Original subtitles

Superstars, like famous athletes, celebrities, really beautiful people,

a different world than we do.

...signing a veteran superstar, Hernando Garcia.

They get to do things that most of us can only dream about. It's like they've

been touched by God.

I'm sure you all understand Mr. Garcia's had a long flight in from San Diego.

He'll take your questions tomorrow.

This is a total circus.

It doesn't make sense. The dude hasn't had a decent season in two years.

Yeah, but he's still a superstar.

I mean, the change of scenery might do him good. He was really struggling in

Diego. Yeah, better food in Chicago, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. You tried

new hot dog joint on Kedzie? The wiener and still champion? You know it. Oh,

okay. How about I'm flying? You're behind. Done and done, son.

Hey.

Speaking of superstars.

Wow, Jack Briscoe's here.

Oh, my God, he never works these press conferences anymore. It's a huge story.

Everybody's covering it. Yeah, no fooling. I was going to take the day

Yeah. Somebody's dying to ride the new roller coaster over at Six Flags.

Superman, ultimate flight.

It's going to kick ass.

And I'm not going to cry.

Hey, man. Hey.

Wow.

You as thrilled to be here as I am?

Well, well, we never see you mingling with us common folk.

Want my autograph?

I was supposed to get an exclusive interview with Senior Garcia, but

he no like go to presso.

Wow, even you, the great Jack Briscoe.

Even the great Jack Briscoe. Huh, you call yourself the great Jack Briscoe.

do you think it started?

God, what is it like to be him?

Oh, it's nice work if you can get it.

You know, I heard that Hernando is really superstitious. Oh, God, yeah.

still brush his teeth between innings? No, but he has a chicken foot and he

it on his right leg.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm going to have a line in Google. Oh, ditto.

I'll have a glass of Shiraz, please.

Uh, we have Bud, Old Style, PBR.

No, no, it's a wine. You should have it behind the bar.

Could you check?

Sure.

Meredith and I are taking a wine tasting class, all right? Her therapist

suggested we do more stuff together, so I signed up for the thing.

Shiraz? big in australia it's got a subtle chocolate nuance it's fantastic

a pork cup hello a nurse what is

up foxy lady foxy really what i think i just never heard you use the term foxy

lady before you've never heard me on my cb radio maybe she's lost hey danny oh

hi baby whoa what damn what she she knows him He's

with her.

Did he win a contest or something? Maybe she's hammered. What did he do to his

hair? Why are you looking at him?

Hey, those are my friends right there. Hey, everybody, this is Danny.

Danny, this is everybody. Hi, everybody.

This is Brendan, and that's Kenny, and that's Andy, and that's PJ.

Hi, TJ.

Oh, PJ.

Oh, PJ.

Oh, I've heard so much about you. It's nice to meet you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you're like the den mother, right?

Yeah, well...

Wait, what?

Yeah, we don't have whatever that wine is, but we do have a house red. Oh,

where's it from?

The bar.

Here you go.

Danny and I met the other night at the Belmont Club.

You guys will totally love it. It is so much fun. I saw David Schwimmer there

last week.

You did?

I did.

He was on Friends.

Belmont Club. God, I'd never even get past that guy at the front door.

Who, Lonnie? Oh, he's a big teddy bear.

I bet he is.

I bet he's a big old teddy bear.

I've got him wrapped around my little finger.

She does. She totally does.

I mean, I could get you guys in. Yeah, even if you were dressed like that.

We'd dress up.

Just let me know if you guys want to go, okay?

Can I get you guys anything else?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

I think we're good. Anyway, so we started talking, and I let him buy me a

And now we're off for dinner.

We are going to Fontana.

First I thought he said Montana.

I was like, that's a long way to go just for dinner.

You have to pack a lunch for dinner.

I better go freshen up. It was nice meeting all of you.

Who are you guys?

Wow.

She is totally awesome.

Yeah. Cherry, cherry, cherry.

Jackpot. Like, how do you... She's... I mean... I'm sorry. Did I miss when you

guys all got lobotomies?

You know what?

To be honest, I don't think she's that hot. Are you blind?

I'm trying to make her feel better. She is smoking.

You're out of your league.

Yeah, but in her defense, she's very young. She's only 23.

Oh. Winner, winner, chicken. Well done.

Just like

with Danny, the light of a superstar can be so bright it's actually blinding.

I'm going on the record. I think Danny's great.

Please. Come on, she's cool, she's funny, she's... Don't you dare say

Smurfy. That's the only word you can think of that begins with smurf. You

going to say smart.

about a woman who thought she was having dinner in another state.

You know what, guys?

I feel like I've seen her before.

Okay, does this help jog your memory?

Oh, Mr.

Table Man.

Yes? I want all of your channels.

Wow. Dinner and a movie. I've seen this one.

No, I'm serious.

I know her. I know Danny. I don't know how, though. PJ, you don't like her

because she's so hot.

That is so not true. I just get a bad vibe from her. Well, she is still a fox.

Speaking of foxes. Okay, wait, hang on. I'm sorry, you guys. Is Fox back?

Okay, I need some advice.

Oh, who is it this time?

Greg from Business Affairs.

Greg from Business Affairs?

Sounds dreamy. Anyway, he is very cute and a huge Bears fan. Apparently his

basement is loaded with Bears.

Stop. So what can I get him to impress him? Get him a bobblehead.

A bobblehead? What is he, five?

Oh, that's a good call.

Is it normal for a grown man to collect bobbleheads? I got Jeter, Bonds, Count

Chocula. I got all the Rolling Stones, Ozzy Osbourne. I got Maddox, Sandberg.

Oh my God, people grow up.

Trust me, there are plenty of people who do not deserve superstar treatment, but

for some reason...

We still treat them like God.

Hernando, do you think you'll see more pitches with a lefty hidden behind you

the lineup? You've got to be psyched about that.

Jack Briscoe, Chicago Sun -Times. Have you had a chance to go apartment

There's some good stuff out there.

Yo, Hernando, I'm talking to you.

Hello to this guy.

He's a legend in his own mind.

I'm telling you, Cubs fans are not going to put up with this prima donna crap,

you know?

Especially if he keeps batting a buck Miami like he did with San Diego.

Come on, Hernando, quit being a tough guy.

Gotta give me something to work with, amigo.

Unless you want me to write a column about your god -awful taste in music.

You calling me old, you son of a bitch?

There's your story.

It's official. New Cub is a total dick.

Hey, it's not your job to editorialize, kiddo. It's your job to make Garcia look

good. The Cubs are very excited about the acquisition of Hernando Garcia.

The veteran superstar is expected to play a key role in their push toward the

playoffs. There you go. I just wrote the first two sentences of your little beat

column. Good luck with the rest.

And that's another thing about superstars. They get to act any way they

and we just have to sit there and take it.

And why is it that superstars feel like they're invited to absolutely

everything?

Check out the duds. Danny picked them out for me. I look like a rock star,

right? Wow!

She really captures your spirit.

Hi, DJ.

It's PJ.

Oh, my God. I've been telling everyone that your name is DJ.

It's PJ.

Everyone's been like, DJ?

That's the cutest name for a girl. But PJ is good, too.

Stand back, people.

The Cote d 'Aron took 23 different grapes to make this exceptional wine.

Here's the thing about wine tasting, class. I feel like it makes the wine

drinker think that we care.

Some of us are interested in culture, and some of us wear T -shirts from 8th

grade.

Touche. Hey, baby, do you want to play? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm just going to

wander around.

I've been to Vegas like a billion times.

I'm not really a gambler.

I usually just hang out by the bar.

That's the best place to meet people.

I bet it is.

That's on you, dude. Oh, the bar at the Wynn?

That's the best place on the planet.

Steve has done such an amazing job.

Are we playing cards?

Yeah, we got the cards, we got the table.

Who needs, who needs? You know, I could use a larger glass.

Code Doron is suffocating in this thing.

I could use a beer, please. Thank you.

What? What is your deal? You don't bring guests to poker night without asking,

okay? My apartment is not, you know, the bar at the Wynn.

That's not the point. The point is you're being mean to Danny. I don't

her, okay? Believe me, I know this kind of woman. Okay, I know she bugs you, all

right? But you have to learn to chill out just a little bit, for Mike's sake.

All right, for Mike's sake.

But if she mangles my name one more time, I'm going to kill her.

Fair enough, CJ.

I'm going to kill you.

Ah, Kenny's attempt at humor.

Hey, you guys.

Mike and I are going to a bear game on Sunday.

I've got four tickets. Plus, I have these passes to the VIP club inside the

stadium. You guys want to go?

Are you kidding? Absolutely.

How'd you get the tickets?

My friend Brian works for the team. In the front office?

He's on the team. Oh, Brian.

Brian Urlacher?

So, it's all settled?

Sunday, we have a date? Yeah, a date.

Can you get any more tickets?

No, I'm sorry. Do you know someone else who'd like to go?

What about Peach?

Who's Peach?

Oh, Steph, they're driving me crazy. They act like...

morons in front of this girl. Hot women have that effect on men. It's been that

way since the beginning of time. Yeah, it's like they've all joined the cult of

Danny. Being a perfect 10 must be a full -time job, don't you think? Right?

I mean, facials, workouts, the loofah.

No wonder they're so thin. They don't have time to eat. No, and they make me

feel like Madeline Albright.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You've got to be kidding me.

What's wrong? Cub fans will not tolerate a prima donna in the lineup, especially

if he continues to bat a buck 90 like he did in San Diego. Oh, my God, that son

of a bitch. Who? What? What's wrong?

Jack Briscoe. He stole my article and after he told me not to write it.

This was my idea.

Can you do that? I guess the great Jack Briscoe can do whatever he wants.

Ultimately, superstars don't have to play by the same rules as we do. They

get away with murder.

Seriously.

I mean, some of them have, haven't they?

What are you going to do about Jack Briscoe? I'm going to kill him. Jack

Briscoe, Danny, I think it's officially a spree.

No, you need three for a spree.

He totally ripped me off.

Yeah, but look, here's the thing about your article. Your instincts were dead

on. You know, you kind of did. Up on the front page of the sports section.

That's huge.

Well, I guess.

Wait. Wait.

I got it. Oh, I got it. I hate it when he does that. No, no, no. I got it. I

know who Danny is.

First of all, her name's not Danny. It's Linda Miller.

Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She went to high school with me back in Minneapolis.

She was a sophomore when I was a senior.

She wouldn't really recognize me because she didn't really hang out with the

guys who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I was a fifth -level fighter.

Seventh -level druid.

Hey. See, Danny was even kind of a local celebrity back then because she was so

hot. She even went out with Prince a couple times.

He's coming next month. We gotta go. I know a guy.

Here's the best part, though, okay? She was briefly engaged to one of the dudes

on the Vikings.

Oh, no.

But she dumped him for one of the dudes on the Bulls. I think it was Luke

Longley. Oh, no. Oh, no, you guys, this is bad.

Do you realize what this means? It means Mike is an in -betweener. She's going

to dump him as soon as she meets a bull, a cub, or a chili pepper.

Maybe she really likes him. No, she's one of those girls who only dates famous

people. She is going to break his heart. We've got to tell him something.

Slow down, okay? I mean, you've got to let Mike have his fun. She is the

chick he's ever going to date.

Plus, he won't listen.

She is the hottest chick he's ever going to date. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Mike is

totally lost in Danny Land right now.

She's the hottest chick he's ever going to date. Right, but so what are we going

to do? We're just going to stand by while she just throws him under the bus?

Oh, it's Snail on the Annie Day.

Hey, what's going down? Hey, guys.

Hi, PJ.

Hi. I didn't forget.

Wow.

Hey, PJ, Mike just told me that you cover the Cubs. I do.

Well, I can totally get you interviews with anyone you want. I know all the

cubbies. I mean, I had dinner with Hernando Garcia last night. You did?

I can call him for you.

That would be great.

Well, it's no problem. Just let me know. Oh, my God, that's so nice of you.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

Dude, what is on your ass?

I know, man. She has great taste, right?

Ching, ching, ching.

Fantastic bottle of Pinot Noir.

Oh, yeah, Sunday morning, football, Pinot Noir.

Who knew?

Dorito? I brought my own Gouda. Okay, I have a question.

Why are they kicking it now?

Because the guys in the white pants had three chances to move the ball and they

suck. That's bad?

That's bad. Come on, lovey! Would it kill you to throw the ball on first

You see, the coach can actually hear him through the TV. Do they all get like

this? You're killing me! Okay, I'm having second thoughts about Greg from

Business Affairs.

God, I wonder where Danny's seats are. I wonder what or who she did to get them.

Hey, stop knocking her. She's getting you that interview with Hernando Garcia.

Oh, God, don't remind me. I feel so icky.

All right, does it make me, like, a total hypocrite taking something from

woman? Uh, yes, it does.

What? What?

What? What?

Oh, come on. Give me a butt. You should take it. It's too good of an

opportunity. You know, I'm going to go through with it just to see if she

actually knows him.

Oh, that's your excuse?

That is what I am going with you.

Right.

This is awesome.

Thank you so much, Danny. My pleasure. Hey, make yourselves at home. It's an

open bar.

The two greatest words in the English language.

I'm going to stay out of some friends. I'll be right back.

Okay.

See you. Yeah.

Dudes, that is my future wife. That's Mrs. Michael Callahan, man. I am

officially off the market.

Well, I mean, she's hot, yeah, but how old do you really know her? 20 bucks,

we'll be engaged by Christmas.

Dude, we should take that bet.

What? Congratulations.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, you want a beer?

Sure. I'll be right back.

Okay.

This is bad. Yeah, this has got to end now. Somebody's got to tell him.

I'm not going to do it.

You guys are much closer, okay? You do it. You do it.

I think she's doing our job for us right now.

What? That's the new guy from the Bulls. Yeah.

Man, she works fast.

You got to do it, man. I'm not doing it. You got to do it. Like a band -aid,

just do it. No, you're doing it.

Damn. Hey, Roche and Bo, I want to play.

The waitress will be right here with our drinks. But remember, this isn't

Crowley's, okay? This place is big time.

So you better step up.

Crack out a buck.

Okay, Mike, I'm going to do something now, and I want you to keep in mind I'm

doing this out of love, the deepest regard for you, for our relationship as

friends, and as men.

Are you about to whack me?

Would you dudes excuse me for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're a good friend, Kenny.

Had to be done.

What's up, man?

Hey,

what's up with the big guy?

Mike, we need to talk.

Wow, that's tough.

Yeah. So tough.

It's totally tough.

Thanks.

We don't have to leave the stadium club, do we? Well, I'm not going anywhere

until I get my beer. Me too.

Hey, Jack.

Not now, kiddo. I am late for a buffet.

You took my story on Hernando Garcia after you told me not to write it. Oh,

yeah, you wish.

Cub fans will not tolerate a prima donna in the lineup. New Cub is a total dick.

Those were my words. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

See, you can't write that column. They would have you covering tea parties up

Kenilworth if you penned a column like that.

You're a beat writer, kiddo. You do facts and stats.

That doesn't mean you can't write that kind of stuff. Hey, PJ.

Yes? This must be your lucky day.

Fernando would like an interview with you.

You're friends with a young lady named Danny?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

He'll meet you at his locker bay.

Okay, I'll just be there in a second.

You've got to be kidding me. I'm sorry, you were saying?

You think you're pretty slick, don't you?

Kind of.

I'll see you later, kiddo.

Hola.

I'm PJ Franklin, Chicago Sun -Times.

No habla espanol.

The interpreter?

I don't need one.

Do you?

Please,

go on, sit down.

This is quite a place you got here, huh?

A little fixer -upper. A couple of curds and some pain, you know.

Wow, that's... That's a great shirt you got there. Oh, really? I got one in

blue. It's a two -for -one sale. No, the color looks great on you. You're trying

to flatter me.

Any friend of Danny's is a friend of mine.

So, you're busy. We'll just get into the interview.

Ward section, front page.

Man,

that is cool.

And you know what?

Hernando's actually a great guy.

Oh, my God.

He was really nice. Are you kidding?

After all the flack you gave us about hanging out with Danny when he bats his

eyes at you, now you're a fan of Fernando Garcia?

All right, listen, guys. If I don't fill my broken heart with alcohol very soon,

I'm going to start crying.

Please. No, you know what? I'm really sorry. Danny was very pretty.

No, I mean, she was perfect.

Hey, look, I know Danny made you feel like a rock star, but you are a rock

okay? You got to find yourself a girl who's, you know, real.

Find a nice girl from Naperville.

But how am I supposed to do that?

How about nicegirlfromnaperville .com?

Seriously, we're going to dot -com jokes now? That's all I had, I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, who needs? I need, please. I need you. Hey, Andy, a lovely Riesling

or perhaps a full -bodied Merlot?

You know, I've come to the conclusion after weeks and weeks of extensive

research that wine is dumb.

Get me a beer. I need beer. Nicely put. Okay, so Hernando's a dick.

But he wasn't a dick to me.

And I guess that's the thing about superstars. It's completely unfair.

But we put up with it because when we're in their presence, we get to feel like

one too.