Original subtitles

Underneath the arches, I dream my dreams.

Mildred!

I'll go.

One of me suspenders is perished.

Well, use an elastic band.

Well, make me feet turn blue.

Well, it was a straight choice, George. I prefer blue feet to floppy socks.

Now, come along. Put those legs away.

What's the matter?

Getting you going, aren't you?

I've seen better legs than an oil rig.

Now, come on, let me knot your tie properly.

You always pull it too tight. Yes, well, I do get carried away sometimes.

Now, look, I want you to look your best, George, because it's a very select

neighbourhood. Yeah, it's all BBC Two and musical toilet rolls.

I don't want to go, Mildred.

Look. Ah, hey, it's Gerry.

I want to view a house today.

Now, if you don't come with me, how will I know what you think of it? I won't

like it. Who cares what you think? You're coming.

Have you brought our car back?

No.

Right, that settles it.

I am sick to death of that useless friend of yours.

He's had that car for a week.

He's no more a motor mechanic than I am.

Morning, Mrs R. Good news.

It'll be ready tomorrow.

You said that yesterday.

Yesterday I said it'd be ready today.

Don't you play games with me?

Well, the tricky thing is gearboxes, you know, George.

Listen, let me explain.

Do you know anything about cars?

No.

It's your gudgeon pin, you see.

Slipped out of its woggle.

Fell in your after shaft.

You can't get the doofers since they put the clocks back.

Well, Jerry is the mechanic, my sweet.

Well, not full -time, George. I'm doing you a favour.

Now, my speciality is collecting antiques, objet d 'art, rags.

Well, we have to get to Hampton Wick by one o 'clock.

I am aware of that, and I'm placing myself and my vehicle at your disposal.

boys in the park?

Uh, no.

No. They're, uh, they're rough boys.

If I find a smooth boy... Uh, no, no. Just play on the path.

Uh, don't make a noise.

Enjoy yourself. Oh, Tris! Come here.

Must get you a rug of all.

Jeffrey?

Hello, darling.

I doubt it. Otherwise, you'd be in vacuum cleaning and looking harassed.

minute. Sit down. Sit down, yes.

Are you home for lunch?

Or a five -minute frolic? Careful, careful. Not a half -time.

No, I'm just showing some people around next door. Ah, well, it'll have to be

the window cleaner again.

You couldn't. Not with the window cleaner. I mean, he drops his H's. He

everything when I was here.

Does he now? Well, I'd rather not know.

It's difficult to get window cleaners.

Oh, dear.

That can't be done, can it?

This is going to make a lovely impression on the new neighbours.

Is that it?

Yes. I don't like it. Get out!

Oh, dear.

Look at them neck curtains. waving about like a cemetery flag.

Yeah. Oh, now they're short. They think they've got, because they've got two

bucks. George, I have been sitting on sausage sandwiches for lunch.

Still warm.

Mrs. Roper?

Oh, yes, good afternoon.

We spoke on the telephone. Geoffrey Formow from New Staten. Yes, absolutely.

Would you be Mr. Roper?

Not for a big clock.

Shall we go

inside? Of course.

I'll hang back for you, George.

Might go on the knocker, see if I can get a few pickings.

George, don't chat to the driver.

Any daft old ladies around here?

This is the last remaining unit in this small, rather exclusive development, and

I may say they are much sought after. Yeah, we had trouble finding the place.

This is the entrance hall leading through to the cloakroom, through

affording access to the first floor by means of a staircase.

Oh, that's a novelty.

A lounge.

Four mile, as in boat race.

Watch it.

Oh,

I mean, it's so light and spacious.

Oh, such big windows.

Yes, but the local window cleaner's very willing, or so I'm told.

What's this?

The patio.

Ideal for late -night barbecues.

Barbecues, George.

You shove sticks into things and roast them over red -hot charcoal.

as I will shortly prove to you if you don't stop trying me out.

The garden is very manageable. Are you keen on gardening?

No, I'll let them run to weed.

I grew a nettle once.

Oh, it's about... Oh, yeah, I'd say she's a bit of all right, isn't she?

door too, eh?

Yes, yes, she is. Yeah, a bit on the skinny side, but there you go.

I like a bit of meat on them myself.

That's my wife. Yeah.

There's a lot to be said to skinny women.

I think it's so important, you know, to have nice neighbours.

Yes, yes it is indeed.

A damn fireplace.

Huh?

Adam.

Kitchen.

Fully fitted, plenty of cupboard space.

A bottle rack for

your wine or your brown ale.

A large space for all your equipment. And how big is your freezer?

Oh, it varies.

Depending on how optimistic I feel.

Hey, what's this big hole in the sink?

Waste disposal.

You put your waste down there, potato peeling and so forth.

Well, they fall in the cupboard.

No, no, no, Mildred, it's a bit hot for us, isn't it? Oh, don't worry about it,

George. When you sit there in your vest, scratching yourself, it'll be instant

Coronation Street.

I mean, it doesn't, you know, it don't feel like home.

Well, it's not home. Yeah, well, I like the place we live in, you see. Then why

are you moving?

Oh, that's the council, see. They want to knock me down.

Yes? Yeah, well, it's a compulsory purchase order, see. They want to build

-unders or something. Oh.

Well, you see, the area has gone down dreadfully since we moved there.

Yes. I mean,

it hasn't felt the same since the young ones left. Oh, quite, quite.

It is a sad time for a mother when they leave.

You what?

Well, and a father, too, of course.

Oh, I wasn't near father.

No? No, they had three or four different fathers, as far as I know.

Oh, they were our lodgers.

Shall we move upstairs? Yes, please.

Thank you.

It's very nice, but there's not much call for gold watches these days.

I'll give you a couple of quid for it.

Well, Sotheby's value is at £250.

You haven't got any lead or rags that haven't been valued at Sotheby's, have

you?

Oh.

Well, I don't see the point in having two lose.

Well, supposing you both wanted two at the same time?

Well, she can wait.

Anyway, I mean, in here.

And that little one hasn't got a lid on it.

George, that is a bidet. Oh, I am. They're coming useful for washing the

me wellies.

Stop it.

How can you be so ignorant?

They don't have mud in Hampton Week.

Now, get downstairs while I look around here in peace.

No, you can't.

What are you looking at?

I'm working class.

Yeah, I suppose so.

What do you work at?

Ah, well, I don't at the moment. You know, part -time. I've got this bag

My daddy says you're a sponge of the text. parrot and fidget on bingo.

And it's the life of Riley.

Does he? Well, you tell your dad that I'm working class and bloody proud of

My daddy says you should be put up against the wall and shot.

Your dad's done the right toppy nose middle class twit.

That's what my mummy says.

Yeah, well, good for her.

If I saw your dad, I'd knock his block off.

Daddy, he wants to knock your block off.

Come on, sorry about this.

Home. What a nice little boy.

Nice? He's walked, that kid.

He's like his father. Are you working class?

I'm sorry about that. He will play, you know.

Now, where were we?

Oh, I was just saying, out the back there, I could knock up a few working

ferret hutches and that's a pigeon loft.

Pigeons? Yeah, well, we can't keep them where they are. You see, the neighbours

complain of the droppings.

Of course, there won't be any room for the coal. We can keep that in the bath,

can't we?

I've got some space out there to burn the mattresses. That is between sponging

and playing bingo, of course. Come on, Hilary.

We'll be in touch.

I am ashamed of you, George.

I thought I'd always been ashamed of you. But I didn't know what being

of you was.

She's all right.

Don't think much of him, though.

What's wrong with him?

He's working, Carlos. I'm bloody proud of him.

Well, I like it, George, and I think we ought to buy it. Yeah, I heard you.

I heard you all night, even with the pillow over my head.

I mean, the bulldozers will be moving in soon.

You can't just sit here like kink and ute.

Well, I don't see what burning cakes has got to do with it.

Anyway, why can't we take the council's offer?

A nice flat on the 18th floor, Gates School Point.

I am not going to live in a vertical slum. Yeah, well, I feel happier there

my own soul. Yeah, there's another reason why we're not going to live

I can't get the hang of rolling me own. Ah, George, and with all the practice

you've had.

Oh, Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood can do it with one hand on the back of an horse.

And he's wearing a blanket.

Perhaps he's just as well.

I've wasted enough of these fag papers to do out the lounge.

Morning, George. Morning, Mrs R. The car's outside. The gearbox is in perfect

working order. That's about time.

Apart from the fact that it's ever so slightly back to front.

It's not difficult.

I mean, first is now fourth, second is third, third is second, and first is

fourth. Only I wouldn't advise going into fourth, George. She's inclined to

into reverse.

Perfect working order.

Well, you can't get the parts, Mrs R. I've had to use parts from five

cars. Nearly got caught twice.

Do you know why I let this jack -of -all -trades get his hands on our car?

I mean, I must have wanted my head examined.

Psychiatry, I know a bit about that. No, you think that. Be quiet!

Is it safe?

Oh, yes.

Right, George, you and I are going to Hampton Wick this morning in that car.

Backwards, if necessary.

And have a look at our house.

Aye.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, good morning. My name is Roper.

I was viewing 46 Peacock Crescent yesterday.

Yes, Mr Roper?

Mrs Roper.

Oh, the lady in the nylon simulated leopard skin coat.

Yes.

I'm a friend of the earth.

Can I speak to Mr Formile, please?

Mr Formile...

I'm afraid he's in conference with our Mr... Wagfinger.

Well, actually,

we wanted to see the house again.

Would it be all right if we picked up the keys, say, at about 12 o 'clock?

that'll be fine.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

They want to view the house again.

Oh, dear.

And it's worse now than it was before.

Yeah, Mildred. Yeah, it's got the windscreen wipers going.

Every time it rains, we're going to have to sever the chain wire, Frog.

Now, if we do happen to see any of the neighbours, don't...

powerful tale, the subaquatic crimebusters smash the speargun from the

the mafia frogmen. Rash!

Help, help! Glug, glug!

What in God's name are you reading here?

Sharkman. He's half man, half fish.

Fights crime underwater.

What sort of crime takes place underwater?

I don't know.

Codnapping.

What are you looking at?

Oh, just some people outside 46, that's all.

Oh, I didn't know it was sold.

It isn't. We don't want it thought living next door, do we?

You see, Daddy.

What? Oh, half man, half fish.

Can I see him?

No, Tristram, you go and play in the garden. Mummy wants to talk to Daddy.

Are you going to have a row?

What?

Can't I stay and watch?

No.

Did you let those poor people come all the way over here for nothing?

Um, well, er...

What's the point if it's gone?

Oh, George, I just wanted another look at the bathroom. You know, that lovely

avocado, low -level suite.

Well, we've got low -level suite at home. Yeah, only since the system fell

the walls.

George, you don't care, do you?

I mean, you don't care that this house has been sold?

Oh, I like it, always did.

Or... Oh, we'd have bought it if it wasn't sold, I say.

Oh, George!

No, I can't accept that. I am not a snob, Anne.

You ask anyone.

Well, anyone who matters.

Oh, yes, you are. You buy the Financial Times just to impress the newsagent.

Nonsense. I just don't want to be knee -deep in ferrets and pigeon droppings,

that's all. It's not much to ask, is it?

I mean, he even grows thistles in his garden. Oh, the ultimate crime.

I'm telling you, Anne, that man could drop the bottom out of the property

for miles around.

Well, I think it's mean putting a sold sign up. They look like a nice couple.

I'm sure they are.

Apart from him.

But his friend.

Did you see his friend?

Yes. He offered me a goldfish for the grandfather clock.

Well, there you are.

There's no guarantee they haven't got children.

Swarms of children.

Tristan will get nips. Oh, for heaven's sake.

I just feel sorry for them, that's all.

I'm sorry.

It's Dan.

Yeah, Dan, you hit me.

Oh, it's you.

Yes. I don't think we met each other properly.

My name's Tristan. Yeah, would we?

Oh, well.

Roper. George Roper.

Are you going to offer me a sweet tea?

Er, oh.

I mean, I won't take it, because Daddy says I mustn't take sweets from strange

men. Oh, well, right.

Shall I tell him you offered me one? No, no.

Mildred, can we go now?

All right, George, just a minute.

Oh, hello, love.

It's Tristram, isn't it? They don't offer him any sweets. It's a trap.

Have you got any surprise, old girl? No, dear.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Oh, there you are, Tristan. I couldn't see you from the window.

I'm from next door. This is my little horror. Oh, how do you do?

This is mine.

Well,

it's not compulsory.

We were very nearly neighbours.

Yes. Did you have to come far?

Oh, dear, no, not far.

Mind you, it took us nearly an hour and a half.

An hour and a... Oh, dear.

Well, would you like a cup of tea?

Oh. Good.

Zap.

Pow.

Zing.

All right, then.

Play where I can see you.

We'll come through. Thank you.

Geoffrey, we've got company.

This is Mr and Mrs Roper. Oh, good, yes. We've been looking around next day.

Yes, we did phone this morning, but you were in conference with your Mr

Wagfinger. Who?

Oh, yes, quite.

Just a doubt. Thank you.

Do you think it's all right? I mean, I've got my working -class trousers on.

Sit.

Oh, what a lovely room.

And the carpet.

Oh, I do like a nice deep pile on the floor, don't you, George?

Nice deep pile of what?

Um, yes, uh, tea.

Would you prefer China or Indian? Oh, yes, please.

I like the one the monkeys drink.

Milk or lemon?

No, thanks. I'll stick with the tea.

Yes, we'll have lemon. Thank you.

Oh, what a charming little boy.

Is he your only one?

Yes. Yes, we were going to have another.

But the dishwasher came first.

Ah, you can't cuddle a dishwasher.

He can.

Do you have swarms of, I mean, any children at all? No, no.

Oh, we did try.

Once or twice.

But, no.

We haven't got a dishwasher either.

No, well, we thought best not. There's too many working -class kids as there

And we breathe like fruit flies are a lot once we start.

Lucky there's a war every now and then to thin us out.

I don't suppose you were in the war, were you?

I was exempt for medical reasons.

I hadn't been born.

Ah, you see, there's always an excuse.

Testum, what are you doing?

I'm listening in the tea house.

Disgraceful. You take after your mother. Go inside.

Now, the thing about the war is you had all sorts of people with one thing in

common. They were getting killed.

No, yeah, well, they was, but the main thing was that you had the Duke and the

dustman standing shoulder to shoulder, side by side. Doing what?

Eh? Well,

getting killed, mainly.

The point I'm trying to make is that was the war that was supposed to end class

prejudice and have our lot take over.

There'll now be a silver collection in his clog.

Do you think we might be able to change the subject?

Ah, what a pity the house next door has been sold.

Yes, yes, it is a pity, isn't it, Geoffrey?

About the war. It hasn't been sold.

Next door it hasn't been sold, has it, Daddy?

Ah, well, er... He told me on the phone. Oh, I haven't been told you said.

Well, who, uh, who, who, uh, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,

who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,

who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,

who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,

who, who, who, who, who,

who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,

who,

Looks like we've got our new neighbours.

I'm afraid it does.

Oh, cheer up, George.

You said you liked it. Yeah, but that was when it was sold, Mildred. We can't

afford it. Oh, yes, we can, once we get the compensation from the council.

Of course, you'll have to get yourself a job.

Aye.