Original subtitles

I've come to realize that almost everything in dating and relationships

parallel to sports, especially baseball.

No, that's probably because that's what I do. I'm a sports writer for the

Chicago Sun -Times. I cover the Cubs.

It's like, for example, your friends or your team.

Okay, well, that one was easy.

Oh, it's on.

Kenny and Mike are like great infielders. They make our team strong at

middle. Oh, pizza.

I'm starving.

Don't get too excited. Kenny went to the pizza castle. The pizza castle? Why'd

you go there?

I thought I'd shake things up a little bit. Mike always orders from Nunzio's.

Yeah, because it's good, because we like it, and because it never lets us down.

You just described Lassie.

Oh, what are the brown things?

Mushrooms. Why with the mushrooms?

I'm trying to eat healthier.

Dude, if you don't like it, don't eat it. Oh, I'm going to eat it, just

the fungus on top of it. What are you doing? Were you born in a barn?

I don't remember where I was born.

Oh, no.

Is it on?

It's on.

It's off.

It's not on. Cease fire.

The other cards.

I told Meredith there was an accident on Lakeshore Drive. I figured that should

buy me 90 minutes.

Like my brother Andy and me, we've been on the same team since I was born.

Unfortunately, his wife Meredith is a huge drag and keeps him on a short

So he's more like a relief pitcher.

He can only play a couple of innings.

Andy, come on. One of these days, you've got to stand up to Meredith.

Yeah, that's going to happen. Look, she's the boss of me.

Divorce is messy, and she knows I don't want that, so she owns me. Do you miss

your balls?

I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my balls unless you were

them directly.

Ew.

Damn. Thank you, Andy. You're one of the big reasons why I'm still single. Wait

a second. Aren't you dating that new girl from the Cubs PR office?

I think calling it dating is generous. It's more like meet for a drink, go back

to her apartment, and then bolt out sometime before sunrise.

There's got to be a shorter name for that. How about I'm scared?

Actually, I am maturing. We're going on like our third date this week. Hey.

Which is why it's over. Yeah, tonight's a swan song. Is it?

Swan Song, is that right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Swan Song. After the third date, chicks start expecting

Like a fourth date? Can we get started, please?

Jeez.

Brendan! Brendan!

Sorry I'm late, guys. I'm sorry.

Brendan is like the veteran on the team. We were roommates in college and have

been close ever since.

It's like we came up through the minor leagues together. So, guys, I have some,

uh... Yeah, yeah, I guess you'd call it news.

Uh... Well, all right, I'm just gonna come out and say this. I, uh... You

up with Wendy.

Yeah, how'd you know? Dude, you've broken up with her like 83 times. It was

good guess.

Yeah, it's like either you had a hot dog today or you broke up with Wendy. Yeah,

it's like either you played Metallica on your radio show today or you broke up

with Wendy. It was like you broke up with Wendy today or you broke up with

Wendy. Blah, blah, blah.

Let's play poker. I'm on a time constraint.

All right? Wow, guys, thank you so much for the sensitivity.

It's really, that's nice.

Aw.

Are you okay, man?

Yeah, you know, I'm all right. Great. Let's play.

Oh, peach.

I need to ask you a favor.

You won a crash here.

It's totally cool the guest room's free.

Wow. Am I really that predictable?

You're like the most predictable person we know. I only got 79 minutes.

Except for Andy.

So I guess you could say my place is a team's clubhouse.

It's like the player's second home where we celebrate wins and we pick each

other up after losses.

We obviously don't shower together. That would be weird.

What's wrong with you?

The reason I love sports is because you know where you stand.

Someone wins and someone loses. It's black and white.

Dating, on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame.

Hey, Skip, arm feels pretty good. Is it good enough to play sports?

No, no, no, no, no. Invite me at first and pray to God I don't have to throw at

anybody. All right, we got 15 minutes to game time and no shortstop. Where's

Mike and his friend?

Hey, we're dead.

You guys see their pitcher?

Throwing at least 80.

I'm not saying let's forfeit. I'm saying seriously, let's forfeit.

All right. If you complain to me about the order, I will drop you down.

Mike!

Finally. PJ, this is Bobby. He's our new shortstop.

Hey, PJ.

We've met before, haven't we? Yeah, yeah, in the press box the other day.

borrowed my pen.

That's right.

You're the new Trib guy. So what the hell? That pen ran out of ink.

That's why I had no problem lending it to you.

So are you good? I haven't played much since college. Oh, so like last year?

It's funny. She's funny. You didn't tell me she was funny.

Yeah, she's a barrel of monkeys.

So, Bobby, you'll bat last?

Come on, you're going to bat me last just because you can't take a little

teasing? No, I'm batting you last because you might suck.

That's good coaching.

Excuse me.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a minute.

Sarah from Minneapolis.

Huge Sabbath fan. Loves my show.

I'm thrilled for her.

Yeah, I still got it.

Watch out, ladies, because Dr. Brando is back. Don't say making health calls.

Fine.

Senator Brando working for you.

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? You almost took that dude's head off.

So, Bobby, you playing with us for good now or what?

Well, yeah, sure. I'd love to. I mean, if you guys have the room.

Have the room? For Christ's sakes, we won the game. You're the best player we

have. We'll make the room.

Kenny, you're off the team.

What? Who's going to play first?

Bobby. He's going to play every position. He's a veritable one -man

To Bobby.

To Bobby, if he'll have us. Cheers.

All right.

Hey. Hi. You about ready to go? Oh, yeah.

Hi, Mike. Hello, Stephanie. Hi, Kenny.

Hello, Stephanie. May I get you an adult beverage?

No, no, no, because we're going to go.

Bobby, this is Stephanie.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I just got to go home and change, right?

Stephanie and I helped each other get through journalism school.

She keeps trying to get me to be more girly, but trust me, she's plenty girly

enough for the both of us.

So who's the cute one? I don't know. Bobby? He's a new guy.

So?

So? I don't know. I just met the guy. He's cute. He's funny. He's smart.

But I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship, so I don't know. You can

you always do. Date him until he can't handle all the guys in your life and

break up with him because he's crazy for being jealous.

I don't always do that.

Anyway, I realized that all my anxiety is really coming from my relationship

with Adam and that there's just something that I've been avoiding that I

have to finally face.

What? You know.

What? Sex. You haven't had sex yet?

Like three months. Two and a half. And you know how I feel. If you sleep with a

guy too soon, it's too easy.

Then you're not a challenge anymore.

Oh, Steph, trust me.

You're very challenging.

It's time for football Sunday.

Today's game is Chicago.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Hey, what's up? Hey, how you doing?

Hey, I got your corned beef to look at.

Game's starting soon.

Where's Brandon?

There'll be no sleep and the bears are on. Yo, Brando! Bears!

Brandon!

He's not here.

Oh, maybe he went home with that girl from the bar.

The girl from the bar? What girl from the bar?

You know, the girl that he was, like, flirting with the whole time. Oh,

outstanding!

Fantastic!

What girl from the bar?

anyway she's gone forever a toast to new beginnings to one night stands what

girl from the bar i have no idea i kind of slipped up at wendy's last night no

beer for you we're not celebrating she called late you know we talked

she was lonely yeah and and then she heard this weird noise at her apartment

look nothing happened all right you just talked yes we just talked i swear

Little cuddling.

You know what I mean, all right? Nothing happened.

Hmm.

Huh.

What, huh?

Friend, you got a booty call.

What? No, I told you, nothing happened. We just talked.

No, I know. See, sex is the guy's booty call. You got the girl booty call.

The girl booty call. Yeah, it's the most complex of all booty calls. You see,

with the girl booty call, she needs that emotional fix. You know, the hold me,

I'm scared, it's so lonely here without you.

The minute she finds somebody else, you're out. That's ridiculous.

Booty calls are not worth it.

It's the one thing you learn as you get older.

That's the one thing?

Yeah. I mean, you know it's not going anywhere, but she's hot.

So you've got to pretend that it might.

And then the next day, you don't call.

which is fine until you run into her one day. Like, oh, I don't know, she's

working at a Lord & Taylor and you're trying to buy a pair of pants.

And she hates me.

Who can blame her?

Yes, sure.

But not only does she hate me, but now everybody hates me because all of a

sudden I'm that guy.

And no one will sell me a freaking pair of pants. What's Lord & Taylor?

Water tower.

That's a good one. It's a good one.

You know, it would be fine if it was just one or two of them, but there have

been so many.

I mean, there are whole parts of this town I haven't been to in years.

I would love to go to the Lincoln Park Zoo. Hey, the panda's got a baby. There

are rules in sports that don't exist on paper, but all the

players abide by them.

These unwritten rules keep our excitement for the game alive.

Hey, stop working. Try hard. Game's over.

Don't be a hero. You'll get everybody hurt.

Wouldn't want to do that.

You know, make the rest of us look bad. As it is, you're a lot cuter than

everybody else.

I don't know.

Harve? Kind of foxy and like a bloated pasty way.

Check him out.

I will.

Hey, what are you doing now? You want to grab a beer?

Uh, uh, okay.

Sure, that sounds great.

Huh. The unwritten rules. Okay, so like throwing out a batter under tallyation?

Yeah, don't take an extra base on your head, cleats up, cleats down, that kind

of thing, you know? So I'm going to submit it to some magazines.

That's awesome.

I got a few things in Sports Illustrated.

Stories? No, ads.

I was selling baseball cards.

Oh, really? You collect them, too?

I just sold an Ernie Banks rookie card.

You sold it? Are you insane?

No, I had two.

I actually, I've been collecting since I was seven.

Wow, okay, so you were that girl. You would have broken my heart into a

pieces. Oh, God, I don't know. I did punch the boys I liked. Really? That's

No, seriously, that's hot.

What's up, you two?

Hey!

Hey, how about that eighth inning, huh? That kid Hill is something special.

I know, right?

Hey, we're going to the new barbecue place, huh, Ashlyn? You in?

Um, you know what? Actually, I'm not hungry. I'm happy here.

You're going to love this place. It's the real deal. They put the barbecue on

Wonder Bread and everything.

You see, you keep thinking Wonder Bread and selling points, but it's not.

All right.

Well, you guys just let us know how it is, huh?

Really? Come on. Come on, seriously.

Barbecue. Mmm.

And besides, don't leave me alone with this guy. I got nothing left to talk to

him about.

Come on.

All right, you know what? Fine. Why not?

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure you don't want to go?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I got things to do. You guys go ahead. Seriously.

All right? Okay. Hit it.

I'll see you tomorrow at the field.

Sounds cool. Okay.

You see, here's where the dating game gets tricky.

I mean, in a split second, I've gone from winning to losing.

But the game's not over, right?

I mean, now I'm the underdog.

Hey.

Who doesn't root for the underdog?

Maybe I've just lost it. You haven't lost it, but you don't want to hear my

advice, so... Okay, I think your problem is you're too much one of the guys.

You're not mysterious.

It's not sexy.

And he probably doesn't even know you're interested.

Well, then he's an idiot.

Paige, you're hot.

It wouldn't kill you to stretch your stuff once in a while.

Okay, maybe you're right, all right? Maybe I could put a little effort into

For real?

Yeah, like maybe you could, you know, help me pick out a cute top and I'll do

hair. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we just mark this moment the day that you listen to

my advice?

Yes, you've worn me down.

Okay, when are you seeing him next? Tomorrow night. The guy's asking to play

poker with us.

Poker game.

That's not ideal.

But we can make this work.

We're going to get the top. We'll do the hair. We'll make some hors d 'oeuvres.

And you may want to think about letting him win.

Oh, God.

That's where I draw the line.

Hey. Oh, hey. I had the most killer show today. The guys in Queensryche in my

studio, 90 minutes, awesome.

Is something burning?

My hors d 'oeuvre.

You made hors d 'oeuvre?

Yeah. Wait, you're cooking?

I cook. You don't cook.

The PJ I know does not cook. I do cook. I cook when you're not looking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You look good.

Oh, thanks.

Why?

Hey, I didn't bring beer. I'm planning on mooching.

Are you cooking?

I know, right? I cook stuff, all right? And even if I don't, I do now.

Hey, we have arrived.

What's up? What's going on?

Hey, Andy, this is Bobby. He's our new shortstop. This is Andy. He's our old

shortstop. Ouch. I'm PJ's brother.

Hey. Here's something weird. Yeah. She's cooking. What? Why? I don't know. Hi,

guys. Hey. Hey, Bobby.

Mushroom cap?

Are you wearing makeup?

Yeah, I had this thing earlier.

A makeup thing?

Why don't you go get the table set, and I'll check on the brie.

There's brie?

What's happening?

So on top of everything else, it turns out Bobby's a decent poker player.

Oh my God, I love that place. Have you had their wings?

Oh yeah, like the best in the city. And they have the real old school asteroids.

I know. I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of the reigning champ.

Really? Well, we're going to have to do something about that.

Okay.

I got to run.

If I'm late, she'll make me quit this, too.

Okay, Andy, she can't make you do anything.

We both know I have no free will.

It's okay.

I've made peace with it.

Catch you guys next week.

Okay, that was depressing.

All right.

Sleepy time. We're out.

Oh, hey, Bobby, why don't you come with us? We'll give you a ride.

No.

No, you don't need a ride.

Stay.

Stay and take the train or the bus or a cab or do something crazy like walk

home. So, um, thank you for tonight. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow, probably.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

I wear this cute top for nothing?

No, no, I'm not there right now.

What do you mean?

Uh, do you want me to come over and check it out?

Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be over there in like two minutes.

Okay.

Bye.

What are you doing?

What?

Come on, dude.

She's not into you anymore.

She's using you until she finds another guy.

That's not true.

All right.

Don't come crying to me when she dumps you again.

Fine, I won't.

Fine.

Have fun in crazy land.

Fine, I will.

Fine.

Hello? PJ. Hey, it's Bobby.

Hey. Hey, um, so I am downstairs, and, um,

do you maybe want to get a drink or something?

Yeah, come on over.

Because we could have a drink here.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you in a minute.

All right, great.

Oh, Q -top.

Need my Q -top.

Why? Bobby's coming for a drink.

Now? With just you?

Oh, dude, you just totally got a booty call. I know.

Isn't that great?

Oh, so it's fine for you to get one, but not for me?

Yep. Mine's completely consensual. You are being used by your booty call.

Completely different.

Oh, you know what? But anyway, bye, have fun, drive safe.

Oh, oh, so now you want me to go. Well, I don't really want to be fighting when

he gets here. It's not sexy.

Oh, then I might stay.

Then I might kill you. Then I'll go.

Baseball players go through a routine as they step up to the plate.

You knock the dirt off your cleats, you tighten your glove, and you just pray

you make contact.

Look, PJ, I don't want you to think I... I mean, I just came up to... You know,

I'm fine if we don't... I just came for a drink.

Really? That's the only reason you came back?

Yeah.

Oh, hey.

You want to see my baseball card collection?

It's in my bedroom.

Wow, that is some collection.

Yeah, it's been building for a while.

Um, PJ, look, I just want to say that I really like you, and whatever

happens tonight... Oh, Bobby, you don't need to give me this speech.

Okay.

What speech?

Oh, you know, the we'll be friends anyway speech.

I know we'll be friends.

You do?

Yeah. And let's be honest, we're both grown -ups here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, um, I guess.

What's wrong?

Uh, I don't know. You're, uh, you're kind of freaking me out a little bit.

What? Oh, oh, God, look. Oh, I'm sorry.

Here, come sit down.

It gets slower.

Oh, that.

That's what's freaking me out. Can you maybe not say that stuff? What stuff?

The guy stuff. I mean, guys act like that. Girls say things like, um,

wait, why is this happening so fast?

Or how do I know this isn't just a one -night stand?

But I would be completely acting.

Fine, but that's hot.

Okay, fine.

Okay, look, Bobby, this is really happening so fast, and, I mean, we don't

each other very well, and how do I know it isn't just a one -night stand?

So you're mocking me.

Only a little bit.

Well, um, thank you for tonight. I had a really, um, a

weird time.

Well, you're weird.

You know, I thought some parts were pretty okay, though. Yeah, me too.

Okay, well, so I'll see you around.

Not if I see you first.

Okay.

You see, this sucks.

I mean, there's no umpires, there's no referees, there's nobody to call a foul,

nobody to throw a flag.

I mean, come on. Shouldn't somebody get a penalty here?

Hey, I just passed Bobby. He seemed weird.

He is weird.

Maybe I'm weird.

I don't really know.

Hey, you're back.

So I tried to kiss her.

You know, romantically.

And she turned her head.

Well, I asked her. I said, are we getting back together or am I just here

talk?

And damn you for being right.

Okay, I was just trying to protect you.

You know, whatever.

There are some parts of the game you have to learn through experience in

to become a more complete player.

You see, the difference between love and sports is that sports have very few

unwritten rules and so many ones they all know.

I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if the foul line was always moving

or if sometimes it was two strikes and you're out?

If you've ever tried to date someone, you probably can.