Original subtitles

Right? Okay, so he'll be here at 11? That's great.

Am I excited? Of course I'm excited. When I get off the phone, I may even

my heels.

God, I hate that I saw that.

Yeah, I guess that's just something I can't do.

All right, listen up, everybody. Big announcement. Listen up. Chuck Ferguson

coming here today. Chuck Ferguson, everybody.

Can you all hear me?

Hockey legend Chuck Ferguson, six -time scoring leader, 1980 MVP, and my

personal hero is coming here today to talk about joining the Sunshine Center's

very own San Diego Destroyers as head coach and co -owner.

How many of you actually know that we own a hockey team?

You know what this place is? It's a well -oiled machine.

Don't you have another announcement you have to make?

Oh, yes. For those of you who don't know, Gerard Depardieu passed away.

I'm talking, of course, of Crystal's dog, not the French actor who everyone

thought was sexy in 1991.

I fell for it myself, briefly, but in retrospect, that's just a fat French

Anyway, Crystal's very upset, so do yourself a favor and avoid her more than

usually do.

But don't you have even another announcement you have to make?

Oh, yes.

A commercial will be shooting at the Sunshine Center for the next two days,

meeting adjourned.

It's Alonzo.

He's starring in his own commercial.

You are looking at the new face of Ocean City Auto Mall.

Say it, say it. Oh, come on. They do not want to hear me say where you'll think

you're in heaven, but you're actually in El Cajon.

I love your voice.

It's like warm milk in my ears.

Alonzo, a word of caution.

People get confused when they see a person on TV.

They feel close to them, write them letters, knit dolls in their likeness

human hair.

If those feelings aren't reciprocated, they can get angry.

Okay?

Thank you again for bringing her into the workplace.

I have a question about Alonzo getting a commercial. Why did Alonzo get a

commercial? He missed the shot that lost the playoffs and then cost San Diego or

NBA a franchise.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because he's a former basketball star. He's a pillar of

the community. He's handsome. He's charismatic. And look at that tushy.

No, I just looked at it. I just looked at it. Hello, everyone.

I'm glad to see we're all moving back into the light after shutting ourselves

our rooms and screaming at God in the darkness.

Guess we were all just saying that. I'm still a little fragile, so I'd

appreciate everyone refraining from using the terms hair of the dog, wag the

dog, or don't leave your dog in a hot car.

Is one of those dead?

Yes. This one is stuffed.

No, this one.

No, this one.

Well, it's one of them.

Today, I'm holding an optional, totally optional memorial service for Gerard

Depardieu. And tomorrow, in the spirit of moving on...

I'm taking a new family photo.

Because after all, I have a new member of my family.

Everyone, please meet Javier Bardem.

Oh, I'm sorry. Son, I meant my dog family. Oh, right.

Of course your dog family. That one's on me. What was I thinking?

I'm a presumptuous little boy.

I don't want to embarrass you, Mr. Ferguson, but the only thing that would

embarrass me is if you call me Mr. Ferguson.

Call me Chuck Ferguson.

Yeah? The whole thing? Chuck Ferguson?

That'd be great. Okay, well, Chuck Ferguson.

I was in Chicago in 77 the night you scored the hat trick against the

Blackhawks. Heck of a night.

We were on the road. I had just found out my wife had been rushed to the

hospital back home to give birth. Scored three goals, one for each of my new

baby triplets.

Chaz, Chuck Jr., and Charlene.

That was a very big night for me, too. One of your slap shots went into the

crowd, hit a little boy in the head. That little boy was me.

It never really healed right. I'd like you to feel it.

Oh, got a nice hole in your noggin. Here, feel this one here.

And don't be shy. Get on in there. Hey, look at me. I got my finger in Chuck

Ferguson's head.

Ever since Crystal Cohen brought the destroyers to the Sunshine Center,

been near and dear to my heart.

Here's why I think you'd be perfect for the team. You're a winner, and they're

winners. You lost 56 games last year. Yes, but we won four, so technically I'm

not lying.

Look, Ben, I like you. I like you too, Chuck Ferguson.

Hey, here's the thing. The name Chuck Ferguson means something to people. It's

brand. A brand that means honesty.

Hard work.

Saving a little baby in a well with some duct tape and a hockey stick.

Good story. I'll tell it to you sometime.

I think you just did, but you could tell me again. My point is, Chuck Ferguson

is synonymous with family values.

That's why kids want my autograph and why my jersey still sells, not to

the signature line of barbecue mitts.

People love me, Ben. What can I say?

I want to partner with an organization that values family as much as I do.

Well, this is just spooky because we're all about family.

Crystal Cohen just recently brought in her son to work at the arena in an

undefined condition.

You don't say. I did say. I just said it. You know what?

I think my family could be very happy. That is so great. But before we get the

lawyers involved, I want to meet the Coens first.

They are lovely people. Look at that.

That's one of the many garbage cans we have here at the Sunshine Center. We

them around so the garbage doesn't...

pile up on the floor.

Are the Coens here? No, they are not.

And that is certainly not them having a dog funeral.

Mr.

Sunshine, yay!

Crystal!

I need to bring you up to speed on the Chuck Ferguson deal. Not now. I'm

consumed with guilt about Gerard.

Although I don't know why. He's the one that rolled up the window.

He's ready to come aboard. He just wants to make sure we're the kind of people

he approves of. He wants to meet the family behind the Sunshine Center.

Those people in that creepy van?

I was wrong.

To not be clear, my fault.

I'm talking about you and Roman. He wants to see you and Roman together as a

family. Oh, I don't know.

You saw what happened with Roman and me this morning. It was very uncomfortable.

It's been like that since he was a boy.

I got preoccupied with running this place, and then he went off to school.

At least I think it was school.

He didn't come back any smarter.

Maybe it was just the building.

The point is, we barely know each other.

Chuck Ferguson is my friend. This finger has been inside his head.

And he is willing to put up a lot of money to be a part of your hockey team.

team that's won 14 games in five years.

And all you have to do to make that happen is to get to know your son.

Really, really quickly, though. Like now. You'd have to get to know him right

now. Well, how much money are we talking about?

This much?

This much.

That much?

That's very impressive.

Give me my son.

That's right.

My human son.

I wonder what it would have been like if we dated when you were in the NBA.

You know, it was actually kind of boring for the ladies. You'd buy me lots of

bling and I'd sit in the stands with the other girlfriends like astronaut wives,

but prettier.

And every time you'd make a three, you'd make a little sign like you'd point to

your heart and then up at the sky like you're pointing to God, but I know it's

me. Ladies start cheating.

I leave you for a rock star and we live on the bus and have a kick -ass life,

but then after all the drugs and booze and casual sex... You ready, though?

Thank God, yes.

Hey, have you seen Roman?

Shh. The director is talking to his star.

You mean the guy in the fishing vest is talking to Alonzo? So here's my vision.

You got the ball.

You shoot the ball.

You miss the shot.

You talk.

Boy talks.

You talk.

Wait, Alonzo's going to miss the shot?

That's so humiliating.

I probably shouldn't say this, but this may be the happiest I've been since we

stopped sleeping together.

Okay, let's use this as an opportunity to show Chuck that we have a real family

business. Now, I know there hasn't been a lot of communication between the two

of you for these past ten years.

I lost my phone. I moved. I lost my phone again. I moved back to the place I

moved from.

All very strong excuses.

But Chuck Ferguson needs to know that we have a loving and connected family.

So let's talk about a happier time when you actually used to be in each other's

lives.

I'm frightened.

But I'm ready.

Roman likes television.

I do. I do like television.

Fantastic. Maybe there's something more specific, though, to the two of you.

Perhaps a memory you both shared?

I remember one Christmas.

Perfect. Perfect. And?

No, that's it. I remember one Christmas.

Okay. Why don't I thank you, get the ball rolling, and I'll tell you a story

about my childhood as an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. Maybe

it'll spark something.

When I was 12, my dad took me camping, and I caught my first fish.

Excuse me.

We cooked it up over a fire and we ate it.

Oh, yeah.

And then after dinner, he told me that he and my mom were getting a divorce and

then he went into my tent and drank all my allergy medicine.

What a sad night to see your father single.

My turn.

When I was little, I had a huge mole on my shoulder.

Turns out I was initially twins and it was an underdeveloped head.

My body ate my twins' body.

So far, the mole sister is the one to beat.

Where can we find a normal person?

And just like Papa promised, when I woke up, the snowstorm was over, my fever

was gone, the pond was frozen, and we were able to skate again.

And five minutes later, the pony just stood up.

Her breath was steaming out her sticky little adorable nose.

Right then I knew my brother Buck was a hero.

And I didn't even want to be prom queen. And the next thing I knew, Duran Duran

was singing to me.

I think we have our heartwarming stories, people.

You are a beautiful flower.

Pond. Buck.

Duran. I got it.

Okay, one more time.

Who made the best apple pie in the family? Grandma Thelma. And where was

from? Beaver Dam.

And how did she die?

In her sleep with no regret.

Very nice. And congratulations to both of you for not laughing at Beaver that

time.

Okay.

I thought our presentation could use a visual aid, so I had Heather Photoshop a

picture of you and Roman at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, I remember this trip.

No. You don't.

Benjamin, I want to thank you. I haven't wanted to delve into my past with Roman

because it was too uncomfortable.

But now, we don't have to.

It's so much easier to forget everything and make new stuff up.

Well, you're welcome.

This was quite an adventure.

I wrote a burrow named El Diablo.

No, you didn't.

I don't see you in this picture.

Hey, Ben, we should get a beer sometime.

Ah, Chuck, I would love it. You know, beer was originally fermented by monks.

Hey, yeah.

Do you have a sec? Yes.

What's going on?

Well, you know, I have had a lot of fun pretending to be myself.

Well, only someone else.

But, listen, Roman, for the last time, I don't think Chuck's going to make you

do the bird calls.

No. No, I've discovered I'm extraordinary at bird calls.

Well, then what could possibly be the problem? Well, it's just... Isn't it

that none of the memories we're using are ours?

Well, yes, a little. But you wanted to get closer to your mom, and you are.

Sure, none of it's real, but that's part of the fun.

I guess.

Just that I've been trying to find my own memory, and I can't think of one.

Well, look, Roman, if this makes you uncomfortable, we can Chuck Ferguson. I

Chuck Ferguson.

Chuck, what are you doing here?

I thought of that story you told me earlier today.

And I couldn't wait to give this to you.

Well, you didn't have to come all the way down here for that. I didn't. But

that's what Chuck Ferguson does.

You know what it is?

I think it's a hockey stick.

Yes, but there's more.

Is that the stick that slapped the puck that hit my head? The one and only.

Straight from my garage.

I was using it to kill weasels.

So much history.

It's nice that Ben likes the big old hockey man.

He does, doesn't he?

I'm not going to let him down.

I love you, Chuck Ferguson. I just fell in love with you. You don't have to say

it back.

I'm not going to.

This is so exciting.

I haven't had a boyfriend who wore makeup since that poetry major I dated

college.

He was into the cure.

And ultimately, guys.

Baby, sometimes a little mystery is nice in a relationship.

Maybe we can go over my line? I can run lines with you? Oh, what's my

motivation?

I'd like to play it sexy.

Well, he's a 12 -year -old boy named Timmy. I'm a sexy 12 -year -old boy

Timmy. Go.

Okay, so I take the court, shoot the ball I miss, and you say... Boo!

I may have missed a shot, but don't you miss a shot at saving. Yay!

Buying a car anywhere else would be a career killer.

Career killer. Wait.

You really have to say that? Well, after a couple of takes, if Timmy and I are

grooving, I'll probably try a little improv.

But that's the gist.

You have an amazing career, honey. Don't you think this is a little demeaning?

Not at all.

That's why they want to make fun of me. I can take it. I know who I am.

And it'll be fun to be on TV again.

You know, besides that guest spot I did on Silk Stockings.

I guess.

It would be nice to have something to show my family.

Boo!

That's not sexy.

And I don't know if it was the fact that Roman and I milked those cows ourselves

or that there was a rainbow in the sky that day, but we had never churned such

sweet butter.

And that really happened.

See? Right there. That's what's important to Chuck Ferguson.

Butter and rainbow.

I like rainbows. I like butter.

Ben, I think we're going to have a winning season this year. That is so

love you so much. You don't have to.

I'm not going to. Well, I'll send the paperwork over tomorrow. Wait.

This is reminding me of something.

A memory, like a real memory.

Mom, do you remember that night in Omaha?

So many nights in Omaha. How can you pick just one? Let's stop talking now.

no, no. There was a strong thing. Just like this. At a diner. It was when we

were hitchhiking across the country.

And you had just divorced your third husband.

We couldn't pay because we had spent the last of our money at the motel on sodas

and that Burt Reynolds movie with him and that kid, and they were big city

detectives. Cop and a half.

That's right.

He was half a cop because he was a child.

Third husband.

I thought you married your high school sweetheart.

Yes, she did. Three times. They love love and family and little cops.

Let's go.

We lit all those napkins on fire at that diner to distract that top -heavy

waitress with the cheap highlights.

Hey, we ran out without paying. It's called dining and dashing, sweetheart.

The end. The end.

Then, somehow, she got us a free ride with a trucker.

Clarence. Oh, listen to this.

These two guys, they disappear into the gas station bathroom for like 20

minutes. They come out, free ride to California, never stop once. That was

deal. And it all began to unravel.

What's going on?

You've been lying to me the whole time?

I like rainbows. And I did milk a cow. Well, I thought it was a cow.

What the hell was I milking?

Sorry, Ben.

I don't think this is going to work out.

Okay, yes, yes, yes. We lied.

And it was my idea.

But they came together in this moment to help me.

They are loyal and real.

And what more can you ask for in a partner?

Ben, let's cut through all this. I've gotten to know you, and I like you. I

you. Let me finish.

You want real? I'll tell you real.

The triplets?

They hate me. Haven't seen them in ten years.

And I love hookers.

Like, a lot.

And that hockey stick I gave you? Just a weasel stick. Weasel stick.

This isn't about real.

It's about image. These people are not good for the Chuck Ferguson brand.

So they're not good for Chuck Ferguson.

Well, let me tell you something.

The day that puck hit me was not the greatest day in my life. I can't see

And I laugh out of context.

I'll see you, Pat.

Ever want to go whoring? Give me a call.

You see? That's puck damage right there.

I'm sorry we couldn't charm your boyhood hero, Ben.

It's okay.

I was being a selfish moron. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But the good news is you guys have a real memory now, and that is just great.

Damn it.

All right, people.

Go time.

Okay, so now before we do this, I had a brilliant idea.

After you miss the shot, Timmy here is going to say, it's so easy, even a kid

can do it.

And Timmy's going to make the shot.

Is that fantastic or what?

Hey, you're the man with the headphones.

Atta baby.

Now it's one, I'm done, and we're back in our cars, okay?

Let's roll.

All right, ready?

And action.

Boom.

It's all right. Got lucky on that one.

Not a problem.

And action.

Huh. Again.

I'm rusty, I guess. I got this.

What's the deal, though?

Am I too late? Did I miss the miss?

Not yet.

He's making it. Why is he making it? Because he's awesome and he can't miss.

Oh, oh, that was for me. That was for me.

Or he's suddenly way into God.

Okay, so he's really good at basketball.

But other than that, what does he have that I don't have?

Me. You're killing me, though.

Close your mouth.

Unbelievable.

I hear you are taking a new family photo. I take it things are going better

Roman. Roman and I have entered a new phase. I'll do my best to spend a little

more time with him and treat him like my son.

I am happy to hear that. I'm actually very proud of you. You should be. I'm a

special, special lady.

There's peanut butter in here. How do I get it?