Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Good morning, cut.

I'll have... What's this?

Oh, it's a Garfield cartoon I cut out of the paper. I think it's cute.

Well, it's not cute.

A cat who eats lasagna?

The feline digestive tract couldn't possibly break down the enzymes used to

it recover.

That cat should be constantly vomiting.

Well, it's not just about lasagna.

He also hates Mondays.

Well, you didn't tell me that.

Eight Mondays.

Morning, everyone.

Morning.

What's the matter?

Oh, I got this pain again. Second time this week.

Which side is your appendix on?

Oh.

Here we go.

What? I'm sure you just ate something and didn't agree with me. You're such a

hypochondriac. I am not.

When we were kids, we went to see that movie Mask. You spent the whole weekend

in front of the mirror measuring your forehead.

This is real, all right?

You know what? I'm going to go look at some of the medical books. Cat, would

please tell Gavin he's getting all worried over nothing?

Gavin, you're going to be fine.

On the other hand, I think I'm slowly killing my cat with lasagna.

So, I had a really fun date last night.

Guess how many pairs of silk pajamas John Stamos has.

Twelve. No, seven.

Wait.

Who's John Stamos?

You're dating John Stamos?

No. I'm dating his accountant.

It's really weird. I've never dated a guy who wore a suit and tie before.

Well, outside of a court appearance.

So are any of his other clients famous?

Yes, all of them. But don't ask me who.

Lawrence has to be very discreet.

But I will tell you that the male half of a certain Mormon pop duo hasn't saved

a dime.

Was it Kenny Logman?

It's gallstones.

Oh, boy.

What's he talking about?

His side hurts, so he's diagnosed himself with another imaginary illness.

Excuse me?

It's definitely gallstones. I have every symptom exactly the way they describe.

Really? Is one of the symptoms whining like a little bitch?

I'm glad you all think severe abdominal pain is nothing to worry about, but I'm

going to see my doctor.

Okay. Do you think he's at the office or at that beach house you paid for?

Guess what pint -sized former sitcom star had to sell his beach house in

to pay for all the hookers.

Please don't tell me it was that adorable poodle of the teacup Webster.

Hey, Sky, how was your date with Lauren?

Disaster.

Why must we keep playing this insufferable game?

Is it Linda Lavin?

No. So, Miss Lavin is still in play?

Well... I need surgery.

What, what, what, the eyes?

Or the cheeks?

Oh, duh.

The nose.

I have gallstones.

Really? That's right. Big ones.

Man, man, I'm sorry.

In fact, they need to remove my gallbladder, which I don't think they do

you're a hypochondriac.

So all of you can just suck it.

Okay, fine.

You win.

Congratulations. You finally have something.

Something serious.

Stop being so dramatic. It's just gallstones. It's not life -threatening.

contrary. there's always some risk associated with general anesthetic.

How big a risk?

Oh, more than you'd think. Plus, there's a possibility of infection or allergic

reaction or they could accidentally leave something inside you during

That doesn't really happen, does it? Constantly.

Spunders, gauze, needles. I even read once about...

An alarm clock.

The patient could hear its tick -tock, tick -tock.

Every time the crocodile... Oh, no.

That's Peter Pan.

Harold, you're making Gavin nervous.

I'm not nervous. I'm going to be fine.

Gavin.

Okay, what's the joke?

Oh, no, no joke. It's just... You're one of my closest, dearest friends, and...

Whatever happens, I just want you to know that we all love you.

Uh, stop being so nice. That's scaring me more than anything.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you. It's just, when I was little, my

grandpa went in for surgery and never came out.

And I never got a chance to say goodbye.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, of course not.

Everything's going to be fine.

Being sensitive, it's creeping me out, okay? Be sarcastic. Be mean. Be

Kevin, relax, okay? They do millions of these surgeries. There's no reason to be

nervous. Oh, but wait.

When you go in there, tell them that you are.

Why?

Because they give you drugs.

Great drugs.

When I was in there for my surgery, I got the best stuff.

Skyler, you look so young and healthy. What on earth have you had surgery for?

Harold, I had my breath done.

Oh, dear God, they must have been enormous.

Hey, Stuart, listen. Hey!

What are you doing?

Just, uh... typing up some employee evaluations.

Uh -huh.

Hmm. I didn't know we had Asian twins working here.

Someone should tell them about the dress code.

I was Googling a Chinese restaurant that just came up. Apparently what those

girls are doing is also called a twin dragon.

Listen, Seward, I want to talk to you about my will.

I've named you executor.

Like a dead person's will?

Yep. It's right here in a sealed envelope. I just want you to know where

in case, you know, something goes wrong during surgery.

Come on. It's a routine procedure. There's no reason for us to discuss your

will. Well, excuse me for being nervous, but the closest I've come to having

surgery was when I got my ear pierced in high school.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, very funny. I didn't know it was the gay ear.

What the hell?

I just realized I don't have enough pictures of you.

We should have taken more pictures together.

Stop it. You're freaking me out.

You're not leaving me your half of the bookstore?

You opened up my will?

Charlotte, you're leaving this place to your ex -wife?

Is this some kind of joke? She's the mother of my children. It's not for her.

It's for them.

Obviously, I want Owen and Allegra to get your half of the profits, but you

can't expect me to run this place with Charlotte in here breathing down my

Well, don't think of it as someone breathing down your neck.

Think of it as someone who'll help get things done.

Giving you more time to Google with yourself.

What are you saying? That I don't do anything around here?

No. It's just that what you do do, I usually have to redo.

I don't know what you're complaining about. Charlotte has an MBA. She'll keep

things running smoothly.

First off, you said doo -doo.

And second, you're unbelievable.

Even when you're dead, you're a control freak.

I can see you now, just buried in the earth, still trying to micromanage

everything. No maggots! Eat my left eye first!

I am not a control freak.

Cat, look where I'm standing. I'm totally backlit here. If you want a

picture of me, you know what you have to give to me.

You guys really don't need to be here for this.

You're so brave.

Kat, if you can't say something mean, don't say anything at all.

Wow, you're getting pretty anxious, huh?

No, not really.

Don't you listen? You have to say you're nervous or you won't get the drugs.

Plus, say you're allergic to benzodiazepine. Why?

So they don't stick you with midazolam, which has no cool side effects.

What, do you work for Pfizer?

I'll be fine.

That's right, right. Everything's going to be okay.

Thanks, Stuart. Thanks for being here. Glad everything's okay with us.

I'm your brother. Of course I'm going to be here for you.

Didn't I stand by you through that whole gay earring thing?

I didn't stand right by you. I didn't want people to think I was gay.

Hi.

How's everybody doing?

Which one of you is my patient?

Me, the one in the hospital bed with the tube in his arm.

I'm sorry. It's my first day.

Fantastic. I just need you to sign some consent forms. Oh, okay, sure.

What? A new will?

No, no, no, no, it's not. It's just a small write -up to your old one.

Did you know Cat's a notary?

He made me bring my stamp.

Look, if you want me to strip, I better get started. I have a bachelor party in

an hour.

What? You hired a stripper to come in your dress as a nurse?

Well, I thought... a Wonder Woman outfit in my car.

What choice did I have? What choice did I have? Wonder Woman, huh? Yeah,

the rope and everything.

Wow.

Hello there, Gavin. I'm Dr. Reisman. I'll be performing your surgery today.

You're the surgeon?

What are you, 15?

I get that all the time. Here, look at my driver's license.

See? I'm 26 and a half.

Oh, goody, you still count halves.

You know, you look old enough to drink.

I am old enough to drink. You look old enough for me to drink.

Cat, enough with the drooling, okay?

I'd like the doctor to be sterile for my operation.

Hey, when I want to hear from you, I'll hold a seance.

He sent two of us by mistake.

What? I guess we could do a girl -girl show.

Cat, did you bring that camera?

Stuart, get the stripper out of here.

Come on, let's go.

He means you.

Oh!

Okay.

Okay, Gavin, do you have any questions for me before I go prep?

No, I'm pretty clear.

Awesome. Awesome.

Doctors shouldn't say awesome.

Sorry, dude.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Dr. Adler. I... Hello.

Hi, I'm Skylar.

Well, very nice to meet you, Skylar.

Kevin, this is your anesthesiologist.

Any chance he's a stripper, too?

So, how are we doing today?

A little nervous?

This is it.

I spent yesterday hearing all the horrible things that can go wrong. My

hired a stripper to shove a will in my face, and I'm about to get ripped open

like a pinata by someone who looks like they had one at his last birthday party.

I'm going to give you a little Demerol.

Yahtzee.

So, Skyler, a beautiful woman like you probably has a boyfriend, huh?

Not right now.

No.

Really?

You like Thai food?

There's a terrific little place over by the... Oh, whoops!

Looks like you're getting a little bonus, huh?

That's it. I don't want this operation.

Come down!

No, no. If I stay in this hospital, I'm a dead man, all right?

Where are my shoes?

Whoa.

You guys feeling this, too?

Hey, I can see my house from here.

Okay, why don't you all wait for Gavin in recovery?

Bye -bye, everyone.

Wow, I have such beautiful hands.

Like a princess.

Hey, Skylar?

Yeah?

I need to tell you something.

Is it about your princess hand?

I want to be with you.

Oh, Gavin, that's so sweet.

They're not going to let me in the operating room.

No. I mean, if I live, we should be together.

Okay. You know, together.

Like peanut butter and that thing that goes with peanut butter.

Jelly?

No, thanks.

I know you think I don't like you.

But I do.

I felt this way since I met you. Since before I met you. No.

Since right after I met you.

Oh, well, I see the Demerol kicked in nicely.

This isn't the drugs talking.

This is the drugs talking.

When I talk like this, it's the truth.

And the truth is...

I like you because you're smart and funny and full of life.

And because you never stop surprising me. And I could see us growing

old together.

Oh, Gavin, I don't know... And even though you may not feel the same way

me, my face feels funny and I'm going to sleep now.

Good night, everybody.

There you are.

Your anesthesiologist friend called.

Ugh. Who cares? Throw it out.

What happened? He seemed great.

Seemed? You know, he took me for dinner last night, which was nice, until the

check arrives.

He opened up his wallet, and guess what fell out? A human finger?

No. His wedding ring.

On a human finger?

There's no finger.

He's married.

God, men are such creeps.

I dated this guy once who worked at a coroner's office, and get this.

He had a finger in his wallet.

Boy, I really tipped that story, huh?

Good morning, ladies.

Morning, Harold.

Good morning, Stuart.

What's all this?

Just cleaning up the back hallway.

Oh, you've been working hard all week.

Yeah, Gavin's coming back today. I want to show him I can run this place without

help from anyone.

For what it's worth, Stuart, if...

I had a bookstore. I would happily place it into your capable hands.

Well, thank you, Harold. I appreciate that. I really do. You're reliable,

honest, caring.

And you want me to feed you a parrot again while you're out of town?

He likes to wear a little top hat and makes him feel rich.

Kat, can I talk to you? Sure.

I'm just a little freaked out about something that happened at the hospital.

Right before Gavin went into surgery, he kind of said something to me.

What? Well, he said that he had feelings for me and that we should be together.

Oh, my God.

You and Gavin?

You're not even the same species.

That would be like some dainty, fragile butterfly mating with, I don't know,

whatever you'd be.

I know. Crazy, isn't it?

Totally.

Nothing like the guys you normally go for.

Well, you know, maybe that's good.

I mean, look at the last guy I went out with.

He was nice at first, and then he turned into a total married jerk who just

wanted me to put out for a couple potstickers.

I'd like to sympathize, but I love potstickers.

And putting out.

At least Gavin's got some issues, but at least he's nice and caring, and he's

got some pretty sweet things.

While he was on drugs.

busy things on drugs. I got high, went and saw Monster -in -Law, and liked it.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, look who's back.

You look good, buddy.

Thanks, thanks. I'm still a little sore. And so I might say, does the bookstore

put together some exciting new promotions, placed all of our orders,

did a bit of spring cleaning?

Place does look good.

The key, I found, is to simultaneously think outside the box.

while at the same time maintaining the integrity of the box itself.

Oh, my God!

Oh, crap.

Harold! Quick! Get away from there! It's fine. I'm used to it.

It's the third fire this week.

You know what, Stuart?

I'll just take the bird with me.

You working at that time?

No, no, I'm just finishing up an email to my lawyer.

I decided to change my will and leave control of the bookstore to Stuart.

Really?

Yeah.

I was lying in the hospital removing my own stitches when... I realized I guess

I can be a bit of a control freak.

You know, I made mistakes running this place too, so... I figure Stuart

a chance.

Wow, that's really nice.

Listen.

You know, when we were in the hospital... Yeah?

Well, you kind of said something before you went under.

I did?

You don't remember?

I remember them putting something into my IV and then waking up in the recovery

room. Everything in between is a blur.

Oh.

Well... What was it?

Well, if you don't remember, I guess it was just the damn wrong talking.

Huh.

Hope I didn't say something to offend you. No, no. In fact... You know what?

Never mind.

Okay. Well, I better get back to my email here.

I'm just glad you're okay.

Yeah. Good to have you back. Thanks.

Gavin, I just want to say I'm glad you're back and your operation was a

Thanks, Harold.

It really was pretty routine. Not true.

Anything can happen when you go under the knife.

Mixed up charts, for example. You could go in for a gallbladder surgery and come

out with a sex change.

Now, come on. That doesn't happen.

Happened to my nephew.

Tragic.

Didn't let it get him down, though. He just threw on some strappy sandals and a

tube top.

strutted out of that hospital determined to make the best of it.

He packed a tube top for gallbladder surgery.

And a pashmina and a pair of thigh -high boots.

The weather in San Francisco is very unpredictable.