Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what's inside. This is the new story of my life.

And if you sign up for our membership card, I can take 20 % off right now.

I know exactly which 20 % I want you to take off.

Which? I... I wouldn't... How to pick up women is in aisle eight.

Yes, ma 'am.

I just got bad news, Gavin.

Oh, no? What is it?

The maddest, baddest scientists just canceled for tomorrow.

The maddest, baddest scientists.

Scientists? Idiots like him reduce science to soap bubbles.

And bacon soda volcanoes.

You're right.

If only we had a real scientist here. Someone with years of experience.

with a lot of free time on their hands. Darn it, Harold. I'm raising my eyebrows

suggestively.

We got it. Come on, Harold. These Saturday kids events are a huge draw for

If I wanted a lecture to a bunch of ungrateful brats whose only

are playing video games and throwing up, I never would have left Dartmouth.

Fine.

Stuart will do it. Why me?

Because I had to clean up after that monkey for your brilliant Curious George

promotion.

So, if I do it, Harold, will you at least give me some pointers? I suppose,

don't give yourself any clever name. There's nothing funny about calling

yourself a mad scientist.

I knew a real mad scientist once.

People died.

I also knew a nutty professor.

Hey, Skyler, this just came for you.

Oh, good, finally.

Oh, damn it. What's wrong?

The diamond earrings.

Oh, poor thing.

I'll trade you for my shut -off notice from the gas company.

They're a present from Eddie.

He was supposed to send me my grandfather's watch back.

I let him wear it when we were together, and now he's holding it hostage, so I

have to come see him. And you can't do that because?

I don't trust myself with him.

Eddie has this power. He's very charming, despite the cheap lawyers to

back. Cheap? I would have given him my entire grandfather for these.

Hi, Eddie.

It's Skylar.

Yeah, I got the earrings.

Now cut the crap and give me the watch like you're supposed to.

No, I'm not going down there.

That's right.

Fine.

Thank you.

I'm meeting him for drinks in ten minutes.

You can't get sucked back in by him again. Think about all the bad stuff he

Yeah. The guy cheated on you left and right. He's completely meretricious.

Professor?

Meretricious is a word people use to say, Hey, look at me. I know the word

meretricious.

It means he's deceitful. Well, I want that watch back.

My grandfather died, and that's my only link to him.

And if I get it back, I can finally put Eddie behind me for good.

Again.

Well, then just go down there and get it yourself.

You know, be a man about it. Whatever the female equivalent of man is.

That'd be you.

Look, you did go screaming into the office when Curious George got loose.

Did you see what he was doing to my leg?

If you ask me, he was bi -curious George.

I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you gonna say to him?

I don't know.

Look, you have to go unprepared.

Let me show you what to say. You be Eddie.

Okay? And I'll be you.

Okay, well, I'll give it a try.

Starler, baby, I missed you so much.

I love you.

I was an idiot to let you get away.

Eddie?

I mean... Eddie?

That was supposed to be me? Do I sound like a Muppet?

Eddie, I want a different kind of man. Someone who's with brains and with

substance and who's still very attractive, but not in that, you know, I

sort of way.

Oh, come on, baby.

What we had was so special.

The way we made love.

Every nerve on fire.

Our bodies fitting together like an oily jigsaw puzzle.

You want that, don't you?

I do want that.

See?

It's impossible.

He's irresistible. I'm never going to get that watch back.

Oh, my God. You could have built a watch by now. Where is he?

Mick's Tavern.

Mick's Tavern around the corner?

You know what?

I'll go get it just to show you how easy this is.

Well, it's not that easy.

Well, it is if you stand up for yourself and show a little backbone. You'll have

your watch in ten minutes.

Well, be careful.

He's got a temper.

What's he going to do? Take a swing at me in a public place? Yeah, you're

Nobody ever fights at an Irish pub.

Well, I think I can be decorous enough to handle the situation.

Decorate? Is that fair?

Means he didn't date much in high school.

You know, Tyler, my knitting group is meeting here tonight.

Yeah? You should come.

Knitting? We also drink.

with guys, it's good to talk to other women.

No, no, no, no. No.

But thanks.

Why not?

Well, I'm not really much of a group of women type of girl. What's wrong with

women?

Nothing. If they're by themselves.

But get them together and they become catty and competitive and they want

everything that you have.

When did you get so cynical?

Oh, I don't know.

Can I have my earrings back?

Skyler, this is not about me.

You need to talk to other people going through what you've been through.

I don't know. Well, come on.

It'll be fun and they're really sweet.

All right.

Okay, great. We meet about 7 .30.

Well, should I bring anything?

No, but wear a bra or they'll think you look like a whore.

Excuse me, Eddie?

Yeah? Hi, I'm Gavin Miller. My brother and I own the bookstore where Skylar

works.

Where's Skylar?

Well, actually, I'm here instead.

Eddie, Skylar wants you to back off.

Okay, no more gifts, no more phone calls. She just wants you to give me her

grandfather's watch so she could move on with her life.

Eddie, get your hands off me or so help me God, I will ask you a second time to

get your hands off me.

It's over.

I can't believe it.

It kind of was like the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

You know what I'm going to miss about her the most?

Come on, Eddie, I'd rather you not get sentimental.

She was a hellcat in a sack.

What's the matter with us?

Us? Yeah.

You're obviously a player.

Good -looking guy. You must get a lot of women.

Well, I don't know about a lot, but I never kept count, really.

Why aren't we ever satisfied?

Well, it's interesting. You know, genetically speaking, males aren't

for monogamy.

Instead, we instinctively seek as many mates as possible.

Damn genetics!

You know, you're a really smart bloke.

Well... I don't know about that.

I mean, I did almost get a perfect SAT score.

I would have if I didn't have mono.

Did you know one of the very few species of animals that mate for life is the

whooping crane and the ugly guy?

I mean, why would guys like us have to fight our natural instincts, eh?

Like with those two beautiful ladies.

Oh, those seem hungry for some company. You want to stick around?

Oh, you probably just want to take the watch and get going. I'm sure you've got

a girlfriend anyway.

What? I'm not a whooping cream.

Ahoy!

I am the Wizard of Physicstan.

virgin island hey kid here

are two ordinary eggs wow

why did one egg sink while the other one floated

What? It's a perfectly valid example of density. No, you're a perfectly valid

example of density.

Your egg didn't float.

Wizards don't say, ahoy.

And that costume is historically inaccurate.

Well, then help me.

Fine. I'll do it my way.

No more moronic costumes. No idiotic magic tricks. Just pure, beautiful

science.

Thank you, Harry.

Just keep in mind, they're just kids. Not kids.

When I was a kid, I turned a toaster into a radio.

Lousy sound.

But 1080 on the AM dial was the perfect setting for an English model.

Hey, what's up?

What are you wearing?

They're called sunglasses.

They won't be invented for 800 years in your world.

They're actually a gift from Eddie.

There you are.

What's up?

Well, did you get the watch?

Oh, no, I forgot.

You forgot?

What were you doing there this whole time? You said you were going to be gone

ten minutes, and you haven't gone for three hours.

I didn't realize it was that long.

Probably because you didn't have the watch.

What happened?

Well, we had a long talk. You know, Eddie's a very complex guy.

Quite a fascinating afternoon, really.

Well, how did you take it when you told him it was over?

He understood. I mean, we both had things to do.

With me.

Over with me.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

you know, he was pretty upset, but we talked it out, and I think he feels

now. You know, he's surprisingly sensitive.

So what are you saying? You like the guy now?

No. I'm just saying that under that rough exterior, there's a scared little

You know, I felt that from him sometimes.

Am I making a mistake?

Should I call him?

I don't know. I'm very confused.

Gavin, can I talk to you in the office for a second?

What are you doing?

She's trying to get away from him, and you're helping him lure her back in.

Look, he's a nicer guy than you'd think. We're even talking about hanging out

sometime. What about Skylar?

Well, she'd probably just feel like a third wheel.

You went there for her, remember? You were supposed to get the watch and you

conned. I didn't get conned. Don't you think it's a little weird that somebody

like Eddie suddenly wants to hang out with you? Why? Is it so hard to believe

that he and I have things in common?

Do you know how the two knights in Canterbury Tales each harbor love for

but their lives follow wildly divergent paths?

Yeah. See, only nerds know that story.

Face it, man, you're a sucker for cheap flattery. Well, I am not.

You sold Skyler out for a pair of sunglasses just because they look good

Really? You think they look good on me?

Okay.

What's going on?

Skyler, my brother failed you, but I won't.

I'm going to get your watch.

No, no, no, no. I'll do it.

I said I'm going.

Take off those glasses. You look like an idiot.

I did my hair. and I put on makeup and hung around the grocery store for two

hours waiting to meet guys like it said to do in the book, right?

You know, the only man that talked to me was 80, and he asked me to reach for

the Metamucil as a pickup line.

We're having dinner Thursday at 4 .30.

There used to be a time you could marry an old man, he'd never touch you, and

eventually he'd die and leave you all his money.

Now with that damn Viagra, you've got to earn it.

Yeah, well, Carl's only 34 and our sex life stinks.

See, isn't this fun?

Don't you find this a little depressing?

Oh, they're just blowing off a little steam.

Wait till Marcy gets here. She's a total hoot.

What are you making over there, Skylar? Oh, well, I'm trying to make myself a

tube top.

I'm almost done.

I would kill for a figure like that. Hey, I can hear you.

It's not like I bought the last pair.

Hey, Marcy.

Marcy! Marcy, this is my friend Skyler. I was just telling her how funny you

are. My husband just left me for the girl who waxes his back.

Wait for it.

This is gonna be good.

I'm telling you, if we push two beds together, I think we can all fit.

Eddie?

Yeah, mate.

Stuart Miller, friend of Skyler's. You with my brother Gavin today?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, guys, this is Stuart. Stuart, these are my new friends, Brittany, Jasmine

and Amber.

They run BrittanyJasmineAndAmber .com.

Oh, wow.

Wow, wow, big fan.

Love the new shower cam. Thanks.

Eddie, I'm here for the watch.

I know what you did today, the way you manipulated my brother, and just so you

don't bother, it's not going to work on me.

All right, you got me.

I don't know what I was thinking. You are clearly smarter than your brother.

Yes, I am.

And thank you.

Most people don't think so because you look smarter than me, but I actually got

the higher SAT score.

He claims he had mono.

I don't think he looks smarter than you.

You obviously know women.

Why do I feel so worthless without Skyler?

No, no, man, you're not worthless. Nobody's worthless.

Wait a minute, we're getting sidetracked here, Eddie. Give me the watch.

Wow, you're good.

Amber's right.

You're smart, you're tough, you're confident.

She said that?

We're married eight years, and then all of a sudden, over.

Just because she's blonde, big boobs.

You know the type.

I didn't do it.

Luckily, I have my own problems right now.

What problems could you have?

Well, actually, Skylar's going through a really tough breakup, and that's why I

invited her here tonight.

Yeah, my boyfriend turned out to be a real jerk.

I stayed with him way too long.

Why?

Well... Oh.

Plus, he really knows how to get to you. Like, he'll compliment the way you

look. Man, you look great in that jacket.

It really shows off your upper body strength.

He does silly things to make you laugh. Wait, huh?

I didn't order the duck.

And every so often he'll just gaze into your eyes and kiss you like you're the

only person in the world.

Did I tell you I like the jacket?

Let me get this straight.

Your sexy rocker boyfriend keeps sending you expensive jewelry because he wants

you back so badly.

Yeah, that is tough.

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

I don't think I've ever really been without a boyfriend.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate you.

Okay, who needs some more wine? You know what? Maybe I'll just go.

Where are you going?

Well, I haven't heard from Stuart, so I'm going to go see Eddie and get the

watch from him. No, we're here to lift your spirits.

Yeah, well, if I'm lifted any higher, I think I'll jump.

really bad. If she gets around Eddie, she'll just cave.

I'm sorry, but those kind of women get what they deserve.

You don't know Skylar. Just because she looks a certain way doesn't mean she

deserves to have her heart broken. She got tainted on just like Marcy.

Yeah, but unlike Marcy, she won't have any trouble finding another guy.

Hey!

Okay,

you guys, we are like these knitting needles.

By itself, one would be easy to break.

my love. Just let me say one thing first.

What?

I miss you so much, baby.

Remember that time we flew to Mexico so we could have sex in Mexico?

Eddie, don't do that.

Or that time we flew to Paris just so we could have sex in Paris?

Oui.

Or that time we flew to Spain?

We had to make an emergency landing in New Jersey, so we had sex in New Jersey.

In that little airport closet next to the Cinnabon? Yeah, and then we had

Cinnabons after.

Oh, they were magical times, eh?

What do you say, baby?

Step away from the blonde!

Yeah, punk.

What are you guys doing here?

Give the girl her grandfather's watch and these needles stay in their cozy.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah, these are my friends.

And we're here to support her, because that's what women in knitting groups do.

We also drink.

But if you give her any more trouble, we will snap you like these knitting

needles.

Come on!

The watch.

Hand it over. Oh, Sky, no way. Why can't we just... Fine, have it.

Come on, girls.

Let's get out of here.

Those are the earrings I gave Skyler. Give them back.

If I'm not giving them back to Skyler, I'm certainly not giving them back to

you.

So, in this case, the radionuclide potassium -40 will emit one... Electron?

Yes.

And an antineutrino turning it into a stable isotope of... Calcium.

Thus leading to, everyone...

I can't believe the kids are following this. College -level science.

I guess he's right. You shouldn't talk down to him.

If you're exposed to radiation, can you really get superpowers?

Good heavens, no. At first, you'll just vomit up blood, feel intense vertigo,

the usual.

But your insides will be slowly decaying into a putrid gray mush.

You'll die a painful death in a couple of weeks.

I never wanted your radiation.

Tough nuts. It's all around us.

Am I going to die?

Ultimately, of course.

You cry.

Death is nothing to fear. It's just like going to sleep.