Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Morning, cut.

Oh, morning, Harold. I'll be right with you. Okay, large cappuccino.

Oh, look at that. You got ten stamps on your card. This one's on the house.

Oh, great. Hey.

Cat, did you just give that man a free coffee?

Yeah, he had ten stamps on his card. You have cards?

When did you start using cards?

We've always had them. I ask you every day if you want a stamp.

I thought you were validating parking.

I always walk.

This is unbelievable.

I'm sorry, Harold, but I can start you on a card today. What will it be?

Let's see. What will it be?

Oh, yeah.

I want those years back.

Trust me. If I had the power to give years back, I'd take the two years I

dating that choreographer.

How did I not see that?

So, big school interview today, huh?

Yeah. Well, good luck. I'm sure it's going to go great.

I wish I shared your enthusiasm.

Are you still upset about the mohawk?

I mean, come on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. How many times do I gotta say it?

Sorry's not gonna keep him from getting his head stuffed into the toilet at

public school.

Do you know what goes on in public schools?

There's drugs, there's violence, and apparently everyone's running around

sex.

Well, really is different than our junior high.

High school.

College.

Fine. I went to one. I had great teachers, made a lot of friends. It was

fantastic experience.

Just give Owen cigarettes.

They're like money in there.

You know, private schools are no picnic.

I went to an all -girls Catholic school, and I had a terrible time.

Wouldn't still happen to have that uniform, would you?

Yeah, but it'd be really short and tight on me.

Kind of reminds me about when I used to misbehave and get spanked with the

ruler.

Is that pretty much the picture you're looking for, Stuart?

I would have preferred a tickle fight, but yeah.

Gavin, are you almost ready to go? We don't want to be late for the interview.

We have enough going against us already.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Skylar.

I thought we were going to do something about the hair. And why is he still

wearing that suit?

He refuses to take it off.

And I tried flicking his hair down to one side. It just made him look like

Hitler.

I'm not changing my hair or my suit.

Do you have any idea what kind of children you're competing with?

There's an Asian violinist and a wheelchair kid who can talk to dolphins.

The school doesn't like me the way I am. I'm not going.

Right, Sky?

I think Skyler has had quite enough input, young man.

Charlotte, I never meant to be... Destroy my son's future?

Actually, I was going to say be here when you showed up.

Hey, why don't you just tell them that Owen is extremely concerned with the

plight of the Native American and he got the mohawk as a sign of respect?

What do we tell them about the suit?

He feels the same way about the temptation.

Because we've always tried to instill that love of books in Owen. Always. And

he's taken to them like Moby Dick to water.

Which, by the way, he read when he was five.

Well, looking at his test scores, I can tell Owen is an exceptional boy.

And I commend you two for having given him such a solid foundation, despite

divorce. Oh, very amicable.

She's my best friend.

Yeah, it's all about teamwork.

And responsibility.

And forgiveness.

And common sense.

And letting things go.

And not doing anything stupid.

And not harping on the same thing as if they're so perfect.

And that's our secret.

I'm looking forward to meeting your son.

Stephanie, please send Owen in.

He speaks fluent French. And he juggles. Like an angel.

It's his fault! He was gambling! He's a gambler!

She drank mojitos when she was pregnant!

Oh, my.

What's up, Harold?

You know, I've been coming to this place for about six years now.

Wow. And I've been drinking about... Free coffees a day that entire time.

That's a lot of coffee.

By my calculations, I've spent $13 ,143 on coffee.

Really? Let's cut the games, Kat.

This store owes me two years of free coffee.

Stuart. What?

I'll tell you what.

I've been a loyal customer for six years.

And not just a customer, a friend.

Harold's just mad because he didn't know about the stamps and now he wants...

It's two years of free coffee. Okay, calm down.

You can have free coffees for the rest of the day.

Oh, thank you. That is a very reasonable solution.

I'll have 10 ,000 cups of coffee.

Gold.

And a skull.

Charlotte, don't call me that with Owen in the car. You're being very immature.

Let me speak to him.

Owen, what, your mother just called me?

That's what she is.

I'm guessing it didn't go well.

It was going great until the headmaster took one look at Owen and suddenly we

were the Addams family.

What did they say? Did they actually turn you guys down?

Oh, the headmaster made some noise about how we're still under consideration,

but it's pretty hard to believe when the gate actually hits the back of your car

on the way out.

Oh, Gavin, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.

Why don't I go talk to the headmaster? No, no, you've done enough.

Well, if he's not getting in anyway, what's the harm?

Because I have a daughter and maybe she still has a shot.

Unless you're planning to watch her for the day and have her tongue pierced.

It only hurts for a second.

Dr. Keenan, there's someone here to see you about Owen Miller.

Owen Miller?

Well, didn't the parents get the hint when you closed the gate on their car?

It's not one of the parents.

Just tell whomever it is I'm very busy.

But this won't take long.

Oh, my.

I think you got the wrong impression about Owen. You know, there's more to

than a mohawk and a crazy suit.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry. I'm Skyler Dayton. I work for Owen's dad.

Oh, I see.

Dorian Keenan.

Please, have a seat.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Look, you know, Owen's parents wanted me to get him a conservative haircut and a

regular suit. And, well, I kind of encouraged him to go a little crazy.

Oh, I see.

I do that sometimes.

I kind of bring out the wild side in people.

Oh, wow, this is really weird.

I kind of feel like I'm in my old principal's office.

You don't happen to have a ruler in your desk, do you?

But the Millers are really nice people.

I mean, talk about straight -laced.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Frankly, between you and me, I think Gavin's keeping this wild streak pushed

down really hard. And when that thing blows... Oh,

anyway, I'm getting off the subject.

I do that when I'm nervous.

I feel like I'm in trouble.

Oh, you're not in trouble.

Well, good.

Could you reconsider Owen's application?

Please, Mr. Keenan.

Please, Kyla, relax. And by all means, call me by my first name.

Wow. Now I really feel like I'm with my old principal.

What are you doing?

I'm filling out an application for Owen. It's a public school for the performing

arts. You know, like fame.

But those kids can sing and perform. What can Owen do?

Nothing, but I'm putting down modern dance.

Owen doesn't dance.

David's audition, I'll swap out his riddle in for some Skittles. Oh, he'll

dance.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Gavin, remember you told me not to go down to Owen's school and talk to that

guy? Yeah.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I'm guessing she did. Well, I told you not to!

I know, I know.

What happened?

Well, I went down there to see him, and he wouldn't let me in, so I barged into

his office. What did you want? Are you crazy?

Well, he didn't think so, and he's going to reconsider Owen's application.

And then he asked me...

What, he used his position to get a date with you? That's so sleazy. I hope you

said yes.

I did. Oh, my God, that's fantastic.

I know, I know. I felt bad for Owen, so I thought I'd play ball.

Hey, if you need any help warming up or, you know, want to run a few plays,

slimmer up, ice things, scrimmage, Gatorade,

been gay.

You know, it's funny.

People assume because you're a headmaster, you're automatically a

egghead. And even though that is the image I need to project on campus, in

nothing could be further from the truth.

Oh, I could tell.

I like to have fun.

I'm a woodworker.

I inline skate.

I even...

have an internet comic strip.

It's about a ne 'er -do -well headmaster.

He's a turtle.

It's a turtle school.

Do you see?

His name is Sheldon.

Shell for short. Do you get it?

Very clever.

I'll have another one of these.

Oh, my.

TGIF.

So, what would Sheldon do if one of his... Turtle students, who was really

and smart, showed up with crazy hair.

By hair, I'm assuming you mean on his head and not some rabbit to be done in

his own hubris.

Seriously.

Why? Sheldon would probably say, oh, snap.

That's his catchphrase.

Oh, because he's a snapping turtle.

No, he's a leatherback sea turtle. But that makes the snapping more ironic.

Oh, anyway, Skyler, my playful glibness aside.

I know you're concerned about Owen. Yeah.

And I promise you I will give him every consideration.

Well, thank you, Dorian.

Whoa, you feel that beat?

That's a bossa nova.

Shall we? Oh, no, really, I don't... Oh, come on, Skyler. The night is young.

Oh, no, it must be. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God, it's 7 .15.

I hope you like your salsa spicy.

Oh, so, how'd it go with Kenan? You look tired. That's good. Late night?

Yeah, very late. It was so bad, I had to go on another date after him to make

sure I was still into men.

What do you mean, bad? You mean, like, you don't like to say movies bad, or

Owen's going to Dartmouth bad?

What's wrong with Dartmouth?

Oh, please, it's the ass end of the Ivy League.

Well, relax.

He had a nice time.

What? Did he say anything about Owen?

Yeah. He said he'd give him every possible consideration.

That's it?

What, are we wearing a burka?

Skyler.

I just heard from the school.

You did?

What'd they say?

Well... Oh!

Oh!

Thank you!

Thank you!

I always knew you were a wonderful friend. Wait, wait, he's in?

He's on the short list.

What does that mean?

It's one step away from being in. The Franklin kid didn't make the short list

and he built a robot.

So what's next?

Will we wait?

Taking comfort in the fact that we have a secret weapon.

You know, Skyler, I would love to take you out to dinner sometime to thank you

for everything you've done.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh, no, no, really.

It would be my pleasure.

Oh, I don't want to push you out. I want us to be friends.

How about Thursday?

Good. Okay.

Okay, here you go. One extra large triple mocha fudge latte with whipped

and nuts.

Thanks.

Oh, look at this.

I've got ten stamps.

So, I guess this one is free, huh?

Oh, I guess so.

Harold, my stamp is a smiley face. This is a little flower.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

It got smudged in my pocket.

It's a flower.

Okay, fine.

You know, they didn't break the mold on your smiley face stamp.

I'll find one and just as will be served.

I'll just have to keep changing my stamp, won't I? Trust me, you will not

away with this.

We'll see.

Oh, we'll see.

Harold, nothing gets past me.

Tough talk from someone who dated a choreographer for two years.

Okay, I've got to go. Thanks again, Skyler, and I'll see you Thursday.

Oh, good.

You didn't forget.

Ooh, flowers.

Who are they for?

You know, I have no idea.

Skyler somebody?

Are you drunk?

A little.

How did you get your job?

My sister owns a flower company.

Oh, oh, what a glorious time.

How about dinner at my place tonight?

Yours with Spice Dorian. Ah, that's it.

We're in. Suck it, Asian violinist.

And this time, wear something sexy.

Oh, no, I'm not going out with him again. Oh, of course you are. You have

No, no, I'm not.

God, he was a complete bore.

If I go out with him again, he's going to expect me to sleep with him.

Well, perhaps if you'd been more of a team player last night, we wouldn't be

this predicament today.

I'm not sleeping with him.

Now, that school's not the only one with a strict admissions policy.

Come on, you don't know that he's going to want to sleep with you.

Yes, I do.

Every time you go on a date at a guy's house and he cooks you dinner, it always

ends in sex.

I'm making lasagna Friday.

I can't believe you guys are asking me to do this.

I make my own sauce.

You're right.

Skyler, I'm sorry. I would never ask you to have sex with him.

Thank you.

I'm asking you to dangle the prospect of sex.

Poor Owen.

Poor little Owen with his mohawk, which was all you're doing.

Jeez.

Okay, fine. I'll dine. I'll dangle.

But I won't do him.

Sounds like my first six months with Charlotte.

didn't forget.

So, how'd it go last night?

Here. What are these?

Brochures for new private schools.

Forget the Wilshire Academy. That ship has sailed.

What does that mean?

It means that ship got very grabby and had to be pepper sprayed.

You sprayed the headmaster?

Well, only after he made a very inappropriate remark about why he's

Headmaster Keenan.

This coffee's free.

Is it?

Oh, cool.

Well, hey, better make it a large, then.

Pat, stop what you're doing.

What?

This man got a free coffee three days ago and hasn't been in since. Let me see

that card.

Perfect.

Where did you find a stamp?

Harold, what is it now? He's been counterfeiting your system that is

reward loyal customers like me.

That is totally crazy.

For goodness sakes.

What, do you mean to say that you honestly believe that I... All

right, Cat, I think it's time we ended the whole stamp thing, okay? It's

apparently too easy for people to take advantage of. What?

End the stamp game? You can't.

No, you're probably right.

But I'm one step away. I have nine stamps.

Okay, Harold, well, then, you'll be our last one. This cup of coffee is free.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Excuse me.

May I have a refill, please?

Yeah, 25 cents.

Refills are only 25 cents!

I can't believe this.

What did you expect me to do? Oh, not you, me. I can't believe I put you in

position. I'm sorry.

Well, you should... be.

It's just, you know, you have kids and you want to do everything you can to

protect them, but that's no excuse.

I never should have put you through that.

Oh, thanks. I mean, I guess it's not the worst dinner date I've had.

Or will have.

Skyler? Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

Headmaster Keenan. I don't mean to bother you, but I'm sure you're all

my behavior last night.

Skyler, I just want to apologize.

I wrongly assume that when a woman comes to a man's house for dinner, there is a

certain expectation that this is a precursor to physical intimacy.

It's like the time Sheldon the Turtle went to a funeral that he thought was a

costume party dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Yeah, he writes an internet comic strip.

You write Turtle Academy?

Oh, snap!

Well, anyway, I'm sorry again.

I hope you can look past this. If there's anything I can do to make things

right, please let me know.

Owen, just ask him about Owen. No, I'm not an idiot.

Excuse me.

I want Owen in your school.

You know, he's a really good kid who's overcome some very troubled parents.

Oh, Skylar, as much as I'd love to make things right between us, I'm afraid it

would be improper to let this influence any official school decision.

Rest assured, Owen will get a fair shake.

Well, Skyler, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

Oh, are you crying?

Oh, no, no.

It's just some residual pepper spray.

Great. What are we going to do now?

Well, nothing.

Just have faith that you're good people and that the school is going to want you

to be a part of it. What are you, nuts?

What are you doing here?

Pour me a drink and I'll tell you all about it, Headmaster.