Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what new life is, a new story of my life.

Stuart!

Did you read this? Random House is coming out with a complete...

annotated Faulkner collection. Stuart, that is not funny.

Let's take a vote.

Everybody who thinks it's funny, put your hand on your chin.

Why do you keep messing with my cardboard cutout? Why is that creepy

in our office?

Because I might decide to have another signing for my book.

What for? Mom already has a copy.

Oh, look at this. You creased it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I needed her for the carpool lane.

Oh, my God. I look like Howard Stern.

Seriously, why do you torment yourself with a constant reminder of your

It wasn't my failure, it's society's.

My book was universally praised and no one bought it. Meanwhile, Britney Spears

spits out a novel and Oops, I Wrote It Again tops the bestseller list.

Coffee.

Good morning, Professor.

Katrina's late.

No, she's not. She's right here.

I need my coffee.

Katrina makes my coffee. I can't possibly start reading the papers

coffee. She'll be here any second. I can't possibly wait that long.

Professor, is it just me or are the world standards deteriorating?

Standards can kiss my ass.

Standards keep people from taking chances.

In the space program, we had a poster up on the wall back when we were building

Apollo. It said, if you want to make an arm, then you've got to break a few

eggs.

I did not like that post.

Well, my point is just because the world has embraced a culture of superficial

sex -success shallowness doesn't...

What?

Well, call me old -fashioned, but if you're going to be in bed with two

one of them better be me.

Oh, where am I? I'm at a gun shop.

I'm pretty sure if I flash the clerk, he'll waive the three -day waiting

Hi. Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, I need a book on relationships.

Sure, but we have a three -day waiting period, so... Okay.

What exactly are you looking for here?

I just want to know why I keep feeling idiot.

I know they're only going to break my heart.

Why am I so attracted to bad boys?

Yeah, it's a bitch.

You know, I wish I could help you, but I don't give a damn about anything.

Well, that's just rude.

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Please don't go.

Books on human behavior can be found under psychology and self -help. And my

name is Stuart, and I can be found under dangerous men.

So can I.

That's why I need the book.

Stack books.

Finally.

Where's my car?

I don't know. Where's the life I always wanted?

Katrina, you're late again.

It's not my fault. It's the universe.

This morning, my car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus. And this guy

sitting next to me had some kind of seizure or something. And then this lady

screamed out, he'll choke on his tongue. Somebody stick your wallet in his

mouth. So I did.

I stuck my wallet in his mouth.

Let me guess. Then they ran off with your wallet.

No.

Yes. I mean, what's wrong with this world? What kind of person fakes a

Speaking of things that froth, where's my latte?

Well, if you need it so bad, why didn't you make it?

I only like the way you do it.

Oh, thanks, Harold.

It's nice of you to say I needed that today.

I'm just feeling, you know, so fragile.

Make the coffee!

I'm with a very hot, vulnerable woman over there, okay? I need to make my move

before she gets her self -esteem back.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Stuart, where's the phone? I'm expecting a call from Charlotte. Yeah, she

called. She's come by later with the kids. Wait, wait, wait. Did she, um...

she mention anything about dinner?

Dinner? Yes, it's our anniversary.

What anniversary? You've been divorced for two years.

Well, it's not so much a divorce as a period of reassessment with counseling

soul -searching.

And that guy, Gary. They were just friends!

You wouldn't understand. You're not married. Neither are you.

Do you know how pathetic it is to pursue a woman who clearly has no interest in

you? Hey, there she is, my new favorite customer.

You got a book. Which one?

I'll be your own soulmate. What a great choice.

Learn to depend on the friendly face in the mirror.

Wow, such incredibly profound words.

But would one expect any less from Danny Grinwall, associate professor of...

People science at College of the Desert?

Good school. Good school.

You truly want to understand yourself?

Then I have the book for you.

One that will take you on a transcendent journey into the human psyche.

Ah, Boundaries of Consciousness by Dr.

Edward Berlinger, a brilliant professor of clinical psychology at Yale.

His insights into the Jungian shadow and why humans are prone to repeating

unsound behavior are legendary.

He looks mean. No, thanks.

What? I don't like his picture.

He doesn't look happy.

Look at his eyes. He's covering something up.

It's 800 pages. He's tired.

And what's with that tacky necklace? I mean, who does he think he is? Flava

Flav?

That's a Nobel Prize.

Whatever.

I like this guy. I like his smile. He looks nice and happy.

Look, you can't buy a book based on the author's photo. That's the literal

cliche of judging a book by its cover.

Oh, really?

Like you just did?

Unless, of course, you've read this. Then you could tell me exactly where it

falls short.

Well, I... You can.

That's $22 .56.

a fun little challenge?

Completely change a book's story by altering only one letter of its title.

Tom Sawyer, for instance, becomes Tom Lawyer.

The story of a folksy attorney who defends civil liberty cases up and down

Mississippi.

Heart of Dorkness. The story of you.

Now get out of here.

Would you stop gawking?

God, she's so beautiful.

I suppose.

But I prefer a different kind of woman.

Like Charlotte.

She can speak four languages. She can converse on world affairs.

She can frost a martini glass just by touching it.

Oh, my God. This is unbelievable.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just this book. It's totally freaking me out. It's like I'm

reading about myself.

That's weird. I was just thinking the same thing.

What are you reading? An article about me.

Apparently a theory I had years ago about the effects of radiation on

structure turned out to be true.

Why would I like to tell a few Dowdy Thomases I told you so?

Well, like it says here, go with your gut, no if, and or but.

You should call those people.

Well, I would if they all died of radiation poisoning.

I suppose I could call the families, but it just seems mean to rub it in.

Ah, that strange man is Dr. Harold March, former head of the physics

at Caltech, who, not unlike Dr.

Edward Berlinger, is widely thought to be one of the world's great scientific

minds. Was I wearing a belt when I came in?

Harold, is it? Yeah. I'm Skyler. I hear you're really smart.

Do you think people can change?

Long answer or short answer?

Long answer.

Hell no.

Thank you. I'm ending my crummy relationship with my boyfriend.

Yes.

Yes.

So, what does this screwed up boyfriend of yours do?

Oh, he's in a band. I seem to have a thing for guys in a band.

And actors.

And pro athletes.

And circus performers.

I seem to have a thing for guys who are one naked girl away from realizing

they're gay.

What is wrong with me?

I'll be at a party and two guys will be hitting on me. One will be cute,

sensitive, has a great career. The other one's drunk, covered in tattoos, and is

licking my face.

Guess who I leave with?

I went to my senior prom with my brother.

Thanks. That really helps.

Eddie?

It's me.

Meet me at the bookstore at Lake and Green.

I'll tell you when you get here.

I am becoming the captain of Team Me.

You're breaking up with him here?

Well, it doesn't seem right to do it over the phone, and I definitely can't

it at home.

Why not?

Because he's destructive and crazy, and my cat can't take another fire.

When you see your boyfriend, who you're about to break up with here in our

meticulously designed store, which I recently renovated lovingly by hand, is

destructive and crazy, do you mean violent?

Only when he's drunk.

Oh, well, then thank God it's only two in the afternoon.

Okay, but listen, when he comes in, no matter how hard he tries to charm me,

he will, do not let me get sucked into going back with him.

Okay? Skylar, here at Stacked, we're all about helping. Excuse me. Not now, I'm

busy.

Well, you'll help me, won't you?

I just met you. When did this become the high school cafeteria?

I'm guessing that wasn't a happy time for him. Nerd table.

Oh, please, you were right there next to me.

Harold, I can count on you, can't I? Me?

I don't like to get involved in anyone's personal business. Besides, what did

this fellow do that was so bad?

I caught him in bed with two women.

You know, an atom with an unequal number of

protons and neutrons is usually an isotope.

What did that have to do with anything?

Nothing. I was uncomfortable, so I changed the subject.

If this boyfriend is so loathsome, why are you even tempted to get back with

him? What are you talking about?

You want to get back with Charlotte.

Charlotte is a wonderful, loving person.

Kat, help me out here. I did see her smile once when I burnt my hand on the

steamer.

And she was a nice cup of cocoa when she kicked you out.

You walked around like a zombie for months and you haven't written a word

Why don't you just let it go and move on, huh? Me move on?

You still see our pediatrician.

Gavin, Charlotte's one of those people who only wants what she can't have.

She'll never be happy.

Therefore, brother, she'll never be happy with you.

You know what?

You should give yourself a relationship x -ray.

Examine your goals. Express your needs. Expel negative patterns.

Gosh, it's so simple. Why haven't I been my own soulmate?

Don't beat yourself up. This guy worked long and hard to earn his Ph .D.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, there they are. Hey, kids. How you doing, guys? Hi.

Hi, Charlotte.

Hello, Gavin.

Kids, could you give us a minute? I need to talk to your father.

Daddy, is it okay if I take a book?

Sure, honey. You know nothing makes me happier than to see you read. What do

want? The new Rainy Spears novel.

Honey, you don't want that. It's just silly, ghostwritten drivel. Dad, your

didn't sell.

It's only two. And stay away from those sex ed books. You know damn well where

you came from.

So you, uh, got my message?

Gavin, I don't think it's such a good idea.

The truth is, I don't want to give you any hope towards a reconciliation

I've started seeing someone.

Huh. Oh.

Yeah. I'm only telling you because it could get serious.

He's a doctor.

A, uh, a reconciliation.

No, no, no.

No, no, that's not, that's not why I was, I was actually calling because, um,

well, I too have started seeing someone and, uh, I just didn't want you to find

out from someone else.

Kevin, don't pretend to be dating just because I am. I'm not pretending.

Look, it's inevitable that one of us moves on before the other. In this case,

happens to be me with a doctor.

Charlotte, I am seeing someone, and as a matter of fact, I, uh... Oh, wait, hang

on a second. My phone's buzzing.

Hello?

Yeah, I gotta take this.

Yeah, listen, I, uh, never received that shipment, and I don't know who you

think you're dealing with here, but I am certainly not gonna pay for something

that I didn't. I'm faking this phone call. Please pretend to be my

What?

My ex -wife, she, uh, she thinks I can't get a date. Please, I'm begging.

Isn't this a little high school cafeteria?

I deserve that, but still, I can't stress how much I need this right now.

Please. Oh, are you crying?

A little.

Of course, I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, be affectionate, but don't come on

strong. You know, more Eleanor Dashwood than Mary Ann Dashwood.

From Sense and Sensibility?

Don't whore it up.

Charlotte, I would like you to meet... Skylar Dayton. Skylar Dayton. Hi,

Charlotte. So nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

Ah, you two are... Friends, soulmates, lovers.

Yes, yes, and God, yes.

So, how long has this been going on?

Oh, how long have we been lovers, baby?

Well, uh... I would estimate that we have been lovers for about a month

now.

Baby?

Dad? Oh, Owen and Allegra, I'd like you to meet my friend, Skyler.

You might as well just tell them.

Kids, normally I'd like to prepare you for something like this, but your father

has made that impossible.

Dayton is your father's new girlfriend.

Whoa, way to go, Dad!

I've been looking forward to this. You know, your dad talks about you kids all

the time. Hey, Dad, we should take your girlfriend swimming sometime.

Um, Owen.

Yes? Aunt Allegra, you're even prettier than I imagined. Are you my dad's

midlife crisis?

Allegra, please.

Save your very accurate observations for the car ride home. Let's go.

But we just got here.

I said let's go.

Look at me.

Owen!

I said let go, young man!

Well, that's it.

She's moved on.

I'm totally depressed.

Well, listen to this.

In every break -up, you have a choice. You can focus on the break, or you could

focus on the up.

I'm beginning to understand why your boyfriend's drunk all the time.

Sky, there you are.

Uh, Johnny Walker straight up, thanks, mate.

Baby, I... I was so stupid today.

I just got so lonely. What, have you been gone all that time?

I was gone three hours.

But it was supposed to be longer.

Oh, my God.

Eddie Banks, I love your band. I've seen you guys like ten times.

Oh, thanks, baby. And what's your name?

Katrina.

I'm going to call you Cat.

Meow. Eddie.

What's going on? I don't know. I'm just trying to read the paper.

Is that her boyfriend, Freddy?

Eddie, I'm about to give him the boot.

It's over.

If you're not going to be a partner, I'm going to be a parter.

Huh?

Gavin. Charlotte. Ooh, Charlotte. Hi.

I've been thinking, you know, about the prospects of a reconciliation.

Really? Perhaps we should leave the door open.

Wow, that's... What about the neurologist?

Oh, I don't know. I guess seeing you with someone else made me realize what I

really want.

Katrina, can I get a nice cup of cocoa?

Stuart, you know we don't have cocoa.

That makes me want it even more.

Why do I only want what I can't have?

Just get the mocha. It's basically the same thing.

What are they talking about?

Uh, nothing. They're just...

reminded me of something I keep forgetting.

You know what, Charlotte?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass on your offer.

Oh, come on.

It can't be that serious with her.

No, no, no, it has nothing to do with her. You see, I gave myself a

x -ray, and, uh, well, I realized I need to focus less on the break and more on

the up, because, uh, damn it, it's time I start being my own soulmate.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know, but I feel very empowered.

Come on, baby. Why stop it now just for the one stupid mistake?

Two stupid mistakes.

A brunette and a redhead.

Fine. Two stupid mistakes. But see, when I was with them, I was only thinking

about you.

And another you.

Well, Eddie, listen to this. How about get out and another get out?

Oh, wow. Poor guy.

How'd he recover from getting dumped by a woman like that?

Hello.

Oh, there's a hottie.

You want to get a drink?

You know what?

Why not?

Well, for one, you have two children waiting for you in the car. Right.

Yeah, what about you, Kit Kat?

You want to get a drink?

Oh, my God, yes.

I was just proving a point, love.

You see, Scarlet?

I can have any woman I want.

I mean, no!

You know what?

This feels good.

Feels great.

It's like a whole new beginning.

A brand new start.

I'm going to get a new place to live, find a job.

I'm going to finally be my own soulmate.

Yeah, it's like the clouds have lifted.

You know what?

You can work here.

The clouds are back.

In a bookstore?

Me? Her? Here?

Why not?

Well, I am supposed to be changing patterns, and this would be the perfect

to stop meeting hot guys.

Can I have a word with you for a second?

What are you doing? Oh, come on. Let's hire her. She could be great for this

place. Add a little life around here. Don't be ridiculous. Do we really want

someone who's going to recommend books based on the author's pictures?

What? She chose College of the Desert Guy over Edward Berlinger. Edward

Berlinger? I just read about him.

Yes, he's probably won another award.

No, they found his wife's head in his freezer.

Really?

We open at 10. Don't be late.

He strangled her with his Nobel Prize.