Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

I can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

Your tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own will serve you

in the coming week.

Oh, my God, it's totally true. I do put other people's needs ahead of my own.

Read mine. I'm a Capricorn. Hold on. I'm not finished with me yet.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Is my friend Eve coming yet? I haven't seen anybody.

Who's Eve?

Oh, she's my oldest friend. I've known her since fourth grade. I can't wait to

see her. It's been years.

And she's meeting me here for coffee.

Oh, interesting. Usually when I meet people for coffee, it's before or after

job.

Well, she's only here for a few days, and she can't meet me before work.

We open at the crack of dawn.

Ten.

We open at ten?

Oops.

So this friend of yours, is she cute?

Yes, she's cute in a non -traditional kind of way.

Yeah,

my mother set me up with a girl like that.

She'd wear a bell around her neck.

Well, it's great.

Fun, smart, fantastic personality.

Add desperate and you get Stewart's personal ad.

You answered it, loves the dance.

And that blind date was their own awkward little piña colada song.

Yes, good news.

What is it?

There's finally some activity in the hang sang.

Good for you, Harold. I hope when I'm your age I can brag about some activity

down there.

The hang sang. is the Hong Kong financial index.

I do quite well in the Asian markets, including the Korean one in my

neighborhood where the widow Kang will tell you I have plenty to brag about.

Describes us.

I can't believe it. You look so different. I do?

Yeah, I mean, you used to be so... So what?

Are you trying to tell me that I used to look like a dog and now I'm totally

hot?

No. Well, could you please? Because I didn't spend 30 grand on plastic surgery

to hear you haven't changed a bit.

Oh, plastic surgery.

Now it makes sense.

She's gorgeous.

What do you suppose she looked like before?

Us?

Oh, and you did the boobs. They look fantastic.

You want to feel them? Can I? Sure, take it for a spin.

Okay, now there's a little activity in my hang sink.

You know, I read this theory why men are so turned on by watching two women.

Apparently, it has to do with a mother -son... Shut up, you're ruining it.

Do they feel like yours?

I think so. May I? Come on.

This is highly unprofessional. I should probably tell him to stop.

great. Before the surgery, I never really had the confidence to talk to

was always so self -conscious.

But now, guess what?

I'm engaged!

I missed the grabbing, but the jumping's good, too.

That diamond is so huge, it can't be real.

It's the only thing on me that is.

I'm so thrilled for you. When's the big day?

Tomorrow afternoon.

Wow, that's quick. I know.

Charlie doesn't want to waste a minute. It's going to be very small, just us.

I'm hoping you're free.

I want you to be my maid of honor.

Oh, Eve, I'm so touched. Of course I'm free.

Uh, I'm sorry, but does a work schedule mean nothing to you?

Well, I'll make it up by working on Saturday.

You're already supposed to work Saturday.

Well, I was going to call in sick.

So when do I get to meet the Charlie?

Any minute. He just ran into that sporting goods store to pick up some

balls. Oh, a tennis player?

They have the best bodies.

tennis balls, I'm flying.

You'll break a finger.

Oh, and this is Charlie's caregiver, Nixie. Not that he really needs one.

very independent and healthy.

I've restarted his heart four times.

Twice since he met me.

Oh, and these are my bosses, Stuart and Gavin. Hi there.

So, you guys are engaged?

Yes. Exciting, isn't it?

And how'd you two crazy kids meet?

bought them last month in Forbes magazine, and I was so inspired by his

entrepreneurial skills and his can -do spirit that I sent him a letter.

With a picture of herself in a bikini licking a popsicle.

Nixie's just upset because she's afraid she'll be replaced once we get married.

Yeah, it'd be a real shame to lose this dream job.

So you've only known each other a month, huh?

What do you do, Charlie?

He actually owns a number of businesses around the world. Resorts, factories,

oil wells. The man is a genius.

I had three bananas today.

Well, we better get going.

We've got a noon reservation at Maria's.

Well, it's only 11 .15 and Maria's is right across the street. I know, but

going to walk.

Hey, come with.

Oh, sure.

Come with us, please.

Well, maybe we should meet for drinks later.

Sure. We'll meet after dinner. Say 4 .30, 5 o 'clock?

at Bed Bath & The Great Beyond.

Well, she doesn't need much for the wedding. She's already got something old

blue.

You leave him alone. He might not be as old as he looks.

The pyramids aren't as old as he looks.

Maybe he likes her because she reminds him of his first girlfriend, also named

Eve.

A lot of women like older men. Oh, please. He's old enough to be her

He's old enough to be her forefather.

Okay.

Okay, you guys, just stop it, okay? No one knows what the relationship is

like.

No more jokes, please.

Oh, you're right, Skylar. I'm sorry.

Besides, with age comes wisdom. I'm sure he could teach her a lot of things.

Yeah.

Like how to build an ark.

He's like 90 when he gets a beautiful woman like that.

Meanwhile, I'm young and single and smart and funny and desperate.

We all read the ad.

Women are so shallow.

All they care about is money.

Not all women only care about money.

Oh, the super hot ones do.

Then you're going to need a lot of money.

Surely you've built up your assets over the years.

What's your portfolio like?

Well, I do have a pretty healthy savings account.

There's nothing healthy about savings accounts.

Canadian football generates more interest.

If you want to make money, you have to take risks.

I don't know, Harold. I mean, I'm not comfortable gambling with my savings.

market's so volatile.

Do you want to be smart, funny, and desperate, or smart, funny, and wealthy?

And desperate.

I'll get my passbook.

And just for the record, my ad never said desperate.

All those ads say desperate.

I can't believe Eve is going through

with this.

Yeah.

So, uh, what kind of a wedding do you think they're going to have?

Open casket?

Gavin, enough.

Enough?

He's so old, he lost his virginity in the back of a chariot.

I just can't believe it that she's marrying him for his money.

Eve is so much better than that.

Yeah? Yeah, I mean, I can imagine using what you got to get little things like

free drinks, a nice dinner, condo.

But not marriage. Someone gave you a condo?

One bedroom, no ocean view. It was like a slap in the face.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know, sell it before the market crashes.

About the wedding. Are you still going to go?

Well, what can I do? She asked me to be her maid of honor. I can't just back out

now. Even though you think what she's doing is wrong.

All right.

Oh, come on, Gavin. Not every marriage is a fairy tale.

You know, you got divorced.

You have no idea how painful it is to end a marriage.

Actually... Your own marriage.

Oh. I took my vows very seriously, and I was devastated when Charlotte and I

split up.

I guess I'm just saying I couldn't be part of a wedding I didn't believe in.

Well, great.

So my options are back out and end a friendship or abandon my morals and

to enjoy something when really deep down it just makes me sad.

Which is basically how I got my condo.

Harold, you're a genius.

Just logged on to check that stock you recommended. I'm already up 3%. In two

hours. Oh, don't forget, you're in for the long haul. What the stock does

to minute is irrelevant.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

3 .5%. I'm on fire!

So, 3 .3%. We should sell, right? We should sell? Should we sell? We should

sell, right? How do you sell? How do you sell? Sell!

Stuart, the market is like a roller coaster.

If you panic and jump out too soon, you'll plummet to your death and have to

scraped off a boardwalk by a corny.

Worse! summer job I ever had.

So how do you deal with it?

Sawdust.

No, no, the anxiety.

Oh, the anxiety?

I would usually just get high with the clowns.

Where do you get your mouthwits?

I'm so glad you can make it.

So you wanted to talk?

Yeah, let's go in the office.

Wow,

I just shot up another 5%. Ew, just put a book in front of it.

I want to tell you how touched I am that you chose me to be your maid of honor.

Well, you're my oldest friend. Who else would I ask?

Yeah.

I don't know how to tell you this, but I can't be in your wedding.

What?

I just don't think it's right that you're marrying Charlie.

Is it because he's Jewish?

Don't worry, I'm converting. I've already started taking classes.

It has nothing to do with his religion.

Well, then what's with all this mishigas?

at my wedding, Skylar. You're mishpulka.

That means family.

I know. I picked up a little Yiddish when I went to Lenny Kravitz and Seder.

Skylar, why don't you just say what you have to say?

Okay.

I just can't stand by you and watch you marry a man for his money.

What a horrible thing to say!

Maybe, but it's true, isn't it? No! I love Charlie. His money?

You're just jealous.

who loves me and wants to take care of me and you can't stand it. That's

ridiculous. Oh, yeah?

Maybe it's just easier for you to feel sorry for me than to be happy for me.

Maybe you liked me better when I was ugly. I never thought you were ugly.

That's probably the only reason you hung out with me. Because it made you feel

superior.

I hung out with you because I liked you. I didn't hang out with you because you

were ugly. I knew it.

You thought I was ugly.

All right.

But even with your unibrow and your pelican nose and your little dead

you're not my maid of honor. The last thing we need at our wedding is a

old... Who are you calling bimbo, you schicksal

goddess?

That means bitch in Yiddish.

Seriously, who are you?

Munchables decimated Argentina's cotton crop, sending shockwaves to the global

textile markets.

Plus, the grocery store is offering 50 cents off Munchables.

Can I see that?

All my money's in textile stock.

Do you think this Weevil thing is going to affect the share price? Are you

kidding? I'm surprised if it hasn't happened already.

My God, I've got to get online.

Oh, Stuart, wait! What? What? What in a fiesta, Munchables?

Jalapenos and Peppa Jack and these little... I don't have time for this.

Seriously, you pulled each other's hair? What are you, 12?

I'm not 12, but she is.

So you're not going to the wedding?

I've been sitting here all morning thinking about it. Of course she's not

to the wedding. It's a sham.

Well, it's a time when your best friend's making... Well, so what if it's

sham? It's her friend's sham, and Skylar should be there to support her.

Not if she doesn't approve of what Eve's doing, and she doesn't. It's not as

simple as that. You think it was a picnic for Eve, hanging around with

her whole life, always in her shadow?

No, no, no. She was never in my shadow. I mean, I'm sure Skylar always had a

boyfriend and Eve was always alone. And now Eve finally got herself a guy and

Skylar should be there for her.

I never thought of it like that. But, no, when you think about it... There's

nothing to think about.

Skylar's not going to the wedding because she's taking a moral stand. But

not her stand to take.

Did Eve ever stick by you when you did something questionable?

Is it my turn to talk?

Actually, Eve always stood by me and... Actually, this is one time in high

school. This is different. This is marriage, okay?

You've never been married. You don't know what you're talking about. Wow!

What are you doing?

You're acting like a jerk. I'm not the jerk. You're the jerk.

Stop it! Don't stop it! Hey, this really hurts. Let go!

I'll do it. Let go!

Stop it! You know, I love the boob touching.

I like the jumping.

This is not so sexy.

And he'd give us a penny candy.

And a pat on the head.

Of course, that was a raise since you used to pay us in onions.

Thank you, Charlie.

And now Eve will read the vows that she has prepared.

Marriage. What does it mean?

Well, M is for matrimony, which is another way of saying marriage.

A is for always, which is how long I will love you.

Ours for romance.

Which we have plenty of.

Is he all right?

He's fine. He's fine. Where was I? You were about to take all of his money.

You had me from hello and you complete me. You're up, Rabbi.

All right.

So with God as our witness, I now pronounce you man that... Wait, wait.

sorry. Skylar? Abe, I'm so sorry.

I should never have judged you.

You know, and if I made you feel bad all those years, I never meant to.

Oh, I'm sorry, too.

And if you want me to, I'd love to be your maid of honor.

Of course I do.

May we continue now? No, I have a few more words.

Eve, you're one of my best friends in the whole world, and you've always stood

by me, and I am honored to be standing here by you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay, you can continue now, Rabbi.

I don't think so.

Why? What's wrong?

He's dead.

stock this morning?

Not my stock.

Got out yesterday.

What in God's name did you sell?

Because you told me to. Remember I said I was going online?

I assumed to buy more. I bought as many shares as I could.

You bought?

But the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the weevils.

The weevils that ate all the cotton. Thereby diminishing the supply and

the price of textiles through the roof.

It's tripled and split twice since yesterday. Tripled and split?

I could have been rich.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do anything foolish. I don't want to have to break

the sawdust.

Eve, again, I'm so sorry about Charlie.

You know what?

In my way, I really did love him.

I don't believe it. You must have made a small fortune.

Oh, I invested a small fortune, which turned into an incredibly large...

Do I have to spend it all?