Original subtitles

If friends are like family, then friends of friends are like cousins.

Some can be cool, some can be insufferable.

It can break either way.

Hey guys, Phil's coming by.

Ah, great!

Who's Phil?

He's a friend. He's like our best customer. You are going to love him.

hilarious. Hey, you know, we wouldn't even know Phil if it wasn't for the

which proves my point as to why we should keep the store. Except that he

in our online fantasy league on the internet.

Oh, man. Here we go again. People prefer a face -to -face relationship.

Sure, but if we're losing money, we could cut our overhead costs by going

completely online.

You know another way to save money? I could downsize half my workforce. Oh, my

God. Don't you guys have hours at work every day to have the same argument over

and over again? Not that this isn't super entertaining.

Not at all. All Mike does is sing these jingles that then get stuck in your head

for the rest of the day.

Nationwide is on your side.

Ooh, now we're on your side, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Who is ready for the social event of the season? Yes, please.

I'm throwing my first annual birthday bash and all -girls night. Oh, good.

See, I love you, and I really want to celebrate you any way that you want.

It's just, your friends and I, we don't always have a lot in common.

Oh, but some of them are new.

Maybe you'll have something in common with them. Do they squeal? I bet they

squeal.

Look, I understand. Not everybody gets along with everyone else. Okay, good.

Because... But, as an adult, when I have nothing in common with my friends'

friends, I make an effort until I learn to accept all of them.

Except Kenny.

Hey, just for that, I'm not coming.

Good, because you're not invited. Although I can understand how the phrase

girls' night confused you.

Good one. Are you turning 11?

Good one. Who needs?

Peach?

I judged the Bacon Olympics.

I cheerfully participated in Boilermaker Night.

And when you guys waited outside in the cold for the Springsteen tickets, I

rubbed Mike's feet so he wouldn't lose a toe.

Ooh, that was sweet.

Bad friend.

God, you're absolutely right.

Okay, you know what? I am going to make more of an effort.

Or I could just buy you something really expensive.

Your presents will be gift enough.

Yeah, I guess you wouldn't want a gift because you'd probably be afraid of...

Oh, my God!

Can you do me a favor? Sure, man. What's up?

It's about your buddy, John.

All right, ever since we opened this club together, all he does is hang out

give his friends free drinks. Isn't that why people open bars?

Look, John put up all the money, okay? I brought the expertise.

We agreed to be equal partners, but now he just treats me like I'm the

bartender. Sucks, man, but what do you want me to do?

Did you talk to him?

Look, you know, next time you guys are hanging out in your big fancy leather

chairs, sparking up your cigars, you know, just flip it in. Wait, wait. When

I become the guy from the Monopoly game?

If you think of it.

I don't know, man. I don't know if that's really my place.

Plus, you know, we're pretty busy covering the city in windowless red

Hey, Kenny! Mike! Hey, it's Phil! Hey, Phil! That's Phil!

No way!

How you doing?

Hey, Phil, this is PJ.

Hi! This is really a thrill. I'm a big fan. I read your column all the time. Is

that cloying?

Not at all.

Well, you're just a refreshing new voice in sports and even better looking in

person. How about that?

Nope. Wow, you're uncloyable.

That's not even a real word.

I know that.

Let me get you something to drink. What are you having? Oh, I'll have a Harvey

Wallbanger.

Thank you.

Sure. It's a kid's story, Geiger. Whoa!

What is he doing here?

Um, who?

Did you just get here? No, I've been hiding. Why are you talking to Dr.

You mean Phil? Because he seems nice.

He's the devil. Okay, what is going on?

Why are you hiding? He was our couples therapist.

He's seen my innermost self.

And I owe him 150 bucks, but mostly the self part.

And then, between the army and med school, I toured around the country with

music and had a... Brief stint with Manhattan Transfer. That was eight crazy

days, I gotta tell ya. Whatever you heard, it's true.

Get out!

Well, I'm gonna hit the latrine, which is army talk.

Go ahead and order another picture without me.

Isn't he awesome?

Why is he still here? Andy, what are you doing here? I thought you left.

I couldn't.

I'm waiting to ask him to leave. He's our friend.

He's not your friend.

He's a therapist.

What?

Meredith and I were having troubles, right?

So we went to see him. He's so nice. I bet he's a great therapist.

He's horrible.

All he did was sing these stupid songs.

Oh, that guy.

Yeah. Well, look, he's our friend, and he probably doesn't even remember you.

Plus, he might spill some of your juicy marital secrets. I mean, not alone.

Hey, a guy can't go loop his mule without being replaced.

Hi, Phil Clayton. Hey, Andy.

Hey, Andy, how are you? Forrest, my wife calls me Mr. Wonderful, you know, the

happy...

I'm happily married.

Yep.

Yep. Well, good for you.

I know you're new here, but feel free to be embarrassed for him.

So PJ's a writer, too.

This is Madison. She wrote a book about working as a bachelor party stripper.

Oh, wow. So you were interested in stripping? Oh, no. I was interested in

selling a book. Oh, for my book, I pretended to be ugly. It was hard.

But in this marketplace, you can't succeed without a personal brand.

I don't have a brand. Are you kidding? You have a great one.

Down -to -earth, Midwestern girl next door who can hang with the boys and

be so pretty if she put her hair down.

Yeah, you're a Twister -era Helen Hunt.

Yippee!

Who wants more wine? Or beer. Whatever.

Let's go.

Stephanie, I am really trying, but your friends are intense.

They're just motivated. And it's so great. I get to be the laid -back, nice

Really? They call me Margaritaville.

Yeah. Look, they really are nice.

and you said you'd make an effort.

Yeah, if I do it for a year, can I write a book about it? Hey, Margaritaville!

Emily's here.

Oh, so sorry I'm late. I was helping my grandma move.

Oh, Emily!

This is my friend PJ.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So, did I miss all the squealing?

So gore daughter, gore daughter, Chelsea in the back. No, no, we shouldn't do

this. I'm like, it's fine. I got that Secret Service dude's gun.

John, I thought we were going to go over the accounts today, man. Yeah, of

course. Right after you get us another round.

So I'm like, okay, left at the mall, right at the mall. I got to find the

Potomac. He's making me refill his glass, man.

Let me out here.

I know how he feels.

My business partner doesn't appreciate me either.

Business partner.

Did you get another job I'm not aware of?

Is that Dr. Clayton?

Did you invite him here to my sanctuary?

I thought you hated this place.

I hate everything.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Good to see you, Doc.

Good to see you, guys. How are you? And it's Andy, right?

Wow.

You two look so familiar.

You know, I've been trying to place you for days now. I was talking to my wife,

Suzanne, and I said, I think it's the guy who painted our den.

But then he had one arm, so that wouldn't be you, would it?

And he can't paint. And then I thought, I know how I know you. Look, Dr.

Clayton, you used to have season tickets right behind me at the Bulls games.

You got me.

I sure do.

No balls.

Recognize the back of that head? There it is.

Boyfriends suck.

Jim went ahead with his appendectomy on my birthday.

Ladies, ladies, I think you're being a little too picky.

That's your problem, Stephanie. You're too forgiving.

See?

I'm the forgiving one.

So, PJ, do you have a boyfriend?

I do. I do.

I'm a little embarrassed to bring him up, though.

I actually like him.

God, I like my boyfriend, too.

We better not tell the rest of them, though.

Don't want them to feel bad.

And that's when I stole the bus to Lincoln from the headmaster's office.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why did a boarding school in Switzerland have a bus to Lincoln?

I don't know. The place was crazy.

I was learning grammar from a German lady.

Actually, buddy, I got to wake up early tomorrow.

Oh, okay.

Let me get my coat.

Did you talk to him yet?

No, I'm sorry, man. I guess all that good free scotch just drove it right out

my head. You're killing me, man.

Come on, I don't know how much more this I can take. Hey, don't worry. I am on

your side.

Like nationwide insurance?

Oh, man, I just got that jingle out of my head.

I used to go watch a lot of baseball when I lived on this farm with this

family. I'm sorry, you lived with an Amish family?

Yeah. No electricity, no TV, nothing for a year. That's amazing.

Are you going to write a book about it?

You know, some things you just do.

See? That wasn't so bad, huh?

You know what? Emily is pretty great. Yeah, right? And I knew you two would

it off. Oh,

why don't you come do girl stuff with us? Yeah, we're going to have high tea

the Four Seasons.

And Madison is organizing this pole dancing empowerment class.

Great. Oh, and next week, Kensington is having a sex toy party.

Whatever happens, it's just getting your nails done and bitching about whoever

wasn't there.

Oh, yeah, it wasn't bad.

Met this girl, Emily. She's really cool.

Of course, I'm never going to see her again unless I want to strip her by pink

vibrators. Tell us more about this Emily.

Why don't you just ask this Emily girl to hang out? Oh, it's not that easy for

girls. These are like really treacherous waters, you know what I mean? You have

to navigate and negotiate very, very carefully.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, Steph.

Oh, hey.

Hey, did you want to grab dinner on Thursday?

Sure. You know, we should invite Emily. Sure, and boyfriend too.

Why not? Great.

Anyone need anything?

I'm good. Okay.

Wow.

Wow. That was like the Cuban Missile Crisis. Am I right? Mm -hmm. Oh.

You did anything. I do anything.

Are you high?

No.

Okay, Phil, back me up here. Will you tell this idiot that online is the smart

way to go? Smart?

Every time I get back from lunch, I expect to find you traded the store for

handful of magic beans.

Phil, you're a mental health specialist.

Will you tell this guy to shut up? Well, first of all, don't fight. I apologize

for Mike frequently.

Oh, really?

Sorry. Look, you can work this thing out. You know, it just tears me up that

can't see how much Mike looks up to you.

What? Nobody looks up to Kenny.

You know, I'm sorry, but that attitude is not helpful.

I could kiss you. You wouldn't like the beard.

Look, you don't have to agree with all of Mike's ideas, but they are valid.

Really? I told you.

You know, a friendship and a business relationship are hard to balance.

Mike's in a subordinate position at work, so if you ignore his ideas, he

assumes that's how you see him the rest of the time.

But I don't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Wait a minute.

That was actually helpful.

Yeah, and free of charge.

And now I'm going to sing you a little song about a couple I know named Claire

and Anthony.

Oh, are those patients?

It's okay. They're not together anymore.

So I spent the better part of the afternoon plugging kegs around while

through the better part of a thousand -dollar bottle of cognac with a pussycat

doll. Ooh, which one? I don't know. The mean -looking one.

He's so irresponsible, man. You've got to talk to him. Brando, here's the

If you want to be equal partners with John, you're going to have to learn to

manage him yourself.

I know, but it's just gotten so... At this point, you've probably spent more

quality time with the guy than I even have. I mean, I'm not even sure we'd

be friends if we hadn't killed that homeless guy together.

Don't tell him that.

He wants to believe you.

Okay, Bobby, come on, come on, come on. We're going to be late. Get your shoes

on. Peach, I don't understand. If you're trying to make a new friend, how come I

have to come?

Because if we're couple friends, then she and I could be friends.

And, you know, we could really use some couple friends.

Hey, Kenny and Mike are kind of a couple.

I'll go get my shoes.

Hey, Steph.

I feel like death.

I can't go out tonight.

Oh, no.

Hey, Stephanie's sick.

Well, you know, I guess we'll just reschedule.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Madden? We can, but I don't see any reason why you shouldn't still go.

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, she doesn't see any reason we shouldn't still go.

But it wouldn't be weird?

Really, I insist.

All right.

I guess you call me if you need anything.

Okay.

All right, couples night is still on.

Yay!

Here they are.

Do I look okay?

It's just a friend of Stephanie's. No, I haven't made a new friend in a while.

Do we still make each other bracelets?

I mean, I used to offer to show the other kids my horse, but Butterfinger

years ago.

Relax, we're not even sure we're going to like him.

Hi, guys.

Hi. I'm so sorry that we're late, but we just put a down payment on a party

barge. We have a lake house in Michigan. We'd love to have people out to sample

our home -brewed beer.

I'm Bobby. I'm thinking of buying a horse.

I'm still so impressed that you're a pediatric surgeon.

I mean, my God, you do something for the world.

It's just like operating on anybody, just smaller.

You know, Sean, I just wanted to offer, since PJ and I are both sports writers,

if you ever need tickets to any game. Oh, cool. You know, the kids at the

hospital would really enjoy going to a game. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, of course.

But, I mean, you'll come with them, right? Oh, yeah.

I think he's in love.

Oh, I'm so sorry that we have to rush out of here, but we have two golden

retrievers at home that must be walked.

Look, dog.

Yeah. Scout and Buster, the sweetest dogs ever.

Scout and Buster.

So perfect.

All right, well, we'll have to do this again real soon. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay.

Great news. Nice meeting you. Love it. Yeah.

Good night.

Oh, my God. Can we keep them?

I know, right? They read, they travel, they sail.

They were adults.

Sean heals sick people. I mean, can you imagine?

Did you hear the way she said trip galore?

I bet she speaks Italian.

You know, you were right.

We have needed couple friends. Our other friends have been holding us back.

Now we can go to wine tastings and...

Apple picking. And gospel brunch.

And gospel brunch.

I also make a great tortilla soup. I mean, what renaissance man doesn't?

hey. Hi, guys.

Can I speak to you for one second? Yeah, sure. Excuse me for one second.

They're great, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Two drivers, licenses from Guam. What

have you got? Listen, we're equal partners in this.

But since we've opened...

I've kind of been doing all the legwork, and you're sort of treating this like

some personal party you're throwing, okay?

It's not fair. I understand what you're saying.

Dude, that's great, because I really... But the fact that I put up all the money

makes me an equaler partner than you.

You know? So, there's that.

You know what?

I quit!

Okay? Now, you can bartend, and you can do the schedules. You can book the

bands. You can stay two hours after close to check the registers. And if you

want a full staff tonight, you can talk down the two waitresses crying out back

because they're in a love triangle with a steamy bar back.

Oh, that one with the Camaro? They all have Camaros.

But you see the one with the switchblade?

I'll let you find out.

So I'm getting a big bump in salary.

We're going to split our duties down the middle, and Thursday night, Brando gets

to hold court.

Why Thursday?

Well, because John gets to hold court Friday, Saturday, and every other day of

the week.

He did put up all the money.

Hey, Peach, have you heard from Emily yet?

No, but she said she'll call.

Should we call them? We should call them. Well, it's only been a day.

Right, right.

Hold on. I think it's finally time for a showdown.

Andy, hey, you know, I was thinking we should get our Bulls tickets back, huh?

I'll call tomorrow, and you can write me a check. It's $3 ,500.

All right, that's it, all right? I never went to a Bulls game with you. You were

my couple's counselor, and you were terrible.

Oh, now, come on, wait a minute. You gave Kenny and Mike better advice in

minutes than you did the entire time with us. You and Meredith are still

together, right?

Yeah. I remembered who you were all along, Andy. I just didn't want to

you. Oh, really?

Every patient is different.

Kenny and Mike, they just needed to clear the air. Now, you two, you needed

hobby, something you could share together, and that was hating me.

Wait, you can't tell me that was intentional.

I think the results speak for themselves.

I'll also bet you $150 that you and your wife make love tonight.

Excuse me?

Oh, come on. Guess who I ran into today?

Oh, that quack. Oh, he's infuriating. Yeah, he's the worst.

I love you. Oh, I love you, too.

I'm taking my blouse off now.

Oh, don't forget the mayonnaise and the chocolate syrup. And we'll put on the

Barry Manilow records. Would you rather have Sinatra? Let the dog be in the room

this time. That's always fun.

Well, we missed you. We had such a good time.

Really? Yeah, and thank you. They're our first couple friends, you know?

I mean, Emily hasn't called yet, but we were thinking of, I don't know, doing

something couple -y, you know, like getting tickets to Wicked or something.

Yeah, about that.

I don't think Emily will be calling.

Why?

Everything went so well. It did.

It did. And she adores you. And Sean does, too.

It's Bobby.

Bobby? Yeah.

Sean felt he came on a little strong.

He thought the whole nice thing was an act.

Bobby is nice.

Oh, I know.

I mean, birds practically land on his shoulder. Disney would write songs about

him magically appearing if you wished hard enough. What is wrong with these

people? I don't know. I don't know.

Friendship is a tricky thing, you know? I mean, the chemistry has to be just

right. And you know men. I don't know why they have to make everything so

complicated. Oh, you're telling me.

I don't understand.

Did Emily give you any reason?

Um...

She said I came on a little strong.

Oh, Peach.

All right.

Hey, we lost a friend, too.

Phil's not coming around anymore.

Yeah, apparently Andy caused a terrible scene, making all kinds of crazy

accusations. I just told him who I was. And he pointed out how you're always

undermining the two of us. He's trying to make me a common enemy to save your

relationship.

Well, I don't play that game.

Yes, Andy. Phil's a master manipulator. Actually, Phil did say he was paranoid.

God, making new friends is hard.

I have a bad feeling we're stuck with each other.

Well, hey, we do cover all the key demographics. I mean, you've got your

sensitive yet strong modern man.

The hard -working entrepreneur.

The guy who can do this.

The brother who's afraid to feel his feelings.

And the handsome guy who diffuses their jealousy.

With humor. Ooh, when's that guy get here?