Original subtitles

Well, I am officially friends with the Dalai Lama. What? How are you friends

with the Dalai Lama? On Facebook. They're Facebook friends.

Dil, why would he be friends with you? Because I'm enlightened.

Boo. I gotta ask him to join my mob. I don't understand what's going on. It

seems like everyone today exists in two realities. The real world. He's talking

about mob wars. It's this game on Facebook. And the virtual one.

Yeah, see, I don't get Facebook. Well, Kenny's obsessed.

I'm not obsessed. I just need Bobby to join my crew so me, him, and the llama

can rob a liquor store.

You gotta join. Being part of a social network is de rigueur these days.

De rigueur. It means obligatory.

Merriam -Webster, word of the day calendar. What up?

I'll admit it. I was wrong.

He loves it. All I did was give a starving man bread, you know?

Hey. Hey, Andy. Hey, you haven't responded to my mob request yet.

With you guys, plus the llama, plus Mexican Freddy, I can finally be the

Blee, blee, blee, blee, blee, blee.

What? That's what it sounded like to me.

Andy, you're on Facebook?

Meredith had me join it for this family reunion thing, but honestly, I never

really checked it. Join my mob. No.

Check your profile, Andy. I sent you a really funny video of a cat sneezing.

That video was so funny, wasn't it? My friend Matt sent it to me. He always has

the funniest videos.

You know what? I'm getting together with him this weekend. I'll see if he has

anything new.

PJ having plans means guys night out, huh?

Yowza!

No women, no curfew. We finally get to do whatever we want.

Poker? Done.

You know, Bobby, you should really rethink this whole Facebook thing.

I don't know. Would I have to join Kenny's mob?

You can always ignore him. That's what I do.

Join my mob. No.

You know what, Bobby? Some people use it for stupid stuff, but it's actually a

good way to keep up with your family and your friends.

Yes, Andy, you could post some pictures of my niece and nephew.

Or you could come over and play with them.

I will.

They're always sticky.

That's so derriere.

No, it's not.

You know, I'm constantly updating my Facebook status. If you were on, you'd

what's up with me. Like, what does it say now?

That I'm at Crowley's. See?

You certainly wouldn't want to miss that scoop.

All right, a guy from Mike's high school posted a video of him as the major

general in their production of Pirates of Penzance.

Free booze for the first person who provides a laptop.

Oh, I love that.

Leave the cup, baby, there's no time.

How you doing?

Why do you hurt me?

You know, you're pretty good.

Really? Of course not. You're horrible.

How did you get the lead?

It was a small, all -boys school. There were only like 40 kids in the class.

Even so.

I'm just glad they didn't show the video of my production of Annie.

I looked awful in that perm.

Hey, guys, what's going on, man? I got this update saying Kenny's witnessing a

train wreck?

Oh, my God.

I know, right?

Brando, how do you have 700 friends?

Dude, they're not real friends. I mean, they're potential customers.

I wouldn't even be on Facebook if it wasn't for the club.

There are so many women.

Hot women.

One could even say a myriad hot women.

All right.

admit it this facebook thing's pretty great got me back in touch with my

fifth grade class yeah it definitely makes the world a smaller place i'm just

not so sure that's a good thing well it is for my class we're having a reunion

who has a reunion for fifth grade fifth grade was the best i had my first

girlfriend erin radabaugh she was popular from a good family she's the one

got away from fifth grade she had an atari and a trampoline

Diana Kale had an above -ground pool.

It's hard to let somebody go who has kick -ass stuff.

Yeah. Oh, God. I remember when you broke up with Matt. Dude, I was so pissed.

Yeah.

He had the first PlayStation.

Wait, Matt the Facebook guy? Yeah. You dated him? Oh, yeah, but in college.

I thought you dated Thorne in college.

You are allowed to have more than one boyfriend in college.

It's not the 40s.

Dude, don't even be jealous, man. Matt was freshman year. I mean, Thorne, he

the true love of her life. Yeah.

Remember when Thorne came around last year and she got all googly -eyed and

almost took him to Italy?

Ah, don't be jealous.

You know, it's funny because then she ended up taking me to Italy, so I'm

actually not jealous.

Good. It's cool. You guys can have your virtual friends. I am quite fine with

my... Real ones.

Yeah, Matt's not snuffleupagus. She's actually having dinner with him.

would never let me go out to dinner with an ex -girlfriend. Yep, I gotta keep

this Aaron Radabaugh thing on the QT.

Bobby, honestly, you would love Matt.

I mean, he's hilarious.

Oh, the video that he posted about the kid with the hiccups?

So funny.

You know what? It's fine. I don't have to love the guy. And by the way, posting

a funny video does not make you funny. But he is funny. Like, really funny.

Yeah, and extremely handsome.

Okay, but is he rich?

Guys, come on, give me a little something here.

Kenny,

I

didn't need a status update before you went to the bathroom, and I certainly

don't need one telling me how it went. My life is an open book.

Close it.

Four Mexican samurai shops. Yeah.

Have you ever tried a Japanese bullfighter? No, what's in that?

The exact same stuff. I just like my name for it better.

I'll bring these right over to you. Thanks, Brendan.

You got it, Veronica.

Have you ever tried a Japanese bullfighter?

Hey, Brendan, do you know her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She comes in here quite a bit. She's a scout for some

record company.

Dibs.

You can't call dibs.

Why not?

Because she's not a Twinkie.

Well, then how do I know if she's off limits?

You could ask.

Okay. Uh, Brendan, have you staked your claim, sir?

You just have to make this difficult, don't you? Look, you know, I've talked

her a few times. I'm just starting to know her.

Starting to know her? Dude, she's probably one of your Facebook friends.

check her profile.

You'll know everything you need to know about her. That's icky. That's lazy.

That's Mike.

Look, I don't need Facebook, all right? I do my own night work.

Okay. Just so we're clear here, you're okay that we both go after the same girl

at the same time, and you're not going to use modern technology?

Oh, absolutely.

The epic struggle of man versus machine.

This should be a show in the History Channel.

Dude, this is so over. I don't know the name of her first goldfish while you're

still trying to figure out her last name.

It's Jones.

Man one, machine zero.

So, I finally joined Facebook.

I know.

I accepted you as a friend.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it turns out I'm not alone. It turns out I have a lot of

company. Like, a lot of your ex -boyfriends.

Like, Matt and Thorne and... Oh, why are you in a word twist game with Hank?

Okay, but what are you talking about? You were snooping through my friends?

That's not snooping. That's what you're supposed to do.

And you're friends with...

All of your exes. You collect them like Hummel figurines. So?

So that's weird.

That's why I said Hummel figurines.

I mean, we're just Facebook friends.

Oh, really?

Really? Because you're about to go out with Hilarious Matt, who, according to

his update, is contemplating his second cookie?

Facebook is great at bringing people together. Babe, he's just a friend.

Oh, yeah, who's constantly sending you virtual beignets and green chili. I

mean... Why do you even need to go out to dinner?

It can also push people apart.

So, Bobby doesn't want you going out to dinner with Matt.

Well, I mean, he's not thrilled about it. Or that I'm friends with any of my

-boyfriends. This is all Facebook's fault.

Everybody knows too much about each other. I mean, I really don't need to

about Andy's upcoming dinner with the gang from St.

Aloysius.

I mean, Matt is just a friend, you know? It is an innocent dinner.

I know.

But is it really worth fighting over?

I mean, not really.

But on the other hand, you haven't done anything wrong.

So what if he's an ex -boyfriend? You're right.

I mean, you're friends with your ex -boyfriends, right?

Only the ones that don't have girlfriends that made them stop being

me. See?

That's not right.

I take it as a compliment.

Yeah, I used to DJ for 107 .3. The heavy metal station? Yeah, I had the 5 o

'clock drive.

Huh, I've never gotten into heavy metal. Really? Oh.

How about getting high and playing D &D?

No?

Okay. Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

We're all here at the same time. What a synchronism.

You remember Mike?

Yeah, my new Facebook friend.

Yeah, it's great to see you again.

Are you from Idaho?

Yeah, how did you, did you, you mean...

Oh, I totally forgot I was wearing this today.

Really?

I'm from Idaho.

That's crazy.

That's like kismet. Yeah, two spuds meeting up in the big city. What are the

odds? None.

Mike, remind me again, where in Idaho are you from?

Boise.

Pocatello. That's crazy. We're like neighbors.

Well, I mean, it's a four -hour drive.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, it's all relative to Chicago, though.

You know what? I'm going to buy you a drink.

Maybe we'll have it in the cocktail.

And I'm going to have... Do

you make...

Boise? Trust me. Shot in the dark.

50 -50 chance you said Portland.

I'm still not worried.

Terminator, Battlestar Galactica, Terminator 2.

History teaches us man always wins out in the end. You know that's not history,

right? Only history that matters.

Hey. Hey, Bobby. We're still doing guys night, right? Yeah, we are. Because PJ's

still going to dinner with Matt. Oh, handsome Matt.

Are you still jealous?

I never was.

All right, you guys. Can I ask you a question?

Are you still friends with your ex -girlfriend?

Um, no. Not really.

Okay, fine.

But just because the romance part doesn't work out, don't you still like

people? Um, no, not really.

Maybe it's a girl thing.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It just seems like a lot more women stay friends with their exes

than guys do.

But doesn't the number have to be the same?

Unless there's one very sensitive guy out there who's broken up and stayed

friends with thousands of women.

That dude's had a lot of lunches. Oh, he's done some cat -sitting. That dude

sat through a lot of strangers' weddings.

Oh, this guy makes me sad.

Yeah, exactly. So why would you want me to be friends with all my exes? It's not

that. It's just... If you cut all these other women out of your life, who's to

say you're not going to do the same to me? But you're not breaking up. No, but

if we did, Bobby wouldn't still be friends with me.

He would, right?

I don't know.

Dude, I can't believe you just said that. Man, it's like, would you move on

ever died?

The answer's always no.

Yo, you're taking forever with those drinks there, Slick. I gotta go anyway.

You sure? Yeah. I'm sure I'll see you soon, though.

Later, Brendan.

Oh, by the way, that color looks great on you, Mike.

Oh, well, purple's my favorite color.

Me too!

That's crazy.

Score one for the machine.

I'm flying.

Riddle me this, machine.

Portland, Maine, or Oregon?

It's a trick question. Neither.

Man, I can't believe Mike's going to win.

Gotta give it to him, though. He really has been doing his research.

I just felt like I needed to learn more about this underappreciated culture, and

that's when I decided to go on my first spirit walk.

What's up, guys? Hey.

Your friend Mike knows so much about my culture.

Did you know I was half Blackfoot?

Really? Yeah. Well, you guys probably just haven't gotten there yet.

Oh, hey, Veronica, did you know that Sherman Alexie's gonna be reading at the

public library soon?

Oh! Oh, my God. He's my favorite author.

Get out of town. Me, too.

No, seriously.

What's your favorite book? Oh, so many to choose from. I would probably say The

Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven.

Oh, my God. Don't you love it? Love?

Why can't you work this hard at the store?

Thanks, Mike. I totally would have missed a reading.

Brendan, do you want to go with me?

Me? Him?

Yeah. You said you and your mom trade books back and forth. Him?

I thought it was sweet.

Or we could do something else. No, no, no, no. That sounds like fun.

Great. We'll talk.

Okay. Bye, Mike.

Him?

Me.

Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea, that's Morse code for you didn't

get the girl.

A tooth to the winner. Yeah.

But I'm a machine.

I know, buddy.

I know.

Look, man, I talked to her for a while, and Veronica and I actually have a lot

in common.

But we're both from Idaho.

No, you're not.

Hey, how about I get the next round, huh?

Thanks.

Don't worry about it, pal.

I'm sure there's somebody out there for you.

Hey, I got a status update.

Make sure you wash your hands. Okay.

Is this seat taken?

No, help yourself.

I'm Laura.

Hi, I'm Mike. Hi.

Hey, 2L Rally, that's where I work. No way.

Really? Really.

What a synchronism.

Hey, I know what that means.

Well.

Grab a seat.

Thanks. Do you want something to drink?

Scotch on the rocks.

I think I'm in love.

Me too.

Matt just had the best paella ever.

How you doing, buddy? I'm just fine.

Paella? It must be at that Spanish restaurant right next to that hot tub

You can rent those by the hour, right? Nothing like making love on a belly full

of rice.

I feel like that's actually Spain's motto, isn't it?

This is the life, right? Just a bunch of guys playing poker.

Yeah, this is what it's going to be like right after PJ dumps Bobby for Matt.

I can't wait.

You're still playing.

Jump in.

Can't. We're practicing for life without PJ.

And you're PJ.

What are you talking about? Taking sides.

We're not taking sides.

If they break up, we might have to. You're not going to stay friends with

I choose PJ.

What? Come on.

Wait, why are we doing this?

And what if I don't want Mike?

It's guys night stuff.

You in or you out?

All right, I'm in.

Wow, so we're really going to divvy you guys up, huh?

Okay, fine. I'll take Andy. No, he's my bro.

Okay. I take Kenny.

Okay. Then I get Brando. Last pick?

No, wait. Okay, I'm going to trade Kenny and Mike for Brando. I don't want to

get Brando up. But why? He lives with me. He has a room here.

Does anybody else feel like it's 1987 and the judge is making you choose

Mommy's house or Daddy's new condo?

Pete's finding out that Mike and I equal one Brandon. You know what? This has

actually become ridiculous now. It would never come to this. It will if you

don't stay friends with her. No, because guess who just became Facebook friends

with... Four ex -girlfriends. Oh, that's great.

That makes me really happy.

You guys are weird.

Yeah, and it was actually really fun catching up with them. You were right. I

don't know, there's something really nice about, you know, reconnecting with

past.

Stay away from elementary school reunions. Seen the old gang didn't go so

huh? Found out I've been living a lie.

Really? Yeah, times out.

Chris Morgan was the king of recess, Josh Brager was the smart one, and

thought Aaron Rodabaugh was their first girlfriend.

This whole Facebook thing has just been more trouble than it's worth.

Dude, it's like I said before.

I'm not so sure that making the world a smaller place is such a good thing. It's

true. You know, I've successfully narrowed my world to just this, and I'd

to keep it that way.

Well, I'm over Facebook, too. I didn't hook up with one chick over it.

You met Laura?

Yeah, but not because of that. She was just hanging out at Brendan's club.

Hey, did you know she's also a giant fan of Ted Nugent? It's crazy, right?

You know that wasn't just serendipitous.

What? You'll get there, buddy.

All right, Bobby, pretend PJ's not here. Are you really happy to have all these

ex -girlfriends back in your life?

I think so. I'm actually having coffee with my high school girlfriend, Suzanne.

Suzanne, huh?

Yeah, yeah, she's in town for the weekend. She actually works at the White

now. The one down the street? The one in Washington.

Better.

Anyway, she speaks like four languages now. It's crazy.

Wow. Wow.

So that's really cool. You made an old friend a new friend.

You know who also made an old friend a new friend? Erin Rotterbaum. She left

reunion with Jerry Pasquale.

I had to drive her husband home.

Nice guy.

Holy mother.

This is Suzanne?

Dude.

Ooh. How do you say hot in four languages?

That's Suzanne?

Is she the deputy secretary of Yowza?

Why would you ever break up with her? How you doing, buddy?

I'm fine.

So is she married now?

No. I think she's still single.

So I just call the White House and ask for Suzanne?

Yeah. Bobby, again, pretend PJ's not here. No, no. Very much here. Yeah,

come on. Let's show some sensitivity.

Bobby still has dibs on Suzanne.

Well, she'd be a fool not to want you. You're looking good these days, and I'm

saying that as a man and a friend.

And a weirdo. I wonder what language she makes love in.

All right, all right. I know what you guys are doing.

Does not bother me. Will it bother you when Bobby boulez -vous couches avec

Suzanne? You know what you said?

No, but you know what I meant.

Ugh, all of a sudden, my distant virtual friends are looking better than my real

ones. Yeah, you can always de -friend those guys.

You're stuck with us.

Am I, though?

I'm thinking about breaking up with Bobby just to see how this whole thing

shakes out.

Speaking of virtual friends, the Dalai Lama dumped me.

Did he find out you're not the same Kenny Moritori he went to high school

It's all right. He'll be in my mob in my next life.

Kenny, you do realize you weren't really friends with the Dalai Lama. And Mike's

not really friends with Scotty Pippin. He wouldn't know me if I sat next to him

in a bar.

But I do know he had Brussels sprouts with dinner last night.

All right, guys. What do you say we actually play some poker? Reveal them

Oh, hey, Matt is single.

Let's hook up Suzanne and Matt.

Ooh, I don't think Matt is attractive enough for Suzanne.

Bam! Yowza.

It can be a lot of fun having virtual friends, but nothing beats the real