun.

Yeah, well, thank you very much, George. That is quite enough.

I don't know why I bother. I really don't.

Yeah, well, next time we'll go... Hey, look at Gordon, how did he go?

He's going up and down like he's on a trampoline.

Oh, George, they wouldn't let him read the news on a trampoline.

He's going up and down like a basketball.

It's the aerial.

There's nothing wrong with the aerial. No, it's the man that put it up.

He's an idiot.

I put it up.

I rest my case.

Well, I think one of us should go in the room and fix it. No, George.

I think that I ought to get a man in to do it properly.

I've been thinking so for some time.

Well, it costs money, Mildred. I'll do it. No, you haven't got a ladder.

That's all right. Our bar is next door.

What time tomorrow will I be seven?

Um, let me see. You were born at exactly 2 .30. You were four days late.

I probably couldn't find my shoes.

That may have been it, dear, yes.

Will I ever be very, very old like you?

Not if you keep asking questions like that.

All the people, all the decent, normal people who might have moved in next

I have to get a pickled onion juggler.

What?

Nuns, bananas, brown ale.

Oh, Mr Roper. Yes, I can't stand the man.

Then why did you land in your ladder?

What? I saw the business at our garage, just now. Without asking, right.

Enough is enough.

You had sprained your wrist and broken your leg.

Well, you will climb down ladders that aren't there.

Well, it was there when I went up.

Will he live, then?

Is it worth chatting to him? He's only in for observation. He'll be out

tomorrow.

I'll bring Mrs Roper in now.

She's very worried, so try and cheer her up.

Oh, blimey. What about me?

I'm the one who needs cheering up.

This. It's the worst hospital in the country for broken limbs, you know.

You are?

Well, half the surgeons are straight off the banana boat.

The other half are the ones who weren't good enough to emigrate.

Well, there's only civil factor.

Oh, you'll be lucky if you're not dot and carry for the rest of your life.

I mean, take me.

Half my natural functions are being performed by bits of plastic.

Really?

If I was to open my dressing gown, you'd faint.

George, love.

Oh, how are you?

Oh, not so good, Mildred.

Oh, this is Mr... Jolly.

Fred Jolly.

Oh, how do you do?

Well, I'll leave you to chat now, while you still can.

I've just had a word with the doctor, George. He said nothing important has

damaged. Nothing important?

No. You were lucky. Your leg broke your fall.

Here's Mr. Fourmile, George. Now, he's very worried, so do your best to cheer

him up. Oh, it's true.

Hello there.

How are you feeling?

Yeah, well, might you ask?

Attempted murder, that's what it was.

I wouldn't have moved the ladder if I'd known you were up there. Oh, Mr.

Fourmile, you mustn't blame yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, he must. It was his fault.

And you ruined my aerial.

Actually, no. It was my area you pulled down.

But I don't want you feeling badly about it.

Oh, I bloody don't.

Excuse me.

I suppose you do realise that you can sue?

I don't think he wants to know anything about it.

Yes,

I do. Go on.

Well, I mean, there's loss of earnings, pain and suffering, mental distress.

You could sue him for every penny he's got.

Can I really?

They were great.

Oh, good morning, madam.

One husband. Will you accept delivery?

Yes, of course.

There we are. Wipe your foot, George.

That's it.

Come to me for the man, will you?

I can manage him, Arthur. He's only a little one. All right, all right. Don't

rush me.

Now, come along, George.

No, no, no. Mind the stairs.

I've just vacuum cleaned.

He hasn't been in any trouble, has he? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, no, no

trouble. Mind you, it wasn't a lot of help for us. We were changing the

but still.

Where do you want him? Oh, in the wheelchair, please. Right. In you go,

Einstein.

John, you seem to find all this highly amusing.

I am in pain, you know, pain.

So am I. You're on me foot.

Would you and your friends, would you like to have a little drink on me? Don't

tip him. He's on the National Health.

Very generous of you.

Well, fairly generous.

I'll see myself out.

Right. Well, now, George, you all right?

Yeah. Is there anything I can do for you?

Oh, yeah, there is one thing you can do, Milt. You know the bloke in the next

bed to me in hospital?

Yeah. Yeah, well, he wrote something on the end of me foot, but he wouldn't tell

me what it was.

Oh, well, I can easily see what that is for you.

I see.

Yeah, well, the nurses wouldn't tell me what it was either.

It's the sort of...

Limerick, George.

And not nice.

With the matron's name really, Tucker.

Well, but it isn't even true.

I forbid you to look at it, George. How can I look at it?

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Fulmire.

Do come in, please. I saw the ambulance and I thought, well...

A bottle of champagne would cheer up our invalid.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm not sure I should accept that. It might prejudice the

Should I decide to sue you for every penny you cost?

George, it's just a little joke.

Yes, yes.

A wheelchair all right, is it? I hired it for you from the WVS. They do all

sorts. Wheelchairs, bicycles.

I thought a wheelchair was best at first, but... Should you want a bicycle

later? Yeah, yeah, it might come in handy for getting to and from the court.

A glass of champagne, eh? Oh, may I?

This will soon cheer you up.

Good Lord.

Oh, no, not for me, dear. I promised Anne I'd pop back and, you know, give

hand with the kiddies. Oh, sorry.

Hey, what about me?

Oh, don't be silly, George. You can't help with a leg like that.

Right.

Right.

What shall we drink to, then?

British justice. No, no.

How about... Oh, yes.

The Athletic Matron Tucker, eh?

That's insane, that rhyme.

Well, didn't you write it? How could I write it? I'm not a contortionist.

Oh, no.

She is, but you're not.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yeah, I'd like to see the racing at Newmarket.

Well, that's 60 miles away. No, no, no, it's on television.

26 -inch screen in colour.

Well, it is in your house.

Oh, yes.

Did you get that outfit for your birthday?

Yes. I'm supposed to be the low ranger, only I can't get the mask on over my

glasses. He had his father dressed as Tonto with a feather duster stuck down

back of his shirt. Oh, fun and games.

I was the rancher's daughter, kidnapped.

We tied her to a tree.

Hands and feet, and that's how the milkman found me. Can you imagine?

Yes,

I can.

I suppose it's working. The telly on me?

Oh, yes. I had the aerial fixed.

Cost me £20.

Oh, yeah, well, I'll knock it off the damages if I decide to sue.

It's on ITV.

ITV?

Well, I don't think the second... ITV.

That's it.

I should mention that my wife and I are planning on having several children.

Oh, you carry on. I'll watch the telly.

It's a birthday party for Tristram. Ah, it's all right. It won't bother me. So

long as they keep quiet.

Oh, hello, Mr Roper.

How's the leg?

Oh, broken.

Apart from that, I mean. Oh, apart from that, it's never been better. Good. Oh,

charm.

Actually, they were... No, no, leave him, Anne.

Have a balloon as well, shall I?

Oh, I'll get it. Oh,

hello there.

It's Brian and Joanne, isn't it? Yes.

This is for Tristan. It costs £1 .50 and I don't like jelly.

Bye.

Isn't it nice seeing them enjoying themselves?

There goes one of your answers. Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Stop that, Roger.

Oh,

so far, so good.

Only two tantrums and one case of wet trouser throw of excitement.

I do hope it wasn't George.

Is he spoiling their fun in there? No, they're spoiling his.

I think I'll organize a few party games in a minute. Oh, no, you won't,

Geoffrey. I know your party games.

That's how we got Tristram in the first place.

I think I'll give a prize to the first one that wants to go home. Oh, Geoffrey,

they're nice little children. Now get back in there before they destroy the

play. No, come on, I'll go, love. Hold it.

You'll need a drink first.

Give me the rest, will you? Tell me, I'm trying to watch the telly.

Do you mind?

Can I give you a leg back?

What? Can you get me a leg back or a leg with your body?

I've still got the old leg. It's in there.

Why don't you jump off the roof?

I didn't jump off the roof. I'm trying to watch the race. All right, all right,

David. Come on now. We're going to play a game.

Right.

There we are.

Oi!

You haven't got a party hat on. There we are. Look at that.

He's got words written on his foot. Let me see. No, no, no.

Now, what sort of game shall we play?

Let's play a kissing game.

No. It's my birthday.

Let's play pass the party.

Oh, what a good idea.

All right, then everybody get round in a circle. Come on, that's it. You can't

get the party.

That's it. There we are.

There, you sit down.

Matthew, Matthew, leave the kung fu till later, do you?

There.

Well, I see you're entering into the spirit of things. Yeah.

How long's this going on for?

Well, do you remember what it was like when you were a child?

I didn't have parties on my birthday. I thought I'd treat my dad when he used

the buckle end of his belt.

There, here, and I did it. Oh, right there.

I'll tell you something. Here, hang on. I'd let go, wouldn't I?

No.

Here, how about taking me for a pint? That's the most sensible suggestion I've

heard today. Come on.

Hey!

There I was,

tooling up the M4, keep it down to about 80.

Well, it was a bit foggy. Best to keep on the safe side, yes. Hear the bell,

the blue light close behind.

For right, tally -ho!

Down the service road, quick you turn, up 3B143. Hello, Geoffrey.

Hello, Peter.

Sorry about... Ah, perfectly all right.

Well, hello again. You're not looking too well, are you?

Won't be juggling any pickled onions today, what?

Ah,

you see, mental distress.

The brewery would take a dim viewer. That should I decide to do.

Yeah, a large one.

Ah, yes.

Two large Scottish people, didn't they? There was a young matron named Tucker. I

shouldn't bother for that one.

It's a joke.

Oh, hey, yeah, hey, talking about joke.

Did I ever tell you the one about... If you'll excuse me, the brewery's

delivering today.

Oh, yeah, before you go, will you get me an ounce of rough shag and some fan

papers?

You don't serve that sort of thing, Hal. Yes, at the back, and it's at the top

of the hill.

At the top of the hill? Oh, yeah, right, yeah. Well, when we've had a drink,

then another one. You can push me up there, right?

Oh, come on, son, get a move on.

Look at how conditioned you are.

You don't hear me puffing and panting.

Right. What, uh... What do you want? One ounce of rough shag and some bagpapers.

I'll give you the money later.

Yes. If I remember.

I was over there, Sidney.

Are

you all

right? Two Fs? What's going on?

You see, I must say, in the first place, I do feel, in some small way, that it

was partly my fault.

Well, I'll never live it down.

Pranked by a wee... Well, if it'll be of any help, I won't let George come into

your pub anymore.

It'll make me feel better. Oh, good. Well, looking on the bright side, I

even scratched.

How do you do?

I suppose you do realise that you could sue him for every penny he's got.

I hadn't thought of that.

Oh, my God.