Original subtitles

Changes in your routine can be tough.

And sometimes it's hard to see how it could ever be a good thing. Hey, check

out. A postcard from Andy.

I'm still pissed at him. He just picked up and moved to China for no reason.

Well, he got a job.

Yeah, actually it was a promotion.

I don't see how a pay cut and moving your whole family to rural China is a

promotion. Well, he thought it would be good for his career.

I'll say it.

I'm glad he's gone.

No offense, PJ. I know he's your brother, but that guy was mean, slow,

mediocre poker player. Don't sell him short.

He also complained constantly.

It wasn't constantly.

Poker starts too early.

And goes too late. This ice makes my scotch taste like freezer.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Missing out on some excellent anti -bashing.

Oh, scotch.

Complain. Sleep.

Well,

maybe it's a good thing he's gone. Yeah, except you can't really play poker with

five. One person goes to the bathroom and the whole game falls apart.

And he ruined everything.

Why don't you guys just replace him with somebody new?

Oof, so we're only that easy.

Well, who'd you guys play with before I came along? We didn't actually always

play poker. Originally, we had Risk Night.

But we had a truth. You said you weren't going to go into Asia.

Relax, all right? I'm trying to win a game here.

I think this guy should relax.

Oh, really? Because, you know, I think... That guy should relax.

All right, you guys, why don't we all just, you know, relax?

You know, I think the whole board should relax.

Whoa! The table should relax.

Kenny, it was a game.

Oh, really?

After risk, we tried playing ping pong.

That was a flimsy table. That's not the point. You were out of control. Why do

you have to be so competitive?

Really.

Because there was that very small window of foosball.

In her defense, though, I mean, you're a terrible goalie. Then my neighbor had

this yard sale, and that's where we got the poker table.

The very sturdy poker table.

And that was how Poker Night was born.

Until you sort this poker thing out, why don't we try that Thursday night tango

class?

Right. The tango class.

Tango class?

Why? It's a scientific fact.

Couples that have shared hobbies last longer.

I read about it in the New York Times. Every day with Rachel Ray. Whatever.

The science is sound.

So, uh, this is the thing.

You two guys are really dating, huh?

Yes. You know what else is the thing?

You were asking if we two are really dating twice a day. You know what this

means?

I'm the last single guy in the group.

What about Brandon?

Brandon's not single. He brings home a different girl every night. Not every

night. Monday night was the girl that played Wee and yelled, Oh, my stars!

All night.

Wednesday, Wednesday was Smokey Girl.

Not cool, Brando. No smoking in the apartment.

I told her to smoke by the window. Next time, tell her to open it.

Yes, these are bright girls we're dealing with.

Friday night's girl was my favorite, though.

She used my toothbrush.

You're cranky.

Something up, Buttercup?

Uh, yeah, it kind of is. A stranger used my toothbrush.

It's a guest toothbrush, all right? You're a guest, too. Guest toothbrush?

That's a thing. No, it's not.

Whatever, dude, you used the last of the milk. My milk! In my fridge!

Actually, fine, fine, our fridge. But, I mean, the point is, I gotta deal with

your stuff, too. Like your computer going slam -dee -slam early in the

First of all, no computer goes slam -dee -slam. That's a fact. And secondly,

noon is not early in the morning.

Obviously, we need to stop talking to each other so much and get this poker

night fixed.

Well, without it, I won't know where I am in the week. You don't know where you

are in the room.

Okay, okay, so the hunt is on for a new person to play poker with. Agreed? Yes.

Agreed. Agreed.

This ice does taste like freezer.

Yes, toothbrush.

So, I came up with a few ideas of guys to replace Annie at poker.

Shoot. Joe O'Donnell. Ugh.

That guy gets like two beers in him. All he wants to do is karaoke.

How about Mark Kimborowitz?

No way.

That guy's way too loud. He's like a howler monkey.

Really, Mike?

You know, he's also really into Civil War reenactments. And it's like, dude,

seriously, stop emailing me Gettysburg crap.

I'm wondering why you're checking out muskets. Yeah, it's... Wait.

You were on my computer?

I had to look some stuff up. On my mail?

I got bored.

Boundary. Brando Boundaries.

Hey, guys.

Hey. What's going on? Well, we're trying to replace Andy.

It's going awesome.

So you might be free for tango on Thursday.

No. Okay, everybody focus so we can find somebody that's a good poker player.

I thought that guy bent. No, no, no. Dude sucks.

You don't even know him. You met him for two seconds.

Whatever, dude. Look, anything you need to know about somebody, you learn in the

first five minutes of meeting them.

Where's the theory coming from? Oh, years of observation.

Hooking up with drunk club girls.

Okay, Mr. First Impressions.

Do you remember when you met me and Seth?

Of course I do.

Freshman year, storms.

I invited you guys to that party.

Hey.

I'm Brandon.

I live right down the hall.

So my roomie Stiggs and I are having a little happy hour later.

You guys aren't doing anything.

You should totally stop by.

Ooh, blind melon.

Nice.

Wow, that guy was so cool.

And super hot.

We gotta go.

Oh, as if we'd miss that party.

Hang on, let me get my tiny backpack.

I'm not even gonna wear shoes.

That is not how it went at all. Sure it is.

Okay, first, you were not cool. The only thing you got right was that Steph was

my roommate.

So, I'm thinking about joining a sorority.

Ugh, really?

Well, how else are you supposed to meet cute boys?

Hey -o!

Door from the house.

Anyway.

Huge shindig down the hall.

Me and my homie Stegs.

Right now, let's bring her on, unless you guys are willing to put out the fog

and get on the horse and go... Thanks.

Anyway, right now, total sausage fest.

Steg doesn't care, because he's got a girlfriend.

From hell.

I mean, every night they're on the top bunk, and I'm like, God, could these bed

springs be any squeakier?

Anyway.

So what sorority are you thinking of joining?

Where to, guys?

Fine. Then we agree to disagree.

All right.

Well, look, I think that we all just need to learn from the lessons of Andy

find somebody who plays a little faster.

And is a good poker player. Who's easy to get along with. Or a hot chick.

Yeah, not too hot, though. Well, it's distracting.

Right. PJ hotness or lower. Hey.

It's a compliment. A weird one. Okay, guys, let's just lower the bar back to

decent poker player, fast.

Good hang.

What about Mexican Freddy?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

He's a good player, right? Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, okay. Great.

Thursday Night Poker with special guest Mexican Freddy. Awesome.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Kenneth won't be able to attend tango class this week as

something came up.

No, you should not be rude to take out people.

When I worked at that pizza joint, we would routinely serve pizzas with extra

sneeze.

Hey, hey, focus.

That's on you.

Oh, uh, Bruce, sorry.

Wow, this guy's intense.

Yeah, he's scary looking like he could pull a knife any second.

Guys, come on, he's not that bad.

Freddy.

Freddy. Freddy, Freddy.

Hey, cue ball.

Keep the banter down, okay? This is a poker game, not a lady's tea.

No offense.

None taken.

Actually, I could use some tea. Hey, hon, brew me some, will you? A spot of

cream, three sugars.

I'm not going to defend your honor because he's a little scary, but I will

it happen for you.

Mexican Freddy sucks.

And I'm pretty sure he took Bobby's sunglasses.

So douchey. All right, it's official.

Poconut's dead.

Hello, Tango.

Well, wait a second. We can't let him ruin our game, you guys. We just gotta

to find somebody new.

We don't know anybody.

Well, we gotta break out of our circle and meet new people.

The only place to meet people is at work, and I happen to work at a place

only one other employee.

What's up, buddy? What's up, buddy?

True, isn't it? I think everybody I know I met through work.

Well, that's not true. You met them through me.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, how did you three meet?

I met Mike through work.

Oh. And Mike was friends with Kenny?

No, I was friends with Kenny. Do you not know this story?

Uh -uh.

Oh, that's actually kind of funny.

Back in the day, I hung out a lot at Ed DeBevick's. The 50s diner with the

funny, rude waiters?

I like to think of it as the place with cheap beer.

But anyway, Kenny was one of those waiters. You were a waiter at Ed

Slow down. Menci here is having a hard time keeping up.

Anyway,

Kenny asked me out a couple times. I wanted to be friends, so we came up with

genius plan.

I'm really... liking kenny as a friend i just want to make it clear that i'm not

into dating him by pretending to be on a date with me yeah exactly well listen

since we're on a date you want to uh somebody better call the

zoo and tell them to check the cages i think they're missing a couple of

hey kenny this is mike hey uh

wait do you seriously get paid to be rude to people You have no idea. Watch

this. Hey, lady, which would you rather have, a million dollars or your

husband's head full of nickels?

Dude, greatest job ever.

Hey, didn't Brett Boone say that? Yes.

I love that you know that. You'll drink it for free tonight.

Man,

this guy is awesome. I can't believe you don't want to date him.

It's not that I don't want to date him. I just don't, you know, want to date...

You are the worst wingman ever.

Well, that may be.

But I'm drinking for free with my new best bud, Kenny. Yeah, you are.

Wow.

Sounds like a love connection was made.

That's right.

And we never look back.

Shame on you, PJ.

What, don't I get anything for introducing you guys?

You can get the check.

Hey, guys.

Hey, everybody. What's up?

We're just talking about how we all first met. Yep. Uh, school, work.

Weird bromance scenario?

Hmm. Okay.

Wait a second. We met Bobby through you, right? Yeah, I met him at work and then

I brought him to the baseball game, remember?

Actually, I met you a few years before that.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I never told you this, but we definitely met.

One for the thumb, right? And we were there, courtside.

Is Michael Jordan in there?

That was Michael Jordan. He gave me his autograph.

Look at it again. I'm pretty sure I wrote moment chance.

I had that thing framed.

Dude, I bought that thing from you for $500.

Wait, Brando, are those my sunglasses?

No, no, no, no. Uh, found them.

Where? Uh, by the front door.

Sorry, pal. You snooze, you lose. But I didn't snooze. I left my sunglasses on

the table and you stole them.

Well, you ate all the Pop -Tarts. I ate one Pop -Tart. Yeah, the last one.

Stop it. Look, Mexican Freddy didn't work out. We're just going to find

who's a little less intense, a lot more fun.

Ooh, ooh, Kevin Esco.

He moved to Houston. No, wait, dead.

Eh, one of those.

There's a waitress at the club that says she likes to play.

I'm sure she does.

Play poker.

All right, what do you know about her?

Um, I don't know. I mean, seems nice, always on time.

Carries a good tray.

Is she single? Yes.

You and her?

No. Sounds good to me. Sure, let's give her a shot.

Kenny,

a little quiet over there?

I ate the last Pop -Tart.

Wow!

Oh, my God. I can't believe how much I'm winning.

Oh, you know what's fun?

Whoever wins gets to pick someone to do a shot of peach snot.

Ooh, that's... Sounds interesting.

No, we're not gonna do that.

Oh, don't be such a fuddy -duddy. Come on, Kenny, don't be such a fuddy -duddy.

I like this one.

I like this one, too.

Hey, you guys, I don't mean to sound like Mexican Freddy, but can we, um,

on the game? Hmm.

Are these good?

Oh, no, don't, um... Yeah, that's pretty good.

I'm gonna stay in.

Because I want to see what you've got.

I bet you do.

Bingo. No, not bingo.

Oh, man.

You've got me.

You have to do a shot.

Only if you bend my arm.

Oh, okay.

Too much, I admit.

I'll make up a batch for the table.

poker was that bad.

It wasn't even poker. It was like being a chaperone on a skeevy blind date.

Ooh, how about Jeff Hunt?

Who's that? The guy I went on a skeevy blind date with. I can't believe Andy's

leaving is going to kill our game. No, we're going to find somebody. To be

this is a tough group to break into.

Come on, you guys have like a billion inside jokes, and whenever you tell a

story, you shorthand everything.

What are you talking about?

Remember when Kraft chartered that fishing boat?

Classic Kraft. Yeah, except I never was told that story. I don't know who Kraft

is or what happened on that fishing boat.

That's Jenkins.

You're proving my point.

It's tough to be outside of the group.

Yeah, but you've been around since the beginning.

Still, it's not like I was made to feel comfortable right away.

I mean, it's been a long road getting to know all of you.

Except Kenny.

Especially Kenny.

Wait, so how did you guys meet?

Oh, actually, before I took Mike to meet Kenny, I brought Stephanie in to check

him out.

I see the invasion force from Planet Foxy has landed. I surrender.

Stephanie, this is the guy I was telling you about. Kenny, this is my friend

Stephanie. Hi.

What are you supposed to be dressed as?

Uh, excuse me?

Newsflash. Halloween is six months away. Why don't you take your mask off and

stay a while?

What the... Oh, don't worry if the fast ones go over your head.

Okay, uh, obviously you think you're funny, but you're sadly mistaken.

So why don't you just run along and get us some water? Oh, sure. I need a bucket

of water over here and maybe some hay. Hay.

Oh, my God.

Were you dropped on your head or something?

Who takes a job where they dress like a milkman and insult people?

Uh, insulting people is my business, and business is good.

How?

I can't believe you even thought about dating this guy.

He's a loser.

Okay.

That was cold.

How's business now, insult -y guy?

Hey, so, Steph, you decided that Kenny wasn't good enough for PJ to date, but

now you're dating him.

That's what this is for.

I'm an acquired taste, like olives.

I don't like olives.

You have no taste.

You said it, not me.

Yeah, I'm amazed you two got together at all. With me and Bobby, I knew right

away I liked him.

That's actually not true.

What are you talking about? The truth is, we actually met a few weeks before

think we did.

You did?

Shut up. Where?

Here. Over at the bar. It was a Sunday.

You were wearing your baseball uniform.

We were watching the Phillies -Mariners game.

Yeah. See, that's what I'm talking about.

Well, what happened?

Oh, Rollins triple, Perez hit a high fly ball to deep right, scoring Rollins.

Wow.

Hey, I'm Bobby. Yes, Drake.

You owe me 20 bucks, Mike. Stay up.

No.

No. Iced at the bar.

Yep, it's true. I was the invisible man. I can't believe it. That's so weird

because the perfect guy was right under your nose and you didn't even notice.

Hey, you dodged a bullet.

If you'd talked to him, you could have ended up with a moment shots autograph

that you later had framed.

Speaking of dodging bullets, there's one with the word tango on it headed right

for you, Kenny.

That's exciting.

And if we're going to get into this week's class, oh, I got to go. I got to

drop a check off at the studio.

Bye. Bye, Steph. See ya.

This is bullshit.

You never know.

You might like it.

That's what I'm afraid of. I can't believe that our poker game is

dead. Unless our new guy is sitting over at the bar, looking handsome, going

unnoticed by PJ.

Hey, can I smash the poker table?

Oh, my God, I've got it. What?

I know the perfect person for poker.

Priscilla Presley? Paula Poundstone? Peppermint Patty.

You know what? All right, it's a surprise. Just show up at my house

okay? You will not be disappointed.

Porky Pig.

Sorry, I didn't get to say one.

Yeah, look who showed up.

Hey, we're all here. Where's this mystery person of yours? Be patient.

I hope it's not Piven.

Whoever it is, they're late.

Not a good first impression.

Hey, Bobby, how did you not find out who it is, huh?

Why don't you use your powers as a boyfriend to spy? You know, withhold sex

something to get the answer.

What would be enough for me?

You ready?

sick joke is this good evening i hope our mystery person is hiding in that bag

so i realized stephanie is the perfect person to replace andy no she's not

awful no offense none taken because i know you and i know that you frequently

say idiotic things that is true that boy she's perfect yeah and i also know that

you like mini sandwiches so i brought you some with the toothpicks those are

favorite you don't really know how to play poker very well I've learned a lot.

Having to listen to you all talk about it and go on and on.

Like I know that in your game the wheel's good and cards speak.

This is weird.

Lorenzo's class starts in 20 minutes.

Well, let's give it a try. Open your minds, people.

Okay,

any other objections?

I guess not. I mean, ideally at some point we'd broaden our horizons a bit

get someone with some new stories, but... Oh, I got a story.

Yeah, yeah. I got a story about a roommate.

who dyed her hair and turned herself pink.

Boring. It was PJ. Not boring.

Okay, not telling the story.

Sometimes losing something means actually gaining something so much more.

And here's the best part.

She won't drink all my scotch.