Original subtitles

Morning, Kat.

Morning, Harold. I'll get your coffee in a minute. I'm a little swamped back

here. No, thank you. No coffee for me. Never again. I'm going cold turkey.

Since when?

Since I read the new study on the ill effects of caffeine.

It's a powerful and dangerous drug, your peddling.

Relax. It's just coffee.

I can relax.

I'm not a coffee drinker.

Anxiety and sleeplessness are two side effects.

Also decreased sperm mobility.

That's right, you're up all night and your boys can't dance.

Harold, that's not true.

It's a fact.

And sterility isn't the worst of it.

Coffee can cause respiratory problems and heart disease. You might as well be

pouring a hot cup of cigarettes.

Would you stop?

That's what you'll be saying to the pain as your calcium star bones snap like

bats.

Well, wait.

Carol. I love coffee and I hate lines.

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Somebody left their iPod here.

I'm sure the owner will be back for it.

Oh, they might be too embarrassed to claim it. Check the playlist out.

Spandau Ballet, REO Speedwagon, Christopher Cross.

How has this thing been lost?

Let me see that.

Oh, wow.

Carpenters? Richard Marx? This is unbelievable.

I know. We did melt that iPod over some nachos.

Make fun all you want. I think these songs are amazing.

I'm not going to apologize. I think it's hip to be square.

Oh, my God, hip to be square. It's on here.

Anybody find an iPod?

Well, of course, it's Stuart's. Now a nice check.

They were raised in the same environment, which I can only assume was

elevator.

What? No, it's not mine. Someone just called and said she left it here. She?

Oh, this could be romantic.

You could have a musical soulmate.

Well, I don't know about soulmate.

She sounded really hot.

My soulmate's hot?

I don't know.

They say things like, um, oh, and ooh.

And would you like thin crust or deep dish?

You think the pizza girl is hot?

She has a name.

She won't tell it to me, but she has one.

Can I help you find anything?

No, I'm good.

Do you believe that guy?

What guy?

That guy right there.

What's wrong with him? He's kind of cute.

But he's not cute. There's nothing cute about him.

Oh, you know, maybe the hair's kind of fun.

But he comes in here every day, and he acts like he's going to buy something,

and he never does.

It's all just a ploy. For what?

To use the bathroom.

Here he goes. He's about to make his move.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

And there he goes.

here every day just to use the bathroom?

Yeah. So he walks in here and robs us of, let's see, nothing?

Not nothing. Water, electricity, soap, paper product.

Well, you seem very cost -conscious for someone who spent $600 on a Yoda

costume.

Am I supposed to go to the Jedi Council on my street clothes?

Excuse me?

I called about an iPod I left here.

You? Yeah, me.

I can't believe it. I mean, you're so... Young and pretty.

Uh, thank you?

No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I just mean that you seem so cool.

Are you seeing anybody?

Um, I'm kind of just like my iPod.

No, no, no, no.

No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I'm not gay.

Though I have dabbled.

But, uh,

there's always been a guy watching.

you're still interested in women.

And Stuart was right. She's totally hot.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, well, don't tell her I said so because I think I freaked her out a

Hi there.

I believe this is yours?

Oh, thank you. I was so worried I'd lost it. Well, I can imagine. There's some

great songs on there.

I'm Gavin.

Carrie. Nice to meet you.

Is that iPod girl? I know.

Isn't it crazy? I mean, look at her. Great hair, beautiful smile.

Gatsby, little body.

I'm really confused.

Really? Sounds to me like you've made up your mind.

So, uh, reading anything good now?

Actually, The Great Gatsby. Oh, my God, that's one of my all -time favorites.

Yeah, I'm just halfway through. Well, have you got a treat in store? I won't

anything more, and I don't want to spoil it.

Well, maybe when I'm finished, I can come back and we can discuss it.

Oh, uh, sure.

Hey, have you ever been to that Japanese restaurant across the street?

Yeah, it's terrific.

I just love sushi.

Me too.

You should try it.

Oh.

Well, maybe I will.

Anyway, thanks.

You're welcome.

So, bye.

Bye, Carrie.

Excuse me.

Where's the restroom?

It's right back there.

Thanks.

Oh, I see. So if a hot girl comes in and wants to use the bathroom, that's okay.

Hey, I don't make the rules.

Okay. New rule. Shut up.

So?

Oh, yeah, uh, forget it. Oh, my God!

How'd you blow up with the only other person on the planet who likes Bobby

McFerrin?

For your information, I did not blow it. In fact, she was definitely into me.

Then why didn't you ask her out? You saw her. She's too young.

What do you mean? She's, like, 23.

Yeah, and I'm 35.

So? So, I'm just not interested in dating some girl in her early 20s.

Do you realize what you just said has never been spoken by a man in the entire

history of the world?

I'm not saying I'm not interested, interested. It's just my range of

mates is 28 to 38.

Excluding girls turning 30. That's just 12 months of crazy.

Well, based on her musical taste, she's in her mid -50s. So, average it out and

she's right in your mate zone.

She did seem kind of mature for her age.

You should go for it.

Don't worry. Be happy.

Oh, no, go ask her out. I swear I'll do it myself.

For you, I mean.

Carrie?

Yeah, I was wondering if you want to maybe go to dinner at that Japanese

restaurant tonight?

You mean like on a date?

Yes, a date.

Oh, great. I'd love to.

You know, I was beginning to think everyone in this bookstore was gay.

Porcelain Bandit.

Why does this upset you so much?

Because he thinks he's putting one over on us. He thinks we're just a bunch of

patsies. You've lost your mind.

You think other stores would allow you to come in every day and never buy

anything?

Victoria's Secret kicks you out after 45 minutes.

You know what? I know one of those girls that works down there and she says

you've got chocolate ice cream all over the water bra.

I defy any man to be in there and not squeeze one.

Don't make it sound so creepy, okay? I was there with a friend. Who?

Skyler. Did she know?

That's completely irrelevant.

Well, I'm not letting this guy get the best of me.

Come on, I want to see this. Well, I don't want to watch someone go to the

bathroom.

Check it out.

The restroom is for customers only.

Ooh, very intimidating.

It is.

See how I get the flames that shoot up out of the letters?

It's a new font I downloaded called Helvetica.

Get it?

I feel like I'm in Helvetica.

Natural conversation.

So it was only after he invented the telescribe that Thomas Edison became

as the Wizard of Menlo Park.

Um, thanks, Stuart. I always wondered when he became the wizard.

I don't believe it.

He just blew past the sign.

Yeah, like it was made of paper.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I overslept.

Really? Any particular... particular reason?

Carrie and I were up late.

Ooh.

No ooh.

We just talked. It was our first date.

So it's gonna be a second date?

Yep. Tonight. She's cooking dinner for me at her place.

Ooh.

Okay, yeah. Tonight there may be some ooh.

Anyway, thanks for pushing me to go out with her. You know, Carrie is amazing

and I know it's only been one date, but I really feel like this could go

somewhere. Oh, see? This proves you should take my suggestions more

Like... I'm not getting a colonic.

More than anybody.

Just do me a favor, okay?

When he comes out of there, tell him he can't keep freeloading.

Me? You're the one with the problem. Why don't you just do it? Because I hate

confrontation.

I'm sorry.

I saw you browsing before, and I was wondering if there maybe was anything

like to purchase.

Actually, I would, but I didn't realize how late it was. I really need to get

back to work.

Come see us again.

I will.

What the hell are you thinking?

Come see us again?

Why don't you just go in there and shake it for him?

So was that dinner.

Can you believe we only met yesterday?

Yeah, it feels like I've known you so much longer.

I know.

You are so beautiful to me.

Caught some minor corruption.

Anyway, good night. Wait a minute.

Something here smells fishy.

Were you cooking?

Yeah, I just kind of felt like it.

That's great, Care Bear.

Do me a favor and put this away.

Gab, why are you still here?

I wonder if you could install this memory I just bought.

Oh, yeah. Well, actually...

I have another computer emergency I need to attend to. Oh, okay. Well, then

what's your company's number? I'll just call them and hand send somebody else

over. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? You know what?

Memory? Yeah. Give me the memory. I mean, come on.

How long can it take to put it in the thingy?

And you better get to bed, young lady. You've got spirit squad in the morning.

I'll just take a look at some self -help tiles and I'll just self -help myself

to that toilet.

And you wonder why the pizza girl won't tell you her name.

Why doesn't this bother you?

Because I'm not cynical.

You look at him as the enemy trying to take advantage of you. I see a nice,

polite guy who probably just works in an office with a lousy bathroom.

So what if he doesn't buy a book today? He'll buy one tomorrow and then another

the week after that and...

Eventually, because we treated him so nicely, he'll end up being one of our

customers. And maybe even someday a friend.

What kind of thick nonsense is that?

Now, quick, before he makes his move, go in the bathroom, lock the door, and

don't come out until I knock six times. Seven times. No, no, no, no. Shave and a

haircut.

He's on the move. Go, go, go, go, go. You know what? I can't listen to you

anymore. You want to treat customers like crap? Oh, we'll do it. Hey, pal.

Yeah? Look, I don't know what twisted game you're playing here, but we're not

bunch of patsies.

From whence you came? Oh, now you get involved?

What? What?

I don't come here to use the bathroom. I come here to see you.

I always wanted to ask you out, but every time I work up the nerve to speak

you, I chicken out and hide in the bathroom.

You always seem so nice and pretty.

Really? But you're not.

You're not a nice person at all.

I am so sorry.

Shut up, you idiot. Don't tell him.

That sure nice? Got it.

Why aren't you calling?

I'll never catch him. Why not?

He's speeding off in his Porsche.

His Porsche?

I'll be a Victoria's Secret if need be.

Harold, have you seen Skyler?

She had her on an errand. What's wrong?

I'm freaking out.

Turns out this woman I've been seeing is not exactly who she said she was.

The key is to check for an Adam's apple.

Thanks, Harold. And the hands, they can't fake the hands.

Oh, there you are.

She's 17.

What are you talking about? Carrie, the girl you made me ask out, the girl you

said was 23, she's 17.

What? I mean, I said she was like 23.

17 is nothing like 23. It's much more like jail.

Guessing I'm in everybody's mate zone.

I can't believe you did this to me.

What? You two didn't... No, no, but only because her mom and dad came home and

busted us. Oh, that's horrible.

I hope they didn't call your parents.

It's not funny. This is all your fault.

Why, don't blame me, R. Kelly.

What, you went on two dates with her. How could you not realize she was a

teenager? Because she pretended to be older and she was very convincing. You

her. She looked nothing like a high school student.

what she was wearing last night because you don't have much of a case.

That was hot yesterday.

I was getting caught like that.

That was not hot, all right? Are you kidding me? That was horrible.

Plus, nothing happened. Plus, I don't know you. Now, go away.

Are you breaking up with me? Yes. I mean, no. We never went out. Look, just

out of here.

Why are you upset?

Because you lied to me. You're not a real estate agent. You're 17.

And a half.

Half doesn't matter.

But I thought it would be, like, totally hot and junk to pretend to be all

businesswoman -y.

Yeah, you're right. She does sound really mature.

Come on, Gavin.

Don't give this up.

We're good for each other.

It was because of you I got an A on my book report.

You helped her on her homework?

I didn't know it was homework.

An A, huh?

Is it because of my analysis of Fitzgerald's use of the flawed narrator?

Oh, my God, let's make out again. No, no, listen to me.

Harry, you're half my age, okay? Now, I'm sorry, but I want you to leave.

What you did was bad. Very, very bad.

Ooh, you want to spank me?

Yes! I mean, no!

Stop talking like that!

Carrie!

Todd, what are you doing here? I followed you.

Who's this douche?

This is Gavin.

We're dating.

No, we are not dating.

He called you a douche.

You been busy the past two nights?

Okay, look, you really need to take this out of here. Yeah, let's take it out.

Let's take it right out to the parking lot. Fight, fight, fight, fight!

I'll throw up.

Oh, um, sorry.

Chicken.

Look, I'm not gonna fight you.

Why are you afraid I might knock out your dentures, Grandpa?

Dentures? I'm only 35.

35? Oh, gross!

Hannah told Griffin that she saw you hooking up with Allie after the game on

Friday night.

Hannah's lying because she's pissed that Maddie invited us to Brandon's house

and we snaked the cake.

Now it's go time, old man.

Enough.

Now it's me who should take over. It's not with Gavin, but with the duplicitous

Hannah. For no one only slandered the good name of Allie, but also callously

dragged Griffin into her web of lies.

Please tell me to make out with this dude, too.

Go back to high school. Stop pretending to be an adult and never come back here

again, all right?

And you, if you're not out of my store in five seconds, I will kick your ass

until it is grass.

What does that mean?

It was a thing when I was in high school.

You hear it about ten times a day.

You know what? I'm out.

Carries, give me back my iPod.

Wait. It was your iPod?

Oh, my God.

Todd's your soulmate.

It's my mom's.

Well, it's your mom's.

Is she hot?

You're really attractive. I can't believe you can't find a girlfriend.

No.

No, it's for Gavin, not for me.

What? Yeah, how old is she?

I don't know. Old.

Like him.

Well, is she single?

Okay, please stop this, all right? Haven't you caused enough problems?

Oh, come on, Gavin. Don't you want a wang chong tonight?

Answer the question, Todd.

Hey, Kat. Where should I put Sweet Valley High?

Romance?

I think Gavin likes to put in young adult.

it when things get old.

Oh, come on, Gavin. Look at it this way.

You dumped the head cheerleader. You stood up for the captain of the football

team. It's every guy's high school fantasy.

Huh. Never thought of it like that.

Not that I didn't have my moments in high school. I dated a cheerleader then.

Flag girl. Same thing.