Original subtitles

Now, I want you to follow this route.

Go down to the bottom, at the corner, turn left.

Up Dover Street, right into Melville Street, across the square, back into

Trinity Road.

Now, I shall be somewhere along the route, so when you see me, get ready for

your emergency stop.

All right?

I rode round in a figure of eight for two and a half hours.

Then I ran out of petrol and had to walk home.

You mean the examiner didn't pass you?

I didn't even pass the examiner.

He just disappeared.

I tell you, if that's how he carries on, no wonder they've got a waiting list as

long as my arm. Well, look, why don't you sit down?

I only wish I could.

I've been sitting astride that bike so long, my legs are permanently ajar.

Don't touch that, Betty, please.

I've got gross chafing down there.

Look, I worry about you, Frank, out in all that traffic on a motorbike. Betty,

that's what I'm paid for.

You can't have a messenger with nothing to mess on.

The only reason I got that job was because my legs are on two wheels.

But the pay's awful.

Yeah, but it's going to get better.

Mr. Hunter's promised me that with my newfound experience, I should soon be

delivering to hospital.

I could soon be carrying someone's blood.

I hope not. You have enough trouble carrying your own.

Good morning, Matron. One pint or two?

Hey, Betty.

There's a time and a place.

No, I just don't like you doing this job. It's far too dangerous.

I've got to earn my living somehow.

At least until I can get some money out of my metal detector.

Oh, Betty.

This piece of equipment could change our whole lives.

One lucky bleep and we could be on the up and up.

It was the bit that fell off the day before.

No, it's ridiculous, Frank. You've been looking out there for Roman remains.

Oh, you can scoff, but that garden could be a treasure trove.

There could be a whole new world underneath my carrots we'd never

Just think, Julius Caesar might have marched through my garden and dropped

something.

Mind you, on the evidence that I passed a few days, I've got a strong suspicion

he took all his droppings with him.

I just wish Columbo could take a leaf out of his book.

If I could get this to work properly, I wouldn't have to work for Mr Hunt

anymore. I could go and set up business on my own, Betty. Yes, and the sooner

the better. I just don't like that man. He always looks as though he's up to

something. Oh, please, Betty.

Give the Spencers credit for one thing. We've always been very good judges of

character.

My father could always tell a fellow airman just for the way he walked.

As my mother said, it takes one to tell one.

And if there was anything funny about Mr Hunt, I'd be the first to know.

Delivery service, Mr Hunt speaking.

Oh, it's you.

No, I can't send Dobson. The police are still watching him.

I'll have to send another man.

And this time I'll find someone who's daft enough not to ask any questions.

Mr Hunt... Shut up!

to 27 Church Road.

Mr. Hunt.

You haven't fallen off your bike again, have you? No, no, no, no, no.

It slipped from between my legs.

My arm hit something in Bennett Street.

But that street's closed. Didn't you see the sign?

That's what hit my arm.

you were a bit short.

Did he indeed?

He's no bigger than Mickey Rooney himself.

Short of cash.

How would you like to earn some extra money?

Oh.

Say no more, Mr Hunt. I'm not as good as a limp.

Yes. Well, make a note of those addresses and that's where you collect.

The Frozen Frame Film Laboratories. I've been there before.

You have?

Yes, indeed. When Mr. Dobson was here, I delivered some photographs.

Well, you didn't look at them, did you?

No, no, no, no, no.

They was all wrapped up.

They was holiday snaps.

That's right, Frank.

It's holiday snaps.

Yes,

well, when you get there, you ask for Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown.

Could you spell that, please?

And there's no need to say anything to any of the others.

No.

No, we don't want any jealousy, do we?

Don't you worry, Mr Hunt.

I know when to keep my mouth shut.

That's right, Frank.

Whatever happens, you keep your mouth shut.

Something's burning up.

Demon King to base. Demon King to base. I have collected the photographs and I

am approaching Union Street about to make my first delivery.

Base to Demon King. You don't have to keep calling in every five minutes.

Maintain radio silence unless you're in difficulty.

Return to base.

I'll look after that, too. But I won't know where I'm going.

I know where you're going.

The station's just down the road.

But I'm not catching a train.

I mean the police station.

You are going to help us with our inquiries.

If it's about that sign in Bennett Street, it was already very wobbly. You

ask Mr Hunt.

I already have.

Mr Hunt is also helping us with our inquiries.

Mr. Hunt is a very helpful man.

I'm not saying anything. I don't know anything. And I haven't done anything.

Mr. Hunt.

I'm sorry. I couldn't deliver the photographs. I tried to. Shut up! I

you.

Yes, you do.

I'm your demon king.

And I've never seen this man before in my life.

Yes, that's Mr. Brown who I was supposed to deliver the photographs to.

I told you to keep your mouth shut.

Well, I haven't told anyone else.

Apart from him.

Hello, Charlie.

Come on, Demon Ken.

What, Charlie?

Your solicitor.

Hello?

Is that Whittle, Whittle and Crouch?

Am I speaking to Mr Whittle?

Mr. Whittle or Mr. Crouch?

Oh, Miss Prattford.

She's got a very deep voice.

Miss Prattford, you don't know me, but I'm Mr. Spencer.

One of your Whittles once defended my mother.

Oh, I see.

There's no one there at the moment.

When either Whittle Whittle or Crouch come back, could you ask them to contact

me, please?

Either at 27 Sodbury Terrace.

Berry Terrace.

Or at the police station where I am being helpful with the inquiries.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Disgusting. Well, I thought they was holiday snaps.

Holiday snaps?

Does that look like a holiday snap?

Well, she is holding a bucket in Spain.

This is the kind of filth you've been distributing to half the population in

town. But I didn't know what it was.

Not a nasty, evil little man.

I'm not a nasty, evil little man, and you shouldn't chatter me like that

I've got my rights. Sit down!

It is Frank, isn't it?

Yes.

You were caught with the photograph. There's a list of addresses in your

handwriting, and we know you've made the delivery, so why don't you just

cooperate? We know there are other people involved, so tell us a few names.

I don't know anyone. I keep telling you.

Well, did you see anybody else at the office? Anyone acting suspiciously?

Well, I did see someone acting a bit suspicious, yes.

Good. Far away.

Well, he was smoking a cigar, like an American.

Cigar? Yes, and he had this big hat pulled down over his eyes, like a

Big hat?

Then there were his shoes.

What about his shoes?

They were both very unusual.

They were Swedish.

The last time I saw a pair of shoes like that was at Woking Station.

On the pocket, darling.

Can you remember his face?

Yes. It was brown.

Not the man at Woking, the one in Hunt's office.

Oh, well, he had a beard.

What kind of a beard?

It was on his chin.

Good. And it was short and pointed.

Like a Dutchman.

No, no, no, no, no.

He didn't walk like a Dutchman.

He walked more like an Italian, you know, very fast like that.

American, German, Italian, Pakistani, Dutch.

No, you said he was Dutch. I never said he was Dutch.

You're in trouble up to here, so stop acting the fool.

I'm not. I'm just saying he didn't walk like a Dutchman. He was much more like

an Italian. He was a bit, you know, yes, he was a bit like that.

You know, his little legs went straight down.

I get my way. Your little legs will go straight down, too, for about ten years.

Frank William Spencer.

The charge is that on the 6th of March, 1978, you did publish an obscene article

in which you did distribute 71 photographs containing matter contrary

2 of the Obscene Publications Act, 1959, as amended by the said Act of 1964.

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty.

And before I call my first witness, I would just like to say... Not yet, Mr

Spencer. You will have an opportunity for that in a moment.

Sorry. Sorry, Your Worship.

I'm a bit nervous.

It's my first time in court.

I know how you feel.

Oh.

Is it your first time as well?

Mr Spencer, are you represented?

Um... Unfortunately, I have to report that I have had some disagreement with

solicitor.

Namely, Mr. Whittle of Whittle, Whittle and Crouch.

My Whittle being the second Whittle.

The first Whittle having cocked it.

Well, legally diseased.

He's dead.

And Crouch wasn't feeling all that well either.

He's expressing an opinion that I felt could prejudice my case. What was his

opinion? He thought I was guilty.

In other words, you intend to represent yourself.

I do indeed.

And before I call my... Yes, all right, Mr Spencer.

You may sit down.

Thank you.

I haven't said anything yet.

Yes, you'll have an opportunity in a minute, Mr Ellis.

I intend to call only one witness in this case in the prosecution, that being

Detective Sergeant Lang.

When apprehended, the accused is found to be in possession of certain of the

photographs. There's also a list of addresses in the accused's handwriting

which deliveries are known to have been made.

And those are the facts as I see them. Thank you, Sergeant.

Do you have any questions, Mr Spencer?

No, thank you.

I've understood everything so far.

All right, Sergeant, you may stand down.

Is it my turn now? Yes, Mr Spencer.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, before I start, I should say... Mr Spencer,

the bench.

I'm sorry?

The bench.

The bench.

Your Worship, on the bench.

Having heard the charges brought against me, you may feel, dare I say, a little

uncertain about my true character.

But after calling the many witnesses I hope to call, I hope that at the end of

it all you will know exactly what kind of man I really am.

Yes, I am Mr Spencer's doctor.

I have attended him and his wife for several years now, and I have been to

house on a number of occasions.

You have indeed.

In fact, Dr. Mender, when my wife, Mrs. Spencer, was expecting, you called on us

nearly every day, did you not?

I expect I did, yes.

What was the morning sickness?

Headaches? Dizzy spells?

Mrs. Spencer had a difficult pregnancy?

No, this was Mr. Spencer.

And in all the years that you have known me, have I always told you the truth

about myself?

And has it ever been unbelievable?

Yes. And yes.

Hello?

Yes, Mr Spencer has always told me the truth about himself.

And yes, it is unbelievable.

Mr Rumford, in your previous capacity of manager of the Dockyard Road Labour

Exchange, did I ever refuse any kind of work?

Wasn't I willing to try every job, even those I wasn't suitable for?

You weren't suitable for any of them.

He couldn't do any of them. It was awful. He came in every day. Ten o

there he was. He never missed.

His face was the first thing I saw every morning.

Grinning at me across the counter. It was such a nightmare.

That's why I had my breakdown.

I wouldn't have come today, only he threatened to call and see me. I wasn't

safe.

I'll be in to see you at the weekend.

Well, of course I know Mr Spencer.

I brought him into the world.

You were a doctor?

No, cinema usherette.

That's where he was born.

Regal cinema.

Third row from the front, right and side.

I shouldn't have been there at all, really, should I? Because it was an ex

-certificate.

Not that I saw much in a film.

But my mother was under 18.

And we've kept in touch ever since, haven't we? Oh, yes, we have.

When his mother died, Frank come and stay with us.

See, we was living over at school at the time where my husband was the

caretaker. Frank was always ready to lend a hand.

Let him look after the school boiler.

Of course, we had to leave when it blew up.

Yes, but the neighbours helped with the removal expenses, didn't they?

Oh, yes, they always did.

Always? How often did you move?

Oh, six or seven times.

And how often did you stay there, Mr Spencer?

Oh, six or seven times.

Frank's had a very hard life.

What with trying to find work and his family responsibilities, things have not

been easy for him. You have a little girl, I believe.

Yes, that wasn't easy either.

But she was expecting she nearly had an undercarriage.

You see, Frank finds it very difficult to cope with several problems at a time.

In fact, he finds it difficult to cope with one problem at a time. But he's

never...

And when he's not working, you'll always find him in the garden.

You remember that, Your Worship, if ever you're passing and you want a couple of

carrots or you fancy a leek?

And he's always been a pillar of the church. Indeed I have, ever since I was

knee -high to Father O 'Hara's surplus. I've pillaged the church for years, as

did my mother before me, Pilch.

I bet he did not.

It's all right, Frank.

I'll wait for you and Jessica and Columbo and the cast.

But Betty, they're not going to put me down.

I'm all right. I'm winning my case. I've got my two star witnesses to come yet.

Mr. Spencer, you are not helping yourself or anyone.

Oh, but Frank's always helping people.

You ask Father O 'Hara.

Yes, he's my parish priest.

And many's the time that I've helped raise church funds.

By manipulating my little Tommy.

Your little what?

Oh, yes.

I certainly can remember Mr Spencer's little Tommy.

Bless your father.

Mr Spencer performed as a ventriloquist, God help us.

Part of his act consisted of singing early one morning whilst drinking a

of beer. Yes, not an easy task.

I'm surprised you could manage it. I only didn't, that was the trouble.

I'm afraid the front five rows of the audience got extremely wet.

And people actually paid money.

Indeed they did.

My wife stood at the door with Father's Beretta in her hand and collected over

£30 before the kick -off.

Ah, so you had to pay the most of that back after you'd finished?

Well, that wasn't my fault. That was Miss Pilbeam sitting at the piano with

leg. Only because you dropped the stool on her other leg. Yes, because she stuck

her umbrella up Little Tommy's vitals. That is totally irrelevant.

Not to Little Tommy it wasn't.

I spent hours making him, night after night, and I sat up in a candlelit

presbytery out of broken -down Catholics and little things.

I used to knit him a little socks and a little woolly hat and the booties, and

he had a little lucky charm on his braces.

Not that that did him much good when Miss Pilgrim's umbrella went up his

there. Mr Spencer, that's enough.

You are Group Captain Lacey, XRF, with five bars.

Two guest houses and a laundromat?

I am.

Does the date January the 5th, 1964 mean anything to you?

No.

All right,

I shall come at you from another angle.

It is a cold morning. There is a mist in the air.

You are sitting behind your desk, studying your particulars.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

You throw your particulars in a drawer and slam it shut. There's a fire.

Who is there?

Mr. Spencer.

No, no, no, no.

But you is very warm.

Does that ring a little bell?

Yes, it does.

That was my first sight of Mr. Spencer.

In fact, you were my commanding officer during my basic training, were you not?

Exactly how long was he your commanding officer?

Well, I arrived on the 5th, Your Grace, and then Group Captain arrived on the

6th, and I left on the 7th.

After three days' basic training, did you pass out? Yes.

Once on the rifle range.

And once after the big injection.

It's a needle that long.

I would have put it in a hole.

To keep us out is a recruit.

Surely, Group Captain, you cannot expect an airman to understand basic training

in three days.

Well, the reports indicated that Mr. Spencer had learned all that he was

of understanding.

Mr. Spencer, just how long were you in the RAF? I signed on for three years,

Your Honor. But how long did you actually serve?

Three days.

Three days? Yes, well, I didn't want to go. They made me go. I was happy there.

Mr Spencer was examined by the aptitude test officer.

Yes, he made out like I was an idiot.

Sit down, Frank. Stand up, Frank. That's all he said to me. Put the wood in the

hole. Take the wood out the hole.

Is that how you get your recruits? Is that how the men all turn blue?

Did Douglas Fargo have to put his wood in the hole?

Did Group Captain Cheshire have to pull it out? Sit down, Frank, sit

down. That's been the story of my life.

Frustration, frustration.

For years, all my passages have been blocked.

I shall come back. I have more to say. I'm a ratepayer. I've got a right to say

what I like.

No wonder people are leaving the country, going hither and thither and

-nilly. If I had my way, I'd wither my hither anyway.

I'm reaching where I always wanted to get to.

Silence!

And there rests the case for the defence.

I entirely agree with the prosecution.

I entirely agree with you that any normal, sane, intelligent man would have

examined these articles or at least suspected their nature.

However, this description hardly applies to you.

Thank you, Your Honour. In fact, you claim... You claim at the time of the

offence you did not know what you were doing.

That is correct and astute observation. Having observed your behaviour in court,

I can quite believe it.

Accordingly, this court finds you not guilty.

Not guilty?

You mean I'm free?

I can walk out?

You can run if you'd like.

This court is adjourned.

The blemish is unblemished, too sullied, and all my morals intact.

I thank you from the base of my heart, or as the immoral bard once wrote when

quilled the Shylock of Vienna, the quality of mercy is not strained, but it

tinkles like a winkle.

His justice must be done.

Not only done, but seen.

And now I've seen it done to me.

I know how done I've been.

What a day.

Did you hear that idiot?

Mr.

Spencer. Exactly.

If I ever hear his voice again... Mr. Spencer.

Yes, Mr. Spencer.

Mr.

Spencer. I just wanted to say... My

first

accident in 27 years.

Don't you worry. I saw the whole thing. You caused the whole thing.

I could be a witness.

I have had some court experience.

I could defend you. I won my last case.

You did go over a red light.

I'll be off then.