Original subtitles

Thames VTR 13644, part 1, take 1.

And we commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust

to dust.

And we beseech thy name... Oh, my God.

Here,

here's that.

You'd be in the grave, Mildred.

Yes, I know, George.

Don't.

Don't get it.

And to die in thy favour, that when the judgment shall come, we may be found

acceptable in thy sight.

A very upsetting experience that was, Mildred.

Gone, but not forgotten.

Well, your Uncle Nathaniel lived a long life, George.

I'm talking about me 50p.

Well, what were you sobbing about? You hardly knew him. Well, I enjoy a good

cry, George.

Wedding, christening, onion.

Would you like a sandwich, Mildred? Oh, no, thank you, love. Oh, what a lovely

service. Thank you. I think he'd have enjoyed it if he'd been there.

And how are you, George? All right?

Oh, yeah, I've never felt better, Kate.

Do you know those were his very last words?

Oh, yeah.

I must say, his widow's taken it very well. Oh, yeah, I know, Fred.

If you was to ask my opinion, I'd say that she finished him off.

She was too demanding.

Physically, if you know what I mean. Oh, I do, I do.

It's like trying to run one hot bath after another.

There's only so much water in the tank.

Exactly, yeah.

Don't you worry, George.

You're going to live to be 100.

Did you ever hear of anybody else who got a mattress replaced under a 12

guarantee?

Poor devil.

You know, towards the end, he could hardly hold his pension book steady.

Yeah, well, he was a lot older than she was.

He was towards the end.

Oh, I think your choice of hymns are so tasteful, love.

Oh, I'm sorry about George's tummy rumbling.

Oh, it was him, was he? It was hard to tell with the echo in the church. Yes, I

know. Oh, and the coffin.

Beautiful. I mean, that lovely wood.

Mahogany. I'm thinking of having the dining room done out in it with brass

lights. Oh, yes.

Yes, like the handles.

Oh, they went together beautifully.

Mind you, so they should have done. It was a very expensive funeral. Oh, well,

it's the cost of living, dear.

Well, also... I insisted on him being fully covered, of course.

Oh, yeah, well, I think you're very wise, yes.

Take my tip. Make sure your husband's properly insured. Otherwise, well, it

quite ruin the occasion.

Yes. Yes, I see what you mean.

Oh, yes.

It's going well, isn't it?

I know this isn't quite the time, Kate, but Nathaniel's best suit, the

grey one, is it spoken for? I mean, I'm about his size, aren't I?

No, it isn't. Why not pop round later tonight and try on the trousers?

Oh, right -o.

Eh?

You know, I don't like tragic occasions, funerals and weddings and that.

Yeah, I think I'll change my shirt.

George, are you fully insured?

What? It's not dangerous, is it?

I mean, supposing you got run over by a bus?

What, while I'm changing my shirt? Oh.

Any time.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I've got a small endowment.

Yes.

Yes, it's, uh, it's ninepence a week.

I'll get 54 quid when it matures.

Oh, well, we must try not to let it change our way of life.

Well, I've got my answer. I make it £1 .45 and a half P. What do you make it?

Um, three kilometres.

Oh, isn't it good?

Somewhere, one of them has gone just a little bit wrong.

Yes, we're answering different questions.

I'm not sure you should be helping him at all, Anne. If anything, it's my job.

But you get them wrong.

Yes. If I got them all right, they'd know I'd been helping you.

What's the next one?

Find the lowest common denominator.

Oh, haven't they found that yet? They were looking for that when I was at

school. They don't.

I'd rather go and play.

I'd rather go and play. Your mother would rather go and play. We'd all

and play.

Then why are we sitting here doing homework?

Because I want you to go on to prep school, followed by public school, and

Oxbridge. Post -graduate studies.

A doctorate. Get married. Have a child of your own. And dart the whole rotten

treadmill all over again. And the first step towards these glittering prizes is

to find the lowest common denominator. Now, get on with it.

When's the school report due? Next week.

Ah, good.

Looking forward to that.

Yes. We all are.

Do you realise, George...

lives are in this box.

Oh, there's your birth certificate.

Oh. There goes one theory. It's got your father's name on it.

And here's our marriage licence, George.

Oh, check and see if it's expired.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Oh, look, George. Your old passport.

Oh. Oh, you have changed.

Oh, what's that on your head?

Oh, it's hair, I forgot.

Oh, now, special peculiarities.

Small wart on the... I've never seen that.

Oh, no, neither have I. It's awkwardly placed, isn't it?

I had to take my mother's word for it. Oh, I must have a look at it. No!

What are you rummaging in that old thing for, anyway?

Trying to find the insurance policy.

Oh, here we are. The Putney and District Benevolent Society.

I see.

George, you haven't paid any premium since 1952.

Ah, well, no.

Yeah, I can explain that.

Give him a minute.

I was out when he called, Mildred. You could drop dead and I wouldn't get a

penny. Well, no, but... It's me that people are going to sneer at.

when they cart you off in a plywood coffin with Magwati tea written on the

of it.

You're selfish, George.

Well, I don't plan to die for years, Mildred.

Selfish?

Now, first thing in the morning, I'm going to inquire about the cost of a

funeral, and you are going to get yourself insured for that amount.

Well, it can't be all that much. Oh, yes, it can.

I mean, there's the cost of a headstone, there's the flowers, the cars, the

champagne party afterwards.

The band.

Good morning, madam. May I be of service?

Yes, I was... Oh, I'm inquiring about the cost of a

funeral. You've come to the right place.

Is it for a loved one?

No, it's for my husband.

Sad time for you.

May I offer my condolences?

Ah, I've got the beans, Mildred.

Morning.

This is him.

Your uncle?

Yes. Oh, but he's still alive, madam.

That is a matter of opinion.

Yes. Perhaps we should go through into the inner office. It's quieter in there.

It can't be.

Pray be seated.

Yes. Now, let me see if I've got this straight.

You are the deceased to be.

Yes.

Ignore me. That's what it is, Melvin.

George, we're only window shopping.

I wasn't thinking of spending too much.

Oh, quite.

Good. You start with the plastic cup. This is a very popular model. The

Executive Mark II.

Padded and lined with silk for comfort.

Oh, yes. Very nice.

I'll have one out the back if you care to try it. No, I wouldn't.

What I really want to know is how much is it going to cost me? I mean

everything. Well, it varies.

For instance, cars.

Will there be many mourners?

Oh, I shouldn't think so, no.

Oh, charming.

Let me tell you, Mildred, there'll be all sorts of people only too happy to

up for my funeral.

Yes, absolutely, yes. Yeah, well, there you are then, see? I want nothing but

the best. Oh, wise, very wise.

There is, of course, this.

This is a one -off.

Made by Kropman.

Genuine oak with gold -plated handle.

Oh.

I was saving it for myself.

You'd never get inside it.

£600.

Oh, yeah, well, that is a little stiff, isn't it?

Yeah, well, no. What I

was thinking was, haven't you got anything, you

know, sort of...

Second hand.

No.

Look, what is the cost of an average run -of -the -mill funeral for an average

run -of -the -mill dead husband?

£200, love.

And that's with half the mourners going by bus.

Shocking, Mildred. Why do you ask? Is Mr Roper feeling a bit off colour? Oh, no,

love, it is you yourself.

Coughing, wheezing, moaning.

No, I just think a husband ought to be insured. And a wife. He might see you

off. Oh, no, love, no.

No, I've made up my mind. He's going first.

But did you once tell me that Mr. Formile handles this sort of thing?

Insurance? Well, he does a bit. It's mainly houses, mortgage covers, that

of thing. Oh, do you think he could cover George?

Well, I should think so.

He hasn't got dry rot in his foundation.

Agreed, one can take out a policy just to cover the burial costs. But, well,

let's imagine for a moment that he's dead. Oh, yes, let's.

Who is paying the mortgage?

Food, travel, clothes.

Who's paying?

Oh, it doesn't bother me. I'm dead.

I think you should take out a policy which will ensure him for as full value

you as a husband.

As little as that.

I would suggest this policy here. £20 ,000 on his demise, £5 ,000 for the loss

of a leg, arm, eye, etc., etc.

Oh, they actually list the various parts and what they're worth.

Oh.

Oh.

One or two bargains here, George.

You're on a commission for this, aren't you? Be quiet, George. You're dead.

That would be ideal, Mr Fourmile.

Good. Well, you'll have to have a medical first, of course. I'll just take

a few details.

Name, we know.

Address?

Yes.

Height? That'd be about four foot six.

Five foot ten. Sorry.

If you want special peculiarities, he's got them. No!

I'm perfectly capable of filling in a form by myself, should I so wish.

Which I do not.

George! Nope.

Now, I don't like medical examinations, Mildred.

They get very personal sometimes.

Telling you the coffin, that.

George, it stands to reason they're not going to insure you if you're falling

apart.

So try not to show it.

Oh, and they stick their cold wash name up your wash names.

It's not a lot of fun.

George, you are only going for a simple check -up.

I mean, it's not a transplant, unfortunately.

Well, last time I went to see a doctor, do you know what he did? He hit me in

the knee with a hammer.

You probably said something to annoy him, George.

Now, you've got plenty of time, your appointment isn't till 11, and you are

going to see a Dr White.

Have I, er... Have I got to take everything off?

If you wouldn't mind.

Ah, yeah.

Well, that's... That's it, you see.

I do. I do mind. But if I take everything off, I lose my dignity.

And you feel dignified looking like that?

Well, no, but... Everything off.

I cannot examine you through your woolly vest.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, it's...

It's funny your name being, uh, and you being, uh... I'll take everything off.

And lie down on the couch, please.

Do you smoke, Mr. Roper?

Uh, no, thank you, not just now.

Oh, uh, yeah, I see what you mean. Uh, yeah, about, uh, about five a day.

Five? Three or four times a day.

Oh, so that's 20.

Yes, yes, you could put it like that.

Right, I'm ready.

Good.

I'd like you to know that I had a lot of sympathy with you people over the crash

helmet business.

One of your lot, you know, opened a restaurant near us.

The Kama Sutra takeaway.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Have you ever read it?

Oh, don't go around reading restaurants.

No, no, no, no. It's a book as well, you see.

It's a bit naughty, all those various positions.

Oh, I remember now.

Could you assume position 43?

Turn over, please.

Oh, turn over, yeah.

When will I hear from the insurance people?

In a day or two.

Breathe in, please.

You've got a good sense of rhythm, you people.

You're too kind, Mr Roper.

It is Mr Roper, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Oh, good, because you all look the same to me.

This is not a very good report.

Spelling poor.

I was top of the class in RN.

RN? Religious knowledge.

Spelling poor.

I thought it was fastest at running.

Well, that might come in handy.

And look what your rookie teacher says.

Lives in a world of his own. Oh, dear.

She puts that on everybody's report. She thinks it's funny.

And I'll show this to your father when he's in a good mood.

Anne! Anne!

Where the devil is everybody?

Which is not now.

Anne! Ah, look at this. A parking ticket.

Six pounds for parking outside the magistrate's court. What are you doing

Paying the parking ticket I got last week.

Has, uh... Has Tristan's school report arrived yet?

Uh, no. No, definitely not.

Pity.

Might have put me in a better mood.

There's a letter here addressed to you. Came this morning. Oh, sure.

Yeah, it says that you've passed your medical and the insurance company will

accept your policy on payment of the first premium.

Isn't that marvellous? Yeah.

Have you opened this letter, Mildred?

What makes you think that, George?

Well, little things. The fact that it's open and you know what's in it.

It's marked private and confidential down here. Well, I'm not going to tell

anyone. Well, you just told me.

It's addressed to you, George. You're entitled to know.

Now, look, I've made up this check. All you've got to do is to sign it and I'll

pop it in next door. Yeah, well, I don't know. Sign it.

Six quid.

Haven't they got anything better to do than go around persecuting guilty

motorists?

Excuse me. Yes, what do you think now?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Roper. Do come in. Oh, thank you.

Oh, George's trek round for his first premium.

Oh, he passed his medical then? Yes, he did.

Amazing. Oh, I'd never have forgiven myself if he'd popped off in the middle

the night before I'd given you that.

Oh, quite.

I'll make out a receipt, and then if he does pop off, you'll be a rich woman.

Yes.

£20 ,000.

You what?

Nothing, nothing, George, no.

Oh.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Oh, nothing, George.

I was just thinking about how much you're worth.

Or, rather, you will be.

But what put that in your mind?

Oh, I was reading this advert, George, about a round -the -world cruise.

Oh, we can't afford it.

We can't, no.

I've seen an expression like that on a vulture at the zoo.

Don't be so silly, George. It's just as if you did go.

Well, a cruise would help cushion the grief.

I think I'll keep it.

Why don't you hover over me head, eh? Oh, I don't know.

Oh, George.

Oh,

what a nasty cough.

It's the wrong way, that's all.

Oh, well.

Now, look, George.

This tourist class is under £5 ,000, and that's only a leg.

I mean, if you threw in an arm, we could stop off at Madeira for a month.

Do not try this conversation at all amusing, Mildred.

George, there's no harm in sending off for the details.

Over my dead body.

I've been thinking about this parking business, and, well, enough is enough.

I shall buy a folding bicycle and keep it in my boot.

Are you in a good mood?

Uh, yes.

Then I'll read you this school report.

Ah, so we have got it, have we? Yes.

Maths must try harder.

History doesn't pay attention.

English, his handwriting has improved, revealing his inability to spell.

And the rest are worth bottom of the class.

Oh.

That report is... Well, it's very disappointing.

It's not mine, Daddy.

What? It's yours.

I don't have your phone.

It's you when you were seven.

But I... Anywhere near as bad.

Ah.

Oh,

it's a good book, is it?

No, it's not.

It's about this woman who finished off six husbands by putting poison in their

food. Oh, I must read it.

No, no, I'm taking it back to the library.

Er, door, George.

Oh, blimey.

Ah, morning.

About your insurance, Mr Roper, I think you've made a slight mistake.

On the cheque, I noticed the date. Instead of writing the 9th of the 9th,

you've written the 7th of the 6th, 99.

Oh. I don't think the company would be prepared to wait that long before

it. No, well, we can soon put that straight. Oh, good. We'll forget the old

thing. Oh, but you... It was

him

next door.

I've just torn up the cheque on the first premium, Mildred.

You what?

Told him to forget the old thing.

George, does that mean you're not insured anymore?

No. Don't drink that coffee!

Why not?

Well, because I haven't put any sugar in it, George.