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Time for another round before the train?

Just about, but personally I wouldn't know where to put it.

To tell you the truth, neither would I.

Hey, Mr. Slattery.

The tab please.

Well, there goes another Thursday night down the drain,

thanks to you hotshots.

We should have gone bowling.

I said that three hours ago.

Bowling. Bowling's the drag of all time.

Why? It's a good, clean, wholesome hobby.

That's what I mean.

I keeping tell you guys, we have got to plan ahead

for these nights in town.

Or we'll always wind up like this.

Well, what's to plan we haven't had

up to here six Thursdays ago?

Personally, I'm embarrassed to tell Joanne

how nowhere these nights out are.

Well, at least it gets you jokers

out of the compound one night a week.

That's the main object, isn't it?

Mr. Slattery...

How come you don't provide your steady customers

with more glamorous dissipation?

If you're not satisfied beer, buster, order champagne,

brandy, cremme de menthe.

You name it, I got it.

Here's the rocker: 14.85, including tax.

Start fumbling.

"Glamorous."

Maybe we should have taken the 9:15 home.

We could have saved ourselves a couple of bucks.

Fuzzy thinking, pal. Once we take the early train,

they'll expect us home early every Thursday.

And you guys couldn't afford to set a dangerous precedent

like that...

Keep talking.

What's with you?

Keep talking, man. Keep talking.

Hello, darling. Hi, sweetie.

You look beautiful.

Have you been waiting long?

No. You look gorgeous.

Do we owe any money at the bar?

You've been a good girl.

Alright, Freddie, you can come out now.

He didn't see me, did he?

No, I'd say he had other things on his mind.

Yeah, and I can tell you what they are,

in, uh, alphabetical order.

Who is that guy anyway?

That was my boss.

So what? You weren't doing anything wrong.

No, but he is.

Look, he's got himself this pad over on the East Side now.

A home away from home.

Oh. How does he get away with it?

Well, he set it up with his wife out in Stamford

that there's a staff meeting every Thursday night

that goes on to the wee, small hours.

Since he has to be back at his desk

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Friday morning...

You see, Fred: brains.

That's what makes a successful executive:

brains and a good night's sleep every Thursday.

That's why you're working for him.

Now, that's what I call a worthwhile hobby.

Beats running to make the 11:35.

Beats walking to make the 11:35.

It beats the 11:35.

Alright, men, on your feet.

Unless you want to hitchhike home to Connecticut.

Let's see who owes what here.

George, how many beers did you have?

No time for bookkeeping now, Howie. You pick up the tab,

and we'll split it four ways.

Oh, sure.

So the old rascal's got himself a pad in town, eh?

With peach fuzz upholstery and built-in moonlight.

A regular Shangri-la.

But with plumbing.

Accounting-wise,

what do you think the tab would come to

on a setup like that, Howie?

The main trouble is you can't put her

on any legitimate deductible basis.

Food and drink, you could always put on the swindle sheet.

And the rest you take out of petty cash.

Well, let's see, huh?

Rent, on a halfway decent pad stands you four fifty,

utilities, phone,

maid, part-time probably, cleaning and laundry,

Social Security...

No, wait a minute. No Social Security.

No withholding, either.

Tips, incidentals, uh, contingencies, depreciation...

Roughly, 900 to 950 per month.

Tilt.

It can't be that much.

It breaks down to about 225 dollars per Thursday.

Any other questions?

Do you think she was a natural redhead,

or was that a dye job?

It's hard to say.

Of course, I can always ask the boss.

Ah, she probably wasn't.

Wrong, uh, skin texture.

No. You can't always go by that.

There was this fabulous redhead

I met on a boat to New Orleans one time.

The first night out there came this...

And we never did find that other shoe.

Greenwich is the next stop.

The next station stop is Greenwich.

Even cutting corners, the smallest monthly overhead

you could get away with, according to my figures,

is, 610 dollars and 48 cents.

That's a great deal more like it.

Well, what's the 48 cents for?

For the girl, what else?

Boy, it looks like the Indians were here.

Yeah, anybody got a car?

It was supposed to be your turn.

I know, but Toni had to take the kids...

Why didn't you say something earlier?

We could have made other arrangements.

Don't make a federal case out of it.

We'll grab a cab a split it four ways. Sure.

"Four ways."

"Four ways."

You know something?

- I was just wondering... - Yeah, I was too.

Howie, how would it come to splitting it four ways.

Not much. A buck and a half a piece. With the tip.

Not the cab, bird brain, the pad.

You mean like a joint venture? One pad for the four of us?

Sure. Yeah.

Hypothetically, of course.

And one hypothetical blonde?

Just for the sake of argument.

How much, Howie?

Are you guys bucking for the snake pit?

Thirty-eight dollars and 16 cents per week per man,

figuring four weeks to the month.

Say, that's not too steep, is it, George?

Yeah, no steeper than the mortgage payments

on your home.

Actually, it's a shade less,

figuring four and a half weeks to the month.

Yeah, but still in all, an outlay that size,

I'd probably have to take up with my wife.

Wait a minute. Do you know what I did forget?

Clothes.

Clothes? What clothes?

For the blonde.

Of course, I could estimate on the basis

of Joanne's clothes budget.

You'd have to spend a lot more than that.

Nothing doing. I'm not dressing her better than my wife.

Why not?

My conscience would bother me.

Hi, darling! Hi!

Who was an Egyptian Pharaoh, the Sixth Dynasty,

known as "The Unspeakable"?

Irving K. Snodgrass.

Oh, Georgie, don't you know anything?

There are a number of things I happen to know.

Whether I believe it or not, of course there are, dear.

Hey, I got it!

Keptu-Karmak. That's right.

K-E-P-T-U-

Aren't you even gonna ask me if whether I...

had a good time tonight. I certainly am.

Did you have a good time tonight, dear?

...M-A-K.

Well, it started out alright, then we...

Ended up in Slattery's trying to figure out what to do.

Sort of. We couldn't make up our minds...

Whether or not to go bowling?

Where are you going, George? To finish something.

Finish what? A sentence!

Ah, Georgie. Come on. Come on back.

Come to bed.

Why should I?

Because you're an irresistible man.

And besides, my feet are cold.

Don't skulk, son. It makes you look silly.

Hi, doll. I just didn't want to wake you.

Why, that's ridiculous. I'm wide awake, as you can plainly see.

I made you a sandwich. Come on in the kitchen.

Okay. I could use one.

What kind of a day did you have today?

Miserable.

Well, why?

What happened?

The alumnae bulletin came today,

and the rabbits got into the flower garden again.

Oh, give it up, Mom. It's a losing battle.

I don't like them, Fred. I don't like them one little bit.

Well, you're not supposed to like rabbits.

Unless you're another rabbit.

Now, don't change the subject, Frederick.

I'm talking about your Thursday nights out with the boys.

Oh, come on, Mom. They're old friends.

They ate all my gladiolus shoots.

The boys? No, silly. The rabbits!

And speaking of marriage...

What?

Marriage, dear. Marriage.

Oh, yes, I tried it once, remember?

The gears didn't mesh. Oh, I know.

But since you insist upon robbing yourself of sleep,

and undermining your health,

it really ought to be with girls.

At least, there'd be something to show for it.

Like what? Grandchildren!

According to the bulletin,

I'm practically the only one in my class who hasn't got any.

And, I was voted \x22The Girl Most Likely to Succeed.\x22

Cut it out, Mom.

I'm too embarrassed to even show my face at the reunions.

You wouldn't go, anyway. You've always hated them.

That's true, but...

Oh, I do want to be a grandmother, in the worst way!

In the worst way?

I'll see what I can do.

Now, don't be crude, Frederick.

That's not what I meant. And you know it.

Besides, a man your age needs a wife.

As a famous philosopher once wrote,

\x22If you could get milk for a penny a quart,

you wouldn't keep a cow.\x22

No, not if all you wanted was milk.

What else would I want from a cow?

I don't know. Companionship?

Eight o'clock. Isn't that coffee ready yet?

You can't hurry it, dear.

If a train can hurry me, I can hurry a percolator. Hurry!

See.

You're so magical, dear.

Mother, after school today, do you think...?

Don't speak with your mouth full, Stewart.

And sit up straight like your sister.

Well-bred people don't slouch at the table.

Anyway, could you pick me up after school,

so I could go straight to the Little League practice?

I suppose so.

That reminds me, Toni, while you're out today,

could you drop into the hardware store and pick me up

a 100 feet of lead-in wire and and four heavy-duty hinges?

Well, what for, dear?

I want to fix the TV antenna and rehang the garage doors.

Surprise, dear.

The TV man was here yesterday, and the handyman's coming today.

But I wanted to do it, myself.

I've been looking forward to it all week.

Doug, now how would it look to the neighbors

if they were to see you hanging your own garage doors?

It would look like we were living within our income.

Exactly.

Do-it-yourself is perfectly acceptable as a hobby...

But not if it saves you money.

Daddy interrupted you, Mother.

Fink!

Doug, you must think of appearances.

It's so important to set a good example.

Yeah, I know. Oh, it's late. I gotta go.

Goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, darling. See you at the usual time.

Who's ready for more buttered toast?

I am! And pass the jelly!

And the peanut butter.

I-I'LL take the other slice!

I mean, could I?

Will power, darling. Remember our diet.

Your diet, sweetheart.

I'm not exactly what you'd call fat.

That's unkind, Howard.

After all, I'm only doing it for your sake.

The least you could do is set me a good example.

I'm putting your lunch box next to your books.

Okay, honey, but if I die of malnutrition,

you'll know who's to blame.

You won't. My physiology book says life

can be adequately sustained on 900 calories a day.

For older, sedentary people.

Daddy, no cheating!

It may interest you to know that your sedentary old man

gets dizzy spells every afternoon.

When that happens, you should sit

with your head between your knees.

What for?

It makes the blood rush to your head.

So does a good punch in the nose.

Howard! Not in front of the children.

Where do you get all this inside information?

I read a lot, Daddy. You know, books.

He's just like you used to be, dear,

A, A, A in every subject.

I still could be, if I wasn't starved all the time.

Fat around here! Tsk, tsk, tsk.

So long, honey! So long, dear.

Bye, Pop. Have a nice day.

Never trust a kid who gets straight As.

That does it, and the rest are mine.

Of all the bonehead leads.

I'm sorry, partner. I'm just not with it today.

Small slam, game and rubber.

Nothing like having a cousin in the enemy camp, huh?

I don't understand it.

I don't, either. You lead right into his run

of clubs on the board.

Would you look at that miserable sunshine?

What kind of an excuse is that?

What'd you do, Mr. Weatherman? Predict a rainstorm for today?

Don't needle me.

That warm air mass was supposed be here two hours ago.

That does it!

I'm not gonna play with a guy who's sitting around waiting

for a warm air mass.

Okay. Then I'll catch up on my studies.

I'm on the Hundred Best Books.

Play-Mate!

Now, you've gotta respect a man

who's trying to improve his mind.

I know you won't believe this, fellas,

but I confiscated this from my son's lunch box.

I believe it. Some kids'll eat anything.

Hey, look at this.

"Ten Things Every Ideal Bachelor Pad Should Have."

Hey, Fred, I wonder if your boss read this?

Only ten?

Well, uh, number one we ain't got.

Without Number One, who needs the other nine?

I don't know. The barometer went down this morning,

so where's the low-pressure area?

In your head, leading a club.

Right over there. That's where the first clouds...

Shop talk, shop talk. Keep your mind on important things.

Let me see that. Ah, come on.

Now...

How much rent did you figure for that

low-budget, economy-size \x22love nest\x22 of yours?

Two hundred a month tops.

And all you need is a furnished layout

with two bedrooms, two baths, glass enclosed showers,

den, bar, terrace, stereophonic hi-fi, dinette

and indirect lighting, all for 200 a month?

Lots of luck.

Two hundred a month!

Well, he is right, of course.

Well, what pleasure can a guy get out of just being right?

You could learn to hate a guy like that.

It's not his fault you can't get a set up

like that for two hundred dollars.

We ought to look anyway.

We'd just be wasting our time.

Not necessarily.

What if we waste Fred's time?

Yeah. It would serve him right.

For what? For being so damn right.

Right? Right. Here he is.

Look sharp. I don't get it.

You will. Just pick up your cues.

No, I agree, absolutely, men.

But after we find the pad, whose name do we put it in?

Hello.

Stop showing off your teeth.

Who do think you are, Kirk Douglas?

Of course, George, why didn't we think of it sooner?

A single man.

Fred's the answer. He'll do it.

Fred'll do what? Sign the lease.

Boys, we're in business!

So long, fellas. It's been a real blast.

Uh, Fred, wait, wait.

Look at it from the human angle.

If it ever hit the fan and one of our names was on the lease,

how do you think it would look?

Terrible.

Exactly. You it can't hurt.

Fred, it's not as though we're asking you

to get us a place that fills all ten requirements.

You can skip Number One.

All we want you to do is get us the pad.

No, thanks. I know plenty of girls who've got their own.

Fred, you're being selfish.

If you won't do it, we have to blow the whole deal.

Why do I have to be the beard for you guys?

Beards are getting more popular every day.

Uh, I-I'll be standing there like a sitting duck.

Fred, what are old friends for?

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah.

Boys, plural?

You mean, like a quail trap?

On a co-op basis?

Sort of.

Bad scene.

That kind of set up has wrecked more friendships...

And not to mention marriages.

I'd hate to have that on my conscience.

Then, skip it. Tell them you couldn't find anything.

End of problem.

Welsh on my promise?

I'd hate to have that on my conscience.

Nothing personal, Fred,

but a fella could get very sick from a conscience like yours.

Wait a minute.

Your pals probably want a real plush-type hideaway, right?

Good location, terrace, view, things like that?

Ten things like that.

And I suppose they want to pay two fifty, 300 a month?

Less. More like two.

Even better. You're a cinch, Fred.

All you've got to do is answer one ad,

let the renting agent laugh in your face

and you can put your conscience back

in the deep freeze.

I really won't be able to find anything?

With those numbers? Not a chance.

Now, let's pick out some nice likely looking item

that'll get you off the hook.

Here. Where are we? Apartments.

The door's open. Come in.

Hello, there. Yeah.

Uh, I'm Fred Williams.

I talked to you earlier on the phone.

Oh, Fred Williams. Yeah.

Come in. Here, let me get this, take your things.

There we are.

My boy, you are about to see a corner of paradise.

You're a lucky fella.

Usually a man has to die to get into a set up like this.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not prepared to go that high.

Just give me the hard lines and let me go home. How much?

Well, it's a fruity Garden of Eden, completely furnished,

is worth at least six or seven hundred a month. Right?

Right. Thank you and goodbye.

Oh, you're not leavin', are you, Fred?

Yeah. I-I just hate to waste your time Mr. Bowers.

No, it's Pete, Freddy-boy.

Come on, let's have a little blast.

Look, Pete. A little drink then...

Look, 600 dollars is absolutely out of the question.

So haggle a little, Fred, haggle.

Why, this bar doesn't even have a, a wine rack.

Do you think we built this for peasants?

Fred, I would die before I let any of my tenants

stack his wines vertically.

Now, how much more gracious can you get for 500 dollars a month?

Here's the lease. Just sign right here.

Goodbye again, Pete. Oh, you are rough, aren't you?

What do you want? A month's concession?

You're only getting a short- term deal, you know?

Uh, uh, Pete, you're still way over my head.

Well, exactly how high is your head, in round numbers?

Fred I'm ashamed to tell you.

You can't do business if you're ashamed.

You got to fight me tooth and nail.

Why? I can't win.

I'm very big in the Lost Column.

Frankly, Pete, I can't even afford the chandelier...

Sh. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Uh, just let me show you, my boy,

what you, uh, think you can't afford.

His and hers.

Uh, what would you think if I said 400?

I think you're still out of talking distance.

Well, you sure kick a man when he's down, don't you?

No, I don't mean to kick.

I-I just want to go home, Pete

But, Fred, boy, you are home.

This is where your roots are!

Let your Uncle Petey prove it, huh?

Stack the wine.

The Mississippi is the mother of rivers.

That's the Midwest mother.

This is the East Coast mother.

You take the apartment, and we'll throw mother in!

For 350 dollars a month?

Uh, uh, yeah, we'd better get back inside!

Now, sit down over there.

And shut your eyes.

Close them!

Controls for every room. You know what I mean?

Now...

Here's the pen. Use your right hand!

This is the lease!

Life is short! We only go around once. I'm busy. Now, sign it!

Uh, let's face the facts, 300 dollars

is just more than I can afford.

Mother warned me there'd be days like this.

I know you. You're the boy who was reared by the wolves.

Where's your brother Romulus?

Can you run on all fours?

Go ahead and seize me by the throat! Devour me!

I didn't mean to upset you, Pete.

Well, name a figure!

Two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars?

What are you? Some kind of a nut?

Why are you trying to give this place away for two bills?

You don't know?

Know what?

He doesn't know. He doesn't know!

He beats me down to 200 dollars, and he doesn't even know.

Give me back the papers, and forget the whole thing.

Wait a minute. What's your hurry?

You won't want the place

when you find out why you're getting a deal.

Why? What's the hook?

Does the name Orchid O'Hara mean anything to you?

Orchid O'Hara?

The girl that...

You mean, in this apartment?

Right there.

Twenty-three times.

The blood... Yeah,

I read about it in the papers.

Poor kid. Creepy.

Now, give me back the papers

before we both do we something we'll be sorry for.

Nothing doing. A deal's a deal.

That's all I need.

Yeah, you and me both.

Well, there's another weekend up the crick.

No, Miss Proctor, no, don't take that down.

Now, where was I?

\x22Motivation-wise, your Nymph Perfume attack...\x22

...is way off target.

You've got to make every woman feel

that unless she uses Nymph perfume, she's a pig. Period.

Next paragraph.

Yes?

Fred Williams? Alright, I'll talk to him.

Fred, pal, I'm just up to here with work.

Can't it wait for Slattery's this evening or the train?

Meet you where?

Sure, I've got a pencil.

All the requirements listed in Play-Mate, huh?

Including item Number One?

The blonde? Oh nothing doing, pal.

That's your department.

My friend, you're being unreasonable.

Unreasonable, my foot.

How would I go about getting a girl like that?

How should I know? Look in the yellow pages.

Place an ad in The Times.

That's a marvelous suggestion, Mr. Drayton.

I got my job through an ad in The Times.

Yes, I know.

Well, you've got dimes, haven't you?

You phone The Times.

Phrase it anyway you like.

Advertising's your racket, not mine.

You phone all the guys, and meet me here at 5:30.

Goodbye.

Stupid jerk.

As though that kind of girl even reads The New York Times.

I don't know what's tougher, trying to fight your way

into that bar car, or out of it!

What'd you get the fourth drink for?

The little man who wasn't there?

Force of habit, I guess. Maybe he'll get on at 125th Street.

What would he be doing up in this part of town?

Checking the rainfall?

Hey, maybe he's chasing that pail of steam

we sent him for this morning.

Oh, you don't actually believe he fell for that gag, do you?

Oh, of course not.

This afternoon, he even tried to turn the rib on me.

Oh, he put on a great act on the phone.

Like, how do you mean?

Like making me write down the address,

so we could all meet there tonight.

What address?

Who remembers? Something-or- other East End Avenue.

I wrote it down here, somewhere.

One Hundred and Twenty-Fifth Street Station.

Are you sure he was putting you on?

Oh, come off it.

He could no more get a place like that

than he could fly to the moon.

You know something? Today a man can fly to the moon.

Chickened out. That's what they did.

No wine rack.

How do you like guys like that?

Don't get yourself in an uproar, pal.

They'll be here.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's guys who chippen when the chicks are down.

That's a pretty fat tongue you've got there, bud.

You got a ringing in the ears?

Probably comes from drinking tea many martoonis.

What do you mean, \x22tea many\x22?

I had exactly through... Three.

Alright, you guys.

Keep your shirts on.

Alright.

I'm coming.

Keep your shirts...

I came about your ad in The Times.

So quick?

Quick?

Well, I mean, how's it possible?

This is Apartment Seven B, isn't it?

Seven B. Y-Yes, it's Seven B alright.

Well, may I come in and look around?

Oh, of course. Please do.

Do you always stare at people like that?

You'll have to excuse me.

I'm just a little mixed up.

You see, I was, I was expecting somebody else.

Oh, to see the apartment?

Oh, well, y-yeah. You see, they should've been here by now.

I suppose I should have phoned for an appointment.

Oh, not at all, I'm delighted you could drop in.

That wouldn't be tomorrow's paper by any chance?

I beg your pardon.

Well, I thought maybe the early edition?

How much have you had to drink?

Well, what thinks you make I've been...?

Well as a matter of fact...

Won't you join me?

No, thank you.

I think I'd better run along. But you just got here.

I thought you wanted to look around.

That won't be necessary.

The place is obviously terribly expensive.

Oh, but it isn't. It's ridiculously cheap.

T-T-That's why I grabbed it so fast.

Well, certainly not.

Well then, why didn't you come right out with it and tell me?

Oh. You mean that's why you came here?

I-I distinctly said that I came in answer to your ad.

Oh, well, I-I thought you meant my ad.

Uh, uh. George's ad.

He put one in too.

Where is it? Show me?

Well, it, it's not in today's paper.

Yesterday's?

Tomorrow's.

And you thought I answered it today?

Ha. Well, I told you I was mixed up.

Uh-huh.

I answer the doorbell, and there you are.

You're blonde and twenty-fivish, attractive.

Just what exactly were you advertising for?

A blonde, attractive...

Well, a companion.

\x22A companion\x22?

For yourself?

Me? No, no, no. No.

It's for, for George.

Oh? Well, George is old and sickly.

Just one of the boys.

\x22Boys\x22?

Are there more than just one?

In manner of speaking, yes.

Two?

Almost.

What's almost two?

Three.

There's Doug and George and Howie.

And you. That makes four.

Me? Oh, no.

No, I'm not part of this deal.

What are you, the house mother?

No, no, this sort of thing isn't for me.

I'm not married.

You're not?

Any more.

What happened?

Well, we didn't like each other.

Then, why did you get married?

How could we tell we didn't like each other until we got married?

And the others? They are married?

Yes. Oh, oh, but don't get the wrong impression.

You're expecting them here now?

Oh, well, there was some talk about it on the phone.

Do you think the wheel chairs will fit through the door?

Uh. Well, no, no, seriously,

they're, they're wonderful fellows.

Real aces.

Four aces chasing one queen.

This I really gotta see.

You sure he said \x22East End Avenue\x22?

Positive. I wrote it down.

Ninety-eight East End Avenue.

Right in the heart of the French Poodle Belt.

That's one of the highest rental areas in the country.

Look, Howie, if you haven't got anything constructive to say,

don't say it. Okay,

then you think of something constructive to say.

And don't say it! Oh, why don't you two relax?

The whole thing's probably a gag anyway.

What's he being so nasty about?

Never mind. I-I'll give you seven to five

that Fred's on a train home right now,

having the laugh of his life.

W-Well, you know how it is.

C-Commuting over two hours a day five days a week.

Well, you, you, you'd be surprised how much that rat race

takes out of a man.

So the fellas got the idea that, if, uh, you know,

it'd cut down on the ulcers if they kicked in

to share a place in town, that's all.

And the companion? The companion?

This blonde, twenty-fivish thing you advertised for.

Oh, the, the companion.

Well, actually, they really mean something more like a...

uh, a housekeeper.

For blonde housework?

Say, the rain's let up.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Me? No, no, no.

It's just that I, I sort of hate to take up your time.

Oh, well, I have lots of time.

Does your offer of that drink still hold?

Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, wo-wo-would you care to look around?

Uh-huh.

The, uh, bucket's practically empty.

I'd better get some more ice.

Do you need any help? No, thanks.

You, you know, actually,

I'm not going to wait around for the much longer.

Neither am I.

"Much longer."

You're, you're not waiting around to see them?

Oh, well, it, it isn't every day a girl gets a chance

to meet men who know how to share.

I mean really share.

Well, aren't you going to answer it?

Or shall I?

No. No. You, you wait here.

I'll answer it.

Now listen, fellas...

So he's on a train home, is he?

Men, we're bankrupt. Would you guys settle down...?

Oh, Fred, why didn't you just take a gun and shoot us.

I mean that sincerely.

That would be the open and honest thing to do.

All we wanna hear from you is how much we're stuck for.

Two hundred a month. What's the point in looking at it tonight?

Why don't we all catch the 8:02?

We can come back tomorrow when it's bright and early.

Wait. Did you say, "Two hundred a month"?

That's right.

But listen to me!

You did it. I don't believe it.

He did it!

Fred, you're the living end.

I don't believe it. He did it.

Where's the kitchen? I gotta look at the kitchen.

Uh, wait. Oh, come off it, Howie.

First things first. What? What?

The mattress works, man.

We've gotta have a look at the mattress works.

Two hundred a month.

Boys, look at... Yahoo!

It's almost like foam rubber.

Foam rubber? Yeah.

When you push it, it pushes back.

It sort of makes you feel wanted.

Hey, guys. Hi, George.

Come on. Keep your voices down.

Why? What for?

Well, you don't yell in a layout like this.

You whisper. It's more refined.

Personally, in a layout like this, I yell.

Hey, fellas. Come here. Get a load of this.

This place makes me feel so completely uncensored.

I'm gonna buy me a tub of perfume.

Nymph perfume. That's right,

Nymph perfume. And I'm gonna atomize the joint.

Will you please keep your voices down!

The girls are gonna get a real boot out of this place.

The who?

Your wives.

It's gonna be great for them.

Uh, a place to freshen up when you come in to the theater.

Or they, they can take a cat nap when they come in to shop.

What?

Fuzzy thinking, Fred. You've got to watch that fuzzy thinking.

Right, Doug? Right.

You know, there's a place where they send fuzzy thinkers.

Now, you don't want to go to the fuzzy place, do you, Fred?

Come on, lay off him, fellas.

Let's admit it. It took a genius to find this place.

Right! Now, we've got to put that genius to work

on one more little job.

Right. Our companion.

Oh, oh come on, fellas. Now, let's not go into

the details right now, huh?

Just a small detail, Fred.

One warm, delectable, luscious, juicy blonde.

Hello, boys.

I'm Cathy.

When would you like me to begin?

Why don't you zombies come back to earth?

Oh, I don't wanna come down too fast.

I'm liable to get the bends.

Look at me, an accountant with a secret life.

I don't even know if it's spelled with a C or a K.

Accountant?

No, dummy. Cathy.

Hey, you know something? She never even discussed money.

Yeah. I don't like that.

It's, uh, it's not natural.

What's so \x22not natural\x22 about it?

Oh, uh, a thing like that ought to be, uh, settled first.

Just so there's, uh, no kick back later on.

Maybe she doesn't care about money.

Maybe she likes us.

I must say, she showed an awful lot of interest in me.

In you? What about me?

like we were buddies from way back when.

Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. Yes.

When, when she said she wanted to get to know us,

I felt that she really meant it.

I'm still worried about the money.

W-We're likeable, but, uh, not that likeable.

No, Doug, no. No, it's not always a question of money.

It's a question of attitude.

What does life have to offer?

Different people look for different values.

There are any number of countries, for example,

where the

...primarily for their health.

Oh, yes, Dr. Prokosch, it's exactly what I need.

Four men.

Jealous?

Oh, well, really, doctor. That's not my problem.

Look, guys, let's be practical.

There are certain...

organizational matters to take up.

Meaning what?

We've got a lot of... wires here.

Let's see if we can't figure out a way

to keep them from getting crossed.

Yeah, that is a problem.

Well, now, who can stay in town on Monday nights?

I can! I can!

Look, fellas, let's be fair.

We all owe a great debt of gratitude to Fred.

\x22Little League\x22?

This is Big League stuff, baby.

Night games.

I-I have to show.

It's my only community activity, besides drinking.

Okay. We'll straighten that out later.

Right now, we've got more immediate problems.

Such as? Such as,

why we're breaking up the night out. Right.

That'll explain all of us.

Now, we need one more good story that'll explain each of us.

Right. Uh-huh.

Not \x22one good story.\x22 Four different stories.

Right.

Not four. Three.

Okay, three.

Fellas, it strikes me

that we should get back to the original problem.

It just struck me suddenly that the boys don't offer me

any intellectual... Stimulation?

I was wondering when you were going to realize that.

Besides, there's something positively...

Drab. ...Yes.

About an organized Thursday night.

So, you'll be coming home every night now?

Well, not every night, I've signed up for a seminar

on creative copywriting at the New School for Social Research.

Oh? What night?

Monday.

Foreign words allowed?

Sure. There.

Mentiroso.

Mentiroso? What's that?

Very good.

No, it's true.

They just don't give me any... intellectual stimulation.

Of course not, dear.

What'll you do in town all by yourself?

Well, the boss thought I ought to sign up for a course

in Creative Investment

Ah, I'm sorry it's not Monday.

Me too.

Refill?

Please, dear.

How much is this, uh, Creative Investment going to cost?

Oh, about, uh, 38 dollars.

A week, if Fred chips in.

And even Fred. The fellas just didn't give me any...

intellectual stimulation.

I could have told you that.

So I signed up for a course in Creative Accounting

at the New School for Social Research.

\x22Creative Accounting\x22?

Yeah. So, uh, I'll be staying in town alone on Wednesday nights.

Howie, don't just stand there.

Take that water pistol away from Joey.

Okay. Let's have that rod, Petrelli.

Howard, must you make all gangsters Italian?

That's Cagney. He's not Italian.

What's for dessert, Mom?

Chocolate-covered creampuffs, dear.

Great! For the children.

Yogurt for us. Be ready in five minutes.

Yogurt again.

Hey, Pop,

is that why you're staying in town on Wednesday night?

To get yourself a cream puff?

Well.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I think it's insane.

Cathy, idiot.

How did you get yourself in such a situation?

Just lucky, I guess. Please.

With my students I make jokes.

With the professor students don't make jokes,

especially when I'm angry.

But, Dr. Prokosch, you're not being scientific.

You're being emotional.

I'm outraged. I'm furious.

I'm not being emotional. Emotional is when you cry.

Sorry, Dr. Prokosch. More coffee?

No. Me, you won't twist around your finger.

Not with coffee, not with smiles.

Not with tears.

You'll have to use logic.

Alright. Logic.

Here is a whole semester's work.

Two hundred questionnaires on the adolescent sexual fantasies

of the adult suburban male.

And they're all useless.

\x22Useless\x22?

How can you write a thesis without facts?

Facts?

This, doctor, is fiction.

When it comes to sex, men don't even tell themselves the truth.

And you expect them to tell me?

Two hundred of the greatest lovers in the world.

And they all live in Scarsdale.

So, how do you get the facts?

Like any other scientist. In the laboratory, here.

You call this love nest the scientific laboratory?

Your book on the social adaptability of the chimpanzee,

was that scientific?

Well, of course. A remarkable work.

Of course. Of course!

And how did you do your research?

Did you interview a thousand chimpanzees?

No, but... No, you worked

with four chimpanzees.

You ate with them.

But, with the chimpanzees I was safe.

I'll be safe, believe me.

But how can you be sure? No, no, no.

No, Cathy. No, no, no.

But it isn't. It really isn't. I've met these men.

In a half hour, I learned their whole life histories.

Whether wide-eyed kids

or dreamed of being locked in a candy store.

And eating their way out.

Scientifically speaking, a love nest is not a candy bar.

Every book, every magazine, every ad, every movie they see,

it's like...

Well, they forget that sex is just one small aspect of life.

Two point six percent.

The whole thing is a, a fantasy.

Why, they don't really want this adventure.

They've been sold that they're supposed to want it.

Then how do you explain the population explosion?

I am not talking about what happens to them at home.

To them, I'm just a...

...a status symbol.

Like a sports car.

And my thesis deals with...

Oh, excuse me, doctor.

Hello?

Who?

Fred Williams?

Oh, Fred Williams. I'm sorry.

I, uh, didn't expect to hear from you so soon.

Well, yes, I'll be alone, but, uh, I am rather tired.

Oh, well, if you're in the neighborhood.

Alright, Fred.

Till later.

So, it begins.

It begins.

No, Cathy, no. It won't work.

You're a student, a sociologist, not a, a courtesan.

Don't you think I can be attractive enough?

That's not the problem. The opposite.

Can you look like \x22yes\x22 and act like \x22no\x22?

Can you entice them, lure them, then postpone, evade, delay?

It needs a special kind of experience and skill.

This a nice girl hasn't learned.

No?

This is what a nice girl has learned best!

It's all roses, now.

It's not too bad.

It's all roses now, but...

how long before you, you sit alone and rejected,

taking refuge in your fifth of gin?

Sit down, Fred.

I'm getting all worn out just watching you.

I didn't come here to sit.

Maybe you'd like to, uh, stretch out.

Well, I'm stretched out right now.

Vertically.

Do you know where all of this is going to lead?

You're going to end up in some dingy, third-rate hotel room

trying to squeeze some comfort out of a bottle.

Please, Cathy, there's still time.

Pack your things, and get out of this place.

But why? I'm comfortable.

The apartment is lovely, and the boys are all aces.

Facts are facts, Cathy!

Without a home and family, what is there...?

Fred....in life?

Did anyone ever tell you, you talk too much?

It's all roses, now, Cathy.

Isn't it?

Yeah, I-I came here to keep you from this.

And, from...this?

Yes. And this.

Anything else you want to keep me from?

Yes.

This.

Fred?

Do you believe in fair employment practices?

Do you have to know this minute?

Oh, please. Do you?

Yes. I do.

Then, I do too.

Oh, you and I shouldn't be doing this now, Fred.

That's true.

It is Sunday.

Yeah, me too.

And everybody deserves a day...off!

I wasn't even supposed to move in until tomorrow.

But, but, Cathy.

And, you do want to be fair, don't you, Fred?

Be fair? Oh, sure.

Sure! Yes.

Well, I only came over today, because...

You understand, don't you, Cathy?

Uh, I certainly do!

It was nice of you to give up your Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Will I see you tomorrow?

No. George is tomorrow.

Tuesday?

Tuesday is Doug.

Which is your day, Fred?

Mine? I don't have a day.

Which day don't you have?

Thursday!

That's nice.

Thursday will be here before you know it.

Yeah.

Right after Monday, Tuesday and...Wednesday.

What do you think about the knot, Howie?

A little too large.

Large knots are tacky, George,

Ah, George, George. Put your arm out.

Yeah, the other arm too.

Oh, you're showing a little too much cuff!

There. Now, you'll be alright,

as long as you don't move.

What do you think, Fred?

How do I look to you?

There's a little tattletale gray in your cheeks.

Don't try to shake my confidence.

Remember, men, I'm sort of... I'm an ambassador tonight.

In a sense, I represent all of us.

Well, how about another round, Mr. Ambassador?

No, thanks. You gentlemen just go ahead and drown your envy.

I'll run along and present my credentials.

In twenty minutes, he'll be saying "Hello, Cathy!"

It's 5:48 now.

Well, you've got to give them some time

for drinks and then dinner and...

What'll you be doing at 9:30?

Watching television, with tears in my eyes.

Me?

I'll be weeping at another network.

One, two, three, four. Testing. Testing!

It's not the same man as yesterday.

Why don't you put up a time clock and make them sign in?

Well, then, maybe you don't care

what happens to property values, but I do!

Look how guilty he's acting!

It's even worse than when Orchid lived there.

George?

Hello, you.

Champagne, my dear.

Is it in order?

Champagne is always in order.

The chill is still on it.

Shall we have some now?

I'll get the glasses.

Allow me.

Oh, no. You just relax.

The music. It seems to go with you.

I mean that sincerely.

It goes with us.

I'd love it.

Isn't it wonderful, having the whole evening ahead of us?

The whole evening until about 11.

The last decent train home is 11:35.

Ah, well, still gives us lots of time.

You have such a lovely shoulder, Cathy.

I mean that sincerely.

You ever been told that? That you have a lovely neck?

Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years.

Wonderful, a fabulous nape.

Ever since I was a little kid,

I've been kinda funny for neck napes.

George, you must have been a, a fascinating child.

comme ci comme ca.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure you were.

Why don't you tell me a little something...

about your childhood?

Well, I, um...

I didn't exactly come here to talk, Cathy.

Oh, but I know that, but everything will be so much nicer

when we...really get to know each other.

\x22I mean that sincerely.\x22

Well, I won't bother you with a lot of needless details, Cathy.

Let's just say that I was born...

on a Tuesday at 3:25 p.m.

in the bedroom of a two-story, wooden frame house

in Teaneck, New Jersey.

The date, the date was March 7th, 1927.

I knew that was going to happen.

Yeah. So did I.

This was my first job.

My first job!

Well, the boss figured I was just a kid

and I wouldn't know which end was...

that's fine, thanks ...up!

But when I found out that he expected a kickback

on my commissions.

My commissions!

I told him a thing or two!

I said, "Look, I may be just a kid,

but nobody, I mean nobody, pushes me around!"

From that time on...

he was in the palm of my hand.

I could have had anything I wanted from him.

And you know why?

Because even though...

Sorry, Cathy, I've only got fifteen minutes

to catch the 11:35.

Oh, it's a shame.

I could listen to you talk all night long.

Say, about that, Cathy. Huh?

Wrong idea?

Yeah, if they knew all I did was

that I didn't...

Yes, George?

That all I did was talk!

Oh, that's something that no one will ever know,

except you and me.

Will you stop yawning? It's repulsive.

Get off his back, Fred.

The boy had a big night.

Right, George? Hmmm-hmmm.

Was it, really?

Anything you wanna tell me, you think I ought to know?

At your age?

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on, guys. You gonna play bridge?

Hey, what's eating you today?

You know something?

I don't think that Fred exactly loves me this morning.

As a matter of fact, I hate you this morning.

You hated George yesterday.

Today, it's Doug.

You gonna hate me tomorrow?

I'm getting an early start.

I hate you now.

I knew three brothers, once,

who were dating the same girl.

Until that time, they were the most devoted,

wonderful group of guys you'd ever want to know.

The oldest one was the best looking.

But, the younger one was...

...into an early grave.

What a terrible way to go!

Hello, Cathy.

Hi.

For you.

They're lovely, Doug.

I tried to get flowers appropriate to the occasion.

Here let me put one in your hair.

Oh, no.

No, here's where it belongs.

There. Now, how about some music?

Which would you like,

\x22The Love Death\x22 from Tristan,

or the Romeo and Juliet overture?

Play the \x22Love Death.\x22

I'm in a love death mood.

Uh-huh. I know what you mean.

Oh!

Wouldn't you know it?

And I bought those records just for tonight.

Let me have a look.

Maybe I can fix it.

Oh, could you, Doug?

Well, that would be wonderful.

Just leave it to me.

All fixed.

Marvelous, Doug.

Sounds great, doesn't it?

Doug, you're wonderful.

Do you know anything about garbage disposals?

Garbage disposals?

Hi, Howard!

Sweets to the sweet!

Hmmm-hmmm. Thank you.

That's the gooey assortment.

Do you dig goo?

I dig it the most.

Yeah? Me too.

I hope you'll forgive the way I'm dressed.

I think you look wonderful.

Something came over me today and I just had to cook!

Cook?! Uh-huh.

You don't mind if we eat in tonight?

Mind? Not at all.

You made all this yourself? Uh-huh.

I love to cook!

Sometimes I even dream about food. Do you?

Often! It can be pretty frightening.

Once in a dream I murdered my boy, Joey,

over some peanut brittle.

You shouldn't let dreams frighten you.

Rotten kid! He wanted the whole piece.

My! That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

Flatterer!

I- I'm not dreaming now, am I?

This is real, isn't it?

I mean really real?

Why don't you pinch it and see?

It's 10:40 already.

The night certainly went by quickly.

I was just wondering, Cathy, if you and I, if we...

Yes, Howard?

If we hurried, Cathy,

do you think we'd still have time for a chocolate malted?

A chocolate malted?

Was I right about the suburban male?

Careful! Careful!

You are making dangerous generalizations.

Four men prove nothing.

A chocolate malted?

Four men or four thousand, doctor,

the pattern's always the same.

Trust me.

You I trust.

I don't trust Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

You've heard those tapes.

What could possibly happen?

One fine day, young lady, Monday will come on Monday,

and so will Tuesday.

I doubt it.

I didn't hear Thursday on that tape machine.

Thursday records tonight.

What is he like, this Thursday?

Oh, like the others.

A little bigger. Maybe a little handsomer.

Eyes?

Brown.

Hair?

Black.

Distinguishing marks?

Cute little mole under the left ear.

Tell me, Cathy,

what color are Wednesday's eyes?

Wednesday's eyes are...

Well, what difference does that make?

Oh?

Wednesday was there on Wednesday.

Thursday was there last Sunday.

Yet, you remember last Sunday's Thursday

better than yesterday's Wednesday.

Interesting, no?

Roll you for the tab, Mr. Slattery?

Why not?

Say, you look like the guy who just missed the last ferry

out of Devil's Island.

What's the matter? No date?

Oh, I've got a date, alright,

but every time I look at her,

all I see is trouble.

Close your eyes. What?

Close your eyes and anything goes away.

Not three guys I know.

They won't go away.

Oh?

Three five.

So you don't have a clear track?

Clear track?

I'm practically in the Grand Central Switchyard.

I'm fresh out of crying towels, Mr. Williams.

You lose.

I'm not getting much sympathy around here tonight.

Sympathy won't get you any place.

What you've gotta do is try and throw a switch or two.

Maybe I'll do just that, Mr. Slattery.

As my sainted mother used to say,

\x22If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.\x22

Hello, Fred. Hi, Cathy.

For a while, I thought I was being stood up.

And that hasn't happened to me since high school.

That figures.

I made some martinis.

Would you like one?

No, thanks.

We're going to vary the routine tonight.

The routine?

All the preliminaries, the small talk,

the drinks, you know.

Sit down, Fred.

Tell me, what's been happening since the last time I saw you?

Well, why waste time?

Waste?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry the evening's gonna be so short.

Short?

Who said it?

You do have to catch the 11:35, don't you?

Why?

Aren't there any beds in this place?

Appalling.

I can't look. I just can't look.

Force yourself.

Fred Williams, you stop that this instant.

Why? Did you quit your job?

Don't you dare talk to me like that!

Like what?

Do you think that you can just charge in here

and throw your weight around

without so much as saying good evening?

Good evening.

Oh!

Good night!

It wasn't even our anniversary!

George too?

That's funny!

On Wednesday, Doug told me he loved me.

Without the slightest provocation!

How are things at your house, Joanne?

Oh, all sweetness and light.

On Thursday, Howie took me in his arms and called me

Oogums.

Ugh!

Who the devil is that?

Ethel!

What in the world are you doing here?

When I was in college,

I had a boyfriend from Sweden,

and a Swedish massage always revives fond memories.

What's all this nonsense about guilty consciences?

I didn't mean to upset you.

Now, what could Howie possibly have on his conscience?

A woman. What else?

A woman. That's incredulous.

My late husband was incredulous four times

that I know of.

Ethel, don't be absurd.

You know the boys.

Especially Doug.

Don't pay any attention to me.

I've got a suspicious nature.

When Geoffrey told me he loved me

in the middle of the week,

I made a bee-line to Ernest Bohannon.

The best private eye since Sherlock Spade.

And Howie?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, of course it is. Of course it is.

without consulting me first.

Oh, Ethel, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I am, a little...

And George with another woman?

The idea's absolutely ludicrous.

I trust George to the end of the earth.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

Yes. I would like...

Well, hello.

Gosh, Marge, I didn't expect...

To see me here?

No. Yes.

Our dinner service has been disappearing.

I don't trust George either.

It's not that I don't trust Howie,

but last night, he was singin' in the shower.

Put yourself in my hands,

I guarantee complete satisfaction.

Thank you, Mr. Bohannon.

Hi, Toni.

Hello, Marge. Joanne.

I was just... Yeah. Me too.

Girls, what do you say?

Shall we work out a package deal?

Good night.

Got a light?

After you. After you.

Ah, don't worry about the grease.

It'll come off in a couple of days.

Well, I hope so.

Thanks for everything, Doug.

Good night.

You have a blond hair on your jacket, sir.

Must be my dog.

Your blond dog?

Golden retriever.

Golden re...?

That's a good one.

Can I get you anything else?

Oh, not a thing. Not a single thing.

It's all fixed, lady.

What's all fixed?

Air conditioner in the bedroom.

Hope I didn't disturb you and your hubby.

Good night.

I wouldn't trust that character

with any air conditioner of mine.

He's got feet like a cop.

This Wednesday is amazing.

If you listen closely,

you can hear all eight sinus passages.

Now, don't you agree I'm making progress?

If snoring is progress, yes. Otherwise...

You heard the tapes. You've seen my notes.

There's a definite pattern emerging.

Half a pattern. Why only half?

Cathy, to study a man who leads a life away from home,

you must learn something about the home

from which he leads it away from.

Their homes?

Well, I don't want to meet their wives.

That's up to you.

Only, remember, there are two sides to every pillow.

When it comes to sex,

men can't keep from lying

and women can't keep from telling the truth.

I don't know which is worse.

Yes?

Good afternoon, Mrs. Jackson.

I'm doing a sociological survey

on the sexual patterns of the suburban male.

You mean something like the Kinsey report?

Well, a little.

I wonder if you'd object to answering a few questions.

Is that all the paper you've got?

As you know, it's a scientific survey dealing

with very intimate matters.

Yes, I've read some of them. Wow!

I know.

You don't mind if I ask you

some highly personal questions.

Well, it isn't every day a girl gets a chance

to talk about science.

I have here a list of twenty basic questions.

Okay, fire away.

Some of them may prove a bit embarrassing.

Well we'll see who blushes first.

But, you don't understand, Mr. Slattery,

this guy's all tied up in knots.

He's really hooked on the girl.

Why butt in, Mr. Williams?

Well, what would you do if a close friend

of yours was carrying a torch

for a girl who was acting like a tramp?

How bad is he hooked?

About as bad as you can get.

but when he remembers the girl, he forgets the score.

He just stops thinking!

Some guys use their heads, some guy just plunge.

that one method is any better than the other.

Maybe, but with a girl like that,

what kind of a chance has he got?

I'll tell you a secret, Mr. Williams,

you take any guy and gal in the world,

shake 'em up, throw.

Now, if your friend really feels

like you say about this girl,

his odds are no worse than anybody else's.

Oh, I don't know. I just don't know.

Better give me a refill, Mr. Slattery.

One thing sure, your friend's not gonna be happy

until he gets off the dime.

You might also tell him to lay off the sauce.

You know something, Mr. Slattery?

You know something, Mr. Slattery.

Hi, Cathy.

Hello.

May I come in?

By all means. My house is your house.

Cathy, I...

Would you like to do a little door slamming now?

Or would you prefer to wait?

I want to explain about that.

Something got into me.

Probably a martini.

No, it wasn't a martini.

Cathy, don't you have any idea why I'm here?

Of course. You came to deliver the sermon of the week.

No. I've got something on my mind.

May I have a drink?

I was waiting for that.

Help yourself.

You always seem to need a drink

before you talk to me, don't you?

For what I have to say now, yes.

Where's the ice?

In the refrigerator.

Whistle. Maybe it'll come to you.

Oh, forget the whole thing.

I shouldn't have come here at all.

Why? We made a bargain. I keep my part of it.

I don't like being just part of a bargain.

Fred, wait a minute.

I didn't mean it.

I'm glad you came.

Let me get you some ice?

No, thanks. I don't need a drink now.

Cathy, I- I just can't figure you out.

I know you're one kind of person,

What makes you think so?

Well, it- it's not what I think.

It's what I feel about you.

What kind of person are you really?

I'm all mixed up.

I like you, Cathy.

I like you very much.

But I just don't know.

Well, you should know.

Fred, look at me.

If you really feel that way,

you shouldn't have to ask me anything.

Then, how am I supposed to find out?

Well, certainly not by slamming the door in my face, Fred.

It wasn't exactly in your face.

I was standing in the doorway and...

Please, Cathy, it's over and done.

the very first time I came up here.

I went out of my way to talk some sense

into that head of yours and I got nowhere fast.

You walked in here like Elmer Gantry,

and in five minutes,

I was fighting you off that chair.

You were fighting me?

That's a laugh.

I got off of that chair under my own steam.

Huh. And you had plenty of it.

That's right. After I saw what I was dealing with.

I said what I was dealing with.

Why, you self-righteous hypocrite.

Do you know what you are?

You're nothing but a self-righteous hypocrite!

And this time, I'll slam the door on you.

Well, we'll see who gets the last slam.

Hello? And please tell me it's Fred.

Did you get the flowers?

And they're beautiful.

Even delivered at 8:00 in the morning.

What are you doing tonight?

Whatever you want to do.

That problem's solved.

How about Saturday?

I'm in the mood to take orders.

Great.

Catch the 9:30 to Greenwich.

I'll meet you at the station.

Be there early. I may fly.

There's no plane to Greenwich.

Who needs planes?

Fred? Fred?

Greenwich?

If I'd have known, I'd have worn my bloomers.

Forgot to tell you.

We're having a little league game this morning. Uh-huh.

I'm the manager.

Who'll be there? Just the two of us?

Plus a few mothers and fathers and kissin' cousins.

Fred, don't you think that maybe...? Don't worry.

It'll only take an hour or so.

We'll have the rest of the day to ourselves.

It's a very important game.

We're battling it out for sixth place.

Alright, gang, we're getting two.

Fire away, Mike.

Come on, everybody play, Mike.

Joey looks sharp, doesn't he, honey?

Yeah. His fast ball's comin' in real good.

Gosh, I sure hope Fred uses him today.

Oh, he will, honey. Joey's comin' on real strong.

Last week he pitched a 14 hitter.

Looks as though Fred's gonna go with Joey McElhenny.

What kind of stuff has he got?

See that slow ball he just dropped in there?

That's his fast ball.

Look at that, right over the plate on only one bounce.

Look out, Mike.

Say, who's that girl with Fred?

Fred? Fred who?

Look. Something very familiar about her face.

Ever met her before?

Never saw her before in my life.

What girl? I don't see any girl.

Of course, that's the girl who interviewed me the other day.

About what, Joanne?

Nothin' important.

Sex.

That's nice.

Would you excuse us, please?

What's the matter, Doug?

I'll be back in a minute.

I've got to make a phone call.

A phone call?

What do you expect me to say in public?

How about the line-up?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Conference time.

I gotta determine the line-up.

Right now.

Don't make a scene, everybody's watchin'.

On a commission basis?

Couldn't find dynamite instead?

I hate to upset you guys.

Cathy's with me.

I don't have to apologize.

Mr. Williams. Yeah, Joey.

Oh, hi, Pop.

Mr. Williams, umpire wants the line-up.

Oh, yeah. Alright.

You bet. Be seein' you, Pop.

Probably on alternate weekends.

It's gonna be your fault.

Haven't you got any sense?

You've gotta get her out of here! Wait a minute.

Wait? Everything's about to blow sky high.

You wanna live dangerously. But count us out.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Counting you out. All three of you.

What?

I'm gonna ask Cathy to marry me.

I got it.

...to think it out.

I have thought it out

and I know exactly what I'm doing.

Thought? You call that thought?

I think you're crazy.

There comes a time in every man's life

when he has to disregard the opinions of others

and do what he feels in his own heart is right.

Go back. Go back.

Have you gone out of your ever-lovin' mind?

You can't do this.

Who's gonna stop me?

I am. I'm not gonna stand by and watch you ruin your life.

Fred, baby, how are you gonna feel about us?

How are you gonna be able to look us all in the face?

It's no problem, boys. You're off the list.

Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams.

They're hitting Joey all over the place.

I'll be right there.

We're in bad trouble, Mr. Williams.

The game just started.

I know, but they've got two men on base.

Look, fellas, I gotta go out there. They need me.

No, you don't.

Mr. Williams, they've got three men on base.

Alright, tell them I'm coming.

You better get out there.

Shut up, Howie.

Fred, I'm begging you.

Mr. Williams.

The catcher's crying!

Joey! Keep fighting!

Joey, stay in there, boy.

You go back out there, Seymour. I'll be right with you, huh?

We're gonna keep you from this if we have to tie you down.

I wouldn't try it. Now, look,

Cathy and I we'll be living in New York.

Fred, you can't keep this kind of thing a secret.

What'll you tell your mother? What will people say?

That's enough, George.

Can't you just hear the minister.

Congratulations, Mrs. Williams.

And what did you do before you met Fred?

Don't do it, Fred. I impede you as one of your oldest friends.

My mind's made up.

Oh, don't do it, Fred. Please, don't.

Don't take Joey out. Let him pitch his way out of this jam.

Yahoo!

Don't you think we ought to get in out of the rain?

Why? This is the most romantic spot in town.

How about the dugout?

And the car?

What are we, a couple of teenagers?

Did you know it was gonna rain today?

Sort of. Of course, when I knew you were coming,

I didn't think it would dare.

Then, the game doesn't count, does it?

No. Rain washed everything out.

Next time they get to start all over?

With no score.

A pretty good break for you.

It's a good break for both of us.

That's what we're gonna do.

What do you mean?

Start all over. With no score.

Fred, there's something I should've told you long.

After we get married, I don't think we'll live with Mom.

What else?

With everything that you think about me,

you still want to marry me?

I told you it was all rained out.

There's something I have to tell you

I never heard of 'em.

No, Fred, please listen to me.

They're details that you really ought to know.

No, no. No details.

The evenings that I spent with George and Doug and Howie...

...they just...

I can't believe it.

You mean there's more?

Oh yes.

Since all 3 cats were playing on the same back fence,

Bully for you.

Oh, no. No. You ladies will reap the rewards.

I have given you each a 25 percent discount.

This will apply to all future charges.

Wire taps, photos, the other evidence

I can't pay this out of my allowance.

I certainly can't show this to Doug.

I don't think you ladies have looked closely enough.

Girls, I know how you feel. But you mustn't do anything foolish.

Don't worry, I won't.

I'm going to go and get me the best divorce lawyer in town.

Won't he be terribly expensive?

All I want is a reasonable settlement.

Alimony, the house, the station wagon, the power tools...

Now you're talking.

and then make them suffer?

Never. Not in a million years.

You can lose an arm like that, dear.

He was a nothing when I met him.

I molded him.

And there I was drinking Metrecal for a monster.

Next week is our anniversary.

I was going to give him the loveliest handbag to give me.

Catch me giving him an alligator handbag now.

Pretty depressing.

Yeah.

Fred's one guy I thought would be my friend for life.

It's not the same old train,

and it's not the same old saloon without him.

Oh, he'll get over it. Just wait and see.

You saw the way he walked by us on the train and sat by himself.

Yeah, that busts up the bridge game among other things.

No, it doesn't. I told you old Fred wouldn't bear a grudge.

Let bygones be bygones.

It's alright with me.

Glad to see you, Fred. Pull up a glass.

Let's get to the point, eh?

Here's a balance sheet for each of you.

I've pro-rated the expenses, the rent, liquor, utilities.

You can mail me your checks at your earliest convenience.

You sound like you're trying to buy back your introduction.

That's it. In view of past history,

I don't think Cathy and I will be seeing any of you again.

Ah, don't say that, Fred.

You're not gonna let a dame like that bust up a friendship?

Dame like what?

Well, gee, Fred. You know, a dame who...

That does it. Stand up Buster.

I am standing up.

If you had any guts, you'd be taller.

Fred, wait. Where are you going?

I have to get some air. I got to walk off some of this charge

before I meet \x22that dame.\x22

If you guys are smart, you won't cross my path again. Or hers.

Gee.

Sit down, Howie. It's okay.

I am sitting down.

Oh.

That display was a little uncalled for.

Everybody's staring at us. Let's go sit down, eh?

Boy, did you ever see a guy so hot under the collar?

We're the ones who should be sore.

He's ruining a perfect setup for us.

You know, the more I think about it, the luckier we are.

Lucky?

If Joanne ever got wind of it,

how could I ever convince her that I never even...

Hmm?

That you never even what, Howie?

No-nothing. Nothing.

Just a moment.

We like whole sentences, don't we, George?

Mmm.

Never even what, Howie?

Knock it off.

Now come on.

We're practically next of kin.

Okay, what with the way Joanne's been starving me,

skipping lunches to get up my share of the split,

by the time I got to Cathy's, all I was was hungry.

Look, I don't care what you guys think.

She always struck me as a girl who deserved something better.

Better than you?

No, better than you. Better than me, too come to think of it.

I haven't liked any of us much the past couple of weeks.

Sit down, cousin.

You and me, both. Finish your drink.

You either? But, on the train, you said...

I didn't say a thing. I can't help the way you guys listen.

Oh brother.

What a pair of swingers you guys turned out to be.

Okay, so I'm a square with an old-fashioned sense of guilt.

No offense, George,

but you're not the most sensitive guy in the world.

What do you mean? What do you mean, I'm not sensitive?

Well, the way you've been talking.

You're not the only one who can't help how people listen.

It so happens that I'm just as sensitive as you are.

Hard to imagine the children fatherless.

Especially at breakfast.

It's a strange thing about a monster.

You sort of get used to having it around the house.

Or should we go to that woman's place and scratch her eyes out?

Now, let's not make any snap decisions on an empty stomach.

Waitress. Waitress, darling, another round, please.

Are you sure, madam?

Madam is sure.

Madam is crocked.

Have you noticed how insolent the help has become lately?

Ever since the Kennedy's got in.

Hey, guys, it's getting around that time.

Wait a minute.

If Cathy's not a...

...if she's not that kind of a girl, what is she?

What do you mean?

Men, we're in trouble.

Trouble? What kind of trouble?

Well, if you were a girl on the make and you saw that pad,

what would you think of the guys that kept it?

That they were loaded.

Check, And if you thought they were rich and married,

what would you do with three ripe chumps?

Blackmail.

She even interviewed our wives.

That's a cool operator.

She must have a file on us three yards thick.

And Fred. He's in up to his chin.

And she's gonna make waves.

We've gotta save him.

We gotta save ourselves too.

Yeah. But how?

You can't blackmail without evidence, right?

We've got to go through that pad with a fine tooth comb.

Come on.

But that's illegal entry.

Illegal entry my foot it's our apartment

Before you do another thing,

I say you should go see that woman, face to face.

Right. And then what?

And then we'll scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. I can't sanction the shedding of blood.

Maybe we can have her arrested.

How?

For transporting men across the state line.

She didn't transport them. The New Haven Railroad did.

Well then, what about the apartment?

I mean, it's in a residential section.

Maybe we could get her on a zoning rap, mmm?

Okay. And then we can scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. Hold it. Hold it.

I've a much better idea. Waitress.

What are you doing, Ethel?

Waitress, would you bring me two olives and a cherry, please.

Two olives and a cherry?

Yes, my dear, on toothpicks.

Well, do you want them in something?

In the palm of your hand.

Ethel, what are you doing?

As long as you're going to see this woman,

we might just as well make the visit fruitful.

Oh.

We'll behave with dignity.

We'll simply tell her she cannot have all three men.

Uh, which one?

She has to return the two olives.

And she can keep the cherry.

I always did like olives.

Doug. Doug.

Well, hello.

Where's Fred?

What are you boys doing here?

Never mind. Where's Fred?

Well, he's not here yet.

Then, we're in time.

In time for what?

You'll find out. Let's go, fellas.

Disgraceful. Two men this time.

Uh, not two, three!

Children of Satan, repent, repent, repent.

Well, don't just sit there, Jason, do something.

I'm not just sitting here. I'm repenting.

Look at this, fellas, look. All kinds of notes.

A whole file on each one of us.

And a typewriter.

What's wrong with a typewriter?

Ha! She wants to know what's wrong with a typewriter.

Come to think of it, what is wrong with a typewriter?

In her line of work?

But we don't know for sure what her line of work is.

We do, now. Right.

And this is one shake-down she's not going to get away with.

A shake-down?

Yes. A shake-down.

Do you fellas actually think that I...?

This...is really too much.

Say, that's a very good piece of equipment.

What the devil is that?

Hey.

That's me.

Okay. That's the payoff. Get all the stuff together, Doug.

Just one moment. That material belongs to me.

Not any more, it doesn't. We're putting you out of business.

Doug, give that to me this instant. I need it.

Why? So you can bleed us all white?

And mess up the lives of 3 sweet innocent, unsuspecting women?

This is it, ladies.

This is just one tape. There's gotta be more.

Alright, Cathy, let's have the rest.

Stop being ridiculous, fella.

You're gonna play it tough, huh? Alright.

We know lots of ways of making you come across. Right, Doug?

Right. But, we won't use 'em unless we have to.

What ways, George?

A twist of the arm might help.

Here. Twist.

Here, Doug, you twist.

You twist.

It was your idea.

I thought I told you guys I didn't want you bothering Cathy.

Fred, don't be a sap. We're trying to save your skin.

Take your choice. Go out of here on your feet or on your head.

Don't... They think i'm trying to blackmale 'em!

Well, that's right. She is.

I ought to break all your necks.

Well, now look, Fred, figure it out for yourself.

Tape recording. She's got file folders on all of us.

She was even pumping our wives. This is a vicious dame, Fred.

You can't blame them for being suspicious.

Oh, i'm a lot more than suspicious.

Fred, she's got a typewriter.

George, i'm warning you.

Fred, don't. Wait.

I may as well confess. My thesis is ruined anyway.

You're what? My thesis.

I'm not a blackmailer, boys, honest.

I was merely doing post-graduate work in sociology.

They give degrees now in your line?

You expect us to believe that?

What's this so-called thesis all about?

Oh oh, well, you're not gonna like this.

It's called,

"Adolescent Sexual Fantasies in The Adult Suburban Male."

Oh, boy, does she have you guys figured out.

Us guys? Look who's talking.

Oh, boy, is this a load off my mind.

This-this-this could have blown sky-high at home.

And you figured that we had to save old Fred here,

from a fate worse than death.

What are old friends for?

Fred, only one thing to say and i say this in all sincerity,

congratulations, you lucky stiff.

You've not only got yourself a living doll...

Not to mention a great listener.

But a PhD in the bargain, and boy,

you can't hardly get them no more.

Alright, knock it off.

Fred? Well, what's the matter?

The matter? It's one thing for a girl to be - uh - to go wrong.

A guy'd have to be narrow-minded not to overlook that.

But to make me a miserable guinea pig,

to use a guy for an experiment.

To be a dirty, contemptible sociologist.

That's about as low as you can get.

Fred, i... Oh...

Now, see what you've gone and done.

Ah now, don't worry, Cathy. He's just a little upset.

Well, sure, honey, he'll be back in a moment, i guarantee it.

Good evening, Frederick.

Hi mom.

Hello, Fred.

What's he doing here? Must be in it with them.

Wait a minute, Playboy, where do you think you're going?

Frederick, you come along here with us!

Alright, Mom, but you're not going to like it.

There, now. Cathy won't wet any more tissues, will she?

What kind of economizing is that?

You see? Fred!

Fred, i'm so...

Well, if it isn't Elsie Kinsey of Sunnybrook Farm!

What are you doing here?

She works here.

I thought you were a sociologist.

She is.

What a sideline she's got going for her.

You know what she's done now?

Toss the tid-bit.

She sent out for more women.

Sounds like a sensible idea.

Hi, Marge.

Hi, Toni.

Hi, Oogums.

My maiden name is Joanne Freemantle. You monster.

So this is the new School for Social Research, is it, George?

This is a tax situation, darling.

It's too complicated to explain. Wait until i'm through...

Now, i know what you mean by Creative Accounting.

Toni, darling, what a pleasant surprise!

Don't hit. Please.

Please! It's a terribly lower-case thing to do!

This whole thing is a mistake!

You bet it was!

Nothing happened in this apartment. Not a thing!

Oh, Joanne, honey, can't we go home?

Home! What home, monster? Where do we have a home?

Greenwich, Connecticut, the Nutmeg State.

This is quite a classroom, isn't it?

Did you clap erasers for the teacher?

Sweetie, this is just circumstantial evidence.

Sweetie, that's all, it is.

Please. Doug and i only shook hands a couple of times.

That's all that happened.

That's right.

He never shook hands with me.

Marge. Cold cream.

Don't change the subject.

But, it's Nympth cold cream. I've been doing a survey.

You want a consumer's reaction? There.

Oogums! Never... never!

I only cooked him a couple of dinners.

Just dinners.

And a chocolate malted.

Gorging yourself, while i was living on Metrecal, you monster!

Marge, you're getting over-excited!

According to your campaign, it's a superior product!

Oh, Marge, you're losing status!

Oh, i'll status you!

Will somebody listen to me? Please listen to me!

Hello! Anybody home?

Oh, Dr. Prokosch! Will you do something?

Do something! Make them stop, please!

Well, this seems hardly possible.

I'm terribly sorry...

Feel its instant cleansing action.

You guys stop. Oh, Marge,

you're falling off the pedestal.

It is especially beneficial for thick skins.

Marge, i warn you. Don't knock the product.

This is the last straw. The day of retribution has arrived.

Do i dare heed the call? Do i dare?

You dare.

Quiet. Quiet. Silence.

You can just pack your things and move into a hotel.

Silence, while the Spokeslady is, uh, speaking.

My colleagues and i have discussed the problem,

and have arrived at a democratic and dignified solution.

We've desided we will throw you one of the men!

Hmmm. But, you gotta throw back the other two.

You can have him!

Me?

No one's giving me away.

Oh, Toni, you'll get over it.

Because Marge and i were olives.

Cathy doesn't want me, darling.

She doesn't?

What's the matter? Isn't he good enouph for you?

Make a muscle. Now, honey.

I don't want your men... any of them!

Th...this was simply a... a group expirement.

Well, let's scratch her eyes out,

as a group experiment.

I'll pick up this vase and brake it over your head.

Smashing up the place won't solve anything.

Let her hit me. Don't butt in.

Hold it.

Thank you.

A photographer. What a brilliant idea.

Why, Ernest Bohannan.

Mrs. Williams.

How do you manage to stay so young?

Aw, that's a professional secret.

You, sir, cringe a little to the right, please.

That's it, get between. That's evidence.

Let her alone, homewrecker!

That's not a nice way to put things.

Well, observe how nicely i put this vase.

Give me back that vase! It's imported!

You leave my friend alone!

Toni, don't!

Don't what?

Can we take that again? I couldn't get that shot.

Repent! Repent!

Oh, Fred, do something. Stop them.

You started it. You stop them.

Do something! Fred, do something!

Alright, i'll do something!

Oh, Fred, what's the matter with you!

Jezebel, what have you done to my boy?

Me? Why does he have to act like such an absolute beast? Ugh!

Well, how do you expect him to act when he's in love?

- In love? - What else?

Why did he smash your vase?

Wait! Where're you going?

To catch Thursday, and marry him!

Marry him? Are you out of your mind?

Do you want to end up like these people?

Yes. Exactly like them!

Fred. Wait! You've just got to listen to me, please!

What's the point? I've got the whole picture loud and clear.

No, but, you haven't. It's true, I was going to use you.

But, I just couldn't go through with it.

You were doing pretty good!

Lobby. floor. Watch your step, please.

I guess we ought to go back up, again.

I guess so. But, it's a lot nicer down here.

Lobby floor! This is the lobby floor!

Seven, please.

Cathy, We'll never be like them, will we?

Like them? Never in a million years!

Well, fellows, are we going to do anything tonight,

or do we catch the early train home?

Hey, how about that new pub down in the village?

I hear they got some great Dixieland.

Aw, there's too much smoke in those joints.

Come on, somebody, make up our minds!

I thought we already decided to go to the basketball game.

Right!

Why don't we just stop talking and go!

Yes. Yes.

How about it? Have we got a choice?

Here, you take this, Howie,

and we'll split it 4 ways, like we do.

Don't look now, but you'd better keep talking.

What?

But darling, a girl can't make a success on instinct, alone.

To understand a man, takes a lifetime of study.

Isn't it amazing how much post-graduate work goes on?

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