Original subtitles

Athletes are always talking about giving 110%. Why do they get 10 % more than

everybody else?

Evan Huck goes down!

Dude, he might be dead.

No, no, he's moving. That's not moving, that's twitching.

Oh my god, no, he's up, he's okay.

Alright, he's gonna take his bait. Wow, he ought to take two or three.

Come on. He's a professional baseball player. I mean, I could take that. No

Dude, have you ever been hit by a pitch? That would shatter every bone in your

body. He's got a helmet. Mike, you threw up when you got hit in the nuts with a

water balloon.

Yeah, but that's an entirely different thing. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. You're saying

it's worse to get hit in the nuts with a water balloon than get hit in the head

with a baseball?

Hey, that's how David took down Goliath. And lo, the black wave cometh across

the giant.

The giant drop to his knees and rest.

Oh, hey, you guys. We've got a special guest for poker tomorrow night.

Evan's going to play.

Who's Evan?

Evan. He's the guy I met at Andy's barbecue.

Anyway, he's a good poker player.

You met a guy at the barbecue?

Yeah, dude. I told you about him on the ride home. You did? What does he do?

He's a botanist. Boy, I think we'd have remembered botanist.

Where does he botany at? The Nature Museum at Lincoln Park. The Nature

Lincoln Park? Yeah, it's right next to the zoo.

There's a zoo in Lincoln Park? My God.

Hey! What's up, Happy?

Okay,

either he won the lottery or he's going to tell us that the McRib just came

back. I bought a boat.

What? What? You bought a boat? Like, like a boat?

I bought a boat and this awesome book I'm not telling you. Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait. Where did you buy it? Got it on Craigslist.

1969, 31 -foot, diesel -fueled, criss -craft commander that cruises at eight

knots. And, man, she sure is yarr.

After we threw that sentence, I knew he was going to say yarr.

I'm sorry, you don't know anything about boats.

Right is starboard, left is port.

Bring it.

Oh, my God, this is insane. Why the hell did you buy a boat?

I think I got one kid. Just found I got another one on the way. Could be a fun

family thing, right? You'll all totally get into it when I have my boat

christening this Saturday at 1500 hours.

Kenny, that's three o 'clock.

I told you she was yours.

Congrats.

Bobby, you must have had a boat growing up. Did you bring back some memory?

Yeah, kind of. Not quite the same without the helipad, though.

Okay, what do you think?

It's not sticky.

Seagulls are disgusting. And I don't know why, but I'm afraid a lobster might

bite me. There are no lobsters at the lake. I said I don't know why.

Okay, let's do it. Let's christen this baby.

Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't we wait for Meredith?

Oh, yeah.

She's not coming.

Why not? Uh, I kind of didn't tell her.

About the christening? About the boat.

Anyway.

Woo!

Let's do this!

Don't be shy, girl.

Andy, you didn't tell your wife that you bought a boat?

Yeah, I don't know. It just didn't come up.

Oh.

You realize that you're going to have to bring it up first. I mean, she's not

going to say over eggs, hey, honey, did you buy a boat today?

Well, see, I was flipping through a GQ. Oh, I can already tell you're not going

to come off good in this story. And there was an article saying that all men

need a place to call theirs.

You know, a little hideout to be alone with their thoughts.

Yeah, but I think they mean like redo the den or put a bumper pool table in

garage, not buy a boat.

I deserve this boat. I don't get to have any fun anymore living way out in the

suburbs. I mean, there's nothing to do. And I'm just so bored.

I mean, Meredith's getting the baby.

What do I get?

Um, the baby?

Andy, come on. This is crazy. You gotta tell her.

All right, fine. I'll tell her tonight.

Tell my wife I bought a $70 ,000 book. That's gonna be great.

Hey, Andy.

That's what the book's called?

Seriously? Yeah, why?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

He couldn't find one called the Midlife Crisis.

Or the obvious cry for help.

My dad bought a Porsche.

My dad took up heavy, heavy drinking.

Cheaper than a Porsche?

No, it wasn't.

They gave your dad a gold watch? You still do that? Yeah, and it was a nice

So strange, though.

It's a whole other side to my dad. Everyone kept coming up to him and

him Sparky.

My dad has a nickname, and it's Sparky.

Were you close with your dad?

Apparently not, although I plan on getting a lot closer to Sparky.

Oh, let me get that for you. Oh, thanks.

I pushed it further.

Do you have a stool?

Um, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, here, let me get that.

Do you remember Evan? Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. What's your name again?

Evan, dude. Hey, good to see you, Paul. All right.

Excuse me, Evan. Got to put the grub down. Need some help? Nope.

Yeah, so they totally replayed the hell out of that beanball at SportsCenter

last night. Oh, God. No way.

Oh, yeah, I thought.

And I stand by my original position.

I could take it.

Oh, Chris.

You can't get the feel of the intensity of something like that from a replay?

No, that's why I look at the Zabruder film and I'm like, eh.

Too soon.

Really? Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Let me just... Grabbing a bowl.

Can't get out of everybody's... Guys, Andy's not picking up his phone. Does

anybody know why he's not here?

Maybe he had an iceberg.

Could it be on the Titanic or something?

Yeah. See, that was kind of the joke. He, uh... He bought a boat, so... Had an

iceberg, right. Yeah, that's why he's not here, then.

Right.

So, Andy's out, but, uh, no problem, because we've got, uh... You.

Evan. Yeah, let's play. Oh, hey, just pull up that chair.

So, Evan, what do you do? I'm a partner.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh.

So the knife lifts, and it sliced the very tip of this finger.

So the top of it is just flapping around, up and down, like, you know,

little hat or something. Like, hello, hello, a little hat, hello.

Oh, my God, didn't that hurt?

Nah, nah, because, you know, I'm like Mike. I just shrugged it off and I

the banjo. You know, my banjo made of lemon.

All right, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm more of a man than anyone else

here.

That was me.

Okay, okay. I got one. One summer we were camping up in Door County. I

misjudged the sunset. Door County. You ever been up there for the fall

Oh, this is awesome. Are you going to tell them? Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is such

good story. Hang on. You got to hear this. Every year they do this helicopter

ping pong ball thing where they drop like thousands of ping pong balls from

sky. And clang, clang, clang, clang. And some of them are prizes in them. So,

bango, we win a dinner for two. At this great perch restaurant.

The one with the bowling alley? Yeah. The Perching Bowl. Is that what it's

called? No idea.

Either way, we order the perch, and we start joking around, like, wouldn't it

funny if we got a little fishbone caught in our throat? And then I actually get

a fishbone caught in my throat, so I'm sitting there choking.

I think he's doing a bit, so I start fake choking back at him.

So the owner comes over, and apparently his fake choking was better than my real

choking, so... So he comes over and gives me the Heimlich, and I'm like, no,

no, no, I'm doing a bit, but he doesn't know what a bit is. So I look over at

Mike, and he's turning blue, so I gotta go over to him and give him the

Heimlich. Bang! The fishbone comes out of my throat.

Everyone in the restaurant applauds, and the blood drips out of my throat. The

place was crazy.

Did it hurt?

Nah. I mean, throat blood's no big deal. Dude, you were bleeding from the

throat. I'm a man. You had a little tear. A little tear, but that was from

laughing at the pain. I don't know.

I'm sorry we got sidetracked.

So, what happened when you got lost?

Got a splinter in my foot.

It got dark. We slept on the trail.

Woke up, got the splinter out, and walked back.

Did it hurt?

A little.

Oh, huh.

Okay, who's it on?

I'm all in.

All right.

Really? Yeah, I know what I'm doing.

I mean, you're sure you don't want to stay for another round?

Nah, I went out.

You know, sticking around for the next tournament, just watching.

I got to work tomorrow.

Is that cool?

Yeah, I mean, it'd be cooler if you stayed for another round, but... Thanks,

I'm done.

No big deal.

Yeah, no, no, no. Okay.

You sure?

Yeah. Go win my money back for me.

See, athletes give 110 % to their team because that's what everybody expects.

But if you give 110 % to your team, then what's left for everybody else?

So he just left and you haven't heard from him?

He's mad.

He's not mad.

He hasn't called you. He said everything was fine.

He said go in there, win my money back, kiss me on the cheek. I hear wedding

bells. TJ, he might have been Mr. Italy, and you introduced him to the guys?

What is wrong with that?

They're a five -headed monster, and it always goes the same way. They chased

away Hank. They chased away that Tom guy, that cute banker, the real estate

with the weird shoes.

Yes, but girls.

Horrible things.

They didn't chase Evan away, okay? You were totally overreacting. He hasn't

called. He's not mad.

You weren't there, okay? I can read people.

Like, right now you're frustrated.

You're actually still thinking about the espadrilles, aren't you? They're not

shoes for men.

Aha! I'm going to be Evan right now.

Calling from Meredith's house.

Hey, Meredith.

No, I haven't seen Andy.

Wait.

Wait, what fight? What was the fight about?

What? Andy bought a boat?

No, I'd be mad at him, too.

Um, yeah, no, I'll call you as soon as I hear anything.

Okay, bye.

Oh, no.

They had this huge fight last night. Andy took off and he's not picking up

phone. What?

He's not picking up his phone?

What are you doing?

I'm doing you.

No. Oh, God, I bet he's on that boat.

On that boat being an idiot.

Is there any other way to be on a boat?

Don't annoy me.

What's happening with you?

Stayed on the boat last night, and I have a whole new lease on life.

Look, I'm learning not.

That's not a double sheepshank.

Andy, what the hell are you doing?

Relearning the double sheepshank, for one.

Andy, Meredith is worried sick. Andy, Meredith is worried sick about you. You

cannot just start sleeping on a boat.

I can and I did last night.

Except around 2, I got a little queasy mood through with Howard Johnson's on

cell. Andy, you're freaking out.

You're way too young for a midlife crisis.

Everything I used to enjoy, living in the city, hanging out with friends, has

all been replaced with child seats and crabgrass.

Having one kid's enough.

Having a second kid?

It's the final nail in my suburban coffin.

Hey, I'm the second kid.

You never know, a second kid can be a great and unexpected source of joy.

Now, life got away from me.

It's all laid out.

I don't get to make any more choices. You have made amazing choices.

You chose to help people and be a public defender.

You chose to marry Meredith and have a family.

You just described a textbook dull suburban nobody.

Oh, come on, just because you have a family that you love makes you a nobody?

Come on, you can take your life in any direction you want. You just have to

your wife and your kids with you.

I already asked. She doesn't want to live on the boat.

Andy, the point is, you don't have to die in the crabgrass in Hoffman

Estates. Is your life over?

Technically, no.

Okay, so then fix it. You can still make it right.

Yeah, I can.

This is my life.

Absolutely. I got to hop back in the saddle and grab the reins.

Call Meredith.

Let her know you're all right.

Thanks.

Hugs, not drugs. Hugs, not drugs.

I actually got to go grab my own reins and call somebody who's not calling me.

I'll see you later.

Oh, metaphor.

Hey.

Hey. God,

it is like Africa hot in here. Well, yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Oh, yeah, right.

So, what's up?

You know, I just... I wanted to apologize about... Sorry.

About the other night. It's just... You know, the guys and I, we do this regular

poker night, and we probably should have just gone on, like, a regular date.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

No problem.

I played such a bad hand.

And the guys are, you know, hilarious. Yeah, you should see when Kenny has a

hand.

I actually don't want to talk about that. I, um, I wanted to, um, I don't

What do you think about trying again and having a drink or dinner this week?

That sounds great, but I'm swamped. You know, we got a ton going on the next

couple of weeks. We have an exhibit opening and, you know, swamped.

Yeah. No, that's cool.

But I'll call you as soon as things get back to normal.

Yeah, yeah, okay, great.

Yeah? Okay.

Okay, well, I'll see you then.

Oh, he said he was swamped, but he'll call me when things get back to normal.

Who said he was swamped?

Evan. Who's Evan?

The botanist.

Swamped? Said he was swamped? Dude, that's a total blow -off. Dude, he's a

botanist, okay? He's really busy.

He's got, you know, plans to discover.

No, swamped is a blow -off. And it's so unspecific that it's genius.

Actually, it's a nautical term, meaning when your boat takes on a bunch of water

from a passing boat. How is that relevant?

I don't know.

Is this our first fight?

Maybe. PJ, I think he's just trying to be polite. I mean, swamped is what you

say when you don't want to deal anymore, but you also don't want to hurt the

person's feelings.

Why would he blow me off? I mean, we had a really good time together.

If he had such a good time, why did he go home at 9 .30 on poker night? Well, I

mean, you guys weren't being very nice to him.

What? Yeah.

You guys always do this. You purposely chase guys away. You're a five -headed

monster.

Um, there are only four of us here.

Four? Four -headed monster? Yeah, you're not going to pin this on us, all right?

It's not our fault you brought your date to poker night.

What was it? Your third date?

Yeah, if I had a third date with a girl, there's no way I'd want to hang out

with a bunch of her guys, Fred. Okay, to his credit, he did stick around, and he

was a lot better about it than I would have been.

So now you like him? We never said we didn't. The question is, do you like

Yeah, I do.

Then why'd you bring him to poker night? That's what I was saying.

Whose side are you on?

I don't know. I keep switching.

PJ, it is a pretty tough situation for a guy to walk into. You gotta realize

that. Yeah, I guess.

So, on some level, you're either trying to test the guy or you're trying to push

him away.

Really, Dr. Brando? Is that what I'm doing?

Look, all I'm saying is that it's okay. You know, I mean, to a certain degree,

we all have a fear of commitment.

I'm afraid of commitment.

PJ, come on. I mean, look at yourself.

You are smart, attractive, funny.

Why else would you be single?

Because every night is deer season.

And there ain't no limit.

Ew. No, I'm not like you. I'm not like him. It's all cool, dude.

We can grow old alone.

Together. Oh, my God. I'm going to cry.

Hey. Hey. Here he is again.

And he's got the same look on his face. Uh -oh. Is it possible he bought another

boat? Just the opposite.

I sold the boat.

What? Are you kidding? Did you even go anywhere? You told us we were going to

sail to Sheboygan.

Promises were made.

Sorry, Mike.

Sadly, my marriage is more important than Sheboygan.

And speaking of marriages, Meredith and I are moving back to the city. Hey!

What? That's great, buddy. Welcome back.

Promises were made.

Wait a second. What? When?

How? Meredith and I talked, and it turns out she hates the suburbs, too. And

here's the kicker. She wants me to be happy. I'm like, since when?

She's like, since always. It blew my mind. That's fantastic, Andy. Problem

how could we afford private school in a big yard in the city? So, I got a new

job. Wait, you quit the public defender's office? An old college buddy

had been bugging me for years to join this huge corporate law firm, so I

took him up on it. You'd say it looks classy to have a do -gooder in with a

horrible pack of thieving snakes.

Hey, don't sell yourself short, man. You could be a terrific thieving snake.

Thank you.

Wow, man.

Corporate law? That's crazy.

Yeah.

Someone gave me a little advice that put everything in perspective.

Well. He said, Andy, sometimes you have to put your high ideals aside and just

sell out like everyone else.

That is not what I said.

It isn't? No.

My bad.

A toast.

Yes. Yes. To Andy returning to civilization.

Hey, guys, check it out. Kevin Hoffman playing today. Concussion.

What a wussy.

He was wearing a helmet.

Dude, you get hit with a 90 -mile -an -hour fastball, you would cry like a

little girl.

Baby, girl, baby.

Girl.

I could take it.

Absolutely no way.

Absolutely.

Okay. Give me a 45.

You're an idiot.

Oh!

I'm good!

Okay, come on, let me try, let me try.

All right, come on. Give me a 50. I can take it. It's ridiculous.

Okay.

60, please.

I'd like a 60.

Oh!

Damn it!

65.

Oh!

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Okay. What do you guys think?

Maybe they say 110 % because life isn't about perfect math.

The effort you put into different parts of your life doesn't actually add up to

100%. It fluctuates as you focus on different parts, as you strike a

Which is why I'm now going to try and give 453%. Give me an 85, and I'm going

take it in the head.

What day is it?

Today?

Why, it is Christmas Day.