Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Hey, Skye, check out this picture of Jude Logg jogging with his shirt off.

You know what? He's just not my type. I could never date a guy with better

eyelashes than me.

He is the most gorgeous man on earth, and he keeps getting more gorgeous.

Every time I think he's the most gorgeous a person can be, he outdoes

But no, I am pretty sure this picture is the most gorgeous someone can be.

He did it again.

Hey, Kat, can I get a cup of coffee?

Of course you can. It's right over there.

Thank you. Very helpful.

You're welcome. Tip jar's right there.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Always helpful.

Again, talk is cheap. Tip jar.

Oh, hey. Oh, nice sweater, Harold. It's hideous.

Well, then why are you wearing it? My daughter's visiting today, and I wanted

pick. I like all the Father's Day gifts she got me.

Hey, the sweater. Zoe coming today?

I didn't know you had a daughter.

Oh, we haven't seen much of each other recently. Things have been a little

between us.

Aw. Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you like? Oh, she's beautiful and intelligent.

Extremely intelligent.

She has a Ph .D. in applied botany. She actually led the team to discover the

secret to growing vegetables in sand.

I mean, think about it.

Vegetables in sand.

It's outrageous.

You think that's cool? My brother can grow pot in his closet.

Unfortunately, her intelligence goes out the window when it comes to choosing

men.

Now she's dropping by to introduce me to who I'm sure will be her latest

mistake. You know, you sound just like my dad. He never liked my boyfriend.

It's just that she's an exceptional woman.

She deserves an exceptional man.

Well, take my advice.

The more you say you hate him, the longer she'll stay with him to prove you

wrong. Oh, I don't know about that.

No, it's true. If my dad let me make my own mistakes, I probably wouldn't have

made so many.

Like that drug dealer you dated?

Drug lord.

Hello, Harold.

Zoe.

You expressed some interest in my work the last time we spoke, so I brought

you a sand turnip.

That's amazing.

You know, you don't have to keep wearing that sweater.

It wasn't in style when I got it for you ten years ago.

Oh, thank God. It gives children seizures.

So, this must be Zoe.

Zoe, this is Skylar. Hi, nice to meet you.

Gosh, you're every bit as pretty as Harold said.

Yeah, I just don't see the family resemblance.

Oh, that's because I acquired a higher than usual number of dominant genes from

my mother's genome.

Okay,

now I see it.

Zoe! Oh, good. Well, this is Gary. Gary, this is Skylar. Hello. Nice to meet

you. And, of course, my father.

Wow.

Professor March, it is an honor.

Oh, forget it.

I hug Professor Harold March.

Technically, you're still hugging Professor Harold March.

Gary is a very affectionate person. That is one of the things that I love most

about him.

That and my dangerous criminal history.

I'm kidding.

It's my sense of humor that she loves.

I'm not a criminal anymore.

Kidding again. I can't turn it off.

It happens when he's nervous.

Like at my murder trial.

I'll stop now.

Is that drug lord still single?

Nice.

So, Gary, what do you do?

Well, I got my master's degree in psychology at Stanford, and now I do

I'm not kidding.

Hypnotist? Really?

Sorry, you make people cluck like a chicken.

No, he's a hypnotherapist. He helps people quit smoking, lose weight,

phobias. He is changing people's lives.

But occasionally I make the really mean ones cluck like chickens.

I'm kidding.

You know, a friend of mine used hypnotherapy to get over his fear of

Did it work?

Unfortunately, yes.

Tell me, Gary, can you help people who consistently make bad choices?

Or someone who's pig -headed so that they stop offending people?

Or somebody who ignores the good advice of a friend?

Oh, sure, I can help all those people, yeah.

Well, that's quite impressive.

And you have nice skin.

Zoe!

You're looking well. Yeah, so are you.

Thanks for sending me those sand yams, by the way. You know, I canned them and

made candied sand yams.

I'd love to taste them. Oh, you can. I canned them.

You can can candied sand yams?

You can. You can can candied sand yams.

This is the worst Dr. Seuss book ever.

So, how's Charlotte? She's so great.

Oh, didn't you hear we got divorced?

Thank God.

Why does everyone always say that?

Let me introduce you to Gary.

Oh. Gary.

Gavin, this is Gary. He's a hypnotherapist. Hi. Oh, that's so cool.

Wait, will you put me under? I've been dying to know what it's like. Oh, that's

not really what I do.

Oh, so you don't really know how to hypnotize people.

No, I do.

Oh, cool. Okay, great.

Make me think I'm a monkey. No, that would be too embarrassing.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, do it.

Okay, I'll try, but this is not the ideal environment for me.

Hawaii is.

Hawaii. Good one.

I see you've already hypnotized him.

Okay. What I'd like you to do is take a deep breath and listen to the sound of

my voice.

Oh, you hate him, right?

Uh,

no.

Quite the opposite.

Really? I've liked him ever since that long, lingering hug failed to make me

excruciatingly uncomfortable.

Wow, I must say, I'm touched by your enthusiasm.

Where are you going?

Oh, to put more money in the meter. I thought that you would have offended

and we would have left by now.

Three, two, one.

All right, what should we have her do?

Make her talk like a vampire.

Make her think it's Thanksgiving and her head's made of cranberries.

No, no, no.

Make her think she's a pimp and she drinks out of a goblet and she says

like, Hey, bitch, give me my money!

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Make her think she has no butt.

What's funny about that?

If she has no butt, she can't sit down.

Well, what's there instead of her butt?

Uh, nothing.

Well, that's weird. So her legs just go right into her back?

Does it bend there?

I don't know. Yeah.

Well, then she can sit down.

Well, it's better than talking like a vampire pimp.

Oh, oh, oh. I know what. I know what. I know what. Okay.

This is good.

Get her to think that Stuart is Jude Law. She loves Jude Law. Okay. That's

Kath, I'm going to snap my fingers. And when I do...

You will wake and you will realize that the man in the bowling shirt is Jude

Law. Yeah, yeah, and he's hiding here to research a role as a bookseller.

And he doesn't want anyone to know he's here, so he's going by the name of

Stuart. Anything else?

And she has no butt.

And three, two, one.

What's going on? Nothing. Nothing?

Can I get you anything?

Sure. Coffee?

Okay. I'm coming right up.

You were great, Melfi.

Thank you. I was worried I came off a little gay.

I'm so

impressed. You're really talented.

Hey, could you hypnotize me into not like chocolate?

Absolutely. Is that your weakness?

Totally.

And I'd be happy to do you.

I've been thinking about doing you since the moment I walked in here.

That's the way you say you're kidding.

I'm kidding.

But I'm not.

But now you are.

Maybe. I don't know.

And what are you two up to?

No good. I can tell you that much.

I'm kidding.

Sorry.

Madison Peeper!

Here you go. Come again.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we not say hi ten times before every conversation?

Sorry. You've got the most beautiful face I've ever seen.

I just want to lick it.

Okay.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm not Jude Law.

Right.

No, no, seriously. It's me.

It's Stuart.

It's me. I'm Stuart.

I'm Stuart.

I'm Stuart. Come on. Let's go.

I know. I feel like I'm dreaming.

Would you pinch me?

I'll show you where.

Oh, I knew we should have done the butt.

I've got to talk to you.

What's up?

That Gary guy just hit on me.

Really? Yeah.

I asked him if hypnosis could keep me from eating chocolate, and he said he

would be happy to do me.

Oh, he's probably talking about hypnosis.

Are you sure he was coming on to you?

Well...

because he always says he's kidding.

But it's kind of hard to tell because nothing he ever said is funny.

Before you say anything to Harold, you better be 100 % sure he was hitting on

you. Yeah, well, I mean, I guess you're right.

Now, whatever you do, don't flirt with Gary, okay? That's probably why this

whole thing started. You're very flirty.

I am not flirty. Oh, please. You were totally flirting with me yesterday.

Well, that was because I wanted the weekend off.

Uh, by the way, have you made a decision on that?

Yeah, take whatever you need.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, you guys are back. How was lunch?

Delightful. Gary made an ethnic slur at the expense of our waiter.

Fortunately, it turned out he was just kidding.

Well, sorry I missed it. I must say, I am so touched by your acceptance of all

this. I love you, Daddy.

Oh, Zoe, I love you, too.

I love you so much.

Well, as long as I'm here, perhaps I'll grab a book.

Not if it grabs you first.

I'm kidding.

Can you imagine a book grabbing a person? It's absurd.

Did you hear that, Skyler?

She called me Daddy.

She hasn't called me Daddy in years.

Thank you so much if it weren't for your advice right now, we'd be in a huge

fight. Oh, Harold, well, I'm glad I could help.

Now, Gary.

Oh, hi, Skylar.

Just checking out the biographies.

I like to keep abreast of titillating personalities.

What?

Nothing. I just like to bury my face in a couple of juicy volumes.

We need to talk.

Listen, I never know if you're kidding or not, so I'm just going to ask you

out. Are you hitting on me?

Oh, yes.

Well, that is just the sleaziest, stupidest thing I can't believe.

I was so obviously kidding.

You were?

Yes. Oh, good.

I'm sorry. I just thought that you would have an understanding of my dry sense

of humor.

Being such a sexy, desirable, slightly nasty woman. Wait, wait, wait. You're

doing it again right there.

And don't tell me you're not.

How dare you? Harold is a friend of mine who loves his daughter, and you don't

deserve her. Let's take it down a notch. Oh, take it down a notch?

Just relax, take a deep breath, and listen to the sound of my voice.

A gift.

Wow, a martini shaker.

Yeah, I read in Newsweek that you collected them.

This must have been really expensive.

Why is what Jude Law collects news?

So you like it?

It's actually the coolest gift I've ever gotten.

Really?

Oh, that's so sweet. I heard Steven Spielberg gave you a Vespa. It was all

CNN.

We're in a war. How is this news?

What's wrong with you?

Jude Law and I lead very different lives.

You think?

People giving things for no reason. Women throw themselves at him. He looks

great in a scarf.

Look, his life isn't so great. He has no normalcy. Believe me, he's a very

unhappy guy.

How do you know?

I read it in the Wall Street Journal.

Look at all the good he does for the world.

Don't you think he tapes himself a little too seriously?

For what it's worth, I think he looks great and the music is timeless.

You're a creep.

Well, you're giving me mixed signals. What is wrong with you two? How could

do this to Zoe? Okay, everybody, just calm down.

Take a deep breath and listen to this. Stop that!

Zoe, hey, babe. Everything all right?

Actually, no. There's a problem with a patient of mine.

Chronic overeater. He's at a drive -thru.

Not much time.

Don't be afraid to get in between the toes.

Now you just sit back and relax and let me take care of these beautiful British

feet.

Honey, I think this has crossed the line into unethical and unsanitary. She

handles food.

Three, two, one.

You thought it was Jude Law.

I did and you took advantage of me?

Calm down, I did not. Believe me, you wanted to rub more than my foot.

Checking in with his parole officer.

I'm kidding.

God, it was funnier when he did it.

Oh, Harold, Harold.

You were right about Zoe.

Oh, yes. Isn't she brilliant?

Handy to sand, yes.

No, no, no, no.

No, thanks.

No, thanks.

No, what I meant was you were right about her choices in men.

She does pick losers.

Especially Gary.

You know, he hit on me.

What?

I know. He's a bad guy, Harold.

I have to tell Zoe.

She's going to hate me again when I can't stand by and watch her get hurt.

I'm sorry, Harold.

It's not your fault.

Unless you're being flirty with him like you are with me.

I'm not flirty with you. Hey, my eyes are up here.

My dad really seems to like him.

Yeah, he certainly seems to.

And you like him too, right?

Well... He's funny. So funny.

He asked me to move in with him.

Wow, that's so fast.

Do you think that I'm rushing things?

I mean, I guess that there's a part of me that's scared to take it to the next

level, but I'm sure that that's totally natural. No, no, no, no, it's not

natural at all. You have to listen to that part of you.

Really?

Zoe, open your eyes. He's not the guy you should be with.

Kevin, are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yes.

I like you, too.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Zoe, we need to... Oh, no.

No, no, this will not stand. No, no, Harold, we were just sharing a beer.

not enough for the sleazy hypnotist, but I will not stand by and watch you

destroy your life with him.

Wait, what?

This man is a failure.

A failure at marriage.

A failed writer who's running a failed bookstore. Everything he touches is

doomed to fail.

Why would you say that? Because you're an uptight neurotic mess.

And I will not stand by and watch my daughter get sucked into the black hole

that is your life.

Harold! I will date whoever I want to date, and I choose Gavin.

Call me when you get off of work.

I have to go talk to Gary. Goodbye, Harold.

Harold, I'd like it if you left, and I think you should find a new place to get

your coffee. Oh, don't be such a baby.

I just drove her into your arms.

You should be thanking me.

Wait, so you're happy?

Are you kidding?

This is marvelous.

You two are perfect for each other.

Wow.

Thank you.

Still, all those mean things, they'd just roll right off your tongue, didn't

they?

Believe me, if I had given you my approval, it would have been the kick of

death.

I do like Zoe. Well, welcome to the family.

Ew!

At least I thought I was kissing Bono.