Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

Stewie Griffin, come on down!

You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!

Turn that show off.

Whoa, what's your problem, bud?

You got a problem with Right?

First of all, nobody calls it that.

Second of all, yes, I have a problem with The Price is Right.

For 35 years, the host of that show

told everyone to cut our marbles off.

"Barker" my ass.

C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,

and he bought the writers lunch during the strike,

so we're not gonna tell jokes about him, per se.

-We're not gonna talk about his weight? -Nope.

How about that he seems constitutionally unable to open his eyes fully?

That, too, is off limits.

So, then we won't say that he looks like

SNL motivational speaker Matt Foley

who started Ozempic and then gave up?

Nope. Not on this program.

The Price is Right is coming to New York!

Visit our website for more information

on how to be a contestant.

Brian, did you hear that?

Let's go!

What? No way.

C'mon, we could be there and back in a day!

I didn't ask you

because you said you hate New York.

His mom's got Covid, so he's a little on edge.

Oh, it's like the most mild case.

Anyway, New York!

Since the beer's expired,

I need you to sign this waiver

saying that if anything happens, it's not my fault.

I'm just gonna write "Peter."

I don't know how to do a autograph yet.

Oh, man, this is awesome!

We're gonna get so trashed tonight!

Yeah, let's rip it up!

Ah, nothin' hits the spot like a warm

dust-covered can of beer.

All right, Cleveland, you can do it.

You can tell them that you promised your wife

you're not drinking this month.

They're your friends, and they'll respect your decision

to honor a marital request.

And if not,

you're a grown man and don't need their approval anyway.

-Beer? -Hell yeah!

Hard alcohol was the main problem, anyway.

You'll at least take a month off from that.

-Shots? -I'm down!

What are you wearing that for?

Ups my chances of getting on the stage.

They love military people.

Thank you so much for your service.

Oh, yeah, you bet.

-Semper fi. -Oh, okay.

Look at all these slobs trying to get free crap.

I don't feel bad for tricking those people.

They can get on another show,

like Very Greased Wheel of Fortune.

All right, David, you're up.

Keep clapping!

He... hello?

Non-stop Providence to Charlotte?

Yeah, tell traffic control I'll be there.

Hey, can you send a car? I... I don't think I can drive.

God, I must've passed out.

Hey, you've got some kind of drawing on your face.

Is it a dong?

Quagmire always frickin' dongs me.

No, it's like a hand twirling a fancy mustache...

Wait, don't rub that off!

Peter, I think that might be a Banksy!

-A what? -A Banksy!

He's this world-famous artist that keeps his identity a secret.

Why would he do that?

'Cause, you know how whenever you see

a famous modern artist walking down the street,

you're like, "Hey, there's that famous modern artist,

and I got all types of inquiries about modern art."

Banksy's just a regular guy.

His wife puts his pants on one leg at a time,

just like you and me.

Well, I better get home, wash this thing off my face.

Don't wash it off!

It's probably worth a lot of money.

Cleveland Brown, you get your butt home right now!

Donna, I... I think somebody spiked my O'Doul's!

I can't believe we're actually here!

Hey... hey, what do you think the caption should be?

"So... this happened,"

or "Scorchin' it!"?

Yeah, "Scorchin' it!" is kinda Joe's thing.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Like I sit around and try to copy Joe.

You got "Rip it up" from Joe.

I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.

Is he a gigantic influence on me?

Do I love Joe?

God, look at all these shrieking idiots.

How empty are their lives if this gets them that excited?

Our next contestant on The Price is Right is

Brian Griffin.

Come on down!

Aah! It's me... it's me!

What the hell! I served in Iraq or... or whatever.

That's me! They called my name!

Zoomies!

Joke's on him, he won't know any of this stuff.

Okay, welcome up, Brian.

George, tell us about our next item up for bids.

It's a brand-new day bed for the modern writer dog!

Cut his marbles off, Drew!

Mary, why don't you get us started?

Uh, I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know, um,

$6,000?

I, too, have never heard of such a thing.

$12?

$6,001.

$289.99, Drew.

Actual retail price...

$289.99.

Brian, you're the winner!

An exact bid!

Brian's a legend!

Oh, I'm back on board!

That means, Brian, you'll be in today's "Showcase Showdown."

And jealous Stewie is back.

Is it weird watching this show

while you're not ironing, you wretched hag?

Sorry, I'm... I'm mad about something else.

Brian, the actual retail price of your showcase is...

$29,232.

That means, Brian Griffin,

you've won today's "Showcase Showdown"!

I won a boat!

Congratulations, Brian.

Anyone you want to say hi to out there?

There sure is. I wanna say hi to my best bud, Stewie.

Aww.

Stewie Grimaldi.

What?

Hey, Ma, Brian just mentioned me!

What's he wanna mention you for?

Ma!

Look at this guy!

Scorchin' it!

She's a beaut, Brian. What kinda fuel you puttin' in this puppy?

Um... boat fuel?

Yup, that's just about my knowledge of boats, too.

Got a lot of great memories on boats.

Would you like to hear about each one, Brian?

Oh, you know, I would, but, I... it's just, I got...

I got a lot of boat stuff I gotta do.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Sure, sure, yeah, I bet.

Cleaning lady's at the house, and I'm not sure what to do.

That should have been my boat.

Fine, Rupert.

I feel that should've been my boat.

See, I can weaponize therapy, too.

Good evening. Our top story,

attractive field reporter returns from maternity leave.

Let's see if she snapped back.

Thanks, Tom. Tensions rise on the Senate floor, as...

Not bad.

Not great, but not bad.

In other news, Quahog resident Peter Griffin

awoke to find an original Banksy drawn onto his face.

The artist shared a photo of the piece on his Instagram this morning,

claiming authorship.

What was your reaction when you found out it was a Banksy?

Well, in my day, graffiti wasn't street art, it was a crime.

And these lawless thugs...

This isn't the Fox News interview.

Oh, well, then I thought it was neat.

Art is important and I like pictures.

-Peter Griffin? -Yeah?

I'm the curator for the Quahog Urban Museum.

Oh, I love the QUM!

Thank you, we always enjoy hearing that.

Listen, it's not often that a museum gets to display a Banksy.

We'd love for you to come be an exhibit at the museum.

Wow, me?

At a museum?

Free lunches? Tons of chicks?

An assistant to fetch the lunches and bring the chick tons?

We'll be in touch with all the details. Good day.

Why didn't you introduce us to him?

Chris, bite your strap!

Peter, are you sure about this museum business?

What about your job?

I know this is hard, Lois,

but this is what we've always talked about since this morning.

-But Peter... -Look, Lois,

I'm never gonna be able to say this right.

But you know who will?

Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

Lois, let me tell you somethin'.

I am clearly the worst first half coach in the history of high-school football,

and that enables me to make halftime speeches like this.

Now, Lois,

this ain't just about football.

Peter's not the brightest, and he ain't the best lookin'.

Heck, I don't even know how he gets his shoes on in the morning.

But a guy drew on his face, and that means somethin'.

Now let's get out there and show this tiny Texas town

what big-city modern art is all about!

Let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Gentlemen, you are all here because you want to get your boat license.

By the end of this course,

you will be able to take a sip from a Bud Light can with one hand

and push a lever forward with the other.

Between the can and the lever, how are we supposed to smoke a cigarette?

Sir, it's a three-hour course.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Now, let's do a little role-playing.

Brian, come on up here.

Now, pretend I'm the Coast Guard

and I've just flagged you down.

"Sir, how many drinks have you had today?"

Uh, I don't know, one or two.

We got a pro here!

You see what Brian did there?

He kept his cool,

avoided eye contact,

and he lied.

Great job, Brian!

Now, let's see here.

I'm assuming you've all had your mandatory three-way... da-da-da.

Tank tops are optional.

Welp, that's it!

Just make sure you all download Rascal Flatts' greatest hits,

and I will see you out on the water!

Okay.

Mornin', everyone.

Oh, look at this, the family all gathered around the galley.

Okay.

Anyone happen to catch the dew point this morning?

It's super-important that I know that now.

A pal of mine up in Gloucester says they were seeing 3-foot swells.

I'll tell ya, that'll make you blow your groceries, boy!

So, you're diggin' the boat life, huh?

You ever gonna get this thing on the water?

"On the water."

I love...

I love how you land-walkers talk about Big Blue.

You know, I've gotta say, you changed your attitude

pretty quickly about this boat.

-What do you mean? -You don't remember

knocking The Price is Right

as a consumerist ploy targeting the idiot minds of America?

Nah, brah, I've just been chillin'.

You are such a hypocrite!

You pretend to have a social conscience,

but in the end, you're just an opportunistic piece of crap!

Oh, yeah? Would an opportunistic piece of crap

call his boat this?

Wow! You're totally just virtue signaling!

You put a pun on the back of a boat

and suddenly you're an ally to women everywhere?

And what are you doing for humanity today?

You really are the worst kind of person, Brian.

Well, except a person you work with that just had surgery.

Ah, you looked at it, now we have to talk about it!

And, of course, the last stop on the tour is our newest exhibit...

the Banksy.

As you can see,

the beauty of the image juxtaposed against the grotesque body

is representative of the incoherence of art itself.

Is the Charleston Chew in his pocket part of the art?

No, he shouldn't have that!

Aw!

All right, guys, no more orgasm sounds when you see naked paintings.

Let's try to focus on the brush strokes.

Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing!

It's fine, Chris.

A lot of kids your age have visible panty lines.

No, VPL is part of my ensemble.

I'm talking about my dad!

Dad, do you have to be here?

Can't you go to the bathroom or something?

Nah, if I gotta go, they put a black tent over me

like if they gotta shoot a horse.

Is everything all right over here?

-Yeah, I'm just talking to my son. -Oh!

I thought it was a big woman from behind.

Excuse me?

Listen, there's been a lot of interest in the piece from private investors.

I'm Chris, by the way.

Would you ever consider going up for auction?

How would that even work?

Well, the winner would have you go and exist

as part of their private collection.

You would be sort of a "living art."

There would be a lot of money in it for you.

I've seen these things go for millions.

Millions, huh?

Well, with that kind of dough, I could finally be my own boss!

Oh, God, the boss is coming.

Hey, Peter.

I see you're wearing the pants I gave you.

-Yeah. -Good.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Just so you know, you're doing all the right things.

Hey, Peter.

I see you're wearing the pants I gave you.

Good, good, good, good, good.

All right, so what's this all about now?

You called me out,

so now I'm gonna show you that I'm not just all talk.

-What are you saying? -I'm saying...

I'm gonna take the Row V. Wade to Texas

and bring back women who want to safely have abortions!

Well, that's great, Brian!

Maybe even Popeye will help us sail down there.

Life begins at conception.

Not a choice, it's a child.

Okay, I guess no Popeye.

Wait a minute, Brian, this is insane!

You really think you're going to rescue women who want to have abortions?

Well, women or girls.

It is Texas.

All right, I gotta see what a disaster this becomes.

I'm going with you.

Plus, it's supposed to be 75 today and I could use some color.

So, you just assume this is going to be a disaster, huh?

How... how come you never root for me to succeed?

Because we're very good friends, Brian.

Now come on, buddy, let's go see your thing turn to crud.

Peter, you are not gonna auction yourself off, whatever that means!

Don't you see, Lois? This is it!

Our meal ticket!

Peter, no!

We need a present and attentive father for Chris, Meg, and Stewie,

who I'm sure is in the house here somewhere

or at the very least certainly on dry land.

Look, I'm sure wherever I go, you guys can come visit.

Maybe even live there!

I will think of you every day

when I'm hanging on the wall of that probably Arab.

Peter, I...

I like our life!

And, frankly, I want to see it go back

to the way it was before this stupid painting.

"Stupid painting"?

-Ugh, just so sad. -What?

You've always been jealous of my success.

What success?

Something happened to you!

And very recently!

I see what's going on.

This is because I had an emotional affair with my trainer.

Peter, I'm the one who had an emotional affair with my trainer.

You had a traumatic response and pretended it was you.

And you'll never forgive me for it, will you?

All right, time to find us some preggos.

That quote's going on the statue of you.

Pregnant?

Abortion? Need an abortion?

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm offering safe refuge for anyone who wants an abortion.

Oh, my God, I thought you said "Astros suck."

-Yeah, sure, I'll take an abortion! -Awesome!

Do you know any other pregnant women who don't want to have a baby?

Oh, sure, lots.

I'll go get 'em.

Great, just meet us here...

Ugh, here comes a sad, oil-covered bird.

Are y'all here for the Dawn dish soap commercial?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Well, I'll be on my way then.

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.

Very small food?

Do you have anything smaller?

I'm very rich.

All right, the next item up for bid

is "A Change Perhaps..."

By Banksy.

Hey, why does he have a Charleston Chew?

You said we're not supposed to have them.

Aw.

Why don't we start the bidding at one million dollars?

Okay, one million to James Bottomtooth.

Oh, I'm sorry, $1.5 million.

I have 1.5, do I hear 2?

Two million?

Two million. Two and a half? 2.5... 3.

Three million, going once, going twice...

Sol...

You're not going anywhere!

If I have to live out this miserable life, I'm not doing it alone!

It's ruined!

She's ruined the Banksy!

Arrest this woman!

Wait! Banksy just posted something to his Instagram!

Don't you see!

This is the art! Us!

All of this!

Banksy knew that this would happen?

Yes, he knew this man would abandon his family for the highest price!

Brilliant! It's a comment on capitalism

as a dividing force in marital relationships!

I've actually got an art boner right now.

Only happened one other time.

Really, no follow-up questions?

Art boner story going once, going twice...

Aw, you people are no fun.

Wait, am I still worth anything?

I suppose if someone wanted to pay for you, yes.

Stop breathing so loud!

I can't hear what NCIS is saying.

I don't think his name is NCIS.

Shut up, art!

I didn't think about what it would be like to be on the ocean

with 12 pregnant women.

Still waiting on my tomato juice!

Right, yes, I'm on it.

I'm very sensitive to smells.

Could you turn that off?

-The... the ocean? -Yeah.

I'll see what I can do.

My Lord, how did they get pregnant in the first place?

Gimme a sec. I gotta ask Lois to look up

where the abortion clinics are in Quahog.

-Hello? -Meg!

Is your mom there? I... I need to ask her something.

No, Dad got sold as a piece of art to Grandpa,

so she's over there dealing with that.

Oh. Peter got sold as a piece of art this week.

Okay, so we're definitely the A-story.

Listen, Stewie and I are on the Row V. Wade,

smuggling pregnant women from Texas to get abortions in Rhode Island.

Oh!

Brian and Stewie are bringing pregnant women back from Texas to get abortions.

Oh, then our babysitting business is definitely the A-story.

Can you look up where all the abortion clinics are?

Oh, I got you.

There's two or three on Route 6,

one on Westbridge, and there's one in Smithfield

that has a great Nespresso machine.

You could try the Bargain 'Borts,

but the bathrooms are gross.

Great, thank you, Meg!

Oh, by the way, Brian, you got a call from the IRS.

Apparently you owe $40,000 in taxes on the boat.

-What? -Yeah.

Game show prizes have to be declared as income.

This unknown rule has destroyed a lot of middle American lives.

Ugh, all right, thanks.

Where the hell am I gonna get $40,000?

You want me to start dancing again, hey?

-Get Stewie back up on the pole? -What?

No, that would never be a thought that would enter into my mind.

Coulda said, "Thanks for the offer."

You know, there's a law in Texas

that if you turn in someone who's trying to get an abortion,

they give you 10 grand.

You're an absolute monster.

-What do we got, 12 of them? -Yup.

We turn in four, pay the taxes,

boat's ours, and we've still helped eight women.

Right.

-What? -I don't know.

Might be nice to have an extra 10k lying around.

All right, we turn in five, help seven,

still a pretty great thing we did.

So, who do we turn in?

I mean, Gina's been horrible.

Yup, Gina's gone.

You know, Stacy snapped at me when I asked her to take off her shoes.

-Buh-bye. -Sarah told me I have a "girl shirt,"

so I'd rather never see her again.

Good enough for me.

Wait... wait a second. Let's be clear about what we're doing here.

We're talking about potentially having taken these women to get abortions

and then turning them in for bounties.

I mean, are we actually the kind of people who would do something like that?

Leanne "shushed" me.

Well, I gotta say, I'm glad everything's back to normal.

Yeah, I just wish I closed my eyes when you threw the paint.

I feel like I'd rather smell than see anyway.

Chris, go wash your feet.

And I think you and I learned a valuable lesson this week.

Oh, yeah. Never get a boat.

And... and the bounty thing.