Original subtitles

(cameras clicking)

(midtempo rock music)

- I'm gonna be a movie star.

- [Jimmy] Well, that was the plan, at least.

My father said that mediocrity's for cunts.

- [Priest] We are gathered on this day to celebrate

the life of James Rupertson, Jimmy Starr.

- Jimmy Starr.

Oh, what a great name.

He could have gone far.

He could have been one of the greats, but he was just,

just too self destructive.

- And he was right.

♪ Nothin's gonna change how you stole my heart away ♪

- [Child] Chapter One: Starr Power.

- I was born James Rupertson on February 20th, 1989.

That's not a good name. That's a terrible name.

But tonight, I'm Jimmy Starr.

In the City of Angels and washed up prom queens,

I'm not just gonna be another pawn.

I'm gonna be Genghis fucking Khan.

'Cause there's war out here.

(cameras clicking) (paparazzi chattering)

In this day and age of social media,

you gotta be a media whore,

and I never had a problem being a whore.

Fame and fortunate are the American dream, right?

And the fact is, if you wanna make it out here,

you gotta be seen.

This room is filled with Insta-famous

Botox infested millennials from the Midwest,

with their heads full of Adderall

and their hearts full of hope.

Every time a grocery store clerk told a housewife mom

that her kid was special and beautiful

and should be on TV, their angry, meaningless

and empty lives were made whole

and the proverbial star was born.

Those kids, we're all here. (dramatic electronic music)

And your mom was right. Everyone here is on drugs.

If it's not something to fuck you up,

it's something to unfuck you up the next day.

(dramatic electronic music)

You see, you're only as famous

as you make people think you are.

(dramatic electronic music)

- Do you know him?

- [Jimmy] That's Deanna on the right

and that's uh, that's her wife, Valerie.

It's not easy getting in the VIP room.

Sometimes you just gotta pay your dues.

This girl right here made me smash her

in Jack Nicholson's bathroom.

- Johnny.

Just pull my fuckin' hair.

- I'm Jimmy Starr. I'm gonna fuck Los Angeles.

I'm gonna fuck it like I own it, because I will.

There's a fascination with staying hidden,

exclusivity and pretending like you don't

want the limelight, but it's all bullshit.

- Jimmy Starr?

Man, I saw you on "The Mentalist."

Oh man, I'm about your biggest fan in the whole world.

- Listen, man, I'm just trying to keep

a low profile tonight.

- Low profile, man?

This is about the luckiest day in my life.

- Listen, man- - That's Jimmy Starr!

- [Jimmy] I'm not trying to make any scene.

- A scene? (laughs)

Because you shoot scenes. - Sir.

- You're funny in real life, too.

- Sir, let's step outside. - That's Jimmy Starr.

- He's cool, he's cool.

- Sir. - What's your name, man?

- Wallace Winterly.

- Wallace Winterly? - Yeah.

- You want a picture?

- Yeah, of course. Absolutely.

Thank you.

Oh my God, this is getting-

- Let's take this for your mom.

- Oh, man.

Thank you, Jimmy Starr.

- Yeah no problem, man.

You take- - Golly.

- Okay, you can take him out.

- Sir, let's go outside. - Yeah, of course.

- [Bouncer] Come back later. Let's go.

- I love you, man.

- When anyone says they just go with the flow,

they're doomed to lose.

Winning life is about calculated choices.

You gotta get out there, engage, and sometimes...

Pieces get compromised.

Check out this hack.

He's Harrison Pounder.

It's hip to hire him and even hipper

to pretend like his movies make sense.

- Yeah.

- They don't.

He has ladder value and I want it.

Women are the best at this game.

Anyone who says anything different

is just fooling themselves.

- I like the way you handled that Midwesterner.

- Thank you.

I'm Jimmy Starr.

- I'll try two rosé.

- Now this is Rebecca Francis.

She's one of the busiest casting directors in town

doing two series and six movies right now.

Overworked, right?

And she's recently divorced.

Thank you.

- So "Mentalist," huh?

- Small role.

- There are no small roles, only small actors.

- Oh, I like that. (glasses clinking)

- Mm.

(women laughing)

- Have you met Harrison Pounder?

He's directing an indie I'm casting.

- A very niche film.

- I could bring you in for the lead.

- Took it over the top...

- So did you pick up on any "Mentalist" tricks?

What am I thinking?

- [Jimmy] Oh, I know what she's thinking.

♪ All you girls that wanna be a superstar ♪

♪ While you drive around the town in your daddy's car ♪

- Jimmy?

- I'm right here. I got you.

I got you.

Whoa. (Rebecca laughs)

You're wasted.

- I know.

- Listen, Becks, I like you, I really do.

But I think we should, you know, maybe take it slow?

- But I thought you wanted to come see

my view of the Hills, baby.

Come on, take me home and fuck me.

And hurry up.

I already told you you're perfect for the role.

Come in at 10. - Okay.

Hurry. - Knock it out.

(mountain lion growls)

- [Child] Chapter Two: Jimmy Starr Does Los Angeles.

(rock music)

- If only my father could see me now.

I never really knew my father.

He was a salesman. Sold Bibles.

They found him dead in a hotel room

murdered by a hooker he was banging.

Turns out the big book

was a great place to hide a shitload of cocaine.

We all know hookers love cocaine.

Wally just got to Hollywood, wants to be an actor someday.

But look at him.

That's how I was.

Well, I wasn't that bad.

Wally's like the Titanic, except a lot less important.

- Hey, Jimmy.

(Wallace chuckles)

They had me audition for a role, man.

- Wait, what?

What? You auditioned?

- Yeah. Isn't that great?

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, it was for a supporting role.

I was up in the lobby.

- What if Rebecca recognized you from last night?

Did you think about that?

I can't believe you'd take me like this, man.

- Right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jimmy. - Wow!

You don't even belong here, Wally.

Go back to Kansas, Dorothy.

Go fuckin'- - Jimmy, look, I'm sorry.

- Don't touch me. - I'm sorry, Jimmy.

- God.

I'm talking to a moron.

Here.

- Thank you, Jimmy.

Hey, do you have any Adderall you could sell me?

- No Adderall. - Just a little bit more?

- No.

- Hey, how'd I do last night?

Was it, like, perfect timing? - Not good, Wally.

Not good.

It was "CSI," douchetard, not "The Mentalist."

"The Mentalist" has been canceled for years now.

- Right. - Okay?

- Yeah. - We discussed it.

C-S-fucking-I.

There's a thousand "CSI's," Wally.

A thousand.

You could have said CSI Nebraska: Cheese-fuckin'-Unit,

she would've never questioned it.

- Look I'm sorry, Jimmy.

- No. Just please, please learn your lines next time.

- Bet, Jimmy. Thanks for giving me a shot, Jimmy.

- Fuck off! - Break a leg.

- Fuck you!

(Jimmy sighs)

(Jimmy clears throat)

So did you get my message?

- Fiona Paragon?

- Oh, that's me.

- Heard great things about you from Nathaniel.

Come on in. - Thank you, thank you.

- You are welcome.

- [Fiona] Hello.

I'm Fiona.

- [Woman] Hi, nice to meet you.

- If you love somebody, set them free.

Sting said that.

Fuck Sting.

♪ Don't try ♪

♪ If I don't ♪

I was a father for exactly one hour,

eight minutes and 22 seconds.

Fiona and I didn't make it, either.

- James.

- Hi, my name is Jimmy Starr

and I'm reading for the role of Romeo.

I have a dream...

That one day, my four little children,

that they'll live in the ghetto,

not to be judged by the color of their kicks...

Only to be judged by the contents on their phones.

(Jimmy sighs)

- Yeah. - James.

That was wow.

- [Aaron] Yeah.

- Tom Berenger.

"Platoon." - Yeah.

- Amen, brother.

(Jimmy sighs)

(Jimmy exhales deeply)

- It's exactly what I'm looking for.

- What is this role?

- Ready for it? - Yeah.

- "Afrikan Pie."

Urban twist on "American Pie."

See you play the white boyfriend

in this Romeo-Juliet taboo telenovela

with a twist of teen pop and,

I don't know, some torture porn feel to it.

A lot of shit like that.

- Whoa.

It's original. I like it.

- Yeah, you better.

- It's a funny, kind of sad,

actiony, romantic popcorn indie.

The classic futuristic modern feel-

- No, no, no, that's not it.

It's a fun Hollywood romp that's also,

and here's the brilliance of this man,

that's actually a darkly comedic character study

of a sociopathic narcissist

who has a ADD, BDP and is also addicted S-E-X.

- That's all of my qualities. - We're aiming high here.

- Imagine "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner,"

meets "Rosemary's Baby."

- No, no, no. It's "Rambo" meets "Gandhi."

- It's not that, white boy.

It's "Airplane" meets "Roots-"

- But in outer space.

- In space.

- And you're fired.

Get out. - Are you serious?

- You're okay with onscreen nudity, right?

- Uh...

- Kidding.

- Oh yeah, you know- - Because in the

throughs of passion with your Nubian goddess

while spore ships are crashing down around you,

I want you to know that the virus inside her-

- It's your baby. - Your baby.

- Yeah, so- - Cut me off again.

- And I'm sure, and that's of course

when the evil stepbrother, the white stepbrother, Ronaldo,

comes in with his thugs and carries you away,

torturing and maiming you.

- Right, you mentioned the torture porn,

which I think is pretty cool.

- It's a truly beautiful scene.

We have "Mighty Who's" Heffenbarger shooting it.

Heifa-Heffenbarger?

- Heintzelheffenbarger, but you were close.

It was good.

- I also loved the "Romeo and Juliet" aspect.

That was-

- Oh, we're gonna wax poetic

up in this shit. - Oh yeah.

Cool, yeah.

- Yeah. On that note, can you turn around?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Turn.

- Yeah, I just need you to face the wall.

- Turn my body? - Turn around, yes.

- Drop it. - Mm-hm.

In English.

Turn around means face the other way.

- Yeah, sure. - Drop your pants.

- Oh.

- Um...

Okay, so, yeah, the role requires

for you to have your anus bleached.

- Oh yeah, no, cool. I'm good with anything.

Wait.

Wait, what? - You would be on top

and your tight butt cheeks will be to the camera

and, um, cheeks spread.

- The studio wants diversity,

so we need you to be a white-ass cracker for this role.

We need you to be white.

Like white-white, from top to- - To bottom.

- To bottom.

- We don't want the audience to experience any...

- Discoloration.

- Discoloration or unpleasantness when viewing.

- It's a thing. - It's a thing.

- Yeah, it's a thing. (Jimmy chuckles)

- Okay.

The joke, I mean you guys are just kidding?

- Uh huh.

- [Rebecca] Hm?

♪ The chick is saved ♪

♪ Mama, the chick is saved ♪

♪ The chick is saved ♪

♪ Mama, the chick is saved ♪

♪ She said she should've been a princess ♪

♪ She should've been an heiress ♪

♪ An actress in a glamor shot ♪

♪ Give the girl ♪

- Okay.

I think I got it.

- What?

Man, that's amazing.

- We'll see, we'll see.

- [Wallace] Of course you did, Jimmy.

You know, Jimmy, I was thinking maybe

you should fake your own death.

- [Jimmy] Oh, wow, congratulations, Wally.

You have done it.

You've basically said

the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

- I'm just saying, that way you can become famous.

You know, like Tupac.

He put out way more records after he faked his own death.

- Oh, hello handsome devil. - Hey.

Lookin' all Tom Cruise-like.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Oh my gosh. - Oh, you're welcome.

- You guys look awesome.

- What? - Yeah.

- Who you? - No, this energy.

No.

- Can I get a selfie?

- Yeah, yeah. Hey, Wally, smile.

- [Redhead] I don't like this energy.

(all shouting)

- Back, back, back.

Ladies, back.

He's from Kansas.

- Oh. - So...

- Oh, oh. - Okay?

- Well that's unfortunate. - Can we get a selfie?

- Goddammit Wally, come on.

Wally, stay.

We're gonna walk this way

and you ladies are gonna enjoy your evening, okay?

Okay, Wally. - Fuckin' talk to your boy.

- Wally, walk.

- Motherfucker! - Oh, Jesus.

Run Wally, run, run, Wally.

- Bitch.

- I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker!

- Bitch!

- Fucked up my nails and shit.

- Oh, Kansas?

♪ 'Cause when I smell fake friends ♪

♪ Get attacked like gorillas ♪

♪ Running the thrilla ♪

♪ Silly raps as a killa ♪

♪ And I ain't ever ♪

- Don't touch anything.

- This is great. - Dude, don't touch anything.

- So when's our next mark?

When are you and I gonna meet again, huh?

Tonight? (phone ringing)

- Shut up.

It's my bro, let go. (phone ringing)

Cocksucker.

- I've told you not to call me that.

- Dude, how's Wendy?

How are the kids?

Where are you?

- I'm driving somewhere in the south.

I don't know how Wendy and the kids are.

I haven't talked to 'em in two days

because we're separated, so.

- God, I'm sorry to hear that.

When did we decide this?

- [Grant] We didn't decide shit.

It was completely her decision.

- [Jimmy] Get out, Wally.

- [Grant] I wasn't involved in the-

- God, that just sounds horrible.

I'm sorry, bro.

- She just decided she'd file for divorce

because she likes to fuck 25 year olds.

- So when you think she's gonna figure it out?

- [Grant] Figure what out?

- That you're a homo.

- I am not in the mood for your bullshit right now, man.

- Who's bullshitting?

Come on, when are you gonna tell the world

that you crave cock?

- You know what?

It'd be great for you for me

to be the black sheep for once, wouldn't it?

- [Jimmy] Calm down, bro.

I'm just fuckin' with you.

- Hey uh, bro, can I crash with you?

- Uh, yeah.

- Yes.

- ETA?

- Couple days-ish.

- Okay.

- Ah ha ha ha.

Bye.

(phone line beeps)

- [Wallace] So what's next?

- Oh Jesus Christ. You're still here?

- Well I got nowhere else to go.

- Wally, go get a job.

- Right. - Dude, change your clothes.

You stink. Go the fuck home.

- Can't go home.

- Why?

- I don't have one.

- What are you, like a bum?

- No, I just can't get a lease.

No credit.

- Well what about that motel that you live in?

How much you pay for that?

- About $100 a day.

That's $80 on Tuesdays and Wednesday, so.

- So you pay about $3,000 a month to live there?

- Yeah.

But, like, that includes like a vending machine,

full access to the pool

and I get a whole laundry facility, so, evens itself out.

- Wally, how do you pay for that?

- My parents.

- Your parents pay for it?

- Yeah.

(Wallace chuckles)

- I'll tell you what.

Look, for $3,000 a month, I'll agree to be your manager

and let you live here for free.

Wally, look at me. For free.

Look, I'll take you around, I'll take you to parties.

Do you like pussy?

- Yeah.

- I'll even let you be my number one fan

and member of my entourage.

- That money has to include my food, too.

- I'm strongly confident you'll figure it out, Wally.

Wally, stand up.

Wally, sit down. - Right.

- Wally, stand up. - Yeah.

- Wally, sit the fuck down. - Sorry.

- I need you to stop being such a fucking loser.

- Yeah. - Okay?

- Yeah. - Jesus Christ,

you're a fucking loser, Wally. - I'm sorry, Jimmy.

You know, I'm sorry.

I'm trying. - You're a rapist, Wally.

- No I'm not. - Oh, you're a rapist.

- I don't wanna rape anybody.

- You're a rapist.

- I am?

- You're gonna rape Los Angeles.

♪ It's been the ruin of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And God ♪

Once upon a time, an unknown actor named Robert de Niro

read for the role of Sonny in the first "Godfather."

It went to James Cann instead.

I can't let that happen again.

The casting director said, "There's nothing we can do.

Sorry, Jimmy, we need a name."

She said that Harrison loved me,

but that big shot producer, Brian Weintraub,

would never let me lead the film.

So much for discovering talent, huh?

So they've already made an offer out to Ryan Gosling.

Fuck that guy.

I'm way better looking.

And he's been in enough fuckin' movies.

So Brian Weintraub, here I come, baby,

like a drone headed for a Syrian village.

- Jimmy. - Katie.

(Katie chuckles) - That's a 20.

- I'm a starving artist.

- Well I'm an Easter bunny

poppin' golden eggs out of my vagina.

- And that would be a sight to see, huh?

- Yeah, it would.

Um, Jimmy, there is Brian over there, okay?

- [Jimmy] Okay.

- So he like Bushmills and there's a bar,

just remember that.

That's the Jimmy I know.

- Good girl. - Good boy.

- This may look like a social event,

but honestly, everyone here is doing business.

Make your connections in person,

socialize on social media.

You gotta control what people say, make your own fake news.

You ever wonder what happens to child actors

who don't OD when they grow up?

Well, here it is, folks.

- What up? - Yo, what up, stud?

- What up, pimp?

How you doin', kid? - I'm good, I'm good.

Wow, man.

How do you maintain all this?

- Yo, check it.

I own the copyright on the dollar symbol, son.

- Are you serious?

- No dumbass.

I'm slinging dope.

What? You think Weintraub's here for the ambiance?

No, but seriously, though, Jimmy,

I hope you got a backup plan

for when you burn out, Jimmy Starr.

Yes, all the puns intended. (chuckles)

No, but look, you know, I've been in this since what,

six years old?

Got out when I was 16.

Shit don't last forever.

You just need a product that'll always have demand.

- And what? I don't?

- Nah, man, it's bigger than dope.

Infamy.

Go get a drink. I got some shit to do.

- Well, at least he turned out

better than Macaulay Caulkin.

Infamy.

He has a point.

It's still fame, right?

- Hey, Jimmy.

(Wallace mumbling)

Jimmy Starr? Jimmy, I saw you on "CSI!"

- I done told you.

- [Wallace] You're-

(punch thuds) (party goers gasp)

- [Bouncer] Fuck outta here!

- [Wallace] Jimmy!

- [Bouncer] Let's go, fuckin' snowflake.

(Brian laughing) Caught you, motherfucker.

- [Wallace] Jimmy!

- [Jimmy] They call it show business for a reason.

So why not show 'em what they wanna see?

- Goddamn sycophants.

- Tell me about it. It's nonstop.

- You're an actor, eh, kid?

- Yes I am.

- "CSI."

What age range you play?

- Oh, well, you know.

- I guess anywhere between 21 and 39.

- Good answer, kid.

Good answer.

- I actually respect this guy.

Any hit show you've seen, he probably created it.

He's been on top so long,

he forgot what the bottom looks like.

Wait a second, I know you.

- Yeah? - I know your face.

You're that guy on that reality show

with that amazing dog.

(Brian chuckles)

- Oh God, I'm sure.

- What was his name?

- My baby?

- Yeah. - Mel Gibson.

- Of course. How could I forget?

Do you have any pictures?

- Does an Emmy weigh six pounds?

Sure, I got pictures. Hold on, kid.

- That's Tanya, his wife.

She's famous, too.

You probably saw her blow Sheen on the internet.

That's before he got the HIV, I think.

- There he is, my baby Mel Gibson.

- Oh, he's so cute.

(Jimmy chuckles)

Oh my god.

How can anyone love a dog that fuckin' ugly?

- Don't you just want to squeeze the little guy? (laughs)

- I got the Bushmills for my cousin

and I don't know where he is.

- Too bad for your cousin, kid.

- Here you go. - Happy days.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Good luck.

♪ I sit in my room ♪

- So, is that your wife?

- [Brian] Why?

- Oh well, just, she's so pretty.

- I don't like to keep her from expressing herself.

She's a free spirit.

- Yeah.

- Women should be celebrated.

- [Tanya] That's right, baby.

- Look at those tits.

- [Jimmy] Anybody and nobody knows that Brian Weintraub

likes to stick his cream filled ding dong in anything new.

Doesn't really matter what or who it is.

- Listen, uh, what's your name?

- It's Jimmy Starr.

- A good name. It's an A-lister name.

Jimmy Starr. You got a girlfriend?

- I don't. Not this week, man.

- Why not?

- I was engaged, but I,

I thought my career was more important.

- That's good. Stay focused.

Get the power.

Get the money.

And then you got the pussy.

- You show me the way, sir.

- So I'm leaving soon with her.

Wanna come along and have a little nightcap or something?

Come here, you little bastard. Come here.

Yeah, there he is.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, there's my Mel Gibson, the best dog in the world.

- This is a beautiful penthouse.

It's an amazing view.

- Too noisy, too many buses, too many tourists, man.

Fuck.

I'm a New Yorker. I like the Hamptons better.

- You have a place in the Hamptons as well?

- Kid, I have four.

Three houses in Hamptons and a loft in New York.

If you play your cards right,

one day you can come and party there. (chuckles)

So is it sexy?

- Is what sexy?

- The script, your script, is it sexy?

You gotta have it sexy.

That's how the TV shows sell here. It's sexy.

Look at "True Blood."

Fuck, man.

- Mr. Weintraub, I don't have a script.

I'm just an actor.

(Brian sniffling)

- You're an actor. You want a bump?

- [Tanya] I can't sleep.

- Oh, God.

- Can you call Dr. Phil and tell him

to get me some of that shit

that Michael Jackson used to sleep?

- Fuck no, I'll call Michael Jackson myself.

Do you want me to diddle you to sleep?

(Brian and Tanya laughing)

- Jimmy, do you wanna watch my faggot husband

try to stick his limp noodle inside me?

- This little ungrateful little cunt.

After all I've done for you,

you spout off with all these fucking lies

to this good looking guest we have here?

(Tanya chuckles)

You wanna fuck my wife, Jimmy? Do ya?

Everybody wants to fuck her.

- No, I wanna fuck Jimmy.

Jimmy wants you to give him a job.

Am I right?

- Well why aren't you on a series?

Who's repping you, for fuck's sake?

- Well, I've just been hip pocketed by a boutique agency.

I'm looking to, you know, go bigger.

- You need to get out there, man.

You wanna be with ICM, huh? Yeah?

- Really?

- Yeah?

(Tanya chuckles)

- You'd do that for me?

- Hurry up.

I wanna sleep.

- Oh, come on.

- [Tanya] Don't be shy, sailor. (chuckles)

(phone line trilling)

Oh, shit.

- Hello?

- Yeah, hi, Fred.

Did I wake you up?

- [Fred] What's up?

- [Brian] You on the golf course?

- Waiting for the sunrise

over Nepal in a penthouse in the W Hotel.

Don't fuck this up for me, Brian.

- Do what I say and your dreams will come true.

- [Tanya] Yeah, just listen to him.

Shut the fuck up.

- Listen, I got a young kid here.

I'm signing him to a three picture deal.

He's between somewhat of a Matt Damon and Dillon.

(gong chimes) Okay?

- Oh, shit.

- [Tanya] Yeah.

- The sacrifices you make for your art.

(Tanya and Jimmy laughing)

- I've been waiting here seven days

for this fucking sunrise, Brian!

- I'm so sorry, Fred.

He's wrecked again.

- [Fred] Brian, please, Brian.

- [Tanya] Yes, yes!

- I'm not wrecked. I'm not wrecked.

Do what I say, okay?

- Son of a bitch.

- Ah!

- I know I'm...

I'm sober, man. I don't do booze no more.

Occasionally I do too much Red Bull.

I got a heart murmur but my cardiologist says...

Turn her around, turn her around.

Go on, all the way. Turn around.

Okay, whatever. I'll talk to you later, okay?

- Cocksucker!

- Yeah, that's it.

Oh god yes, call me daddy.

Call me daddy. - Yeah, daddy.

- Yes!

Yes.

I own you now, you're mine.

You understand that? You're mine.

(Mel Gibson whining)

- [Tanya] Oh, daddy, daddy.

(Tanya moaning)

- Check mate, bitches.

Real life, things just don't drop in your lap.

You gotta make it happen.

burn a few extra calories before my nude scenes?

Can't hurt. (soft acoustic music)

♪ Comes a day when a river of love will find you ♪

♪ Gotta say that today I can't feel it come true ♪

Fiona and I used to come here every Saturday at noon.

It looks like I've been replaced.

♪ This must be the difference ♪

- But I'm just like yo...

- [Man] Desperate?

- James.

- How serendipitous is this?

- Hm?

- How are you?

- I am hungry. I'm on a 400 calorie a day diet.

- That is great.

How's work?

- I just landed a pilot and I booked a national commercial,

thank you for asking.

- So happy for you. I mean, that's terrific.

Who's, uh...

Oh look, it's Rumple-foreskin.

Who's this?

- This is Nathaniel. He writes for television.

James is an old friend.

- Oh, well it is good to meet you, sir.

- That is a terrific llama sweater.

- Oh, it's actually an alpaca.

Peruvian, actually.

Do you know they bred them for about 5,000 years

to make sure they have the nice fiber like that?

We were talking earlier,

they're like the show dogs of the llama world. (chuckles)

- [Jimmy] Oh, that's terrific.

It really accentuates his tits.

- You know, I just love encountering

Fiona's old acquaintances, you know?

It's like a glimpse into her past.

- [Jimmy] Look at this fuck up.

He probably pees sitting down and shops at Whole Foods.

- James and I first met when we moved out here.

- So you guys fucking today?

- Good gracious me. Come on, man.

- No, I said are you guys hiking today?

- Oh.

Well, sorry.

Yes, well we enjoy a nice picnic walk to clear our heads.

Like to give thanks for the week, don't we, sweetheart?

- Yeah, we've been coming here for about six months-

- [Nathaniel] Six and a half.

- Six and a half months now.

Nathaniel also writes features.

- Guilty.

- Do you remember that indie audition?

- Yes. Yeah.

- Yeah, it's him.

- You were there. - I was.

- Well, now I shall have to talk to Harrison about this one.

- Thank you.

That's great. So who do you give thanks to?

- Pardon me?

- When you go on your little thanks-giving walks.

- The world, really.

Mother Earth goddess.

- Wow, what a cunt.

- You know, James, I'm really just thankful

for the fresh air and loving spirit in general, you know?

- Wow.

- You know, there's actually a couple's arcoyoga club

that meets on the beach this afternoon down in Santa Monica.

So if you have a date, I think you should meet us there.

- No, you know what? I got plans tonight.

Thank you for the invite.

I'm actually, I'm gonna head out for a jog,

but let's do coffee, yeah?

We'll do the usual spot, huh?

I'ma take off, but listen.

Later?

♪ This must be the difference between ♪

- That's a disgusting habit.

- Excuse me?

What'd you say?

- I hope you get cancer and die.

- Fuck off, fuckin' dirty cunt!

(tense electronic music)

You're probably wondering

how I sustain such a lavish lifestyle.

Look, some people pay with American Express,

some people pay with cash.

I pay with Adderall.

It's the currency in Hollywood.

Why give people money when you can give 'em self-esteem?

If Adderall is gold, Xanax is silver.

Together, they're priceless.

- [Justin] Oh, look at this sexy mother.

Mm.

- Justin, Justin. - Yo, what's up, son?

- Justins.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Justine.

Lookin' hot. - Oh, thank you.

- What up, brotha? - What up?

- Beer? - No, I'm good, man.

I could use some Addies, though.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You still owe us from last time.

- Come on, guys. You know I'm good for it.

(Justin 3 sighs)

- [Justin 3] How many you want?

- 10.

- 10? - What, 10.

- That's nothing, dude.

Why do you even waste my time with 10?

- Look, I'd say these guys are all idiots.

They're so eccentric.

How can you hate 'em?

Eccentricity is a sign of intelligence.

I mean, Justin 3 is a pharmacist,

hence the sale on candies.

And they're in a band.

So, uh, don't you guys have like a gig

to rehearse for or somethin'?

- Hey don't you have like an audition

or something you got to be at, huh?

- Yeah, we don't have a gig for another few weeks.

- When one is in the apex of fame,

one doesn't overexpose themselves.

- Fame? You guys think you're famous?

- Well I'm Twitter verified.

- You guys are called Justin Heber.

- It's Heeber.

All of our names are Justin or Justine

and we're all Jewish.

Heeb.

- They think they're going to see Justin Bieber.

- Whatever. - That's just the truth.

That's why you're famous.

- No, that's like one part of it.

But I mean like- - Def Leppard aren't

actual leopards, now are they?

- Nor are they actually deaf.

- All right, seriously, lay off the drugs, guys.

I'm out. I'm going hiking.

- Lay off the drugs.

- Okay, get your chakras in a row.

- Shalom.

- Do anal. Do something fun.

♪ Give me a reason just because ♪

♪ Say anything ♪

- Wally, these fucking kids are making millions.

I should just become a YouTuber.

- Hey, Jimmy, how you doin'?

- Hey. Hey, Terri.

- Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

So do I need to ask or should I just

file for an eviction now?

- Terri, we're good. Don't worry.

Actually I got steady income now.

Oh, Wally.

Wally, got that management fee we talked about?

The fucking cash. Wally, come on.

(Wally grunts)

- Yeah, it's right-

- Is he living here because- - You don't need to count it.

- Because if he's living here,

I can evict you for that, too.

- Listen, he's not.

Please go sit down.

He's not living here. Wally's actually my client.

Isn't that right, Wally? (Terri chuckles)

Is that...

Here.

Jesus.

- Where's all your fuckin' money?

I thought you were a model.

(Terri scoffs)

- Are you fucking serious?

- Who was that? I have no-

- What is this?

What is this, Wally? (Wally mumbling)

What the fuck?

You keep this up, (doorbell chiming)

you're gonna be sleeping in the alleyway

next to Superman and Rat Boy.

Coming, I'm coming.

Oh, shit!

Come here, come in with a big one.

I gotta lock my bedroom door now, huh?

Crawl between the sheets with me, huh, like old times?

- We were seven when that happened.

- Oh yes, we were.

Never forget it, either.

- Well, how are you, James?

- I go by Jimmy here.

- [Grant] What?

- They call me Jimmy.

- Even for family? I thought that was a stage name.

- This is Wally.

- Didn't think to mention you have

a special needs child staying on the couch?

- Well shit, Grant, you didn't ask.

- That's not the normal question one asks.

Hey, bro, can I crash with you

or are you running a fucking orphanage for homeless people?

- I don't know what's normal.

You just drove 2000 miles away from a woman

who defeated you, who stole your children in your own home.

You tell me what's normal.

- You don't have to be so mean about it.

- I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest.

- Well if I'm gonna be honest, this is it.

- What's it?

- Dude, you got enough life size

ab-tastic posters of yourself.

I think you'd be living next door to Ryan Gosling.

(Wallace chuckles)

- Was that fuckin' funny, Wally?

Yeah?

Grant, this works for me.

- [Grant] It does?

- [Jimmy] Yeah.

- What the fuck is that smell?

- You shit your pants, Wally?

- You don't smell anything?

- No, dude, I don't smell anything.

- That's incredible. - No, I smell nothing.

- Where am I gonna sleep?

- [Jimmy] You're sitting on it.

- Oh, okay.

(Wallace scoffs)

- Where am I gonna sleep?

- Wally, stand the fuck up.

- Come on, man. - Stand the fuck up.

Come on, Wally, stand up.

Let's go. - Come on, man.

I can't sleep on the fuckin' balcony.

- Be safe out there, Wally.

- I can't sleep on the patio.

- Think about Ryan Seacrest. - Ryan Seacrest?

- Yes.

Five years from now when Ryan Seacrest

is interviewing on a red carpet,

it'll be your anecdote to laugh at.

- Without a ceiling and a wall, I'm just gonna be homeless.

- Exactly.

It's a character builder.

Wally, trust me. I've been through worse.

And besides, he's only gonna be here a couple days.

Isn't that right, Grant?

- [Grant]] I was thinking indefinitely.

- Okay, maybe more than a couple days, but you know,

look at the bright side.

It never rains in LA.

Okay?

You're gonna be okay, I promise.

- It's cold. Please, man.

Come on, Jimmy. Have a heart.

- Yeah, there's no room for that.

Goodnight.

(soft upbeat music)

♪ I like the way that you move ♪

♪ The way your hair is fallin' ♪

♪ Silky smooth, I really like the smile you used to pick out ♪

- [Man] This is where getting un-relevant gets you, baby.

Warm. Woo hoo hoo.

- [Child] Chapter Three: Jimmy and Fiona Sitting In A Tree.

♪ I really think we'd make a ♪

♪ You know I'd take you everywhere ♪

- It's literally just coffee, Fiona.

It's not like I'm asking you to go to Honolulu with me.

Come on.

- It's inappropriate and Nathaniel would see it

as us crossing a boundary.

- Will you tell that hipster mustache fuck

that I don't care?

- [Fiona] Uh, yeah, no...

- All right, Grant, just hold on a second.

Chill out.

- Anything I do anymore.

And I'm too fuckin' busy these days anyway.

- Busy, Fiona? Really?

Busy with what?

Sleeping with the enemy?

- That's a good movie.

- Busy with my life, Jimmy. - Grant, shut up.

- Yeah, I booked that role in "Afrikan Pie."

I'm actually there at the fitting right now,

so I have to go.

- You know what, Fiona?

The only reason why you got the part

is because your boyfriend is the Hobbit.

- Even when I was pregnant, I worked more than you ever did.

I have believed in you.

I supported you.

I don't ever want to have this conversation again.

(cell phone beeps)

- Bro, you have always had a way with the ladies.

- Fuck you, Grant.

- People in general, actually.

They love you.

- Dude, why does she hate me so much?

- Bro, what is it with this fuckin' chick?

I mean is she the only woman

in the greater Los Angeles area?

Why her?

- It's Fiona.

She's my ex fiancee. (Grant spits)

- Your what? - Really?

- You got engaged and you didn't tell the family?

- What family, Grant?

Family? - That hurts, dude.

I love you.

Just 'cause I live a long ways away

doesn't mean I don't love you.

Leila and the kids ask about you all the time, man.

- Fucked up morning, man.

- It's not fucked up, dude.

We're two handsome single men in Los Angeles, bro.

Let's go find a house of guys or a Forever 21.

I'm gonna buy you a little sweater.

We're gonna get- - We're going hiking.

- What?

- It's what we do in LA. We hike, Grant.

- Why? - Not fucking shopping.

We hike.

Hike.

Let's go.

- Take advantage of the fresh air.

- [Jimmy] Pansy bitch.

- Because you love nature 'cause you litter.

Fuckin' litterer.

(Grant coughing) - Oh yeah.

Oh yeah!

I'm the king of the world!

What the fuck is wrong with you, Grant?

- What's wrong? - We haven't even left

the fuckin' parking lot you lazy fuck.

Let's go. - I live below sea level.

- Grant, we haven't even left the fucking parking lot yet.

(Grant coughing)

- Slow down, champ.

- You out of breath?

- Little bit.

- I thought you'd like it out here.

- It's beautiful.

- It is beautiful.

- I just didn't dress for hiking.

(punches thudding)

Fucker.

- You still hit like a little bitch. (chuckles)

- I'm about to lose my kids, bro,

and you're fuckin' around.

- What happened?

- Leila's bangin' my boss.

- That's fucked up. - It is fucked up.

- Bro, she's leaving you

because you look like Freddie fuckin' Mercury, bro.

- Really?

- [Jimmy] You do!

- Okay.

I wanna walk through this world as a woman.

I want to have a vagina.

I don't fully understand it all yet,

but it's what feels natural.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, as R. Kelly pissin' on chicks, I'm serious.

- Grant, what are you talking about

you wanna walk through this world as a woman?

- [Grant] Yeah.

- What are you gonna do with your dick?

- Well I wouldn't have a dick. I'd have a pussy.

That's the nature of the procedure.

- Procedure?

- Shoop.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Well yeah.

Yeah, I mean bro, you'll always be my lone ranger.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Come here.

I love you.

- I love you.

I do, man. I...

Long time I thought I was a lesbian with my wife.

- Well you're in luck. - What?

- Because we're about to go meet

my best friend and her wife.

- You have friends?

- Sure fuckin' do.

- Wow.

- We're actually meeting them at a gay bar.

- I'm not gay, bro.

- Well you're somethin'.

- Am I gay?

(soft acoustic music)

(phone ringing)

- Yo, it's Starr.

- You fuck better than my nephew.

- It's one of your strangers of the night.

- No. - Excuse me?

Where are you?

- We're on the way to a club.

- Yeah? Come over.

- [Jimmy] Hey listen, just meet me the club.

- [Tanya] Now?

- Yes, now. (Grant laughing)

- I love it when you're forceful.

- You know what's funny, Wally?

The fact that he thinks he's gonna make it

to old age before some hard dick murders him.

(soft rock music)

(people chattering)

- Is this your first time at a gay bar, kid?

Well, there's nothing to be afraid of.

No one's gonna change your orientation

unless you want them to.

Aye chi mama, look at those little asses.

- Hey.

- What? They're straight.

- [Wallace] Really?

How can you tell?

(Wallace thuds)

- [Deanna] Oh!

- Oh my gosh, are you okay?

- Thank you!

- It's the least I could do.

Hi. I'm Elizabeth.

- Wally!

(Wally and Elizabeth chuckle)

- See? Gotta get him tested.

♪ This your delusion ♪

♪ There's no happy ending ♪

I've never held hands with a boy this long.

- Me neither.

(Wallace and Elizabeth laughing)

- Are you new here, too?

- At the bar or in LA?

- You're cute.

- [Grant] My bro just banged a hot chick in the bathroom.

(Grant chuckles)

- Love it.

Woo.

Smell that? Take that whiff.

- Ladies. - That's Jimmy!

Jimmy!

- [Grant] Jack Daniel's.

- Take a double.

- [Tanya] Hey, ladies.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'll take that. - Okay.

- [Tanya] Let's see.

- Jimmy, you know you're the reason

I quit dating men, right?

- I should thank you for that.

- Mm-hm.

You should.

- But it wasn't because of the sex.

- I don't really understand how Deanna

let you stick your nasty, hairy pecker

inside her beautiful love muffin.

- [Deanna] Oh, you are so sweet.

(kiss smacking)

- Thanks, guys. You're making me feel real sexy now.

- Relax. Your penis has been on her mind a lot lately.

- Mm-hm. - Of course it has.

I might have to smash that.

Wait...

What?

- Listen, man-slut, we would like to discuss

how you could help us out for once.

- Anything for you two dykes.

- Really now?

You're a handsome, smart guy and-

- Tell me about it.

Here. - What is this?

- It's the Adderall. That's what you guys-

- I don't want any pills, you fuckin' drug dealer.

You can't take anything seriously. Forget it.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Personality is not genetic.

It's an adapted, learned behavior for the most part.

- Are you sure? - Mm-hm.

Yeah.

- I want you to fuck my wife.

- You want me to fuck your wife?

- I want you to knock her up so we can have a kid

who looks like you but who never meets you,

so he's nothing like you.

Just say yes or no.

- Hey, hey, little bitch!

Hey, bro.

We can make meth at home.

- What the fuck, Grant? Really?

- We'll pay you 10 G's.

- Hold on, hold on.

Dude, dude.

For like 100 bucks in the bathtub.

Like street level meth.

Oh, hey.

I'm jealous of you bitches.

- Pussy envy.

- Right.

- I got it pretty bad.

- Understandable.

- Let me get this right.

You guys just want me to come in a turkey baster?

- No, no, no you can't.

We want it to happen naturally.

- Oh. - That's the best way.

- We do?

- Never tried it before.

Figured I'd give it a shot, if you're clean.

- 10 G's, Jimmy. You can live on that for months.

- I'm gonna be a guncle.

Gay Uncle dancing- - Okay.

- So, when are we gonna perform this procedure?

- What? Are you looking forward to it?

- No, I'm just trying to schedule it.

Someone has to.

He hasn't even committed to it yet.

- You know what, guys?

I don't think this is a good idea.

- You know what? You're right?

No test, no sex with my wife.

- Fine.

I'll get tested.

But you two are fucking paying for it.

- There's a fucking free clinic in Venice, you cheapskate.

- [Jimmy] Oh no, no.

I was supposed to meet Fiona for coffee.

Way to go, Jimmy.

(soft rock music)

- That's her, that's her.

Oh my god, she's an actress, I'm an actor.

It's like we're meant to be.

- No, you know I want to give her

the script I wrote in prison.

- The world's not ready for a prison love story.

- You can't know you root for prison love until it happens.

♪ Heart never mends ♪

♪ You painted it black for a friend ♪

- You know, Wally, I hope you're listening

to everything I'm telling you.

I'm looking out for you. - Yeah.

- You know, I watch people coming in and outta of town

and leave with their tail between the legs, you know?

And women, women are good,

good at sneaking in and breaking your heart.

They'll suck you for everything you're worth.

I mean, you're not worth much.

You know, Hollywood's tough and these women are worse.

Dude, they're gold diggers - Yeah.

- I mean, you're living good, Wally, you know?

You've got a great place to stay.

- Yeah.

- Right? - Yeah.

- I've given you hope, a place to live.

- Yeah.

- I mean, look at your view, Wally.

- [Wallace] Yeah.

- You got the stars.

You're living like you're fuckin' Aladdin out here.

That's your magic carpet. - Yeah.

- You're like Aladdin, bro.

- I know, Jimmy.

- I just, I don't want you

to go through what I went through.

They'll wait 'til you're down.

Wait 'til you're down and they'll come in for the kill.

- Right.

- Checkmate, bitch.

- Come on, Jimmy.

You beat me again.

- Yeah. (cell phone ringing)

Starr.

- [Harrison] Hey, kid.

- Harrison.

- [Harrison] Role's yours.

- Really?

- Yeah. - Oh that's fantastic.

- [Harrison] Come in Monday, 9:00 AM.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monday 9:00 AM.

- [Harrison] Gosling's out, you're in.

- Yeah, you got it.

- [Harrison] Bring the slow blonde kid, too.

- Oh yeah, he isn't here right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll let him know.

- [Harrison] You're a lucky man.

- For sure. - Don't fuck this up.

- Yo da man.

- I am. - All right, peace.

- You got it? - Of course I got it.

- Congratulations.

- [Jimmy] Thanks, man.

- What about the other part?

- What are you talking about?

- You said he isn't there.

Was he talking about me? What?

Did I get the other part?

- Wally, everything's not always about you, man.

- Yeah. yeah.

Yeah, I know. (Jimmy scoffs)

- Really?

After everything I've given you?

You ungrateful little shit.

- Congratulations, man. I'm sorry, bro, you know?

- We're not quite bros yet, man.

- Y-

- You fuckin' ruined my moment, man.

This is my moment. - No, bro.

You know, you're on your way up.

It's really- (doorbell chiming)

- Shit.

That might be Terri.

You stay here. - The land lady?

- Yes. Fucking stay here.

(Wallace muttering)

Fuckin' stay here, Wally! You stay here.

- You touched my pillow.

- You stay here.

(Wallace sighs)

- Oh.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Is Wally here?

- No, you know what? He just took off.

- That's weird.

He said he'd be here.

- Yeah, he was with some chick.

They were doing a lot of blow.

- Gosh. I didn't know he was into all of that.

- You know what, do you wanna come in for a drink?

I'm actually kind of working on this script, this new movie.

Maybe you can help me with the lines?

- I actually made a pledge at Bible camp

that I wouldn't drink until after college.

- You smoke weed?

- Um, well, I don't know.

The pledge is no drugs or alcohol.

- Oh, we could take a shower together.

- Huh?

- You know, wash away all your sins.

- Is that what Jesus wants?

- I think so.

- Oh. (chuckles)

Okay.

Jesus Christ!

- One day I'm gonna be just like Jimmy Starr.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Child] Chapter Four: What's For Breakfast?

Afrikan Pie.

- [Wallace] You sure they said it's okay?

- Yes, Wally.

I convinced him to give you the role. My one demand.

- Thanks, Jimmy. How can I repay you?

- One day, buddy. One day.

I'll get a low cal with almond milk in coconut broth.

- No.

- That's not even a real drink.

- I'm sorry, are you speaking?

- It's not real.

- Ridiculous.

- Oh, you guys must not know who I am.

(baristas laughing)

- Please, I starred in six pilots last year alone.

- Everybody starred in six pilots last year, okay?

I'm about to be a fucking movie star.

- Oh, you gotta read "Yard Hard."

Even in the lowest life love lives.

It's a prison love story that I wrote

from my time in prison.

- Oh, that's great, it really is.

Barista, move, drink now.

(phone vibrating)

- [Wallace] Who is it?

- Oh, it's nobody.

♪ Soon as I pull up they better mob out ♪

♪ Runnin' up deep, you know we all out ♪

♪ Hold on little homie you better calm down ♪

♪ You don't honey to put her bombs out ♪

♪ Me and my people, we roll deep ♪

♪ Having to rep from concrete ♪

- About time.

(Nathaniel sighs)

(hip hop music)

- Mr. Pounder, I am so sorry.

The traffic- - Sit down, Starr.

- Here? - Yes, sit.

- [Rebecca] Yes, sit.

- Did they shoot "The Dark Knight" here?

- Yeah, they did.

That movie was a piece of shit.

It was racist.

Rich white butler havin' motherfucker

beating up on poor folk with mental disabilities.

- Sure.

- Sit down.

- It's fuckable. - He needs to work out.

- Yeah.

I've seen better. Good call.

- Good bum.

Tight fit.

Like Spacey's.

- Yeah, it's hammer time.

Let's take it from the top, people.

(Jimmy sighs)

- What did you do to my baby?

I feel him turning over inside me, burning my womb,

splitting like the twin stars in our sky.

- He'll have beautiful, beautiful eyes,

like the red- - Speak up!

(Jimmy clears throat)

- I'm sorry?

- Louder!

- [Jimmy] I'm sorry?

- [Harrison] Louder.

- He'll have beautiful eyes, like the red setting suns.

- They are coming for us both, and our demigod twins.

- I know.

- Cut! - Cut.

(tables scraping)

(lightsaber whooshing)

- The enemy is here, the rebel camp is here.

You just ran your white ass from here to here

from a pack of wild zombies.

Hungry zombie hyenas.

Be out of breath.

Out of breath.

(lightsaber whooshing)

- Thank you Mr. Power. - Don't apologize.

Act.

- Thank you so much for the opportunity.

I'm grateful.

- Jimmy, don't spit out my words.

Don't spit 'em out like you're in

a damn remake of "Full House."

- Of course.

I actually really like "Full House."

- Proceed.

- I just have one question.

It says right here that I'm supposed to stand up

and there's a window- - There's a window behind you.

- [Aaron] There will be a window behind you in post.

It's movie magic.

- We're gonna have a green screen, Jimmy.

Special effects. It's how the big boys do it.

- Mm-hm, like "Star Wars."

- Oh, like "Empire Strikes Back."

- No. - Mm-mm.

- That movie sucked.

I'm thinking bigger than that.

Two words: "The Phantom Menace."

- That's great.

- And you? You're my Luke Skywalker.

- Yeah. - And my Luke Skywalker's

not gonna be such a damn pussy.

"The Phantom Menace." Can you feel it?

- Mr. Pounder, I feel it.

- Can you feel it? - I feel it.

- I need you to feel it. - I feel it.

- [Harrison] Feel it.

(all laughing)

Sit down, sit down.

- [Jimmy] Okay.

- You see Jimmy,

nobody wants to procreate with Luke Skywalker

when they watch "Star Wars."

But all of us wanted Han Solo in our mouth.

Right?

Jimmy, that is the character I wrote.

- Thank you guys so much for the opportunity.

I'm serious. I'm forever grateful for this.

- Ugh.

Everybody get outta here, okay?

And mustache? (Nathaniel grunts)

Bring me my lightsaber.

I'm gonna need a bagel with cream cheese, please.

- [Aaron] One bagel, cream cheese-

- Wait, wait, wait.

Sir Pounder, I just drove an hour and a half

on the 101 for this.

- [Aaron] For our brilliant director.

- [Harrison] It ain't about him.

- [Rebecca] Would you just go ahead and die?

- Tanya and I are expecting you tonight

if you wanna tie this role up, capeesh?

(Tanya giggling) (Jimmy grunting)

- Open wide, baby boy.

(Jimmy chuckles)

All that glitters is gold.

(Jimmy grunting) (Tanya laughing)

Do you like that?

I know you do.

- Never put your eyes on me, all right?

Don't look at me!

- Never look him in the eye.

(Tanya scoffs)

Well now I'm not even in character anymore.

Thanks a lot.

So bored.

I have a new game for you.

I have a new game for you. You're gonna like this.

(Tanya and Jimmy laughing)

Say "I'm a bitch."

- I'm a bitch.

- Bark, bitch.

(Jimmy barking) (Tanya laughing)

Ooh.

(Tanya laughs)

Say "I wanna be famous."

- I wanna be famous.

- Now, I wanna be a Starfucker.

(Tanya grunting) (Jimmy yelling)

(Brian moaning)

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Jimmy] Alfred Hitchcock used to call actors cattle,

but he was wrong.

We're prostitutes.

But instead of selling you sex, we sell you celebrity.

And whether you are a Kardashian or Donald fucking Trump,

the way to immortality is a reality show,

or the right to fuck up your life with Twitter.

- [Child] Chapter Five: Jimmy Eats Afrikan Pie.

- Free STD tests.

Get cured.

Disease free!

- Hey yo, yo, what's up, man?

Y'all want to hear some of this beat, man?

- No one wants to hear that shit, man.

Take your ass down the road, man.

- Come on, man. There's some heat right here, bro.

You don't know what you're missin'.

- That ain't fuckin heat, man.

Take your shit that way, dude.

Everybody in LA thinks they can rap.

- Hey, who you fuckin' talkin' to like that, white boy?

- I'm talking to you, man. I ain't your boy.

What, are you Eminem now?

This ain't "8 Mile."

Walk your ass about seven miles down the fuckin' road, man.

Why does every white boy in LA think they can rap?

With your ripped ass jeans

and your fuckin' neck tattoo and your Illuminati signs,

does that mean you can rap?

You can't spit shit.

I guarantee anyone else on the street

could spit better than you.

Anybody.

Yo, B.

I guarantee all the money in my wallet

she spits more game than you.

- Okay. - Fuck him up.

- Okay.

- Fuck Illuminati up.

- As a feminist, I don't feel comfortable

with this patriarchal competition.

- Oh, she just pissed on you, Jurassic Park.

- You know what? Go ahead.

Go ahead, white boy, let's hear it.

- Oh, you want to hear some of this?

- Show me what you got.

♪ When I light that, it's like that ♪

♪ We stronger than a bike rake ♪

♪ You know I fuckin' strife cast ♪

♪ It ain't no point to fight back ♪

♪ I see a dime, I wife that ♪

♪ I make her mine and bite that ♪

♪ Stay on my grind, got high stacks ♪

- Ooh ho!

That heat! - That shit was horrible.

- That's that heat. - That was awful.

I guarantee she can out spit you.

- Okay.

- Guarantee it.

♪ You're giving me that look like you think I am below you ♪

♪ But you're so fuckin' whack ♪

♪ Your mom pretends she doesn't know you ♪

- [Man] Damn!

♪ I'll show you how my rhymes are gonna snow you ♪

♪ You're so fuckin' desperate ♪

♪ You try to get your aunt to blow you ♪

- Ooh!

♪ You're sellin' this CD ♪

♪ Ah, I regret I must decline ♪

♪ 'Cause no one's had a CD player since 1999 ♪

- [Man] 99, yeah!

♪ And I saw you at the K-Mart buyin' all your gear ♪

♪ So take your fuckin' Q-tip dick ♪

♪ And stick it in your ear ♪

- [Jimmy] She is fuckin' you up!

♪ One bitch, two bitch, three bitch, four ♪

♪ You're a little bitch from the little bitch store ♪

♪ Put me to sleep 'cause your rhymes are a bore ♪

♪ Walkin' with a limp 'cause your asshole's sore ♪

- [Jimmy] Oh my god!

♪ Five bitch, six bitch, seven bitch, eight ♪

♪ You ain't got no flow ♪

♪ So don't even try to hate ♪

♪ Rule number one ♪

♪ Don't you underestimate my ability ♪

♪ To tear you up an serve you on a plate ♪

- Damn! - You're served bitch!

- You just got fucked up.

I'll tell you what, I'll buy a CD.

Yeah, take your ass that way.

- Whatever. - Fuck outta here.

Learn how to rap, you fuckin' asshole.

Everyone knows that nice guys finish last,

so being nice is technically self depreciating.

I mean, would you wanna be the last guy

in line at a bukakke?

♪ Fake ass friends ♪

♪ Don't care if I see your face again ♪

♪ I'm like damn well that all depends where you left ♪

- I'm moving out.

- What do you want, Wally?

- I'm already packed.

(Jimmy scoffs)

- What?

Why?

Fuck.

(upbeat rock music)

- Here they come down the red carpet, Nancy.

This city is insanity.

How do you live here, bro?

Hey, you freakin' out?

You need one of your fancy coffees?

- No, I'm good.

- What's wrong, bro?

- I can't feel my toes.

- Really?

- Grant, I can't breathe.

I think I'm having one of those panic attacks, you know?

They talk about on Dr. Phil all the time?

- Is my little wolf on Hollywood Street nervous?

- Boulevard.

- Whatever! - Hollywood Boulevard, Grant.

- Whatever.

Why would you ever be nervous?

You're so good looking, multi talented.

You got charisma to burn.

If I were a real woman, I would fuck you-

- Please don't finish that sentence.

Please.

Look, there's this big director.

- Mm-hm.

- Harrison Pounder.

Remember that movie, um, what's the name, what's the name?

"Black Day At the White House."

You remember that movie?

- Yeah.

The action flick or the porno?

- I don't know. The porn, I think.

I don't know. - Gay or straight?

- There's a gay version?

- Fuck yeah.

- Oh, then he directed the other version.

- Well, he isn't Spike Lee, is he?

But it's a paying gig, bro.

- I have nude scenes.

- Okay? You used to streak sorority row.

What's the problem?

- Fiona.

My scenes are with Fiona.

- Oh, so let me get this straight.

So you have to fuck your ex-fiancee,

who's you've laid in sin with thousands of times,

in front of a big time Hollywood director

and you're worried about what?

- No, the fucking writer.

The writer with his little fucking dick

that's putting it inside her,

he's gonna fucking be there, too.

- He has micro penis?

- It's a micro penis. I'm assuming.

- You know what I think is sweet?

That although you still objectify Fiona sexually,

that you love her in your own sweet way.

Right?

(car honking)

- Fuck you, Grant. - Hey!

You fuckin' cunt! - Fuckin' whore.

- Eat my pussy! - Eat his pussy.

- You know, who pulls a move like that?

Don't.

Be nice!

Okay, I was watching a documentary

on men who are affectionate to their adopted

college-aged children and the consensus

in the indie film world is you gotta wear

a sock on your cock.

- So?

What the fuck are you talking about?

- So fuckin' lose the sock and fuck her

in front of that dude and show him who's boss.

- Who are you?

(Jimmy chuckles)

This isn't you.

- No, but it's you.

That's what my little bro, that's what Jimmy Starr would do.

- You're right.

It is me.

That's what Jimmy Starr would do.

(rock music)

- Mr. Weintraub.

- Oh hey, you can call me Brian.

- Hey, you know, I can't thank you enough. Really.

- Well you thanked my wife last night. (chuckles)

- Oh, you remembered that, huh?

- Well, it could have happened to anybody.

One thing, kid.

Please try and keep down using the blow so much.

There was snow all over the gaming room last.

- Oh, yes.

- Just remember, Hollywood is a shit town.

Keep your friends close, your enemies close

and you'll be fine.

- Everything in moderation, right, sir?

- That's right, kid.

All right.

Wish you good luck.

See you again soon.

Okay?

- [Woman] So Fiona asked that we double up on the junk sock.

- I'm not surprised.

- She is so gorgeous.

You must be excited.

- It's complicated.

- Oh, I'm super jelly.

I wanna be engaged.

- Wait.

What?

Engaged?

- Oh yeah, you didn't hear?

Nathaniel bought her a ring.

It's really gorgeous.

- No.

- So take off your shirt.

Let's see if you need body makeup.

And, um, your pants, too.

- So I didn't get it bleached,

if that's what you're checking for.

- What?

- Aaron said he wanted my red eye whitewashed.

- Oh, he did?

- Yeah, so I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

(woman laughing)

I didn't get it- - Yeah.

Harrison.

That man is one of a kind.

Oh god, you gotta love him.

- So no inspection?

- Oh no, you actually look disappointed.

No, your stinky winky is your business.

But maybe later.

- Guys, we're ready for him.

- So does it look right?

You know my- - Oh, you know what?

Oh shit, there's um- - Come on.

- There's an ingrown hair on the left here.

Can you just get my, can you just get my tweezers?

- No, no, no, no.

No tweezers. - Yeah, just one hair.

- [Jimmy] No, no!

- [Woman] What?

- [Jimmy] Stop touching my dick!

- [Woman] Find me later!

- [AD] Are you ready?

- I'm ready. Let's do this.

- Come on.

♪ So hard to understand ♪

You know you're just the dick pad?

- Shut the fuck up.

Jimmy Starr.

Jimmy Starr. - You know, Fiona?

She's pretty hot, huh?

- Do not speak of Fiona.

- Listen, I'm just sayin'. I'd fuck her.

- Hey.

I'm serious.

- Why are you getting defensive, man?

- Jimmy Starr.

Jimmy Starr.

- Walking Jimmy Starr. Talent on set.

- Harrison, my man.

(kiss smacks)

(audience applauding)

- Wow.

Well let's face it, you guys owe me this.

Well I wanna thank my mom and my dad

for making me a hideous, awful, angry person,

which is basically perfect for the entertainment business.

(audience applauding) Am I right?

Oh, looks like we're running out of time,

so I'll leave you with this:

you all are a bunch of mediocre cunts.

God bless and thank you.

Thank you. It's very well deserved.

- Have you learned your new line, James?

- Nathan. Hey.

- You know it wasn't my choice,

but Harrison insisted on the new sub plot, so,

have you learned yours yet?

- Yes, I've gotten all your precious words down.

- Well...

Okay then.

Break a leg, huh?

Oh, and Jimmy? It's Nathaniel, not Nathan.

- Excuse me, Nathan.

Oh, I must take a look here.

Oh.

Yeah, this is, this is nice, yeah.

This is....

If you were brown, would be perfect.

- You don't think I'm perfect?

- Eh.

Isoka, don't worry.

If you are white enough for Rush Limbaugh,

then you are oh-KKK with me.

And remember our motto: yes we klan.

- [Harrison] Ready to spin cellular gold?

- Um, where's Fiona?

- Look out and just imagine,

coming down like rain, spores from the sky.

Spring break and Cancun isn't fun anymore.

A female Mexican president.

Babies from Africa can't be bought anymore.

Basically your worst nightmare, an apocalypse.

Thank you, Harrison, for the direction.

(man muttering)

- What are you doing? - Are you the camera guy?

- Duh.

I'm Matthias.

Why?

- Your eyes are...

- They're perfect.

Kicked by donkey when I was kid.

- Can you just capture my good side, please?

- Whatever you say, boss. You're the boss.

Let's get mark for Mr. Starr right here.

(people chattering) (camera clicking)

- Remember.

Let the light fondle you and kiss you

and you kiss it back on the clit.

- [Man] Sound, you good?

- All right, we're starting with your close up, pal.

All right, roll sound. (bell ringing)

- Speed.

- [AD] Okay, let's roll camera.

- Speed.

- Okay, where's the slate?

- Scene 436-Charlie.

Take on.

Soft sticks. (slate thuds)

(Mariuz laughing) - Action.

- Soft dicks.

- If they find out about us, I'm dead,

and so are you.

- Again, I do not care.

I just want to be with you again.

Come back and ravish me again and again.

- Line.

- But your husband, your- - But your-

But your husband.

Your brother.

- It is not my borther's decision.

- Brother. It says brother.

- It says borther's.

- Reading is a prerequisite to being scripts...

Just go. Go.

Brother.

- Okay.

They'll never accept me.

I'm just a honky living in your fly world.

- But you are my honky.

- Just call me cracker.

Show me my-

Just call me cracker.

Just do it. Show me my place.

- Come slide that juicy white meat

inside my Afrikan Pie, cracker.

- Cut.

(bell rings)

- Any notes, sir?

- Whiter!

- Whiter.

- Whiter.

- [Jimmy] Okay.

- Remember, she's a soul sista.

You're just a poor misunderstood white supremacist.

I need you to feel it.

I need to feel the urgency of racial tension

because if her brother and those goons find out,

rock-a-bye baby.

It's your ass.

Humpty Dumpty couldn't get put back together again.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You're a cracked cracker.

- Cracked cracker.

- Damn right.

- All right guys. Come on, let's go.

Take two, take two. (bell ringing)

- Jimmy, you look shiny.

- No, he is not shiny.

It's the fucking camera!

It's the shiest, digital shiest.

I told you, we should have shot in black and white.

- Calm down, okay?

You can't shoot in black and white.

Gonna have my Black girl lookin' ashy.

And you're gonna miss out on all my colored people.

My yellow man, my red man,

my light skinned browns, my dark skinned browns.

Get the fuck outta here.

- Did Lenny Reinfenstall have to put up with this?

I am the God of Light!

I can't work like this. I quit.

- Don't quit. Hey, don't quit.

- All right.

- You're fired. Get the fuck out.

Know who you talkin' to.

- Are you shittin' me? You just fired me?

- You're not even German?

Oh shit, can I get a PA to take this guy off my set?

Can someb-

Hey, soft sticks.

- Yeah? - You ever done snapshot?

- Yeah.

- Can you do it with an accent?

- Yeah, yeah, it's good?

- You're on camera two.

- Fuck yeah.

- [Mariuz] Harrison!

- What?

- Fuck you.

- [Nathaniel] We aren't shooting you yet.

- I am ready now.

- Okay, Fiona?

I'm gonna need my Nubian Queen here

in the submissive role.

I need you to touch his, uh, his upper thing.

Uh, bird chest he has.

Just imagine it's me.

(camera clicking)

(Jimmy clears throat)

- [Man 1] All right everyone, let's roll sound.

- [Man 2] Speed.

- [Man 3] Speed.

- Scene 436B.

Marker. (slate thuds)

(Fiona sighs)

- Do you want an Adderall?

- You're hopeless.

- Action.

Starr.

- Line.

- Fuck.

- [Woman] If they find-

- I got it.

Thanks.

If they find out about us, I'm dead,

and you'll be next.

I won't let that happen to you.

I won't let that happen to us,

or to our little xenomorph babies.

- I don't care about that.

You're the only man I ever wanted.

(Jimmy sighs)

- What about your husband Ronaldo?

- It's horrible.

- Just do it.

Call me a cracker.

- Where's the other white guy?

I need another white guy.

- Come over here and make love to me.

(camera clicking)

(Jimmy and Fiona moaning)

- Fix it.

Fix it.

(Harrison scoffs) Oh god, for Christ's sake.

This isn't in the script.

- I know I made some mistakes.

Nobody else is perfect.

You're a mirror of me.

That's love, right?

- It's like you have no idea who I am.

That's not love. - Oh co...

- You never cared about who I was, just what I was.

- Look, will you get rid of this idiot?

Come on, give a second chance. - I'm sorry.

- I swear, I can change.

I am the biggest asshole. I am.

You're right.

But Fiona, with your help, I can change-

- What the fuck, Starr?

- Harrison, sorry, man.

Look, I think I need some time.

- More time? Yeah, you need more time.

You do.

You need a lot of time.

- [Fiona] Get your shit together, James.

- [Harrison] I need five.

Take five, guys. (bell rings)

- [Man] Everybody take five.

- [Nathaniel] Fi.

- Fiona.

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Was a tailor, yeah ♪

♪ She loved these old blue jeans ♪

♪ But me, I am ♪

- [Child] Chapter Six: All That Glitters Is Gold.

- We should be able to clean this up pretty soon, but...

- I would fire him.

The guy's a midget. - Sir Pounder.

- Yeah, he lied on his headshot,

so kinda got stuck with him.

- Oh, right.

(kiss smacks)

Where is everybody?

- You don't see Black people?

They all look the same to you?

No, I'm just saying, it's an entirely different crew.

- It's a better crew.

I mean, I think they'd like to hear your opinion

on the empowerment of Black women in Hollywood.

- Well why is he here then?

- Oh that's my nigga, Larry.

What's up, Larry?

- Hey, boss.

- Well, who's this?

- You know what? You don't need to worry.

We're gonna get you ready for the biggest scene coming up.

Gina, can you take care of him, please?

- Mm-hm, come on you progressive white man.

Let's get you in makeup. (lightsaber whooshing)

- Wait, wait, wait, no.

Whoa. - That's why I like you,

'cause you just scared the shit out of him.

That was fantastic.

I see why we got you.

- Girl, did you hear they hired some guy

to replace Jimmy's ass if he fucks up again?

(makeup artist laughs)

- It's crazy, this little alien baby.

Actually feel it move.

- [Makeup Artist] Oh, sure.

- That's the beauty of Harrison Pounder.

He is crazy, but he brings his world to life.

- Hey well, maybe the baby will make it this time.

- Mm-mm.

Don't you, I am not the one.

Don't you dare, not right now. Seriously.

I didn't sign up for Jimmy Starr.

I fell in love with James Rupertson.

And when we lost this...

You're not the only one who has suffered.

You're just a pussy, man.

- Yeah well maybe I am.

- Okay, I need to make one thing very clear to you.

- Um, maybe I should- - No, Linda, it's cool.

- Okay.

- I still love you.

Doesn't mean we can be together,

but if you could just be real about, like, anything,

even this film role- - I want this, Fiona.

I wanna be near you again.

I mean, here I am.

- I just want my James back.

I'll be back.

- Do you know what that translates to in sista talk?

She wants you to get out there

and kick some motherfuckin' ass.

Do something great, something that lasts.

Look, Jimmy, it ain't over, man, okay?

She wants you to be a man.

Damn.

Hey.

I'm sorry about your kid.

(Jimmy scoffs)

(people chattering in the distance)

- What are you thinkin', James?

(pills rattling)

- Wait.

Wait.

Wait, wait, I, I can't, I can't get free.

Wha...

- You've obviously never been Black before.

Shut your ass up.

- Harrison. What's going on man?

- [Gina] Walking Wallace Winterly.

- Hey.

Wally.

Hey, man.

Oh man, I'm so happy I was able to get you this role.

- No, you're not.

- Let's party, guys. You guys ready?

- Wait, wait.

No.

- Hey Wally.

Let me tell you a little story about a Honey Badger.

Only animal in the animal kingdom without fear.

I saw a Honey Badger battle a King Cobra.

King Cobra bit the face off the damn Honey Badger.

But did he die?

No.

You're right.

It woke up.

Fucked that King Cobra up.

Honey Badger don't play. - Honey Badger don't play.

- Honey Badger don't play.

Say it. "Honey Badger don't play."

- Honey Badger don't play. - Honey Badger don't play.

- Honey Badger don't play. - Honey Badger don't play.

- Honey Badger don't play. - Fuck that King Cobra up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait!

- Roll sound. (bell ringing)

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

- [Woman] Roll camera.

- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Harrison! - Light his ass up, Wally.

Action.

- Come on, Jimmy.

Don't be such a loser.

(slap smacks) (Jimmy grunts)

- [Harrison] Sell it, Wally.

- Wow, you really hit like a bitch.

Come on, Wally. (slap smacks)

(Jimmy grunts)

You hit like a little bitch.

You're just like a little bitch.

(smack thuds) (Jimmy grunts)

(Jimmy coughing)

- It never rains in hell, bitch.

- [Jimmy] Line! What's my line?

- "I vanquished her virginity."

- I vanquished her virginity

and I shot my seed into her womb

as you slumbered on the-

(smack thuds) (Jimmy grunts)

(hits thudding) (Wallace grunts)

(Jimmy coughing)

Come on, Wally.

Is that all you've got? You fuckin' pussy.

- Shut up, Jimmy Starr!

- He's gonna need a lot of cover up.

- Come on, Wally, you fuckin' bitch.

(Wallace grunts) (smack thudding)

- [Harrison] What are you doing?

It's fine, they're acting.

- You're a fuckin' pussy.

(electrical buzzing)

Fuckin' pussy.

(electrical buzzing) (Jimmy grunting)

(Jimmy panting)

What?

Why are you stopping?

- Why the fuck did I stop?

(electrical buzzing) (Wallace grunting)

(distorted buzzing)

(Jimmy grunts)

(heart thumping)

- [Harrison] Cut.

Wally, brilliant.

Jimmy, get the fuck off my set.

- Oh.

Did he just shit his pants?

- He just shit his pants.

- I gotta clean those.

- [Woman] All right, let's get Mr. Coppola back in makeup!

- It's a shame.

Jimmy Starr just looked pretty.

- Yeah.

- You ain't gonna need these.

(people chattering indistinctly)

- I think he shit himself.

He shit himself. (laughing)

Clean up. (laughing)

- I'm finished.

- Yeah, I believe you're wrapped for the day.

- Yeah, no.

I'm fuckin' finished.

- Hey.

- Nathan.

Wow.

I'm done.

I quit.

- Baby.

Come back here.

Get back.

That is not your baby. That is a prop.

That is our alien baby, owned by the studio.

- Oh, I'm keepin' the fuckin' baby, you hipster bitch.

Fuck you.

- You're fired, Jimmy.

- This isn't what's supposed to happen.

(figurine shatters) Oh, Jesus!

What the fuck? - You washed up-

- No, no, no, stop!

- Fucktard!

Why don't you guzzle some jizz on camera, dickwad?

- That's enough!

- [Landlord] Wing your own Razzie, asshole!

- Oh my, go...

Oh, gee.

Okay.

- You're officially evicted!

- You're fucking crazy.

- Get the fuck off my property!

- I'll sleep with you for the rent.

- You're a fucking asshole!

- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, not my Adderall.

No, no, no!

(distorted yelling)

You fucking crazy bitch!

My Adderall.

My Adder...

No.

Ah! You fucker!

- Starr, you really screwed the pooch, kid.

Harrison said there was shit and blood everywhere.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Do either one of you know where my career went?

- Hey, Jimmy.

Guess what? I'm late.

- I'm coming down off a bad Addie binge right now

and I am not happy with you, Superman.

- Hey man, keep your voice down, man.

The rats, they'll hear you.

(Jimmy mumbling)

- I've taken shits bigger than you.

You're a fucking liability.

Forget this acting.

You're dead in this town. You are so fucking dead.

I would just kill myself if I were you.

Go ahead.

- I miss Wally.

- By the way, I was disgusted by the way

you behaved the other night in front of Mel Gibson.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Fiona. - Me, too, man.

- I miss her.

- I didn't really think that I could have kids anymore.

- I gotta go!

I have to go.

Fuck you, Superman, and fuck you, Rat Boy.

- I'll buzz you back when I've picked out the ring.

- [Officer] 10-4, 22.

Yeah, guy's got his dick stuck in a bottle.

Hey, shit dick.

What do you think you're doin'?

Really?

(taser buzzing) (Jimmy grumbling)

(cameras clicking)

- [Child] Chapter Seven: Nice Guys Finish Last.

♪ To keep yourself true ♪

♪ To insist on, they do ♪

♪ Fair love of my life ♪

♪ I'll give it to you ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

- [Grant] It's all right, bro.

- How's it goin', boys?

(woman sobbing in the distance)

Look, I know I ain't been around much and...

Will you shut the hell up in there?

Goddamn woman. (door slams)

I know I ain't been around much...

Why are you playin' with dolls?

(hits thudding)

- Look, I know your hoe of a mother

ain't taught you the good book,

but it's about time you two learned.

Merry Christmas, boys.

Your own personal copies of the Bible.

There you go.

Now you can skip all that bullshit in the beginning

with the seas partin' and little cocksuckers

beatin' up giants and what about that boat?

How the fuck do you get all those animals on one boat?

Bullshit!

Anyway, you cut right to the Jesus stuff

because that is what's gonna save your two sorry ass souls.

And remember one more thing, very important,

and it runs throughout the entire book.

Women are evil.

(woman sobbing in the distance)

Well I gotta go, boys.

(Father grunts)

Yep.

Well, good luck with puberty and all that shit.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.

Don't you turn out to be no fags, either.

It tells you that in that book.

- Grant?

Grant? - Hm?

I'm awake.

What?

- You can't leave me.

- What?

- I need you, man.

You can't go back to those terrorists you call family.

(Grant laughs)

- You never needed anybody but yourself, bro.

It's just you and me.

- Yeah.

- And Harry and Larry, but...

- It's a little weird, bro. I'm not gonna lie.

(Grant laughing)

(acoustic rock music)

- Meredith.

Meredith.

- I am a girl on the inside.

- Katrina.

I will fuck you in my Russian pussy.

- Faggot.

(Grant hissing)

- I like to wear dresses.

(Grant hissing)

- Hey, it's Dad.

I know I don't look like dad right now.

I know you probably won't understand it

until you get a good bit older,

but this is, this is how I've...

This is how I feel comfortable, guys.

Sierra, you know how you really love

that unicorn onesie that we got online?

You know how you feel when you wear that,

like, that's how I feel when I'm like this, so...

I know that it's really difficult to understand

that this is your Dad, but I am and I love you very much.

That's not gonna change, ever.

- [Child] Chapter Eight: Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

♪ You know I'm a fool for your love ♪

♪ For your love ♪

(machines beeping)

- This is really happening, man.

I'm really scared, bro.

- Don't be, Grant. You're gonna be fine.

You'll be fine.

This is what you want, right?

- It's like in my mind, I thought all this time

that my body had it wrong, you know?

- Oh man.

What are they gonna do with it when they cut it off?

Whoa, Grant, what if you change your mind?

- I'm not gonna change my mind.

(Jimmy sighs)

Look, it's okay.

They actually, they donate your dick

to someone that has dick cancer.

- What?

- Like they take my penis and they use it

to make casings for sausage for homeless people.

- You're making all these jokes.

It's not funny, man. I'm freaking out more than you are.

- Somebody told me that they actually

donate your dick to middle schools for sex education,

because they don't want to have a real dick in there.

- I'm glad you can make jokes right now

because this isn't funny to me.

- Dude, look, they get a box

and they cut a whole in that box

and then they put my dick in the box.

Mm.

Ooh.

I'm feeling it now.

Bro, I am, I'm nervous.

- Am I supposed to call you sis? What?

- If you want get your ass whipped.

I mean...

(Grant laughs)

My head is so hot, but my ass is cold.

They shaved the whole area. Look.

They shaved like the whole area.

Completely shaven.

What's wrong with me?

(Grant sighs)

- Hey. - I'm just scared.

What?

- Before you pass out...

- [Grant] Yeah?

- Um...

I've never told you this, but, um...

- Make it quick.

- I wanted to be just like you when I grew up.

Fuck, I still do, man.

- Thank you.

I don't give a fuck what dad said about you.

You are a strong, awesome, motherfu...

(Grant snoring)

- Grant?

- Holy shit, these fuckin' drugs are so good.

They said it would be fast, but I...

(Grant snoring)

- I love you so much, man.

(upbeat soft rock music)

- Hurry up.

No eye contact.

Do not enjoy yourselves.

Jimmy, if I remember correctly, you're pretty good at this.

(Jimmy mumbles)

- [Valerie] Hurry up!

- [Jimmy] I'm trying!

- [Valerie] You're sure the test came back clean?

- I'm sure, for the 10th time.

- [Jimmy] Of course, I'm fucking clean.

- [Valerie] Fuck me, cowboy.

- What?

(slap smacks) - Oh, fuck!

- I don't know what to say, I've never done this before.

- Oh! Okay, fine.

Fine, fuck her cowboy, and make sure it's a girl.

(Jimmy grunts)

(machines beeping)

- 10-4. (Jimmy gasps)

Oh, it's gone.

- Grant, look, I had them put your dick in a box

just in case you wanted it.

(Grant laughs)

- I'll put it right here.

- What's really in the box?

- It's just- - What's in the box?

What's in the box? - Some girl shit, yeah.

No big deal.

I'm just, I'm happy you're up.

- It's weird. I can still feel my dick, dude.

It's like when people get a limb amputated.

It's like phantom dick syndrome

and it's hard. - Okay.

Grant, are you okay?

You feeling okay?

- I don't know.

- You want me to call the nurse?

- I am a nurse.

I feel more like a woman.

- But you're still a gay Republican.

- I'm not gay, dude.

I'm a Republican chick who loves men.

You don't get it.

- Yeah, no, I do.

- No you don't.

I'm straight, man.

- I do.

Shit, dad would be rolling over in his grave right now.

- Like a demon soaked in holy water.

(Grant hisses)

Dad, man.

God, I had the most vivid dream when I was asleep

and I mean, I'm still a little high,

so it's like Revelations.

It was like creepy Bible shit,

but it made me think about the fact that...

(Grant sighs)

I have to tell you something.

You remember that hooker that killed dad?

That hooker was no woman.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Dad hated gays and women.

What do you think?

- 'Cause he was a dick. What do you...

- And he was miserable why?

Always unhappy.

He couldn't be who he wanted to be, dude.

He was gay as a high school theater teacher.

- Dad? - Yes, he was gay.

♪ I like the way that you move ♪

♪ The way your hair is fallin' ♪

♪ Silky smooth ♪

- So what's it all add up to?

Something about going with the flow?

Dominating the game?

Using people?

I don't know.

Whatever.

I guess it wasn't that important.

♪ You know I'd take everywhere and if you will ♪

- [Child] Chapter Nine: Infamy.

♪ You make me frantic ♪

♪ To be suave and romantic ♪

♪ Come on, baby, now ♪

♪ My head is spinnin' ♪

♪ You got me on a string now ♪

♪ You mean everything now ♪

♪ Come on, baby, now ♪

♪ You're always with me ♪

- [Priest] We're gathered on this day

to celebrate the life of James Rupertson, Jimmy Starr.

- That comeback didn't work out so well for him.

- He really went swimming with hammerheads

just to get that role in Sharknado 6.

- [Aaron] All he wanted was to be friends with hammerheads.

Hey, you want a bump?

(Rebecca sobbing)

- Can dead people get sunburned?

He looks like he needs some lotion.

(Rebecca sobbing) (Aaron sniffing)

- Couldn't give the motherfucker a shave?

Jimmy Starr.

Oh, what a great name.

He could've gone far.

- Yeah, Jimmy Starr was a special character

and he's also going to be my baby daddy.

I know, it's pretty big news.

It's kind of sweet because he was my first

and I was his last. (chuckles)

It's too bad his lower half is gone.

It was really the only part I liked about him.

- [Priest] And the name of he who sat on him was Death.

- This is a very cool car. Is this a Cadillac?

I wanna ride in this.

You know, it never rains in LA and it's raining today.

Sweet.

Sweet of the city to do that for Jimmy.

Isn't Marilyn Monroe buried around here somewhere?

- He could have been one of the greats,

but he was just, just too self-destructive.

He just went too far with his roles.

I think he might have been closeted.

I think he kind of was a closet homo.

- Amen.

(guests sobbing)

- I'm gonna miss him.

(guests sobbing)

- [Tanya] Get me outta here.

- The best thing you ever did for this world

was take yourself out of it, Jimmy Starr.

Love you, baby.

- Hey.

Are they gone?

(Jimmy exhales)

All right.

(Jimmy grunts)

All right.

- All right. - All right, thank you.

How much do I owe you?

- 20, 30 bucks. - Yeah?

Not a bad deal. - Yeah, I'll take that.

- All right.

You sure they're gonna let you return it?

- No, they'll never notice it was gone.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Good shit.

All right, buddy.

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Was a tailor ♪

So there you go, folks.

Jimmy Starr is dead.

Maybe I'll come back after three days.

I mean you gotta leave room for a sequel, am I right?

Always.

(soft rock music)

♪ There comes a day when a river of love will find you ♪

♪ Gotta say that say that today ♪

♪ I can't feel it come true ♪

- I missed you so much.

- Do we call you mommy too, now?

- Well, if you want to.

- Are you gonna pee sitting down now?

- Probably, Sierra.

Hey, hey.

Hey, babe.

Hey, Tristan.

Hey, buddy.

- You look...

You look beautiful, baby.

- Really?

- Really.

I'm gonna have to shave that mustache, though.

- No.

- Are we going by a new name?

- Yeah.

Freddie.

(Wendy chuckles)

- Let's get Mommy's things.

- Oh yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

- Hi, Jimmy.

- It's James now.

- Okay.

You ready to meet your son?

- I am.

- Okay. (Valerie humming)

- Hey.

Oh, it's okay.

James, meet Jimmy.

What's up, cutie?

I love you.

- Oh my gosh. (Baby Jimmy babbling)

(Baby Jimmy laughs)

He's beautiful.

We're gonna fuck Los Angeles.

(Baby Jimmy giggles)

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Announcer] Yes, it's Live from the Kodak Theater

at Hollywood and Highland in Los Angeles, California.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

invites you to the 78th Annual Academy Awards.

(audience applauding) (grand orchestral music)

- [Reporter] I am live on the red carpet here

on Hollywood's biggest night.

This will actually be broadcast in 225 countries.

So we have a great show ahead for you tonight.

- [Interviewer] Four of the eight best picture nominees

have also been nominated for best director.

This includes a first time nomination

for film making icon, Harrison Pounder,

for his groundbreaking film "Afrikan Pie."

- Now he has a great gift of developing talent.

I'm just an average guy from the Midwest.

My only dream was to be on an episode of "CSI"

or whatever the hell.

And look, here I am now.

A year ago, this time last year,

I was sleeping on Jimmy Starr's balcony.

Great character building.

God, I miss Jimmy Starr. I really fucking do.

I don't deserve this recognition.

I'm just blessed. (chuckles)

This is incredible.

- [Interviewer] Speaking of character,

what was the secret to your character in "Afrikan Pie,"

your Oscar nomination?

- Well, I guess what you can say is...

Hey.

Lookin' sharp.

I tell ya, I guess I just crossed

the Uncanny Valley, Julia.

I went full retard. (chuckles)

- [Man] Wally, how are ya?

- Hey, Weston, good to see ya.

- This man's a tremendous actor over here.

- Thank you. - The realism.

- Thank you. - He's a Honey Badger.

- Fuck that guy. (laughs)

Fuck him right?

- [Interviewer] So what's next for Wallace Winterly?

- Oh, what's next?

You know Julie, I don't know if I can disclose that

at the moment, but it's a passion project

I'm set to star and direct, "Yard Hard."

I think the world's ready for a true prison love story.

- She's beautiful, isn't she?

- Yeah.

She's um...

Well, she's, she's kind of brown.

- They were all out of Black ones.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

I mean, I guess you're too busy being dead and all.

I wasn't pregnant.

I was late and I have a gut of fat.

The idea of becoming a mother sort of grew on me

and I couldn't find any I liked in Uganda.

And Riza here, I adopted in Nepal.

- So she's not mine?

(Jimmy sighs)

(electronic music)

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Mother ♪

♪ Was a tailor, yeah ♪

♪ She loved these old blue jeans ♪

♪ But me, I am a gamblin' man ♪

♪ Down ♪

♪ Deep ♪

♪ In this scene ♪

♪ Now all a gambler really needs ♪

♪ Is a suitcase and a drink ♪