Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Morning, Harold.

Double cappuccino, cat. Top, top.

Got a lot to do. Very busy day.

What are you up to?

Bert Henderson, my associate from Caltech.

was having his 75th birthday bash, and I've been asked to prepare a toast.

And, of course, everyone expects it to be funny coming from me.

Why?

Because I'm the funny one.

Seriously?

I am dead serious.

I've always been a staunch proponent of humor.

I never really noticed.

Are you trying to be funny?

Because I don't get it.

And, of course, if it was funny, I would get it.

I don't appreciate your patronizing attitude, Kat.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. Gotcha.

By pretending to be upset over such a trivial matter, I set up a false

expectation, which, as Aristotle wrote, is the very basis of comedy.

That and a guy getting hit in the nuts.

you are. You just missed a call.

From who?

Uh, somebody named Nikki Foose.

Nikki Foose?

Oh, God, I was hoping I'd never hear that name again.

Hey, Skye, did you get the message from Nikki Foose?

I wonder how she found me. What did she say?

Uh, she said she wanted to stop by.

What'd you tell her? Nothing. I just gave her directions.

Why'd you do that? She's a complete psycho, and she's dangerous.

Well, I'd tell you to go hide in our panic room, but someone thought that'd

waste of money.

Did you learn nothing from the movie? It's worse than the panic room.

Who is the sneaky person? We used to be friends until she started competing with

me about everything.

Who had the best hair? Who had the biggest boobs?

Just out of curiosity.

Who did have the biggest?

Sometimes her, sometimes me.

And then she started obsessing on who had the most songs written about them.

who cares about that kind of stuff?

I was ahead.

But then she went through this experimental period and apparently her

Melissa Etheridge just clicked.

Interesting.

What's keeping her?

You know, and then the night I met my boyfriend, Eddie, she saw me talking to

him. So she totally came over and started flirting with him.

She hiked her skirt up so high it looked like a tube top.

So, I had to bust out the big guns. You just whipped him out at a party?

I charmed him with my famous impression of Woody Allen.

Get me back to Manhattan. I'm so neurotic.

It was the boobs.

No, but you gotta see it with the glasses.

Yeah, I'm sure it was the lack of eyewear that detracted from your

flawless impression.

Why are you talking like that?

I didn't even know they released her.

Release her from where? A woman's prison?

Am I the only one aroused right now?

No.

It wasn't a woman's prison. It was a psych ward with guards.

But I did hear she was strapped to the bed.

Still aroused.

Ditto.

You hear that sound?

What sound?

That high -pitched sound.

Oh.

Why are you cackling?

I thought it was another one of your jokes.

No, I don't hear anything.

Well, it's there.

I can't write my toast.

What would you do if it was an annoying sound keeping you from doing your work?

I'd serve it a cappuccino and move on.

That's not funny, Kat.

Well, maybe it would be if I kicked you in the nuts.

Hi, Nicky.

Stuart. I hope this doesn't turn into a cat fight.

Yeah, that would be horrible.

You look fantastic.

So do you. My God.

You both. You both look fantastic.

Wow. I'm Stuart.

Nicky Foose.

So, this is weird, huh?

Yeah, it is kind of weird.

You, me, all these witnesses.

So, how are you? Seeing any...

Maybe.

The last time I introduced you to a boyfriend, your shirt accidentally fell

Yeah, um, listen, I know I was a little crazy the last time we talked.

Yeah. Some things were said, some things were thrown.

Me, into a pool, actually.

I really thought that was full of water.

There are kids skateboarding in it.

I've had a lot of time to think, and I'm really...

trying to be a better person, and I just want to say I'm sorry.

No.

I got it from here, Stuart.

Thank you.

We were good friends once, Skylar. I miss that.

Look, if you want to, I'd love to take you to lunch.

Somewhere public, right?

Oh, I have to take this. It's my brother, Bruce.

Bruce Booth?

She seems pretty nice.

Maybe two will be friends again.

Oh, yeah.

And maybe magical monkeys will just swoop down.

No, she seemed kind of genuine to me.

Oh, well, it's a little hard to trust somebody after they've burned you.

With a soldering iron.

She came all the way down here just to apologize.

Why not go to lunch with her?

Yeah, who knows? Maybe she'll surprise you. Oh, that's what you want from a

psychopath. Surprises.

All I'm saying is, Nikki seems really sincere.

You think so?

Yeah, I think so.

And for what it's worth, there is no competition between you and Nikki.

already won. Oh.

Stuart. Well, you know, maybe I'll go to lunch with her. Thanks for being so

sweet.

So, are you ready to go?

Just for a couple of seconds, please.

Maybe

the

sound is coming from the espresso machine. Let's take it apart.

I'll just ignore it. Meanwhile, you ignore this.

Just go about your business, Captain.

Now, back to making coffee, then.

Something like this happened to my grandmother. We're about a week away

Harold showing up for Mahjong wearing only his panties.

Maybe it's coming from up here.

Harold, no one else...

Nonsense.

Everyone, raise your hand if you hear a humming sound.

Tee -ha!

He hears it. I've been hearing it since 1963.

Same year aliens put a transmitter up my rectum.

Well, we'll look till last.

Why are you breathing so hard? I mean, don't stop, but you okay?

I'm fine.

Nikki and I had a great lunch.

We worked out all that competition stuff, and then we raced each other

I won, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what? You were right about her.

She totally has changed. I never would have given her a second chance if it

wasn't for you and that bottle of sake I drank.

You drank a bottle of sake?

No, you look like a panda bear.

You look like a panda bear.

Sadly, yes.

I feel a little woozy. I think I need to lie down.

Use the couch in my office. There's a sleep mask in the desk.

Thanks, Stuart. What would I do without you, my little panda bear?

Hey.

Hey. I thought you guys had a little race.

I would have won if she hadn't rolled that dumpster in front of me.

I'm glad you guys are friends again.

So, how long have you two been together?

Me and Skylar?

I don't blame her for not telling me, given our history.

No. No, really. She's not my girlfriend.

She told you to say that, right?

Has come up.

Oh, come on.

I see the hugs, the cute little nicknames.

Panda Wanda.

She's afraid I'm going to try and steal you.

I don't think she's worried about that.

Well, she should be Pardon?

I don't know if you can tell by what I'm wearing But I have a killer body

I can kind of tell And

I want nothing more than to bring you back to my hotel For a night of the

wildest, kinkiest sex of your life We're going to do things that would embarrass

porn stars

a snack.

Then I'm going to take off your handcuffs and we're going to do it all

again.

And Skylar never has to know.

So what do you say?

Hey, she may be my girlfriend, but she doesn't know me.

On the toast.

The buzzing.

I heard it all night.

Don't be crazy.

That happened to me with who let the dogs out.

Harold, no one else hears it. Maybe you should see a doctor.

Maybe you're right.

Back at NASA, I was exposed to a lot of dangerous substances.

When Apollo 11 landed, I handled the moon rocks.

I juggled them with my bare hands.

There was so much pressure on me to be funny.

Morning, Stuart.

What happened to your wrists?

What? They're all bruised. It looks like you were handcuffed.

Handcuffed? No, no. I was trying on watches.

Well, did you get any?

Oh, yeah.

Amazing thing just happened to me last night.

Does it involve junk food or sex?

Actually, both.

I slept with Nikki Foose.

And then I had a McGriddle.

How did this happen?

Nikki really did want to get back at Skylar.

And she thinks I'm Skylar's boyfriend.

I'm sorry, she thinks you're Skylar's boyfriend?

What is that supposed to mean? Come on, what am I, an orc from the barren

kingdom of Mordor?

I can't believe this. I know. That's what I kept saying the whole time.

That and thank you so, so much.

So she had sex with you. Yeah.

Just to get back at Skylar. Uh -huh. And you went along with it? Yeah.

Why?

Can you for once just be a dude?

Have you seen her naked?

Oh, of course not. Would you like to?

When did you get a camera phone? Be a dude.

Wow, I'm starting to get it. Check out this one.

I just lost it. Why?

I can see your wiener.

What are those marks on your wrist?

She handcuffed me to the bed.

Do you know how dangerous that could be? What if there was a fire?

You know, this was such a fun story when I showed up here.

So, what are you going to tell Skyler?

I'm not going to tell her anything.

Well, Nikki will.

That's the whole reason she did it. I'm telling you, if Skylar finds out about

this, she'll probably never speak to you again.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I had sex with a beautiful girl. Why are you

ruining this?

Okay, okay, put yourself in Skylar's shoes. Here, name someone you hate.

Darth Vader.

I can't believe she slept with you.

You need to tell her the truth before she hears it from Nikki. But this is

to kill Skylar.

She and I have a very special relationship.

After American Idol, we always call each other in Dish.

Oh, and I'm not a dude?

Tyler?

Yeah? I wasn't really trying on watches last night.

That was with Nikki.

What?

I had sex with her.

What?

She thought I was your boyfriend. She seduced me and I had sex with her.

What?

Actually, if you pay attention, he's being pretty clear.

She saw us talking and then he hugged me and you were right and I was wrong. She

really was out to get you and we... We know, we know. You had sex with her.

is the braggartest apology ever.

I can't believe it.

I'm so sorry.

She's back with you?

She thought she was stealing my boyfriend and she slept with you?

finds out that she had sex with you for absolutely no reason.

I'll get my camera.

Okay, this is taking a weird turn here.

It's not that hilarious that somebody actually slept with me. All right,

not allowed to get upset. You lied to a woman just to have sex.

When did I stop being a dude?

No, no, Stuart.

Stuart, I didn't mean that you were the booby prize. I really was trying to...

No, no, no, no, no. I read you loud and clear. No. No, it's preposterous to

think that somebody like that could have a great night of sex with somebody like

me. Because I'm just a big...

Goofy panda bear.

Except, judging from those handcuff marks, he has a lot less trouble mating

captivity.

Stop doing that!

So what did the doctor say?

He couldn't find anything wrong with me, but it wasn't for lack of probing.

biological problem.

Nah, I think they're told to probe.

No, the buzzing, Harold.

Maybe it's in your head. When did it start?

Yesterday, right after Bert's brother called and asked me to give a toast.

Maybe you don't really want to give the toast and this is your way of getting

out of it.

Nonsense. It's the least I can do after all the hard work Bert's brother has

done planning this party. Certainly more than my no good gin -swilling brother

would do for me.

Well, how long has it been since you guys spoke?

Ten years.

I don't even remember what the fight was about.

Harold, it's been so long. Don't you think it's about time to make peace?

You're right.

Maybe this buzzing is a wake -up call to reconnect with Millard before it's too

late. You haven't spoken to him in ten years, and you know his number by heart?

He still lives with Mother.

I mean, he's only 56.

But tell me you miss him.

Millard?

It's Harold.

Yes, yes, I know. It has been too long.

Oh, there's so much I need to tell you.

I felt compelled to call you because of this loud buzzing sound.

Wait, I can't hear you.

My phone is making a loud buzzing sound.

laughing? Well, I hope so, because I think I pulled something in my back.

Oh, come on, Stuart. Don't be mad.

Look it.

I get to stick it to Nicky. You got to stick it to Nicky.

Everyone's happy.

Maybe I don't want everybody to be happy.

Maybe, you know, I thought you'd be a little bothered.

I mean, here I am, all worried about your feelings.

You know, because, you know, with the way we talk and...

American Idol calls.

I just thought... You thought I'd be jealous?

Or at least disappointed.

Or annoyed. Or betrayed.

Anything. Except completely entertained.

Oh, Stuart, come back.

Hi, Skyler.

Hi, Stuart.

Hi, Nikki.

I mean, hi, Nikki.

Wait, let me grab my camera.

years ago when you stole Eddie from me?

Nikki, for the hundredth time, I didn't steal Eddie from you.

Yes, you did.

But now we're even.

I slept with your boyfriend, Stuart.

And he clearly liked it with me more than with you because it seemed like he

hadn't had sex in two years.

Well, I hate to burst your little bubble, Nikki, but I already know.

What? Stuart, Stuart, scooch.

I forgive him.

What? What?

Yeah, I mean, obviously this really hurts.

But I'm at fault here. I've taken Stuart for granted lately.

I haven't let him know how much I love having him in my life and how important

he is to me.

You really mean that?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

That picture, please.

He's going to want to look at that. Look at that.

Baby, if you want to be with Nicky, I... No.

No. I'd rather be with you.

What? Although, there's a way that the three of us could...

No, don't push it.

You know, when I first met you, Stuart, I really didn't get it.

But now I do.

You do?

Yeah. You're a nice guy.

And the sex?

Well, wow.

seen anyone appreciate it so much.

Skyler, you're a lucky girl.

I know I am. But I have bigger boobs.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. I just haven't had them put in yet.

Skyler, that was unbelievable.

I really appreciate everything you said.

Well, I meant it.

But... Why did you pick me over her?

I didn't want to make you look bad. I don't care about that.

I wanted to get you a little more action.

You mean I just dumped her for nothing?

Pretty much.

Now that's a good picture.