Original subtitles

All right, let's have it then.

Now, be careful.

Don't suck it about.

Put it over there.

Now, let's start with this bit over here.

Go easy with that chair. It's not as young as it was. Oi! What?

One of the legs is loose and stuffy. It's coming out the bottom.

You've got your problems. I've got mine.

Hang on.

You take this with you.

And this.

Would you like to pop the piano on me back before I break into a trot?

By the look of their furniture, we won't have much difficulty in keeping up with

them.

Your nose is growing by the minute.

I'm just taking a friendly, neighbourly interest.

God, what a lot of tat.

Isn't that plain of yours, late? Huh? The one taking aerial photographs.

You can tell a lot about people by looking at their furniture.

I think we'll move.

Jeffrey, you promised to make an effort to be nice to him. Yes, well, only to

his face.

Well, how can you... It's like someone you've only met once. Well, it's just a

knack.

Left a bit, right a bit, up a bit, down a bit.

And that's how Charleston was born.

Right.

Where do you want it?

Oh, er, yeah, well, the wife wants it upstairs, but I think I'll go in the

lounge. I stay up a lot at night, you know, reading Westerns. Oh, yeah, I like

Westerns. Cowboys and that.

Oh, yeah.

Indians, too.

Indians, they're good, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

Indeed, it's lovely, isn't it? Why?

See, this chair's very comfortable.

Of course, on the other hand, have you got a light? I don't smoke.

I don't drink either. I just stand around here getting ruined.

Oh, yeah, well, right, you'd better go in here. Thank you very much. Just a

minute, I'd better go in first. Oh, hold on.

George,

when you packed this teapot, did it not occur to you to empty it first?

It is empty.

Well, it is now.

I've got tea leaves all over me underwear. Look at that.

from a loved one and a journey across the sea.

Can we put this down now? Yes, yes, put it down somewhere over there. That's it.

If I can find the kettle, I'll make you some tea. If I can find the tea. It's in

the kettle. Oh, it would be.

Look, George, why didn't you make a list of where you packed everything?

I did, but I can't remember where I packed it.

Hey, you're going to bring the bed in next. It goes in the bedroom.

In the bedroom?

So much to learn, so little time.

It's upstairs.

Oh, George, look at this lot.

This is all I... I've got a show for 20 -odd years of married life.

Useless rubbish.

Well, you've got me, Mildred. Yes.

Useless rubbish.

I mean, George, when did we... I mean, look at that chair.

I mean, just look at it.

Your father gave us that chair.

There's still a stain on it from the day war was declared.

Well, that was enough to make anyone spill their cocoa.

It's all old, George. All of it.

When was the last time we ever bought anything new?

Last month, that coat hanger.

Oh, we can invite people in. Give them a tour of the wardrobe.

I don't want people in, Mildred. Ah, now you see, that's just the difference

between you and me.

I am gregarious, George, you are not.

I don't see what astrology's got to do with it.

I like people, George.

I like mingling.

When did we last mingle, George? Oh, don't start that again.

The only person I ever get to talk to is Eamon Andrews, and he never answers.

I want a social life, George.

I see. It's one of your swanky dinner parties, is it?

Everyone's standing round in plus fours with a gob full of Arthur Aitmans.

No, thanks, Mildred. I don't want to hear it.

Oh, of course.

God, blimey.

Well done, George. You found the kettle.

Geoffrey, if you must stand there spying, at least give a running

Hmm? Oh, they're just taking in an item of furniture.

What? I think it used to be a bed.

I hope they get this loading before Margaret arrives.

Oh, it's Margaret now, is it?

Last week it was Mrs Partridge MP.

Pleased to meet you, ma 'am. Lick, lick, lick. When you're on the committee at

the tennis club, these natural friendships spring up quite

If you work at it. I see.

Chatted her up, did you? Not at all. We found we had a lot in common.

Politics, sense of humour. A moustache? Yes. No.

Well, yes.

But don't say that tonight. She's a very important woman, Anne.

We'll frame her knife and fork. Good idea.

Look at that dining table.

It's a tea chest.

Not that. Behind it.

It looks very similar, I grant you.

But, Geoffrey, I think you should go and ask them if they'd like a cup of tea. I

didn't hear that, Anne. Either that or you can help me scrape the vegetables.

Ah, I heard that.

I think I'll go and ask them if they want a cup of tea.

Do I have to sound as if I mean it?

Yes? Oh, very well.

Daddy, Daddy, you're staying on Niff Niff's paw.

What? Oh, sorry,

Niff Niff.

He's over there.

Sorry,

Niff Niff.

He's moved again.

Anne, I don't think this imaginary dog is a healthy thing.

Nonsense, he's a lovely dog.

Aren't you, Niff Niff?

Coochie, coochie, coo.

See? Mummy knows where he is.

George, you have been no help to me at all today. You should have been out

with those removal men.

They said I should be in here with you. Well, they're no fools, are they? That's

a lot, Mrs... Right, the head of the household would like to sign here.

Yes, certainly. Thank you.

It's got a nice tip, that pen.

Pardon? Hasn't it a nice tip?

Yes, it has got a nice... Oh, I see.

Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.

There you are. Would you like to get yourself a drink? Oh, so very much.

I'm afraid we dropped your orange vase.

Oh, George.

They've broken that vase your mother gave us.

Get yourself two drinks. Thank you.

Take it up there, will you?

Oh, George.

Ah.

All right, thank you very much.

Oh, by the way, um...

That box of salty magazines.

Oh, yeah, we slung it out like you said. Oh, thank you.

It belonged to a previous document.

Yeah.

Mrs Roper, good afternoon.

Oh, Mr Formile, good afternoon.

Do come in, please.

Thank you.

I'm afraid there's a bit of a mess in here.

Yes, it's Mr Roper, isn't it?

I've been in my family for over 20 years.

It's been a long time to keep a broken verse.

No, it wasn't broken until just now.

Surprise me. Oh, Anne, my wife, thought moving day and so forth that, well,

perhaps a cup of tea would be in order. Oh, blimey, we've only been here five

minutes. He wants to make tea for him. Oh, George, you've got hold of the wrong

end of it, as usual.

Will you tell her we'll be delighted? We'll pop in later. Oh, good.

If there's anything else I can... Have you been turned on?

I'm not sure.

Gas, water, electricity.

Oh! Yes, we have. Thank you. I would offer you a sherry, but we haven't got

glasses. We haven't got any sherry either.

That's another reason. Thank you, George.

No, no, really.

If you have any other problems, any problems at all, don't hesitate to deal

them. Oh, thank you.

See you later. Yes. Bye.

Bath, George.

If we are going to go next door, you are going to have a bath.

I had a bath last month.

George, I keep telling you, once a month is not enough. Bath.

20 -year -old Ingrid.

Trained to be a tree surgeon, but turned over a new leaf and branched out into

modelling.

Yeah.

George? Are you in that bath yet? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, then you must look very foolish, cos there's no water in it.

I haven't heard those taps running.

Well, uh, water, uh, yeah, it's a good idea, that. I'm thought of that.

Look, I'm not going to wait any longer.

Yeah. I'm going.

All right.

Now, if we put Mrs Partridge and Margaret there, next to me here, giving

benefit of my better side, then you can sit there, next to her husband there.

Incidentally, um, don't you think that dress is a little too, um, you know?

I mean, it's not a coming out party.

I know what I'm doing. It'll take his mind off the food.

No, but she is a conservative and he leans a bit to the right.

Sorry, I'll lean a bit to the left and he won't say anything.

All right.

Don't jump up and down.

Hello. Oh,

thank you, love.

I'm sorry if I was a bit delayed, but I thought I'd better change out of my old

clothes. Oh, no, no, no, you're fine as you are.

Is your husband with you? No.

Oh, good. Good if he'd come.

Would you like a cup of tea? Oh, Sherry, it would be quicker.

You know, a Montalado, Oloroso, Fino. Oh, lovely.

You must be up to your eyes in it.

No, it's the first one today.

Oh, thank you.

You've actually got a Member of Parliament coming here for dinner.

You must be so excited.

Oh, we don't like to make a fuss.

No, and we told the whole street, so they wouldn't make a fuss either.

Well, I mean, I suppose when you get to know them well. I mean, they're just

like us.

Huh?

Well... Some of them are like some of us, and others of them are like others

us. Oh, how very true.

Do they live round here?

No, they live in Surrey.

Not all of it, but most of it.

Oh, well, I mean, I know that if they were coming to my place, I would be in

such a tizzy.

No, no, no, we just take it for granted that we stay here.

You take the rice buckets, I'll fill the cokes, right?

Well, if you do, then they're early.

Oh, yes, come inside, please, quickly.

George!

Oh, dear God.

I couldn't find the towels, Mildred. I looked everywhere.

Oh, go on, I'll help you find them.

I am so sorry about his legs.

That reminds me, I must wash the celery.

Have you got your underpants on, George? No, I haven't.

and stalked the entire neighbourhood.

Come on.

Oh, look, it's starting to rain.

Please, I've done them for you.

You did not. Yes, I did. I left them on the hall stand for you.

darling.

Don't you think you should put something frilly across the top of... No?

Well, no bouncing.

Keep them as still as possible.

Is it all right if I breathe occasionally?

You must be the judge of that. Just remember, they are an important couple.

Well, thank you, darling.

Not them.

Them. Oh.

Good evening.

You may be locked out.

Ah.

Seems to be the only one that isn't locked.

You should be able to get in there, Mildred.

Don't you think it's a man's job?

Oh, yeah, you could be right.

Off you go, then.

Get out of here, dear.

Burglars.

Burglars.

Ah.

Ah, there you are.

It's all right. Your daddy's already in the bath.

Oh, laugh.

Oh, God.

Mildred!

Mildred!

Oh, did they get in all right? One of them did. The other one's still here.

Sherry, which was yours?

Oh, yes, the merely empty one.

Geoffrey, at least fill it up.

Oh, no. That's all right, love, I shouldn't really.

Oh, but I will.

Well, where's your little boy, then?

He's having an early night.

Yes, Geoffrey thought it best with his A -levels coming up in 12 years.

I'm afraid that Anne would bring him up according to Spock.

Oh, that's the doctor, not the one with the pointed tongue.

I think I'd better go and dry my hair.

Oh, what now? I suppose he can't find his flower.

Yes, what is it? Hello, Geoffrey. Oh, Margaret, Charles.

That sounds like your guest, love. I'd better go. Finish your drink. Oh, right.

Hello.

Anne. Anne, you know, Margaret. And Charles.

Hello, Charles. How are you?

And this is Mrs... Mildred. From next door.

How do you do?

Oh.

How do you do?

I've never shaken hands with a Member of Parliament before. Well, you still

haven't, actually.

My wife is the MP.

Oh.

I really must ask you now, the Prime Minister... Is he the same in real life

he is on television?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, how interesting.

And tell me, I mean, apart from being an MP, what do you do?

I'm a parliamentary private secretary.

Oh. Oh, I always wish I'd learnt a type.

Margaret, Margaret, you mustn't monopolise Mrs Roper.

Come on down, let me show you my robe.

Oh, good grief.

He wants to come in.

No,

no, no, no, shouldn't think so, no.

You can't leave him out there.

Poor fellow could have had his brain piped.

Can't think I'll put me knee out.

Yes, well, come and tell me about it, sir, outside.

Slightly. You mean you're still locked out? Yeah. You see, I couldn't get out

the room.

I'll phone for a locksmith.

Now, stay there.

Tristan, we should be in bed.

Nickness wanted a drink.

I'm sick and tired of that damn dog.

He's over there. Well, that damn dog... Son,

what dog is this?

My dog, Nickness.

He's invisible.

Oh, yeah.

And he bites.

I don't like to have to be the one to tell you, but there isn't any dog there.

I know.

I made him up.

Oh, I see.

He's a nice little fellow, isn't he?

He's a sort of... I think I'll wait in there.

Could I speak to Mr Groves, please?

I don't care if you are a recording machine. Let me speak to Mr Groves.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it shook me up a bit, you know.

The drainpipe coming away like that.

Here, I've got a bruise on me the size of... No, George!

My husband was on his way to the bath.

Of the drainpipe?

Oh, it's a long story.

It must be.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, thank you. What exactly is it, this green

stuff? Avocado.

Oh, yeah?

Same colour as our lavatory.

a locksmith. He won't be here for an hour. Oh, that's all right. No hurry.

Nice drop of brandy, that.

Tories, yeah, that's the party for rich twits, isn't it?

Now, I've got nothing against you personally, Maggie.

I'm in labour.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I have been for years, you see. Now, you see, now, where you Tories go

wrong... Yeah, George, it's closing time.

What, the pubs? No, your mouth.

Where you Tories go wrong is not having a firm policy on the price of budgie

seed.

You mean we lost the budgie vote?

Oh, yes, definitely.

And it's your leadership, isn't it, Charlie?

I mean, you're Mrs Thatcher, you see. Now, if she was to wear organics and

a pipe, well, she'd... Yes, but with whom?

Let's put it this way. I mean, what's she got that Mike Yarwood can get hold

Geoffrey, if I don't serve dinner five minutes ago, it'll be ruined.

Not while he's here. We'll have to give him some.

It's evaporating.

It'll be all cock and no van.

it, you see. I mean, you Tories, I mean, no, no, no offence, but you see, when

you get down to it, you're just a lot of chinless wonders, aren't you?

Not for George, thank you. No, he only drinks to be sociable.

You take your, what's -name, Macmillan wife, who's never had it so good.

That'll be for you, I hope.

I mean, what did he ever do, eh? Apart from letting the wind of change blow up

his corridor of power.

Goodnight. Oh, it's been ever so... Well, I think you know what it's been.

Ah, this is the locksmith. Oh, hello.

Oh, it's ever so nice of you. I'm sorry to have dragged you out to... George?

What are you doing? I'm strapping this invisible dog milk in.

George, you're drunk.

Look, Mike.

Just run.

He didn't really strike him because he's over there.

He's got this invisible dog called Niff -Niff.

I'll give you Niff -Niff when I get you inside.

Oh, that's the man.

Here we are, madam.

I'll send you my bill.

Oh, thank you very much.

Right, come and have your bath, George.

It'll be run cold by now.