Original subtitles

Thames VTR 13637 part 1, take 1.

Roger Moore, Gerald Harper, the Duke of Kent, the ten best -dressed men.

Ah, they've missed you out again, George.

They what?

Just don't go into the garden, George. You might frighten the crows.

What kind of point are you trying to make, Mildred?

Well, at least you might try and put your socks on.

I had my socks on. You told me to take them off. That was last night.

In bed.

George, if you go to the Labour exchange dressed like that, you'll never get a

job. No.

Oh.

Now, you are just not trying.

How can anyone fail an interview for a lollipop man?

Yeah, well, I didn't want an outdoor job, Mildred.

Now, if they had indoor lollipop men, well, I just might... Where's my bacon?

Bacon costs money, George.

Cash. It causes talk if you try and buy a packet of streetie with an access

card. I see.

But you can afford new neck curtains just to impress the neighbours.

You can't eat neck curtains, Mildred.

If you don't get a job, you may have to.

Well, I blame this posh house.

You spent all our money on it, and now you're frightened to be ashamed of us.

George, you might like work.

Try it.

I have.

Not since the gas mantle factory broke down, you haven't.

Now, George, they've warned you. They've warned you at the Social Security.

They're going to cut off your supplementary benefit.

I don't care what they cut off.

Neither do I. Not anymore.

Ah, leave it, Mildred.

You don't turn me egg over.

I am not going to eat that egg.

You will get it served up to you every meal until you do.

It's a battle of wills, is it?

Yes.

Well, you should have said, stupid argument.

A million and a half unemployed.

Do you realise I'm going to have to feed them?

I don't think I've got enough plates.

I'm speaking as a taxpayer.

I blame Anthony Wedgwood, Ben.

Oh, Geoffrey, you blame him when you get dandruff.

Now, come on, Tristram, drink your orange juice or you'll never grow up to

big, strong moaner like your dad.

Who's Anthony Westwood then?

Ah, well, he's the... Geoffrey, you're far too young for that sort of language.

Come on, Betty Trevor, come on.

No, dear, that's Clive Jenkins.

Or possibly Hugh Scanlon.

And I'll tell you another thing.

These figures are out of date.

It should be one and a half million and one.

Deborah's left.

Is that filing clerk in your office?

The thin one?

Yes, well, she used to be. A thin, I mean.

She's, um, P -R -E -G -N -A -N -T.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She was F -E -X -M -A -D.

Well, it's damn inconvenient.

What's pregnant?

Right, lad.

You wouldn't get that in a state school.

I mean, she's, um... She's growing a baby in her tummy.

Can I play with him? No, no, not for a while.

He's, um...

Eat your cereal.

All right.

Why is Six mad?

Now, remember, George, I don't want to see you coming through that door until

you've got yourself a job.

Well, you'd better leave a window open then.

George, think positively.

Faith yourself.

I am as good as any other man.

And try and believe it.

I know it's difficult, but do try.

We're just going out of town to look at Hap. Ah, yeah, well, I'd like to, of

course, but I've got to go. She means me, George.

Come on in, love.

Yeah, right, well, I'm off then.

I'm as good as any other man. Oh, yes.

There we are, love. Go on in.

That's it. Sit yourself down, dear.

Oh, I would have been ready, but George and I had this tug -of -war over a fried

egg. Oh, sounds like fun.

You know, he's so fussy.

Geoffrey's just the same. He won't touch an egg unless he knows where it comes

from.

I thought they all came from the same place.

Rearrange your battery.

Oh, yes.

Oh, silly me.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Shall I ask my teacher what it means?

What? Sex mad.

No. No, don't do that.

Um, it's one of those words that means, um, lots of things.

This and that and, uh, almost anything at all, really.

You didn't mind me asking.

Not at all.

You don't ask, you don't learn.

Hey, excuse me.

Any chance of giving me a tow up the what's -name?

What? Up the garage. My car won't start.

Well, you can give me a push if you like.

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, that's all right. You can give me a lift up the high road.

Thank you.

Morning, son.

There's not a lot of leg room in these, is there? Still.

No!

There you are. Three o 'clock tomorrow in the personnel department.

Thank you. Thank you.

Next, now... Ah, yes. Mr. Groper.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. That's, uh... That's a G.

Roper. Oh.

Oh, yes, yes. I do apologise.

Mr. Roper, your cigarette. Would you mind?

Oh, it's a bit wet on the end.

Thank you. No smoking.

Now, I have your file forwarded on from your previous employment office.

Radcliffe, Robinson, Rupert.

I'm as good as any other man.

Yes. Now, what sort of employment was it you were looking for for the last seven

years? Well, I'm very fond of animals, mainly budgies.

I've always been attracted to show business.

Not a lot of call for singing vets.

I see you're down here as a gas mantle packer. Now, qualifications.

When did you leave school exactly? Can you remember?

Yeah, well, it would have been about half past four, I'd say.

Oh, well, you mean the year. Yeah, 1940 -something or other.

I assume you have no O or A levels.

Oh, well, they didn't have education when I was at school.

What with the war and that, see?

I see. Well, there's a vacancy here for a builder's labourer. I don't suppose

you were in the war, were you, being a civil servant?

I was in the war, actually. Oh, there's a night watchman. What do you do? Some

sort of pen pusher job, was it? No.

Oh, yeah? What then?

I was dropped behind the enemy lines in 1941.

I spent two years organising French resistance, sabotaging munition dumps,

blowing up railway tracks and so on.

I was finally captured by the Gestapo, tortured...

Thrown into cold hits, from which I escaped.

Recaptured. Escaped again.

Worked my way back to England and was awarded the Military Cross.

Any questions?

How much does a night watchman earn?

£30 a week. Oh, yeah, I don't want it.

Well, there's another one here.

Filing clerk in an estate agency.

Ah, that sounds more like it.

Oh, no, I don't want to work for him.

It's worth... going for the interview, George? I mean, after all, he is a

friend. He's not a friend. He lives next door.

Well, at least you know him. Yeah, but he don't like me. Well, it's the same

thing.

Ask yourself this, Mildred. How come they've suddenly got a vacancy, eh? I

know, George. I think the previous filing clerk got pregnant.

Did he? Well, that's it. I'm not going there.

George, it was a she.

It's just that they're not allowed to discriminate these days.

They forget about sex.

Much as you do.

Anyway, this collar's too tight. If I cough, I'll burst my eardrums.

Well, at least you're not respectable, George.

Yes. Just for once, I wouldn't be ashamed if you got run over. Oh, thank

Right, now, I'm all ready. Shall we go?

Yeah, right.

Ah, no, you're not coming with me. I'm not a kid.

I just wanted to make sure, George, that you arrived safely, on time and in

reasonable condition.

Well, I'm not a kid, Mildred. George, there are three pubs between here and

house. You'd have been asking the way in every one of them.

Good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon.

Um, we've come, I think, to Four Mile. We have an appointment about the

Ah, yes, Miss Groper.

Mr. Groper? I mean, Roper.

Oh, yes, well, he won't be a moment. Do take a seat. Oh, thank you. I can manage

on my own now, Mildred. All right, sure. Now, sit up straight, speak clearly,

and if you must blow your nose, don't look in your handkerchief afterwards.

We'll forward the details of the property or they'll keep touching.

Ah, Mrs. Roper. Yes.

Afternoon.

Oh, afternoon.

Afternoon. Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

I want you to come in. Oh, actually, it's George that... Yes, it is. It's a

more private in here.

Oh,

well.

Do sit down.

I wasn't intending to stay. Oh, no, no. Sit down while you're here.

Oh.

Well, what can I...

You'll think you're moving.

No.

Oh, well.

Jane, about that woman about the job, when she comes, ask her to wait, will

But she's in there.

He's in there. It's Mr Roper.

Fine, Jane, thank you.

The labour exchange game is this for you?

Ah, yes.

I,

um... You're not altogether a woman.

Well, you didn't ask for one. Well, I'm not allowed to. It's this stupid... Oh,

dear. Well, I mean, he's not all that masculine.

Well, no.

I mean, don't let his moustache fool you.

Right, that's it. I'm off. Now, he's willing and he's

clean.

And he does a very good job at packing gas mantles.

Though I don't suppose that would enter into it very much. No, it wouldn't.

You're wasting your time, Mildred. He doesn't want me. No, no, no, no, it's

that. Well, it is that.

Look, I'm perfectly willing to consider you. Oh, good.

No, I've considered him. No, sorry.

Let me see if I've got this straight.

You're turning me down for this job, right? Final? You will not reconsider

Yes, that's right.

Ah, thanks very much. I'll just go back to the labour exchange.

George!

I am sorry, Mrs Roper, but I did want a woman, and one with experience.

It's a very complicated filing system.

Oh, it's a colour -coded cross -index system.

Yes, that's right.

Oh, I used to use it before I gave up working.

Did you really?

Yes.

Now, don't start getting at me, Mildred. I did my best.

I know you did, George.

But he really did want a woman, you know. I mean, he wanted somebody with

and a pleasant personality.

Who does that remind you of, George?

A woman?

Warmth? Pleasant personality?

Nobody.

Me, George. He offered me the job.

He did what?

Now, look here.

I'm not having any wife of mine going out to work while I sit here doing

nothing. Reading the paper, drinking cups of tea while you go out.

Er, when do you start?

Monday morning, George.

And both of us are going to have to be up at 7 .30 sharp.

Both? Oh, yes.

I mean, if I'm going to have to go out to work, George, I need you to make me a

proper cooked breakfast.

Come on, come on.

This is a non -stick pan, you stupid slice of bacon.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Morning,

George. This piece of bacon spat right in me eye.

I'm not surprised the way you're treating it.

Oh, I think I'll just have toast.

I thought you wanted a cooked breakfast.

I'm still digesting yesterday's.

What's wrong with it?

I've seen tastier -looking speedway tracks.

Now, come along. Hurry up, George.

I'm going to be late for work. Well, hang on. I've only got one pair of

Do you want tea or coffee?

Well, I prefer coffee, but since your tea tastes more like coffee than your

coffee does, I'll have tea.

Yeah, right. Well, tea it is, then.

There we are.

Anything interesting in the papers this morning?

Hmm? Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little head about.

Now, don't you start that.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me, me.

That looks a nice piece.

Whereabouts on the cow does that come from?

Well, it's wrong.

It comes from here.

Yeah, right.

Well, what about that bit?

Well, sort of here.

Oh, and that piece?

Well, more or less...

guys every day pick up a tin of them and say something or other.

I don't know what I mean.

How's it go?

Isn't that the tune for Crawl Your Heart, Lady Harness?

That's funny for you.

A tin of baked beans I borrowed off you yesterday.

Come on in, Mr Roper. I'll put the kettle on. We'll have a nice... Oh,

feet. Oh, I know. It's the shopping.

Isn't that greengrocer a terrible flirt?

Well, he never said anything to me.

Well, perhaps he prefers lawns. Yes.

Oh, no, that's one pleasure I'm saving till later.

Yeah, I'm saving that up. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, I don't know. The price of apples these days.

I know. Well, they don't grow on trees.

Oh,

there you are. You see, I'm out of touch.

You know, my mother, God rest her in the old days, she'd go out with half a

crown and she'd come back with twice this amount of groceries.

Mind you, she did a lot of shoplifting.

The price is a...

Terrible, now. Oh, shocking.

I mean, I don't know how she expects me to manage with what she gives me.

It's scrimp and saving, never any thanks.

Mind you, I can always get a little extra out of Geoffrey. If I, uh, blow

beer. You should try him.

Well, I hardly know him.

No, I mean, it's not fair, is it? I mean, all day cooking, cleaning, and

shopping, and they come home, expect you to drop everything for a bit of rumpo.

Well, beg your pardon.

Well, at least you haven't got a child. to look after. I mean, I can't even get

out to the hairdresser's.

Oh, well, if I can help in any way. Oh, I thought you'd never ask. I've got an

appointment this afternoon at half past four.

Oh.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Roper.

Could you dig out a file for me on a chap named Collins, J. Collins?

I believe the previous young lady had him filed under D for Dreamboat.

Yes, of course.

The previous young lady.

Oh, yes.

Warden former.

I can't find the partisan cheese.

But who is this?

It's me.

It's Mildred there.

Um, it's for you.

It's someone called me who can't find the partisan cheese.

George, I told you not to ring me at work.

It's in the oxo box marked string.

Well, no wonder I couldn't find it. Hey, Mildred.

Oh, dear.

Partisan cheese and grated nutmegs.

Nutmeg? Here you are.

A J. Collins file.

Thank you.

Warden Formow.

Nutmegs. Nutmegs.

Oh, it's not the galloping gourmet again.

George, we haven't got any.

Yeah, well, could you pick some up on your way home? Oh, and the lettuce,

Mildred.

Mildred? You've hung up on me again, Mildred.

Oh,

add paprika to taste.

Paprika.

Here he is,

Mr. Rober.

He won't be any trouble. He's got his homework to do. All right, you'd better

come in then, son.

Now, you be a good boy, Tristram. I'll only be an hour. Bye. Yeah, bye.

I had Trist again at school today.

Did you?

I didn't want to, but she made me.

Yeah, I know how you feel, son.

You sit down there see and you get on with your work because I've got to do

cooking.

Are you playing mummies?

Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.

Will you put a baby in your tummy?

Will I what?

Blimey, I don't know.

Listen son, babies don't grow in men's tummies. They're found, aren't they?

And the cabbage leaves.

Look in our house. I grew my mummy's tummy.

My daddy put me there.

Oh, did he?

It might have been Antony was with Ben.

Oh, well, another day older and deeper in debt. Yes, the day seemed to fly

I never know when... Oh, night -night. Night -night, love.

Warden Formile?

It's in the cupboard under the sink.

Wrong number. Oh, yes.

Oh,

I love one. Thank you.

Oh, dear.

Oh, me feet.

Oh, oh, oh, lovely.

Oh.

This is what you do all day long, is it?

Oh, just this minute sat down.

I'm sure.

Well, George, aren't you going to ask me what sort of day I've had?

I don't care what sort of day you've had.

I've been stuck in this house, Mildred. I haven't seen a soul all day except for

a little half mile next door.

And all afternoon I've been slaving over hot stove, cooking you nice meals. Oh,

good. What is for dinner?

Beans on toast.

Well, that made nonsense.

Yeah, well, I made a mistake.

Well, I thought it was gravy browning.

Well, you shouldn't put shoe polish in bottles that look like gravy browning.

Well, it's all right for you. I can taste the stuff.

The inside of my mouth feels like a pair of brogues.

Oh,

there. Now, George, don't upset yourself, love.

The window cleaner winked at me yesterday.

I'll leave it alone.

Oh, look, come on, George. I tell you what.

I'll take you out for a nice meal. How's that?

Well... Yes, come on. Nice bottle of wine. And then tomorrow... Yeah? You can

start taking domestic science classes.

Oh, no.

Oh, not sardine sandwiches again.

I am sick to death of sardines. Why don't you get him to make you something

else? I made them myself, love.

Well, it's all he had in.

Right, well, I'm off to lunch, ladies.

I've about two. If anyone wants me, you know where I am.

Oh, morning.

Ah, morning.

I'd like a word with my wife, if I may. The nutmegs are next to the... Please be

quiet, Mildred. Now, look here, George. I say quiet.

My wife has given you a week's notice as from now.

Oh, she is? I am not.

Oh, yes, you are.

Because I went out this morning and got myself a job, and I start immediately.

Oh, George.

Have a sardine sandwich.

Sure.

George, you shouldn't be doing that. That's my job.

Yeah, well, it is for now, Mildred.

I'm hanging up my apron.

Now, come on, George, sit down.

Now, tell me all about your new job.

Well, it's a position in a shoe factory.

It's a very important position.

There were two of us after the job, but I was considered the most suitable,

mainly because I had both legs.

Yes, I see.

Well, George, I've got a surprise for my breadwinner.

Oh, well, champagne.

Well, nearly, yes.

And I thought that I'd buy something for myself, you know, because I thought we

need to celebrate.

Yeah. So I thought that we would have an early night.

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to, of course, but... George, I won't take no for an answer.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to take no, Mildred, because when I said I'd

start work immediately...

I meant immediately.

But it's six o 'clock in the evening.

I know. I'm a night watchman. Good night, William.

Oh, by the way, when I come home this morning, I expect a proper cooked

breakfast.

Hello, William!