Original subtitles

There are times when it's so convenient your friends became a couple. Oh, Pete,

before I forget, my publisher got us into Fig.

No way!

Oh my God, that's amazing. When? What's amazing?

Saturday. What's Fig? But isn't there like a three -month waiting list? For

what? I know, she's magic.

Who? Wait, what are they talking about?

It's like the sleepwalking dude. If you try to wake them, they get violent.

Okay, I'm so excited.

Fig!

Good morning, honey.

You wandered out to the shed again.

Steph got us into Fig.

Vince's restaurant.

From Top Chef.

Oh, my God. Vince.

Top Chef. Vince. Fig.

Now we're just shouting out random words.

Hamburger monkey pan.

What are you guys talking about?

You guys don't watch Top Chef?

If we did, I think you would have heard, Vince or Fig.

At some point. Okay, well, Vince is the guy that almost won Top Chef, and he

just opened up this fancy new restaurant. Oh, and it's getting great

Oh, and they have that caprese salad where the tomato looks like the cheese,

cheese looks like the tomato.

You know, we should just do the tasting menu and let him surprise us. You know,

you should just do the tasting menu and let him surprise you.

You know, I wasn't aware that it's okay to make plans in front of your friends

that you're not including.

Oh, Mike.

I know.

There are times when the differences between couple friends and single

cannot be avoided.

Mike, come here. Come on. Seriously, Mike, if you want to go, I'm sure we can

make the reservation for six.

No, no, you guys go have your fancy couples night. We don't want to

you. Oh, come on. It's not like that.

Yeah, dude, you don't even watch Top Chef.

No, only grown -ups watch Top Chef.

I'm too busy watching SpongeBob SquarePants with my finger up my nose.

Right, Brendan?

I have no interest in going to fake. Don't listen to him. He's just too hurt

show it.

Actually, it's my first Saturday night off from the club in six months, and I

would rather spend it blowing off some steam, not worrying about which fork to

use. Whatever, dude. All right, Mike, do you want to come?

We will be happy to have you. Oh, and be the fifth wheel? No, thank you.

I'd rather blow off some steam with this guy.

Right, Brando? Whatever, dude.

I'm really not invested in any of this.

That's right. Brothers united.

Okay. We are going to do something awesome. Right on. Couple of single

anything is possible. Oh, boy.

So are you going to drink here or at Crowley's?

Both. Yeah.

They have an inside tree.

I wonder what kind of tree it is.

Oh, I don't know.

Big?

Hi.

Reservation for Lane at 8.

Your table is not quite ready. It'll be 15 or 20 minutes. May I suggest a drink

at our bar?

Okay. Okay.

Well, there's no place to sit.

Wow.

15 or 20 minutes?

I'll handle it. Don't even bother getting drinks.

I love Kenny's goodfellas mode.

I know. It's like being with Don Corleone, but without all the killing.

How'd it go?

Good. Be about 15 or 20 minutes.

He didn't take the money? Oh, he took the money.

While the adults are away, Brendan and Mike will play. Check it out. Got the

system. Got Golden Gloves 9 Super Knockout. And if you want to take the

there's a way to make the guys look just like us.

I can't believe. So you're not insulted?

By what?

They were embarrassed to have us at their dinner.

Oh, dude, I didn't take it like that. Besides, let them go have their fancy

schmancy meal. Our night's going to be more fun. I guarantee it. Really?

Oh, yes.

Trust me.

They think we're children, but we're about to do something very...

Adult.

You made brownies. Oh, I made big boy brownies.

It's a little college recipe.

Oh, you made brownies. Yeah.

Click, boop, brownies.

Is it me, or have we been sitting

here for like a half hour?

I just want a menu.

Oh, I think I see our drinks. Thank God. No, they're not coming. They're over

there on the bar.

Oh, look at them. The little cuties.

Just waiting for a home.

Poor things.

They're sweating.

You know, I'm just going to grab them. I mean, they're right there. I wouldn't

do that.

Why? It's against restaurant protocol.

Trust me, we don't want to be that table.

What's that table? When I worked at a restaurant. You worked at a restaurant?

Yeah. And when it gets really busy, the waiters have a choice to give all

-around C -plus service or A -plus service to everyone except one table.

We called it that table.

I'm sorry, when did you work at a restaurant?

In college.

Everyone should be forced to marry ketchup bottles at least once in their

There'd be less war.

Well, how do you pick that table? Whoever got the angriest the quickest

got abandoned. So I suggest we chill for five minutes.

Let somebody else become the angry table. But I'm not angry. I mean, if we

our drinks, we should be able to go get them.

Yeah.

Excuse me, this area needs to be clear. Please return to your table.

As soon as you can.

And now we're at that table.

Oh, dude.

I got the cheat codes for the game, so we can play as dinosaurs if we want.

Wait, don't.

Put the brownie down.

Put it down.

Aren't we doing exactly what they expect us to do? I mean, they're going to come

home all full of amused booshes and holy -than -thou, and they're going to find

us covered in cheese curls. Oh, I forgot cheese curls. Well, let's prove them

wrong. Let's step it up. Just because we're single doesn't mean we can't enjoy

sophisticated night out on the town.

Well, all right, man, but I only got the game system for one night.

Let's play a bigger game.

Let's try something new. Let's be men.

Let's wear suits.

All right, these are like $40 brownies, dude. They'll keep.

You know what men in suits do? They meet women in skirts.

Ooh, skirts.

Yeah. I like skirts.

Who doesn't?

Women in skirts like brownies. No, not flowery peasant skirts. I mean real

skirts. Tight skirts with a little slit on the side to distract jurors.

Yeah.

So no brownies? No brownies.

Suits.

Bobby's right.

We're at that table.

This is not okay.

I'm going to tell that stuffed shirt we're dissatisfied with. Kenny, don't

embarrass us, okay? My publisher made this reservation.

I'm not going to make a scene, okay? I'm just going to tell them we're leaving.

They're not going to want that.

I don't know, Kenny. What have we got to lose? Service can't get any worse.

Excuse me.

Yes? That's what you know. We're not very happy with our service, and my

and I, we're going to be leaving.

Oh, very well.

Could you clear this table quickly? There's a party waiting at the bar.

Wow, really?

Now they're quick?

So this is where men go.

Tonight, we're stepping it up. We sure are.

You might say that it's a great tie. Oh, thank you. And... Thanks for loaning it

to me.

And for tying it.

Got to tell you, man, at first I was kind of skeptical, but now I get it.

I'm in.

I've been to this place three times in my life, and I've been asked to leave

three times. That changes tonight.

All three times, huh?

Yes.

Very politely, twice.

What happened the third time? Don't worry about that.

I look totally different.

I'm in a suit.

What can I get you, gentlemen?

Two Dalmore scotches, a couple of rocks, please. Right away.

Yeah, man.

Can't believe I wore heels for that.

Well, just follow my lead. A by the B.

Let's remember I'm not the enemy.

Fig is.

I'm just so bummed because we were going to have a special evening and now here

we are back at PJ's again.

Well,

maybe we can play bridge or something. That's different.

Hey, that's the spirit.

You know, play bridge. God, no, I'm not 80.

All right, well, come on, you guys, let's rally, okay?

I'll order a pizza. We can play charades or something.

Hi, yeah, can I get a pizza, please?

Yeah, I'll hold.

Mm. Can I find some treats? Sorry, I am starving. All I ate was vodka and a

pretzel roll. Mm -hmm. We helped ourselves.

Hey, Beach, these brownies you made are delicious.

I didn't make any brownies. Maybe Brando baked them. Yeah, Brando doesn't bake.

Uh -oh.

What? Well, there's only one kind of brownie that Brando baked.

Are you saying... Did we just... Wait a minute. What?

Well, now, it looks like tonight might be special after all.

That was my second one.

Ooh.

What do you mean, ooh?

What do you mean, ooh?

Oh, no, Bobby. What do we do?

Well, Peach, I think our friends are about to board a little ride, so we

wish them well and send them on their way, or... we could join them.

Honey, please join us.

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'd actually like to have three pizzas, please.

And some hot wings.

And a deep fried cookie pizza thing. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Two of them.

Thanks, Mike. Cheers.

Cheers.

I just don't think corporations should have the same legal rights of a person.

You know, I mean, there's no constitutional ground for that. That is

stuff.

We should talk about non -sports stuff more often. Tell me about it. You know,

actually, I want to go back to what you were saying about the black holes. I had

no idea you knew so much about physics. Well, it's been a secret obsession of

mine since I was a kid. It can probably be traced all the way back to the bionic

woman.

Excuse me for the interruption, but I just noticed that we're being noticed.

Oh, my.

Sorry, not your typical Crowley's woman.

No kidding.

Those women ooze glass.

What's our plan?

All right, stop using words like ooze. Okay, yeah, we can do that.

We gotta act like adults on this one. Yeah, okay.

I think they're smiling this way. All right, settle down, Ginger.

Here's what we do.

Show them the ties.

Yeah.

Holy smokes, I think it's working.

You go ties.

Good evening.

It is, isn't it?

Where are you in from?

Oh, actually, we live here. We just love this bar.

Oh, a man with hate.

I'm Lena.

Brendan.

Emily.

Michael. Nice to meet you, Michael. Nice to meet you.

Thanks, Woodpeach. Keep your guard up, Steph.

Hold your body.

Hey!

Hey, little champ.

You're giving it away out there.

All these people came to see you. Hundreds of people came.

Don't disappoint.

Let's do this, Blondie.

All right, come on.

Okay, top five inventions of mankind.

Um, the wheel, submarine.

Penicillin. Flippers.

Creme brulee.

Boon.

Wait, but now we have six top five inventions.

Then let's do ten.

And add four more.

I wanted to add dry erase markers anyway.

Ready?

And... D -O -U -C -H -D -O -W -N.

Kenny! What?

Moose from side to side. And you ain't got no alibi. You ugly.

You ugly.

Who are you even cheering for? I'm cheering for you.

But you keep saying Kenny.

Because he's ugly.

And he ain't got no alibi.

I'm not ugly.

Rain coming down.

right thunder lightning outside craziness total craziness then mike oh

says the pilot i give you a 10 on the takeoff but your score is going to be

heavily weighted on the landing that's good that's good you see

that five dollar beer gets you a girl fifteen dollar drink gets you a woman i

can't tell you how refreshing it is to finally meet some grown -up men Tell me

about it.

I love Chicago. It is not like Dallas.

Full of boys.

Hey, guys. Excuse me. We have to close up. Oh, sorry, Cliff. I didn't realize

were the last ones here.

Thanks for everything, boss.

Thanks.

Well,

the downside of a hotel bar.

But I would sure like to keep this conversation going. Yeah, this is our

night in town, and we still haven't seen a real Chicago bar.

No. Hey, what's the name of the place in your neighborhood? It's like a pub or a

tavern. Oh, it's Carnahan.

No, Craven's.

Crowley's. Bingo. Great idea.

Signorita Vaca.

Let us leave this dusty bar.

The bear is awake.

Oh, Sergeant Shark, you do make speeches.

They're kissing.

Hey, guys, I just spent an hour online searching for boots. I think we're

descending into madness.

No disrespect to your puppet show, Bobby.

Oh, oh, puppets have no use for us boots.

Maybe we should get some fresh air. I don't know if I can move.

My feet feel like they're full of really heavy water.

How can one water be heavier than any other water?

No, no, we're not going to talk about water. Come on, you guys, let's go.

go outside before this night really gets away from us. Okay.

Prowlers?

Nothing! Nothing!

Nothing!

I'll leave the puppet to you.

Bye.

I was starting to think that every man in the country played video games with

strangers on the Internet. Oh, now, that is just sad.

Especially the strangers part.

And when did guys decide that it was okay to go out at night wearing a

Boys. You know, sometimes I feel sorry for them. Oh, hey, we know these people.

Oh, hey, guys.

These are our friends. Yeah, Emily and Lena. This is PJ, Kenny, Steph, and

Bobby. Hi.

Suits.

I'm sorry?

You're in suits.

You okay, Kenny?

We've had wine.

We've had, like, a lot of wine.

I think he means to say you look really, really good, Mike.

Michael. What?

Michael was telling us that you all were at Fig tonight. How was it? Huh?

Wait, who's Michael?

You're Michael?

What?

What? You know, I think that the service was actually a little bit spotty.

She called him Michael. That's just weird because you don't even really look

like a Michael.

It's like if you called Kenny Howard or something, right?

Is anybody drinking this?

Well, this is embarrassing.

I just want this feeling to end.

You know, I think I might use the ladies' room, and I will join you in.

We will be right here.

What is wrong with you guys? You're acting like idiots.

Oh, look, it's angry Michael.

Seriously, guys, these women think we're grown -ups, okay, with grown -up

friends. Okay, we're sorry. We're sorry, Brendan.

It's kind of your fault, though.

How is this my fault? We didn't get to eat dinner, so we ate the brownies that

you made.

You ate those?

I ate two.

And a stick of butter.

How were they?

Dude, look at us.

Well, well, well. So the couple's got themselves into a little bit of a state

tonight, huh?

Are you wearing my T -shirt?

Yeah, yeah.

It's comfy.

I ate an entire bag of chips.

I hurt my tongue.

So you came here.

You moron.

You're ruining everything we built with these ladies.

They're classy. We're being classy.

Sorry, Michael.

Dude, what made you go all Michael?

It is my name, Robert.

It's like his alter ego. See, Michael is Mike with superhero class.

Stop it, Brendan, because you're not helping. I'm sorry, man. It's fun.

You ate two, huh?

No, I'm not. I need a bath or something.

Ah, dude, don't fight it.

Take a trip down that road for a bit. Yeah, look at that. There you go.

That a boy.

All right, all right, all right. Mike's right. I feel bad. We're screwing you

guys up. We should just go.

No, no, wait, wait. When you can't leave now, that would be weird. Okay, how do

we explain that?

Okay, okay, you guys, here they come. So, come on.

Group, let's pull together.

Brendan and Mike.

Michael.

Don't.

Welcome back.

I am so sorry about our entrance.

We drank on empty stomachs, you know. No worries. We're not judging.

No, but I do think we're leaving.

We didn't realize it had gotten pretty late and we fly back to Dallas in the

morning. Yes, we're just going to go back to the hotel.

You are?

I think so.

But Lena and I were hoping that you gentlemen would escort us back.

You'd be happy to.

Well, I... Good night, you guys. Pleasure to meet you all.

Wow, that kind of worked out well for them. All I can say is, whew!

Yeah, Michael would have never let us hear the end of that.

So what should we do?

Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I could really use, like, a hot meal.

You know, like some real food.

Totally. Oh, and know just the place, too.

It's open late.

Really good food.

Super mellow vibe. Mellow is good.

I could use mellow. I hope they have crayon. Yeah.

Oh, I hit the liquid center.

Why are we standing here?

Let's go.

There are upsides to growing up and being in a relationship.

And there are upsides to being single and carefree.

When you're single...

you never quite know where the night is going to take you.

And that can be really fun.

Being in a mature relationship means that no matter what happens, that other

person is going to be there for you, which is nice.

Tonight, I guess we all got a little bit of both worlds.

You know what? This is good.

I'm actually starting to feel a little normal. Oh, me too.

It was a fun ride, though.

I think Kenny's going to need a little more time, guys.

Yeah.

Look, Kenny, I drew a picture of how you look tonight.