Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Here's your book, Mr. Miller. I'm sorry it took so long.

Kevin, there's like ten books here.

And not one of them is the one I asked for.

No, it isn't?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry. I forgot which book you wanted, and I didn't want to bother you.

remembered it had the word under in the title, and so I got all the books I

could find with that word.

Kevin, I said you could find it under biographies.

You did?

I'm so stupid.

Okay, I'm on it.

Hey, Kevin.

You know the name of the book?

biography? Of John Adams.

Sorry, I'm so stupid. I'm stupid.

Oh, no, no. Kevin, stop apologizing. It's your first day and you're doing

Yeah, you're doing... It's a nice sweater you got.

Thank you, Mr. Miller, sir.

Kevin, this is a casual place, okay? Call me by my first name.

You want a coffee?

Come on, I'll get you a coffee.

Thank you, Mr. Miller.

Cat, two coffees?

Do you have any onion bagels? Do you see any?

See? Casual.

I can get you an onion bagel. There's a place right down the street.

Kevin, you don't gotta do that. No, no, no. Please.

Let me show you. I can do this.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, one bagel coming up.

Onion. Check.

Skylar, remember when you came to Gavin and me and you begged us to let you hire

the new stock boy?

Yeah.

Was Kevin really the best candidate you interviewed?

Oh, no.

There were tons of people way more qualified.

I'm sure you could see this next question coming.

Why'd you hire him?

Here's how I weeded people out.

I asked everybody the same important question.

If you had one wish, what would it be?

What was Kevin's answer?

Actually, he couldn't think of one.

Then why is that good?

It's not.

I felt bad for him.

He couldn't think of an answer and he started crying and then I started crying

and... We had a moment.

Why do you even ask that stupid question?

Hey, if... Good enough to choose Miss America. It's good enough for us.

Well, I think you're going to have to fire him, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Just give him a chance. He's just nervous and a little

timid. I know how he feels. Yeah, we've all been wondering when you're going to

come out of your shell.

No, really, when I first started working here, I wasn't sure if I fit in.

You know, until Kat started messing with me.

How'd I mess with you?

You know.

By secretly giving me decaf so I'd be tired.

You even tried to convince me that we were open on Sundays, so I'd come in and

work.

We are open on Sundays.

Oh, you guys.

Skyler's right.

Nothing breaks the ice like some good -natured ribbing. You think?

Certainly.

Once at JPL, there was a researcher analyzing data from the Voyager probe.

She was expecting to receive readings of the 1 .78 kilohertz channel.

I made it appear they were in the 3 .11 channel.

Ha! 3 .11!

Can you imagine that?

Well, it's funny if you're smart.

Good morning, everyone.

Morning. Oh, hey, how was your date with Zoe last night?

Great. Seeing her again tonight. She's making me dinner.

Ooh, could this be serious?

No, no, no, no. She doesn't even live here. We're just, you know, having a

little fun.

Wait.

This'll be your third date.

You know what that means.

Skylar, come on.

No, no, no. What does it mean?

Come on.

Tonight's the night.

For what?

Chicka -bam -bam, chicka -bam -bam. Woo!

You haven't had sex yet?

Kat, we've only been on two dates.

What are you, playing hard to get?

Kat, you know, a woman will only wait so long before she finds someone else to

get the job done.

Am I right, Skye?

And people think I'm the slut.

You don't wait for the third date?

What is the third date thing? Does everybody know about this?

I can't believe we let you handle food.

Yes, Kat, it's a common dating standard.

Yeah, maybe if you're Amish.

Get him, Tiger. Come on, man. Take it easy, all right? It's Harold's daughter.

Show some tact.

So, tonight's the night for sex with Zoe.

Come on, don't be shy. I see where this is going.

Harold, I'm just really not comfortable discussing sex with the father of my

potential partner in the aforementioned activity.

Please, I'm a scientist.

I could never understand why people get so uptight over human sexuality.

Or why someone would wait to the third date. Am I right, Harold?

Why do you hate yourself, Kat?

I don't.

Zoe is an adult woman. I know she has relationships with men, and I know those

relationships are of an adult nature.

Okay, that makes sense. If Zoe intends to have sexual intercourse...

I'm happy she'll be copulating with you.

You just made it icky again.

There's nothing icky about it. Sex is a perfectly natural act.

Unless you're into weird stuff.

You're not into weird stuff, are you?

No, no, and I don't want to talk about this. This is weird stuff.

And I'm not into it.

I got your bagel, Mr. Miller.

Come on, just mess with him a little bit.

Okay.

Here you go.

Thanks. You're welcome.

What's this?

It's an onion bagel. Isn't that what you wanted?

No, I said pumpernickel.

Oh, come on. It was a simple task. God, Kevin, can't you do anything?

What?

I am a person.

I deserve respect.

Kevin, I was kidding around. We thought it would be funny. That's all, man.

No, no, no, not me.

Kevin, just calm... Pretty boy, huh?

You talk to me like that one more time, and I will shove this bagel down your

throat!

Maybe he'll do better in the swimsuit competition.

but I heard they're genetically altering tomatoes that are more resistant to

frost. Is that true?

I don't know.

Can we just make out?

I knew the tomato thing would get you.

I'm not even here just passing through.

Dad? Don't let me interrupt.

I just forgot my wallet.

Get back to what you were doing. We were just talking. Oh, you were kissing.

A perfectly normal sign of affection.

Not just among humans. For example, the African bonobo apes are known to kiss.

They also engage in lesbian behavior.

I'm not sure how that last part applies, Dad.

I just was trying to set a mood.

Don't worry, I'll be gone in a second. I know tonight is an important night for

you, too.

Oh, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet. Where is my wallet?

Have you checked your briefcase?

Excellent idea.

You picked a good one to mate with.

You know what? I think I saw it someplace. I'll be right back.

The equipment work all right?

I was talking about my hi -fi. I noticed you didn't have any music on.

Oh, oh, no.

No, it's fine.

I just assumed your penis was working all right.

Okay, how?

It didn't. I certainly wouldn't. We're good. We're good.

I am just so happy you two are getting serious.

Hey, just a hypothetical.

If you two were to get married...

But I still have to pay for coffee.

Found it.

Well, we'll figure it out.

Here you go. Good, good. Well, I'll stop disturbing you two.

Just strip the sheets after you're done.

More wine? Please.

Wow.

Wow.

I was about to tell you how sexy you are.

What's the matter?

Huh? What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing. I'm fine.

Ted, come here.

Don't forget foreplay, tiger.

Maybe spank her a little.

That always got her mom going.

Did I do something wrong?

No, no, no, no.

Well, are you sure? Because I usually don't get that response.

It's not you. It's not you. I guess it's just a little weird doing this in your

dad's apartment, you know?

Oh, well, I think I can help you forget about my dad.

Mm -hmm.

Shall we adjourn to the bedroom?

I gotta go.

Gavin, what is going on?

You know what? I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm not feeling very well.

Really? Because you feel pretty good to me.

Okay.

I gotta... Sorry.

Okay.

Stuart,

Kevin has something he'd like to say to you. I thought you were going to fire

him. Well, I kind of went another way.

Hi, listen, I am so sorry that I overreacted to the whole bagel

Skylar explained to me that you were just joking, and with a little distance,

see now that it was hilarious.

Okay.

And, um, I understand that you guys like to kid around, and you were just trying

to make me feel like, you know...

One of the gang.

Sorry, I'm such a big jerk.

You weren't that bad.

Well, thank you, Mr. Miller. Stuart.

Yeah, thanks, Stuart.

And, you know, I want you to feel comfortable enough that you can join in.

I want you to feel comfortable.

Hey, it's a good one, good.

There you go.

Look at me, I'm Stuart.

I walk around like this.

Yeah, let's get some work done, because I'm Stewart, and I'm a big, stupid, big

-leading dork.

Man,

he nailed it.

Everybody look at me. I'm Stewart.

Everybody thinks I'm an idiot.

Stewart,

keep your voice down. I can hear you from the street.

Oh, it's fine. It's good.

Oh, come on. We want details.

Don't worry. Harold's not here yet.

Uh, she made salmon.

It was grilled.

Oh, God, we don't care about that.

I do. How long did she cook it? My salmon always goes out a little dry.

No, come on. Who made the first move?

Give us something.

Sorry, guys. A gentleman never tells.

Well, what if we ask a gentleman if certain things happened and a gentleman

yes or no?

I don't think so.

I understand. You don't feel comfortable talking about this.

How about I go get a doll and you point to where she touched you?

Zoe is a wonderful woman and we had a nice time. The rest is a private matter

between two consenting adults.

I heard you got sick and your penis went on the fridge.

Better luck next time, champ.

Ooh, no pup in the tent?

I'm not having this conversation.

And my pup was fine.

That's not what Zoe said.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Did she at least make salmon?

Is everything okay?

No.

Something happened last night.

Something weird.

Oh, I knew it. You are into weird stuff.

It's cool. So am I.

What?

What's going on?

Uh, Kyler, we're having a private conversation.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So what's going on?

Okay, what I missed, what I missed. Go back, go back.

Gavin's in the weird stuff.

No, I'm not. Oh, that's okay. So am I.

Okay, something happened last night.

Everything was going fine, and then Harold came back unexpectedly for his

wallet. And he caught you doing it? No, they weren't doing it. He couldn't

perform. I could perform fine. I just chose not to.

Are you sure you didn't choose too prematurely and you had to get out of

You don't get it, okay? He came back and told me how happy he was that Zoe and I

were getting serious.

But I thought you weren't getting serious. That's what I thought. And then

Harold started talking about marriage, and that's why I couldn't... Get wood?

You know, this is so like you. Stop overthinking everything.

Just relax and have fun for a change.

Let the puppy play.

This is Zoe, okay? I can't just let my puppy play with her.

Why not?

Because I don't think she's the one. If I hurt her, it'll ruin my relationship

with Harold.

Well, how could you already know she's not the one?

Maybe you asked her the magic question.

You know, if she had one wish, what would it be?

It's a good question.

Not if you can't come up with an answer. Oh, really? Then what would you say?

Big shot?

Easy. Three more wishes.

And on the third one, I'd ask for three more.

And so on and so on and so on.

Oh, really? Well, why not just wish for a million wishes?

Because that might anger the wizard.

There's a wizard?

Where do you think wishes come from? Enchanted frogs? Get real.

Hey, am I interrupting?

No. Zoe, hi. What are you doing here? I just wanted to see if you were feeling

okay. I will. I'll leave you two alone.

I can't have fun.

Puppet time.

Wood.

Actually, I'm feeling much better now. Look... So happy to hear that.

If you're free tonight, maybe we could try again.

I don't think that's such a good... I'm not wearing any panties.

I don't have the bookstore, and I have a big stupid...

Okay, he's been doing this about four hours now.

Kathy, the day has flown by.

Skylar, I need you to fire him.

For what?

For what?

You know, for all the... He does it much better.

Fire him.

Oh, come on, don't be so thin -skinned. Have a sense of humor about yourself.

It's funny.

I guess you're right.

People should have a sense of humor about themselves.

You know, the way you've been making fun of me?

Hilarious.

You think?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what would be really funny?

If you mess with Skyler.

You know what would be really funny? Kevin, I need you to focus.

Where's Kevin?

He's in the office.

up and leave them Miller.

Harold, was this the plan all along?

Go out with her a few times, have your jollies and then toss her aside?

No, no, no, no, that's not it at all. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. We

live in a disposable society.

Paper plates, single -use cameras, my daughter.

Harold, I didn't have some jollies with her. I broke up with her pre -jolly.

Wasn't she good enough for you?

I'm sorry she's not Morgan Fairchild or Susan Anton, but you, sir, are no Chad

Everett.

What? No, I think she's great.

Yeah, sure, that's why you just gave her the heave -ho.

Did you talk to her? Because she seemed totally fine with it. Save your breath,

Gavin.

Just so you know, from now on, I'll be getting my coffee elsewhere.

No, no, see, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I knew Zoe and I weren't going to work out in the long run, so I ended it. I

couldn't just have a casual fling with her out of respect for you.

Well,

that's tragic.

What is?

That's exactly why I wanted you two together.

Despite your many neuroses and your tendency towards smugness, you're a man

conviction and character.

You're more like Chad Everett than I gave you credit for.

Well, thanks.

You know, for most of that.

You know, one of my favorite things about having this place is, well, that I

to talk to you every day.

It's a shame.

I thought if you were with Zoe, we'd have more time to get together outside

here.

I've been planning.

Well, just because I'm not dating Zoe doesn't mean you and I can't do things

together. Well, that's great.

Do you fish?

No, no. I don't like worms.

Golf? Not really. Too slow.

How about a pig roast?

Not a big pork guy.

Well, you better suck it up or we're going to have a lousy time in Maui.

Good news.

I'll work things out with Kevin. Okay, so you're not going to fire him?

No, no, I'm not going to fire him.