Original subtitles

He who...

Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole.

Don't force it now. You're breathing it too shallow. You must fill your lungs

properly. You should be able to extinguish the candle without straining.

dear, it went on again now. Then try again.

Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole.

Harry's hoop...

Not... I sniff, shop, snuff.

Do you sniff, shop, snuff?

I snuff, snuff, shop.

Do you snuff, shop, snuff?

More slowly.

Think before you speak.

More slowly.

Think before you speak.

Repeat it. I'm telling you.

You were supposed to practice these. I have been practicing. I've been

and fizzling all weekend.

Fizzling? Fizzling.

Well, I got some of them right.

I smell seashells on the seashores.

I saw seashells.

I saw the sunshine shine.

Seashell shoes in a sheet.

I've got a bit of coke in the cold school shuttle.

Mr. Spencer, that is enough.

I'm still not at all clear why you want to take elocution lessons just because

your grandfather wants you to go to Australia.

Well, he also wants me to take the flying lessons, so I should be mixing

lot of upper -crust people and hobnobs.

Therefore, if I meet any XRF moustaches, I want to be verbally excruciating.

Well, I think we'd better have another look at your diphthongs.

Pardon?

A diphthong is a double vowel.

Ah. Eh?

I said, ah.

Eh, as in hey.

Eh, as in hey.

Oi, as in toy.

Oh, Mr Spencer, really, you must try to be more relaxed.

It's so important for good speaking.

And that's another thing. I notice you have a tendency to hum.

Well, I did a bit of gardening this morning.

Not that sort of hum. I mean, hum.

Don't keep making that noise.

Try not to punctuate all your speech with meaningless words and sounds.

Try to say a simple sentence without using hmm, I mean, oh, I see,

well, or using a nervous laugh.

Hmm. I mean.

We can go this morning.

Well, same time next week, then.

Mr Spencer, I really do think it would be better if you found yourself another

teacher. After all, I do have my health to consider.

was going to be before I got in here, did I?

If I'd said what I was and you were somewhere else, then I wouldn't have

there in the first place. And I wouldn't have come in here and you wouldn't have

been there today.

All right, all right, that's enough.

Have you seen Grandpa?

Yes. He's upstairs teaching the dog how to walk.

All right, there's no need to be silly.

Making our Columbo simple.

He knows as much as I do.

Oh, bless him.

It's the little things he does.

Yes, I've seen the little things he does.

Frank, you spoil that dog.

And what have you been shampooing him in recently?

Have you given a hen a rinse?

No, but I did wash Auntie Dingle's duck last week.

No,

you underestimate that dog. I may well enter him for chuffs.

You're not going to show him?

Show him what?

And why not, may I ask?

Your information is distinct visibility.

I've taught him all the rudiments of canine comportment. He's got a lovely

deportation. I've really trained that dog.

Yes, well, I just wish you could train your grandfather as well.

I'm getting sick and tired of him calling me Lettie and interfering with

housework and using our facilities for...

When is he ever used in proper facilities or purposes?

Yesterday. He was washing his long johns in the bathroom.

Well, couldn't you just ignore them?

Hardly.

Why don't you go and air your legs today?

Go up to London, see some of our national heretics.

There's Buckingham Palace and Westminster Abbey. Westminster Abbey?

full of dead poms. And I don't like cities.

I feel all sort of caged in. Where I come from, people are very close to

What do you mean, they smell?

I mean there's plenty of space to move around, and that includes the 20 ,000

acres belonging to me. Yes, well, I have quite a bit of land myself.

Oh, you do?

I know it's not quite as big as, say, Lord Monterhoo's Bulu, but we can call

our own.

Yes, we were very lucky to get this place. Lucky? It's practically fallen

You should have stayed in your own place.

I hardly think so.

That did fall down.

I suppose, you know, you've got dry rot. I can smell it in the hallway.

That's probably the cat. And who can be surprised after all the operations she's

gone through in the last week?

Four hours she was under the anacentric.

Having her perforations perforated, her personals interfered with, and then they

put them back the one way round.

Stay she's in now, she doesn't know whether she's having a wink or a

Jessica?

Have you been putting Daddy's aftershave on the cat again?

Hmm? Have you taken Daddy's Jungle Boy aroma?

Ah, well, that's a good girl.

What a good girl.

Because I told you not to play with Daddy's bathroom bottles, haven't I?

The dog's still recovering from his shampoo and set.

Oh, look.

There's the man next door.

What do we call the man next door?

No, not grumpy.

It's Mr Lewis. Let's wave to Mr Lewis, shall we? Come on.

Wave. Hello, Mr Lewis.

Don't look.

Gesturing at me like that with your vertical hammer.

Giving me dirty looks, eh?

Well, two can play at that game, can't they? I can look just as dirty as he

Shall I?

as I thought, afraid to show his voice.

And I'm not surprised that Spencer in anger is not a pretty sight.

Mr. Lewis?

and this side is mine.

I put this fence up to keep out unwelcome pets.

Including your dog.

Who has some very dirty habits.

So for a start, you can have this lot back.

Oh, you dirty dollop.

I've had enough of you out here banging, hammering and knocking.

Well, my knocking days are over, I might tell you.

I shall soon be leaving this soil for the other side of the world.

We're going to Australia.

You mean I'll never see you again?

Well... We'll be around to say goodbye.

And we'll be having a party for all our friends.

All your friends?

Where you hold it, in a telephone box?

Here, look.

Before you go, I'll have my own.

And in fair trade, I'll take my spade. Right.

All right, all right. There's no need to chuck it. Ah, shut your face. Give me

my bucket.

people from Australia Health.

Dear Mr. Spencer, we are pleased to inform you that a personal nomination

been received on your behalf for settlement in Australia.

Signed, B. Lawrence, the Chief Migration Officer. The Chief Migration Officer.

You can hold it too.

And we're going to start a whole new life together, upside down.

I'm frightened, Frank.

Moving to a new country.

What about your job?

Job? Postcarding myself in a pie shop window?

Advertising my necks like a common strumpet?

But going away won't change anything. And think of what you'll be leaving

behind. Part of your life's here.

That's the part I want to leave behind.

Betty.

Look, I didn't want to join the brain drain.

The way things are, the sooner my brains are removed, the better.

Well, Australia's so far away, and we'll be meeting strange people.

They're not strange.

They're like me.

I mean, look at Rolf Harris. He isn't strange, is he?

I know he walks a bit funny with that third leg, but he doesn't wear that all

the time.

But you've always been so patriotic.

Betty, no -one's patriotic more than me.

I've worn the Queen's braces, I've marched on her socks, I've had her RAF

trousers up to there.

And where's it got me? I've given it my all, and it's got me nowhere.

Oh, things were different when my mother was a boy.

I mean, there was an empire then, and there was pumping and circumstancing,

we had processions like the Queen's carnation.

Everyone lining up and we'd stand there waving our little things.

And my mother used to write, we cheered the lords and ladies and all the streets

were lined.

We waited in three, but all we could see was the Queen of Tonga's behind.

Oh, look at that, Betty.

Australia House.

We're practically on Australian soil.

Oh, Frank.

Excuse me.

Good on you, sport.

Did I just say a winkum?

I beg your pardon.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you was one of them.

I beg your pardon.

Hoppity hop.

I'm Mr. Lawrence.

The cheap migration.

How do you do, Mr. Lawrence?

This is my wife, Mrs. Spencer. Good morning. Mrs. Spencer.

I was just admiring your boomerang.

That's a broken chair arm.

Please sit down.

Now, regarding your emigrant...

Would you like to sit over here, Mr. Spencer? Just here.

Now, regarding your immigration application... Yes, well, I don't know

will be convenient for us to leave.

We certainly can't go this week.

Oh, no,

Mr. Spencer, that's quite out of the question. In fact, it might be out of

question for several weeks, because I'm hoping to take flying lessons.

What? Yes, also, we haven't found a buyer for the cat yet. Cat?

Now, Mr.

Spencer... Apart from your grandfather, what else made you decide that you'd

like to settle in Australia?

Well, it's near the sea.

Well, it's got the sea all round it, which is very nice for the swimming.

And also, I'm very fond of the... No, no.

No ball.

You used to do quite a lot of that, didn't you, Frank? Yes, I did.

But unfortunately, I had to desist because of my trouble.

All the friction, you see.

Friction? Oh, you mean at club meetings?

No, no, when I run.

I tried wearing shorter pads, but I still got it up here right there when I

between the wickets.

Don't touch it, Betty.

Yes, well, we're not too bothered about your spare time activities, Mr Spencer.

After studying the application form, I'm all concerned about what you'll be

doing for the rest of the week.

Now, I gather your grandfather has quite a big spread.

Well, all dispensers are rather well built.

Apart from myself, when I've got more the lean and hungry look.

My mother always thought that I looked like Mahatma Gandhi when I was a boy.

How well do you know him?

Well, I didn't know him at all, but I saw all his films.

Your grandfather. How well do you know your grandfather?

Have you had a long relationship?

Well, I've always been his grandson.

I mean, do you see him often?

No, I mean, we thought he passed on.

Because that's why we didn't send him a Christmas card last year.

No, and he hadn't written for ages.

No, but he was never much of a letter writer.

And if he had died, he'd never have told us.

Mind you, the Spencers are not unknown in Woolloomooloo.

No, my great -grandfather Basil lived there first.

Yes, well, I don't think we need to go into that, Mr Spencer.

Famous for his animal impressions.

Yes, I see, but he decided to leave England.

Well, he wasn't out of choice, but the deportation orders being somewhat harsh

in those days, one night he accidentally did the mating cry of the black -headed

sheep, and 12 of the little fellas followed him home.

No, no, no, no, no, Mr Spence. Oh, you do it too. That's very good.

Mr Spence, if we could just talk about your application form.

Yes, then there was his brother Nigel, famous for his bird calls.

But he was sadly accidentally shot dead by a duck hunter in Norfolk.

Would you like to tell me about it another time, Mr Spencer? I really have

to do. I must get on. Oh, certainly. Well, thank you very much for the time

you've spent with us already. I haven't finished yet. Please, sit down. Please,

please, please.

Mr Spencer, you're quite happy about going to Australia?

Well, Frank thinks it's the best thing for us, but I am a little worried about

leaving my mother.

Get in on a bit, is she?

Well, you know, about your age.

But I am willing to go if Frank does.

And his grandfather says it's all settled.

Ah, well, it's far from that, Mr Spencer, far from that. There are things

this form, questions which I want an answer to.

Please don't follow me about the room, Mr Spencer. I don't like being followed.

I had a cousin like that.

Never mind your cousin. Please, sit down.

Where I can see you.

Where are your qualifications, eh?

You were asked to bring documents, diplomas, certificates, testimonials.

Oh, well, I didn't know you meant all of them.

How many have you brought? Just the one.

How many have you got?

Just the one.

Mr Spencer.

I don't think there's a great deal of demand for 25 -yard breaststrokes on the

street.

Well, I have swum much further, but I was wind -assisted.

And I had the armbands on.

I'm sure you have.

I know you didn't actually say that you wanted lifeguards. That's because we

don't. Well, I can hold my nose and stand in the water for two minutes.

No. I'm willing to fight a shark. No!

An electric eel?

No.

I don't mind getting my hair wet. No, no, no, no, no. We don't want

Lifeguards we do not want.

Couldn't you just squeeze one in? No!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bentham.

It's obvious to me that you don't entirely share your husband's feelings

matter. Perhaps it would be better if I could see each of you alone, OK?

Um,

do you want to do Frank first?

Yes, I'd like to do your husband first.

Good evening, Mrs Spencer.

Judy, some tea for Mrs Spencer, please.

One certificate.

One. A lift to jobs as long as a kangaroo's leap and not a single

You're following me again? You know I don't like being followed.

No, I'm not following you. I was going in completely the other direction.

But I will stand in the same way as you.

I was just looking at your aberration there.

And the water hole.

He's a rude aberration, isn't he?

I'd like to draw your attention to question 12. You're following me now.

He was.

According to this, you spent three months in a monastery and graduated as a

fitter.

I did the guest fitting before I went in. I was just living in the monastery.

That was your home?

I didn't have a home.

That was why I was doing the part -time monkeying.

Question 13.

Unlucky for some.

I used to be a bingo caller too.

Details of education. We don't seem to have too much here, do we?

No, well, I didn't have a lot of education because I had to look after my

mother. Never mind your mother.

Well, she was good to me. Times were hard in Crippen Lane.

But I always had my comic money, and always had clean vest and pants. Mr

Spencer, please!

But my Auntie Dingle wasn't very nice.

She used to bring homemade jelly round, and didn't even wobble.

Will you be quiet?

Why is it every time I ask you a simple question, you're not only avoiding me a

simple answer, you go on and on and on?

I was trying to be brief. Brief? You don't know what the word means. Please,

down. Sit down. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Sit!

Mr. Spencer, I'm going to ask you again a simple question. Do you think you

could try just this once to give me a small, simple, brief, truthful answer?

Yeah. Right, now.

As my mother always said, tell the truth and the devil will fail.

Tell a lie and it'll be on your tail.

It's not that funny.

Mr. Spencer, what job are you actually doing at the moment?

Well, I got a bit confused because you were shouting at me.

Oh, God.

I'll ask you again.

And this time, I'm not shouting. No, but you was a minute ago when I mentioned

my jelly wobbling.

What job are you actually doing at this moment in time today, Tuesday the 27th?

Well, I'm not doing anything today because I had to come here.

Mr Spencer, let me put it another way. What job are you actually doing

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow they said they could manage without me.

Mr Spencer, how long do you think they're going to be able to manage

you? Well, I don't have to work Thursday, and then I don't work Friday,

Saturday's the day off.

And Sunday's my day of rest.

Rest from what?

You're not doing anything this week.

Not this week, no.

Then what about next week? Next week? Next week?

Nothing.

Nothing? You're unemployed, aren't you?

Yes.

I was just getting round to it.

I'm not coming into work tomorrow. Today, I'm not coming in on Friday.

And then there's Sunday.

And then, and then, and then, and then we have Sunday.

You're going to give yourself a day.

Mr. Lawrence, are you all right?

Well, shouldn't I get the lady?

Would you like a glass of water?

Have you... Oh, why not have a little beverage?

Have you got a glass?

Here, cheer yourself up.

I've always said, I will not linger at your door.

Away I have to race.

But I can tell you wish me well, but a look that's on your face...

I

said they can manage

without me today, they can manage without me tomorrow.

I won't come in on Friday, then there'll be Saturday.

Sunday I'll have a day of rest. I feel better when I've had...

to tell Jessica tomorrow morning who's going to be on Australian soil on

Christmas Day.

We won't be there that soon.

I mean, did Mr Lawrence definitely say that we could go? Yes, he was grinning

all over his teeth.

He was jumping out and down with excitement.

Oh, Betty, we've got to get organised.

Well, haven't we better wait until we hear something from him? No, no, no,

got to sort out the past.

and we've got to get ejaculated against disease.

Don't want to go and get bitten by a wallaby, do we?

Oh, but there'll be plenty of time for this later. You haven't even started

flying lesson.

No, but I'd better get a move on, because Mr Lawrence could call any day

confirm.

That could be him. That could be him.

Hold that.

Mr. Spencer does live here. This is he speaking.

No, I'm not Mr. Lawrence. Who said I was?

Biddy, we have a confused man here.

Hello?

Yes, this is the Mr. Spencer that does electrical and varied gas repairs.

Oh, well, I don't know about that. I don't think I can arrange anything now.

Well, I'm afraid I can't be with you for at least...

Well, 20 minutes.

All right. Could I have your name and address, please?

Thank you. Mr. Brown.

Yes. Could you spell that, please?

Thank you.

26 Upton Down.

Right. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Oh, Betty.

Things are looking up.

He saw my advert in the pie shop window.

And they just bought a new house.

And the central heating's gone wrong, so they've got no heating.

Now, that's a nice sound to leave home to, isn't it? Mr Lewis?

Well, need you ask?

Wonder what else he's got for his birthday.

Are you honking for my ears?

No. I am waiting for a helicopter.

And would you like to know why I am waiting for a helicopter?

Yes. Because that is the only way I can get my car out. You parked too close

again. That's not mine. My car's too down.

That's Mr Thompson from down the road.

I don't think he's up yet, though.

Lazy devil.

He's got no business to park outside my house.

Not up yet, eh?

Well, he soon will be.

No, he always stays in bed late because he works late at the town hall.

He's a wrestler.

A wrestler, is he?

What about that one?

That's Mrs Thompson's.

She's a lady wrestler.

Well, can I be of assistance?

I mean, you've got plenty of room.

There's a good 18 inches at the front here.

And, uh, excuse me?

Excuse me, please. Thank you.

There's another very good 18 inches at the back, I feel.

All right, make sure I don't hit that car behind.

Right, back a bit.

Back a bit more.

A little bit more.

That's it.

All right, that's it. You can pull forwards now. There's plenty of room.

Plenty of room? You must be joking.

I could give you a lift.

Nothing would induce me to get into a moving vehicle with you, Spencer.

Well, there's no need to shout.

Politeness costs nothing.

Neither does a punch in the teeth.

I think I understand your meaning.

I'm off to work.

Are you going forward?

No, no, it's all right. You go through.

Make way for the milkman. Room for him aloud.

With his cheery core, he's a friend to all. And he's cheaper than the cow.

I'm giving you a lift, aren't I?

If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't need a lift.

Thanks to you, my car is a complete write -off.

I'll say no more.

I can see this isn't one of your good days.

It's not one of your good days. It's you who came here.

Where do you stop an airport? It's in the station.

Boilers.

That's why I'm here.

I have a little job to do.

You said you were taking me to the station.

I'll only be a few minutes.

Patience is a virtue.

Ah, Mr. Brown?

Yeah? Good afternoon, I'm Mr. Spencer.

I'll come about your boiler.

Oh, come in.

What was he doing in there?