Original subtitles

♫ Ain't I fair ain't I kind

♫ And I'm paid to feel fine

♫ But I haven't spent a dime

♫ Since I met you

♫ Your breasts are like two wrists

♫ That I've handcuffed to my dick

♫ In a subculture of love and refraction

♫ But I die every morning again

♫ Me at my worst is fun for them

♫ And I die with the feeding tube

♫ While you try to fix my blues

♫ Your city is so unclean

♫ In a Washington machine

♫ And your face is like a cage and two of them

♫ And your sentiment is gone

♫ And you're now enslaved by gods

♫ While I strum my broken legs like a banjo

♫ But I die every morning again

♫ Me at my worst is fun for them

♫ And I die with the feeding tube

♫ While you try to fix my blues ♫

- "Phoning in the Blues,"

Zintendo Records, take 15.

Rolling.

♫ I'm phoning in the blues

♫ Cuz my life ain't stalling

♫ The phone just rang

♫ To say the blues ain't calling

♫ I thought that I'd always called it like I saw it

♫ I've got the blues and I know just how to call 'em

♫ Baby that's how they call the blues

♫ I'm phoning in the blues ♫

Wait cut, cut.

Aladdin, are you okay?

- I honestly feel that I'm deaf to my own soul.

- You remind me of somebody who's about to get fired.

- I'm just trying to pinpoint the moment

that I lost my mojo.

- That's when you started getting drunk?

- I get drunk so that I can continue my research.

- You told me that you spent 30,000 spacebux on cocaine.

- I only take cocaine to go to Brooklyn,

besides it helps me phone in the blues.

- Zintendo has been a company since medieval times,

always on the forefront of innovation.

We invented flesh cubes, flesh digits,

faggot rock, houseface.

In your case, we are not going to continually

press the same button expecting a different result.

- Okay, Ms. President, so will I be judged

and discarded at the hands of a corporation?

- Have a seat.

I passed a diner on my way into Regular Town

that serves shit sandwiches, so I got you one.

I hope you enjoy it.

- You're delivering me a shit sandwich

and you hope that I enjoy it?

- [Both] Uh-huh.

- But Farmer Dave, you made me change my name to Aladdin

for my ninth album.

- C'mon, let's try another take of the song.

♫ People say I'm the nature of the clown

♫ They say can't hold anything down

♫ If it's true will you help me cheat on you

♫ If it's true will you help me cheat on you

♫ What I know on your secrecy depends

♫ Treating every girl as my girlfriend

♫ When I do is it healthy being through

♫ If we do will you help me cheat on you

♫ Because my hope Is a vision unruly

♫ And people say I'm the nature of the clown but

♫ I'm not gonna kiss you I'm not gonna kiss you

♫ I'm not gonna kiss you I'm not gonna kiss you

♫ Unless you want me to

♫ So you want me to woo hoo ♫

- [Princess Barbara] No, I'm not!

- You will get married to a Prince!

- Stop trying to bully me

when you have no idea what's in my heart!

- Even if it is just symbolic,

it must happen.

- Great Sultan, with all due respect,

perhaps we just need to get her the right drugs,

Your Majesty.

We are developing things all the time.

This is one of the protesters we arrested,

he's from a rebel group called Magical America.

- What is he charged with?

- We have Internet evidence

that he pursued being gay and failed.

- I wish that I was bisexual.

- There is a prison inside all of us, yeah.

- Hey Dad, do you think that I'm a criminal too?

- Princess Barbara!

It is the law that if you are not married in a month,

I have to execute you.

- So that we can film the second season

of your 'Virtual Reality Show?'

Love is not a savage form of publicity, besides,

I like to fuck average people.

- We are fighting the war on privacy,

the Virtual Reality Show is the next frontier.

- Normally I advocate Internet removal

for this type of thing.

However in this special case...

- What is so special about this case?

- Well, Your Majesty,

he didn't have to act like he had a big dick.

- Thou shalt not advertise falsely.

- I didn't have to act like I had a big dick.

- Goodbye, Mister.

- It just bores me to chairs.

- I like everything, some things I like a lot,

and other things I just like.

- King of kings, in accordance with your wishes,

all exposed people will now be developed!

- So long, guys.

- [Emily] Hey, Laddy, hey!

Long story short, your father's dead,

and I told you so.

They emailed me from Africa.

- To announce the death of the monster

who forgot about us?

- He/She didn't forget about us,

they sent a check every week since the two of you were born,

though I guess now that's going to stop.

Could you hold my cigarette for me?

- Hey, how was your film class?

- Hmm, it was awesome!

I'm gonna make a movie about our family.

- Is that what you think is cool now, Emily?

Making movies?

- If you play my mom real good in the movie,

I'll let you be my mom in real life.

Why are you smiling?

You're still ugly.

- Hey, Laddy, check out this camera I got!

- Is your goal to wear me out and make me sentimental?

- I want to make a profound documentary.

The entire working world

is either on probation or unemployed,

so there's never been a better time to make artwork!

I want this movie to be a cry for peace.

- This is a mining town.

These mountains are filled with baseball diamonds.

Your father, before he was a woman,

was a miner just like everybody else in Regular Town.

Well then, that Sultan came in from Hollywood.

Who put him in charge?

Yeah, I heard his father was a stunt-kid.

- The Sultan is God's grandson,

he is, according to e-history, the grandson of a god.

- C'mon, Laddy, let's go for a walk

and check out the protests.

- No! - C'mon!

- The protestors have been camping

outside the Sultan's castle for weeks,

they call themselves the Magical Americans.

They're an actual rebel army that does crazy stuff

that's gonna change the world.

Hey!

- Hey!

- Wouldn't it be amazing if we joined them?

- I only want to be bad enough to get spanked.

- Can I knick a fag mate, a ciggie?

- You know, we're not walking down the street for you.

- Where am I supposed to buy cigarettes

on an 8-Bit pixilated street, yeah?

Hey, not that it matters, but I used to be a big fan.

You still making music?

- Oh god!

- Let's go!

- Testing!

- [Crowd] Testing!

- Cheers, One, Two!

- [Crowd] Cheers, One, Two!

- Who out there is perverted by nerves?

- [Crowd] Who out there is perverted by nerves!

- Don't believe the hype that you're dead.

No gods allowed!

- [Crowd] No gods allowed!

- Maybe I'm a robot because I definitely feel dead.

- I think he's amazing.

It's better than being a sitting duck at home.

- But you are not dead yet, you gray, huddled masses,

stuck in this bureaucratic hell of secret government

and bad money,

all while your shadow is trying to eat you.

But if you aren't gray enough, or eaten enough,

or in debt enough, then he's gonna lock you up

for a few years in the Labyrinth of Lies.

We're all his pets!

- [Crowd] No Gods Allowed!

- No Gods Allowed!

- [Crowd] No Gods Allowed!

- Shit, CIA!

- You're all under arrest!

- Oh fuck!

- Follow me, quick!

- Okay!

- We have to correct the world's posture.

The world was meant to be beautiful!

- I've just arrived from Africa,

and I'm glad I found you when I did.

I'm your Uncle Gary!

- Uncle Gary?

Mom never told us we had an uncle.

- I've always wondered if Dad even knew I existed.

- Oh, he was very impressed by you...

no example.

Anyway, we spent years together

on the coffee house scene being entertainers.

- What happened, you guys just never hit it big?

- Oh, to me, pleasure's always been

the finest form of entertainment.

I convinced him to leave all the mining and seek fun.

- So at what point did Dad decide to become a lady?

- It was at the end of me, and the beginning of us.

- Huh?

- Let's go find your mother.

- Hi Mom, this is Uncle Gary from Africa.

He's here because Dad sent him.

- Well, Gary, thanks for coming by,

but it's a little much because I barely knew their father,

although he gave me twins and a few hangovers.

- Ah, but you would like some golden spacebux though.

Hmm?

As I said before, I'm just here to help,

and you'll find that I always keep my word.

- How did you know I collected gold?

- Gary, you are terrific because I was just saying

it's time for us to meet a rich person!

- That ought to cover your rent for a little while,

and look, my instinct is to protect you.

I am the protector of women from men.

And now, I'd like to prepare you a frittata.

- A frittata!

- We're fools, I'm from a family of fools.

- See, guys, all that nothingness

we've been doing is finally having some effect.

- Y'know, Aladdin,

- your father wanted me to impart some wisdom upon you,

just general life lessons, you know.

Tomorrow morning, I wanna take you

on a hike in the mountains, what do ya say?

- Hey, Laddy, I don't trust Uncle Gary.

Hang out with me tomorrow, will ya?

- Well, I see you're used to having your life

run by some little chick.

- No, I wear the pants, but they're her pants.

- Your father was never late,

but he did also not believe in being early.

Being early for something is an aggressive act in itself.

- I deny the date entirely.

What's the difference,

I'm an upper middle class pauper

about to get dropped from Zintendo Records,

I don't even subscribe to romance

outside the family tradition.

- Oh, wouldn't it be great

if we had an emotional stuntman for our hearts?

- What's up here, the Ten Commandments?

- Right now, we're in the high part of hell,

up there is the lowest part of heaven.

There's a mine up here your father used to work in

I'd like to show you.

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

- Uncle Gary, what's that?

Are we not supposed to be here?

- Yeah, this place is also a graveyard for aliens,

the Lumambrians.

- [Aladdin] The Lumambrians.

Are aliens natural?

- Sure, all technology is natural.

Look...

God equals Humans

divided by Nature plus Aliens.

♫ And then they make you smoke a bowl

♫ I've been switching cages and I need your ego glue

♫ We're in a world that runs on words

♫ And I'm some cannibal for you

♫ I don't believe that you broke everything

♫ I just believe each man is a lost king

♫ And I'm feeling sorry for someone else's plan ♫

- Hey, look, it's the old mineshaft

Do you have the key?

- It'll be dark soon.

Gather some wood, I'll build a fire.

As I said, this is a very special place.

Miners discovered things here, magical things.

Underneath this ground

is the stuff that makes up everything,

you know, the real star stuff!

Something I learned back in the days

when I was talking real fast in Cairo.

We start by globing the circle,

then cubing the globe,

and finally triangulating the cubic globe.

My, my! Ramaho! Niya! Niya!

- What's it for?

- It's the cave computer,

it's a sacred intelligence that begins and does not begin

with everlasting and never-lasting colored cords.

In the left corner, that's you.

That's me.

And at the bottom, that's what's down there.

- I've never seen anything like it,

how are you supposed to hold it?

- You've got to go down there and get it!

Go to the entrance of the mineshaft and say,

My, my! Ramaho! Niya! Niya!

- My, my! Ramaho! Niya! Niya!

- Each man is a lost king.

Inside this cave is a treasure

that will make us richer than a fugger, it's true!

Through that entrance

is the wreckage of an alien spacecraft.

Down the stairs, there are three rooms.

Walk straight through them and you will come to a garden

with beautiful trees and many treasures.

Cross the garden path and walk up many steps

to where a lamp is displayed on a fiery pedestal.

This is not an ordinary lamp.

Take the lamp and bring it to me.

- Why don't you do it?

- No, I can't.

This is your door.

Believe me when I say this door was made only for you.

- Aah!

♫ A nose cannot smell an eyeball but eyes can feel a nose

♫ Mystics say the Bible is God wearing paper clothes

♫ Don't you want to sit in a high chair

♫ Climb up the gravity stairs

♫ Don't you want to sit in a high high chair

♫ Where time cannot interfere

♫ Jesus was a baby Adam had sex with Eve

♫ When you make a baby you spray your geometry

♫ When you have a baby you're giving birth to me

♫ Arms are too short the legs are too wide

♫ And time is just a fantasy ♫

- I'm the guardian of the lamp.

- It looks like a gourd.

- If you wish to possess this lamp,

you must first answer this riddle correctly.

What is the most beautiful language in this world?

- The most beautiful language in this world

is sign language.

- The lamp is yours.

- The CIA!

Aladdin!

Aladdin!

Aladdin!

Aladdin, quick throw up the lamp!

- Uncle Gary, give me your hand and help me up.

- [Uncle Gary] I will, of course.

Just throw up the lamp first

so it doesn't get in your way.

I'm afraid we're out of time.

- [Aladdin] What the hell! Come back!

Lord, please forgive my transgressions.

What?

- You have a lot of nerve to drive me out of the lamp.

- It's true, I have a lot of gumption.

- What are you?

- I'm Mustafa, the interface of the lamp.

I'm the future as the present.

- Mustafa, can you save me?

- I can save you from your corporate fate

if we work together.

- I don't want to get involved in any monkey business.

- The lamp is a printer,

I can print you anything that you wish for,

but understand, unlike a gift,

a wish has more in common with a hole.

- I couldn't seem to imagine the depths

at which I wouldn't want a wish.

- Just let go of what you don't have.

- That's personal.

- Just let go of it.

- Okay, yeah.

Print me out a ladder and a key to that door.

- I've heard that you reject every prince,

no matter what, but I was curious

if your confidence masked a greater insecurity.

- No, I'm about as arrogant as I look.

- You look as if you are going to hate growing old.

- You waste of flesh, go home,

you can't win me

because you are not worth being made a fool over.

It's as simple as that.

Delete your face.

- Time is running out, Princess,

and you know what you haven't done.

- Mom, I'm not sure if Uncle Gary's really our uncle,

and also on that walk we took, he tried to kill me!

- Oh Aladdin, don't be so hard on him.

Uncle Gary is a complicated man,

but he's been very generous with us.

- But he was still trying to sacrifice me

on top of a mountain for a god.

- But he made me a great frittata.

- Look, check this out!

- Who's that?

- I'm the guy who knows what time it is.

- Mustafa, print us a luxury living room.

- Okee-dokee.

- Print us 10 million spacebux!

Wow, this is a lot, maybe too much stuff.

You know, some people like to go on the road,

but I'm the progenitor of the "Stay at Home" movement.

- Aladdin, you really are the world's greatest son.

Mwah!

- Everything's a number these days.

- Well, the bad news is that Magical America is bankrupt,

we are completely broke.

- Give us some good news, Ralph.

- Well, 15-Year-Old, the good news is that

ultimately we're all working for the Internet.

Preventing the Sultan and the CIA

from seizing control of e-history

is one way to subvert the doom spiral,

yet we have no resources.

- I'll do whatever I need to do to aid in that.

Hi, I'm Emily, I'm a fan.

- Hi, I'm 15-Year-Old.

- So, what does your graffiti stand for?

- Oh, it's Graffiti Stands For.

- I'd like to make a Fahrenheit 9/11-style documentary

about all the shit that's going down in Regular Town.

- We believe 9/11 was an accident.

- In general, our stance on creative endeavors

is that everyone's amazing,

so we have a strict no-masterpiece policy.

- Huh.

I can deal with that.

So, what's your stance on monogamy?

- Great Sultan, we prepared the technology report.

- Terrific!

First question, can you fuck it?

- We discovered a particle that responds to prayer.

- Why are people always trying to fix something

when there's nothing wrong?

Yes, yes, pray to Grandpa God.

- Also down at the lab, we've invented a robot.

It's a walking briefcase.

We call it the Storage Eunuch.

Your daughter seems to be quite fond of it.

- Bravo, bravo Gennaro Russo!

The promised age of leisure has arrived.

These robots, they will do all the work for us.

You know, I think I might still be it

from my last game of tag.

- [Aladdin] Hi, this is Aladdin, I'm not here right now.

Please don't leave a message, send a text.

- Aladdin, you decadent fool, pick up the phone.

- Ah, Princess Barbara, may I speak with you a moment,

do you have a meeting with the drama club?

- I'm going to the Chinese Dance.

- Oh no, it's just, do you know who I am?

- You're the head of the CIA.

- I'm far more than just an enabler

of your father's technophilia.

After a few drinks, I assure you

my face can become quite average.

- Gennaro Russo, what did I tell you about being cool?

- What I'm trying to say is

there may be an opposite world where pain is good.

- I left my keys in the Storage Eunuch,

and I'm off.

- Please allow me to accompany you, Barbara.

- Hey!

- Aye!

- You partying tonight?

- Aww, yeah, mate, what are we getting into?

- I was thinking about giving myself a little taste.

- Sure, mate, I've always justified it in the past meself.

I got some clean needles in me roadcase,

or maybe a bindle of beak perhaps.

- Gimme a bindle of beak,

you know, I'm going to the Chinese Dance.

- Nice one.

- Whoa!

- Ciao, Paesanos.

- Princess Barbara, mate, she's a well fit bird.

♫ Feel my love

♫ Coming from the heavens above ♫

- Fuck me, guy.

♫ When my eyes meet your eyes

♫ Baby come dance with me

- Try and drink this!

♫ I'm TV at the TV station

♫ Baby come dance with me

♫ Baby come dance with me

♫ I'm TV at the TV station

- Will you go on a date with me?

Yes, maybe, of course?

Of course.

A fountain pen is a serious aphrodisiac.

- I also have a headphone splitter.

- Your shirt looks like it has a big cock.

- Well, I'm hiding a genie in there,

so when's our date?

- Honestly, it's not going to happen,

my father will only let me go on a date with a prince.

- Great Sultan, there's a woman here to see you.

- A woman, I'm jealous of every woman I see.

Does she have poise?

- Is having poise the girl equivalent of being cool?

If so, she does not.

- Very well, let her in.

- Your Majesty, I'm a messenger

from a wealthy prince from a far away land

who wishes to ask your daughter on a date.

Additionally he has all the cool things that assholes own,

I beg you please do not delay his dream fulfillment.

Oh, also he asked me to deliver a note

to the Princess Barbara.

- Oh father,

maybe I would like to go on a date with this prince.

I've been thinking about it

and I may have been leading an inappropriate life.

- You tell your prince

he can have his date as soon as he brings 36 slaves,

handsome, well built,

and 36 laptop computers made of gold.

Golden computers...

- Your majesty, I think perhaps this suitor...

- What's the prince's name?

- He goes by Prince Average Cabbage.

♫ And I say uno dos

♫ Uno dos tres

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

♫ Bingo birthday bimbo bambo

♫ This is Aladdin's birthday mambo

♫ Jingo Django light the candles

♫ Aladdin's birthday mambo ♫

This hotel room comes with a complimentary Swedish roommate.

Will my butler please give her a bump of Pinocchio?

- Yeah, that's the good stuff, mate.

- We're going on a drunken spree!

I feel as dumb as a cool guy.

Let me just print out a condom.

Keep playing!

Keep playing!

- Hey Aladdin, so what were you saying before

about vaginal theory?

- Ah, vaginal theory, here goes.

A pussy is a vagina that comes pre-moistened,

and as it dries out, turns into a vagina again.

- I'm watching that pussy turn into a vagina

right before my very eyes, mate.

- A twat is something a 3-year-old has,

- and a cunt is a man's mouth where a vagina should be.

- You stupid cunts, cunts all of ya',

ha-ha, right, mate?

- Well, technically, that's just your perception

of the pieces.

- It's hard to keep me hungry.

Hey, let's drink another song and listen to another beer.

Hey, fellas, can I make a request?

Do you guys know how to play "Interested in Music?"

- We play an excellent 11-minute version.

Two three four.

♫ Are you interested in music

♫ You like to walk in town ♫

- Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

a royal prince, Average Cabbage!

- It's the next contestant on the Sultan's

virtual reality show!

Everything we used to call porn is now our culture.

- The Princess is a connoisseur of trash!

- I'm just a cool cat in a small town.

Ms. President?

- You look really stupid up there.

- I'm not stupid, I'm just inconclusive.

- Farmer Dave.

- Call me.

- Welcome to Primavera Palace.

- He spends his whole life sitting on that dildo.

- You remind me of somebody pretty.

- I'm clever to feel and expensive to love.

You remind me of somebody nice.

- Come with me on a flying rug ride!

- I like it up here away from all those cameras.

- Too many gods always blocking our view.

- Ciao, birds.

- Level after level of heaven after heaven,

I'm your Pegasus, dollface.

- I dare you to respect me more than I do you.

- Hmm, sexuality is imbalance,

perhaps it's nice to live in a world

dominated by gravity.

You see that traffic light?

I'm gonna get that for you.

And that bike, and that pickaxe,

I'm gonna get that for you too!

Mustafa, print us out a shit sandwich.

- Ha-ha!

- What is this, a shit sandwich?

Who gave this to us?

- Hey man, we don't want your shit sandwich!

Let's print out some ecstasy.

- I wonder what self-realization would mean

for a guy like me.

- It would probably be pretty ironic.

What does ironic mean anymore?

- Ironic is what comes after modern.

Everything after modern is ironic,

including all of e-history.

- If we had sex, would that be ironic?

- I think you're a big deal, Barbara,

I love you.

- You don't love me, it's just the ecstasy talking.

- No, no, not true, dollface.

If you keep on peeling off the layers,

you'll just discover a guy who wants to be with you.

I have an idea.

Mustafa, print us out a baby.

- Cute, what shall we name him?

- Let's call him Gizmo.

Hi, Gizmo.

- How many of these Aladdin passports

are we gonna make?

- Seven billion.

- Maybe his next album could come

with a free pack of cigarettes.

- Maybe his next album could be a pack of cigarettes.

He's just turned so massively nihilistic.

First with all the cocaine, and what's he even celebrating?

Well, I guess an artist is a captain at sea

just keeping a ledger.

- Artists are people who are constantly in search

of the reason why people like them.

Only in his own world can he feel handsome.

♫Do some blow with me do some blow with me

♫'Cause I could never withstand the light

♫ I'm back in Disneyland I'm back in Disneyland

♫ 'Cause I could never withstand the light

♫Of the day doing it all

♫I'm having a ball

♫I'm doing it all tonight

♫Do some blow with me do some blow with me

♫Well I'm looking for a friend who put a hole in me

♫And all we're saying is the lights are down low

♫And all we're saying is it's everybody's blow

♫Come do some blow with me do some blow with me

♫'Cause I could never withstand the light ♫

- I've been looking for Aladdin everywhere

he's not picking up his phone.

I can see you've been appreciating the Midas touch.

- Aladdin's at the Ferrari store.

No, no, no, actually, he's at the Chinese Dance.

Y'know, Gary, I can't help, but think about that night

so many years ago with your brother.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish that he'd just aimed for the toilet,

then I could have really done something with my life.

♫ You've been praying for me every day

♫ But there's no such place as away you're afraid

♫ That I'm going to have a few

♫ If I do you should help me cheat on you

♫ Because my hope is a vision unruly

♫ And people say I'm the nature of the clown

♫ But I'm not gonna kiss you ♫

- You're doing amazing work, Emily.

We are what's missing from this world.

- I hope those files we posted about the CIA's

surveillance efforts does something to subvert

their control over e-history.

- We need transparency from the government on down.

This entire system was built

with 18th century technology in mind.

We could create a digital liquid democracy

and live in an experimental prototype community.

We could recreate what money is

and develop a money that rots like vegetables.

But we just don't have any resources.

- My brother has something that I think could help us.

I'm gonna go find him.

- Your Excellency, these are gifts from your suitor.

- I told you I was gonna get those for you.

- How did you have the time

to print those without me noticing?

Oh well, I guess I had time to fuck Mustafa

while you were in the shower.

- What?

- I said I fucked Mustafa.

He's very fun to fuck.

I won't be made a fool of.

- My disappointment is like a third party between us.

Where's Gizmo?

Gizmo!

- It was your job to feed him, not mine.

He's now dead like our love was an aborted wish.

- You have a despicable soul.

Your personality is like a mind trick.

- The worst part is that I probably do love you.

- Why don't you go fuck a genie instead?

- Doesn't this prove that you don't love me forever?

- Just because I'm sensitive doesn't mean I'm nice.

My goal was always to change you and then discard you.

- Listen up here, Prince Average Cabbage.

You've been up for five days straight,

go home and sleep.

- Can you please squeeze me?

I just want your little ass to hold me,

and I need more and more.

- Delete your face!

♫ Things are not so horrible

♫ Now you're not my Oracle

♫ Something died for all time

♫ When I saw you conspiring

♫ To never lift a finger ♫

- Print out a magic lamp.

♫ Once you were my manager

♫ Then you were my passenger

♫ Different highs different lies

♫ 'Til no soul would reshape you again

♫ But your hold came in at a loss

♫ And the ecstacy has worn off

♫ Something died for all time

♫ When I saw you conspiring

- Ms. President?

- What are you doing?

- I'm looking in the mirror at garbage.

- Nonsense, you're blessed

with an extremely pure soul, Aladdin.

- I'm surrounded by sentimental fools

and psychic vampires.

- Well, where do people go

when there's no such place as away?

- I'm glad you asked that question.

In the future, bad people

will have to be encouraged to kill themselves.

- Reasons should be abundant,

maybe it's time for a visitation of judgment.

- Will you go get vodka and caviar with me?

- Definitely.

- Chinese Dance.

- Hey mister, read all about it,

"Average Savage."

Barbara and her new boyfriend got into some kind of

digital printing accident last night.

- Let me see that.

Aladdin!

Franchastic!

The lamp.

It's the ultimate outsider's curse!

Come with me, boy.

- That was the best blowjob I've ever heard.

- Now you can't say anything about me doing drugs.

- I never would, Barbara.

I never would.

Great Sultan, with all due respect.

We like everybody in some kind of debt.

That way we get the most amount of work out of them,

and they are too emotionally distracted

to rise up against us.

- I'm so hungry and fat.

- An emotional tax will be necessary

as well as an economic one.

Firstly we can extract psychic debt using Wi-Fi.

Now Wi-Fi is basically a video game

that simulates drowning.

Timing is everything, time versus choice,

and it's because choices take time

that we can really drown them in Wi-Fi.

For example, a mandatory app we developed

called 'Thankster.'

People have to thank everybody for thanking them.

It's an endless thank loop.

They'll never have time to leave the house again.

People break dozens of laws each day.

The only thing that stops everybody

from being in jail for life

is our inaccuracy in detecting all the little laws they broke

and then prosecuting them for it.

These tiny drones, the size of a housefly,

hover over their heads,

monitoring everything that they do.

We're gonna need millions of them,

and they're expensive.

For everyone's debt,

we demand that they shower us with tech.

We're gonna need money to buy drones

to make debt to get tech!

- I'm the luckiest god in the whole world.

In the whole world!

Ohh!

- Awesome!

- Let's get together 300 of the best people we know

and start a community based on our own integrity,

and the gift of the lamp that Emily has bestowed upon us.

Mustafa, print a stack of guns for our militia.

- Nice.

- The love generation was a failed experiment,

until it worked!

- Being a revolutionary

has always been attractive to a young man.

- What ever happened to correcting the world's posture?

- I dunno, maybe it could be solved

by the simple writing of a check.

- I completed an algorithm

for the new digital-spacebux currency.

- Good job, 15-Year-Old.

Are you guys okay with this being all digital?

- It doesn't even matter.

This lamp is making money with its copyright.

- Do your dreams pay attention to copyright?

- If life is a dream, then it certainly is a long one.

- For our main meeting hall,

we'll need you to print out a geodesic dome.

- What about the rest of the planet?

- How manageable is my neighbor's delusion?

I think we'll just have to speak for ourselves.

- Prints are like martinis.

Printing one thing is fine, two is too many,

and three is not enough!

- Life is a gift.

After that, we just live the life we print.

- I've created a printing cult!

- So it didn't work out with your girlfriend?

- Her heart was a butcher shop.

- Don't you mean the kind of shop

where they massage the money out of your pants?

- She's always holding herself hostage with her drugs.

She must be miserable without me.

- Can someone like that love you without killing you?

- Her love is a guilty pleasure of mine.

I have the choice between broken hearted or delusional.

- Well, I guess some things don't have to be settled.

- I see no cooperation in the night sky.

The planet to me is just a stone tumor.

- Yes, we are bacteria and fungus,

but that's the least important thing about us.

- It's encouraging that we're getting someplace together.

- Now, we must make the world remember

where it left the lamp.

One cup of ground up computers,

one bucket of rainwater.

- What's it to ya if it's rainwater or not?

- Memories just a bucket of rain.

This will help the world unforget.

Now, My My Ramaho Niya Niya!

- That bubble's made out of stone, Mister.

- It's the Cave Computer,

it's leading us to the lamp!

- This world runs on worlds.

It's a cannibal universe.

- Everybody always feeding off of everybody's privacy.

Mustafa, print us some caviar and toast.

- We all fight for privacy and we all lose the fight.

The 'Virtual Reality Show,' it's pornography of the soul,

but then again, just a few days ago,

you were famous and broke.

- They were gonna throw me in debtor's prison.

- Human life on earth is purgatory,

so don't be surprised when purgatory doesn't stop.

- So we think that pornography is an aspect of purgatory.

- And so is technology.

One day we will all be naked again through technology.

- Sometimes it makes me wish there was a

technology-limiting-machine.

- Until we are naked and alien,

it's a purgatory.

We gotta be quiet, my roommates are sleeping.

I wanna try try using the lamp sometime.

- You'd love it.

It's like mainlining your dreams.

I wanna use your body in a different way

than I'm accustomed to.

- Question: Do you feel like

you are being pulled inside the lamp?

- Yeah, every time I feel closer to you,

I feel like I'm being pulled inside the lamp a little bit.

- I'm thinking it might be fun to go inside the lamp.

- Just because it's inside doesn't mean it's good.

I only get with lunatics and hot idiots, Ms. President.

I am that awful man.

- Aren't you content just to be a naughty boy?

- Sometimes I'd just like to have sex

and feel like it's vaguely fair.

- I'll be sleazy just to contradict you.

- But this shit sandwich keeps flying towards my face.

I don't know how to avoid it.

- Aladdin,

I don't mind splitting a shit sandwich with you.

- It is one of the most important things

in the universe that we make love.

- [Ms. President] Don't look back, Aladdin.

- I was jerking off the other day,

and Mustafa came out of my dick.

- Well, isn't that the saddest sexual fantasy of all time?

- No, I think it happened.

Lemme put this mask on.

- I'm not into it.

C'mon, don't you want to be sexually - creative?

- You, Ralph Caulfield and Emily Green

are being charged

with possession and distribution of marijuana,

pirating music and films.

Jaywalking, littering, public intoxication,

failing to declare income,

larceny at a salad bar,

public exposure, cohabitation,

sodomy, and printing guns.

You're both monsters,

and I am sending you straight to bureaucratic hell

in the Labyrinth of Lies.

- The law is a tax, and paying your taxes

is like having a subscription to jail.

- You're the devil!

- No, I'm the Devil's clone!

- No!

- Let this be a wake-up alarm to you.

- I didn't realize that my body parts were alarms.

- And I'll be confiscating this!

- Hey, what's the big idea?

Give that back, Mister!

- That was the strongest orgasm I've ever had in my life.

- Ms. President,

I always thought you were a company girl.

- And that's a bad thing, because I have a job?

Besides, the company I'm working for is you.

- You're working for me?

- I have a bad-boy part of my personality

which I need for my partner to express for me.

We are now insiders of each other.

You have a bottomless need for every woman in the world

to love you, as every woman in the world knows.

Yet it's you who now seek averages,

in moderation and balance.

- My biggest fear is to be poorly suspended

on a tightrope between birth and death.

- Well, of course, you're going to be insecure

if you're not tucked in correctly.

- I never thought that I could trust myself

with someone else's heart,

maybe I had to be a prince to become a genie.

Mustafa, you live here!

- I'm the big fat bear

hiding behind a tiny little tree.

- C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!

- Aww, geewhiz!

- So this is what mainlining your dreams looks like.

- In here, we all look like what's right next to us.

- The lamp connects to a frequency of Wi-Fi

that mushrooms tap into,

fungus is a space-age material.

- So the lamp is basically a mushroom.

- Even Jesus was a little bit of a mushroom.

And at Zintendo, we've been developing digital mushrooms

for quite some time.

Within a hundred years,

assuming we live in an average universe,

humans will be contacted by aliens

and during that time, we'll have evolved ourselves

into a techno-fungal insect species.

- If they are going to start reinventing humans,

they should really start at the back and the spine area.

- Human beings are basically insects

wrapped in pigskin.

- So our culture is more of a yeast after all.

- Technology is ushering in a neoclassical age.

These columns of data, tablets, icons, and graffiti

are a continuation of the Roman arts,

reappropriated ideals that form the basis

for a monolithic social sculpture

that is greater than the pyramids,

the Parthenon, the Coliseum, Disney World,

all manmade wonders combined.

Have you ever even wondered why Mario is Italian?

- Here's something.

Why are we symmetrical vertically,

but not horizontally?

- We actually don't look anything like what we think we do.

The lamp is five-dimensional.

In the five-dimensional view of things,

we are all one person,

one great person with invisible string

connecting all of our hands.

All our hands are actually the same hand.

- Winged-sandals!

What a relief.

Mustafa, how does it feel to have a bird's eye view

of time and space?

- I'm dying to die,

but there is no death inside of me.

- They didn't even hide it, they just left it on the bed,

now where is Aladdin?

- Whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uncle Gary? Oh no!

- Aladdin!

Oh there you are, franchastic!

- Well, Uncle Gary,

I'm really glad that it happened this way

because at least from inside there,

you can't hurt us.

- Hurt you?

Aladdin, I'm here to save you.

I'm not your uncle.

I'm your dad.

- King of kings, it's time again for the Technology report.

- I'm kinda busy right now;

I have to thank all my friends

for thanking my photos on Thankster.

What are you wearing on your head?

- It's a hat, it records everything I am thinking,

it tastes like bananas, and it's crushable.

- Psychic soft electronics, incredible!

How did you design such a thing?

- I printed it,

with this lamp that I confiscated

from Magical America.

Watch.

Mustafa, print out a million drones

and a million drone printing machines

to print out a hundred million more.

- Genarro Russo,

we can finally have anything that we want!

- Aaah!

Oh Aladdin, I don't know what to do!

Emily and her friends are in jail for life!

They delivered me her arm this morning.

- My poor daughter!

Aladdin, you must go save her!

- Who's that inside the lamp?

That doesn't sound like Mustafa.

- Mom, Uncle Gary is stuck inside the lamp,

and now he says that he's actually Dad.

- Gary?

- First off, Dad,

why did you abandon me in the mineshaft?

If I hadn't rubbed the lamp, I would have died!

- The CIA was coming,

and I didn't want to risk them getting the lamp.

I came back the next day but you weren't there,

and I couldn't find you anywhere,

I've been looking for you for over a week!

- Due to the constant irritation of Magical America,

would you consider hosting a mass-beheading

later this afternoon?

- Oh, I think if we chopped off their heads,

they would love it.

- Also, it has come to my attention from the CIA

that our Prince Average Cabbage is not a prince at all

but a recording artist for Zintendo Records.

- Send the drones after him at once!

- I was a wanted man!

You see, after I left to become an entertainer,

I ended up hanging out in Hollywood.

The Sultan was hanging out too, but he wasn't a Sultan yet,

you see, he was the ne'er-do-well son

of a former stunt kid who had started his own religion.

Me and the Sultan opened up a children's massage parlor

for rich and famous children.

But kids started to go missing and I came to realize

that the sultan was comparing the size of his penis

with all the boys who came in,

and every time there was a boy who had a bigger one,

he'd kill them.

Now the Sultan was so well connected in Hollywood

that the cops wouldn't do anything about it

no matter how much I begged.

They even told him I was trying to turn him in.

The last thing he ever said to me was to leave town

and if he ever saw me again, he'd kill me and my boy.

- Well, then, your cover is blown,

there's drones all over this house.

The CIA will know everything.

- You all have a disease

and the only thing that will cure it is sucking my dick!

Just kidding.

You actually signed a contract

allowing the Sultan to kill and enslave you,

perhaps you should read the fine print

on your cell phone bills.

- We already knew the Sultan was a murderer.

The Sultan is not a murderer, he's a king!

In a couple of hours, you will be smited by headsmen.

Thanks for playing the video game.

- Fucking CIA pig.

- Why do we assume pigs are bourgeois policemen?

- Only last week, we were trying to shed light

on dark, inhumane, secret government shit.

What happened?

- I'm in desperate need of salad and religion.

- Considering the state of the planet,

maybe people who think of themselves as average

are enlightened.

- Now to reprogram this Flesh-knob of disappointment.

Mustafa, print me a 40-inch cock.

- Look at him treating the lamp like it's his mistress.

Despicable!

- It fits right over the old one.

Wow!

Forty inches soft, I didn't even think of that.

Fair enough, Mustafa.

♫ Bigger than yours bigger than yours

♫ I like mine when it's bigger than yours

♫ Bigger than yours

♫ Bigger ♫

- Get your canned lamps here,

canned lamps, free magical 3-D printing lamps in a can.

Hello Sir, what will you print?

- Thanks, I'm gonna print a jungle of pornography.

- Hello, ma'am, what will you print?

- I'm printing a living bird inside my brain.

- Print me a digital pickaxe to mine digital spacebux.

- Print me a contact lens

that teaches my eyes to think like an insect.

- That's cool!

- Print me a robot that thanks all my friends

for thanking my photos on 'Thankster'.

- I like everything.

Some things I like a lot, but other things I just like.

- Print me an asparagus chair!

Wow!

By the way, who are you?

- I'm the Princess.

- What?

- I mean, I'm not the Princess, I'm just a prince named "S."

- Oh, okay. - That checks out, yeah, yeah.

- The surveillance drones can't fly this high.

- We'll get you out of the lamp soon enough, Dad.

- I don't even want to get out of the lamp!

Let me explain.

All my life I've felt that I was somehow degenerate,

and after some time of practicing Dark White magic,

I came to believe that the planet

was mirroring my degenerate ways.

That night in the mines, I cast a spell

trying to summon Father Earth,

I thought I could give the planet a sex change.

I cut open my own penis and turned it inside out

as part of the ritual,

trying to unleash the information

necessary to create Lover Earth, the beautiful hermaphrodite.

I thought I could turn the planet

from degenerate to regenerate this way

and I mistakenly thought that my cock

was the Tree of Life.

- Wow, yeah, the planet probably does need a sex change.

- Well, it turns out, Aladdin,

that you're gonna have a son,

and your lamp and all that it creates

is basically just my grandson's cock.

So now I've crawled into my grandson's cock,

you need to cut it open, turn it inside out,

give birth to your father.

- So the lamp is like a womb inside of a dick?

- Yeah, and after you open it,

the planet will become Lover Earth,

a planet where gender is no longer binary,

nor is technology.

- Print me vampires in submarines.

- Print me Pandora's Box bombs!

- Print me pointy boots, see,

I like to look down and see pointy boots.

- That's the most epic,

brilliant, ace thing on the planet!

You're a total legend mate.

Print me the biggest bindle of beak.

- Print me the immortal jellyfish regeneration algorithm.

- Print me my baseball uniform that I love.

- Print me the hair from last year's haircut.

- Print me everything I've ever lost.

- Out of the way!

Out of the way!

Stay back!

Stay back!

- [Crowd] Free Ralph! Free Ralph!

- Let him speak!

- Yeah, why doesn't everybody pipe down

and let him say somethin'.

- This place is starting to look like Hollywood.

You're just going to print out an analogue version

of the Internet, and there's no room for it!

And since we are bound to this planet,

industry and production can't mirror

the infinite expansion of the universe,

though we fantasize about filling the stars to their brim.

We must change the nature of what we wish for.

- You know, Ms. President,

I don't remember Regular Town being this big,

what's going on over there?

- That's 982,000th Street and 14,512th Avenue,

the town has been expanding as the world keeps printing.

Holy shit, those are anti-fungal chemtrails!

- I can't see anything!

Aah, aah, aah!

- Oh my God!

- Farmer Dave!

- Hey, Aladdin, you little pervert!

Open Sesame.

- [Sultan] Ouch, my cock!

- Gimme my arm back, motherfucker!

- Welcome back to the two-armed girls club!

- Yeah.

- Phew.

- I missed you.

- Hi!

- Hey!

All right, Dad,

are you ready for irreversible planetary status?

- C'mon, man, what have I been talking about!

♫ I leave love behind her

♫ I was scared to know her

♫ Now the high is over

♫ Because I need a shoulder

♫ Love is on its way

♫ Sometimes you're me from far away

♫ Just waiting to get blown hard ♫

- Someone quick, help!

- We plugged in his brain

and it's downloading onto the mainframe

to the Undernet,

which is the Internet that dead people use.

The other end of the universe

doesn't seem very far away from here.

There's pieces of it all around us

but our brains can't organize the materials properly.

- Us fifth-dimensional guys

can build a computer out of a chair, no problem.

- Well, it's time to return to the fifth dimension.

- What is dying like?

- At first, death emerges from within

like a blackened burning insect

springing out of your bones,

filling up your body

with the brightest fluorescent colors,

till your body is filled to the brim

and language loses all meaning.

Your mind is so fried from contemplating googolplex

that it gives way to fractals and complex abstractions.

Then the fluorescents start to spin like a wheel

and that wheel carries you off towards oblivion.

- The deathbed is a horrible hang.

- Aladdin, you're a pretty cool guy

considering you came out of my dick.

I'm on the computer now.

- I love you, Dad.

- That's nice.

- You are the keepers together of a sacred flame.

- I feel like we're inside a fiery cocoon.

Where you are vulnerable,

I will build walls and fortresses around those areas.

- I will always be the closest person to you,

anything else requires an intervention.

- Your feelings are always right.

- I will persevere until we agree on everything,

even in a heated argument.

There's no bluffing in our relationship.

- You are the hero of my heart.

You are my heart hero.

- You are my black magician.

- I will be the Hashem to your Moses.

- I will be the Guadalupe to your Juan Diego.

- Home is wherever the two of us are.

- I will share my intellectual property with you.

- I will love you unconditionally,

challenge you intellectually, and sexualize you forever.

- I will give you the best deal of any married man.

- I will be eternally devoted to our family.

- I will never question having faith in doing life together.

- You're under arrest, because you're the best.

- You're under arrest because you're the best.

- As a regenerate who has the world,

I must say it's nice to have a wish

that I can make come true all the time.

- I take care of the boy, and the man takes care of me.

The prince was the genie, and the genie was the prince.

- I gave birth to my father.

- Nice one, mate!

Let's go, mate.

- Let's go back to Hollywood

and try to salvage what's left of pornography.

- Like preserve and archive it all

on a giant hard drive in a giant building?

Great Sultan, you're too much.

- You think I'm too much, but I'm not even enough.

- Now that's the good stuff, mate.

Yeah.

♫ I'm phonin' in the blues 'cause my life ain't stallin'

♫ The phone just rang

♫ To say the blues Ain't calling

♫ I thought that I'd always called it like I saw it

♫ I've got the blues and I know just how to call 'em

♫ Baby that's how they call the blues

♫ I'm phoning in the blues like a phony version of the

♫ Blues that they thought that they had

♫ It was a phoney baloney version of the blues

♫ It was the version that I thought my baby had had

♫ I try to retract him

♫ My baby never had 'em till we called them

♫ On the telephone but they didn't listen

♫ Baby that's how they call the blues

♫ I'm phoning in the blues

♫ Cuz my life ain't stalling

♫ The phone just rang

♫ To say the blues ain't calling

♫ I thought that I'd always Called it like I saw it

♫ I've got the blues and I know just how to call 'em

♫ Baby that's how they call the blues

♫ Baby that's how they call the blues

♫ The words I needed to soothe me

♫ Turned gray from being defenseless

♫ But I had another plan too

♫ Believe it if you're tell me too

♫ Sharing my home

♫ And everywhere we go is home too

♫ We're trading our graves

♫ Now you'll never have to see me afraid

♫ Unless we are a liar

♫ The call I needed came early

♫ And tried of using my patience

♫ The words I wanted came through me

♫ And out of confrontation

♫ I asked you what to do with my fists

♫ If she could ever see me like this

♫ Sharing my home

♫ And everywhere we go is home too

♫ We're trading our graves

♫ Now you'll never have to see me afraid

♫ Unless we are a liar

♫ Sharing my home

♫ And everywhere we go is home too

♫ We're trading our graves

♫ Now you'll never have to see me afraid

♫ Unless we are a liar ♫