Original subtitles

The simple goal for every ballplayer is this.

Consistency. That is the ability to play the game at a high level every single

day. To get there, you've got to work your butt off.

Who's that?

The Turk Friday Hill Show.

I'm going to be a guest this Sunday.

Sweet!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, that's huge. The Turk Bartell show.

The Turk is a total legend. The guy carries a thousand in cash at all times,

dressed in nothing but Hugo box. He eats at Charlie Trotter's every night.

Wow, PJ, that is so cool. How did you get that gift? Well, I just had an

interview with him, and he was just impressed by my extensive knowledge of

Cubs. No one better.

Yeah. And check this. I could be a regular guest. I mean, if I do a good

problem. Are you kidding me? It's easy.

Damn it.

Wow.

Thanks for the support, Bob.

No, no, no, no, no. It's awesome.

It's awesome for you. It just also means that I didn't get the call.

I had an interview last week.

Wait a second. Is this going to be your first time on TV?

Yep. Yeah, and this is just the beginning. Today, the Turk Vardell Show.

Tomorrow, SportsCenter. For two years. Then, the P .J. Franklin Show.

Oh, man.

It'll be huge.

National. I mean, come on. You're going to become America's sweetheart.

Then you buy an enormous mansion, marry a rock star, develop a drug problem,

become a recluse, disappear for a while. You know, lots of rumors that you're

dead. But then you're not.

And you reemerge with a very brief stint on a cheesy reality show because you've

got to lose the recluse weight. Then you get your comeback.

The new PJ Franklin Show. Same theme song.

And then it's time to write your crappy children's book.

Even unicorns say I'm sorry.

Pete,

I'm in here.

If you can play baseball at a consistent level, you should be able to deal with

any situation the game throws at you.

Okay, I've got good news and even better news.

I will take the better news.

I have to give you the good news first, otherwise it doesn't work. Well, then

why did you give me a choice?

Oh, I like the blazer.

Yeah, is that the good news? No, that was just an aside.

The good news is we're going to Italy in the fall.

Really? Yes!

The better news, if we buy now, we can get two -for -one tickets.

One for us and one for our boyfriends.

Why don't the two of us go, just you and me?

I don't want to go with you.

Italy is for lovers.

So is Virginia.

Steph, we're both single. Not for long. We will be off the market by October for

sure. And if not, I'll sign us up for some lesbian walking tour.

And you can wear that.

Right.

So, what do you say?

Steph, come on. You gotta give me some time to think about it. You know, you

can't just storm into my room and expect me to buy a plane ticket for a

boyfriend I don't have.

But the tickets are so cheap right now. I understand that, but I got a lot of

things on my mind right now. Like this taping. This is a huge gig for me, and I

need to look my best.

Okay, how about this?

Does this say, hi, I'm PJ.

I know it's sports.

Actually, it kind of says, hi, I'm PJ. I'm the number one real estate agent in

Lincoln Park.

Number one, huh?

It's not a compliment.

DJ,

you been practicing your catchphrases for the Turk Vardell show?

I don't have any catchphrases.

Oh, you're going to need some. It's Turk Vardell. Yeah, the show is nothing but

catchphrases. Yeah, you know, like, uh, the wind -up, the pitch.

Boom shakalaka!

Or you're always safe with the movie quote, like, he's at the wall.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Or, uh, Derek Lee, he's on a mission from God.

You had me at hello.

What?

You had me at hello.

It's a movie quote. It's from Jerry Maguire.

You might say that.

No, sit down. I'm falling in love.

I gotta go.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? We just started. Look, these

nights are really hard for me. I live in Hoffman Estates, which is essentially

the Upper Peninsula.

So if you want me to keep playing, we're going to have to do this at a time that

works for me, like 4 .30. Come on, Andy.

No, I'm serious.

This commute's killing me.

So I'm going to keep playing. I've got to find a place to crash in the city.

Hey, man, I'd offer my place, but my roommate Jeff's cousin is in town from

Denmark.

Gern. Hey, buddy, you can totally stay at my place.

Are you sure that's a good idea, Mike?

Absolutely. I've got tons of space.

All right, great.

Really? Yeah, I mean, I got to get permission from the warden first. Hold

Hello, honey.

What's the color of the car?

The gray one.

No, I'm fine to drive.

But I want to come home.

Well, if you really think so.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

She's my wife. I don't want to lie to her.

Seriously, man, I'm really psyched about this. We're going to have a great time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slow down, cowboy. We're not dating.

Well, you know, really, I do appreciate you letting me crash. Hey, no problem.

Come on in.

How are you doing tonight, Frank?

You don't have any furniture.

I know. You like it, huh? It's a cool pet.

There's no place to sleep. Where am I supposed to sleep? Anywhere you want.

What, in that chair?

It's totally comfy.

Lock this.

Huh?

What am I, a heroin addict? How am I supposed to sleep in the chair?

I'm going to get you a blanket. Come on.

We're not caving that around here.

Actually, I don't have a blanket.

Hey, would you be happy with a windbreaker?

If you want to be consistent, you've got to have a clear game plan.

That's another key step on the road to success.

Okay, you look great.

Just remember one thing. During commercial breaks, lick your lips. It

looking shiny.

Okay, I'll try.

Lots of things to remember, Steph.

Oh, and I need to remember one more thing. No, I'm full.

No, no, it's not about this. It's just that we lose the two -for -one ticket

deal at midnight.

Oh, yes, for you, me, and the boyfriends we don't have.

Ooh.

Speak for yourself.

That guy doesn't know it yet, but he just won himself a free trip to Italy.

man, this just seems so unnecessary.

I'm weird. I'm one of those people who don't like to sleep in a chair.

So if I'm going to crash at your place, I'm going to need a real bed.

Well, don't buy a new one, man. Just bust out a good little special.

Do you know how much bacteria and microorganisms live in used mattresses?

You have a used mattress, don't you?

My God.

Behold, the Grand King.

Whoa.

This is delicious.

This is the Grand King.

So what are you guys doing?

Shopping for maternity clothes.

Yeah.

This is it.

Oh,

I'm never leaving. I'm going to have the baby right here. Kenny, call Dr. Klein.

Maybe the mattress comes in crib size.

We don't need it in a crib size because we are not leaving the hospital with the

baby. The baby is leaving the hospital with Chad and Jeremy.

I know. I mean, ow,

ow, ow, ow. Oh, look, look, look. She'll be here, Chad and Jeremy.

Bye -bye.

After you've practiced and prepared, it's time to put your game plan in

Is this your first time on TV?

You're not going to forget it. I mean, it stays with you forever. It's great.

Yeah, you got a catchphrase?

Gotta have a catchphrase. Yeah, something like this. Something like,

know what? Can I have some syrup for my grand slam breakfast?

Went to White Castle, came back with a wicked slider. Man, I first time for a

little bit of pancake.

Oh, that's terrible. It's great. No, pancake is great, but don't do that one.

No, it's wonderful. Hola, amigos.

The Turk has entered the building.

Ha, ha, ha.

Booyakasha. Ha, ha.

Turk's feeling magic. You guys feeling magic? I'm feeling magic.

All right. Brilliant.

In the meantime, eat, drink, and be merry.

Train's leaving in five minutes. Next stop, TV Land. All aboard.

That is unbelievable.

It's literally like sleeping in a cloud. It made me like myself more.

Hey, honey.

Hey. I was thinking, you know, we should have a party or something. Something

where we could celebrate the coming of the baby. Like with food and cake and

presents.

Something like, I don't know, like a shower?

That's a great idea. We could play games, decorate onesies. I don't know

many times I have to say it.

This is not...

my baby i know no no you don't know because you keep acting like it is can

make this very difficult on me all this endless babbling about showers and baby

beds and cotton diapers i mean i think that you're way more into this baby than

you are into me i'm afraid you're gonna dump me as soon as i'm not pregnant you

know when i'm when i'm thin and hot where are you gonna be huh

Spears are on me, guys.

Hormones, right?

Well, we came for one show and we got another.

Oh, hey, uh, turn it up, would ya?

Now,

here's the man, Turk Bardell.

My guest tonight, from the Chicago Tribune, Pete Holmey.

Charlie Keene.

And from the Chicago... sometimes, Ms. P .J. Franklin!

Here we go.

All right! Yeah!

Listos? Escuchen.

What do the Cubs need to do to get to October?

Bring in the noise, P .J.!

Well, the Cubs are going to need to... Cubs! October!

World Series!

As I am!

Right.

Challenge! Okay, one. Get big numbers from Alfonso Seriato.

Two, they need to keep the pitching staff healthy from Big Z all the way on

down. Then they're going to be all right. Oh, you know what, also? I'm

have the number two with cheese fries. And you know what? Put some World

Championship sauce on top of that. I'll have what he's having, but supersize it.

And with that, you get egg roll.

See, my friend's a guest on the show, and I should totally be watching, but

eyes, they're just mecking me up.

But what about the Sox in 2005?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if this city could handle a Cubs championship. This

city will be on fire. I mean, it'll be total chaos.

Dogs and cats living together.

Math hysteria. Yeah, and who are you going to call, huh?

Ghostbusters?

Warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. Set a course for the next question.

P .J. Franklin, thoughts, new coach.

Boom shakalaka!

Lou Piniella, man, I mean, he's a force, you know? He's a legend.

He puts the lotion in the frickin' basket, you know? I mean, he's like, go

ahead, St. Louis Cardinals, make my day.

Oh, my God.

What is she doing?

This is not good. So not good. Oh.

Is it over?

You were great.

Seriously. Really? From what I saw. And, you know, I don't know a thing about

sports. That's how good you were.

Oh, Turk.

My man.

That was really, really fun. I had such a good time.

Ditto. Yeah, I just want to say thank you for inviting me, you know? I mean, I

hope I was okay.

Well, you put the lotion in the friggin' basket.

Really? Yeah.

But I gotta go.

Reservations, Charlie Trotters, 815.

Okay, so I guess I'll just talk to you soon about the next show.

Hey, you're in my Blackberry.

That's good, right?

Are you kidding? You're in his Blackberry.

Let's celebrate.

Okay. Can we go get some drinks at Crowley's? I think the guys are there.

yeah, yeah. But can we just swing by my place first and pick up a sweater and

four tickets to Italy?

You know what?

Okay. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Let's get those tickets, you know? I mean, we should celebrate,

right? I mean, who knows?

This could be the beginning of a new career.

Do you think she was so bad?

She might actually lose her real job.

Man, considering the fact that she beat me out for the gig, I really should have

enjoyed that more.

It's weird.

I don't think I've ever seen PJ be really, really bad at anything.

Well, you weren't at her first piano recital. She threw up all over Grandma

Noonie, who was in third row.

Wow.

Well, that's over.

So you guys made up? Nope. She broke up with me.

She doesn't want to see me anymore.

Well, Kenny, I know it sucks, but you've got to look at this as an opportunity.

An opportunity to find somebody who's not pregnant.

I would have used softer language, but yeah, what he said. We still have two

birthing classes left.

It's going to be awkward. I'm pretty sure you're off the hook on that one,

buddy. You think?

I guess so.

Hey, how was PJ?

Uh,

she kinda... Sucked?

Again, I'd use softer language, but, uh, I'm good with sucked. Or you could just

say that she, uh, you know, she swung and she missed.

Hey, that is a nice ring to it.

Why don't we just tell her that?

Wait, we're telling her?

Trust me, if she finds out she sucked from somebody else, she'll yell at us

not saying it.

Screw that.

I say we just flat out lie.

You were smart, funny, yada yada, then boom, we move on to the next topic. Are

you with me? Hell yeah.

Oh, crap, here she comes. All those in favor of lying to my sister, say aye.

Aye. Nay.

I'm saying nay.

All right, the ayes have it.

Nay. Oh, there she is. Nay. Come on, give me some.

Who was on TV?

You. Yeah, it's like, you know, we were here and you were right up there.

Motion.

Basket. Did you guys like that? I don't know where that came from.

You know what I said.

Sports center.

No, no. It's not my focus right now, but... I mean, I don't know. In a few

years, maybe.

I'd watch. Yeah?

You guys really thought I was great?

Kimmy broke up with Kenny.

Yeah. What?

Yeah.

You know the hardest part?

That baby's never gonna get to know me.

Yeah. He'll never know the guy who wasn't his father.

Dated the woman who wasn't his mother. Yeah.

Drinks? Yes.

Hey, Brando, after this, can we go back and watch the show? You recorded it,

right?

Oh, my God.

Peach, you are going to kill me. Don't say it.

I'm so sorry. I just, I completely forgot.

Brando. No, no, no. It's okay, Peach, because you can get a DVD from the Turk

when you go back on Tuesday. Oh, that's right.

All right? Oh, dude, I am way ahead of you.

Hey, look, check it out.

Four tickets to Italy.

Nice.

Hey, now, listen, if you don't find a boyfriend to take, which I'm sure you

because you're very attractive and very charming. Shotgun.

You can't do that. I called it. You were slow.

You weren't touching the tickets.

Shotgun.

When is that the rule?

So what are the odds of you and Stephanie actually finding boyfriends by

October? PJ, I'd say she's even money. $1 .20 or pick them. Stephanie, house

won't take that action.

Welcome back, buddy.

You feeling better?

Yeah, you know. I dodged a bullet on that one.

Plus, think of all the money I'll save in, like, diapers, nannies, preschool.

Spend it on therapy.

All right, guys, here's my problem.

The next taping is tomorrow, and the Turk hasn't called me yet.

What should I do?

Well, according to Maxim Magazine, I mean The Economist, always play hard to

get. Let the employer come to you.

Oh, is that what you keep telling yourself?

Right, but I mean, it's weird, isn't it? I mean, people usually call to confirm.

Um, he called me.

I talked to him this afternoon, and I'm doing the show tomorrow.

The Turk ditched me?

I don't know. I don't think... Oh, my God, no, he totally ditched me.

Why is he ditching me? Maybe he just forgot to call. The Turk's a busy man.

Yeah, he eats at Charlie Trotter's every night.

No.

No, I bet I know why.

I bet the Turk doesn't like women.

I'm not sure that's the deal, Paige. No, I felt it at the taping.

Oh, my God, come to think of it, he's actually never had a woman on the show.

Paige, that's not what happened. No, no, no, no, no. It's clear to me. He's a

sexist. You cannot do that show.

Wait, what? If you do that show, you're going to condone that cheeseball's

behavior. Oh, but... Look, Paige, I'm pretty sure that's not why he didn't

call you back. I think it's because maybe, you know, TV is just not your

What do you mean?

Look,

you kind of swung and missed on this one.

What does that mean?

Well, you know when a baseball player is at the plate and the... No, I know what

that means. I mean, what are you saying? You weren't that great.

What? No, no, no, no, no. The Turk said I was great. He said I put the lotion in

the basket. I'm glad you brought that up.

Nobody knows what that means.

Yeah, and then you tried to do Clint Eastwood, but that's not really your

Wait, so you guys were just trying to be nice?

Yeah. You guys were never nice. No, never.

Pete,

it was kind of like your piano recital.

Oh. Yeah.

I didn't throw up.

Yeah, that might have saved it.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. I had no idea. I mean, look, the whole thing happened so fast. You

know, they just started asking questions and the show had started.

It's okay.

Everybody has off days.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. I feel like staying in bed for a week.

As do I.

Thanks to the Grand King.

PJ, listen. I mean, how many people actually saw the show?

It's on local cable, right? I mean, the audience consists totally of, you know,

fantasy league nerds and frat guys and khaki shorts.

All right.

All right, then maybe I got away with it, huh?

Yeah.

I guess I'm feeling lucky.

Huh, punk?

Huh? Not my forte.

Not my forte.

Did you know about the YouTube thing? I think it's like the third most viewed.

Yep, it is. Right behind the clip of the Japanese midget singing the milkshake

song. Hey, which sounds a lot like her Clint Eastwood.

All right, so I had an off day.

Whatever.

The good news is I will get another chance. And when I do, I'll be ready.

Ready for whatever life throws at me.

My guest tonight from the Chicago Tribune, Pete Holmey.

Charlie Keen!