Original subtitles

Oh, there, there, there.

Did you have to spend the night all alone in your little basket? Never mind,

dear. Tonight you should sleep in our bed.

And if Uncle George doesn't like it, Uncle George can sleep in the basket.

Oh, go on.

Kill.

Not now, Mildred.

Stop it.

I'll go and kill.

Oh, she loves... She likes you, George.

God knows why, but she does.

Well, it's unhygienic, Mildred.

I could get Arpad or something.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Come on, Truffles, you leave them alone.

Oh, come on, Truffles.

If a sissy named that, you should have called her Fang or Satan.

I was thinking of calling her Rags, after my wardrobe.

I don't like her coming in our bedroom, Mildred. Why not?

Well, I mean, I might have been in the mood to, you know, you and me.

Well, I couldn't good after the dog on the bench.

I'll take you straight down. Hang on.

I didn't say I was in the mood. I said if I was and I'm not. Oh,

please him.

Hey, where's my tea and toast?

The toast is in the bread bin, George. The tea's in the caddy. Oh, I see.

Come on then, Truffles.

Beg.

Can't I have some of yours?

Well, of course you can if you like, George.

after breakfast, we might go to the park.

Oh, what a good idea, Anne. Well, thank you, Geoffrey. And what do you think,

Tristan? Oh, yes, Mummy.

Good. Well, that's what we'll do then.

You're a wonderful mum, Anne. Well, thank you, Geoffrey.

Why are you talking to yourself?

Just to make sure I haven't gone deaf.

I know you're both there. I can see your knuckles.

Very well. If you want to chat, we'll chat. Tristan, put your comic down. Your

mother wants to chat.

Off you go, Anne.

interesting in the paper?

I don't know.

I'm not reading it. I'm chatting.

Can I have a dog? No.

Mrs Roper's got a dog.

Mrs Roper's also got a bald -headed loony with a ginger moustache. Do you

one of them? Yes.

We had this all day yesterday.

Can I have a dog? Can I have a dog?

So I could when I was older. So?

I'm old enough.

You've already got a goldfish. You can't throw sticks for a goldfish.

Well, you can, but it won't bring them back.

Is it my fault if he hasn't trained it properly?

Why couldn't you bring me some breakfast in bed?

I wasn't in the mood, George.

You know how it is. I mean, sometimes one just isn't in the mood.

Isn't that right?

I've got a thing for me supper, have I? It's breakfast, George.

And thinging isn't involved.

I'd get better treatment if I had a cold nose and dropped hairs all over the

place. You have and you do.

It's not for the household that thing has.

I only have a chance to read the newspaper which whisked away from me and

on the floor.

I have to do the crossword on my hands and knees.

Well, George, she's got to be house -trained.

She is house -trained. She does it all over the house.

Now, look.

You've reminded her. What?

Look, she's got that sort of look in her eye.

You take her out to the garden, George.

Quickly. All Tristan wants is a dog. You might like it. It might bite

Mr Roper.

Ah.

No, no, you can't tempt me, Anne.

Do you know how much a pedigree dog would cost?

It doesn't have to have a pedigree, as long as it whoops at one end and wags at

the other.

No, no, I'm sorry. You could teach it to snarl at Michael Foot when he comes on

the television.

No, no, no, I've no intention.

Good God, look at that.

And in my back garden.

Enough is enough.

Oh, Dean.

Look,

she got to the paper before I did, Mildred. Look at this.

Oh. Stop moaning.

Yeah, and she's been having a go at my armchair. Look at them teeth marks.

Some of those are yours, George.

That was from when England was beaten by Scotland.

Did you manage to get out into the garden in time? Yeah, just about.

Oh, good.

Yeah, when's she going to learn? We're leaving up every five minutes to shove

her on the grass, and half the time it's a false alarm. Oh, but George, she's so

little, you see. I mean, it's difficult to tell whether she's just sitting down

or... The other.

Did you have any breakfast?

Well, yeah. I had a cup of tea and some of them little hard biscuits.

Little hard biscuits.

Oh, look at this. It's useless, Mildred. Look. Look at this. Half a photo.

Percy Thrower showing Margaret Thatcher his prize something or other.

We'll never know what it was.

Well, it'll be on the news tonight.

Judging by the expression on her face, it might not.

If that's a dog, tell her to come in the back way. Oh, shut up.

Oh, good morning, Mr Fonk.

I thought she was in the back garden. She was. My back garden.

Yours? Burrowed under the fence.

He asked me if there's a touch of mole about that dog.

He dug up half my marigolds. Oh, I'm so sorry. Look, why don't you come in and

talk to George?

I mean, after all, he is the head of the household.

Sometimes.

George, Mr. Paul Mile has a little complaint.

She's bitten the head off my dahlias.

Why'd you do that?

Not me.

Your dog, Trifles.

Truffles. He's dug a hole in my lawn as well.

Oh, what a shame.

She's fond of burying things. I only just rescued me teeth in time yesterday.

Oh, sorry.

But I'm sure George will play for any damages.

Oh, yeah.

I mean,

can mere money compensate for the beauty of a garden in bloom?

I mean, can cash be put against the loveliness of Mother Nature in all her

glory? Yes, it can. About £15, I'll send you the bill.

Typical, that is. The bloody fillish, Annie.

Now you've upset Mr Formile. Me?

It's that mobile dish mop of yours. Oh, don't.

I mean, look at her, that wistful gleam in her eye.

Just a twinkle of scampishness.

Yeah, well, I've a good mind to take her out and lose her, twinkle and all.

It wouldn't be worth the hospital bills, George.

Eh? Since you've volunteered, you can take her out.

I'll clean her up, and then we'll go for walking twice around the park. Now,

look here, Mildred, I'm not in the... Hey, you!

Here they are, Tuckle.

You'll like it in here. It's better than the pot.

Hello.

Morning.

Can I have a pint of brown ale when you're ready and a packet of cheese and

onion crisps?

Oi!

Your dog just drank some of my beer.

Oh, sorry.

Top that up, will you?

Put her on the floor.

That's a nice puppy, isn't it?

I hate dogs.

My wife left me because of dogs.

Oh, yeah?

Used to lose all her housekeeping money on them.

That's one reason why I don't like dogs.

And another reason why I don't like dogs is because what your dog's just done on

my boot.

Where's Trish? In the kitchen. Why? I've got him something. Something he really

wants.

Oh, Geoffrey.

You've actually got him a... Well, yes.

Sort of. I mean, it wags at one end and whoops at the other. Oh.

Runs on batteries. Look.

Trish, close your eyes.

You've got to surprise me.

I keep them closed.

Right, you can open them now.

Oh.

Watch this.

Look at that.

Daddy bought it especially for you.

Watch this.

It's not real.

No, but it doesn't make a mess or...

Malt or dig -up gardens. It's better than a real dog, isn't it?

Well, it's different.

Well, you like it, don't you?

Oh, yes, it's sort of almost what I wanted.

Well, nearly almost.

Sort of.

Well, it's nice in here, isn't it?

Friendly.

I am.

Who do you think will win the 330, then?

Knock it off.

Knock it off? Oh, yeah, who's riding it?

This is a greyhound standard.

Greyhounds don't have riders.

Oh.

You live and learn, don't you?

They're nice dogs, aren't they, greyhounds?

At least you don't drink your beer and piddle on your boots.

I mean, she wouldn't have picked on you if there'd been a tree handy.

But there wasn't, not in here.

They do say that pet owners get to look like the pets they own.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Yeah. Do you by any chance own a ferret?

No.

Amazing. Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you insult me just then?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, you probably didn't mean to.

Yeah, well, I'll be off then.

He wants to watch it, that young fella, that's all.

Oh, my God, she'll murder me.

It's quite a nice toy dog, Mildred, but it's not the same. I mean, if Geoffrey

came home and found a toy wife in bed, he'd soon object.

Hmm. George wouldn't.

He's not very sensitive in certain areas.

Yeah, same as George.

He means well, but he's forgotten what it's like to be little.

Would George... Would you like another cup of tea, dear? Yes, please, yes.

What does Mr. Roper think of your dog? Oh, he thinks the world of it. Oh.

He'd be lost without her.

Truffles, here, girl. Come on. Where are you?

Oh, excuse me.

Have you seen a wasp's name?

What? Oh, my wife would kill me. I tied her up and she got away.

What, your wife?

No, no, no.

Yorkshire doodad.

Wasp's name.

Terrier.

Ah, yeah.

Little thing, pointy ears, little airy body.

That's it?

No, I... I'll tell you what, mate. What is your time of call?

You won't find any growing in there.

Troubles? Now, where are you? Come on.

Come on, girl.

Troubles?

Come on, girl. Troubles?

Troubles, where are you?

Troubles, come on down.

Are you in here?

Oh, dear.

Where did she come from?

Come on, girl.

I visited her with a kennel club, of course. Oh, look, there's her full name.

Truffles de Bourbon Fitzwilliam III.

Quite a pedigree, Mildred. If she could talk, she certainly wouldn't talk to any

of us. You're right.

Well,

here we are, home again, Truffles.

You can't come in here. There's a girl.

I'm training her, Mildred.

Obedience. Well, don't leave her out there, George. Bring her in.

Eh? Well, bring her in.

Bring her in? Hmm.

Yeah, well, I'll go and bring her in.

Ah, she's gone upstairs.

There she goes, upstairs.

Yes, she's, er...

gone to clean her teeth or something.

That's some training programme.

Well, leave the door open, George, and then she'll come in when she wants to.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, yes, yes.

Are you going to let her have puppies, Mildred? Oh, yes.

I want her to have everything that I've missed.

Mildred, you know this morning when I said that I went out to take her out and

lose her? I didn't mean it.

Of course you didn't mean it, George. No, I mean... If I was

the loser or something, I'd be... Well, I wouldn't do it deliberately.

It would be accidental.

Well, of course, George.

And then I'd accidentally strangle you.

I think I'll take her out for another walk.

You're right, Mildred. He does like her. Yes.

Yes. Yes, sir. I see, sir. Yes, sir. Could you... Yes, sir. Well, could you

describe the symptoms?

I see.

Floating upside down in the water.

That sounds rather serious, I'm afraid, sir.

Especially for a budgerigar.

Well, perhaps a drop of brandy might help. Oh, you've already had some.

I see. Well, all I can suggest is... That's right, sir. Why don't you

the vet?

Oh, good afternoon, sir. Hello.

I'm looking for a Yorkshire... What's the name?

Pudding? Yes.

No, no, no.

Terrier, you know, sort of dog.

Oh, a dog. I'm glad you mentioned that. Otherwise I might have to try and sell

you a Yorkshire Terrier cat.

Well, said this way, sir.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a ferret, sir? No, I would not rather have

a ferret, but I just will.

Over here, sir, the last of it.

There you are.

Probably pure Yorkshire, that, sir.

Probably? Yeah, probably. You see, its grandmother got out the gate. When she

come back, well, she looked too pleased with herself, see?

Yeah.

Well, she looks similar.

Would you say it had a wistful look in its eye with a twinkle of scampishness?

Well, yes, but not as much as a ferret.

All right, I'll take her.

She'll never know the difference.

Shall I wrap it up for you, sir? Oh, yes.

Good afternoon,

madam. I believe this is your dog.

Shruffles!

find her?

In the vicinity of the park, madam.

She was brought to my attention by a pavement artist who just had half his

Lisa washed up.

Oh.

Oh. You naughty girl.

Wasn't there a man with her? My husband?

No, apparently not, madam.

But if we come across him, we'll return him as well.

As long as he's got his identity disc on.

Thank you. You know, I just don't understand this. I mean, she was here

minutes ago.

Well, at least I thought she...

I see.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey, it's Mr Roper.

Yeah, I brought the dog round to show her to you before I show her to Mildred.

There she is. I've already seen her.

She dug up my garden this morning.

Oh, good, yeah.

Yeah, that's Tuffles.

It's a similar face, isn't it?

To what?

To the one she had this morning when she rooted among the marigolds.

Mr Roper, you are exacerbating the situation.

Yeah? Oh, it's nice of you to say so.

Now, look here.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey, what's your blood pressure?

Yes.

Yes. You've got high blood pressure, have you?

Yes. He's only had it for about three months.

Ah, that's about when we moved in.

Yes.

You know, you want to take it easy, son, relax, you know, do a bit of gardening.

Well, I mean, it isn't a bit of a mess out there, is it?

Yeah, well, I'll be off then.

You didn't recognise her then?

Ah, yes.

Yeah, well done.

How do you feel about emigrating?

Did the nasty man lose you then?

Never mind. When the nasty man comes back home, you can bury him in the

Mildred?

Come on, in you go. Have your dindins.

In you go.

Mildred?

Ah.

Here I am, Mildred.

Home. With truffles. Here she is.

George? Yeah, safely home.

I mean, I didn't lose her or anything.

There. She looks exactly the same, doesn't she?

Well, I mean, if she doesn't, well, that's probably because she's a bit

than she was when you last saw her.

Yes, of course, George. I see.

Do you think... By any chance, she just looks a little bit bigger?

No. Oh, well, there was a shower of rain in the park.

And they swill, you know.

She seems to have lost her identity, does she?

Well, oh, yes, it got bitten off by a duck.

No, no, George, ducks don't eat metal. No, you're thinking of ostriches.

Ostriches, yeah, that's it.

No, no, no, not that.

George, there is some other small change that I seem to have noticed.

What's that?

Well, Truffles was a girl when you took her out. Now she's a boy.

Trust you to spot a thing like that.

Oh, well, I mean, you heard her read about people changing sex, you know, in

Sunday papers.

Yeah, well, I mean, why not a dog? I mean, dogs can easily get...

Snap.

Wake up, Uncle George.

Yes. A nice little cold nose in each ear. There we go.

Wakey, wakey.

Oh, no,

not again.

Oh, God, not two of them.

Get off.

I'm sick of your stupid truffles. This is not truffles, George.

It's snuffles.

Or waffles or something.

I haven't made up my mind.

Well, we can't keep both of them. It doubled the paper bill. Oh, you're

absolutely right, George. You are.

Well, we've got a dog and a bitch here. Of course we can't keep both of them.

I mean, when they get older, they'll, er... Well, you know what they'll do.

No. No, you wouldn't.

Oh, that, yeah, I thought of that. No, you never do.

I'll take them back to Pet Shop, Scruffles or Piffles or whatever. No,

I've got a much better idea.

Oh, thank you. You mean he's mine, I can keep him?

Yes, dear.

Ah, well, we may have to get rid of him, but you can keep the dog.

You're sure, Anne?

Yes, Mildred.

Just look at its face.

Anne, Tristram. Ah, leave this to me.

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, you're not going to like this, but I'm about to talk you into letting

Tristram have a dog.

No need to, Anne.

I've already got it.