Original subtitles

You know those assumptions about gender and sport?

That men like sports where you throw balls or hit people, and women like

with tights? I've never found those to be true.

Well, except for one.

Put it down, Bobby.

But I bet it makes a cool sound. Don't you think it makes a cool sound?

Come on.

You said you would behave if I brought you here.

Hi. Hey, sorry about that. My interview with ESPN went a bit long. I'm Brian.

Oh, PJ Franklin.

It's a pleasure to meet you, ma 'am.

Ma 'am.

Oh, it's just so rad.

And have you met my son, Bobby? No worries. The perk of my job is getting

play with a lot of cool toys. You can call an 850 horsepower car a toy.

Hey, I'm Bobby Newman with the Tribune. Yeah, pleasure.

Wow, that's a killer handshake.

You got to work out for something like that? Nothing special.

I go to the gym, rock climb, kayak.

When I really want to thrill.

I go skydiving. Hey, where's your fire suit?

It's on the back of the car. You want to try it on?

No. You know, there's a lot of talk about races being more physical this

Is that something you're seeing in the NASCAR Nationwide Series?

Yeah, really. Dude, this helmet is so heavy. How strong is your neck?

Whoa.

It sounds weird in here. Can you guys even hear me?

I think he cured the make -a -wish kid while we were standing there.

I'm pretty sure I've met the man PJ is going to leave me for, and I'm okay with

it. Oh, I don't know, Bobby. You were the one that was completely enamored.

Sounds like a pretty cool guy.

No, no, no. See, I'm a guy.

You're a guy.

That was a man.

What's the difference?

Oh, gosh. I don't know. To me, it's about responsibility, honesty,

Blah, blah, blah.

These are all abstract concepts like justice or electricity.

It just so happens this magazine might have some answers.

100 things a man should be able to do.

Fold magazine.

That's one of those laddie mags. Actually, it has some really interesting

articles in between the pictures of boobs.

Yeah.

Everything's better with boobs.

How to turn your girlfriend into a slut.

How to get rid of your slutty girlfriend.

Ugh. This man list isn't so bad.

A man should know how to start a fire, chop down a tree, find his way out of

woods. That's archaic. These are skills that have no place in the modern world.

Oh, come on, guys. Change a tire, jumpstart a car. You can do all this

can't you?

Oh, my God. I can do all of this stuff.

Bulge doesn't like know -it -alls.

Okay, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to put skills in a bag, and you guys are going to pick them out and

try to do them, okay?

Brendan, you in?

I already have a girlfriend, so I no longer have anyone I need to impress.

Are we ever going to get to meet this mystery girl?

Yeah, yeah. She's going to meet me here in a couple minutes.

I'm just going to start writing a few of these down.

Perform an oil change.

Buy PJ flowers.

Change PJ's shower head.

If you want a new shower head, I could put that in for you.

I didn't know you were handy.

I mean, I think it's the least I could do for letting me live with you now that

I'm... Homeless.

Actually, Brandon has already cornered the market on the least you can do.

Hey, Brando. Oh, hey.

Guys, this is Ashley. Ashley, the guys.

Hey.

Hi. Oh, you must be PJ.

I'm a writer, too.

Oh, wow, really?

Yeah, just such an honor to meet you, ma 'am.

Well, we better get going, Brando. My friend's ukulele band is playing, and if

you're late, you missed the tater tots. All right.

Peace.

Hey, buddy.

Did you all notice? Yes.

She's way too... Yep.

I don't know.

Bulge says the proper age for a girl is half your age plus seven.

Oh, screw that.

Mike, I can't believe you can't tie a tie. Didn't you go to Catholic school?

Hey, Father Perez tied my tie the first day of fifth grade, and I have lovingly

preserved it ever since.

This is a great painting, man.

Did you get it from the gas station guy that sells those tiger print blankets?

It's a Goya.

Yes. Yes, he threw it in for free with the neon beer sign.

Cool. Can I have it? Yeah.

All right. So what did you guys think of Ashley?

Do you buy her a children's ticket at the movies?

Did you meet her at the American Girl tea house? I enjoyed watching your date

To Catch a Predator.

Your turn, Bobby.

No, no, dude, I am completely supportive. I think it is awesome that

helping her study for her SATs.

All right, all right. Yeah, she's 22, so she's a little bit younger, but, I

mean, she's very mature.

If you have to describe a girl as mature, she's too young. She's so young,

thinks she's young. She's not some dumb chick. I mean, you saw the glasses.

You know, she's into really good books and music and stuff, too. She's cool.

Yeah, yeah, cool. Hey, how was that ukulele concert?

Dude, it was actually, it was awesome. They did all of Dark Side of, oh, you're

mocking me.

You know, when I go out with her friends, they're a lot nicer.

Yeah, because they need you to buy them beer.

Oh, hey.

Hey. Hi, hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

You know what? Just let me wash my hands. They let children on the L again.

So the rabbit goes around the tree, then down the hole.

Is my neck the tree?

Oh, my God.

What? You have a Hydro Chief 300 shower head.

Bobby installed it.

Wow, Bobby.

Yeah, it was no big deal. In fact, if you have anything else you want done

around the house, I would be more than happy.

Oh, wow. Okay.

I'll make a list.

It'll be so nice having a man around the house.

Ooh, that sounded like a jab at you.

Okay, PJ, we need a judgment.

Eh, close enough.

Hey, take another handful out of the man's back.

Oh, I gotta rename that.

What's this game? Oh, this magazine has a list of all the things a man should be

able to do?

What, the magazine highlights?

Cook a perfect steak.

Let's do it.

Hey, I was saving those.

Looks like we're having pizza and steak.

Okay, you guys, I need your help.

Does anyone have an idea for my new book? Oh, why don't you take our lives,

thinly veil our names, and air all of our personal problems? Oh, no, we

did that one.

So, wait, is the movie not happening anymore? No, no, no, it's happening.

They're talking to Kate Hudson to play me and Wanda Sykes.

To play my sassy friend, PJ.

Well, so we should probably order that pizza, huh? Where's the number?

I think it's down there by the phone.

What is this? Hey, that's the to -do list I made Brendan two years ago.

Oh, I saw where that went.

Hey, uh, Peach, do you put water on a grease fire or not?

Oh, you cover it. Why?

Why?

Kenny, what did you do?

You know, if you're smart, man, you'll throw that list out right now.

What? Yeah, how would we order the pizza?

She's going to want you to do that list, Mr. Showerhead, okay? And if you do,

she will own you.

I'm just trying to be helpful, man. Be helpful every now and then, but don't

a precedent.

Look, I'm selfish, okay? I don't want to establish work as something you do in

exchange for not paying rent. But you pay rent, right?

I'm just saying, you don't want to be too good at a job that you don't want to

do. So, we just put out a fire. Now we're going to remove some stains. We

burning through that list.

Okay, wait a second. You're going to fix things while I just lounge around and

write.

I feel like I'm living in a coffee commercial.

Yeah, I think I'll start with the leaky sink.

Sure, I can just call the super.

No, Peach, we don't need to call anybody. I can take care of it.

Okay, good, because Vinny is mean.

And he does an impression of me that is not at all flattering.

Yo, morning.

Hey. Morning.

I am beat.

Hey, but that's for my coffee commercial.

Crazy, crazy night last night.

Me and Ashley went to this club that had a password.

I saw one of these hip bands that play these ironic sea shanties.

That's a thing.

Like a good thing?

Okay, Brando, you don't need to pretend, all right? You're with us. Come on.

You're not 22.

We're not going to make out with you on a futon. Whatever, dude. I had a blast.

All right? You don't have to mock me just because you guys are all old and

domestic. Well, speaking of domestic, I am off to use tools, and later on, she

will come and hand me beer.

will definitely not want you to come in here and bring me beer for at least a

while.

So, Bobby's doing some plumbing, huh? Oh, yeah. It's so great he's pitching

although it's taking him a little while.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, after the poetry slam last night, Ashton and I went to Midnight Broom

Apparently 40 ounces of pair of cider and running on ice and street shoes does

not mix.

Who would have thought? Anyone out of college.

Ow.

Oh, that feels so good. Are you done with the thing, babe?

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Learned to rub a woman's neck.

Not mine.

Fine. But I consider the task completed.

Hey, Brendan.

Brendan. Go get Bobby. Tell him we're ready.

How's it going?

It's going all right.

Don't you think you're laying on it a bit thick?

I mean, you want PJ to call a plumber and not think you're a complete buffoon.

Rando. Dude, I know what I'm doing, okay?

Oh, I get it.

Go play poker. I'll be there in a minute.

Wow. I think it does have a lot of parts.

That doesn't sound like she's almost done.

If we're not going to play, guys, I got to bail.

Ashley just invited me to a flash mob pillow fight.

You say a lot of words that make no sense together.

Oh, it's a thing. You get a text and you all show up at Millennium Park, bring

pillows.

What? You're bailing to be in a mass pillow fight?

No. Dude, it'll be cool.

All right, I'll bite.

What makes a flash mob cool?

It's like it, um, I don't want to say this. It sort of, it represents the, um,

like the power that people have when you, um.

You know, Twitter brought down the Iranian government.

No, it didn't.

Oh, dude, look at you.

What?

Dude, you're killing yourself to keep up with some young, hot, crazy chick

again. It's a pattern.

She's not crazy.

She knitted this.

You're wearing a winter hat.

It's August.

I like her.

Don't you think you're dating her to preserve some image you have of

It is okay not to be a hipster anymore.

That's not why I'm dating her.

Yeah, but you're exhausted.

You can't keep up.

Come on, stay with us. Let's go play poker.

No.

Dude, I like her, okay? I'm having fun.

And before you make fun, my hoodie is comfy and keeps my head warm.

You don't need two hats.

Hey, Bobby, Brando's bailing on us. We really need you to... Well, I think

really does have a lot of parts.

I'll be right there, okay?

Um... Hey, babe.

You know, I really appreciate you trying, but I could just suck it up and

the... No, no, I don't need you to call anyone. I just need everybody to stop

backseat plumbing for like five minutes, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I mean, what is it about home improvement that turns men into jerks? I

Bobby totally snapped at me. Wow, Bobby doesn't snap. I know, he snapped.

It was like when a little cock or spaniel bites the face off a baby.

That doesn't sound like Bobby.

So this is brunch.

It's nice.

Kenny, you said you weren't going to interrupt.

Do you guys always go to brunch just to complain about guys?

Oh, no, they also serve mimosas.

Do you think I should call this mean super and just have done with it? Oh,

No, honey, you cannot do that. He has something to prove.

Like what?

That he can be a man.

Oh, no. Bobby's not like that. All guys are like that. Otherwise, I'd be sipping

a mimosa. They look really good.

Just let him work this through.

And wash your vegetables in the bathroom for a while.

Kenny, can you get my text? I think I found a bull we can outrun.

Ooh, is that spinach potato?

See ya.

Hey!

Get your hands off of my eggs.

And as Kenny's girlfriend, I am vetoing run with the bulls. Pick again.

All right. But you owe me for one red sweater.

All right.

Man sack.

Use a compass.

Boring.

Write a love letter. I'm not a lady.

All right. Hey, wait. You guys are cheating. Come on. It's luck of the

Do the very next one? Yes. Okay.

Throw a punch.

Take a punch.

Fate has spoken.

Wait!

Hey,

this is a brunch place.

I'll email it to you.

So, I totally don't need help. Like, I got this.

But if you really insist on calling the super... No.

Why would I do that? You are making some serious progress.

Wow, I believe you can do this.

Really? Oh, good.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, babe.

Sure.

I'm pretty sure there's a plumbing app for the iPhone.

Do you want me to check?

Oh, Ashley, that's a really great idea, but I think Bobby can handle this.

for our concert in the park.

I brought a half a bowl of pistachios because I can't get into my refrigerator

without a canoe.

All right, let's see it.

Does it shell?

No.

Yeah, well, Kenny has a little more power than you'd think looking at him.

It's looking pretty good there, Bobby, but I think you might want to tighten

flywheel. You know what, dude?

Fine, fine, that is it. Why don't you show me how it's done, okay? Go ahead.

Bring your daughter to work day. I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

super inappropriate.

Dude, what are you doing?

Flues and things are supposed to be open.

We're lighting a fire.

All right, put it up.

We already did that one.

I shall be telling this with a sigh.

Somewhere ages and ages hence.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I.

I took the road less traveled by.

And that made all the difference.

Learn a poem by heart.

That, bitches, was former poet laureate Jack Frost.

Robert. Same difference.

Hey,

Jonathan Safran Foer is boxing Dave Eggers for charity. We better jam.

Yeah, actually, uh, got kind of a situation here.

But I want to go.

Yeah, but, um, I'll totally make it up to you.

I'll make some pasta.

You know, pop in a bottle of wine, watch a movie. If I wanted to do that, I

could have stayed at home with my parents.

Um... Yeah, but you see, this way, I can help my friends out, and then you and

I... You know what we could do tonight?

We could go to that rockabilly square dance.

Yeah, that sounds... just awful.

I'm done trying to keep up. I like my friends, and someday you are going to

learn that the words, let's just open a bottle of wine, are the most...

Beautiful words, the entire English language, okay? And if that makes me old

-er, then I'm okay with that.

Whatever. It's probably time I started dating a girl anyway.

See ya.

Let her go, man.

Yeah.

That's the super.

I'll get it.

You want to tell me why it's raining downstairs?

We have issues in the kitchen.

You have issues in the kitchen.

What the hell is this? I am so sorry.

You know what I... I had to say.

Okay, why don't we just let him have some room, huh?

Hey, Bobby.

Look, I just want you to know that I didn't call the super.

And I really appreciate everything you've done. And, you know, the fact

this situation got a little hairy is not, you know, a reflection on you.

What? You know, this situation is not a comment on your masculinity.

Why would it be a comment on my masculinity?

Because that's what Stephanie said.

And Kenny.

What did they say? You know, the fact that you didn't want to call the plumber

was all part of this what makes someone a man thing.

No.

Wanted to do this myself because... Because I lost all my money.

Your money?

Having money, you never have to think about any of this stuff because you know

you can always just call somebody to fix it.

Okay. Now that I'm broke, I guess I just... I wanted to prove to myself that

could do this.

And that I have at least some practical skills to rely on. What are you

talking... What are you talking about?

You're really good at computers.

You write a terrific thank you note. And you have an eye for color. Wow.

This is a comment on my masculinity.

Oh. I'm sorry I broke your kitchen.

It's okay.

I just hate pissing Vinnie off.

He's always so disappointed with me in such a scary way.

Don't worry about it.

Let me handle it.

Me and Bobby were just talking.

Yeah, it turns out we played in the same softball league. Crazy.

Oh, hey.

Don't forget that.

You earned it. Bobby.

Hey.

All right. Thanks, man.

And I'm going to fix that bedroom window tomorrow.

All right. I will see you.

Oh, hey.

See you, man.

You guys like best buddies now? I don't know. We just got to talking.

Wow. You are so good with people.

Oh, it's no big deal. This is exactly what I said.

Being a man isn't about being rich or tying knots or wrestling a bear.

You said that.

When? It's about being able to step up and take care of things.

Be a man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I think I have the idea for my new book.

Actually, I think I had the idea for your new book.

I'll stop whining and be a man, Kenny. You know, the thing is, you were so good

with Vinny. I am having this issue with my dental insurance.

Could you call them?

Some say it's the way men are raised that makes them different.

Some say it's genetics, and some say it's evolution.

Well, if that last one were true, it's a wonder any men survived.

Can I take my Hewlett?

I'll make your list.

Um, yeah, sure.