Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Oh, hey, Stuart. I got a cool idea that I think could really help business. What

if we printed cute little quotes on our coffee cups?

Doesn't Starbucks do that?

Yeah, so?

So your cool idea is to take somebody else's cool idea.

Oh, like this is the first bookstore in the world.

But besides, they'll never find out.

Well, a thief who doesn't get caught is still a thief.

That's good. It's a lesson.

You are on a cup.

Really? Oh, it just kind of came to me.

Morning, everyone.

Morning. Looks like we're getting a new neighbor. New neighbors or old friends?

Just waiting to happen.

You are on...

There's some new people moving in next door where the old corkboard shop used

be. Oh, corkboards and such?

I still can't believe that place didn't make it.

What are they going to put in there now? A music shop. Isn't that cool?

I guess.

It's going to be a drag schlepping down to El Fagundo every time I need cork.

How much cork do you need?

More than you'd think.

Well, this is turning into quite the art district, huh?

The music shop next door, that antique store down the street, the muffler shop

on the corner.

How's the muffler shop artsy?

It's run by those two lesbians. That's kind of artsy.

This is great.

I've been looking for a good music shop.

Hey, maybe I'll swing by and pick up some new reeds from my oboe.

It requires two reeds because it's a double reed instrument.

You're so freaking hot.

Sorry about this, Harold. I guess they're just testing out the equipment.

While the loud music is annoying, I must admit to a lick that man is laying down

a right.

Sorry I'm late.

The girls at the garage gave me a free muffler check.

Man, are they thorough.

What's with the music?

It's from the new store.

Guy probably doesn't realize how thin the walls are.

Oh, no, wait, wait. We're going to take care of it.

We got to do something about this.

I guess I'll have to go over there and take care of this.

I'll go, too, in case you need any muscle.

Since when are you muscle?

I'm not.

But the first night of trouble, I can run and get those muffler lesbians.

That's weird. It's actually quieter in here.

Yeah. Well,

I guess he was just experimenting.

That is what happens when man and guitar become one.

Now, suck on this tasty lick.

Mmm, delicious.

Here's the thing.

We're your neighbors. We own the bookstore right next door.

Welcome to our community.

Tom Stewart, this is Gavin.

Timothy Van Damme.

Sir,

you're the book dudes.

Oh, I know what this is about.

You want to give me a free book?

Just put it there next to the muffler.

And help yourself to some drumsticks.

Oh, cool.

Look,

while you're more than welcome to a free book, paperback, obviously, that's not

why we're here.

And why are you here?

Well, you probably don't realize this, but the wall that our stores share is

really thin.

I guess you could say they should have put another brick in the wall.

Anyway, if you could just turn the volume down a little, we'd really

it. I'm sorry, I had no idea.

That's okay. No idea, I moved next door to two little bitches.

Pardon? Last time I checked, we weren't in communist Russia.

Actually, there is no more communist Russia.

Oh, look, the homo knows about the world.

What? Hey, we don't want to start anything. We're just trying to get you

know what you're trying to do, Tonto. You're trying to stop the music.

No, no, not stop it. So much as lower it a skosh.

Tonto.

Well, you can't stop the music. The music was always here and always will

You can send a baby on a spaceship at the speed of light, and when he comes

back, he'll be... older.

But the giant robot... that ruled a planet will still be rocking.

I'm sensing some gaps in your overall knowledge.

Look, buddy, we tried being nice. We just want you to turn the music down.

Well, I didn't drop out of dental school to turn the music down.

I dropped out to rock.

And because I really didn't like it.

Oh, come on.

Are you mocking me?

You know, we came here to try to reason with you, and you've shown us absolutely

no respect.

All right, all right, you haven't heard the laugh to this. When you haven't

heard the laugh to this.

Stuart, come on.

No, no, not yet.

Hey, don't do anything crazy.

Deal's a deal.

of uplifting aphorisms, or as one Arsenio Hall used to clip, things that

you go, hmm.

Okay, Harold, what's he got?

How about something inspirational?

Sure. Here's something my dad used to tell me all the time.

to hate people like that.

What's with the drumsticks?

Tim gave them to me. Cool, huh?

Well, we have to do something. The customer's just trying to get annoyed.

If only there was some way we could get through to him.

Some way to get his attention.

Yes, but how?

Let's think.

What do tattooed rock and roll guys like more than anything else?

thinking of something else. Something blunder.

No, no, forget it. I'm not doing it. Oh, come on. Just go talk to him. You know,

maybe drop your keys and pick them up. No one gets hurt.

Drop my keys? Women don't do that.

Okay, you're right. You're right. Forget it.

Probably wouldn't like the guy anyway.

His hair is super greasy.

Stop it.

He's got all those piercings.

He's as pale as a sick person.

Well, I guess there's no harm in saying hi.

Hi. Hey.

Wow, you're pretty good with that guitar.

That's the only one I'm good at.

I'm Skyler.

Tim, so how can I help you with your rock and roll needs?

Oh, wow, that's a great tattoo. What is it?

Oh, that's a creature.

It's half man, half guitar.

It's my alter ego. I call it the Manta.

Oh, anyway, Tim, I work over at the bookstore, and I was wondering if you

do me a little favor.

You know, and turn down the music.

Oh, well, for you, pretty lady, I'd have to say no.

Tim, do you think maybe we could discuss this? Maybe have a drink? After work?

Sorry, busy.

Well, what about tomorrow?

I don't think so.

Oops!

Butterfingers.

I know what you're doing. It's not going to work.

Oh, it'll work.

I'm gay.

really are gay.

Super gay.

Great shoot.

Just get out.

Okay.

Now it's even too loud for me and I spent a year on the road with Motorhead.

Talk to the landlord?

Yeah. There's no sound provision in the lease.

If we want to soundproof, we have to do it ourselves.

And you know what's perfect for soundproofing?

Ironically, cork.

Are you sure he's gay? Maybe you're just not his type.

He better be gay.

This is bad.

This is bad. The future of the store we're talking about, it could ruin us.

All right.

If it'll help the store, throw him a little flirt.

Boy, am I glad I manscaped, huh?

You manscaped? What are you going to do?

Nothing. But just no one gives me confidence. Let's face it, confidence is

What are we supposed to do?

You know what? If he's going to use what he has to drive us away, we're going to

use what we have to drive him away.

So you think Stuart should go?

Okay, I got some more quotes.

These are in no particular order. Number one, my favorite.

People should start wearing...

No, I don't know.

Oh, fine.

Try this.

Nobody ever regrets buying a hat.

I'm not sure if you have anything not hat related.

Of course. Let me just jump forward here a bit.

Oh, here's a brilliant one, hats.

Nothing to do with...

Let's face it, some babies are just ugly.

No!

Mickey Rourke is his own worst enemy.

Maybe.

Oh, come on! I'm giving you a go!

You think this is too harsh?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Ooh!

The Old Man and the Sea, read by Charlton Heston.

He was an old man. He's already at eight. I don't know if I'd take her any

higher, so blow!

And he'd gone 84 days.

In the first 40 days, a boy had been with him.

But after 40 days without a fish, the boy's parents had told him that the old

man was now definitely in fine lace. They were feeding smoothly.

Just then, a fish jumped, making a great bursting of the ocean and a heavy fall.

Then he jumped again and again. The boat was going fast, although the line was

still racing up. The old man was raising and staying at the breaking point and

raising at the breaking point again and again.

I'm sorry, can you hear this in your store? Is it bothering you?

Just stop it. So now, let us take it.

Now you see how annoying it is?

Now maybe we could both act like reasonable adults and show each other a

courtesy.

You really believe we can do that?

Yes, I do.

Well, then it seems not all dunces wear pointy hats.

You're getting a war. I don't want a war.

Well, you're getting a war.

I will not be intimidated by you, by Tonto, by Boobzilla,

by that pathetic little boombox.

The Mantar bows to no one.

The Mantar?

Half man, half guitar, don't ask.

I've stacked up every amp in my store against that wall.

I'm going to go back there, plug in my axe, and play so long and loud it's

to make your brains melt, your ears bleed, and your bones explode.

And I'm taking my free book.

Oh, Molly and me. I've heard good things.

I said paperback!

This is a nightmare.

There's no way out of this. This would totally put us out of business.

I hate that guy. He's so cocky. And tall.

Why are the best ones always married or gay?

Sex didn't work?

Time for talk is over.

What are you going to do?

The less you know, the better.

It involves muffins?

For your own safety, no more questions.

Do you think Kat will be able to talk some sense into that moron?

What?

I said you think Kat will be able to fix this.

What? I can't hear a word you're saying.

I would cut off my own foot to see you naked.

God, what did she do?

Call 911.

I think he's dead.

What did she do with those muffins?

Here,

Kat. Have some tea.

How are you feeling?

This afternoon I saw a man crushed to death under a mountain of amplifiers.

I've been better.

You know, nobody blames you.

I know.

Even though you left here in a rage and said, the less we know, the better.

Oh, my God, do you think I killed him?

It's not important what I think.

No, no, he was dead when I got there. The amps were piled up to the ceiling.

I just feel awful about this.

It's tragic.

He was so young.

So rockin'.

Maybe we should have a moment of silence.

Oh.

That'd be an ironic tribute.

I wished him dead.

What?

Right when he walked out of here. I wished that he would just drop dead.

Yikes.

Oh, my God.

I wished another human being would die. What's the matter with me?

Oh, well, calm down, Stuart. It's not like you killed him.

Cat killed him.

He was dead when I got there.

I'm a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person. That's right. If it were a crime to have an

thought, the whole world would be in jail.

For example, right now, I'm having an evil thought about Cat.

Put me on a damn cup!

I feel so guilty.

I wish there was a way I could tell him I didn't mean it.

Well, why don't you?

Because he's dead?

So?

You can still talk to him. Just because people die doesn't mean their spirit's

gone.

He's still with us.

He's in the bricks.

He's in the walls.

He's in the shelves.

It's a good thing you're pretty.

I'm serious. You can still talk to him. It'll make you feel better.

That's not really my style. I don't really feel comfortable conversing with

dead. Well, just try it.

Hey, Tim.

It's me, Stuart, from next door.

Tonto.

Over.

He's a spirit, not a trucker.

Tim, I'm sorry I wished you dead.

Forgive me.

If I had another chance, I'd try harder to work things out.

Oh, and thank you for the drumstick.

Stupid. Come on, he's gone. He can't hear me. When you're dead, you're dead.

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

Come on.

Not me.

I've seen this movie.

They're not all coming back.

We're closed.

No, we're not customers. We work next door. We just thought we heard... Tim, I

was playing one of his demo tapes. He was my boyfriend.

I'm Roger.

Oh, well, we're so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

We didn't know him very well, but I'm sure if we had more time, we would have

become friends.

You hated him.

No, no, no.

It's okay.

Everybody hated him.

Well, he was a little rough around the edges, maybe, but he was a jerk.

I loved him, but he was a jerk.

Oh, no, he wasn't so bad. Oh, of course he was.

He was so annoying, constantly on that guitar.

Do you have any idea how quickly a jam session clears out an Oscar party?

It does sound inconsiderate. And that griefy hair.

He destroyed our gorgeous fretta sheets.

2 ,000 thread count. It's like sleeping on a cloud.

Well, you know, if you need anything, we're right next door.

Oh, I'm really going to miss him.

He was loud and obnoxious, but he was mine.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

I wished him dead.

Stuart! I'm sorry. I wished him dead. I was angry. He kept calling me Tonto.

Relax.

Everybody wished him dead.

People have been calling all day to apologize.

Well, again, if you need any help packing all this up... Oh, no, I'm

store open.

How's that?

This was Tim's dream.

I'll play his tapes all day.

I'll keep everything exactly the same, except I'll put a Victorian fainting

couch over there.

Drama.

Um, or...

Or maybe Tim would want you to pursue your dream.

What's your dream, Roger?

I don't know.

Link!

Well, I have always toyed with the idea of opening a high -end linen store.

They're all over the Hamptons. I had breakfast next to Claire Danes once.

Loved her.

Linen, yes.

Linen's required in the cork.

Follow your dream, Roger.

Open a linen store.

Well, I guess it could be fun.

Well, then it's settled.

All these guitars and amps are going away.

Pretend. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll put the duvets by the door and shams here next to the register and

over here, cashmere throws.

Oh, I love cashmere. Add fire, instant romance.

You are my new best friend.