Original subtitles

In sports, it's easy when a player goes pro to lose sight of his love of the

game and get caught up in the money, the fame, you know, the trappings.

My brother Andy kind of has the opposite problem.

Solid, right?

Guess how much it costs.

Go ahead, guess. I don't know, 20 bucks? Guess again. I don't want... Eight.

Andy, you're a lawyer, okay? Maybe you treat yourself to a nice bag. Not one

from a guy working off a sheet under the L. Hey, Manny's bags are cheaper and

just as good.

Unless you get them wet and need them to open all the time.

Namaste, people.

Except for the pajamas.

Not pajamas.

Yoga pants.

I just got back from my yoga class in Lake Forest.

There's got to be like a billion yoga classes closer than Lake Forest.

Yeah, but the lonely, rich, beautiful Lake Forest women are digging Mike Mike.

It is ass soup out there, and I'm the ladle.

Well... Watch your step, my friend. There's one thing I learned about being

Texas Chicago bachelor. It's that a lot of those hot, rich women have hubbies.

Hubbies do not appreciate single guys hitting on their wives.

Please. I can handle jealous husbands.

I've been doing yoga.

Warrior, too.

Scary, huh?

Yeah. But not in the way you think.

It's a beautiful place. Great wine.

Big salad bar. They bring back these huge skewers loaded with meat, and they

slice it right onto your plate, and it's fantastic.

Ah, Medieval Times in Schaumburg. I know it well.

No, not that place. I'm talking about Churrascaria. It's a Brazilian barbecue

the Gold Coast. Much classier than Medieval Times.

Oh? Do they offer a bottomless flagon of Pepsi?

Hey, since when are you into Brazilian food?

It's Julie's favorite restaurant.

Yeah, you know, you've been talking about this Julie girl for a while.

Anyone met her?

Not me.

No. Negative.

What's up with that? Yeah, what are you, embarrassed by her? Hey, you know, in

Kenny's defense, it can be a little intimidating to bring a girl around us

the first time. Thank you, Brendan.

Especially if she doesn't exist.

Oh!

Julie exists, okay? She's smart, she's sweet, she's funny, and no offense to

pregnant Kimmy, but it's nice dating a girl that isn't renting out her uterus.

So when do we meet her?

Tomorrow. We can all go to Chascaria. I'll give you a shot.

I'm in. You know what? I can't make it. I told my roommate, Jeff, I'd help him

paint his room. Yeah, dude, I don't know if I can make it either, man.

Churroscaria sounds pretty weird. It's meat, Mike.

All you can eat is stored loads of meat.

Churroscaria!

Dude, I'm pregnant with a meat baby.

I am just saying, set this whole thing up so she can meet your friends and she

doesn't show up. Come on, it's a little suspicious.

It's not. Julie's a lawyer. She had to work late. Andy's a lawyer. He doesn't

work late. Yeah, but I'm not a very good lawyer.

I have to remember this place.

The salad was yummy.

The salad was yummy.

Is there a problem?

That's all you can eat.

You don't waste space with salad and bread. You eat the meat to beat the

I should have warned you, Steph. When Mike eats a lot of red meat, he gets

crazy belligerent energy about him. What in blazes are you talking about?

Okay, who's ready for a nightcap?

I am. I am. I think Steph and I are going to opt out. You guys have fun, all

right? Okay. Hang on.

You guys want some protection?

Maybe we should walk him to the car.

It's the Gold Coast, dude. What's going to happen? A bag of money falls on our

head? Have a good night, guys. Good night.

Sorry, poopy.

Hey, if you guys run into any problems, just yell.

We'll yell something back.

Is there any decent bars in this neighborhood?

Hey, you know, we could go to Plush.

I was there the other night. A couple of cute little kitty cats recognized me

from the Bachelor article.

When did you become Burt Reynolds?

Yeah, and stop winking. Let's go.

I like to wink. I just want the toothpick. I can get away with it. Let's

drinky! I love that.

All right, you can only have one type of meat for the rest of your life. What

would it be? Oh, pizza. Oh, that's a good one.

I would say B, because you can have it so many different ways. Bobby? What are

you doing in this part of town?

Hey, guys.

Not much. We were just at this event thing.

Sorry, this is my buddy John.

This is Mike, Kenny,

Brendan, Andy.

Oh, hey. Oh, are you the Mike who used to work in the Cubs front office?

Yeah. Yeah, Bobby told me about you. My brother is Clark.

Your brother is awesome.

I love that bastard.

Sorry, we just ate meat.

How was Clark? He was great, yeah. He speaks very highly of you.

So where are you guys headed?

Um, well, we were going to grab a drink at Bobby's. You guys should come up,

yeah? You live here?

No.

Mr. Newman, are you coming in?

Or, or, or, or, or, there is a great bar right down the street. Come on, we've

never seen you play.

Bet there's spree booze in there, huh?

Yeah. Booze. Hate me. Dumb. Now. Go.

Hey.

I'm just saying, what woman have you ever known whose favorite food is all

can eat, yeah? Mm -hmm. I seriously think Kenny made Julia.

Oh, of course he did. What real woman would ever date Kenny? Oh, come on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They're telling me you're cool.

I think.

It's Monday morning.

I'm totally parked legally.

She's totally parked legally. The car's not being towed for tickets. It's being

repossessed.

Everything all right, Bobby?

You look a little nervous.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine. It's just, um, you know... Promise me that what you're

about to see won't change your opinion of me.

Don't sweat it, buddy. Your place can't possibly be messier than mine. Hey, you

might have furniture.

I doubt that. Hey, man, don't worry, okay? We'd never judge you. We don't

if you're rich or... really rich.

Oh, my God. Are you joking me? Look at this place. Oh, my God. You live in a

museum? What the hell is going on?

Who's that? You.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, man.

See, I hit a buoy out there once.

That's awesome. Here.

All right.

Trick here is to thread it between that building and that building.

We'll draw. I can do that.

Slow and slow.

Here we go. Here we go.

Uh -oh.

Damn! I shanked it off the Hancock.

Yeah. Let's pack it up. Yeah.

Okay. We're done. Okay. We're done.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Either you have an amazing real estate agent, or I'm seriously misinformed

what reporters make.

Well, I get a bit of a deal. My grandfather owns the apartment, so...

you seen the bathroom? It's gigantic.

It's got one of those full -on marble urinals, the big kind.

It's okay if I pee in it, right? Knock yourself out, man.

Dude, sweet pad, man. You should put some Cubs posters up. You know, class it

a bit.

Is that an original Cezanne?

Yeah, I think so.

Good eye, Kenny. I read the name.

Hey, why do you have a picture of President Carter kissing a baby?

Seriously? Dude, who are you? I'm nobody. I'm nobody. The apartment has

the family for a really long time.

You have a picture with a president.

Okay, okay. Well, we kind of own the whole building. And a bunch of other

buildings, too. Wait, there's a Newman Medical Center in Rogers Park.

That's you?

Dude, your family's loaded.

When were you going to tell us?

I don't know. When do you tell people that kind of stuff? The very second you

meet. Hi, I'm Bobby. Please don't be put off by my fabulous wealth. I think I

went to college on a Newman Grant.

Thanks. That urinal is seriously like six feet tall. I couldn't go. It's too

intimidating. All right, urinal.

Let's see what you got.

Challenge. Why is he going?

No one at the bank is answering the phone.

Well, it's 2 a .m. Maybe they're at lunch. Oh, my God.

Stephanie, sweetie, I'm sure it's a mistake, okay?

It's no mistake.

I'm overdrawn. I'm in debt.

Oh.

Well, maybe I can help you out. I can lend you a little money.

Yeah? Yeah.

Really?

Could you lend me $5 ,000?

You're $5 ,000 in debt? No.

How in debt are you? I don't know if I should tell you. You freaked out at $5

,000. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be cool, okay?

I won't freak out.

I'm $22 ,000 in debt. Oh, my God!

Stephanie! Hey, you don't get to freak out, okay? I'm the one with the problem.

Oh, my God!

P .J., I don't know what I'm going to do.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, listen.

After college, right, I had some financial problems, too.

You know, it's a long story, and I won't trouble you with it. But the point is,

I worked my way out of it, and I know you can, too.

Wow, I never knew.

Oh, yeah. So you were in the same boat? And I paddled my way out.

And tomorrow, I'll introduce you to my captain.

He's amazing at being frugal. He will totally turn your boat around.

Andy?

He's a life raft.

Okay, you have to stop that.

It was great.

I could feel the toxin just melting off, but I've got to be honest, that last

set of asanas kicked my ass.

There's my husband, Gary.

Hey, sweetie.

This is Mike, my yoga buddy I've been telling you about.

Oh, this is Mike?

Yeah.

Hey, thank God.

It's just that I keep hearing about Mike from yoga class, and I was worried you

were some young hot guy, you know, who just comes to pick up the girls, but...

Whoa, was I way off.

Anyhoo, someone just bought another mall today.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, right here.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, who wants to come celebrate?

Huh? Sure.

No, I'm good.

Sure. I gotta go.

Catch my bus.

Missed my train.

His family is incredibly wealthy. Richer than God.

You should see his apartment. It's huge. It's got a sick view.

Don't even get me started on that urinal.

Hey, you all right, buddy? Dark days.

I was at yoga class and this girl's husband showed up. Did you really let

mat not stretch him?

Dude, I'm not funny.

This dude thought I was a joke. I've never felt more emasculated in my life.

I've finally been exposed for what I am, an unemployed chump who hangs around

married women in his pajamas.

Yoga pants.

Pajamas! I got a matching top.

I gotta get a job.

Hey, guys. Hey, money bags.

Well, well, well.

I take it you heard?

Yep. So how long are you gonna grin and stare at me?

For a little bit. Me too.

But when I look at you, all I think about is your urinal.

You know, for a small donation, we could name the baseball team the Bobby

Newmans instead of Steve's Collision. I'm just saying.

Now, leave him alone. I wouldn't know, but I'm sure being rich comes with its

own set of problems. Oh, yes.

I want to drive the Red Rolls of the Blue Bentley today.

It's so difficult to find a decent helicopter pilot.

Oh, yes.

You guys, believe me, I often wish my family didn't have all this money, okay?

Money just screws people up.

dad he never held a job he never had a long -term relationship he's been in and

out of rehab i mean he's a smart guy but access and entitlement completely

stunted him

Did you have a butler growing up? I always thought it would be cool to have

butler growing up. Like Arthur, where he takes care of you when you're drunk?

Like Alfred from Batman?

That would be really cool.

What's Robin Leach?

You guys, as much fun as this is, Jeff is locked out. I gotta go.

I'll catch you later.

Hey guys, Bob's a rich one. I have a roommate.

Did any of you guys meet Jeff the other night? Negative.

Not I.

But we've never met Julie either, so... Funny.

You know, I scoured that place.

Bobby lives alone.

Think you made him up?

Rich people are bonkers.

Meredith.

In.

Sorry. Habit.

Okay, Stephanie, you're in debt.

It's bad, but we can fix it.

The first step is we have to get you in touch with a debt counselor.

His name is Lance, and he's great. He got Meredith back on track and saved our

marriage, which, in retrospect, may have been an opportunity missed.

We also have to make sure you don't accrue any more debt.

You know how we do this? Cut up my credit cards?

Yeah. Oh, I bought a new pair just for the occasion.

Tough crowd.

Okay.

No more shopping.

No more magazine subscriptions.

No more cable TV. No trip to Italy.

What?

No!

Believe it or not, that's not helping.

Andy, let's just put a pin in Italy, and Stephanie and I will deal with that one

later, okay?

Fine. Pin in Italy, because here's the big one.

You have to give up this apartment.

What? The rent is way too high. You can't afford it. You don't need it. You

don't know what I need. I know you don't need 50 pairs of shoes, weekly

manicures, a $40 ,000 car.

I know you don't need to spend $300 on a pair of jeans. And no, I'm not going to

spend $2 ,000 on a Labradoodle, Meredith.

Okay, okay, here's one.

Cozy studio apartment in quaint garden settings.

That means tiny, damp, and an old lady died here. I was thinking more along the

lines of this.

Yeah, that means big and expensive, and you can't afford that. Stephanie, why do

you need two bedrooms?

We returned from Italy.

Me and my mystery man are madly in love.

He moved into my apartment. We convert the second bedroom into an office and

launch a business importing designer candies and chocolate.

What if none of that works out? Don't what if my life away.

I'm 28.

The plan is to be married by the time that I'm 30. And as far as career goes,

I'm this close to being senior editor.

And you know what? If all of those things work out, that's great.

I'm just saying, why not appreciate what you have right now, huh?

You know? I mean, it is okay to live in an affordable apartment. We're not even

30. And we have time to have the rest of our life.

Yeah, but don't you want to know how it turns out?

No. I don't.

You know, I'm having a blast right now.

You're a big part of that blastiness.

Well, I want you to remember that when we're eating ramen noodles and taking a

butt. In baseball, you recognize that it's not about the next game or even the

next inning.

It's about the moment. Because every pitch, every outfielder's adjustment has

meaning. That's why the game is so fun.

Hey, guys, nobody make plans for Sunday, okay? We're helping Stephanie move.

I'd love to, but I'll be having a bad back on Sunday.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Bobby.

We're helping Stephanie move on Sunday, okay? Yeah, cool. I'm in.

Great. Maybe you can invite your roommate, Jeff.

Um, yeah, I could ask.

All right, I'm just going to come right out and say it. The guys and I were

talking. Jeff doesn't add up.

What do you mean?

Dude, we know that Jeff doesn't exist.

And don't take this the wrong way, but you're super crazy. Yeah, man, making

somebody up, I mean, that's pretty out there. And he should know.

Julie exists.

So does Santa. All right, guys, come on.

Follow me. You guys, I'm sorry.

I know this seems strange, but I had to hide the fact that I was rich, and Jeff

helped me do that.

Um, I don't understand. Why did you need to hide that? Because people act

strange when they know you're rich. They treat you differently.

And it's hard to tell whether somebody likes you or they like your money.

Come on, man, that's ridiculous.

I'm back!

I got a plan to get me out of unemployment and back into the

I brought some wings from Chili's to help us celebrate.

Oh, great, more meat.

Speaking of wings, airplanes.

Speaking of airplanes, money. Speaking of money, Bobby.

What? My cousin told me about this business proposition, and evidently it

lose. You ready?

You give me $5 ,000 and we buy a plane.

It'll have four passengers, two flight attendants, and one pilot. All we've got

to do is sell the seats.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're buying an airplane?

It's not a real plane. It's a metaphor plane.

Once we sell four seats, we become flight attendants. You're worried about

emasculated and you're going to become a flight attendant?

Who soon will be a pilot.

I don't think I want to be on any plane you're piloting. It's not an actual

plane. Still, I'd buy a seat on your plane. Thank you, Andy. Can I have some

tomato juice and a pillow?

Mike. I'm not interested in a pyramid scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme.

Wait, is it?

Oh.

You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't have any money.

family's money. And when I got out of college, I decided that I was only going

to live off of what I earned. And I do that.

Except for your apartment.

Well, it was empty.

And it's free. And it's close to the out. And I do pay for cable. The point

is... I don't want my family's money because all it seems to have done is

them up, and I didn't want you guys to know about the money because it seems to

screw my friendships up, too.

Okay, so that's why I left the other night, and that is why I made up Jeff.

Hang on. That time that you left the Cubs game early because Jeff was in an

accident. I had a Newman Foundation meeting.

And that time you wouldn't let me crash at your place because Jeff's cousin was

in town? I'm sorry, dude. I didn't want you to see my place.

In the time I invited you to Savannah's play?

I didn't want to go.

I respect that.

It wasn't bad.

She really came up that second night.

How about this? How about you tell us one being rich is awesome story, and I

promise we'll never tease you about being rich again.

Really? One awesome rich guy story?

Um, okay.

My 16th birthday.

Bowling party at the White House with the Clintons.

I made out with Chelsea.

Seal sang me happy birthday, and I got a Porsche.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

That's amazing.

Guys, wait a minute.

You're lying.

In baseball, it's refreshing when a player who's making millions shuns all

the trappings and plays purely for the love of the game.

Wait, that was 26. That was 26. Wow.

Come on, I've got to go back.

Lift.

Come on. All right, guys, that's the last of it. A tank so small.

It's cozy, okay? And more importantly, it's affordable.

Did I just spot Mr. C -32B direct to Milan?

How great can he be? He lives in this building.

Stop.

Hey, by the way.

You said after college you got into some debt, right?

Oh, yeah. You don't even want to know.

Yes, I do.

Um, $7 ,000?

No.

$100 ,000? Yeah.

We weren't in the same boat. I played with your boat in my boat's bathtub.

Well, it freaked me out. I come from a very frugal family.

Yeah, when we go to Italy, I'm going to make you buy a $700 purse.

Well, it's a little tight, but we fit it all in there. Thank you guys so much.

Oh, hey, I was going to order some pizza while you started packing the boxes.

Wait.

Bobby, didn't you say your roommate Jeff had that thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's moving to Buenos Aires, so we're having a farewell to Jeff party tonight.

told him you guys were coming.

Affirmative. Got to go.

Absolutely. Pete, are you going?

Yeah.

I can help you for a little while, but, I mean, it's Jeff.

How can you say no to Jeff? You can't say no to Jeff.