Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Uh,

excuse me, can I help you?

There's a guy named Gavin.

Yeah.

Do you still work here?

Yeah.

His name's Gavin.

Well, if there were a guy named Gavin here, would you want to talk to him or,

don't know, cut him?

Well, I definitely want to talk to him. So to be clear, not cut him.

Okay. Do you mind saying the phrase, I will not cut Gavin? I really got to make

a...

Skyler, could you please settle this for us?

Neither of you.

We need a sign to keep people off the ladder.

How about, please stay off the ladder?

Thank you.

Or, the more colorful, two rungs don't make a right.

What does that even mean? The thing. Two rungs don't make a right. I took a

popular aphorism and gave it the old Gavin Capow.

Okay, Gavin, there's a guy out there that I'm now hoping will cut you.

What? Who?

Oh, my God, it's Ray.

Crazy Ray?

Yeah. He was this poor mess of a man I used to know from the yarn spinners.

What's that?

It was my old author's group. We were a bunch of aspiring writers helping each

other through the creative process.

It was a lot like the Algonquin Roundtable.

Yeah, except they met at a Fuddruckers.

Can I help you?

I was just watching you.

Well, it's creepy. Stop it.

What part of me were you watching?

Your neck.

Well, that's kind of hot.

Hey, Ray.

Gavin. Oh, Gavin. Gavin.

like 45 times, but I didn't have a cell phone or a phone in my cell.

So, uh, what's been going on, Ray? Not much.

I finally found my birth mom.

Turns out she's also a whore.

Wow, what are the odds of a prostitute's baby being adopted by another

prostitute?

That's funny, huh?

I hate to bother you, but I'm going through kind of a rough patch right now.

Oh, yeah, sure. How much do you need? Oh, no, it's not money.

I finally finished my book.

And you want me to read it and give you some notes?

Oh, you would have given me notes?

Oh, man.

It's too late now.

It's already published. It's coming out tomorrow.

You got published?

How?

Fantastic is that.

Is it, though?

I mean, you're the only guy I ever knew who got published.

Did the reviews freak you out? Because I just read a few of mine, and oh, man.

Oh, yeah, look, Ray, don't let them get you down. I got some pretty brutal

notices myself.

Oh, no, no, no, they love my book. That's what's freaking me out.

What if it doesn't live up to the hype?

There's hype?

They're comparing me to Faulkner.

Who's comparing you to Faulkner?

Time.

High Times?

New York Times.

You know, Ray, when I said that I got some brutal reviews, I was just trying

make you feel better.

I actually got some pretty good notices. In fact, the Detroit Free Press called

my book a promising first effort.

Vanity Fair says mine defines a generation.

The bookworm gave mine two and a half apples.

Then you know what I mean.

How do you handle the pressure of success?

Well, the key is to remember where you came from and always keep your dignity.

Gavin, get your boots.

Toilets, Todd, again.

Damn it, who keeps flushing paper towels? Doesn't anyone read the signs?

What sign?

Five paper towels is not a royal flush.

The old Gavin Kapow.

Hey. Hey. So how was your weekend? Oh, it was great.

This guy took me to Vegas. He took me to see Elton John, who actually has a

really nice house.

And then he took me for a helicopter ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon,

where we, you know, had brunch.

What did you do?

I finished a puzzle.

Started a new one, too. 1 ,500 pieces. Seagulls, you know, so there's a lot of

white.

Oh, my God.

This is Gavin's friend.

Dad, by Raymond Clark.

Oh, right, that freak.

You still haven't called.

Oh, poor Gavin.

Why poor Gavin?

This is gonna kill him.

His book tanked.

Now instead of being a big successful author, he's selling his friend's book.

You should be happy when your friends become successful.

What are you, new here on Earth?

Oh, my God.

What? This is unbelievable.

Oh, come on. You've read one page. How good can it be?

It's okay, you guys. I'm totally fine with it.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, at first, I mean, I felt a tinge of jealousy, but instead of

wallowing in self -pity, I let Ray's book inspire me.

Can you believe this?

I went home Friday, started writing, haven't stopped since.

Wow, this is like 60 pages.

I'm just so excited, and I would love to hear what you guys think. Here you go.

Oh, me too?

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, thanks. I'd be happy to.

The opening sentence?

No, I got a paper cut.

This is a train wreck. I've been on the same page for ten minutes now.

Wow.

Didn't even get to the really boring part.

I have a headache.

You know, I want to like it. It's just not very... Good? Yeah.

You know, on the other hand, it is very... Bad? Right.

What are you going to say to him?

It's brilliant, Gavin! Bravo!

Come on, make it believable. Behind you. Bravo, Gavin!

Fantastic, man!

Nice! You really liked it?

Oh, Gavin, I like my mother.

I love this book.

Thank you. But come on, I want you to be honest. I mean, there must be something

about it you didn't like.

Yeah, that it ended.

Wow, this is amazing. I can't believe it.

I promise you, though, I plan to test their strength and resolve. I will honor

these characters you've come to know and love.

But I'll give you a hint.

One of them doesn't make it to the end.

I bet no one makes it to the end.

I'm back.

Oh, good. I was just finishing some notes on your story.

Notes? Yeah.

Well, I figured you want some feedback, right?

Absolutely. I didn't just give it to you guys to tell me it was brilliant like

Stuart and Kat just did, but let's hear it.

They thought it was brilliant?

Brilliant, fantastic, genius.

I don't remember the exact words. There was so much clapping.

Wow.

What does that mean?

Well, I mean, I kind of had a few problems with it.

Problems? What kind of problems?

Oh, just a little, with the story and the characters and the setting.

Is that all?

And the dialogue.

I hope I'm not being too harsh.

No, no, no, this is good, this is good. It's good to get an opinion from someone

who didn't go to college.

What does that mean?

Nothing, nothing. It's just a different perspective than I got from the college

-educated people out there who were Raven.

Okay, I get what this is. You just wanted me to tell you how good it is.

didn't really care what I thought.

No, no, no, no.

You're right. I'm sorry. I do want to hear.

Please.

Okay.

Well, first of all, it's kind of slow.

Whoa.

Yeah, well, you spent a lot of time describing stuff.

You spent four pages talking about that swimming pool.

Ah, you probably didn't understand what the pool represented.

Death?

Okay, you did understand.

And what I didn't get was why everyone was so in love with the Sebastian guy

when he was so completely bland.

Um, bland or enigmatic?

Bland.

Or brooding?

Bland.

All right, well, thanks for giving it a look -see. I appreciate it.

an hour writing these notes you don't want to hear them yeah no i'm just

beginning to sense that this isn't your kind of book you know it's my fault

sometimes i overestimate people why are you being such a jerk i mean you asked

my opinion i was very flattered i took this very seriously and now you belittle

me i'll take a dive in your death pool you

probably didn't even understand what the diving board represented a penis

Well, of course you'd get that.

No.

You two read Gavin's book and you thought it was brilliant?

Incredible. You didn't find it confusing?

No, we liked it. Loved it.

So you understood why everybody loved Sebastian?

I don't think everyone did love Sebastian.

I think they love what they saw in themselves in Sebastian.

But Sebastian slept with his brother's wife.

Well, it wasn't a happy marriage. Yeah, a lot of problems.

Sebastian doesn't have a brother.

You just didn't read it. Oh, but we tried.

It's just so freaking boring.

What? What's with that woman's fascination with the diving board? I'll

it to you later.

Well, why'd you tell him that you loved it? Now he's mad at me because I'm the

only one who didn't. You told him you didn't like it? Why would you do that?

Because he asked my opinion.

He doesn't want your opinion. He wants validation. It gives him confidence.

False confidence.

People have accomplished a great deal with false confidence.

Without false confidence, there'd be no pyramids, no space program, no Bruce

Willis album.

I know my brother, okay? And now is not the time for brutal honesty.

He's... vulnerable, what he needs is support and encouragement from his

like us.

Shut up. It's like sex.

Haven't you ever faked it just to boost a guy's ego?

Never.

That would only be reinforcing a bad habit.

Okay. How about you just get it over with?

Yeah, I've done that.

Well, just boost him up a little. I mean, you don't have to go overboard.

Thank you, thank you. At least some people appreciate my work.

about that.

These guys explained your book a little better to me, and now I think it's quite

amazing.

Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're the king, baby.

Don't beat yourself up. There's some pretty complex themes in this book.

Right. And some literary references with which you are perhaps unfamiliar.

Uh -huh.

You know, I could put together a little reading list which might better prepare

you... They hated it, too!

through it. What?

You're crazy.

She's crazy. You fake orgasms.

Well, explain to Gavin the significance of the treehouse.

Ah, nice try. There was no treehouse.

Yes, there was. I spent ten pages describing the summer they built it. It

signifies life.

Yeah, yeah.

The tree is life. It represents life. And the window was?

Open. There was no window.

Windows. Oh, that was one of my notes.

You know, you didn't have to lie to me, okay? I can take criticism. I'm not that

fragile. Hello, Gavin.

Oh, hey, Ray.

How's it going, Ray? Not so good.

I just sold the movie rights to my book.

Now I feel like some kind of cheap... Well, like my mom's.

Hey, Ray, Ray, maybe now is not the best time. No, no, no, no, Ray, Ray, you've

struggled for a long time and overcome huge obstacles.

Enjoy your success.

You deserve it.

Uh, excuse me, the sign says you're not allowed on the ladder.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

Well, you're stupid!

Nothing, just sitting here drinking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have a lady here?

No, why do you say that?

Look, son, I don't know what's wrong, but you're not going to find the answer

the bottom of that girly drink.

It's a book by my friend Ray. Oh, I heard this is great.

It is.

It's perfect.

And you're jealous of your friend's success.

No, I'm jealous because he's a writer and I'm not. The millions of dollars

going to make has nothing to do with it.

No. And the girls?

There'll be lots of girls.

Smart girls who take off their glasses and shake out their hair.

Well, thanks for stopping by, Harold. So did you go out and buy a coconut or

just have one laying around?

It was in a gift basket.

You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Your life isn't so bad. People give you gift baskets.

That's the problem.

My life is fine. It's ordinary.

Nothing to draw on.

Well, my friend Ray, raised by prostitutes, heroin addict by 11, three

years in jail, five years homeless, lucky son of a bitch had everything

to him.

You don't have to have.

tortured life to achieve great things, Gavin.

I mean, look at me.

I helped build the propulsion system that put man on the moon, and I had a

perfectly normal upbringing.

Really? Absolutely.

I went to school, did my chores, Little League, Norman Rockwell, all the way.

Although, my dad did give me a girl's bike.

a girl's bike anymore because I'm a huge success daddy.

Well I gotta walk.

I have no idea why I can't sleep.

And then I said some things to cheer him up and went all my way.

I feel so bad for him.

Oh, feel bad for me. I had a girl's bite.

But he must be so depressed.

You know what I don't understand?

Where did he get the coconut?

That's what I wondered. He claims it was from a gift basket, but I have my

doubts.

Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

You, uh, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Oh, I see.

Harold told you about it last night.

No, no, look, we really care about you, and we just want to make sure you're

okay.

Seriously.

Where'd you get the coconut?

I don't want to come off like a hard -ass here, but we said we'd share any

basket.

Look, I appreciate everyone's concern.

Harold certainly did catch me at a low point, but since then, something pretty

amazing has happened.

More chapters?

No.

I had an epiphany.

I am not a writer.

No, no, no, it's okay. It's actually incredibly freeing. You know, I realize

that I don't need to be a writer to be happy.

I'm a bookseller, and you know what? I'm a damn good one. Um, excuse me, do you

have any... I sell great book that other

people have written, and I'm totally fine with that.

You sure about this? Yeah, you're really going to stop writing?

I am.

I'm telling you guys, for the first time I can remember, I am completely at

peace.

Wow.

Okay, then.

You are so full of crap.

What? I mean, you once wrote a novel that someone thought was good enough to

publish. You're an artist. You can't just turn that off.

I guess I'm different.

No, no. So you're telling me that doesn't bother you that you'll never

success that Ray has right now?

Not one bit.

It's not eating you inside that you're just walking away from your life's

Hey, Skye, there's a beehive outside in the parking lot. Do you want to go poke

that with a stick?

Seriously, cool it.

Yeah, you're going to drive right back to the coconut.

No, she's not.

I'm fine.

Well, I don't buy it.

With what you're going through, you must be just ready to explode.

What do you want to hear, Skyler, that I'm just consumed with jealousy and

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. In fact, I spend every day just staring at books written by other

people, fearing one day I'm just going to snap and descend into madness.

Oh, yeah. Maybe I'll just hunt down each living author, starting with the A's.

I'll leave intricate clues for the wildly successful author Crazy Ray, just

prove I'm smarter than he is.

I'll let him live just long enough to finish his next manuscript so I can

it, publish it under my name, and reap the fame and fortune that I could never

have on my own.

Why don't you write that?

What? A story like that, where stuff happens.

Really? Absolutely.

Yeah, that's a great idea. It's fantastic.

Please, you said the same thing about the crap I wrote this weekend.

But, Skylar, you really think it's good?

Yeah, I do.

Maybe there's a kernel of an idea there.

I'm going to get some of this down.

Yeah.

You know, that really is a great idea.

It was when I saw it on Murder, She Wrote.