All language subtitles for some_mothers_do_ave_em_s03e03_scottish_dancing

Sit.

Now, let's get a little shampoo in all
those nooks and grannies. Yes.

And wash the weevils out of your
whiskers. He's a good boy.

Now we'll rinse your body with the
council tap water.

There.

That's it.

Now, wait a minute.

Jessica's supper's ready.

So you stay there.

You stay there like a good boy and you
practice your swimming.

Right? You look at me, you play with
your duck.

You can practice your doggy paddle. And
I'll be back in five minutes.

What's this?

Haddock and cheese and macaroni dinner.

Yum, yum, we're going to enjoy this.

Doesn't it look nice?

Mr. Panda thinks it looks nice. He likes
haddock. And Daddy likes his haddock.

And Jessica likes her haddock.

Now, what do we do when we like our
haddock? Eh?

Yes?

Oh.

No, come on now. We don't shake our
heads. We open our little mouths, don't

So we're going to eat it up, aren't we?
Like this. One spoon for Daddy.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, I did enjoy that.

And one for Mr. Panda.

He liked that, didn't he? And he enjoyed
that. He likes it. Look, he wants some

more. No, no, no. You can't have any
more.

He can't wait to get his hands on your
macaroni. Look at him jumping up and

down.

You'll have to eat it up quickly or
there won't be any left.

Come back here.

That's it. Get indigestion.

Is Jessica going to show Daddy how she
can make a big tunnel?

Look, I'm making a big tunnel. And here
comes a train.

Look, we put the spoon on the train.

And it goes choo -choo -choo -choo -choo
-choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo

-choo. Puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.
Round and round and round and over the

bridge and into the tunnel.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

And now... And now it's going... It's
going round again and there comes the

train and going to Mr. Panda and he's
opened the tunnel and into his tunnel.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Now the train is
coming down over the bridge and all the

into Jessica's tunnel.

No, no, that didn't go into the tunnel,
did it? It went all over Daddy's... Now,

look.

Here comes the supper train. The
driver's name is Bertie. If you open

he'll pop inside unless his engine's
dirty.

Now, Jessica, Daddy's talking to you in
an angry expression.

On the brink.

Now, for the last time, the very last
time, one spoonful for Daddy.

One spoonful for Mr.

Panda.

Who made the rude noise?

It was Mr.

Panda's naughty, dirty Mr. Panda.

Slap his paws.

That's it. And into his tunnel. And
there's one spoon for Jessica into her

tunnel.

And there's another spoon for Daddy.

Excuse me.

I think someone's just pulled my
communication cord.

Oh, good evening, Mrs Lewis. Do come in.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

You're not eating or anything, are you?

No, no. I've finished my supper.

I was just wondering if my lodger was
here.

Mr Quincy. No, no. He's gone dancing
with Betty.

Has he?

Oh, yes. Come to think of it, I believe
I have seen them out together before.

But then, I expect you knew about it.

It's a Wednesday night. It's dance
night.

See?

Since Betty's mother had her operation,
she can't babysit for us anymore.

In fact, she can't sit anymore.

So we babysit alternate weeks with
Jessica.

Last week, Betty stayed with her and I
danced with Mr Quincy.

You danced with Mr Quincy? Yes, he's
very good.

I've danced with a few men in my time,
but none quite as light on their feet as

him. The men often dance together.

It seemed a bit strange at first.

Yes, it would.

All those bare legs.

Bare legs?

What kind of place is it?

Well, it's Scottish dancing.

Well, I've flung many a fling with Mr
Quincy.

See, he's chairman of the local Liberal
Party, and I'm his membership secretary.

So I thought that if I went dancing with
him, I might get the chance to get to

know him a bit better.

He seems to be getting to know Mrs
Spencer very well.

What do you mean?

What time will they be back?

About 10 .30.

What do you mean?

Pity it had to be Scottish dancing.

I mean, with him in his kilt.

My Alfred used to play football.

I've seen what the sight of a pair of
bare knees can do to a woman.

We got rid of all those unwelcome little
visitors, have we?

Yes. I just got rid of an unwelcome
visitor myself.

Now, wash with soap, dry with towel,
lose those germs and we won't smell.

There's a good boy.

used to blow my mummy dry every Friday
night.

So she'd be nice and smart for Wilfred
Pickles when he'd come on the radio.

Have a go, Flo, your sister's feeling
low.

She kicked a Christmas pudding and
nearly broke her toe.

You liked that, didn't you?

Right, all finished.

That's it, up. Now down we go.

That's it.

Is that your mother I hear returning
from her gallivanting?

I think it is.

In there.

That's right. You go on being as smart
as that, I'm going to enter you for

chuffs.

I hope I've not bored you too much.

All I ever seem to talk about is dancing
and politics.

Oh, that's... It's all right, Roland.

I know how much your dancing means to
you. And the team are doing so well,

aren't they? Oh, yes. Everyone's working
together.

I'm sure we've got a great future ahead.
Oh, that reminds me. I've got some news

for you. I meant to tell you earlier,
but... Would you like to come in for a

coffee? And we can talk inside.

Thank you.

Well, that is... Are you sure your
husband won't mind?

Oh, Frank won't mind.

No, he likes company.

home for some coffee.

Roland, do I know him?

Mr. Quincy.

Frank, hope you don't mind.

Well, I was feeling a little tired. I
was just about to mount the staircase.

Well, you go on up, Frank. I'll see to
Roland.

Yes, please, you go to bed. You don't
look too good.

Nothing like dancing for keeping you fit
and active.

You know, people never believe that I'm
nearly 42.

Oh, I would.

lounge, Roland?

You sure I can't help you? No, it's
quite all right. Thank you.

So, it's Roland now, is it? It was Mr.
Quincy last night.

Well, he is our dancing partner.

I can't keep on calling him Mr.

Did you have a nice evening?

Oh, very nice, thank you.

Two jars of haddock macaroni and cheese,
and three hours of chronic indigestion.

Then I sang Jessica to sleep, told the
dogs to stop licking parts he shouldn't.

Then I washed them for him and then blew
him to sleep.

It was very exciting.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm sorry we were late, but we
stayed behind afterwards talking.

He should be a little more considerate.
The only reason I'm still awake is

because I'm not asleep.

Frank, have you noticed something about
Roland?

Funny you should say that.

Don't you think he looks a bit like my
father?

He looks nothing like your father.

I thought he looked more like your
mother.

He's certainly got a walk.

Well, he's very quick on his feet.

Yes, he was certainly quick enough
jumping through that front door.

seen our new t -shirt? I'm saving that
for visitors.

Well, we've got a visitor.

Doesn't he know what time it is? 11 .30.
He's got to get home yet.

He only lives next door.

Oh, sugar.

Pardon? We've got no sugar. Could you
put some in the bowl? I'll get the milk.

You've got to be more careful, Betty.

The things you do could be
misunderstood.

What things?

Well, he's a single man with a single
man's faculty.

And you don't want to start
infacultating too much.

He's already shortened his kilt by
several inches.

What in the dog's bowl? Look what you're
doing.

All right, all right.

It's the same way you always smile at
the butcher.

The butcher?

He's been married 40 years.

As my mother said.

Just because your hat is on the peg
doesn't mean to say your head's in the

cloakroom.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, he thinks you're a bit, you know.

What? Well, you know.

Paul?

Simple sexy.

Well, of course I told him you weren't.

Thank you very much. Well, you don't
want all the neighbours talking about

Well, I don't see why not. They've done
nothing but talk about you ever since we

moved here.

Oh. Well, I'm glad I'm making some sort
of impression.

Especially now after my entrance into
politics.

Did Roland say anything about me being
on the committee with him?

Well, he did say that working with you
had been an unforgettable experience.

Did he?

It's amazing how quickly you got this
room up together.

Last time I was here, you had hardly any
furniture.

Yes, well, it was a bit of a struggle.

But the local church formed a Frank
Spencer disaster fund.

And the monks at St Cuthbert's had a
whip round.

I didn't get a lot from that.

Because they don't pay a lot for monkeys
nowadays.

Well, I hope things go a little more
smoothly for you from now on.

It doesn't do the Liberal Party image
any good, you know, if people fear

committee member living the way you
were.

It doesn't do anyone any good living the
way I were.

Anyway, I think Betty's got it all
looking very nice now. Oh, your wife has

good taste.

And some things.

That belonged to my mother.

Oh. Chinese?

No, no, she was English, same as me.

I mean, was it made by the Chinese?

Oh, possibly. She did work amongst them
for many years. Really?

In Hong Kong?

No, at a Bullcock Road lawn.

Oh, in the RAF, I see.

Yes, indeed I was, as was my father and
his forefathers before him.

Were you ever? No, no, no. I tried for
the commandos.

But I have this funny leg, you see.

So I noticed.

That explains a great deal.

I must say, I admire your wife.

She's always so cheerful.

In spite of everything.

She tells me that you're still out of
work.

It's true. I did vacate my last
position.

That's only because I wasn't very happy
about some of the manager's decisions.

She said he sacked you.

That was one of his decisions.

Frank, I just thought perhaps Roland
would prefer a glass of wine. Oh, yes,

would be nice. It's rather warm this
evening.

Frank, would you get the glasses,
please?

You sit down, Roland.

Thank you, Betty.

I do hope you don't think we're heavy
drinkers. Oh, no, of course not.

No, we only get it out on special
occasions.

That's why we've got so much left.

Roland, I believe you said you had some
news.

Oh, yes, I certainly have. You'll be
pleased to know that Mr Ian McDougall,

prospective Parliamentary candidate, has
agreed to be guest of honour at our

forthcoming fundraising dinner. Oh!

And afterwards, as a tribute to his
country of birth, you know, I've been

to present a display of Scottish country
dancing.

Oh!

That's our first public performance.

Um, Frank.

I take it that dress will be formal,
tilt and foreign?

Naturally,

the dancers will be expected to be in
the appropriate costume.

Oh, Betty, isn't that exciting?

I've only been there in lessons for a
few weeks and already I'm going to be

dancing before a prospective MP.

Frank, if I could just explain... One

lump or two.

Do I detect the aroma of the French
vineyards?

No, no.

Dispenser rhubarb.

Yes, it's homemade.

Frank makes it all himself.

Yes, there you are, Rowling. You try
that.

That's a near -virgin bottle of the 77.

August. Very good month for rhubarb and
dispenser bins.

Oh, I do hope there's a photographer at
this special occasion.

It would be so nice to have a photograph
of us all dancing.

Well, not all of us, I'm afraid.

Of course, it would be nice if we were
all in the scene, but you do understand,

on such a special occasion, I do feel
that only the very best dancers should

on display.

Ah, yes, I agree there. I endorse that
right up to my head. I know it's a

disappointment, but I'm afraid, well...

Someone's always got to be first
reserved.

Indeed they have. And let me say at this
point, clearly, let it be understood.

If anyone drops out, you're going to be
the first one to come in.

I'm already in.

It's you who's out.

Me? Aye.

Me? Aye.

Well, myself, a fencer in the Kilted
Reserve.

Frank out?

I mean, not after all of his effort. I'm
sorry, Betty, but we must make a good

impression. Well, is it anything to do
with the way I dress? Because I have got

a proper sporran now.

Like something, anyway. Heaven knows
what you were wearing round your waist

week.

That was a little fur glove.

Betty, he's got the proper outfit now.

Yes, the Caledonian Society presenting
me with a kilt and all the accessibles.

They belong to a bedridden Scotsman who
dropped his caber at the last Thailand

game. No, Frank, I've made my decision.

Is it my knees?

I know they stick out a bit, but I could
learn to walk all over again.

Knees? Of course it's not your knees,
man. You're too splendid. Knees, it's

you. You're just not good enough for the
team.

Not good enough?

Oh, can't you fit him in somewhere? I
mean, it's so important to him. Well,

would you expect?

He's only had a few lessons. Oh, but...

Look, everyone gets rejected at some
time or another.

But not as often as Frank.

Look, couldn't I go along and just make
a little exhibition of myself?

That is just what I'm trying to avoid.

If I can't be in the team, couldn't I
end up doing a little dance on my own?

But when you are in the team, you always
end up doing a little dance on your

own. Oh, look, but he does know the
steps now. He's been practising them at

home. Well, I'm sure he has, but... What
about sword dancing?

That I can do. I've been practising with
the bread knife.

No, no.

I do not want you performing before Mr
MacDougall. I can't risk a political

occasion becoming a fiasco. A fiasco?

Is the right literature coming into my
ears?

From one colleague liberal to another,
I've a good mind of hand in my kilt.

Well, of course.

It's entirely up to you.

That was Columbo.

Look out, ma 'am. Look what you're
doing. Stay, boys, stay.

What did you... I just hope he isn't
going to be sick.

Show him where the bathroom is.

Yes. Come on, Columbo.

No, not the door. Oh, Roland. Oh, my
goodness. I'll get a cloth for you. It's

all right. I've got some cleaning things
next door. I think I'd better go. Oh,

I'm ever so sorry.

Frank, will you get Roland's jacket?

come out.

It's a warm night. Why don't you carry
it?

Fold it up properly, Frank.

Shall I wrap it?

He lives next door.

Betty.

Thank you. I'll see myself out.

Good night, Roland.

I just hope he didn't swallow any. Well,
of course he didn't. Do you see him

coughing? Not Roland, a dog.

Just look at the state of him.

I'm taking him around the block for some
fresh air.

Well, look, he's big enough to walk.

He can't. He's drunk.

I've also drafted a letter of thanks to
our candidate, Mr MacDougall, who at the

moment is on a visit with home near Loch
Lomond.

Extremely beautiful area of Scotland,
I'm sure you'll all agree.

Ah, Trossachs.

I beg your pardon?

Trossachs.

That's the part of Scotland that Mr.
MacDougall is now visiting.

The Trossachs.

I mentioned to Mr. McDoodle that we may
be a comparatively small branch, but our

canvassing is beginning to show results,
as I'm sure our membership secretary

will confirm in his report.

Oh, yes. Mr.

Chairman, if I may take the floor.

Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm pleased to report that I have
managed to gain a few new recruits from

Indian community.

Very encouraging, Mr.

Membership Secretary.

Mr. John, if I could linger a little
longer.

Regarding my Indian recruits, I would
say that I have promised them, if there

an election, transport to the polling
station.

Oh, yes, let me arrange that. How many
are there?

649.

But I can take three in my car.

If they did all turn up, we'd have twice
as many votes as our last three

candidates put together.

Are you quite sure they're all going to
vote for us?

Well, I'm not too certain about the
Bhagwan Rams, but I have left one of our

brochures with them, and the milkman has
promised to translate it for him

tomorrow morning.

So we should know about lunchtime.

With respect, Mr.

Membership Secretary, I do think that in
the future it might be as well if you

can find your canvas into those members
of the electorate who can actually speak

English.

Otherwise, how the hell?

Well, how can they possibly understand
our policy?

Point of order, Mr. Chairman.

Are they even aware of McDougall's
thoughts on immigration?

Well, I've no idea who's going anywhere.
He's not.

Immigration is when you're coming into a
country, not when you're going.

But then Mr. Spencer never did know
whether he was coming or going.

If I could draw your attention, please,
ladies and gentlemen, to item six on the

agenda, social activity.

I think you'll all agree that our garden
play was a resounding success.

Yes.

Despite one or two disappointments.

Mr. Chairman, if I may indulge myself on
your floor again.

May I inquire, in your expression of the
word disappointments, God and fate are

relevant activities pertaining to, were
you perchance referring to my exhibition

of canine handling?

Point of order, Mr. Chairman. Mr.
Secretary's canine handling is not on

agenda. Yes, with respect, Mr.
Membership Secretary, I do think we have

more important things to discuss. I'd
rather forget the whole incident.

Quite enough has been said about that
dog already.

But that's why I'm here to defend him,
Mr. Assistant Treasurer.

Mr. Treasurer.

You see, it's possible that some of you
may have felt that he didn't quite rise

to the occasion.

He didn't rise at all.

But that was part of his training.

It's very difficult to keep a dog
sitting in the sitting position.

But he was still in the sitting position
two hours after the fight was over. I

thought he was dead.

Indeed he was not. A pity.

He always closes his eyes when he's
thinking.

It's the sign of a good dog. You may
also have noticed the alert position of

right leg.

I did when he stood next to me.

That wasn't his fault. That was that hat
you was wearing, all them pom -poms.

You look like a coconut tree.

Ladies and gentlemen, to order, please.
Item six on the agenda. It also includes

Mr MacDougall's visit, which we want to
advertise as much as possible.

In fact, I think I did mention at our
last meeting that I'd welcome any idea

to how we should word our posting.

Yes, let's mount a campaign to be proud
of. Apart from posters and leaflets,

what we need is some really good
slogans. Yes, we do need some good

Something original, mentioning Mr
MacDougall by name and explaining who he

Mr Chairman, here I make.

McDougal is a man who'll put us on our
feet. So meet the face behind the kilt

and give him back his seat.

By his seat, I mean his parliamentary
support, not his bodily posterior.

Quite, quite.

Now, regarding arrangements for the
dinner... See, my mother was always very

busy. I understand the tickets are going
quite well.

She won first prize for Rosie's toilet
soap in the war.

Yes, yes, I think we can definitely
promise Mr MacDougall a large audience.

Rosie's soap is second to none when
you've got Rosie Bath Night's fun.

She got two book tokens for that.

She said he'd be arriving in the
afternoon.

By train, I assume? Yes, yes, he gets in
at... MacDougall, MacDougall, what

rhymes with MacDougall?

Oh, it's three, three o 'clock, yes.
Myself and some of the committee will

to be there to meet him, of course. And
we must arrange cars.

MacDougall is frugal.

No, no, no. Don't make him sound mean.

It's bad for the party.

I booked him in at the star hotel. Oh,
how long will he be there? Oh, just the

one night. I'm afraid he'll have a very
important meeting on the following day.

MacDougall comes from Scotland.

MacDougall comes from Scotland, and you
may think he's foreign, but here is he,

and you soon see he's not all wind and
sparring.

Mr. Chairman, with regard to our
forthcoming dinner, do I have your

that Mr. Spencer will not be included...
McDonnell will... Oh, no, no, no, it's

a wrong name.

Mr. Chairman, do I have your assurance
that Mr. Spencer will not be included...

But Mr.

Spencer will not be included in your
dancing. Yes, you certainly do. As I

earlier today.

Today.

Today.

McDougal is the man today.

It's true that he's a Scot, but now he's
thrown his kilt away.

We can just see what he's got.

If you do find yourself two legs short
for the dancing tonight, mine are both

still available. No, look, I've already
told you we have all the dancers we

require.

It's just I've been rehearsing.

There's someone I missed in my
recruiting campaign.

Excuse me.

A very good day to you, sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Mr. Spencer, and I am here to meet
a Scotsman.

I am not a Scotsman.

Indeed, you are not, sir.

I am here to meet Mr.

McDougall, your liberal candidate.

Mr. McDougall is a fine man.

Oh, yes, very fine indeed.

And when you get home, I would like you
to tell all your friends and neighbors

to vote for Mr. McDougall.

Yes, certainly.

When I get to Bombay, I will tell
everyone.

And you needn't think that we're
providing transport for him.

Mr. McDougall.

Mr.

McDougall is the man for you.

So back him to the hilt.

He'll stop the rot.

He knows what's what. There are no flies
up his kilt.

It's a short drive from here.

My briefcase. I've forgotten my
briefcase.

Look at the briefcase.

I'll get it.

Oh!

Excuse me, sir. Could you hold the
train, please? I've got to get a

I don't think that's the right carriage.

He'll soon find it anyway.

Will he?

Speak to him.

He should have found it by now. I think
that's my carriage.

I'd better have a look.

It's all right. I found it.

so far, and it's not over yet.

However, seated next to me is a
gentleman who's far better qualified to

about that.

I refer, of course, to our guest of
honor this evening, our parliamentary

candidate, Mr. Ian McDill.

Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen. It's good to see
so many people so thoroughly enjoying

themselves and contributing to party
fun.

I'm very glad to be given this
opportunity of introducing the final

it is something that I have been
particularly looking forward to. In

have a shrewd suspicion it was arranged
for my benefit.

It is, need I say, a display by the
Quincy Scottish Country

Dance Team.

Although, regrettably...

Mr Quincy is unable to take part.

But let us give him a big hand.

However, however, we are not to be
disappointed.

Despite the short notice, a replacement
has been found.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the
Quincy Cottage Country Dance piece.

Shit!