Original subtitles

And he's waiting for me, praying for me, down by the Swanee.

The folks up north will see me no more, when I go to the Swanee shore.

But, but!

Do you think this is racist?

Do you?

Bastards at the BBC do.

The good God.

Jim, thanks for coming in. I've got a big idea I want to put to you.

How about, what would you say to...

a one -hour special Operation Goodbyes.

Exactly.

Ray and I were discussing the same thing. Something like the Morgan Wise

Christmas shows where you have Faldunik and the Ladybirds, the Spinners, the

Christmas, the three -part special stuff. Do you remember? Jeff Richard?

The mixtures, the fortunes, all that sort of stuff.

The big shoes.

The big shoes.

Elements that are missing from television today.

Mark, what's the matter, mate? What's up? What's up? Edward.

What's happened to him?

They fed him dried lentils.

And then he drunk some water and it just went all plump.

Point that out, please.

What I'm looking for is a police operational special. You know, a bit of

a bit of excitement, screeching tyres, cars racing, a bit of undercover work,

you know.

And he starts off about Rolf Harris and Seaside Special. I mean, it's very

sweet, you know.

But it's a bloody variety show. I don't want a bloody variety show.

The thing is, Mr. Jackson and the BBC want a police special. What can I say?

They've got police specials coming out every time you turn the television on,

Ray. There's a bloody police special of something or other with wobbly cameras

and close -ups and zooming.

Horrible stuff. What Paul Jackson really needs is good, wholesome family

entertainment. Razzmatazz stuff. A good musical spectacular.

Like Will Tappers and Shunters. Ding, ding. Quiet, everybody.

Something like...

Good old days. It was perfect.

What's his name?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Here, Mark. Mark, look. Look, this is perfect.

King Edward.

He was your king, wasn't he? Yeah, he was. There we go. Look, that's his

coffin. Here we go, look.

Bye, Edward.

I love you, Mark. Here we go.

Look. Here we go. What we do at lunchtime, we go downstairs.

We'll give him a nice burial, find a nice plot for him. Yeah?

Thanks. I'll leave you with him.

We'll say goodbye properly.

Look after him.

Just give me some time on my own, please.

And finally, on the matter of outstanding police matters... Despite

preoccupations, pressing police matters still have to be addressed.

Well, as we know, the amount of cocaine that's playing through the location...

we feel at the moment that we should mount the raid as soon as possible.

Drunks, drunks, drunks, here we go now, drunks.

Suppose you wanted your guns and your bulletproof jackets next, right?

Who would go on a draft trade?

Craig,

what does Christmas mean to you?

Sorry, sir?

Simple question, simple answer, please. What does Christmas mean to you?

Ooh, awesome.

Presents and maybe Jesus and things? It just shows a typical lack of

imagination, doesn't it?

It means Santa Claus.

Elves dancing on sleighs in the snow.

Now, get me some bloody midgets now.

I'm just asking you to go along.

with it, okay?

Disappeared. Yeah, that's all right. But we need to do the drugs bust.

We need to do it. Because it's all ready to go. We will be doing the drugs bust

as well as the Christmas extravaganza. Actually, I've kind of been thinking

about it.

Do you know what I think we should do? We should do like a biblical thing.

Like going back to the last millennium on Christmas Eve, don't we? He's on the

whole snow trip and all that bit. Yeah. More soapy. Oh, which reminds me, Mark,

nip out and get us a midget, will you?

Let's get a midget from him.

But, sir, with the greatest of respects, I think we should be concentrating on

the drugs past. I'm trying to choreograph the big routine in this

spectacular, yeah?

And you are bugging me with trivialities.

And you can't even come up with the one thing that I ask you for.

Midgeons. One midget, even. Well, I've looked everywhere.

Don't even think about it.

He's short and he's fat, but he's not short and fat enough.

Bones! Come here!

Fed up with you. you stand to attention attention do you know the first thing

about my winter spectacular um no of course you don't you haven't worked one

step of one routine do you know the number of the song do you know the name

the song you're singing um no of course you don't i'll tell you something else

you're not even going to be in it if you wear those stupid

Mark's exhausted search has proved successful.

Christmas period is my busy time. I do do pantomime around here, you know what

mean? Oh, yeah, do you?

What ones do you do, then?

What f***ing ones do you think I do?

So this is the vehicle, OK?

No, no, listen to me. I need inside information.

I need intelligence. We have actually got some very good intelligence, sir.

It's coming in off the north, down... Sir, I'm not remotely interested.

In your drugs thing, right?

What I need to know is how long we've got before the full dress rehearsal.

Well, yeah, the pressure's on.

I mean, we're ready for the drugs bus to go ahead, but the governor keeps going

on and on and on about this dance spectacular, and he's like... And, oh,

that smell?

Mark, what's that smell? It stinks.

Shut up.

You want to see fireworks?

You want to see an explosion?

Well, you come with me. Come on, James, come with me, cos I've had enough.

Come on!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm just taking him through the ranks. Well, don't!

I'm fed up with this!

You've got to think of that.

Now, pay attention.

What is this?

It's a dance room, James.

So I'll tell you why.

Because it's...

Sir? A sex ray out of Victor 1 towards the rear. What's that?

He's coming out. He's walking out of the van. The Jesus got out of the van. A

sex ray into Victor 1.

Commodity possibly 2 -0 kilos. Call it in, Bung. 2 -0 kilos. It's 20 kilos.

20 kilos.

It's copy of the map. There's loads of it. Ray, come in. Come in, Ray. A sex

ray. Ray. The guy's got a bash on him. He's got 20 kilos. We need to go now,

over. I understand you, sod. Hang on, I'll just ask the governor.

Don't you... Get out of my... What? He just wants to go in.

I'm wasting my breath, aren't I?

The sod, do not make any arrests.

Go to the costume shop and pick up those cousins before they close at six o

'clock. Thank you.

Here it is. Let's go, let's go.

For the sake of a quiet life, the good guys are prepared to humour Beach's

artistic aspirations.

Do you mind?

Yes, sir. All right. Come round.

Can I get in, Bill?

All we're doing is we've got this sort of Fred Astaire look.

And I sort of went for the Moulin Rouge sort of. Oh, right. We could do a whole

continental Parisian set.

That's nice, isn't it?

There you go. Mind you, I'm going to have to do a bit of slimming. I'm going

get into something like that.

Both look good. I like this very much.

Keep it up.

One, two, three, four.

Ray, just remember, when Mark brings the midget in, be nice to him, all right?

Because otherwise Santa's not going to have a little help for him.

Just treat him like an equal.

No, not like an equal. I mean, just treat him like he's normal, all right?

And whatever you do, don't either look or talk down to him.

No, you leave it with me. I'll treat him normally.

I know what you're like.

Normal.

Hi, everyone.

I just want to introduce you to Kenny.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

Isn't that sweet for Kenny?

Oh, good.

Would you like some sweeties? All right, Kenny.

What is it? What is it with you?

Now,

what's going on here?

I just wanted to have a little word with you about... You know, you haven't got

your glasses anymore.

And I'm just a little bit... Hold on. I'm just a little bit wary about

you on the rape. Oh, no, Sarge, please. I've been really looking forward to it.

I've been practising. I've worked it out. Look, I've got an aide that can

me. You know, it doesn't matter. Look, watch this. Just one thing. Look.

One, two...

Find a needle in the haystack, mate.

That's not bad, actually.

It is. I mean, you know what it's like. We've been practising for months for

this.

It's the bread and butter of the job, really, isn't it? I mean, these are the

things that I look forward to most. You know what it's like, mate. I mean, you

know, who cares about all the rest of it, all this musical stuff and whatever.

But it's an assault, really.

He's head -butted, Ray. Yeah. He's kicked the governor right in the shins.

know, he's a vicious... Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't talk to the monkey. Talk to the f***ing organ grinder.

He's like poking me. He's having a fight.

He's having a fight.

He's like...

friends do that you know blow him up with lemons scorch his face put mustard

him eat him take the piss well i'll tell you what you stand with me until i

give him a decent burial who do we go to the bbc who's in charge i mean there

must be somebody we can call and speak to i'm sorry paul jackson but honestly i

mean so busy doing police do we have a studio to work from i don't know but do

we have any money to work with. I honestly don't know.

I'm sorry.

It's absolutely typical.

Yet again, I must shoulder the open responsibility.

Come on, get this.

It gets worse.

What's this?

Ray Mondo!

Sir, a moment of your time. Yes, sir. Thank you.

What do you see in there?

What do you see?

Now tell me, what do you see?

Um, the men working, sir.

I'll tell you what I see. I see men in uniforms.

Police men in police uniforms.

Now, how do you expect them to get into character if they're not in costumes?

I want to see men in costumes getting into character.

Yeah. That's right. Turn around, shall we?

And go and put men in costumes so they can get into character.

Beggars believe, don't they?

All right, boys.

How's it going?

You all right?

Have you radioed that in, Steve?

Yes, Sarge. Yeah? Yeah. And what's all this? Look.

It's all lying about. Put it back in the pile.

Remember that secret.

How much have you got now?

It's got to be at least 50k in there now.

George, you got the pictures?

It's all done, Sarge. Come on, guys, switch on. I can really feel you're all

switched off. You're all just taking it easy.

Especially you, Steve. Look at you.

You've got Mars bars, Coca -Cola.

I can't believe it. What did you do to your head?

Oh, midget. Bit me.

Yeah, the governor came in this morning.

And he's made us wear these puffy costumes at all times to get into

And he said if we take them off at any time, then we're going to get the sack.

And he said he'd lose our pension.

And our pension.

Looks outrageous.

Beech has decided the show must go on, with or without the support of the BBC.

It seems to me everywhere you go in this building, there's something to remind

us of the greatness and glory of the BBC.

Back here, the Studio One.

And here is the television studio.

It's the biggest one. It's the biggest studio the BBC's got, look.

That's right.

Kenny, come over here. You see?

Now, you'll appreciate this, guys, the technology that goes... The BBC leading

the world in broadcast technology.

Right, the target's there. We can do the bus now.

I don't care where the targets are. We've got to go and do a show.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. You've got ten minutes

do your bus and then you come up to BBC for the show.

OK, come on, boys, we're on, we're on. Let's go, let's go.

Sue Lawley, the one and only. You have clearance to be in here.

We're police officers.

Oh, you may be police officers in here. I am in charge.

And I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now.

We've got a security problem here, Kenny. Sort it out, will you?

Shut up!

Now listen to me!

Put your hands on your head!

Now kneel down! Kneel down!

Come on!

Has anyone got any handcuffs?

Quick, you've got four minutes to do this this afternoon.

Can he talk?

Can he think?

Can he talk?

Can he think?

Can he think?

Can he think?

Can he think?

Well,

having said and done, the raid went really well. I mean, we got loads of

cocaine. Look at this.

This is just one parcel.

In there is coke. We've got another seven like it. It's the largest bus jet.

Tons of it. I'll tell you what.

There's going to be a lot of frowning points for us when the governor gets to

hear about it.

Look, where's Christmas Mouse?

I don't know.

Where's Bones? He's on a walkabout somewhere, isn't he?

So, as far as the rest of the afternoon is concerned, for southern parts of the

country, it should be dry and, I think, reasonably bright. But as one heads

further and further and further into... Excuse me, what on earth do you think

you're doing?

Don't get lippy, mate, otherwise I'll arrest you. This is a live weather

forecast. I can't see nothing. Just tell me the way out. It's over there. OK,

the door's there.

Thank you very much. Don't come back.

Sorry about that, everybody. Now, as I was saying, the further north you go,

prouder it's likely to become. And in Northern Ireland and the North West...

Where are the snowmen?

Don't know. You don't know anything, do you? No.

Bobby Crush has dropped out now. Did you know that?

Get him to ash on the blower and tell him, I want a star and I want him now.

And do something about this. This could have someone's eye out.

Here he is. He's called Bank Rites. Oi, no cameras. And here's the coke.

Piss off. I don't want no cameras. I don't want no cameras. Shut up, you.

up. No, any star, it doesn't matter, Sarge.

Sarge, it's her.

Ray,

have you got me a star yet?

Ray, I want a star and I want him now.

Is this bloody thing working?

Yeah, I was just speaking to him. Well, why isn't he answering then?

Oops, sorry, love.

I do beg your pardon.

Cat got your tongue, then?

Funny how the police uniform intimidates some people.

With time running out, Ashley's third -spirit da has resorted to desperate

measures.

This is not good enough. I want a celebrity.

I know, that's what we're doing. We've got the roadblock. Look, Bill's up there

now. We've had 50 -odd cars come through here, not one celebrity.

Open the window.

Have a look, have a look.

We're commandeering this vehicle.

Brilliant.

Police business.

You've got to take me to the BBC.

All right. We'll be at the BBC.

See you down at the BBC, guys.

All right, lads.

Northern areas through Scotland, some wintry showers and some of those showers

pretty heavy.

Snow, I should think, over those Scottish mountains.

That's no drifting.

Let's see who we've got then.

The facade.

Bill. Sir.

It's a big nick, sir. It's a huge amount of cocaine in it.

Don't bother me with that.

Get out of the way.

Where's my star, eh?

Back, sir. I think you'd be very pleased with me. I hope so.

Is that it?

What do you mean, is that it?

I want a big star. Someone like Val Dooney could be. Who is a big star?

You've got a job to do and you've got to do it yourself.

You can't be any bigger than that. You can't.

Cut it!

Cut it!

Can you try and look a little bit like Val Doonican, please?

Are you having a bleeding laugh? If you wanted Val Doonican, why didn't you get

him? I'm going.

Don't you run out on me, don't you? Will someone please just take these cuffs

off? No, are you going to finish the job you came to do? No, I'm not.

Bill! You take this foul -mouthed harpy into custody, please. What are you going

to do, arrest me?

I can't believe you're arresting me on the grounds that I'm not as good as Val

Doolican. You're a complete louse, mate. No, I'm in the van with you. Do you

mind? Can you get that camera out of my face?

What are they filming for?

It's a documentary. Come on, move. Can you move?

Are you the same person? I am the same person. You're the same person, and it's

the same weather forecast. So, again, thank you very much for nothing.

Obviously, we're having a few troubles in the studio at the moment, ladies and

gentlemen. In the north of the country, one or two.

Sir?

Sir, I'd just like to introduce you to Mr Will Wyatt, Chief Technical

Broadcaster. Mr Wyatt.

Welcome to a winter wonderland, Mr Wyatt. What the hell is all this? Well,

is our set for the new spectacular.

For the new what? Christmas spectacular. We're doing it in the studio here. It's

not quite finished, but it's going to look marvellous. I know nothing about

I know absolutely nothing about it. And what the hell is all this, in any case?

Look. And the way you're made up. What's wrong with that?

We can't do that in this day and age. We can't do that anymore. That's actually

correct. It's more like political crap. We're absolutely not that. Penny. Penny,

calm. Penny's all right.

You're seeing everything in black and white. Well, let me tell you something.

Everything isn't black and white.

This is white and black.

And there's a difference.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. We're not going to do it. I'm closing this

down. Where the hell's Paul Jack?

Can he tell him?

It's white, middle -class do -gooders like him that spoil everything for

everyone.

Make me sick!

You really think the governor... You can't arrest me! Shut up!

In the van, come on. This is the BBC here, you know.

Come on.

Look, you can't do this. You simply can't do this. I don't even know you're

policeman. If you resist me any more, you're going to be done for assault.

There you go, Kenny.

That's it.

Oh! How are you doing?

This is going really, really well. You are going to be so pleased with this,

Paul. Just can we hold on a second, Jim? Because I don't think that's Will

Wyatt's opinion, is it? I don't think so, and I've got to say I agree with

on this one.

I don't know. What exactly is it? Just had me event on the phone.

Have you looked in a mirror this morning?

Yeah. And you're happy with that look, are you? Oh, it's politically correct.

This is racist, Jim. We have codes that we have to work to here. This is

unbelievable that you think this is acceptable. It should be like looking at

negative. What are you talking about? Don't use technical terms with me. I

you off these premises.

I've got a cordon of armed police out there.

My head of security is at the moment in surgery, severely bitten, and we've had

a national live broadcast taken off the air. I've had enough of you and this

tawdry spectacle you're trying to produce for us here. I want you off the

premises, I want them off the premises, I want you off the premises, and I want

you off the premises now. Out.

Can he see to him?

When you look at me, what do you see?

When you look at me, what do you see?

Uh, Mark Bowman?

Mark Bowman?

Al Jolson? In reverse?

Because I'm being politically correct, Mark.

When I see this, I'm telling you, I want a BBC lawyer. Get in there! Get in

there! I will not be arrested. Governor's orders.

Governor's orders.

Get in there! So.

You're telling me that I have to create a winter extravaganza without any snow?

Well, you never ordered any snow. Don't you know you may do?

How can I create a winter wonderland without any f***ing snow?

If you don't fetch me some snow, you know what's going to happen, don't you?

Now get me some snow!

All right.

and watch them play.

They are so happy and so gay.

As they are marching on the snow.

Bring on the dancers.

Send in the clowns. Put on those smiles.

Get rid of those frowns. Let's keep singing as we're swinging.

Oh, oh, oh.

Let's all cross dress.

Drink some more wine. Don't tell your mother.

Everything's fine.

And let's get on with the show.

That's not theatrical snow, Ray. That's cocaine.

Yes, it is.

If it falls in from the sky, everyone's going to be as high as a kite.

It's all that we've got, though, isn't it?

Except we want to just have to stop breathing, that's all.

All right, if I see as much as a rolled -up banknote, I'm going to nick it.

No!

hills and your dress and board the santa claus express

is

flying higher than a kite

we're gonna paint the picture white

You can't go too far.

Don't feel corny if you're horny. Go, go, go.

I don't know where you got the snow from, Ray, and I don't care because it's

bloody great. No, but don't breathe it in, will you, sir? Eh? Don't breathe it

in.

I don't breathe it in.

Three pints of brandy. Go and copy your bum.

Duke in the toilet, you son of a gun.

Let's...

You're ripping a W!

It's difficult enough, this job, honestly.

But I'm in the back of a van now, not a bloke, turns out to be a drug baron. If

that's not bad enough, the door's open, they throw that elf in again, he's

bitten me already, and I start biting me again.

I could have had him in a fair fight, equal contest, I could have taken him,

trouble. Snowflake, what are you doing?

Snowflake, what's your bloody move?

Hang on, hang on. I think we should calm down.

Yes, all right, let's calm down.

Let's both calm down.

I'll go and have a double espresso. No, come on.