Original subtitles

Just look at this blot and look at it. All my paperclips are linked together.

Look. What am I supposed to do with this blot?

I don't know.

Throw a bucket of water over them.

Oh, it's Tristram, isn't it? What was he doing in my study in the first place? I

think he was keeping the rope of dog to type.

I have told you I don't want him using my typewriter. I want him to learn

handwriting. He's asking a bit much of a dog, isn't it?

Where is he?

Tristram, I mean. He's outside talking to Mr Roper. Oh, I wish he wouldn't.

Five minutes of roper can undo a whole year of Janet and John.

Oh, he's got that heap of rubbish outside again.

His car?

That is not a car. Cars move.

He's got muck on the tyres.

It lures the whole tone of the neighbourhood.

Out of the way, you stupid carburettor.

Oh, of course.

I've got to leave the house.

If you go on grinning like that, your love will have a few more.

When the artists come out, do you put them under your pillow?

No, I don't. I put them in a glass of water.

Cos my daddy says the tooth fairy will leave five and a half P for it.

Five and a half P?

Including VAT.

Mummy wants you.

Mr. Roper, when I tinker with my car, I do it in my garage.

Now, why don't you?

Well, your car's always in there.

Not my garage.

Yours. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I can't. It's full of junk.

I say, do it a favour, will you? See if the fuel part's clear.

George will be delighted.

Yeah. No, no problem at all, love, no.

Oh, that would be lovely, Ethel.

Yes. We'll see you on Friday, Ethel.

Yeah, yeah. Bye -bye, Ethel.

Who was that?

The Queen Mother.

That was your sister, wasn't it, Ethel? Yeah, made of money bags, her with the

fur -lined drawers. Oh, George, don't be so coarse.

Yeah, well, I don't like... Uncle Mildred, hey, come on, get off out of

No, no, George, don't.

George, of course.

Yeah.

Or her husband.

Him and his gold -plated truss. I can't stand them.

You're just going to have to, George, because they're spending next weekend

us.

Over my dead body?

If necessary, yes.

I'm not having it, Mildred. You all expect me to put on ears and graces.

Sleep with me teeth in. No.

George, we stayed with them last year.

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, so do I.

You pushed their barbecue into their swimming pool.

Yeah, well, it was on fire. It was supposed to be.

Anyway, George, it's our turn.

And I want them to come. Yeah, all right. Well, let's get it over with,

Oh, good.

I told Ethel you'd be delighted.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, did you get the car going?

What? Oh, no. I need some new parts.

Yes, but did you get the car going?

I've plugged the wonky in the dipstick's rusted solid.

Yes.

Do you think a trade -in would be a good idea?

Oh, I think it would be a marvellous idea, George.

But who'd have you?

Sorry, Squire.

There's just no call these days for three -wheel wrecks.

Well, it runs ever so smoothly.

I mean, I had no trouble pushing it here.

And I had the handbrake on. Sorry, Squire, I'm definitely not interested.

Oh, oh, yeah, well, right.

Hey, no, hang on, don't be hasty.

I'll come through into the office.

You might be able to talk me into it.

Eh?

Sit down.

Oh, yes, sir.

Right, now, what I am prepared to do is, uh... No, I'll be cutting my own

throat. Oh, that's all right. Go on.

Well, what I was thinking was that I... No, I'd be losing money.

Oh, I don't mind. What was it?

Well, you see, I could, uh... No, I've got a wife and family.

Please, what is it?

All right.

I'll take it off your hands for no charge. How's that?

Oh, yeah.

No.

Can't I trade it in for something?

A trade -in? Oh, now, that's different.

How about a cigarette?

Well, I was thinking more of a car.

Now, look at this, look. I've got a lovely little runner here.

Only have one careful owner.

Well, the front half has, anyway.

Look at the tyres. Look. Now, they are very, very good tyres.

Very experienced tyres.

I was thinking of something a bit smaller.

A smaller car?

No, a smaller price.

About 50 quid. Oh, no, I haven't got a car for that price.

Well, not a whole car.

Oh, right. Well, I'll try down the road, then.

Hey, hang on.

Let me ask you something.

Have you fixed up your holidays yet?

Yes, well, they're only staying for the weekend, you know.

They would stay longer, but her mink coat gets homesick.

They're not short of a few, Bob, then. Oh, no, well, I mean, he's in the meat

trade. The awful king of Oxshot. Oh, nice, yes.

And they've finally moved that clapped -out heap of... Ah, Mrs Rope.

I see your car's gone.

Ah, yes, for good.

And I'm as delighted as you are, love, believe me. Oh, you can't be. I mean...

Shall we have a sherry? Yes, lovely.

Actually, it was an eyesore. He's trading it in. Oh, what's he getting

Oh,

look at that. It's rushing.

Yep, you've got a real bargain there.

Oh, my God, it's worse than the car.

He's not leaving it there, is he?

Oh, no.

No, lover, no. Oh, good Lord, no.

No.

Excuse me.

He is, you know.

It'll stay there forever, rotting and rusting. Decent people will leave the

neighbourhood. Riff -raff will move in. Perhaps even council tenants.

You look quite handsome when you're panicking. No, no, no, no. I should

this up at the next meeting of the Residence Association.

Do I really?

It's an eye sore, George.

And what do we want with a caravan?

Holidays, Mildred.

The open road, countryside, hills, valleys, towing it behind.

Towing it behind what, George?

We haven't got a car.

Well, we can... Oh, you're right, I traded it in.

Phil, Phil, we can always rent a car. We could have rented a caravan.

What for? We got one.

Oh.

Honestly, George, I think you must be going soft in the head.

As well.

Now, look here, Mildred, that was a bargain.

Trade -in in the car and only 20 quid.

20? Yeah, well, mainly because the axle's cracked. That's not the only

No, you're right. The sink's cracked as well. Oh, they saw you coming, George.

Now, you get rid of it before my sister arrives.

No. It is old and it is ugly.

Yeah, so is your sister. It's stained.

Very nice.

If you give me 10p, you can have it. There's a tooth fairy.

No, no thank you.

There's some blood.

Would you like to see it?

Not just now.

You said you wanted to see me. That's only important.

Oh, Tristan's tooth's come out.

It's not very important.

It is to me.

Go and play.

Show your tooth to Action Man.

Look, I'm in. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Let me introduce you to Mr and Mrs Morecambe. And this is Miss Wise.

Hiya. I like your short, fat, hairy legs.

Beg your pardon?

This is Mr Roper from 46. He has a sense of humour.

Quite. Mr Roper, we four are the committee of the Residence Association.

I don't want to join. Oh, good.

And we have just passed a motion on your caravan.

You did what?

Agreeing to make you an offer for it. Oh, oh, I see, yeah.

Here we are, tea and biscuits.

Well, what exactly are you offering me?

Ah, well, there's custard creams or gingerbread.

Oh, oh, yeah, ta. Thanks very much.

I mean, uh...

What sort of offer?

Well, Mrs Morgan thought that before offering you money, we should appeal to

your community spirit.

Waste of time. I said it was a waste of time. We should offer you money.

All right.

21, 22, 23. Oh, you're back.

Oh, yes, George.

Look what I bought.

What? Look.

Ah.

I saw an X -ray of my bowels once. Looked like that.

You have no appreciation of the finer things.

What's it doing?

Well, you see, the oil in it, you know, when it gets warm, it rises gracefully

to the top.

Ah. And then what happens?

Well, then it cools again and sinks gracefully to the bottom again.

Then what? Well, then it rises... Oh, shut up!

Where did you get all that money? Oh, they bought the caravan off me. The

residence was named.

Yeah, well, they said it's bought the view, seeing they're going to get rid of

it. I made a profit, Mildred. Five quid. Oh, George.

Oh, I could make a living out of this.

I think I'll get an old boat next.

This is a nice neighbourhood, George, and I want you to stay neat and tight.

Oh, yeah. I'll vacuum clean the roof, if you like.

What's the point of having a front garden if you can't dump things in it?

they're here.

Oh, George, now, you take her. That's it. Now, remember, best behaviour,

Don't click your teeth and don't hum while we're talking.

Thank you.

Here we go.

You have my full permission to bite a pair of them.

Hey, and don't wag your tail. I want no sign of a welcome.

Lovely.

Leave a few cases in the hall, that's it. Come on in, love.

Oh, what a sweet little room.

Yes.

George,

Ethel and Humphrey are here.

Say hello.

Hello, Humphrey. That's Ethel.

Oh, sorry, Ethel.

George.

Well, uh...

Shall we sit down?

Humphrey, over there.

Oh. That's it.

Buy my new lamp.

Yes. Well, we had a terrible... Would you like to

take my new coat, dear?

Oh, thank you. Well, I think I'll hang this in the kitchen.

We've got a little dog.

Oh, there's a touch of Yorkshire Terrier there, if I'm not mistaken.

It's all Yorkshire Terrier.

You're a very, very fond of dogs, is Ethel.

She's a bitch.

Well,

now, what about a little aperitif before dinner, George?

You what?

A drink.

Oh, yeah.

Brown owls all round, is it? No.

No, George.

Cherry? Well, now, isn't it nice?

How's everything in Oxford?

Oh, lovely.

Humphrey's just had electronic gates put on the drive. They open to the sound of

my voice.

Haven't seen him such yet.

It's a joke, dear.

Tell me, Mildred, is that some sort of caravan out there?

Oh, yes. Oh, of course, it's not ours. No, it belongs to one of the neighbours.

Oh, we've asked them to move it.

Don't harm George.

There you are.

It's a good share of this.

Yeah, cheap too.

And if you want any soda, just say it.

Yes. Well, makes a change from Spanish, I suppose.

Well, I do think it's brave of you, supporting the developing countries.

Yes, well, that would be fine if you can do it. Thank you. Bye.

Ah, they're, er... They're going to try and move it this weekend.

Oh, good. Go on, what are you saying?

I was saying that Joanne and Brian and Roger and Alistair, they all got 10p

from the tooth fairy.

Oh, 10p.

Ah, yes, well, um, some tooth fairies don't have crippling mortgages to pay.

Fairies don't pay mortgages. Of course they do.

They have to have a gnome of their own.

Yes, well, without shaft of wit from your mother, I think it's time you're in

bed. I'm taking my water, Bishop.

What for?

Well, if you'll leave me find a half -pea, I'm going to squirt her.

So nice to get back to simple, homely cooking.

Shall we all move through to the lounge?

You think of it as two rooms, do you? It is two rooms, dear.

It's separated by the wall, which isn't here.

George, stop humming. I wasn't humming. No, you were going to.

Now,

Humphrey, here.

By the lamp.

That's it.

And, uh, Ethel, dear, you sit there.

That's it. The light's a bit kinder for you there, dear.

Would, uh, would you like a rug for your knees?

Thank you. Oh, just a thought. Now, um, you sit there and drink your coffee, and

I'll go and make up the bed.

You mustn't miss your beauty sleep.

You're in our spare room, all right?

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you. Did you ever get the barbecue out of your swimming

pool?

Would you like to come and give me a hand, dear?

Excuse us, will you?

Well, they do their best, I suppose.

Yeah.

That's all. Will you take faces with me? This lamp's making me feel sick.

I must say, you and your sister seem to be getting on very well together.

Oh, you fool.

Well, I mean, she said she liked your mushroom soup. She knew damn well it was

asparagus. Now, don't you start. Give me that pillow.

I'll tell you what.

They're not going to have a very comfortable night in this single bed.

They're not going to sleep here, George.

No, they're sleeping in our bedroom.

What for?

Well, because I'm not having a sneering at this one.

Well, where are we supposed to... Oh, no, no, no.

Yes, George. No.

I mean, we'll be squashed up against each other.

Yes,

George.

I mean, why did we have to come, Ethel?

What are we doing here, anyway?

Drinking Moroccan sherry and eating hula hoops?

I enjoy my sister's company.

Why? You're always slipping the knife in. Exactly.

Oh, I see what you mean about this lamp.

I don't think it would be right, Mildred.

I mean, it wouldn't be comfortable.

We'd be touching each other all the way down.

It is legal, George. I mean, we are married.

Yeah, I know, but it's your nylon nightie, so it gives me electric shocks.

I'll take it off. No.

I'll tell you what, I'll keep on the fatigue.

You will not.

I'm not having my sister think we've got no room for guests. I tell you what,

the caravan. I'll sleep in the caravan. I'll sneak out there after they've gone

to bed.

So just take it away.

He didn't have any change, you see.

I think I've listened to another one.

This is going to be a very expensive business.

Oh,

George.

Good morning.

Oh, Mr. Forman. Oh, good morning.

Where are they taking that caravan?

The breaker's yard.

Keep him there.

Yes. No, no, no, no, it was Avenue.

What, Crescent Avenue?

No, Avenue Crescent.

out, you know, there, when I went to sleep.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

What am I?

You're not fooling me, you know. That's not my front lawn out there.

No, no. Look, you've not met a hospital down the road?

Certainly not. Do I look like a doctor?

Well, no.

Can I use your phone?

Oh, yes, sir.

You do that.

to come and pick you up. Yeah, and bring some trousers and a jacket.

Especially the jacket.

There's nobody in the kitchen either.

You mean they've both gone out?

Yeah.

They left us breakfast, though.

I don't know.

Hello. Oh, I've been towed away while I was asleep.

Pardon?

Well, it's all the fault of that stupid sister of yours.

Do you mean Mildred?

Aye.

Oh, Ethel. Morning.

It's George here. Is Mildred about?

No, she isn't. Perhaps she's been towed away as well.

Can't still be in there, can he? He's a very heavy sleeper.

Hugh!

Surely... Surely that would have woken him.

Yes, Mildred?

George!

Oh, George!

You should have been in that caravan.