Original subtitles

I'm so lucky.

The guys are always there for me to share the big life moments.

You guys, guess what? Hold on one second, PJ.

Mike was just about to tell us about the time his uncle boxed the kangaroo.

Unless there's something more pressing.

Okay, okay.

It's 1967, Melbourne.

G'day, mate.

Did you get it? I got it. What'd you get?

Um... I'll tell you guys later. Let Mike finish his story.

No, it's okay. I mean, you've already interrupted us. So go ahead and tell us

all what it is that you got that's so important.

Okay. I got a promotion, you guys.

I'm going to have my own column.

Hey!

Wow!

Congratulations! I didn't know you were up for a column. Well, I didn't want to

make a big deal about it, you know, in case I didn't get it. But you did get

so yay!

You guys, I can't believe this. This is like my dream job, you know? I mean, I

can cover all different kinds of sports. I can basically write whatever story I

want. I got a story for you.

A young Liam Callaghan dips into the ring. Like, there's got to be so much

time on the road, right? Oh, yeah, but check this out. They're going to do like

a whole ad campaign to launch it. How cool is that?

Uh, super cool.

That is awesome, Pete. That's what you've always wanted. I know, I know. It

It is, it is.

I will finish telling you all about that later, because I really want to hear

Mike's story. No, come on. No, no, it's okay. Come on.

Tell us the story. I don't want to. Come on, just tell. I'm not, I don't want

to. Come on, come on, come on. Okay, okay.

So, he steps into the ring.

His rival hops in.

Now, Liam is facing the match of his life.

And Mr. Honky Tonk, his opponent, stares him right into the eyes.

Boop! Jumps over the rope, darts into the outback.

He never fought again?

Melbourne's not even near the Outback.

Wait, who never fought again? Your uncle or the kangaroo?

My uncle. Oh, no, Mr. Honky Tonk was huge. He ended up on a stamp.

Yeah? Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what I find out.

All right.

Bye.

Who is that?

Oh, it's John.

Having a few little problems at the club. Like, you know, we're a little

schedule, haven't cited on a name, although I do have some cool ideas.

Medicine bar?

Elevation? A goat and oranges?

No. Dude. No? What?

I'll come up with something.

Oh, and also, you guys know how I've been going around to these bars and

lately, sort of doing some research, spreading the word?

Well, I'm going out again on Friday.

Who's in for Cloister?

Ooh, Friday's bad for me. I am taking my lady out to celebrate her big

promotion. That's cool. How about you, PG -free?

I'm his lady.

Oh, yeah.

You guys are still kind of getting used to that, huh? Not dropping in.

Mike?

Oh, no can do, buddy.

I'm on call.

Oh, my God. They still make those.

Mike, why do you have a pager?

It's Maggie's ex -husband's surgeon.

It lets me know when it's time to get together.

You know, it's kind of like when Commissioner Gordon uses the bat signal

the Batman.

Is it, though?

Dude, why doesn't she just phone you?

Yeah, she's not into talking all that much.

Dude. Pretty great, huh?

Dude.

Well, all right.

Just you and me, Kenny. Oh, man.

I hate those douchey clubs.

It's not our scene, Brando. Come on, man. All right, look.

Drinks on me all night, all right? I promise. Yeah?

Speaking of drinks, next round's on me. Who needs?

Yeah, it is. Now get up!

Count me out, suckers. Dr. Mike has got to make a house call.

Time to deliver 10 cc's of love stat.

No, just the battery's low. What are we drinking?

Hey, Kenny, you still up for going out tomorrow night? I guess. You still

buying? All right.

Where are you guys going? They're hitting some bars to spread the word

club's opening.

And this is the first I'm hearing of it?

Oh, sorry, Phil.

I just didn't think to ask you.

Well, maybe I won't think to ask you to go to the Jonas Brothers.

That's right.

Ouch. Doesn't feel so good when it happens to you, does it?

What's up?

Hey, why are you looking all ladylike? Yeah, you look all good.

But you don't mind that I said you look good, right? Of course not. Well, I took

some photos today.

Because I have a column. That's why you give the hot chick the column.

Somebody wants to look at pictures of an old, bald, wrinkly dude.

Well, I don't really think that's why I got the column. Oh, come on, PJ. Don't

be naive.

You think that your looks have nothing to do with you getting that promotion?

No. I would like to think it's because I earned it. By being hot? By being a

good writer. You are a great writer.

Thank you.

You are a little biased.

He's right. You are a great writer.

With long blonde hair and a great set of legs. No offense, Bobby. All good.

Like the late John Updike.

Nice set of getaway sticks on that guy. I'm just saying that it's more important

to be the hot sports writer.

You don't mind that I keep calling it hot?

Honestly, from the two of them, it was okay. From you, a little creepy.

What's the big deal? So, being hot got you a job. You know, it's no different

than having a friend help you out getting a gig, you know? It's like the

reason I have my job is because I know Kenny.

Actually, it's because you're hot. No.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have had cabaret mystique if it wasn't for John.

Cabaret mystique?

Really?

No? No.

You know what? This is borderline offensive.

Borderline? Hey, look how far I've come. No, this is actually insulting that you

would think I got a promotion because of my looks.

You're a hot chick who knows sports, okay? It's a novelty. It's like a boxing

kangaroo. Yeah, hot chicks make everything better.

Hot chicks in football?

Cheerleaders. Hot chicks in politics?

Sarah Palin.

You still think she's hot? That's a glad that I got a thing for smart chicks.

You still think she's smart?

Man, I wish PJ would listen to me and not let this bother her so much.

No, you don't.

But I kind of do.

No, you don't.

Let me help you out, Bobby.

See, you're in a relationship now. What you think, your opinion, they don't

matter anymore.

If you want to be happy, just remember this.

She's always right.

Right, but we're in the same field.

You know, we're colleagues.

I don't think you understand.

See, you're wearing the journalist hat, and you should be wearing the boyfriend

hat. The boyfriend hat? It's actually a helmet, but yeah.

Things are different now that you're dating.

You used to wear the friend hat or the journalist hat, but now you're the

boyfriend, you just get the one.

When you wear the boyfriend hat, you gotta agree with her.

But what if she's wrong?

She's never wrong.

You're in the back car of this roller coaster, bucko. You don't do the

What? Listen to me, damn it.

Do not be rational.

Do not be reasonable.

Whatever you do, for God's sake, just agree with her.

Okay? Okay.

All right. Glad we had this talk.

Bucko?

Yeah, I don't know where that came from.

All right, all right. You ready?

Yeah. Sure you don't want to do the corrales? Oh, dude, relax. You're going

have a great time. All right. If it's lame, I'm out of there.

What's happening, everybody?

Hey!

Open up.

What was that for?

I can't see it.

Woo -hoo!

This is the greatest bar in the world. Yeah, it's not bad.

No, you don't understand.

They have everything.

James on big screen.

Frightens that aren't obscene. Girls that are not mean.

And twins.

Hey, what's up, Seth?

Hi, please hold for Stephanie Lane.

Wait, what?

Who is it?

My new personal assistant.

I'll call you back.

Pretty great, huh? Wait, why do you have a first -office? My publisher thought I

should get one, so I hired Carly.

She's Lane Publishing Group's first employee.

Lane Publishing Group? It's a division of Lane Enterprises.

You should look into getting one, too, you know, now that you're a big

columnist.

Oh, my God, Steph.

The guys were so irritating last night. Mike kept saying that the only reason

why I got the promotion was because I'm an attractive woman.

So what? Who cares what they think? I do.

Because it implies that people don't take me seriously. Who says using your

looks to your advantage is wrong anyway?

You know who?

Ugly people.

Being attractive is an asset.

It's like being rich or tall.

And you don't see people tall enough to reach the top shelf standing in line to

buy stepladders, do you? Did he just make that up?

Yes.

But it sounded like a thing, didn't it?

All right, look, you're making a mountain out of a molehole.

Okay, that is certainly not the same.

Well, you know what I mean.

Pete, you're an attractive woman. Don't be ashamed of it. I mean, if people

think that you're a hot sports writer, then own it.

Well, I guess you're right. I mean, I should just relax.

And it's not like the paper's trying to sell me as, you know, the sports babe or

something. So it's... If it makes you

feel better, you do not look like that.

mean it was horrible there i was all glammed up on this bus with the tagline

franklin knows what men want everyone knows what men want a nap i don't know

what to do now i mean on the one hand this was like my dream job yeah and you

should keep it i don't feel right if that's why i got it well then maybe you

with your conscience so what i should just leave it and look for another job i

mean that's crazy i earned this column you know i should not have to give it up

Man, no matter what I say, it's the wrong thing. Of course it is. You're the

boyfriend. You're the one that told me to just agree with her. But you're not.

You're trying to fix things. What's the matter with trying to fix things? You

can't fix things.

You think Meredith wants me to fix things?

Well, there is the garbage disposal and the back step, but even then, I'm not

her first choice.

Never be too good at anything that you don't want to do.

Even he knows.

So I do nothing? No.

You listen.

Just answer yeah and uh -huh and watch everything work itself out.

That's wearing the boyfriend hat? Yeah. And you really think that'll work?

Uh -huh. Because I don't know if PJ's going to fall for that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh -huh.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Yeah? You're very good at this.

Uh -huh.

Hey!

I heard you two had a pretty good time the other night. Oh, we did. Oh, man,

this bar was unbelievable.

It's like starring in your own awesome beer commercial.

I mean, I swear, I felt a cool mountain breeze every time somebody opened a

bottle.

Okay, I'll go.

Go where? To the beer commercial place. Tonight, guys night out.

All right, but I mean, is Maggie going to be cool with that?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

We're taking some time off.

She dumped you?

No, no, no, no, no. It's more of a cooling off period.

She dumped you? Yes.

But look what I still have.

Okay. I was thinking.

I need the advice of a colleague.

Yeah. I mean, I should just talk to Jack Briscoe.

Uh -huh. You think that's a good idea?

Yeah. Should I talk to him tomorrow? Uh -huh. Oh, thank you so much.

I charge my DA.

I'm blowing up.

Tight jeans.

There we go.

Oh, guys, I can't do it tonight. John needs me down at the Rorschach.

Rorschach? No. No.

Well, I can't go out tonight, but you guys should totally go without me.

have a great time.

Yes!

What's happening, everybody?

one's reserved.

Sorry. That one too.

Really?

I'm not having very much fun.

It's not us. It must be an off night or something.

You guys can't stand in this corner.

8 -0 -0 -8.

Flip it.

Boobies. Nice.

Nice. I've been boobied.

Hey, Jack.

I've got a minute.

For you, sweetheart.

Two. All right, clock's ticking. What do you got?

All right, well, it's about my column.

Oh, yes, I heard you got the call.

Congratulations. Well, thanks, Jack.

You know, when I was your age, I didn't have a column.

Nope, I was in Vietnam doing a little thing called serving my country.

But I suppose backpacking across Europe on Daddy's credit card prepares one for

the world in much the same way.

Anyway, um...

I really admire the integrity that you've shown throughout your career.

you want to cut to the chase because kissing up is not going to keep me from

making short work of that burrito. All right, well, I'm sure you've seen the

the paper's running.

I don't really want the job if I got it because, you know, I'm the pretty one.

Oh, is that all? Yeah, well, you got nothing to worry about.

Really? Yeah.

You know what, Dina Metzler out of L .A.? Well, she was up for the same gig,

Dina is way hotter than you.

Excuse me?

You know her?

No? Well, she's young, younger than you, and she covers football.

Boy, does she cover football.

Jack? You probably haven't seen her before because she's always bathed in

brilliant white light.

All right, Jack, what are you trying to say? Have I earned the job? I'm trying

to say that they had a chance to hire Helen of Troy, and they went with

integrity.

Damn if I know why.

Boy, that woman aroused feelings in me I thought dead since the 70s.

Anyway, you better go turn in that column, kid. You're on a deadline.

Thanks, Jack.

I don't know what

happened. Last time I went with Brando, we were treated like the two most

popular guys in a super awesome beer commercial.

That's because Brando wasn't with us this time.

You think that's it? Dude, of course that's it. Those doors open up for

It's a Brando scene. That's not our scene.

Yeah, and let's be honest. It's exhausting, the shots, the dancing, the

standing. Dude, my feet still hurt.

See, this is our scene where we get to sit like adults, have a conversation.

Huh?

Let's enjoy.

Mmm. Mmm.

You can really taste the hops in this one. Yeah, it's got a full body, a

flavor, but...

I'm not full, and I've had four.

Now, that's a good beer.

This is a great bar, okay?

I mean, you got Lefty, Steve, other Steve.

Yeah, we don't need that other place. No. This is our place. Not going. Look,

you offered me $100 ,000 to go to that bar right now, I'm not in. Here's $100

,000. I will not take it. Here's $150 ,000. I won't take it. Here's $200 ,000.

Still not. You have principles. Principles. I will not go to that bar.

What's up, fellas? Hey. How you doing?

Good. Got off a little early. Thought I was going to go over to Cloister. You

guys want to go? Let's go.

So what

do you think? Do you think it's good?

Yeah.

And you think I was right keeping the job?

Uh -huh.

Because I know I'm not like just some pretty face, right?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm sorry. Do you really want to know what I think?

What do you mean? Of course I do. Well, it's just I've kind of been trying to

tell you for the last few days, but it sort of seems like you don't care what I

think. Of course I care what you think.

Well, here's the thing. You went to Stephanie, and then you went to Jack.

But Stephanie's my friend, and Jack's my colleague.

Oh. Oh. If only you knew someone who straddled both of those worlds.

Okay, but I mean, you're biased, you know? You're going to think everything I

is great, won't you?

Uh -huh.

Wait, no.

I'm going to be honest with you, okay?

Because I want to help.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm not used to having somebody in the trenches

with me, you know? Who cares?

Well, I do.

And I honestly think that this column is really fantastic.

Honestly? Yeah.

I mean, it's smart and it's funny. It's a really strong start.

I love that you never mentioned Jordan.

Right. But the end is, I don't know, maybe, maybe what?

Maybe the best writing ever.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Didn't I tell you? Dude, that place was unbelievable.

Brando, you should name your bar Cloisters, and maybe it'll be just like

Yeah, I don't think that's how that works.

Besides, John's already got a name picked out that he likes better. Really?

is it?

John's.

John named the club John?

Yeah. I wish I'd known that before I ordered up all these chitty -chitty bar

T -shirts.

But you live and you learn.

Do you, though?

Not really.

Hey, Pete, is that your column? I read it. It's great.

Oh, thanks.

It really is. Have you seen how popular it is online?

Not yet.

Wow. It's the most read column in the section.

Look at that.

And look at all the people who have written in the comments section. Oh, no,

no. I don't want to see what people have said. You're getting some really good

feedback. Maybe I'll just take a look at a couple.

Look. Great column.

So right about the bulls. It's about time someone gets it.

You see that?

All compliments.

Well, except for that one. Which one? The one here that says that you're not

hot as Dina Metzler.

Who is... this Dina Metzler woman and why does everybody think she's so hot?

And by the way, would it kill somebody to at least mention I'm cute?

Oh, wow. She's gorgeous.

Yeah.

How about a toast?

To what?

To PJ's promotion.

No, no.

To good friend.

You see, Kenny's wrong.

His real life beer ad is actually pretty great.

That's still dumb.

Good friend.

Great times.

Because wine.

It's too expensive.

Yeah. Indeed.

Oh.