Original subtitles

Stephanie's taken to calling my boyfriend Hank Mr. Perfect, but not

reason. You see, in baseball, there's a rare breed of player known for having

the five tools. They do all the big things well. They hit for average in

are fast, have strong arms, and are great in the field.

Hank is what you'd call a five -tool boyfriend.

He's successful, intelligent, charming, handsome.

And he's great in bed, too, right?

I knew it.

The man's perfect.

Oh, trust me, Steph. He's not perfect, okay? He drives so slow. He puts black

pepper on everything. And, you know, he moonwalks. I'm sorry, what?

Hank moonwalks. Like Michael Jackson?

Oh, I wish.

More like Andrew Jackson or Kate Jackson or any other Jackson that cannot

moonwalk. That's so cute.

I know.

Oh, perfect.

No, you hang up first.

Okay, ready? One, two, three.

I knew you weren't going to do that. Oh, my God, would you hang up the phone,

please?

Okay, I'm going to go.

Sorry,

it was Hank.

I thought we said no more phone calls while we're playing.

Dude, I thought that was for Andy.

Hey, Meredith's got me ignoring FAA regulations.

Like, I'm going to turn it off here.

So when are we actually going to get to hang out with Hank?

Wait, you guys haven't hung out together?

No, he takes you to fancy places. That's all we know. Yeah, and we're not

allowed in Fancy Town.

I was there once.

It's fun.

Well, we should totally hang out. He's so great. You guys are going to love

Hey, what if we don't like him?

You will.

Yeah, but what if we don't? It'd be like you and Wendy.

I like Wendy. Just because we don't hang out doesn't mean I don't like her.

But you don't like her. You don't.

I like Wendy.

She doesn't.

I like Wendy, okay?

What? You know what? I would hang out more with her. It's just that we're, you

know... Busy. Busy. Right, right.

Right, well, I will remember that you said that.

Great. Well, looks like the game's over. We're out of beer. No, don't worry

about it. Trouty's bringing some. Oh, dude, Trouty's the worst.

Oh, wait a minute.

Trouty, is he the hugger guy?

Yeah. You know I'm not comfortable with that. I thought he moved to Cleveland.

No, they sent him back.

Adding a disruptive personality to any group can cause all kinds of problems.

In baseball, that person's called a clubhouse cancer.

With us, he's Trouty.

I'm confused. Who's Trouty?

Trouty's a guy I grew up with. His father supplies the popcorn pretty much

all the major stadiums and fairgrounds in the Midwest.

What, is he some kind of a dick or something?

No, no, he's too harmless to be a dick. He's just kind of a bad hang is all. You

know, it's like a struggle to talk to him. Things he says just makes you cry.

All right, hey, all right, lay off.

He's a good guy.

You're just saying that because he gets you stuff.

No, he doesn't. Dude, he got you the shoes you're wearing. He knew my size.

Oh, my God, that's so creepy, dude.

I'm pretty sure that nobody else here knows anybody else's shoe size. Dude, I

don't even know my own shoe size. Ten and a half. I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

Hey, Andy, are you going to play or what?

No, seriously, I have to go. I'm taking Savannah to the American Girl Cafe for

the daddy -daughter dolly breakfast thing tomorrow morning. Oh, my God. Is

your doll or her? It's that doll, Pais.

All right, well, I'm taking your property.

Oh, snap.

Stop being so pouty, because here comes the trouty. What's up, L .A. Law? How

are you? Bring me the sugar. Come on.

Sorry I've been gone, guys.

I was up in K -Zoo, got myself into a beef, had to stay an extra night.

My bad.

Ten dogs.

What's up?

Booyah! Oh, snap. Before I forget, I got you that iPod charger that you want.

Oh, thanks, man.

Diamond Mike, got your message?

Snap, man. Really, I'm sorry. I couldn't hit you back.

B, looking big. Let me check that. Oh, yeah, Jim. Yeah,

you are. Look at that. PJ, looking lovely as ever.

Oh, hey.

Gotcha.

What's up, new guy?

Oh, Bobby, Trouty.

Man, nice to meet you. Come on, let's love. Yeah, yeah.

All right, let me just put those brews in the fridge.

Oh, dude.

Got it. Hey.

The handshake was so, like, clammy.

Oh, let's see the fish, right? That's why they call him Trouty. All right, you

know what? He's a good friend of mine. You know what? He's kind of fun.

Hey, nice people, check it. I've been doing that Krav Maga.

Ken Dog, punch me in the stomach as hard as you possibly can. I swear to God.

Could I hit you, please?

Go. Hey, let me grab my bat. Go.

I just can't believe that Hank and the guys have never hung out before. Are you

afraid of that?

No, not at all.

Uh -huh. What? Seriously?

It's not that easy anyhow. I mean, everybody's very busy.

Isn't that your Wendy excuse?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Ambush Hank and the guys and force them to hang out?

See? Now there's an idea.

I'm thinking about getting hair extensions.

Well, that was kind of what we were just talking about. I think that guys like

long hair.

Okay, so we're not going back at all? No.

Okay. Well, I like the short hair.

It's so Stephanie.

And Stephanie's been single for too long.

Well, don't get anything weird, Pierce.

Hello? Hey, PJ, it's Wendy. Oh, hey, Bren's not home. I'll tell him you

though. Oh, no, wait, PJ. I'm calling for you.

Brendan told me you really want to get together sometime.

Oh, he did, did he?

Yeah, so what do you say we get together next weekend?

My treat.

Yes.

I'll see you next weekend.

Ciao.

Who was that?

That was Wendy. She wants to hang out, just the two of us. Like, one -on -one.

Oh, God.

There's no rule that says you have to hang out with your frank, significant

others. And I certainly wasn't looking forward to hanging out with Wendy. So,

what did Wendy do to make you dislike her so much?

Well, I don't dislike her. I like her.

Okay, so you do like her. Well, kind of.

Okay, it's just that there are a couple of annoying things about her.

She always says goodbye and thank you in some foreign language. And she carries

this giant handbag with the entire contents of the known universe inside of

Oh, and she does not laugh like a normal human being because when she finds

something funny, she just left out this one single emphatic ha.

Ha. Oh, no.

It's more like this.

Ha!

Sorry. Well, I hope your friends aren't as hard on me as you are on Wendy. Hey,

you know, honestly, they don't know you very well. I mean, you guys haven't

really gotten a chance to hang out, you know? Well, I mean, that's just because

we're all so busy.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Why is it that Hank and the guys never hang out? Am I hiding

Hank from them?

Hey, you know what we never do?

We never stay over at my place.

Well, it's because you have a roommate.

Oh, Scott.

And he's actually staying at his fiance's.

Good morning.

Good morning.

No, wait, wait. Be my blanket.

Blanket or coffee?

Coffee, duh.

I will be right back.

God, it kills me. Why do you do that with your face?

What?

It would make sense if I had the hat and glove.

What's up, dude?

Hey, bro.

Hey.

Your friends are on the couch.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, my God, the Bears game. I totally forgot.

The Bears game.

We all sort of watch every Bears game over at my place. Uh -huh. I don't know

what I was thinking.

Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me to get a chance to hang with your

friends?

Because this was cuter?

Hey, you guys.

We're going to go just get changed, and Hank's going to hang out with you guys

for a little bit, okay?

Okay. I'll be back in a little bit.

Oh, they're the Vikings, huh?

Dante Culpepper is a good QB.

Actually, Culpepper's on Miami now.

Really? Yeah, all the Finns had to give up was a second rounder. Yeah, and the

Dolphins totally got the better end of that deal, right, Hank?

Totally.

I don't know, man. I think the Vikings made out there. You know, Culpepper's

coming off major knee surgery.

Well, I mean, there is that.

You're on crack.

Culpepper's a MVP quality quarterback. You just don't give that up, right,

Absolutely. I mean, what's your backup playing going to be? Brad Johnson?

Okay,

so I took your advice.

What advice?

The ambush.

I set it up so Hank and the guys have to hang out together.

So how's it going?

I don't know. They're in the living room by themselves.

You got your man and your boys chilling all together?

What's wrong with you? I'm trying on wigs to see how I would look with long

hair, and I don't know. They just, they overtake me.

Okay, wait. I gotta go. I gotta go get changed.

All right, then.

Holla.

Oh, God.

No matter what, it's a great move for Culpepper. I got two words for you.

Beach. Hank, back me up.

South Beach.

Really? What's up, Frizzella?

Cafe Americano, two splendors? Oh, man.

Damn, a new new guy?

Hey, I'm Hank. This is Trouty. What's up, Easy Street? How you feeling?

What is that? That's nice.

All right, player.

What's going on with the Lions game?

We don't get the Lions game.

It's a satellite, isn't it? Yeah. Then you get the Lions game.

All you need is a screwdriver.

We're watching the bears, man. Calm down, B. We'll switch in between.

It'll be tight. Trouty, are you even sure you know what you're doing back

Yeah.

All you gotta do is strip down to the wires, and the rest is cream cheese.

Oh, dude!

Dude, you just killed the TV.

One sec.

How about now? Is it on? No.

Now? No.

How about now?

No!

Snap. So what do we do now? We missed a game. No, no, let's just go down to

Crowley's and watch the game there. We'll deal with this later.

I'd mess up some Crowley's right now. Get out of here.

No, yo, Hank, we're just going to head down to the corner bar and watch the

game. You with us there?

Yeah, uh, we'll try and swing by.

God bless.

You'd think a five -tool player would hit it out of the park every time.

All right, what I meant, what I meant.

They don't.

Bears lost by 10.

I mean, so you guys hanging out with Hank.

The other night, you asked me why he's never around, and then you ditch him at

the first opportunity. We don't have it in ourselves to ditch Trouty, all right?

Why would we ditch Hank?

I don't know. It doesn't seem like you tried very hard.

Well, Hank's all right.

You know, not much of a football fan, but, you know, he's a good guy.

Yeah, he is.

All right, fine. If it makes you feel better, I will get the guys together for

night out with Hank, okay?

Really? Yeah, sure.

Least I can do. After all, you're making the effort to get to know Wendy, right?

And I'm excited!

Sometimes all it takes to neutralize a clubhouse cancer is finding even one

person who can handle their personality.

Hola, Chica! I don't think I'm that good. Hey, Wendy!

Oh. Oh!

I'm so glad that we're doing this.

Yeah, me too.

So, where are we off to?

Oh, uh, well... I...

Suggested cafe around the corner, but I've already eaten. Oh, me too.

Um... I don't suppose you want to watch the game, huh?

Well... Oh, I don't suppose you'd want to hit any of the stores on Michigan

Avenue.

Well... You know, too bad it's too early in the day to get a drink.

Oh, you can just leave the bottle.

So, Hank, you're a lawyer, right?

Really? I thought you worked for the city.

Oh, well, I'm a lawyer whose clients do a lot of work with the city.

Working for the city, though, there's got to be some great stories there,

Well, Chicago, you wouldn't believe it.

Like what?

Oh, no, that's confidential.

I get it.

No, seriously, it's confidential lawyer -client privilege. I could lose my job.

Should we get another pitcher? Yeah.

Hey, I don't drink beer, so I'm going to get a vodka martini. But one pitcher,

right? I'll be right back.

We are going to need to do shots. A lot of shots.

Hey, hey!

Really? All right, boys, the circle's complete. Anything can happen.

Hey, Tattoo, how are you feeling today?

Night is young, B. Night is young. Yes, it is. It is.

Well.

It's good we're able to do this now, for everything gets all hectic because of

the wedding. So who's getting married?

Brendan and I.

That's right.

That's right.

My short -term memory sometimes is like, I guess I better cut back on my

drinking, you know.

After today.

That's a nice watch you got there.

Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got it for Christmas.

Oh.

This past year?

A year before, actually. Very cool. Yeah. Very cool.

It's pretty cool.

Pretty cool.

Hey, you guys up for a game?

You know what, PJ? I'm just going to come out and say it. I am secretly a

jealous of you. Oh, my God.

Why? Well, I guess in the back of my mind, I always thought that there was

something between you and Brendan.

Oh. Well, you know, we're just friends.

I know. No, but, like, seriously, yeah?

I know. Okay.

And that's part of the reason I wanted us to get together.

Anyone who is so important to Brendan is important to me.

Well, I want to get to know anyone who's so important to him, too.

So, it's... Sounds like you're saying you work with the mob.

You didn't hear it from me, but I could get into a lot of trouble for it, I just

told you. You know, lawyer -client privilege.

This is the guy.

Really? What's up, quick love? You seen Kenny around?

No, I'm sorry, I haven't. So, uh, anyway, this guy... If you do, will you

him Trouty got him a beer?

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, pardon. I haven't introduced myself.

My name's Trouty. Oh, Trouty! Snap, my bad. Let me make it up to you. Do you

like shiatsu? Don't worry about it.

He... She'll be back.

What'd I miss?

Oh, let me get you a fresh beer.

Thanks. What happened here?

Trouty happened, dude.

Seriously, I thought you guys were exaggerating, but he is horrible, man.

breathtakingly horrible.

You know what, Kenny?

It's all starting to make sense.

What's starting to make sense? Why you hang out with Trouty. You're using him.

I'm not using him. He's an old friend of mine, and I wouldn't use him, okay?

Really? The iPod thingy, the coffee, the beers. He bought you a pair of shoes.

He knows my size.

No! Trouty's always bringing you stuff, man. Trouty?

Trouty is your bitch.

Trouty's not my bitch.

He is kind of your bitch.

He is kind of your bitch, because I'll bet if he stopped hooking you up all the

time that you wouldn't put up with his bullshit.

Come on, guys. He's not that bad.

He is a bad hang, but you know what? He's your bad hang. He's not mine. Cool.

Thanks, man.

Guys, check it. I just hit up my contact.

Stones tickets tomorrow night, road dose, backstage passes. You guys in?

Yep.

Droughty!

Come on, brother, rock and roll.

Okay, so what is his obsession with spicy food?

Oh, my God, I know. He always orders too much of it, and then he gets sick. And

then he lays back and he does the... You

know what?

This was fun.

Yeah, it was.

I'm glad we did this.

Me too.

A toast.

To new beginnings. To new beginnings.

Wendy and I may not have a ton in common, but there's something about her

really respect.

She's honest.

And despite what I thought, she's not a clubhouse cancer.

Merci beaucoup.

And I'll have to keep reminding myself of that.

All right, man.

We need one more bullseye. We close up bulls and we win.

You got it.

There it is. Nice.

Good job.

Good job.

Good game, Brendan.

Oh, God, are you kidding me? You carried it. How'd you get so good at darts?

Oh, I spent my last year abroad at Oxford hanging out in pubs, throwing

and drinking too much Bonningtons.

Hey.

Hey.

How'd it go?

It was really fun. Yeah? Yeah, I know I've said a lot of stuff about Wendy in

the past, and I am sorry because she's great.

Really? Yeah, we had a great time.

You know, I used to think it didn't matter if Wendy and I were friends, and

was wrong. It does matter, because she's important to you.

I am so glad.

And we had a great time with Hank, too. Okay. Oh, yeah, you know, it started off

a little rocky at first, but he's just a cool guy, you know?

Hell of a darts player, too.

Really? Amazing. Like, assassin.

Unbelievable. Wow. Yeah.

The four of us should all go out on, like, a double date sometime. You know,

sometime before the wedding.

Oh, who's getting married?

You and Wendy.

I know. I was kidding, dude.

Man,

I can't believe Trouty hooked us up like that.

Unbelievable, right?

I mean, sitting in the second row. I mean, that's how close we were. Yeah, I

know. I mean, you could see how big and luscious his lips were. I mean, that's

how close we were. Yeah, I know. I was sitting next to you. I'm not gonna kiss

him, but I'm just saying that's close. We were right next to you. Same show.

know what, also?

Tickets aside,

Charlie was a pretty cool guy tonight.

Yeah, he just tries too hard. Yeah. But you know, the guy actually does have a

pretty good heart. See?

I mean, this is what I've been trying to tell you guys. I know. Hey, did you

guys go to the Stone Show, too?

Yeah! That was the greatest show ever, wasn't it? It was the best I've seen.

hey! Hey. I'm Mike.

Corrine. Great to meet you. Hey, what's going on? Oh, Charlie's back. Sorry it

took so long.

Oh, snappity -snap. What's up, Lizvady's?

You're looking sweeter than a snacking cake. Yeah, you like this? This is

popcorn money, baby. Yeah, okay.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Trouty. Oh, relax, dude. They'll be back.

Dude, they are never coming back. Well, if not, then this faux pas is on you,

Ralph Mouth.

Wait.

Well, so, are you surprised?

Oh, I'm as surprised as anyone. We had a good time.

Wendy's a cool person.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, and I was talking to Brendan, and I thought it might be nice if we all

went out together sometime.

Really? Yeah.

Huh.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Look, hon, I don't think I'm a good fit with your friends.

I mean, they're all nice enough guys, but I feel like I don't have anything in

common with them.

And, hey, I mean, nowhere is it written that friends have to spend time with

their friends' significant others, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In sports, regardless of what they look like on paper, you have to be careful

about who you introduce into the clubhouse.

And the same can be said for friendships, relationships, even your

of yourself.

Because even a five -tool player can upset the balance of a strong, promising

team.