Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Good morning, Harold.

Maybe here it is, but in Geneva, it's seven at night.

Well, here's your coffee. You know, in the hills of Columbia, it's just after

lunch.

I just got a cool new watch.

Kat,

there's someone in my seat.

Well, there are plenty of other places open. Just sit somewhere else. That's my

seat. That's where I sit every day. That's where I read the paper and drink

coffee. Well, ask him to move.

I just wish we were in Hawaii.

He wouldn't even be here yet.

Yes?

That chair.

Yeah?

You're sitting in it.

So?

Well, then.

The man won't listen to reason.

Okay, I just had the greatest night of my life.

What happened? Did you meet somebody?

No. Battle on five marathons?

No, but I T -voted.

I was playing poker online.

You just spent the greatest night of your life online?

Oh, Gavin.

No, no, no, no.

Listen to this. There were a thousand players, each waiting for the next hand

the edge of their seat.

In their underpants in their mother's basement?

You know what? This is getting sadder and sadder. It's not sad. If I win

I get $50 ,000.

$50 ,000?

I'm switching to poker.

The only thing I can win playing Wizardcraft is that golden unicorn.

No, no, I'm totally stopping.

Once I win that unicorn.

Well, so you're a poker player.

That's almost cool.

Especially after hearing what Stuart does.

Hey, there are a lot of things about me that are cool, Skyler. A lot of things.

Really? What else?

I mentioned poker, right?

And, of course, Bab Five, huge fan.

Oh, and I could do Jeff Goldblum.

Dinosaurs existed before man, but man can recreate dinosaurs, causing the

possible extinction of man, ironically. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Wow, that's really good. You know, I used to do Jeff Goldblum. Really? Let's

hear it.

used to do, Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, it started.

Wait, which one is you? I'm sexy Lisa Five.

Wait, you're that little character, the girl in a halter top?

Yeah, it's been proven that men underestimate women players.

Is anyone on the internet actually a woman?

Leave me alone. I have to flirt with Surf Dude Seven.

It completely throws this game off when I tell him I'm playing my bra and

panties.

Look at him, the magnificent bastard.

Sitting on my chair, reading my paper, silently judging you all for how much

smarter he is than all of you.

Well, what makes you think he's doing that?

No reason.

Look at me, perched on this stool like a mountain goat in the Himalayas.

Where, by the way, it's 1 a .m.

Excuse me, sir.

One of our regular customers usually sits there, so if you wouldn't mind just

moving over one so we could sit there, I'd really appreciate it. No.

No? No.

Well, I'm really not asking that much.

Is it still policy for the staff to harass the customers?

Well, I wouldn't say it's policy, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen.

I'll go now.

Zach.

Hi, Charlotte. Hold on.

Hey, sexy Lisa Five. It's bitter ex -wife one.

Pocket Kings. Tell her I'm busy.

Meow.

Can he call you back? He's flirting with some guy.

Okay. I'll tell him.

She's parking. She's bringing Owen by in about two minutes. What?

Something about you taking him for a haircut and a suit for his school

interview? Wait, that's not today. That's tomorrow. She always does this to

Well, tell her you can't do it today.

What, because I'm playing poker?

I don't think so. When she was young, her dad gambled away the money for her

college tuition.

I thought you went to Princeton.

Yeah, after a year of community college.

But don't mention that to her.

That and her one lesbian experience are her deepest, darkest secrets.

Charlotte had a lesbian experience?

With the financial aid lady at Princeton.

Telly will take Owen tomorrow like you said you would. No, I can't do that to

Owen. It really disappoints him.

Oh, yeah, because all little boys love going clothes shopping with their

parents.

This isn't about Owen.

You're scared of Charlotte, so stand up for yourself.

Well, yeah, I tried that once and it just made her really mean.

I have a pair.

No, you don't.

Two fun seats for Harold. Shut up!

That man has taken my seat. And this, this coffee slinger has failed to remove

him.

Well, you failed, too.

Well, now he's turning us against each other. Oh, he's good.

Don't worry about it, okay? Old Stuart will take care of it for you. Cap, watch

and learn. There's a reason why you're still a barista as you approach middle

years.

Sometimes it takes a more forceful man -to -man approach.

to get things done.

He hurt my feelings.

Hello, Gavin.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, just work. Boring work.

If you're lucky, you're young. You don't have to look at this computer screen.

So, listen, I'll be back at three.

His haircut is at noon. I think you can find him a nice blue suit at Macy's.

None of that three -button stuff. We're not hippies.

Why do I have to wear a suit?

Because all successful men wear suits.

But Dad and Uncle Stuart don't.

Aim higher.

Oh, could I talk to your father for a second?

Uh, Gavin, we need to talk.

Could you stop working for a minute?

Sure.

Um, I found a, uh, videotape in Owen's room.

It's one of those tapes of skanky girls on spring break exposing their breasts

for bees.

Was this Mardi Gras mayhem?

I think it was. That little snake.

Oh, I owe my cleaning lady an apology.

You have to tell Owen that those tapes are bad.

Oh, I really wouldn't worry. You know, it's perfectly normal. It's only going

embarrass him. Just do it.

I don't want him getting the idea that women are fun playthings that exist

solely to make men happy.

I can't imagine he'd be under that impression.

Hey, Owen?

Come here a second, buddy. I want to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, it seems your mom took a certain tape from your room.

Oh, that's where it is. I thought I was losing my mind.

Owen, those tapes are wrong.

Why? Too young.

Well, if I was too young, I wouldn't want to look at it.

I'd watch the Wiggles or some crap.

Okay, okay. Well, they're wrong because they paint an unreal portrait of what

women are like.

Well, I think that's the point, Dad.

If girls took their tops off when I walked down the street, we wouldn't be

having this conversation.

Or we'd be having it outside.

How are your grades?

Straight A's.

Okay, don't do drugs and tell your mom I yelled at you.

If you tell her I cried.

Deal.

All right.

Oh, and about today, I'm not going to lie to you. I am playing in a very

important poker tournament for the government.

You don't want to go shopping?

Well, no, no, no. We've got to get that stuff done, but... You know what?

I'll just fold my pocket aces. Oh!

Okay. Well, next time.

Can't somebody else just take him? Oh, yeah, can you?

I would, but I'm taking my cleaning lady out to lunch.

I'll take him.

Well, are you sure? Yes.

No, Scott, you really don't mind? She said she'll do it, Dad. Don't pick at

Does anyone have a breath mint?

If he's got a high pair, I'm only a 35 % underdog.

He raised me 400, the pot is 1 ,200. I'm three to one on my money. Hey, I

ordered five copies of Cash 22, and they sent 22 copies of Slaughterhouse -Five.

Should I return them or put them in the 20 % off bin?

Uh, just a second. But if he's got three of a kind, then he's 12 % to make a

full house. Hey, hey, hey, can we 86 the poker for two seconds? It's 3 .30, and

the FedEx on 4th closes the pot.

you stop?

14%. I guess I could use the box at the 7 -Eleven. They're open 24 hours.

I think I can get a 32. I'll just play my lucky lottery numbers. 15, 16, 42,

27. Are you doing this on purpose?

Not at first, but halfway through, yeah.

I was one of the lucky few to witness the atomic bomb test.

And while the blast was spectacular to see, radiation effects were felt 500

miles away.

Skin blistering, blood in the stool, fish with legs.

Freedom? Yeah.

It's expensive.

Well, that's very interesting.

Um, could you just hold that thought a sec?

Um, Stuart?

Get Harold away from me before I cut him.

Okay, let me take another crack at this guy here.

Hi. Remember me?

You made a certain hurtful remark at my expense?

Yeah.

Well, I... had some time to think about it, and here's my response.

You're also not in the best physical condition.

Whatever, Tinkerbell.

Well, now that that ugliness is behind us, let's say you move a chair over and

maybe you walk out of here with a free bookmark, huh?

Let's say you go away and you get to walk out on both legs.

See, when you talk like that, you make me feel unsafe.

And then I get defensive and we develop this whole cycle. Go away.

Fine.

But I'll be back once I've collected myself and come up with a clever retort.

So when is he going to move?

Soon.

Just keep refilling his coffee. He's going to have to go to the bathroom

sometime.

When he does... Well, we'll jump him.

Beat him into a coma with a pipe wrench.

No, you take your chair back. Oh, right, right, right.

And thank you.

Pat is a lovely girl.

But if I have to listen to her for two more minutes, I'm going to put a gun in

my mouth.

Hey, we're back.

How's the poker going? Oh, fantastic.

I'm in the final six.

And hunky Dr. Three wants to take me out to dinner.

Where's Owen?

Oh, he'll be right in.

Oh, and Owen got a haircut that he thinks is really rebellious. I think he

thinks you're going to be shocked, so act mad like you did something really

crazy. Oh, okay.

Oh, it's... Hey, Dad.

Hey, bud, what's up? Oh, my God!

What did you do?

Oh, it's really good. Keep it up.

It's a monologue.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Not bad.

But could you butch it up a little?

Kill us. We're dead.

And what is that suit?

Totally cool, huh?

No.

What were you thinking? He looks like Steve Harvey.

Well, you know, it's not what I would have picked, but you have to admit the

kid's got flair.

He has an interview on Monday at the most conservative private school in the

city.

Well, you know, maybe this is what the school needs. You know, to shake him out

of those dodgy ways. This isn't Footloose. It's the Wilshire Academy.

They're going to freak.

Totally.

I have a full house. I should be celebrating.

How did this happen?

I think I can shed some light here.

The Mohawk was a creation of the Huron Indians to emulate the bristles of the

wild boar.

Of course, another theory is they did it just to piss off their parents.

You were supposed to get him a blue suit and a normal haircut, not turn him into

a Mohican pimp.

distinction right now. Look, I'm just making conversation because I have

to sit.

Your mother is going to flip out and she's going to blame me.

Kevin, relax. It's just hair. It'll grow back.

If you're that freaked out about it, just tell her it was my fault. Oh, oh,

brilliant. Yeah. I was shirking my responsibility as a parent so I can

The truth is not my friend here.

It's not God's fault. It's what I wanted.

Owen, Owen, this is real life, not some fantasy world where you get to do

whatever you want.

Yes, he has the unicorn.

I want you to always remember this. You are the coolest boy in your family.

Well, there's not a ton of competition.

Charlotte's going to be here any minute. This is a nightmare.

Holy cow, I just knocked two players out. I am simultaneously having the best

and worst day of my life.

So, what's the plan?

Uh, okay. Well, I like you taking the fall.

All we need is a credible excuse why I couldn't take him. Okay, I got it. A

bookcase fell on you, and you were knocked unconscious.

Now, hold still. I'll bruise your forehead here.

You are not hitting me. Oh, I got it.

The store was robbed, and you were tied up in the office, pistol whipped. Now,

hold still.

No!

Why does everyone's solution involve hitting me? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I've got one.

Oh, wait.

There would be some hitting involved.

I am screwed.

How about kidney stones?

What? Think about it, morons.

Takes about three or four hours to pass, and you're completely immobilized.

It's not a bad idea.

I would have thought of it as I was in my chair.

Now, can one of you dipsticks point me to the bathroom?

Yeah, yeah, it's right around there.

Harold, Harold, your chair!

I know, don't rub it in.

No, no, no, no, no, your chair.

and that's gross.

But, all in all, it's good to be back in the saddle again.

You know what?

If I were you, I'd be proud of Owen.

He showed spunk. He showed fire.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, he saw what he wanted and he went for it. Owen didn't just get

haircut and a suit today.

He took his first step to becoming a man.

Oh, God, where else did you take him?

Has anyone seen my briefcase?

Yeah, it's right down there.

Oh,

I'm

sorry, Harold.

You know what? Maybe you're just not meant to sit in that chair today.

Maybe it's fate.

There's no such thing as fate.

There is no divine plan.

It's just all random chaos.

And then you die.

think someone could use a free macaroon.

I do like cookies.

Look at this. Down to three players and I'm the chip leader. I am the man.

Gavin, did you get Owen his haircut?

I'm the dead man.

Charlotte. Hey, you.

What did you do?

What? Nothing.

Oh, God.

The hey you, the girlish giggle. It's like that time I caught you peeing in

shower.

Where's Owen?

Uh, funny story. You see... Owen!

Did you have a nice afternoon?

It was okay.

That's good. That's very good.

Would you mind waiting outside for me?

Are you going to hurt Dad?

No, no, no.

No, I would never hurt your father.

Dad, give me that coffee pot.

What did you do to my baby? Look, I'm just as unhappy about this as you are.

I don't think that's accurate.

I think if that were true, you would kill yourself.

How am I supposed to take him to the most important interview of his life

looking like that?

Maybe in a hat.

I was about to say that.

How could you have let this happen? It's not my fault.

Skyler did it.

My bad.

You made Skyler take him? You were supposed to take him. No, I was supposed

take him tomorrow.

I'm playing poker online.

I'm in a big tournament.

That's why I couldn't take him.

What?

Yep.

That's right, baby. I'm a gambler.

How could you?

You know my father. Your father was a bad gambler. I'm good at it.

Look, this thing started with a thousand players. Now it's down to me and

another...

When has anything ever been about what I want?

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't want Owen to get a mohawk, but I'm not going to stand

here and listen to you say it's all about me when nothing is ever about me.

Everything I ever wanted took a backseat to what you wanted.

We're not married anymore, and I'm driving this car.

We are not through, Gavin.

Oh, yes, we are. Oh, no!

So what?

Oh, you poor boy.

God, get the man a towel and some club soda.

Yeah.

The chair's mine, Bubbles.

What's wrong with you people?

Oh, don't blame us. It's fate.

Fate? Yes.

Clearly God hates you.

For you.

What? You and Owen, my two little rebel, sticking it to the man.

Or in this case, the severe woman.

Yeah, well, still don't know what we're going to do about Owen's interview.

But you were right.

Telling Charlotte off is pretty cool.

I'm taking charge.

I'm standing tall.

You know what? Screw it. I'm all in.

Crap, that was stupid.

Okay. There you go, Harold.

Good as new.

That's that stuff.

Well, I better get going.