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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,217
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,637
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,473
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:17,768
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:21,563
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,942
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,072
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,912
Stewie Griffin, come on down!
11
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,838
You're the next contestant
on The Price is Right!
12
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,049
Turn that show off.
13
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:50,509
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
14
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:51,844
You got a problem with Right?
15
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,345
First of all, nobody
calls it that.
16
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,056
Second of all, yes, I have a
problem with The Price is Right.
17
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,308
For 35 years, the
host of that show
18
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,227
told everyone to
cut our marbles off.
19
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,687
"Barker" my ass.
20
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,981
C'mon, Bri. Drew
Carey is the host now,
21
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,191
and he bought the writers
lunch during the strike,
22
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,360
so we're not gonna tell
jokes about him, per se.
23
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,237
-We're not gonna talk about his weight?
-Nope.
24
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,323
How about that he seems constitutionally
unable to open his eyes fully?
25
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,075
That, too, is off limits.
26
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,577
So, then we won't say
that he looks like
27
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,704
SNL motivational
speaker Matt Foley
28
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,497
who started Ozempic
and then gave up?
29
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,082
Nope. Not on this program.
30
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,793
The Price is Right is
coming to New York!
31
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,420
Visit our website
for more information
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00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,838
on how to be a contestant.
33
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,922
Brian, did you hear that?
34
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,007
Let's go!
35
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,091
What? No way.
36
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,093
C'mon, we could be
there and back in a day!
37
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,053
I didn't ask you
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00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,847
because you said
you hate New York.
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00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,141
His mom's got Covid, so
he's a little on edge.
40
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:40,684
Oh, it's like the
most mild case.
41
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:41,935
Anyway, New York!
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00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,108
Since the beer's expired,
43
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,443
I need you to sign this waiver
44
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:52,154
saying that if anything
happens, it's not my fault.
45
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,573
I'm just gonna write "Peter."
46
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,036
I don't know how to
do a autograph yet.
47
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,329
Oh, man, this is awesome!
48
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,039
We're gonna get so
trashed tonight!
49
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,790
Yeah, let's rip it up!
50
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:07,211
Ah, nothin' hits
the spot like a warm
51
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,046
dust-covered can of beer.
52
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,173
All right, Cleveland,
you can do it.
53
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,967
You can tell them that
you promised your wife
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00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,384
you're not drinking this month.
55
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,887
They're your friends, and
they'll respect your decision
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00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,639
to honor a marital request.
57
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:19,723
And if not,
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00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,392
you're a grown man and don't
need their approval anyway.
59
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,311
-Beer?
-Hell yeah!
60
00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,772
Hard alcohol was the
main problem, anyway.
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00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,941
You'll at least take
a month off from that.
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00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,234
-Shots?
-I'm down!
63
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:41,454
What are you wearing that for?
64
00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,372
Ups my chances of
getting on the stage.
65
00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,332
They love military people.
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00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:46,834
Thank you so much
for your service.
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00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:47,918
Oh, yeah, you bet.
68
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,878
-Semper fi.
-Oh, okay.
69
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:53,048
Look at all these slobs
trying to get free crap.
70
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,759
I don't feel bad for
tricking those people.
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00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,093
They can get on another show,
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00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,637
like Very Greased
Wheel of Fortune.
73
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,556
All right, David, you're up.
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00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,605
Keep clapping!
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00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,369
He... hello?
76
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,205
Non-stop Providence
to Charlotte?
77
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,292
Yeah, tell traffic
control I'll be there.
78
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,003
Hey, can you send a car? I...
I don't think I can drive.
79
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,922
God, I must've passed out.
80
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:37,050
Hey, you've got some kind
of drawing on your face.
81
00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:39,678
Is it a dong?
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00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,763
Quagmire always
frickin' dongs me.
83
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,349
No, it's like a hand
twirling a fancy mustache...
84
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:45,934
Wait, don't rub that off!
85
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:48,270
Peter, I think that
might be a Banksy!
86
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,980
-A what?
-A Banksy!
87
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,859
He's this world-famous artist
that keeps his identity a secret.
88
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,027
Why would he do that?
89
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,320
'Cause, you know
how whenever you see
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00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,572
a famous modern artist
walking down the street,
91
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,866
you're like, "Hey, there's
that famous modern artist,
92
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,911
and I got all types of
inquiries about modern art."
93
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,412
Banksy's just a regular guy.
94
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,706
His wife puts his pants
on one leg at a time,
95
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:08,957
just like you and me.
96
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:11,293
Well, I better get home,
wash this thing off my face.
97
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,503
Don't wash it off!
98
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,379
It's probably worth
a lot of money.
99
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,132
Cleveland Brown, you get
your butt home right now!
100
00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:20,260
Donna, I... I think
somebody spiked my O'Doul's!
101
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,352
I can't believe
we're actually here!
102
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,439
Hey... hey, what do you
think the caption should be?
103
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,814
"So... this happened,"
104
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,733
or "Scorchin' it!"?
105
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,902
Yeah, "Scorchin' it!"
is kinda Joe's thing.
106
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,529
That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
107
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,781
Like I sit around
and try to copy Joe.
108
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,491
You got "Rip it up" from Joe.
109
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:44,076
I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.
110
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,911
Is he a gigantic
influence on me?
111
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,079
Do I love Joe?
112
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:49,039
God, look at all these
shrieking idiots.
113
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,750
How empty are their lives if
this gets them that excited?
114
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,211
Our next contestant on
The Price is Right is
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00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,629
Brian Griffin.
116
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,047
Come on down!
117
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,049
Aah! It's me... it's me!
118
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,969
What the hell! I served
in Iraq or... or whatever.
119
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,387
That's me! They
called my name!
120
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,471
Zoomies!
121
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,520
Joke's on him, he won't
know any of this stuff.
122
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,188
Okay, welcome up, Brian.
123
00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:16,233
George, tell us about our
next item up for bids.
124
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:20,404
It's a brand-new day bed
for the modern writer dog!
125
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,197
Cut his marbles off, Drew!
126
00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:23,824
Mary, why don't
you get us started?
127
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,702
Uh, I've never heard of such
a thing. I don't know, um,
128
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,413
$6,000?
129
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,248
I, too, have never
heard of such a thing.
130
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,041
$12?
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00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,170
$6,001.
132
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,964
$289.99, Drew.
133
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,340
Actual retail price...
134
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,093
$289.99.
135
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,386
Brian, you're the winner!
136
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:48,015
An exact bid!
137
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,099
Brian's a legend!
138
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,392
Oh, I'm back on board!
139
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:54,062
That means, Brian, you'll be
in today's "Showcase Showdown."
140
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,358
And jealous Stewie is back.
141
00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,860
Is it weird watching this show
142
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,237
while you're not ironing,
you wretched hag?
143
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:04,001
Sorry, I'm... I'm mad
about something else.
144
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:10,120
Brian, the actual retail
price of your showcase is...
145
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,789
$29,232.
146
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,249
That means, Brian Griffin,
147
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,126
you've won today's
"Showcase Showdown"!
148
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,419
I won a boat!
149
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:19,546
Congratulations, Brian.
150
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,256
Anyone you want to
say hi to out there?
151
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:24,259
There sure is. I wanna say
hi to my best bud, Stewie.
152
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,344
Aww.
153
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,428
Stewie Grimaldi.
154
00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:27,638
What?
155
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,723
Hey, Ma, Brian
just mentioned me!
156
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,725
What's he wanna
mention you for?
157
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:32,809
Ma!
158
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,358
Look at this guy!
159
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:40,442
Scorchin' it!
160
00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:43,654
She's a beaut, Brian. What kinda
fuel you puttin' in this puppy?
161
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,572
Um... boat fuel?
162
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,200
Yup, that's just about my
knowledge of boats, too.
163
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,285
Got a lot of great
memories on boats.
164
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,872
Would you like to hear
about each one, Brian?
165
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:56,416
Oh, you know, I would, but,
I... it's just, I got...
166
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,418
I got a lot of boat
stuff I gotta do.
167
00:06:58,502 --> 00:06:59,503
Oh, sure. Yeah.
168
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,421
Sure, sure, yeah, I bet.
169
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:08,220
Cleaning lady's at the house,
and I'm not sure what to do.
170
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:11,306
That should have been my boat.
171
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:12,391
Fine, Rupert.
172
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,726
I feel that should've
been my boat.
173
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:16,687
See, I can weaponize
therapy, too.
174
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,650
Good evening. Our top story,
175
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,820
attractive field reporter
returns from maternity leave.
176
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,405
Let's see if she snapped back.
177
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:29,283
Thanks, Tom. Tensions rise
on the Senate floor, as...
178
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,367
Not bad.
179
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,618
Not great, but not bad.
180
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,871
In other news, Quahog
resident Peter Griffin
181
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,416
awoke to find an original
Banksy drawn onto his face.
182
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:40,544
The artist shared a photo of the
piece on his Instagram this morning,
183
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:41,628
claiming authorship.
184
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:44,590
What was your reaction when
you found out it was a Banksy?
185
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,926
Well, in my day, graffiti wasn't
street art, it was a crime.
186
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,261
And these lawless thugs...
187
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:51,138
This isn't the Fox
News interview.
188
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,848
Oh, well, then I
thought it was neat.
189
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,850
Art is important
and I like pictures.
190
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,562
-Peter Griffin?
-Yeah?
191
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,732
I'm the curator for the
Quahog Urban Museum.
192
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,693
Oh, I love the QUM!
193
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,612
Thank you, we always
enjoy hearing that.
194
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,698
Listen, it's not often that a
museum gets to display a Banksy.
195
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:12,451
We'd love for you to come
be an exhibit at the museum.
196
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,619
Wow, me?
197
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,703
At a museum?
198
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,288
Free lunches? Tons of chicks?
199
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:19,166
An assistant to fetch the
lunches and bring the chick tons?
200
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,502
We'll be in touch with
all the details. Good day.
201
00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:24,296
Why didn't you
introduce us to him?
202
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,672
Chris, bite your strap!
203
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:32,221
Peter, are you sure about
this museum business?
204
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,472
What about your job?
205
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,765
I know this is hard, Lois,
206
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,684
but this is what we've always
talked about since this morning.
207
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,019
-But Peter...
-Look, Lois,
208
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,729
I'm never gonna be
able to say this right.
209
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:41,813
But you know who will?
210
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,941
Coach Taylor from
Friday Night Lights.
211
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,651
Lois, let me tell you somethin'.
212
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:50,197
I am clearly the worst first half coach
in the history of high-school football,
213
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,659
and that enables me to make
halftime speeches like this.
214
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,743
Now, Lois,
215
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,578
this ain't just about football.
216
00:08:57,079 --> 00:08:59,290
Peter's not the brightest,
and he ain't the best lookin'.
217
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:02,376
Heck, I don't even know how he
gets his shoes on in the morning.
218
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:05,754
But a guy drew on his face,
and that means somethin'.
219
00:09:05,838 --> 00:09:08,799
Now let's get out there and
show this tiny Texas town
220
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,218
what big-city modern
art is all about!
221
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,303
Let's go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
222
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:24,523
Gentlemen, you are all here because
you want to get your boat license.
223
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:25,816
By the end of this course,
224
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:29,236
you will be able to take a sip
from a Bud Light can with one hand
225
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,822
and push a lever
forward with the other.
226
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:35,701
Between the can and the lever, how
are we supposed to smoke a cigarette?
227
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,536
Sir, it's a three-hour course.
228
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,162
Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
229
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,664
Now, let's do a
little role-playing.
230
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,082
Brian, come on up here.
231
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,168
Now, pretend I'm the Coast Guard
232
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,669
and I've just flagged you down.
233
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,963
"Sir, how many drinks
have you had today?"
234
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,756
Uh, I don't know, one or two.
235
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,134
We got a pro here!
236
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,635
You see what Brian did there?
237
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:54,720
He kept his cool,
238
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,263
avoided eye contact,
239
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,431
and he lied.
240
00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,099
Great job, Brian!
241
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,434
Now, let's see here.
242
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,979
I'm assuming you've all had your
mandatory three-way... da-da-da.
243
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,480
Tank tops are optional.
244
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,565
Welp, that's it!
245
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:11,069
Just make sure you all download
Rascal Flatts' greatest hits,
246
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:13,238
and I will see you
out on the water!
247
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,288
Okay.
248
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,000
Mornin', everyone.
249
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,920
Oh, look at this, the family
all gathered around the galley.
250
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:30,839
Okay.
251
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:33,050
Anyone happen to catch the
dew point this morning?
252
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,885
It's super-important
that I know that now.
253
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,473
A pal of mine up in Gloucester says
they were seeing 3-foot swells.
254
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,642
I'll tell ya, that'll make
you blow your groceries, boy!
255
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,898
So, you're diggin'
the boat life, huh?
256
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,905
You ever gonna get this
thing on the water?
257
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,989
"On the water."
258
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,074
I love...
259
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,785
I love how you land-walkers
talk about Big Blue.
260
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,704
You know, I've gotta say,
you changed your attitude
261
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,121
pretty quickly about this boat.
262
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,540
-What do you mean?
-You don't remember
263
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:05,624
knocking The Price is Right
264
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:09,044
as a consumerist ploy targeting
the idiot minds of America?
265
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,712
Nah, brah, I've
just been chillin'.
266
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,214
You are such a hypocrite!
267
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,132
You pretend to have
a social conscience,
268
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,802
but in the end, you're just an
opportunistic piece of crap!
269
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,346
Oh, yeah? Would an
opportunistic piece of crap
270
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,139
call his boat this?
271
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,518
Wow! You're totally
just virtue signaling!
272
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,061
You put a pun on
the back of a boat
273
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,272
and suddenly you're an
ally to women everywhere?
274
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,566
And what are you doing
for humanity today?
275
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,026
You really are the worst
kind of person, Brian.
276
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,238
Well, except a person you work
with that just had surgery.
277
00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:43,370
Ah, you looked at it, now
we have to talk about it!
278
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:54,840
And, of course, the last stop on
the tour is our newest exhibit...
279
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,008
the Banksy.
280
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:57,092
As you can see,
281
00:11:57,176 --> 00:12:00,679
the beauty of the image juxtaposed
against the grotesque body
282
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:04,892
is representative of the
incoherence of art itself.
283
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:09,062
Is the Charleston Chew in
his pocket part of the art?
284
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,439
No, he shouldn't have that!
285
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:11,815
Aw!
286
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:15,277
All right, guys, no more orgasm
sounds when you see naked paintings.
287
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,821
Let's try to focus
on the brush strokes.
288
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,741
Oh, my God, this
is so embarrassing!
289
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:21,825
It's fine, Chris.
290
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,328
A lot of kids your age
have visible panty lines.
291
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,039
No, VPL is part of my ensemble.
292
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:29,041
I'm talking about my dad!
293
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,543
Dad, do you have to be here?
294
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,712
Can't you go to the
bathroom or something?
295
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,797
Nah, if I gotta go, they
put a black tent over me
296
00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:37,382
like if they gotta
shoot a horse.
297
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,468
Is everything all
right over here?
298
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,595
-Yeah, I'm just talking to my son.
-Oh!
299
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,555
I thought it was a
big woman from behind.
300
00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:45,182
Excuse me?
301
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:49,186
Listen, there's been a lot of interest
in the piece from private investors.
302
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,938
I'm Chris, by the way.
303
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,023
Would you ever consider
going up for auction?
304
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,233
How would that even work?
305
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:56,485
Well, the winner would
have you go and exist
306
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:57,820
as part of their
private collection.
307
00:12:57,903 --> 00:13:00,906
You would be sort
of a "living art."
308
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,492
There would be a lot
of money in it for you.
309
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,744
I've seen these things
go for millions.
310
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:06,954
Millions, huh?
311
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,748
Well, with that kind of dough,
I could finally be my own boss!
312
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,376
Oh, God, the boss is coming.
313
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,460
Hey, Peter.
314
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,504
I see you're wearing
the pants I gave you.
315
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,172
-Yeah.
-Good.
316
00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:18,382
Good, good, good, good, good.
317
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,468
Just so you know, you're
doing all the right things.
318
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,262
Hey, Peter.
319
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,597
I see you're wearing
the pants I gave you.
320
00:13:25,681 --> 00:13:27,641
Good, good, good, good, good.
321
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,856
All right, so what's
this all about now?
322
00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:34,940
You called me out,
323
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:38,110
so now I'm gonna show you
that I'm not just all talk.
324
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,611
-What are you saying?
-I'm saying...
325
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:42,030
I'm gonna take the
Row V. Wade to Texas
326
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:44,950
and bring back women who want
to safely have abortions!
327
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,076
Well, that's great, Brian!
328
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,537
Maybe even Popeye will
help us sail down there.
329
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,248
Life begins at conception.
330
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:54,084
Not a choice, it's a child.
331
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,669
Okay, I guess no Popeye.
332
00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:03,385
Wait a minute, Brian,
this is insane!
333
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:06,513
You really think you're going to rescue
women who want to have abortions?
334
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:07,639
Well, women or girls.
335
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:08,807
It is Texas.
336
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,226
All right, I gotta see what
a disaster this becomes.
337
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,394
I'm going with you.
338
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:15,355
Plus, it's supposed to be 75
today and I could use some color.
339
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:18,108
So, you just assume this is
going to be a disaster, huh?
340
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:20,152
How... how come you never
root for me to succeed?
341
00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,613
Because we're very
good friends, Brian.
342
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:25,574
Now come on, buddy, let's go
see your thing turn to crud.
343
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,873
Peter, you are not gonna auction
yourself off, whatever that means!
344
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583
Don't you see,
Lois? This is it!
345
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:35,667
Our meal ticket!
346
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:36,835
Peter, no!
347
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:40,380
We need a present and attentive
father for Chris, Meg, and Stewie,
348
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,549
who I'm sure is in the
house here somewhere
349
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,801
or at the very least
certainly on dry land.
350
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,471
Look, I'm sure wherever I
go, you guys can come visit.
351
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,680
Maybe even live there!
352
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:50,098
I will think of you every day
353
00:14:50,182 --> 00:14:52,518
when I'm hanging on the
wall of that probably Arab.
354
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,769
Peter, I...
355
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,145
I like our life!
356
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:57,064
And, frankly, I want
to see it go back
357
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:59,775
to the way it was before
this stupid painting.
358
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,943
"Stupid painting"?
359
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,946
-Ugh, just so sad.
-What?
360
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,948
You've always been
jealous of my success.
361
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,032
What success?
362
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,325
Something happened to you!
363
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,743
And very recently!
364
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,078
I see what's going on.
365
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:13,539
This is because I had an
emotional affair with my trainer.
366
00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:16,542
Peter, I'm the one who had an
emotional affair with my trainer.
367
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:19,253
You had a traumatic response
and pretended it was you.
368
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,171
And you'll never forgive
me for it, will you?
369
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,597
All right, time to
find us some preggos.
370
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:32,850
That quote's going
on the statue of you.
371
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:33,934
Pregnant?
372
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,978
Abortion? Need an abortion?
373
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:38,021
I'm sorry, what did you say?
374
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,899
I'm offering safe refuge for
anyone who wants an abortion.
375
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:45,362
Oh, my God, I thought
you said "Astros suck."
376
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,656
-Yeah, sure, I'll take an abortion!
-Awesome!
377
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:50,034
Do you know any other pregnant
women who don't want to have a baby?
378
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,201
Oh, sure, lots.
379
00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:52,286
I'll go get 'em.
380
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,370
Great, just meet us here...
381
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,081
Ugh, here comes a
sad, oil-covered bird.
382
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,543
Are y'all here for the
Dawn dish soap commercial?
383
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:00,627
Uh, no.
384
00:16:00,711 --> 00:16:01,712
Oh.
385
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,089
Well, I'll be on my way then.
386
00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:08,010
Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.
387
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,473
Very small food?
388
00:16:13,557 --> 00:16:14,766
Do you have anything smaller?
389
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,018
I'm very rich.
390
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:18,228
All right, the next
item up for bid
391
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:20,355
is "A Change Perhaps..."
392
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:21,940
By Banksy.
393
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,319
Hey, why does he have
a Charleston Chew?
394
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:27,002
You said we're not
supposed to have them.
395
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:28,614
Aw.
396
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:31,033
Why don't we start the bidding
at one million dollars?
397
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,702
Okay, one million to
James Bottomtooth.
398
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,916
Oh, I'm sorry, $1.5 million.
399
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,001
I have 1.5, do I hear 2?
400
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,294
Two million?
401
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,756
Two million. Two and
a half? 2.5... 3.
402
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,758
Three million, going
once, going twice...
403
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:50,802
Sol...
404
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,236
You're not going anywhere!
405
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:10,864
If I have to live out this miserable
life, I'm not doing it alone!
406
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:12,783
It's ruined!
407
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,493
She's ruined the Banksy!
408
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:15,827
Arrest this woman!
409
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:19,456
Wait! Banksy just posted
something to his Instagram!
410
00:17:23,502 --> 00:17:24,503
Don't you see!
411
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:26,922
This is the art! Us!
412
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,257
All of this!
413
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,384
Banksy knew that
this would happen?
414
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:34,930
Yes, he knew this man would abandon
his family for the highest price!
415
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:37,307
Brilliant! It's a
comment on capitalism
416
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:40,018
as a dividing force in
marital relationships!
417
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:43,105
I've actually got an
art boner right now.
418
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,774
Only happened one other time.
419
00:17:47,693 --> 00:17:49,444
Really, no follow-up questions?
420
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:52,239
Art boner story going
once, going twice...
421
00:17:53,282 --> 00:17:54,992
Aw, you people are no fun.
422
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,702
Wait, am I still worth anything?
423
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:59,496
I suppose if someone
wanted to pay for you, yes.
424
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,541
Stop breathing so loud!
425
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,543
I can't hear what
NCIS is saying.
426
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,628
I don't think his name is NCIS.
427
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:07,713
Shut up, art!
428
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,677
I didn't think about what it
would be like to be on the ocean
429
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,387
with 12 pregnant women.
430
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:20,559
Still waiting on
my tomato juice!
431
00:18:20,642 --> 00:18:21,727
Right, yes, I'm on it.
432
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,562
I'm very sensitive to smells.
433
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:24,938
Could you turn that off?
434
00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:27,149
-The... the ocean?
-Yeah.
435
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:28,442
I'll see what I can do.
436
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,653
My Lord, how did they get
pregnant in the first place?
437
00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:33,363
Gimme a sec. I gotta
ask Lois to look up
438
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:35,282
where the abortion
clinics are in Quahog.
439
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:38,118
-Hello?
-Meg!
440
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:40,162
Is your mom there? I... I
need to ask her something.
441
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:42,873
No, Dad got sold as a
piece of art to Grandpa,
442
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,499
so she's over there
dealing with that.
443
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:47,336
Oh. Peter got sold as a
piece of art this week.
444
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,755
Okay, so we're
definitely the A-story.
445
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,049
Listen, Stewie and I
are on the Row V. Wade,
446
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:55,135
smuggling pregnant women from Texas
to get abortions in Rhode Island.
447
00:18:55,219 --> 00:18:56,428
Oh!
448
00:18:56,512 --> 00:19:00,015
Brian and Stewie are bringing pregnant
women back from Texas to get abortions.
449
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:03,769
Oh, then our babysitting business
is definitely the A-story.
450
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:05,813
Can you look up where all
the abortion clinics are?
451
00:19:05,896 --> 00:19:06,897
Oh, I got you.
452
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,649
There's two or three on Route 6,
453
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:11,360
one on Westbridge, and
there's one in Smithfield
454
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:13,195
that has a great
Nespresso machine.
455
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,738
You could try the
Bargain 'Borts,
456
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,240
but the bathrooms are gross.
457
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,407
Great, thank you, Meg!
458
00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:20,244
Oh, by the way, Brian, you
got a call from the IRS.
459
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,580
Apparently you owe $40,000
in taxes on the boat.
460
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:24,790
-What?
-Yeah.
461
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:27,209
Game show prizes have to
be declared as income.
462
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:30,796
This unknown rule has destroyed
a lot of middle American lives.
463
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,089
Ugh, all right, thanks.
464
00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:35,008
Where the hell am I
gonna get $40,000?
465
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:36,927
You want me to start
dancing again, hey?
466
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,012
-Get Stewie back up on the pole?
-What?
467
00:19:39,096 --> 00:19:41,432
No, that would never be a thought
that would enter into my mind.
468
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,225
Coulda said, "Thanks
for the offer."
469
00:19:43,308 --> 00:19:45,143
You know, there's a law in Texas
470
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,771
that if you turn in someone
who's trying to get an abortion,
471
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,189
they give you 10 grand.
472
00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:51,191
You're an absolute monster.
473
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,360
-What do we got, 12 of them?
-Yup.
474
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,070
We turn in four, pay the taxes,
475
00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,573
boat's ours, and we've
still helped eight women.
476
00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:58,657
Right.
477
00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,033
-What?
-I don't know.
478
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:02,870
Might be nice to have an
extra 10k lying around.
479
00:20:02,953 --> 00:20:04,913
All right, we turn
in five, help seven,
480
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:06,790
still a pretty
great thing we did.
481
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:07,875
So, who do we turn in?
482
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:09,585
I mean, Gina's been horrible.
483
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:10,669
Yup, Gina's gone.
484
00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:13,755
You know, Stacy snapped at me when
I asked her to take off her shoes.
485
00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:16,466
-Buh-bye.
-Sarah told me I have a "girl shirt,"
486
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:17,968
so I'd rather never
see her again.
487
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,052
Good enough for me.
488
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:21,514
Wait... wait a second. Let's be
clear about what we're doing here.
489
00:20:21,597 --> 00:20:24,641
We're talking about potentially having
taken these women to get abortions
490
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:26,435
and then turning
them in for bounties.
491
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:29,518
I mean, are we actually the kind of
people who would do something like that?
492
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,441
Leanne "shushed" me.
493
00:20:37,988 --> 00:20:41,450
Well, I gotta say, I'm glad
everything's back to normal.
494
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:44,119
Yeah, I just wish I closed my
eyes when you threw the paint.
495
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:46,538
I feel like I'd rather
smell than see anyway.
496
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:48,957
Chris, go wash your feet.
497
00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:51,919
And I think you and I learned
a valuable lesson this week.
498
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:53,629
Oh, yeah. Never get a boat.
499
00:20:57,216 --> 00:20:59,092
And... and the bounty thing.
37683
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