Original subtitles

Oh, there it is.

Who closes the door, keeps the door.

No, you can't do this.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, bloody alarm.

No.

Neville.

Kidding me.

Thank you.

What the…

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry guys, excuse me.

Sorry.

Hi. Is this the line for applicants? —Join the queue.

Oh. Thank you.

Excuse me. Sorry, are you here for the barista job?

Paul! Paul Carpenter?

It is you!

Thought it wasn't you for a minute.

Here's me calling out to a stranger!

Monty Smith—Gregg! Don't you dare tell me you don't remember me!

Um… —You don't! Or you do?

I can't tell with that funny face of yours.

You always had that look in class.

I taught 18th Century Ethics and History of Music.

At Kings. —Oh, I didn't go to Kings.

And other campuses.

I had long hair and a beard.

You used to sit next to Neville.

Yes. Funny Neville with his weak knees.

Plus I coached you in football, Mr Forgetty!

This is such a coincidence.

You still got that shirt?

The one with the— Oh, what did it say?

I should go. How's your brother?

I don't have a brother.

Anyway, must dash. I have an interview, just like you.

Another coincidence!

Bye! —Bye.

Monty?

Great.

Hey!

Wait!

Stop! Grab that dog!

Hey!

Hello?

Excuse me, but are you here for the job interview?

It says 'applicants' on the door,

but this is an odd place for a job interview.

I was actually supposed to have an interview at a cafe,

which is interesting. Mildly.

Do you know what they do here?

Or what position— —I'm sorry.

Is there something I'm doing to make you want to talk to me?

Pardon? —I really need to focus. Sorry.

No, of course. Yeah, you should focus.

Oh you're watching…

Maybe I should just watch too.

We've always been there…

… and always will.

Life at JW Wells as a new recruit is never dull.

On the contrary,

the job can be demanding, and often confronting.

We may not advertise our services and shout our name from the rooftops

but that is because we do not need to.

Our reputation is already well established

which is why we can hide in the shadows,

waiting for people to come to us.

Now you know a bit about what we do here at JW Wells and Company

we hope you will join our team.

No, you were— You were outstanding, my dear.

Mr Wells was very impressed. We all were.

That's a relief. He's a personal hero of mine, you know.

Yes. —Oh good luck! Just have fun with it.

These other interviews are just formalities.

The job is all but yours.

Paul Carpenter.

What? Me?

How does he know my name?

Chop—chop!

So what is it you do here?

We do what we can.

Right.

Mr Wells.

Ladies and gentlemen of the board, this is Paul Carpenter.

Glad you found us.

The side entrance is a bit tricky.

Apologies about the lobby being renovated.

It's all to align with the new dawn of our great company.

You will be part of that new dawn too.

I will be? —Well you could be.

It all rather depends on the next two minutes, wouldn't you say?

Right.

Why don't you tell us something about yourself, Paul?

Ah, there's not much to tell, really.

I've got four GCSEs and two A—Levels.

I'm currently between employment.

Single.

I live with a friend, Neville,

who hasn't paid his half of the rent for two months

but let's not hold that against him even though it does mean

we'll probably be evicted, unless I get this job. Well, a job.

Highly unlikely that I get this job.

Especially if I keep talking. But I'd like it.

You know, whatever it is, it seems…

… interesting.

Anyway, yeah. That's… me.

And what makes you think that you'd be suited to this position?

I don't know. —Well what made you apply?

Ah, coincidence really.

Go on.

Well, my alarm didn't go off.

My trousers had a stain. My shoelace broke. Twice.

A dog stole my scarf. The toaster blew up.

I ran into someone who used to teach me at university

although I don't remember him at all,

and then I chased the dog, and here I am.

Any hobbies? —Pardon?

What do you do in your spare time?

Well, all my time is spare really. —Oh.

But I used to paint model soldiers. —Which period?

Ah, medieval. I also do those fantasy ones.

Trolls and goblins. —Goblins.

I tried Napoleonic, but they were too fiddly.

I see.

I don't do that so much now.

And what do you most admire about the works of Chekhov?

Ah, I don't know.

The way he says 'Course laid in, Captain' is pretty cool.

But mostly he doesn't get to do much.

Chekhov the playwright.

Star Trek?

Any languages?

French and German at school,

but I can't really remember any of it now…

—Sorry?

Casimir is asking you about your social life, pumpkin.

Pardon?

What are you looking at Mr Carpenter?

Oh sorry. It's nothing.

It's…

You seem distracted.

It's just the wallpaper.

The cracks are a map of London.

The Tube.

And there's the M25.

There's Hyde Park.

As soon as you see it, you can't unsee it.

It's like one of those magic eye things.

Well this has been a truly forgettable experience.

Shall I see you out, Mr Carpenter? —Oh that's OK.

Yes I shall. Come on! —Sorry.

Well, thanks for meeting you all. Good to…

I mean to meet you.

We heard it. Thank you.

Oh… you.

Stay. Stay.

Alright?

Oh dear.

How is anyone supposed to get a job in this town?

You should just go abroad. You know, be a man of letters.

Paul Carpenter, Renaissance man.

Renaissance men usually have more than £5 to their name.

Any ladies there? —No.

Liar. Spill.

Neville.

Hmm? What's going on?

Yeah, the couch is gone.

Yes, I noticed that.

I'm moving home. —What?

Like right now? —I'm sorry. I just—

Do you ever feel like you're not meant for this kind of you know,

work, rent, bills, bus.

Tube, bills, work, rent kind of life?

Yes. Of course we all do—

Well I had this amazing epiphany last night, and I thought Neville,

why are you being a slave to the system?

You know, go home. Go back to university.

Just never leave again.

Right—

And do you know what? As soon as I said it,

I just felt… free.

Wow, I'm really happy for you, but where does that leave me?

We're all individuals, Paul.

You are free to make your own choices, mate.

Ignoring the fact that I don't have a job,

and my parents have moved to Florida.

Yeah, ignoring that. —I can't believe this, Neville.

I know. I'm gonna miss you too.

No, I mean how am I meant to find someone with zero notice?

I'll pay for next week. —You're already two months behind.

Alright, well maybe you'll get—

JW Wells & Co.

That's where my interview was.

But I didn't give them this address.

"Dear Mr Carpenter.

Thank you for your smashing interview at 9:43am today.

It was a real highlight, and we were unanimously impressed.

We are therefore thrilled to offer you the position of paid intern.

It would be most agreeable,

if you could make yourself available for work from tomorrow, 9am sharp.

Please enter through the main entrance at 70 Saint Mary's…"

Bloody hell.

I got a job. —You see?

It all works out in the end.

I got a job!

Thank you.

Mr Roden.

Referral please.

Eww.

Suite 1409.

What's the matter?

Need help sitting?

Oh I'm not—

Ah!

Well, Rosie, what do we think of the new lobby?

Oh, Mr Wells!

I was expecting to be pleased,

but this morning when I saw it for the first time

my heart burst with a new passion for my work.

Can't tell if you're being serious.

I couldn't be more serious about the new lobby.

Carpenter! —Hi.

Wearing a suit, I see.

Very nice. Making an effort. Tick.

Try to be yourself, bigger tick.

We're all a big happy family here, aren't we, Rosie?

Yes? —One big happy family.

We're going to tear through mountains together, Paul?

Paul. OK.

I love to tear… mountains.

Paul Carpenter.

Last chance to change your mind.

Mr Tanner?

The new intern's here.

Oh no, she's here already, Mum. Ah, I mean Rosie.

Well they're coming in thick and fast

because there's another one here with a clueless look on his face.

I don't suppose you could fill me in on what this company actually does?

Carpenter.

I was hoping you'd died.

Follow me. Chop—chop.

Dennis!

Shirt. —Oh. Yeah.

Come on. Pleb!

Come on!

For God's sake.

No, not that way.

Why is the—

All this was meant to be done by Christmas.

By Christmas!

Now.

Interns report to me and me only, is that clear?

OK. Yes.

Yes, Mr Tanner.

Now, JW Wells is a highly respected firm.

Oops!

And we expect nothing less than excellence from our employees.

That clear? —Of course.

Of course Mr Tanner!

Now in return,

you will be working for the most innovative company in history.

Don't panic.

All clear. No harm done.

With me, boy.

Now listen very carefully. This is really all you need to know.

For centuries, our distinguished firm JW— Oh, thank you.

Our distinguished firm, JW Wells, has performed a plethora

of invaluable services for our clients.

Including love repentance— —I didn't quite hear all that.

Personal determining. Temporal causation on advancement

and of course our signature dish, which is coincidensation.

Now, we have never had an unhappy client.

And we trust it will remain that way.

If you decide to stay, you arrive at 0900

lunch is at 1300, tea 1500

and pens down at 5 o'clock.

And I don't care how much of a suckhole you are.

You never, ever stay after hours. Is that clear?

Yes.

Mr Tanner. —Thank you.

You look like the sort of chap who owns a computer.

Do not bring it to work.

Funny you ask!

They do not function within these four walls,

and what is more, they're common.

Any questions?

I just didn't quite hear— —No questions. Good.

You may be excited about working here.

That would be a mistake.

You are the lowest of the low, Mr Carpenter.

Can't think of anything lower.

Even the tiniest mites that inhabit this grotty carpet

upon which we walk are more important than you.

And, like the mites, the less you are seen,

the longer you will last. —Right.

Right Mr Tanner! —Mr Tanner.

Now…

… you'll be sharing with the other new blob of insignificance

that arrived today. —Oh, what other blob?

This one.

This is Sophie Pettingel. She managed to get here on time.

Well, wait here. Maybe someone will find you something to do.

Oh!

Maybe you should tell Sophie about your last girlfriend.

Oh that's right, you've never had one.

That's not true by the way.

I have had—

I mean we never actually called each other boyfriend and girlfriend—

The smell of coffee makes me sick.

What? Oh!

Sorry.

Ah, that's hot. Very.

Ahh.

Oh, looks like we were up for the same job.

Mm.

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure they made a mistake, actually.

All depends on what they were looking for.

Well if it was inarticulate nervous gits with very little talent

or initiative then they've struck gold.

With me, I mean. Not you.

You're obviously talented, and not a git.

Do you have any idea what they do here?

With all those typists and that big map with the…

There's a nice pub across the street, which is good.

It's important isn't it, to have after work drinks.

Or hitting target drinks. Or sales drinks.

Or like… drink drinks.

My dad used to go to the pub after work every day.

So did my mum, actually.

Debeef drinks. Debrief dinks.

Drinks! Debrief drinks.

Did you work anywhere before this job?

What kind of question is that?

Oh, I was just wondering if all office jobs are like this?

You know, you sort of sit and wait to be told.

Or maybe you could fill me in on some work practices.

You know, like when to—

Go to the pub?

What? No. Unless you want to.

But not in an inappropriate way of course.

But if there's a way to do it.

Because I mean I can't, and don't want to, by the way, ask

and neither do you want to be asked, or ask me, which is good.

We've got apps for that.

And I'm certainly not going to look for you on my app.

I think you should stop now. —Yeah, I think you're right.

What?

Shh. There.

Did she try and kiss you? —No.

No. —Oh, shame.

Did you see a baby dragon?

Job for you.

You are to go through these maps and circle any sites containing bauxite.

Got it? —And what about me?

You help him.

Oh!

Look at you.

You're all red in the face.

First days are always hard.

But I'm here.

If you need a true friend.

Anyway… good luck.

So bauxite is…

It's a mineral. They make aluminium out of it.

Listen, Peter… Paul.

… don't take this the wrong way,

but I'm not really interested in beers after work or

'Hi everyone, this is my new mate Peter, from work.'

Paul.

I'm part of a fast track programme to upper level management

so we won't be sharing this pokey little hole for long,

but while we are, do you mind if we just…

Yep. Sure.

I was just checking about the bauxite.

Well that was rewarding.

Didn't spot any bauxite did you?

Coming?

What we thinking for lunch? —I could murder a pie.

I'm a bit of a pie murderer myself. —Actually I might just grab a coffee.

Thought you didn't like coffee.

Why did I say that? I hate coffee.

Sophie Pettingel.

I have a quick job for you.

You can come too if you like, but don't do anything.

I don't suppose you could fill us in on what this company actually does?

This should be very simple. Ah!

That woman is Delia Bryson. She happens to be sitting—

Spelling is awful.

Right, well this seems to be a little more complicated.

Delia is reading Atonement by Ian McEwan.

Sophie, I'll need you to watch her.

Signal me when she gets to the part where Cecilia jumps into

the fountain. —The what?

I'll be on the other side. —Wait.

You want me to read over her shoulder?

Of course not! That would be rude.

Just watch her from in there.

How are we supposed to know what she's reading?

This is ridiculous.

Oh!

Oh my goodness!

Here… —Oh.

Very well done, Sophie.

His parents paid a fortune for that.

Those two will think it was meant to be,

and hopefully tell the story to their grandchildren.

But— So Sophie read her mind?

Sophie is a seer. A very rare breed.

That's why she's in our fast track programme, and you, Paul…

are not.

I suppose you'd call us practical metaphysicians,

or paranatural engineers.

In my department we hijack a client's instincts,

or gut feeling just long enough to influence a correct decision.

Sophie, I have more clients for you. Paul…

You can go back to whatever it was you were doing.

Maps.

Fast track.

Bauxite.

Brilliant.

Carpenter!

Focus your eyes on a point in the distance.

Like you're looking at the horizon.

Yeah.

Now… lift your hand just off the map,

so that you can still feel it, but you're not actually touching it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's building.

That's a quiver point.

Come with me.

Countess took you on a mission?

Yes, well I didn't really do anything, but…

… is that what you do here? Make people fall in love?

Yeah fall in love, divorce, discover gravity, move cities,

invent combustion engines, try a new cafe.

Careful with those!

We control their gut instincts, if only for a few seconds.

But why? —Yes, exactly!

No credit, not nearly enough money, never any gratitude.

Why waste our precious time helping ungrateful sods

who are just going to die anyway?

We're on the brink, Paul.

On the edge of history.

We were just about to launch Operation Fine Print

the most audacious influence campaign ever undertaken,

when we hit a bit of a snag.

And now, only you, Paul, can put us back on track.

Me? —Yeah. I know.

But you have a unique talent.

And you're more than just a diviner.

I'm a diviner?

Your parents must be so proud of you.

His parents, they're barely even aware he's alive.

When he was six, his father lost him at a fun fair.

Took him 22 minutes to realise.

Their house was hardly ever clean

because his mother spent most of her time having three affairs.

Dad had no idea.

Who was the third affair?

Well we don't get to choose our parents.

Dennis's father looked like a squashed toad.

My father was a controlling egomaniac.

You know he presented as a warm and gentle leader,

but behind the scenes he was evil.

When I was 12, he sat me down, put a pen in my hand,

and made me write a contract.

"I, Humphrey Wells promise very hard

never to betray my father.

And if I do, my soul will be his."

He kept that contract. Never let it out of sight.

It imprisoned me. Kept me silent.

Forced me to be the obedient, dutiful son.

It was his insurance policy against me.

What kind of father needs an insurance against his own son!

We're very similar you and I.

You think?

Undervalued. Underestimated.

I suppose, maybe, in that way.

Can I trust you, Paul Carpenter

of 57 Wrigglesworth Street, Nunhead?

Um…

I mean, I'm number 59, but yes. I think you can trust me. Yes.

I've lost something.

Something not only dear to me, but immeasurably valuable.

Oh. That's no good. Where did you last see it?

Well, that's irrelevant.

It's not a watch or a wallet.

It's one of the most powerful and coveted items ever to exist.

Oh. Right. Gosh.

The trouble is, it has the ability to disguise itself.

Like an octopus?

It is not like an octopus.

Do you think we have the right man here?

Nah.

I need you to find it, Paul.

It's somewhere in this building, I know that.

But it will refuse to be found,

so you will have to pretend that you're not looking for it.

Pretend I'm not looking for it— —I put all my trust in you.

Because the thing…

The thing that I want you to find…

That thing— —It's a door.

Yes, thank you, Dennis.

It's a door. A Portable Door, to be specific.

Portable? —You're not to share this with anyone.

Even your blossoming romance.

Oh no, we're definitely not— —But you must find it.

It's crucial for Operation Fine Print,

and the new dawn of the company.

Would you say everything hinges on his success?

Yes I would say everything hinges on…

his success.

Find my door.

OK. —Good man.

How?

You have the gift.

Fate has brought us together.

This is your time to shine.

So, go shine!

And Paul?

Shh.

Just find the door.

Easy.

Here, door.

Come on, door.

Are you looking for something? —No.

You look like you're looking for something.

Don't think so. No.

Not very sure of yourself are you?

Do you remember who I am?

Blank.

I'm Nienke Van Spee, ASTP, KMCC.

Paul.

ASTP stands for Associate of the Society

of Thaumaturgical Practitioners.

Right. —Say that with a lisp.

And KMCC stands for Keeper of the Magician's Code of Conduct.

Which means you come to me if you hear of any illegal use of magic.

Have you? Heard of any?

How are you enjoying the new job?

Oh, Sophie's a delight.

If you were to buy her a present,

I would suggest a small woollen scarf or a good quality torch

and under no circumstances should you kiss her after eating liquorice.

Ah, we're not— —She hates the stuff.

How are you finding Mr Wells?

He's a wonderful boss.

Honest. Eyes down here, pumpkin.

What you see is what you get with Mr Wells.

No there's— There's not a thing I worry about

with Humphrey at the helm.

What are you looking at, potato face?

Sorry. —Are you working with him closely?

Not really. No.

Well I hope you get that chance.

He seems to really like you, which is bewildering to us all.

Bit of a turnip aren't you?

You certainly didn't get my vote. Anyhoo must toot.

Maybe you'll prove me wrong.

It's five o'clock.

Go home, Paul.

Don't panic. It's just a dream. What? Who are you?

I'm Casimir Suslowicz— —What are you doing in my bedroom?

It's not your bedroom, this is a dream of your bedroom…

Why? —… that I am in.

How? —It's what I do.

I find it's the best way to get to the truth.

Truth?

Because we've all been wondering why Mr Wells hired you.

I can find bauxite on a map.

Are you— —Waiting for the truth, yes.

This company got out of bauxite 107 years ago.

Why did he hire you?

Don't know what to tell you.

Honestly, I think he just saw some real potential in me and he—

—What's wrong, Paul?

Foot hurting?

Why were you hired, Paul?

Not sure you can hear me.

Can you hear me now?

Why did he hire you?

I can't say! —I can do worse, Paul.

I can do a lot worse now that I'm in here.

But it's just a dream, right? —Oh yes, it's just a dream.

But things have real world consequences, Paul.

I could make you strip off. Go for a little sleepwalk outside.

You wouldn't.

I could make a little bit of wee come out.

Quite a bit, actually. —OK, alright!

He wants me to find the Portable Door.

So… Humphrey has lost his Portable Door.

I don't know what it does.

Why does he want it so badly?

You know the saying, 'There is only one way to the Bank of the Dead?'

No actually. What's the one way to the Bank of the Dead—

Dying!

Well turns out, that's not entirely true.

There is another way.

Bank of the what?

You're still dreaming.

I could just eat you up.

I love office supplies.

I always wanted to be a coincidator.

Is that what I am? —Is that what I am?

She's here.

Right, just pretend you're not looking for it.

"Goblins only."

Did I give you permission to be down here?

Let me think.

Did I give you permission to be down here?

No, I did not! —Sorry, Mr Tanner.

I thought it might be a good place to look for the… you know.

The what? —Portable Door.

The Portable Door.

Rather a big project for an intern.

How's it going, by the way? —Um…

I think I'll be OK.

If I were you, Carpenter, I would just give up now.

Because when you fail, and undoubtedly you will,

there are no words to describe what Mr Wells will do to you.

Oh, here's one.

Gut.

Another, impale.

Marinate. Oh, they're coming now.

Yes. Fry, poach, peel—

OK, thanks. —Roast.

I think I get the— —Disembowel!

Shit.

I know this is probably a stupid question, but who's down there?

Goblins.

We've worked with them for centuries.

They follow humans. They watch you at night.

Steal from you. Sabotage your day.

They're basically obsessed,

and we use that obsession to arrange coincidences.

Ask the dry cleaner if you can stick this poster on their wall.

Her long—lost cousin will come by in a few days.

Excuse me. Hi.

Would I be able to put this poster up?

My friend has lost her dog.

Thank you so much. It's really appreciated.

Alright, you have a lovely day, yeah? —You too.

Bye!

I'm sure you've noticed this company is at war with itself.

Ever since John Wells mysteriously, suspiciously disappeared

things have changed.

It was the same day Dennis's father, Arthur, disappeared.

Those two sons are up to something

and it's not just renovations.

We're not sure what, or when.

We're not even sure why he hired your scruffy friend

but it's connected somehow.

I don't think he knows why he's been hired.

I mean…

… he's quite nice, but…

I can't really tell when he…

You're a jumble of a human, aren't you?

You're very good at reading people.

You could be a great seer.

But you don't seem to make sense, inside.

It's like you have two instincts fighting each other.

Is there something I should know?

I am…

I don't think…

I guess I'm just…

… as you say… a jumble.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I'm listening to jazz.

I'm drinking coffee, which I hate. And I'm suddenly loving balloons.

I just don't know who I am anymore.

Well, that's fascinating. Am I supposed to care?

No, I want to change my mind.

Well too bad, because you signed a contract!

Everything OK? —What?

It's 4:53.

Seven minutes to leave the building!

I'm fine.

Coming? —Yeah.

Sounded like a heated chat. With Tanner.

No, it was just a disagreement about my employment contract.

You're not leaving, are you? —Starting to think I should.

That'd be awful. And sad.

Why? Because who'd protect you from…

Exactly.

Just be glad you're not a stapler.

I suddenly, really

in… my… heart…

… need…

… liquorice.

You hate liquorice, don't you?

Yes I did. But now I love it.

Mmm. It's so, um, licoricey.

Do you wanna get a drink? —Yes, please!

I don't know why I ate that. How can anyone eat that?

Well, I actually don't mind liquorice.

Yes, but you dress like a twelve—year—old accountant.

Brilliant!

Sorry.

Listen.

Is everything OK?

Yep.

Fine.

Guess I just thought…

You'd be CEO by now. —Ha! Yes.

I don't know, I'm grateful for the fast track,

and the Countess, but what if the downside isn't worth it?

Well, what's the downside?

Being miserable all the time?

I'm not miserable, I'm ambitious.

You wouldn't get it, Paul.

You know, you're happy looking at maps all day and you don't need more.

I just wish I was…

Oh, my God.

You are doing more. —What?

What you doing?

What? Nothing. I can't say. It's nothing.

Mr Wells has me on a special task. But I can't say.

It seems pretty important to him, though,

because I'm the only one who—

You're the only one who what? —I can't say.

OK.

Well just so you know…

Be careful. —Of what?

Of him. Humphrey. He's not normal.

Oh, and Countess is just your average office manager?

He's not going to want something for nothing, Paul.

Seriously, what's with all the hating on Humphrey Wells?

I mean, he doesn't push innocent people into fountains.

Oh, you're so naive. I mean, firstly,

we know there's more to this New Dawn than renovations.

Sorry, who's 'we'? —Plus, Countess thinks

Humphrey disappeared his own father.

Well where's John Wells?

I don't know. Retired?

Huh.

Just…

… consider yourself warned.

Maybe you're jealous.

Maybe you can't handle the fact that the CEO loves me and not you.

Have you always been this arrogant?

Maybe I'm on a super—fast track. —A super—fast track?

And you're on a regular fast track. —Oh Paul—

The truth is hard to hear. —Paul, believe me, you are not.

You fell into this job.

You weren't plucked from obscurity and mentored by the CEO

because they can't find any other

middling—intelligent, averagely—educated,

slightly good—looking English boys in the city of London.

If the CEO is asking you to find something

it's because they don't know what else to do with you.

OK.

Well, this was fun. Let's do it again.

Yep.

Here he is.

The date from hell.

What?

Let's go for a drink and yell at each other.

Whoa, hang on— —Not cool, Romeo!

Not cool.

Paul! Casimir Suslowicz.

We met at your interview.

Well, hope you're adjusting.

Must dash.

Right.

Today's the day, Paul. —Today's what day?

I know you. —I look like a lot of people.

Ah, Monty.

We met before my interview. —Who knows?

Anyway, turn around and go back up.

I was just gonna have a look down—

Well you can't.

Why not? —I don't have those details.

All I've been told is, don't let anyone in the basement.

But there's just an old closet down there.

That's what I said. Closet.

You said basement. —No, no, I said closet.

You definitely said basement.

Please don't tell Mr Tanner I said that.

Why not?

He's very creative with his punishment.

You didn't teach me History of Music or coach football, did you?

No.

You were trying to make me miss my interview.

Yes. As instructed.

I won't tell Mr Tanner you said basement.

Oh, that's very decent of you—

If you let me go down there.

Found you.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friends

if I may have your attention. Thank you.

What you're about to see…

… and it's not exaggerating to say this,

is going to change the world forever.

You see, for centuries,

we at JW Wells have been in the business

of changing small lives in small ways.

Absolutely lovely.

Now this has always struck me as an odd waste of our talents.

So, when my father disappeared, presumed dead,

I decided this was our chance.

Opportunity is right here in front of us, begging to be used.

We've always provided a service for our customers

but what if we make them serve us?

What if we make them the product?

Mr Tanner, let's have the guinea pig.

Gather round, please.

I have something to show you.

Sophie, just a few more quick questions. Any phobias?

Balloons, weirdly.

Do you like coffee? —Not at all. Sorry.

Favourite music style? —I like loads of music.

Just not jazz.

What do you think of when I say the word 'liquorice'?

I actually almost gag.

This is my fast—track interview, right? —Hold it right there.

After that interview,

we were able to influence this young consumer.

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm listening to jazz

drinking coffee, which I hate. I'm suddenly loving balloons.

I mean, I just don't know who I am anymore.

Thank you, Dennis.

If we can do this to a well—educated…

… young, strong—willed individual

imagine what we can do to the masses?

Your property prices would spike.

Your consumer base will double, triple, quadruple.

Your Roger will win his election in a landslide.

How are you doing this?

With a simple and binding contract they don't even know they've signed.

Door! —Just like our Sophie did.

I will sell you the will of the people.

Door! —I will hand you their desires,

their gut instincts on a silver platter

because here at JW Wells, influence is—

Oop.

Thank you, Dennis.

Influence is no coincidence.

Knock knock. OK.

Knock knock.

Why don't we do it over some refreshments? Mr Tanner?

Dennis?

Supermarket.

Paul.

Are you being chased? —Ah, no. I'm fine.

You're puffing and you look spooked.

No, I'm just keen to get to work.

So anyway, thanks for— —Paul…

… if you do find it,

this is who you come to.

Right.

Paul. We need to clear the air.

I'm sorry about what I said last night,

but I do think we are fundamentally different people

and some people are just not meant to spend time together.

Hey, what the hell!

They're filming you. Us. —What?

You. They're controlling you, Sophie.

What are you talking about? —He said something about a contract.

I saw…

I found it. —Found what?

This.

You found a towel.

Just watch this.

Knock knock.

That's a door.

Yep.

Ready?

Supermarket.

This is not… —Something's gone wrong.

Hello? —Who's that?

Wait there. I'm coming!

Please don't close—

Who was the voice?

Announce your destination before opening.

OK, my bad.

Knock knock.

OK. Um…

My flat.

See? Portable Door.

This is your flat? —Yeah.

You're actually quite neat.

What?

So it goes wherever you want to go?

This has just become the best job in the world.

Oh before you do that, can we just—

Knock knock.

I have to tell you what I saw. —Amazing.

It was an interview with you.

There was all these people watching— —Come on!

# Little Bitty Pretty One — Thurston Harris #

I need to tell you— —Paul, come up here!

I have to tell you—

Whoa!

Amazing.

We're on top of the world!

Close your eyes. No. Your ears.

Fiji? —No.

Jamaica? —Warmer!

Really?

I'm busy this week.

You should be able to handle these clients, yes?

Look at that. Amazing. —It's so cool.

It's so beautiful here.

So what's your favourite place that we've been to?

My favourite place that we've been to?

Or is that too difficult? —That is a really hard question.

I don't know.

Did I mention I was the South—East junior ballroom

champion three years running? —Failed to, actually!

Three years. I'm serious! —You hide it so well.

Well, don't want to show off, do I?

Don't be like that! You're actually really good…

Sandra?

Oh my God!

I don't believe it!

Have I told you I can read minds now, too?

Really?

What am I thinking?

Gosh, Paul is handsome and interesting.

Maybe we should stay here.

You know, just eat fresh seafood every day.

Yeah.

Except I hate fish.

But you don't know yourself, do you?

Maybe you love it.

Or we could just take the Portable Door for lunch

somewhere different every day.

We could build a little house.

Over there.

I like you.

I really do, quite a lot, which is…

weird because you're such a…

But ever since I signed that stupid fast—track contract

I feel like they're in control of that whole part of me.

My instinct.

My heart.

I don't trust my own feelings.

I guess I don't know if what I'm feeling for you is real.

Well, then we have to find this thing that you signed.

Why?

We could reverse it somehow.

So then you'd know who you really are.

And how you really feel about pies, and jazz.

And especially…

… liquorice.

But how do we reverse it?

Well I don't know.

But we have to try.

Knock knock.

We should check Humphrey's office first. After work.

Interns!

There's a rumour going around, and I hope it's—

Why are you dressed like that?

We're not. —Theme party.

Tonight. —Last night.

Beach theme.

It was a good party, actually. So much fun.

Do you have any idea what thin ice you are on?

I'm going to say this once,

and then you're on your own.

Fold it up, put it outside Mr Wells' door

walk away and never, never come back.

And if you're lucky…

… he'll be too busy to bother killing you.

He knows. But he didn't do anything.

He's right. Is he right? We should leave.

We have to find your contract. —And what? Rip it up?

I don't know. But we have to do something.

We'll come back tonight.

OK.

Good evening. —Goodnight.

Didn't you say Humphrey's office? —I did.

Well this is not Humphrey's office.

Those are a lot of printers.

The door wanted us to come here.

So what? It has a personality now?

Oh shit!

What is it?

It's gone.

Just… be careful.

The last time I was here these printers were all printing,

but I don't know what.

They're terms and conditions.

Those things you click 'agree' but never read.

Operation Fine Print.

Humphrey's mentioned that.

Was that a bad scream or a good scream?

I'm hoping good.

They're all different.

This one's a gym membership.

This is a train ticket.

A rental agreement. But why is JW Wells collecting them?

Maybe this is what I signed.

We have to get to Humphrey's office—

What was that? —Uh…

I actually don't know.

Sophie!

I'm happy to not find out what that is and just, you know,

stick to the plan.

We should at least look.

Should we, though?

One, two, three!

Knock knock.

Humphrey's office.

It's not listening to us.

Ripae Mortuorum.

Bank of the Dead.

One way.

That was in my dream.

He said something about that.

I think I saw that.

In the fine print.

Here! Bank of the Dead.

By clicking 'agree' I consent to signing my soul,

my entire soul, and therefore all desires and instincts and needs

over to JW Wells and Company,

to be held in the Bank of the Dead for perpetuity.

Forever and a day, in all territories and universes.

Operation Fine Print.

Humphrey and Dennis. —They're stealing souls.

They stole my soul.

And now Humphrey's going to control the instincts of anyone

who signs this or clicks 'agree.'

I mean, that could be millions of people.

Sophie?

Maybe we should walk over here.

Yeah?

Just walk.

Don't make any sudden moves.

Nothing to panic about.

Just over here.

Slowly.

Slowly.

This has to be the way out.

Paul?

Sophie, go!

Through here!

Are you OK? —Yeah.

Yeah. Are you OK?

Yeah.

Did I give you permission to be down here? Let me think.

No, I did not.

Mr Tanner,

the whole place is crawling with the most disgusting, hideous things.

Now that is truly offensive.

These things are the reason you are forbidden to be down here

after hours!

It's not as if you weren't warned!

You're a goblin?

Ha! How kind of you to note.

You humans are so stupid.

I've looked out for you your whole life, Carpenter.

If it wasn't for goblins,

you'd still be picking fleas off each other's backs

and clubbing your food to death with a jawbone.

And yet you ignored my simple advice.

Now.

Hand it over!

Dennis! Enough!

Mr Wells!

I expected so much more from you, Paul.

It's after hours, Mr Wells. I have it under control.

Oh, what would you have done? Drooled them into submission?

You greasy, thug—nosed parasite. —Give me your bag.

Call off your toads. —How dare you!

Call them off.

I'm not afraid of you. This is my domain down here.

Careful, Dennis.

You ought to think very carefully.

A gutter—living Goblin challenging a Great Wizard?

Now, Mr Great Wizard…

… you'd be nothing without us. Who would line up your clients?

Who would do your grunt work, hey?

And what would you do? No jobs, nowhere to live.

No unlimited supply of delicious pigeons?

Turn them back!

Turn them back! —Knock knock.

The Door! —Say somewhere!

Say nothing!

Who closes the door keeps the door.

I tried to say somewhere, but Humphrey stopped me.

Who are you?

Do you have it?

We have to get out of here! —Stay where you are.

Whoa! —Careful, Paul!

You can't get anywhere. Unless you have it, you can't leave.

What's going on, Paul?

Who are you? —You don't have it, do you?

The Portable Door?

We did, but— —Ohh.

Wait! How do we get out?

Hey! We have to get out!

Who closes the door keeps the door.

What does that mean?

Who closes the door?

Humphrey closed the door.

So he keeps it? —But we're surrounded by doors.

So one of these must be a way out.

Bless you.

You're in the Nether.

There are no doors out of the Nether.

You're John Wells.

You've got Humphrey's soul.

How did you know that?

You made him sign his soul over to you. That's the contract.

Oh, he was an evil child. Awful.

I needed insurance.

So you can control him, then?

You can make him let us out.

What, you don't think I would have thought of that years ago?

I have a contract,

but it's pointless if I can't get it to the bank.

Bank of the Dead.

No, wait a minute.

You have a contract for Humphrey Wells' soul

and if we get it to the bank, he's yours?

You have indeed found the root to the problem.

So we're here forever?

Yeah.

I can find a way out.

It's what I do.

There are no doors out of the Nether, only in.

I don't like this any more than you do.

But it has to be done.

Rush, rush, you goblins!

Pull your case you horrid, little corgi!

So Humphrey used the Portable Door to get my soul

to the Bank of the Dead?

And to trap me.

But then it went missing, so he needed Paul to find it.

Hello?

How did he trap you here?

He tricked me.

My baby dragon was used to lure me in.

Very simple trick, really. I shouldn't have fallen for it.

So cruel.

He left me with my books. —Why?

Something to read. —I mean, why here?

It's the only place to hold a Great Wizard.

I'll be here forever. It's different for you.

You'll run out of food and water in a few days and die a messy death.

And I'll be stuck with a couple of decomposing corpses

and no place to put them.

I'm OK!

Found something!

This one actually goes somewhere.

Not possible.

I'm free!

I'm free! Paul Carpenter, you may be more than just a diviner.

Maybe you're— Yeah, let's get on with it.

Maybe I'm a what?

I really wish he finished that sentence.

Mr Wells!

You're alive!

Yes, very much, Rosie.

Unfortunately, you might be too late.

Right. Now it's up to you two.

Take this to the Bank of the Dead.

That will give me control of Humphrey.

Actually, I'll come with you.

Rosie, get your husband.

Just follow me.

Come on, you disgusting little trolls!

Those are the contracts. All those souls.

The door must be nearby.

Why do they need more incentives?

I'm very creative with incentives.

Now then, come along. You heard Mr Wells.

You heard Mr— You! What do you think you're doing?

Tea break is over.

What do you think this is, Fortnum and bloody Mason?

And you! Get off your lardy arse!

Come along now! Everybody!

Come along, this is not Buckingham Palace! It's not a garden party!

It's not a garden party!

The bank is open.

Your contract will be inside.

Where's Humphrey? I'll take care of him.

You just take that contract into the bank.

Once it's deposited, he's mine.

Well, well, well.

Hurry along! Keep moving!

Mr Wells!

Hello, Father.

Go!

Don't waste a moment! Get back to work.

Keep calm! Carry on!

Keep calm!

Back to work. Get up! Get up, there! Get up!

Sophie! —Paul! Paul, the door.

Get into the bank! —Catch them!

The door! Paul!

Get off! Oh, get off! It's unseemly!

Get off that man!

Help!

'Countess, we need you.

Humphrey is stealing millions of souls

and now he's going to kill John Wells.'

Eric, are you alright?

Sophie!

Get off!

You OK?

Mr Tanner! —Yes?

Help!

Don't do it, Dennis!

No. No, Sir Humphrey, of course not. No, no, no.

Sorry about this, Paul. Just obeying orders.

Comfort stop.

It's Monty, and if I had my way,

I'd shtonk that Humphrey in the uhab.

What? —Paul!

Mum!

Mr Wells!

It's Arthur!

Arthur! —Rosie!

My love!

Dad, you're back!

Dennis!

Ooh, have we been weakened by the Nether?

Paul! Run!

Paul!

Humphrey!

Humphrey, this is completely against the Magicians' Code of Conduct.

Not one step closer.

Seems my father's not as powerful as he thought he was.

What are you going to do, Humphrey? —You'll have to kill us all.

Please, Humphrey, stop this now.

All I ever wanted was to think big.

You weren't brave enough.

This company was behind the moon landing, the splitting of the atom.

For what?

Are humans still ruining everything? Of course they are.

Do they realise what we do for them?

Of course they don't.

I will continue my plan alone

now that the traitors have been smoked out.

Yeah, rebellion's over. You're all going to the Nether.

But first?

You.

Bring it over.

No!

Humphrey, enough!

Now, Carpenter.

I want you to bring that damned contract over to me.

I want you to bring my soul over to me.

And I will hold it in front of my Father's fading eyes.

And I want to tear it to shreds.

Because the last thing you will see is the end of your hold over me.

I… —What? What?

No, sorry, can't understand. Did anyone understand what—

No?

Carpenter.

Let's have it.

No, Paul. —Come on!

Paul, don't do it. Please.

You can't give it to him. —Get moving!

Don't listen to them.

'Paul.'

'Paul.'

'If you can hear me, touch your ear.

In the Nether, with all those doors.'

Keep on keeping on!

'What if you didn't find the way out?

What if you created it?

The Bank is right below you.

Make your own door, Paul.'

Keep going! Come on!

He's vanished.

Where'd he go?

Next, please.

Mr Carpenter…

… you're not due here for 142 years.

Um…

I'd like to make a deposit.

Actually…

… I'd like to make a trade.

Oh, Mr Wells! He's done it!

You've got his soul.

Quickly!

The door.

The door. —Sophie, quickly, get the door.

Knock knock.

No.

No, please.

Please. Please!

Dad, please. Please.

John. You must.

Go.

Sophie, will you get the door, please?

He's gone! It's over!

What are you doing?

This door will never be opened again.

But what about Paul?

How do we get him back?

Sophie…

Oh, um…

I think this belongs to you?

Dad!

Mum, no! No, Dad!

We did it, Paul.

Not quite.

Forgot one.

Take a seat.

Dennis!

Don't worry about my turncoat, backstabbing son.

He won't both you again, will you, Denn—

Sorry about that.

Humphrey had to choose stapler, didn't he?

Now, first order of business.

What to do with you two.

Paul.

With your… skillset,

we think you're most suited to a junior position in Lost and Found.

Oh, great. 'You've got to be kidding me.'

The past few years have been a blight on our great firm.

'Are you listening to my thoughts?'

'Sophie?'

'You have a tiny weird bug on your forehead.'

Sorry.

Well, all souls have been returned.

'So now you can hear my thoughts?'

'I can't block you out?'

… ever. —Absolutely.

Good. —'OK then.

Can I ask, now that you have full control of your instincts,

your heart

do you still feel that way for me?'

And Sophie.

With your impressive abilities and your natural talents

you'll be fast—tracked to the position of VP

in the Department of Coincidensation.

Do you like the sound of that, Sophie?

'So do you?

Feel the same?'

Sophie, do you? —Yes.

I do.

Excellent.

Housekeeping! Knock knock!

AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk

# Little Bitty Pretty One — Thurston Harris #

Er, lost and found, Paul speaking.