Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside to the new story of my life.

Morning. Hi, Rob. Um, blueberry muffin and an orange juice, right?

Yeah. I've only been here once. How do you remember my order? And my name?

Well... I have a photographic memory.

It's not like I followed you out of here and down to your office yesterday like

some crazy stalker.

Oh, here you go. Thanks.

Here, uh, hope you sell a lot of copiers.

How do you know I sell copiers?

Oh, you sell copiers?

Wow, that's so weird. It's just an expression I use.

Morning, Kat.

Morning, Harold. Hope you sell a lot of copiers.

What on earth are you talking about? You know, it's what I always say. It's

like, um, have a nice day, but in the business world. Oh, I get it. Like when

used to work in the lab and we'd say, hope you don't get radiation poisoning

vomit to death like Gary.

Well, take care.

Bye.

Oh, God, I'm such an idiot.

Well, somebody has a question. Yeah, he's so cute and I was so weird.

Why do I always get so desperate around my birthday?

When's your birthday?

Saturday. I'm so depressed.

Oh, don't be.

40 is a great age for a woman.

I'm turning 26.

Oh, gotcha.

I can't believe I'm going to spend another birthday without a boyfriend.

Well, why don't you just ask that guy out?

That seems so pathetic, asking a guy out on my birthday.

It's not pathetic.

I almost spent my 18th birthday alone, but then on a whim I asked this guy out

and he said yes. And you know what?

I had a great birthday because I took a chance.

Oh, that's so inspiring.

If a girl like you can get a date, then there's hope for all of us.

Hey, Skylar, can I get an honest opinion on this shirt?

Sure, it's awful.

Not this shirt. This shirt I'm thinking of ordering.

What's wrong with my shirt?

Oh, I mean, it's just drab and unflattering and old and conservative.

Can't find anything nice to say about it?

Well, it goes perfect with those pants.

These pants?

What's wrong with them?

The waistline's too high, the pleats are like six years ago, they taper too

narrow, and you have absolutely no booty in them.

Well, that last one's not the pants' fault.

You really want to have this fight, Bob's big boy?

Come on, hold a giant hamburger over your head.

Well, at least Stuart has a look.

What kind of a look does he have?

Well, the vintage bowling shirt, the dark tee, kind of a swinger thing.

Has sex appeal.

He's got style without trying too hard. And look at Harold. He's always put

together, sophisticated, academic, with a flair. I can't take all the credit. My

personal stopper is a gay.

You know what? I can help you.

How? Well, you can go through your closet, and I can weed out all the bad

and we can come up with a look that's a little hipper.

Katrina, what do you think of the way I dress?

Why do you always do this to me? You put me in this position where I have to

tell you you look horrible or lie, so... I'm sorry, but I'm not going to answer.

So, everyone's been secretly thinking this? Oh, no, we talk about it all the

time.

Well, I'm off to the dentist.

Hope you sell a lot of copies.

portal to 1993.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Oh, well, first of all, this is atrocious.

What? That's a perfectly good mock turtleneck.

What about this sweater? Oh, come on, I love that sweater!

Aren't you afraid Bill Cosby may want it back?

I wear it when I, you know... Talk to Theo about the history of jazz?

Okay, oh, this double -breasted suit has to go. What are you... Oh, my God!

Okay. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You are not throwing away my cowboy

How long have you had these?

Since college.

I've been saving them in case I get invited to a hootenanny.

A what?

A hootenanny. You know, an old west party.

Gavin, this is your problem. You hang on to everything.

I do not.

You shouldn't live in the past.

Especially your past.

All right, fine.

I'll get rid of something.

Oh, okay.

Mark's little neck.

Double -breasted suit.

Cosby sweater.

Cowboy boots.

Okay.

What's that?

What? Nothing.

Now, what are you hiding in your hand?

What is that? All right, it's my skinny piano tie.

I wore it the night I lost my virginity.

Well, that night could have happened a lot earlier if you didn't have that tie.

Oh, my God, you're good. Rob, come back. Laugh like I just said something really

funny. Okay.

Good one, Kat.

Thanks. Oh, hi.

Hi. What's so funny? Nothing, just a little joke I told.

Well, jump that with us. single funniest thing I ever heard.

You with Katrina's unparalleled and not only produced convulsive laughter, but

it also made me think about the human condition.

Bravo, Katrina, bravo!

Well, can I hear it? Hear what?

The joke.

Oh, um, yeah, yeah. Um, okay.

There are these two guys, and they were skydiving, and their friend, the

pharmacist,

on a hunting trip. Remember that. That's important.

And, um, when they... You know what?

I shouldn't go on. It's super racist.

Oh.

Yeah. I'll get your muffin and juice.

Thanks. I'm just gonna grab a paper.

Okay. Gina, what are you waiting for? That was your opening.

What opening? I just told him I was a racist.

Well, stop being so negative.

Maybe he's a racist.

date him.

Long term.

Oh,

here you go. Thanks.

Listen, Rob, tomorrow's my birthday and I was wondering if you weren't doing

anything. You don't have plans on your birthday?

Actually, I... Of course she has plans on her birthday.

We're having a huge party.

Um, you should come.

Okay, that sounds fun. What's the attire?

Um, it's a hootenanny.

No, no, that sounds cool.

I've been saving some old cowboy boots.

Oh, well, then it's going to be here tomorrow night at 8 o 'clock.

Great. I'll see you then, partner.

Yee -haw!

Sweet! I have a date on my birthday.

Me? I told you.

Well, have fun.

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, have fun? I can't plan a hootenanny in a

day. But until now, I didn't even...

Another sexy bowling shirt?

Um, it's Kat's birthday tomorrow and I was wondering if we could have a party

here. It's going to be a hootenanny.

Uh, sure.

Finally have an excuse to wear those old cowboy boots I haven't saved.

Did you hear that?

Yesterday she said I had sex appeal and now she's planning a party. Wow, two

completely unrelated events.

Don't you think?

She'll have a drink or two.

I look best in dim lighting.

Never gonna get a better chance with her. Like they say, reach for the stars.

Which, when you think of it, is insane.

You're not even tall enough to change a light bulb.

Morning, everyone.

Hey, Skyler.

Well, I did it.

Donated everything to charity.

Didn't it feel great?

Actually, it did.

I gotta say, some needy people got a pretty nice box of clothes.

Yeah. It's a great day to be homeless.

Oh, and by the way, we're going to have a party here tomorrow night for Cat's

birthday. Great. It's a hootenanny.

Ah, very funny.

No, really, apparently that's a real thing.

Wait a minute, are you serious?

Yeah.

When did this hootenanny come about?

1800s.

There was a way for cowboys to unwind.

No, this one. Oh, um, just a few minutes ago.

I'm about to explode here. Um, I just donated my cowboy boots.

Oh, that's so strange. What are the odds of that?

Pretty good.

Who's an idea with this?

Skyler's. I can't believe you. You convinced me to give away my cowboy

and then the very next day you just decide to throw a hootenanny?

I know.

Weird, huh?

carried those boots from apartment to house to apartment for 15 years just

waiting for a hoot and then the very next day you invite me to one well what

you gonna do i don't know strangle you with my finny piano tie which i kept

look i had to come up with a party on

the spot for cat's birthday and you bought to put the thought in my head oh

it's my fault

that a Wild West party would be fun. Cowboys, cowgirls.

Diphtheria. What?

Truth be told, there was a little fun in the Old West.

Disease,

lawlessness, the cool desert sun.

It was not uncommon for one to die alone for lack of water. Your last image, a

vulture, prepared to peck out your eyes.

But at least I have my boots.

So she makes me feel like an idiot for saving these boots for a hootenanny, and

then the very next day, throws a hootenanny.

What kind of person does that?

Wow, I'm so sorry.

There's nothing sadder than a rich white guy who don't have boots for a

hootenanny.

Uh, so, is there some sort of procedure for getting back a donation you regret?

Sure. Just let me pull out one of my selfish bastard forms.

Fine, if you can find them, they're all yours.

Thank you.

That food is mine.

Well, that's weird, because I don't see your name on it. Actually, if you look

inside, you will see I'm Gavin.

Man, they're in the bin. If they're in the bin, they're out for grabs.

But the thing is, I just donated them this morning, and now I found out I have

hootenanny tomorrow night. It's very frustrating.

Well, I got a hootenanny tomorrow night, too.

Oh, God, hootenannies are hip again. I was one day away.

I'll tell you what, cuz.

I'll dance you for them.

What? A dance -off.

One who busts the precious moves takes home the boots.

Uh, yeah, I'm not gonna dance to you for them.

What's up, you scared?

You should be, because I got this.

Yeah, it'll work out. Don't worry about it. Check it.

I'm making butter.

I'm making butter.

I'm making butter.

What's so hard about that? This.

some crazy clump.

So, you're saying if I dance harder than you, I, uh, get my boots back?

You burn it, you earn it.

Is that a yes?

What part of you burn it, you earn it, don't you understand?

All of it.

Tough because you're both so offensive.

But I'm going to have to give it to Vanilla Ice.

day laborers from the Home Depot parking lot.

Um, is there a cute guy here?

Rob? Rob, no, no, no, not yet.

But, um, before he gets here, I wanted to talk to you about the outfit. Too

slutty? No, not at all. I think you look great.

No, not my outfit. Button it up.

What are you wearing? It's a Wild West party.

Hawaii's West.

I'm more West than you.

Well, I hope you like this conversation, because you're going to have it 50

times tonight.

I see that shirt in your closet.

The twisted thing is, I think you really enjoy this.

I think you're taking this whole costume thing too seriously. I mean, look

around. No one's really that dressed up.

Hi -ho, everyone.

Harold, you look great.

Oh, thanks.

Sadly, if I'd worn this in the actual Old West, I would have been labeled a

homosexual and beaten with an iron pot.

What's my gardener doing here?

Hey, Scarlett.

Oh, hi, Stuart. You look great.

Thanks. So do you.

I mean, you look really great.

You know, I really appreciate that stuff you were saying about me having a style

all on my own. You do. I like the way you dress.

You know, it's funny.

At work, we always fall into the roles of boss and employee, but at the end of

the day, we're just...

Cowboy and cowgirl.

Come here, sexy.

You look hot.

So do you.

Oh, um, Stuart, this is my date, Marth.

Whoa.

Please don't kill me and take my land.

Well, uh, please don't steal our women.

Bad news.

My relationship with Skylar has run into some big trouble.

Swedish Indians.

Oh, my God, it's him.

The guy who won my boots in an angry dance -off.

What? What part of guy who won my boots in an angry dance -off don't you

understand?

I think all of it.

Yo, I like your threads.

Very 1975.

I got them in 73.

Much respect.

I'll dance you for him.

I don't think he wanted to do that, son. That's how I got him in the first

place.

I should have dressed like an Indian.

Yeah, I'm sure of that bit.

Hey, that's not right. Those are my boots.

That's it. Rob's a no -show.

I'm gonna die alone.

Oh, Kat, come on. You're a great girl, and if this guy can't see that, then

maybe... Screw this. I'm getting my boots back.

Hey, what up? I'll tell you what up.

I bought those boots.

I broke them in, and then waited 15 years for a hootenanny.

So here's the deal, cuz.

You're gonna give me those boots, or I'm going to get some day labors to take

them off you.

I want these boots fizzle and squizzle.

I'll tell you what, since you're starting to scare me, I'll trade you for

flyer shirt.

My boots for the shirt?

Uh -huh.

You've got to dizzle.

Gavin. Hey, check it out. Got my boots back.

Oh, great. Then this ought to be an exciting five minutes for you as the

winds down.

right for wanting to keep them, and you were wrong.

Anyway, this is Sheila. She really wanted to meet you.

Oh, hi.

Hi. If you play your cards right, she could be another notch in your little

piano tie.

So, Sheila.

Look, I almost never do this, but I've been watching you all night, and I think

you're really cute.

Well, thank you. So are you.

And I was wondering if you're free tomorrow night, and you'd like to go to

party with me?

You know what? Yes, I would.

Great.

It's a luau.

Katrina, I just wanted to say happy birthday again.

Aw, thanks, Harold. Did you have a good time?

It was a great party for me. I got a lot of numbers.

You met some girls?

No, I'm building a retaining wall.

Copiers.

Well, we're going to get out of here, Kat.

Sorry about the cute guy.

I'm sure he just got held up at work or something.

Ten o 'clock on a Saturday night is a super hectic time for copier salesmen.

That's kind of helping you wouldn't think it through.

All right, well, good night. Happy birthday.

Bye, Skylar.

Bye.

Dances with Skylar.

I'm pathetic.

I was reaching for the stars.

No, I meant me. This whole thing was for a guy who didn't even care enough to

show up.

God, I feel like one of those boxers whose arms are so tired he can't even

them to protect the space.

You know what really sucks?

I got my hopes up.

Me too.

Yeah, but I wasn't delusional. Mine actually could have happened.

I don't think you realize how close I am to crying.

Why do we always do this to ourselves?

What?

Hope for happiness.

Because we deserve it.

Look at us. We're nice.

We're good people.

Yeah, why don't people just see us for who we really are?

I don't know.

I mean, if someone just took the time to get to know me, they'd realize that I'm

caring, I'm positive, I'm a good friend.

You are. You are, Kat.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. You too.

Happy birthday.

It's a very nice fake party.

Thanks. Oh, Stuart, you got something on you.

Come here.

Here.

Sorry about the spurs.

No problem.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. This won't be weird at work tomorrow, will it?

Absolutely. Yeah.