Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Are you ready for the health inspector?

Oh, relax. It's Otis. Otis loves me. Mostly because he's a sugar junkie and I

give him free sweets.

It's hard for him to be a stickler for hygiene when he's the one who licks the

bowl.

Well, we can't afford any violations, all right? Make sure everything's nice

clean. Hey.

Oh, hi, Harold.

Wow, you're looking sharp today. New lady in your life? No, no. Same one I've

been seeing for years.

Oh, I didn't know that.

What's she like?

Dead.

She's my late wife. I visited her grave this morning. I always keep a flower

from the bouquet I leave.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just like talking with her. Always did.

Of course, she's a better listener now.

Well, how long has she been gone?

Six April's.

There's still mornings I wake and expect to find her lying there beside me.

Oh, Harold.

I hope someone will come talk to me when I'm not here anymore.

If you had a plot in Greenwood, I'm usually there twice a week.

Poor Harold. Do you know that he visits his wife's grave twice a week?

If my ex -wife had died, it might have saved our marriage.

It's so sad that he doesn't have anybody.

Someone to touch and hold and love.

We all need that.

Oh, that's for sure.

I should fix him up with somebody.

Yeah, I really don't think Harold wants to be fixed up. You know, I've been

going through a bit of a dry patch.

I know a lot of really great women.

I'm always open to meet new people.

Trust me, Harold doesn't want anyone meddling in his life.

He sits alone in a cemetery talking to a headstone. It's a cry for help.

Are you that insensitive you can't hear him?

Damn it, I'm lonely.

I believe you'll find that title in our self -help section. You know what? I

have a friend who would be perfect for him.

She was kind of my mentor. We used to have so much fun going to wild parties

hanging out with bands naked.

Skylar, point to the person you think is Harold.

it won't hurt to introduce them.

Besides, she's been with a lot of smart men.

She dated one of the guys in Devo.

You know what?

It can hurt. Listen to me.

Harold is a very private person. He likes that we leave him alone, so let's

agree to stay out of his personal life, okay?

Fine. But I'm a really good matchmaker.

I introduced my friend Brandy to all three of her husbands.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, my name's Risa. Risa Chiang, health department.

May I please speak to the person in charge?

Oh, well, I handle that. Is Otis sick?

Diabetic. They're taking his leg off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, all right. Well, I think you'll find everything in order.

Oh, God.

Oh, spilled milk.

You know what they say. No use crying over it. Unless it sits there, the

bacteria multiplies. A small child ingested gets sick and dies.

Then you'll be crying.

I think I already am.

Skylar? Oh, Stella!

Wow, you look great!

Wow, what's new?

What isn't?

Gavin, Gavin, here. This is my friend Stella.

Stella, this is Gavin, the owner.

Nice to meet you.

You know who he reminds me of?

Ricky.

Ew, Ricky?

What? Who's Ricky?

No one.

Um,

Del and I go way back. Lots of partying, lots of tour buses.

She's a data guy in the same band as my old boyfriend.

I think it was your old boyfriend.

Well, I'll leave you two to stroll down memory lane, or stagger, as the case may

be.

Where's this guy you want me to meet, huh? Anything to get my mind off that

in the ass, Julio.

I'm glad that's over. Well, Harold is nothing like Julio.

And he's right over there.

Oh.

Distinguished. I like the stache. Mary John Oates.

Yeah, let's do this.

Harold. Huh? This is my friend Stella.

She just came by to visit me.

Harold's a scientist.

And Stella used to be a...

Christian scientist.

But one of my implants drifted and I needed a doctor. So that was that.

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

Well, Stella, I'm going to go do some work. So do you want to stay for a

bit? Harold will keep you company.

What?

Stella's very interesting.

She works at Macy's.

Oh, not anymore. I have a mobile dog grooming business.

I have a van with a tub in it and everything.

I can't believe it. You're trying to fix that woman up with Harold.

Oh, take a van, X. They're cute together.

We had an agreement. Society breaks down when people make agreements and don't

stand by them.

God, now when you talk, all I hear is Ricky.

Everything here seems to be very clean.

I just need the owner to sign this.

Um, Stuart.

Uh, Stuart, this is Lisa, Lisa Stuart.

Uh, my name is Risa.

Although I'm Asian, I am perfectly capable of saying the letter L.

Oh, um, um, my God, I thought, so sorry.

Excuse me?

Katrina. Oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean so sorry as in so sorry.

thailand human beings oh my god what's happening uh uh in her defense

she uh she she she she drinks i just remembered some things i may have

overlooked i need to see your food service permit that's uh right over here

so sorry i really you have 24 hours to fix these violations

When I was working at this plant store, I got on fire.

I was trying to light a cigarette off a tiki torch, and I had big hair then.

And, well, just... And that's how I lost my eyebrows the second time.

The third time.

Oh, sorry, Stella. I didn't mean to leave you alone so long. Oh, that's

Harold here is very good company. But I do have to run. How much do I owe you

for the muffin? No, no, no, please.

It's on me.

Well, then to pay you back, you have to let me take you to dinner.

What? Are you serious?

It's hard to tell with your uneven eyebrows.

I was in a hurry this morning.

You know where you guys should go? You should go to that little French place

across the street. Oh, well, I don't know. I mean... How about seven, huh?

He'll see you there.

Then it's a date, apparently.

Terrific.

Bye, Skye.

Bye, Ricky.

He really does remind me of her.

Did you fix everything for the health inspector?

Yes, but I feel terrible.

I can't believe anyone would think I'm a racist. How can I be a racist when my

landlord's Pakistani?

What does that have to do with anything?

It's just, I'm a good tenant, so...

Oh, I'm so happy you like him, Stella.

Oh, yeah.

about what a jerk that Julio is.

Big date.

Bad news.

She went back with her ex.

Oh, yeah, I hardly think Harold has had any tears.

I doubt that he's interested in the same women as David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar.

Sammy Hagar?

Yeah, he really screwed up that rock band, band Halon.

Morning, Professor.

Oh, morning.

Skylar, I must thank you for introducing me to that captivating woman.

Action was electric.

Would I be showing my hand if I called her now and asked for another date?

I'd wait.

You're right.

Nobody likes an eager Edgar.

I'll give it till after lunch.

Oh, wow.

He really likes her.

See? I am a good matchmaker.

No, you aren't. Both people have to be interested in each other for you to be a

good matchmaker.

This is a mess.

What you are is a messmaker.

What are we going to do?

Oh, not we.

You. You have to go tell Harold that Stella's not interested.

Okay.

Fine.

Harold,

can I talk to you for a second? Sure, my little Cupid.

Where's your bow and arrow?

Well, I think I left it on my cloud.

Wonderful. Utterly impossible, of course, as clouds are merely vapor.

Listen, Harold, about Stella.

Did you know Stella is Latin for star?

The name fits her like a glove. She positively sparkles.

Oh, well, that's because she mixes glitter in her foundation.

It was a magical evening.

I didn't even realize what I'd been missing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Harold, are you sure you want to go out with her again? Oh, my, yes.

Stella is as beautiful as the moon.

From here on Earth, up close, the moon looks like Bakersfield.

I couldn't break it to him.

This is why you don't fix people up.

Well, it's a little late for that advice now.

Hindsight's 20 -20.

It wasn't hindsight.

It was foresight.

Potato, potato.

Okay, this is what we do.

We're going to hook Harold up with somebody else so we can forget about

But you can't just distract him with another shiny object. He's not a kitten.

I know. He's a man.

They're easier.

Oh, I'll call my friend Janice. I hear she's backing into men.

Let's see. That's a good idea. Let's introduce a fragile man to a conflicted

lesbian.

Well, do you know anybody better?

Oh, I am not going to participate in this misguided attempt to cover up

Oh, wait a minute. I do know someone.

My former medieval lit professor, Lynn Archer Robinson.

What's she like?

Oh, she's... Brilliant.

Fascinating. She teaches out here. Now, she's even come into the store a few

times because she likes to buy her walking shoes down the street at

Wow. She sounds hot.

I'm going to call my friend Janice and tell her to shave her legs just in case.

Oh, hi, Risa. I think we've taken care of all the sighted areas.

Well, I have further questions.

Now, how many gallons of milk do you go through in a week?

I'm not sure. What's 12 times 7?

Why are you asking me?

Because all Asians are good at math.

Speak Thai. What did she say?

What are we laughing at?

Take me to your trash cans.

Hey, Harold, where'd you learn to speak Thai?

That's a funny story.

Thailand?

Hi again, Risa. Harold.

Excuse me?

I was being polite. What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I just want to apologize again for yesterday.

Well, you should apologize.

I am very proud to be a Thai -American, and I've worked very hard to assimilate

into this great nation and master the beautiful English language.

Look, I made an innocent mistake yesterday because... Because why?

Well, because... Yeah?

Yeah? Why?

Well, because sometimes you mix up your R's and your L's.

name is Risa anyways. It's like the worst possible name for someone who

their R's and their L's.

I'm sorry. Sorry, Risa.

Katrina's just, well, she's a stupid, stupid girl.

Excuse me? Oh, now, who's hypertensive?

No, you have to believe me. Listen to her.

I've never heard her mix up anything.

You are a very, very rude lady.

I don't like you, and you're all around lack of reverence. will be reflected in

my really, really lengthy report.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, she answers plain mean. Let's just call it speed of speed.

Excuse me?

to see you again. Kevin, I've told you you can call me Lynn. I'm not your

professor anymore.

Well, Lynn, thank you for coming down. My pleasure. I'm always glad to meet new

people. Plus, there's a two -for -one sale at Rockport.

I must say, you look great. What's your secret?

Divorce. It agrees with me. I travel.

I see friends.

I'm open to new things. Ah, well then, why don't I introduce you to Harold.

Harold, this is Dr. Lynn Archer Robinson.

Lynn was my literature professor in college.

Nice ascot.

Can I talk to you for a second?

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, but this isn't what I expected.

When you said you were introducing me to a friend, I assumed you meant a younger

person. Someone a bit like you.

What? Because I've always found you very attractive. Does that shock you?

Well, I mean, it does. Does it not shock you?

No, no. Does it shock you that it doesn't shock you?

Let's get back to Harold, please. No, no, forget Harold.

I know you think of me as your stodgy professor, but underneath this business

you... Well, nothing.

No, please.

I want to ride you like a bronco.

Please stop talking like this. You're here for Harold, okay?

Sorry, Professor, we were just reminiscing.

Okay.

Well, isn't this nice?

So, Lynn, did Harold tell you that he used to work for NAFTA?

Really?

I love rockets.

He actually sent man to the moon. That's true. You know how Neil Armstrong got

to be the first man on the moon? He won a game of rock, paper, scissors.

Really? What a fascinating story.

Gavin, what do you think?

Does it shock you?

Well, you know, I hear that rock, paper, scissors dates all the way back to

the...

Ancient Egyptians.

Although it was called Sandstone Tyrus.

Professor, where are you going? I think I've fulfilled my duty as a wingman.

Well, I guess I'll be going, too.

Call me if you ever want a ride.

I think it's time to call Stella.

Oh! Harold, Harold, no, no, wait.

Look, Stella really likes you, but... But what?

But she went back with her ex.

What?

When?

Late last night.

We had such a good time.

Oh, I know. I mean, some women just don't know a good thing when they see

I'm sorry.

That's why I wanted to introduce you to Lynn, because Skylar's friend was such

a... Flake. Oh, as opposed to Professor Cowgirl.

I wouldn't have even had to call her if you hadn't interfered in the first

place. Oh, excuse me for caring about someone.

Professor, wait.

No.

Think I won't.

I've had all the rejection, pity, and humiliation I can stand for one day.

you both for all your help.

Harold, please, we never meant to offend... Hello?

Okay, he hates us.

Well, it'll blow over, right?

I don't know, this sounds serious.

Yeah, Harold's never not here, even when he's sick. He's been spoken to about

that.

Good going, guys.

He was so concerned that he was lonely that you'd chase him out of the one

where he wasn't lonely.

Meanwhile, people who actually want a little help meeting someone are ignored.

We've got to go over and talk to him.

Well, if he's not going to talk to you on the phone, he's not going to talk to

us in person.

I don't know how much clearer I can be on this.

We need to think of a way to trick him into opening up the door.

Haven't you guys learned anything? You've gone into this whole entire mess

because of all your stupid scheming.

That's right.

Thank you.

Now, here's the plan.

I'll go over to his house. I'll knock on the door.

He'll open it for me because he trusts me.

Then you two will jump out.

it with you, Skyler. Come on, fix me up. I'll meet anybody.

Oh, well, okay, okay. I have this neighbor who's a physical therapist.

really, um, smart and funny.

Yeah, sounds ugly. What else you got?

Okay, remember, I'll knock on the door and you guys jump out.

Oh, I'm not sure jumping out is the best plan. The man is over 60 and butter's a

steak.

Get your foot in the door when he opens it so he can't close it. But I'm wearing

sandals. Oh, come on. You've got to come along. Now take one for the team.

What were you going to say when he opened the door?

Say you didn't get the hint when he hung up on you.

Harold, listen, we feel terrible.

Well, you should now. Go away. No, Emily.

Wait. Oh, my foot.

I'm sorry.

No, Gavin, you're standing on my foot.

Is that the pizza, honey?

It's you guys.

Were you, though?

How did you two... You heard the whole conversation. We hit it off. That's why

I'm still seeing Stella.

The conversation you had in Thai? We don't speak Thai.

Goddamn, public schools.

Listen, we're just going to get out of your hair. Sorry.

Hi, Harold. Sorry.

Skyler.

Gavin.

The truth is, I never would have called Risa if I hadn't been awakened to the

possibility of... romance.

So, for that, I thank you.

Harold, anytime.

Take care.

Katrina, by the way, I just wanted to tell you that I gave you a good report.

Oh, really? Thank you so much.

Yeah, well, I was being a little overly sensitive.

I've been very tense lately.

I think I just need to get raid.