Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what's inside to the new story of my life.

Hey, Harold.

Stuart, I was cleaning my old NASA stuff out of the garage and I found six cases

of Tang.

Do you want it?

No, I don't want your old tang.

The astronauts really drank that, sir? No, they hated it. That's why I'm stuck

with all this tang.

You know, just throw it out.

I can't. I refuse to throw anything away that's still perfectly good.

Maybe there's some food bank that could use it.

Good idea.

I'll make some calls.

Uh, nice rack.

Thank you, Gavin. I was beginning to think you didn't even notice.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I was, uh, I was referring to the new, uh, magazine rack.

would never make a comment like that about your, uh, your... You see, I'm

boss, and, uh, it's my job to provide you with a safe work environment free

any sort of sexual innuendo. Well, it must be really hard.

Oh, no, I blew it already.

Very cute, Skyler.

Sorry. Won't happen again.

Can I get some help?

Coming.

Kevin, you handled that really well. I, for one, appreciate a workplace free

from sexual harassment.

Thank you, Kat, for noticing.

Keep it up, cowboy.

Thanks for straightening those, Skyler. I really do love that rack.

Yeah, well, it certainly holds the magazines.

I, uh...

Wasn't talking about that rack.

Oh.

What were you talking about?

What do you think I was talking about?

Were you perhaps talking about... Well,

hello there.

Dentist? Your phony excuses used to be so colorful.

Now it's like you don't even try. You might as well come on time.

No. You see this? Look.

Look at it. What am I looking for?

My wisdom teeth are coming in, and it's very painful, and I have to get them

out.

Well, that's okay. Everyone has to get their wisdom teeth out.

Twice?

Does everyone have to get their wisdom teeth out twice? Because I do. I have

sets of wisdom teeth.

That can happen? It's very rare, and my dentist has only heard of two cases in

18 years.

The other is a janitor from Chernobyl.

Stuart, can I sell these peanut butter balls? I need to make some extra money

pay for my freak teeth.

You know what you should be selling, Captain?

Tang.

Harold?

No, no, no, no. He meant Tang.

The drink of the astronauts.

You should make Tang bars.

They're like lemon bars, but instead of lemon, you use Tang.

but I don't think anyone's going to want to buy something called a tang bar.

So how about it, Harold? You want some of my cat's balls?

Morning.

Morning.

Excuse me, I just had to... Sure.

I want to talk to you about a dream I had.

Put your master's in psychology to work here.

What would you say Abraham Lincoln represents?

Wow, a Lincoln dream, huh?

Well, on an unconscious level, I would think he would stand for what we feel is

just or right.

What happened in the dream?

I had sex.

With Abraham Lincoln?

Well, that's pretty clear.

You're gay.

The Emancipator's setting you free. I'll call Mom.

It was a woman. What was Lincoln doing there? I don't know. That's what I'm

trying to figure out.

All right, well, did you know the woman?

Uh, yeah.

Well, who was it?

That's not important.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

Dreams are symbolic, not literal.

And this is a safe zone. There's nothing you can tell me that's out of bounds.

All right, fine.

It was Skyler.

Skyler? Yeah.

You know I like her. Back off. Oh, please. I'm not into her. Of course you

You had a sex dream about her. A Lincoln three -way.

Lincoln just watched.

And you just said the dreams were only symbolic.

Well, that's when I thought you were gay.

I can't believe you're doing this again.

Again? What are you talking about? Jenny Wasserman. Are you kidding me? Jenny

Wasserman? You are not bringing that up. Yes, I am. I told you. She came on to

me. Of course she did.

She and I were innocent high school seniors, and you were the college stud.

You took advantage of that, and you stabbed me in the back.

College stud.

I only came home to get my back brace tightened.

And you weren't dating her. She thought your name was Steven.

Well, Skyler calls me Stuart. Oh, I had no idea things had gotten so serious.

It was just a dream.

Do you know what I've been dreaming about lately, Gavin?

Would you please keep it down so Skyler doesn't hear?

Panthers. And do you think I want to go to the Panthers? I don't know.

I absolutely want to go to the panda exhibit at the San Diego Zoo. Do you see

the correlation?

Stuart, dreams are not reality.

But they come from a very real place.

See? See? Thank you, Harold.

Back at NASA, I built a robot named Baker.

We played chess together, like friends.

Then I shot him into space.

Now I have a recurring dream that he crashed back to Earth and is hunting me

down, fueled by revenge.

Well, there you are. Proof that dreams are nonsense.

Nonsense?

That robot was like a son to me.

Except I loved him.

Okay, let's get back to Gavin's next dream.

You? Had a sex dream?

Okay,

you see, this is a workplace, and we are not going to talk about my sex dream.

That's because you feel guilty, which you should.

You're so uptight. What's the big deal? This is a sex dream.

I had a sex dream about one of you.

That extreme was about me, okay?

I was the last person she looked at before she said it.

And I haven't been wearing under shirts all month, so that's probably why she

had it.

All right, fine. She meant you, okay?

Now, can we please put this topic to rest?

Hey, not so fast.

I recognize that tone.

What tone? What are you talking about? There's no tone.

You don't believe she dreamt about me.

I'm going to prove it to you.

No, Stuart.

Don't. Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? I don't ask, and you're

running around thinking you're having sex dreams about each other.

Stuart, Stuart, listen to me. Skyler works for us, okay? You can't ask her

a sex dream that could be construed as sexual harassment.

Fine, I won't find out.

Or I will find out, but in such a subtle way that nobody, including Skyler,

knows I found out.

Stuart, don't find out.

I won't.

As far as you know.

I'm serious.

Look, don't worry. You have plausible deniability.

What the hell are you talking about?

Exactly.

Hey, Kat, how's it going?

Not so good. I haven't sold one peanut butter ball, and I'm in horrible pain.

Awesome. Look.

Skylar had a sex dream about either me or Gavin.

I need you to find out who.

Well, I can do that for you, but it's going to cost you.

Okay, what?

Okay. You're going to have to buy five, no, ten, no, fifteen of my peanut butter

balls.

I'll take one. All right.

Now, bring me what I have ordered, chop -chop, but please do it with subtlety.

Right. Hey, Cy, which brother did you have a sex dream about?

Katrina. That's all you get for one ball.

Actually, it was about Harold.

Who? What?

I remember I was tied to the hood of his Jaguar, completely naked.

Oh, that's all I remember.

Well, maybe I was tired.

Is she looking at me?

Who? Skylar, you heard the dream.

The sexual tension in here is overwhelming.

What can I do to stop driving a while?

I don't think it's possible, Harold.

You're probably right, but I've got to try.

Excuse me.

Would you like to buy a few of my peanut butter balls?

No, thanks. Are you sure? I mean, look at these little...

Oh, that poor little girl. It's just like a young Ashley Olsen.

You know what?

I'll take it back at five.

That is Ashley Olsen. No, it's not.

It's Mary Kate.

You may have a phony charity to pay for your wisdom teeth.

No, I made a sign that promotes helping children. I'm coincidentally also

selling peanut butter balls. If people wrongly associate the two, it's not my

fault.

Oh, go get me a National Geographic.

You know, I actually came over here to buy some of your peanut butter balls.

But now I don't want to.

But I'm going to anyway because I love peanut butter even more than I hate what

you're doing.

Why is God doing this to me?

Oh, I don't know, Kat. I just don't know.

Are you jumping?

when you had a sex dream about Skylar? Oh.

Oh, you were choking.

Good going, Gavin.

Are you, uh... Are you all right?

Your sex dream was about me?

Oh, God. For a second there, I really thought I was dying.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Oh, that's terrifying.

No, it was amazing.

I've done a lot of really fun things.

Well, I'm just glad you're all right.

Wait, no. Aren't you going to tell me about our sex trip?

Please, let's not talk about this.

Oh, come on. What was it like?

Cuffs? Hot wax?

Feathers?

Or did the sex get kinky?

All right, Skylar, enough. If you say sex one more time... Sex! Skyler, I'm

serious. Boobies.

If this continues, I'll be forced to document these conversations with an

attorney. Oh, God, Gavin, if it makes you that uncomfortable, I won't talk

sex.

Even though I know you're hot for me.

What? Only in my dream.

Oh, really?

Only in your dream? Yes, that's right. In my waking life, well, you're just not

my type.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm interested in more than just physical beauty.

Oh. You think I'm beautiful?

Well. You know, yes.

But that's all you think I got going for me?

No, no.

You're sneaky, too.

You think you're better than me. What? I never said that.

That's why this bothers you so much. You hate that you're attracted to me.

Oh, come on.

You had a sex dream about Harold. Are you honestly going to tell me that

attracted to Harold? Of course, Gavin. It's preposterous to think that anyone

would be attracted to me.

No, Harold, I just... If my late wife were here, she would beg to differ.

I'm sure she would. Oh, you're so condescending. Yeah, he is.

And he's been that way ever since high school when he stole my girlfriend.

What? I cannot believe this. A woman comes to work here and we all go insane.

What?

I'm not a woman?

Oh, no, Katrina, I just mean... He said that I'm not a woman. Got it.

Can I please just have one argument at a time?

If you're this uptight and repressed about dream sex, I can only imagine what

thrill ride you are in real life.

Don't let my sense of decorum fool you. I'll have you know I am a rough -and

-tumble customer in the bedroom.

Oh, right.

You probably don't make a sound during sex. What I do during sex is between me

and me alone.

That doesn't surprise me.

This is unbelievable.

Everyone's mad at me because you had to take a tiny little thing and blow it all

out of proportion.

Did you squeeze my stress penguin?

No. Then why is he all lumpy?

I didn't squeeze it.

Well, don't.

You know, none of this would have happened if you weren't so insecure.

Am I insecure?

Yes. Yes, you are.

That's why you freaked out about my silly dream.

You were so scared that I was going to steal Skylar from you, which is

impossible, by the way, because you don't have her.

Well, why in the world would I be afraid of that?

Oh, yeah, maybe it's because you always swoop in and steal everything I want.

Oh, God, Jenny Wasserman again?

No, not just her.

I mean, if I like something, you always got to take it.

Maybe because I was the new baby and I took the spotlight off you, but you're

supposed to grow out of that.

Look at me.

I'm not the new baby anymore.

This is ridiculous.

Is it?

You took my My Best Pal doll.

It's supposed to be my My Best Pal, not your My Best Pal.

And in high school, you knew I was saving up for a perm, so you got one

And you always eat the first piece of my birthday cake.

That piece is for the birthday boy.

You're acting like a child. You're the child, child.

Why don't you just go back out there with your pretend girlfriend?

You know, I bet Skylar's right, man. I bet you are bed and bed.

Jenny Wasserman didn't think so.

Maybe I should get one that looks like your face so I can squeeze it like this.

You punctured my penguin!

Oh, my God.

Oh, is this stuff toxic?

Hi, somewhere in Los Angeles, I think.

Listening for Jenny Wasserman.

Oh, the sex dream about Harold, huh?

Oh, you know what? I figured out what that was about.

I fell asleep watching an old James Bond movie, and in my dream, I was making

out with a young Sean Connery. I've done that.

Who turned into old Sean Connery. I've done that. Who turned into Harold.

I've never done that.

I couldn't help overhearing my name just now.

Katrina, will you excuse us?

Skyler, there's something we need to talk about.

It's clear there's an elephant in the room.

Okay.

I'm flattered by your order, but I'm old enough to be a father, so it's never

going to happen.

I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Well, Harold, I don't know what to say.

No worries.

But, you know... We will always have this moment.

I'm going to go back over to my chair now.

I'll see you over there.

But...

It seems that in a moment of duress, I managed to offend all of you, and that's

the last thing I wanted to do.

Harold, I can certainly understand why any woman would be attracted to you.

Quiet! Poor girl just got over me.

Uh, Katrina, I'm sorry.

I never meant to imply that you were anything less than a woman.

If you were really sorry... I'm not buying any more peanut butter balls.

And, uh, Skylar?

I in no way think that I'm better than you.

Okay? Truth be told, I actually admire your uninhibited nature.

Oh, well, if you think that way, you should lighten up.

You don't have to be so formal and stiff all the time. We're all friends here.

You're right.

I'm going to do my best to loosen up and relax a little bit.

That's great.

Keep it up, cowgirl.

I owe you an apology.

I, uh, called Jenny Wasserman last night.

My Jenny Wasserman?

Stewart. Ah, I can't believe you after all this.

I only called her to find out if I was really the reason she didn't go out with

you.

And?

Well, at first she didn't remember either of us.

Then after I reminded her of my asthma attack during Hands Across America,

it turns out, uh, you were right.

She did like you.

Even though she thought your name was Steven.

I'm really sorry, Stuart.

I can't believe this.

Here.

What's this?

It's your phone number.

He wants you to call her. She's still single.

You're kidding me.

What's wrong with her?

Just call her, all right?

I don't know. It's been a long time. I've changed a little. What if we don't

have that much in common anymore?

That's okay. If you're not interested, I'll certainly give her a call.

More coffee, Katrina?

Katrina?

It's just a dream.

Bad dream.

Sorry I woke you, Jenny.

It's okay.

Go back to sleep, Steven.